Mad About You, Paul Reiser. An unusually lackluster 'Must See' Thursday. The Office and 30 Rock; these two shows were not as good as they typically are.
My theory: this is all to make Paul Reiser's new show look better in comparison. They are trying to pull a 'Step by Step': maybe no one will notice how crappy this show is, if we put it between two better shows. It will just slide under the radar for nine seasons.
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Source Code
Coulter Stevens (Gyllenhaal) is an American Army pilot, stationed in Afghanistan. He mysteriously appears aboard a Chicago commuter train. Not as Coulter Stevens, but in the body of a Chicago teacher. He has no recollection of how he got there. Eight minutes later, the train blows up, killing all those aboard. He wakes up disoriented, finding himself strapped in an isolation chamber. Coulter is the guinea pig of a scientific experiment: a sick, perverse experiment, of quantum proportions
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Someone actually got drunk Applebee's, blew 0.10 in the breathalizer
Parents of tipsy toddler sue Applebee's over drink mixup
When your here you're here, your family. A hot family member--we'd like to make sweet love to.
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/04/13/us-tipsy-toddler-lawsuit-idUSTRE73C88B20110413
(Reuters) - The parents of the Michigan toddler accidentally served alcohol at an Applebee's restaurant last week have filed suit against the chain's parent company, saying its employees have made similar mistakes with other children.
"It's happened to them on multiple occasions," Stern said. "This is an occasion that came really close to being tragic if the child had ingested a little more alcohol. Fortunately they caught it, when the child was acting drunk and the father tasted it and realized it wasn't apple juice."
Just days after a tot in Detroit got tanked on tequila at an Applebee's, a Florida mom is claiming her toddler got tipsy after being served booze at a chain restaurant.
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update soon
I've been a little under the weather these past couple days. Source Code in a couple days. Hanna will be reviewed later on this week. Here is a little something to hold you over:
Dennis Quaid's Favorite Mistake
I'll give you a hint. It's not his entire film career.
That's what I call Soul Surfing.
Norm MacDonald
Norm MacDonald: Me Doing Stand Up (2011). This Comedy Central special isn't out on DVD till June, but this is the funniest stand up I've seen in years. It's easy enough to find online, but copyright infringement is wrong.
Sucker Punch
“Don't write a check with your mouth that you can't cash with your ass.”
-Wise Man (Character from Sucker Punch)
Movies this bad are made all the time. Except this one is not made from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. 30 minutes hour into the movie, I noticed a few people leaving the theater, never to return to their seats. Even as I write this review, I am still trying to make sense of it all.
Even for the sole purpose of this review, it would have been nice to know her real name. For example, if I reviewed The Crow. Imagine having to refer to Brandon Lee's character as 'The Crow,' throughout the review. That would be utterly ludicrous, his name is Eric Draven, guitarist extraordinaire.
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The Lincoln Lawyer
“Let your plans be dark and as impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Call the Guinness World Book of Records, this is the maximum amount of time Matthew McConaughey has appeared on screen with a shirt.
This is the role Matthew McConaughey was made for. A phony, dooshy criminal lawyer. I keep hearing that this his best film in years, but make no mistake, there is no way it can compare with, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
Typically, criminal lawyers don't make a ton of money. This man is different. Mickey does his share of flattery, fibbing, and telling bold face lies. Even without the legal background, this man could almost get by on charm alone. This is all done for a greater good...that being his bank account. As a master of deception and duplicity, Mickey is a force to be reckoned with. And I'm not talking about people getting lost in his eyes.
One of his clients, Louis Roulet (Phillippe), is a wealthy, 32 year old playboy. He's accused of murdering a prostitute. At first glance, it looks like he is framed. It looks like a very open and shut case, until he discovers his client is pure evil. Mickey and Louis, two ruthless men, battling one another in the supreme court of life.
A vast conspiracy unfolds, one that comes close to consuming Mickey. A conspiracy that flirts with ridiculousness, but nonetheless, an intriguing one.
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Cobra
The cobra roaming around th Bronx is lethal. A human being could die in a few hours, after being bitten by one. And it's a very painful death. It's almost as painful watching the movie Cobra.
Myspace blogs
I posted the archives of a previous blog on myspace. I wrote these from 2006 to 2008. The myspace page was a fake Louie Anderson profile for part of that time. These blogs are not all movie reviews, or even reviews, for that matter. I left everything in tact, including: spelling errors, clichés, platitudes, incorrect grammar, my less than comprehensive understanding of Brechtian epic theatre, callous/insensitive remarks, soliloquies, bad jokes, non-sequiturs, Luke Perry references, and puns. Some entries are less than stellar. Most of them, I knocked out of the park.
Limitless
Bart: You know how they say most people use 10% of their brain?
Lisa: Yeah?
Bart: Well now, I'm one of them!
-The Simpsons, Episode AABF22, "Brother's Little Helper"
This film is about a genius writer, who is having trouble finishing a project. You see, he is trying to finish a movie review, in a film starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro...Ha-ha-ha, not really.
Eddie Morra (Cooper) is burnout writer, which is a bit of stretch for Brad Cooper, but he managed just fine. He has a serious case of writers block. On top of that, he long time girlfriend dumps him. It was a day that couldn't get much worse.
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Cedar Rapids
A good comedy does two things: makes you laugh, and it makes you cry, from laughing so hard.
I literally choked on some skittles, at one point.
Tim Lippe was born and raised in the fictional town of Brown Valley, Wisconsin. He has never left the state of Wisconsin. Both of his parents died when he was 16. Tim was on his own, and needed to support himself. Brown Valley is a tight knight, supportive community. The owner, Bill Krogsdad (Root), extended a helping hand, and hired Tim to do light clerical work for Brown Star Insurance. Soon after, he got bumped up to an insurance adjuster.
One of Tim’s colleagues dies David Carradine style, in a erotic asphyxiation accident (There were only three people in the movie theater, and I was only person laughing). This colleague has been the top dog; winning three double diamond awards, three years in a row. These are awarded by an insurance industry organization, comprised of a handful of companies in the Wisconsin-Minnesota region.
This involves traveling to Cedar Rapids, for an insurance industry conference. He is a passionate and dedicated insurance adjuster. Tim Lippe is a noble man. A man that believes he is really making a difference. He is the 'Hank Hill' of insurance adjusters.
Upon arriving at the hotel, Tim is approached by a prostitute. She asks him for a light. He admits that he doesn’t smoke, but instead offers butterscotch candy. She suggests the two of them should 'party' later on. In further interactions between the two, she uses butterscotch as a term of endearment.
Walking into his hotel room, Tim Freaks freaks out. It appears he shares a room with an ‘Afro-American’.
Dean Ziegler (Reilly) is undoubtedly, the funniest character. He is a loud ,obnoxious jerk, and has a bit of a drinking problem. A recently divorced guy, married for 17 years, but at least one of those years was good. In spite of all this, deep down he is a decent person. Dean has been in the insurance ‘game’ for twenty years.
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The Adjustment Bureau
“Most people are like a falling leaf that drifts and turns in the air, flutters, and falls to the ground. But a few others are like stars which travel one defined path: no wind reaches them, they have within themselves their guide and path.”
-Herman Hesse, Siddhartha
I didn’t think it was possible: Matt Damon is in a movie that does not take place in Boston. There is a scene, where you can actually see him running in Yankee Stadium. I have been looking forward to watching this movie for quite some time.
You don’t have to be an overgrown man-child to enjoy them. David Norris (Damon) is young congressman from New York. He is the clear front runner for a seat in the senate. That is, until an em-bare-ass-ing college reunion stunt, was caught on video. This leads to his constituents having serious doubts about his maturity. Norris loses the election by a wide margin. Later on, we see the congressman practicing his concession speech in a hotel bathroom. He discovers a woman named Elise (Blunt), hiding out in a stall. (Elise acts like a young Kate Winslett.) Security officers were after her, after she crashed a wedding. They really hit it off immediately, 60 seconds later, they're making out in the bathroom. One of his campaign aids caught the two of them. Elise ran off quickly when a security guard caught up with her.
After a long campaign run, David had to work at a real job. He has a morning routine of getting a cup of coffee, and riding the bus to work. David was supposed to spill his coffee on his shirt. In doing so, he interfered with plan the Adjustment Bureau set out for him. Instead, he runs into Elise, which was followed by a very lovely conversation. She gave David her phone number on a business card.
David shows up for work in the morning. Walking quickly, he greets coworkers. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Those weren't his coworkers. They were just realistic looking manikins. He notices something is amiss. This is where Roger Sterling Richardson (Slatterly) and his team of goons show up and chase after him. They suffocate him with a chloroformed rag . Moments later, Norris is in a chair, in an empty room, surrounded by members of the Adjustment Bureau. The business card with Elise's phone number is ripped up. They tell him to keep his mouth shut and to forget about this girl he met. Matt Damon’s character is bright and resourceful, and is no match for the Adjustment Bureau.
He notices Elise three years later, on his bus route to work. He tells the driver to stop, David steps off the bus and hustles after her. He told her that he lost her phone number. She listened to him, with an incredulous look on her face. Davis told her that he has been riding the same bus for three years, in the hopes of eventually spotting here. She didn't get any creepy, stalker vibe from that story. Elise found the story charming and sweet. This is the beginning of a lifelong relationship.
The Bureau interferes with the lives of people. They are the people that nudge individuals back on 'plan'. This Bureaucracy reminiscent of the one seen in the Mel Brooks picture, Defending Your Life. The Adjustment Bureau is organized like a large governmental agency. Members of the Bureau do not have a full understanding of what is actually going on. Not one member of the Adjustment Bureau seems completely omnipotent. In fact, the entire organization seems all too human. Second in command, Thompson (Stamp), is a stern, no-nonsense, authoritative man. A Robert Stack-like character, you know he means business. The man on the top of this organizational hierarchy is called “The Chairman”. The identity of “The Chairman” is never revealed. For all I know, it could be George Burns, Morgan Freeman, or even Arthur Fonzarelli.
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The Grace Card
“Strap on your seatbelt and brace yourself for one hell of a ride.”
-Roger Ebert
No, Roger Ebert didn’t really say that. This movie was never screened for critics. Which makes this review all the more important. I watched a preview of The Grace Card the other day. I couldn’t determine what this movie was actually about. It looked cheesy and sentimental. I knew I paid money for something that will eventually be played on the Hallmark Channel. It’s full of unpaid ‘actors’ nobody would recognize. A $200,000 dollar budget.
Mac McDonald (Joiner) is a 17-year veteran of the Memphis police department. He joined the force after his son was ran over by fleeing suspect. He is a white man, with a wife and another (non-dead) son. He is always angry because he blames himself for his son’s death. He has lost his faith in God and has turned to the bottle.
Mac’s son is Blake. A 17-year old high school senior at a private school. He’s been slacking off lately, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and he’s up to no good. Mac discovers a pipe in Blake’s bedroom. Blake wanted a little financial help with purchasing a car. His father holds the pipe, and says something about having money to use this recreational vehicle. There was also a Doobie Brothers joke thrown in for good measure.
Sam Wright (Higgenbottom) looks and acts like a heavy-set Theo Huxtable. The type of guy you would see an Allstate Insurance commercial. Wright is a police officer and reverend at his own church. An upstanding man with no bad qualities, like Ned Flanders.
Mac and Sam become partners. Sam got promoted to Sergeant, much to the chagrin of Mac. Their professional relationship gets off to a rocky start. This is because… well you know why. You have all seen Lethal Weapon. They get along eventually …kind of.
Made the mistake of raising profound philosophical and theological questions. And pretending to address them. Additionally, The Grace Card addresses how difficult it is love the people we hate. It does not really talk about the process of forgiveness, or how it comes about.
There is a market for this type of picture. This movie just doesn't serve the intended audience very well.
The plot and characters are hackneyed and cliché. The acting is just awful. I found this movie hilarious in parts. It's like someone stole a (post-Jessica Biel) Seventh Heaven script and decided to extend it to 107 minutes.
Final Verdict: 35 out of 100
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Drive Angry will not be reviewed
I just could not bring myself to watch Drive Angry 3D. Nick Cage owes the IRS 14 million dollars. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Season of the Witch were absolutely unbearable. He does a decent movie once every seven years. Matchstick Men was last watchable movie he has made. My sincerest apologies.
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Big Momma’s House Like Father Like Son
Martin Lawerance
PG-13
100 minutes
Director: John Whitesell
'You're once, twice, three times a lady.' -Lionel Richie
“Third time's a charm”, is a popular American expression. It is rarely the case in movies. The third installment of The Godfather is nothing less than a complete abortion, comparatively speaking. Who would think that a cinematic gem like, Big Momma’s House, would spawn two further sequels.
I grew up watching Martin play ‘Sheneneh’ on television. It’s well within the grasp of Martin Lawrence to at least make the character of ‘Big Momma’ funny. Even if the movie isn’t all that good.
All of that is ancient history. Since the late 1990’s I have been....well I’d say disappointed, but I didn’t really expect him to make good movies. Unimpressed would be a more appropriate term.
I bought my first DVD player in the year 2000. Big Momma’s House was the first DVD that I bought. This is where I learned that superior image quality does not make a movie better. That is why I watched the latest installment of Big Momma’s House on the Internet.
Most bad movies don’t make money, and they don’t make sequels (or squeakquels). The Big Mama’s House travesty trilogy has made hundreds of millions of dollars. They are a few of the worst movies ever made.
A comparable example, The Santa Clause. They made three Santa Clause movies. About eight years ago, I took a long train ride. The Santa Clause 2 was playing on a constant loop. I literally, watched that movie eight times. I know I didn’t have to, but I didn’t really bring a book or anything. You’ll have to forgive me for going off on a tangent there.
The first two Big Momma’s House movies weren’t all that great. So what was I expecting? I was expecting a movie that was so bad, that was good. A film that didn’t take itself too seriously. I wanted a complete farce, with some unintentional satire. A movie as ridiculous as Black Knight. This movie is just plain awful...lly funny. Just kidding—it was terrible.
My bad, I just went on long diatribe there. I forgot to tell you about the movie’s plot. That’s probably because the writers of this movie forgot to include one. This is the absolute worst movie you are going watch in 2011.
Final Verdict: 20 out of 100
PS: I’m sick of watching bad movies. That’s why I’m going to be watching Drive Angry in 3D next.
Just Go With It
“Um... okay. How about this: Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a ...golden retriever, or something.”
-Eric Cartman
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Blue Valentine
“I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. Will it be yes or will it be sorry.”
-Paula Cole (Dawson’s Creek theme song)
Michelle Williams has come a long way since her days of playing ‘bad girl’ Jen Lindley: The girl who seemed to be in a perpetual drunken stupor. It seems like just yesterday I was watching this teen dramedy. Young adults grow up so fast.
Blue Valentine follows Cindy (Williams) and Dean (Gosling), a young married couple. The film cuts back and forth between the courtship process and the life they find themselves in just a few years later. This movie is about a relationship that deteriorates slowly over time.
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The Rite
“What the hell did I just watch?”
-Edward Dunn
Colin (O'Donoghue) grew up without a mother. His father, Istvan (Hauer) runs a funeral home from the house they reside in (similar to the situation in My Girl). Colin is an atheist who wants to be as far away as possible from all the creepiness. Naturally, he decides to become a seminary student. Long story short, Colin ends up in Rome for exorcism training.
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The King's Speech
Dramatic English films of the past few years have been long on acting and short on substance. The Queen is one of the more egregious examples. The British like their monarchy about as much as they like Oasis. Any boring film about the death of Princess Diana is going to get a free pass. I was surprised to find myself so thoroughly engrossed with this film. I would describe The King's Speech as smart, stylish and substantial. The main character's struggle is universal and inspirational. He has an embarrassing problem, one that is hard to come to terms with. Breaking through one of life's obstacles bravely, boldly and head on. One minor flaw with this movie is the characterization of Winston Churchill. It's a little one-dimensional and over the top. All in all, one of the better movies of 2010.
Final Verdict: 95 out of 100
(These past few reviews have been on high quality movies. 2010 was a great year for film, significantly better than 2009. That being said, I look forward to reviewing the new Big Mama's House when it comes out.)
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Somewhere
The story is familiar; a man who has everything and gets everything he wants, suddenly he finds his life boring, devoid of love and meaning. Johnny Marco (Dorf) is a well known actor. He drives a Lamborghini and this car symbolizes the bubble he lives in. His day consists of shallow interactions with opportunistic individuals. Drifting through life comfortably. With no real need to get his hands dirty. This guy seems kind of dead inside.
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