The Man Without a Face (Retro)

THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE(1993)

PG-13

115 min

Director: Mel Gibson

Writers: Isabelle Holland (novel), Malcolm MacRury (screenplay)

Mel Gibson, Nick Stahl, Margaret Whitton

Staples of the 90s

Mother's gone too far -- she's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE -- I didn't even know we had a problem!

-Principal Skinner, THE SIMPSONS, 4F18

Cast

Chuck Norstadt-Nick Stahl

Ted Danson Faceless Man-Mel Gibson

Catherine Palin (Mother)- Margaret Whitton

In the movie world, 1993 was a year of animals, featuring Dinosaurs, a lovable orca whale, and Adolph Hitler. People tend to forget about the less successful, and often less critically acclaimed films. Like DENNIS THE MENACE, and the movie I'm reviewing here.

There is that period between LETHAL WEAPON IIand PAYBACK; where Mel Gibson directed a few movies. As a passionate cinéaste, he wanted to be taken seriously, not just as a mere, distinguished thespian, but as a handsome director.

Before he went craz...ier, he made BRAVEHEART and THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE.

And to answer your question, no this isn't a prequel to FACEOFF(1995).

The Summer After the 'Summer of Love'

Chuck wants to get into a military academy. This is in stark contrast to the social, and intellectual views of his genius family. He failed the admissions test, but he is determined to give it another go. He's hanging out in Maine, with the family at the summer home.

Chuck's father died in a mental institution, but his mom lies to him; saying he died in military combat. The boy needed a strong father figure in his life, and he found one. A former teacher that lives in a large estate on the edge of town: Jack McLeod.

There are differences between the movie and the book it’s based on. In the novel, the teacher may have been a pedophile. Whereas, in the movie he is merely a creepy, disfigured recluse; who meets with a 12-year old every day.

People are going to find out I don't know what I'm doing. I have to direct this film...what am going to do?

-Mel Gibson 2004 DVD Featurette

There are literal, as well as symbolic references to Shakespeare's MERCHANT OF VENICE (1598). Which I find interesting, in light of his more recent anti-Semitic rantings and movies. Contrary to his public behavior, he is not a moron. Surprisingly, he possesses a more nuanced understanding of the themes in Shakespeare's play; I must commend him for that, if nothing else.

Once you get past how ugly Mel Gibson's character is, there is a story, but it’s not very interesting. I mean it, no exaggeration, you can take my words at face value.

Final Verdict: 58 out of 100

Sidenote: reviewing The Avengers next.

Think Like a Man

THINK LIKE A MAN
122 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Tim Story
Writers: Keith Merryman, David A. Newman, Steve Harvey
Chris Brown, Gabrielle Union, Kevin Hart

You liked him in the Steve Harvey Show, The Original Kings of Comedy (2000), and the Family Feud...

... [crickets chirping]...?

Before my local Border's closed, I sat down on one of those big, comfy, black sofas; and I flipped through this 'book' Steve Harvey 'wrote'. I thought Pimp 'Magic' Harvey was going to impart some wisdom. Perhaps, show me how to pull a ho quick. But no, it was a well-intentioned book written for women, by a 'comedian'. For the record, I didn't read the entire book. But I did flip through it for good 30 minutes.

Think Like a Man, is the antithesis of 1997's How to Be a Player, featuring the long forgotten Bill Bellamy.

Most of this film is predictable. Like toward the end, you know there's going to be some messy breakups. Chris Brown's character is going beat the shit out of his girlfriend...oh, wait that was in real life.

We see the artist formerly known as 'Ron Artest' playing a game of pickup basketball. Why would a professional player be practicing basketball at the Y? Oh, maybe because he is serving a 7-game suspension for elbowing James Harden in the face.

To its credit, this film features an authentic mixed race group of friends. In TV commercials, you'll see one black guy playing a tambourine and four white guys, all playing in the same jam band...and one of them has erectile dysfunction. Here, there are two white guys, and four black guys; a more realistic ratio.

Complaints on Steve Harvey (in no particular order)

Soon as I got used to that bad hairpiece, he decides to shave his head. He looks much worse with a bald head, as hard as that is to believe.

This is the longest infomercial I have ever seen. Mr. Harvey must be possessed by the spirit of the late, great Billy Mays, himself. Which is surprising, I figured he'd be busy selling Oxyclean in heaven. The movie would get going, and every so often, we’d hear a tidbit of wisdom, an aside, where Steve Harvey is sitting in a chair. He would say things like, ‘men like standards, get some’, or how the perfect man doesn't exist. It's an unnecessary distraction, which detracts from the movie itself.

Steve Harvey is the last guy that should be dispensing relationship advice. Look at him, he's not exactly the epitome of success. It's like Louie Anderson putting out a diet book.

Parting Words

Think Like a Man is a male version of He's Just Not That Into You (2009). This is a tolerable, bland 'romcom’. If you're looking to get laid, this is the movie to take your lady acquaintance to; it's an efficient, cost-effective solution.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100

A Thousand Words

A THOUSAND WORDS
PG-13
91 Minutes
Director: Brian Robbins
Writer:Steve Koren
Eddie Murphy,Cliff Curtis, Kerry Washington, Clark Duke

Cast
Eddie Murphy Jack McCall
Cliff Curtis Dr. Sinja
Kerry Washington Caroline Mc..
Clark Duke Aaron Wiseberger

A brief departure from his regular gig at Universal Studios'You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don't work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won't work.'
-Eddie Murphy

Make like Ryan Leaf and steal some Percocet

After lying to an Indian guru, to get him to sign a book deal. Literary agent, Jack McCoc finds a Bodhi tree in his back yard. There are one-thousand leaves on this tree. A leaf falls every time Jack speaks a word. He dies if all the leaves fall off the tree.What this movie tries to illustrate most is that the words we speak have consequences.

Normally, you would expect Steve Carell or Jim Carey to play Jack McCall. And Morgan Freeman would play the new-age guru. I suppose they had better things to do.

Jack cannot speak for three days. As you can guess, this makes for some awkward business and social interactions. There is no writing words, but he can play charades with people. No one understands the predicament he's in; concise communication is of the utmost importance.

Personally, I would get one of those Stephen Hawking voice dealies. But that's against the rules. So he can't communicate in English, via his mouth or his hands. Oh, he can talk to animals, but Dr. Doolittle is curiously absent from this adventure. What he ends up doing is using talking action figures to make important conference calls with business clients.

D.J. Be good or you can't watch Howdy Doody

Jack's mother has dementia. His mother frequently confuses him with his deceased father. Comedically, this doesn’t work. Mostly because Eddie Murphy doesn’t play the role of his mother. Unfortunately, all we’re left with is a sad situation.

John Witherspoon usually serves as a vehicle for fart jokes, but here he plays a blind guy crossing the street... oh, and he almost gets hit.

Recently, I reviewed Tower Heist, Eddie was good in this. Furthermore, if we go back a little further to 2006, he plays James 'Thunder' Early in Dreamgirls. 'Member that part where he starts talking off his clothes on live television...that was awesome.

Jimmy want a piece of your chocolate cake

But more than all that Jimmy wants a break

'Cause Jimmy got soul, Jimmy got soul

Granted, it's not, Imagine That (2009), or The Haunted Mansion (2003).

Children make a wish, it’s a falling star

My critics might say that making fun of Eddie Murphy movies is too easy. And to that, I say: you are absolutely correct.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

‘It's not the first hooker I've helped out. I've seen hookers on corners and I'll pull over and they'll go, 'Oh you're Eddie Murphy, oh my God,' and I'll empty my wallet out to help.’

American Reunion

AMERICAN REUNION
R
113 mins
Director: Jon Hurwitz
Writers: Adam Herz, Jon Hurwitz
Chris Owen, Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Eugene Levy, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Justin Isfeld, Chris Klein, Jennifer Coolidge, Jay Harrington, John Cho, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid

"Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?"
-Kevin (Character)

Michelle, Jim, Heather, Kevin, Vicki, Finch, Stifler, and Stifler's mom. These characters embark on, yet another journey.

A journey―as sweet and American―as the Apple pie Jason Biggs made love to 13 years ago. All the actors are famous, but not too famous. They all have regular gigs, but could still use the money to feed their kids/addictions.

High school reunion movies and even TV episodes are ever good. What about THE SIMPSONS episode where Homer went to his class reunion? Well, that was no class reunion episode. He never graduated high school. Yeah, he managed to get a GED, but that doesn't count.

High school reunion movies filmed in the late 90s were dreadful. ROMY AND MICHELLE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION (1997) comes to mind. These films were about people who went to high school in the late 80s. More recent reunion movies have better soundtracks: Backstreet Boys, Limp Bizkit, Blink 182; need I say more?

You won't believe who hooked up with who.

• Jim and Michelle rekindled the spark in their marriage.


• Stifler's mom and Mr. Levenstein get it on.


• Finch's mom and Stifler. Hold on... let me savor the irony.

Idiotic, sophomoric, tomfoolericific, unsophisticated; but enough about myself. In all fairness, this movie doesn't pretend to be funny serious. However, it does pretend to be original. This is the fourth time I've seen the same AMERICAN PIE film. I figured they might make a good movie on accident.

Chris Klein and Keanu Reeves are identical twins. They look alike, and personality wise; neither of them are capable of portraying a convincing 'smart person'. So no one would catch on, Chris was put in suspended animation for 15 years.

On its own, this movie doesn't work. You need to know, and like the characters from the previous three movies to enjoy this one.

We will see many more sequels. There is no taming this 'AMERICAN PIE' beast. Even if all the actors died in the same plane crash: Buddy Holly style. They would make a documentary called: 'AMERICAN FUNERAL: THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED'. I would be the only critic with enough balls to rag on it.

Final verdict: 30 out of 100

The Hunger Games

THE HUNGER GAMES

PG-13

144 Minutes

Director: Gary Ross

Writers: Gary Ross, Suzanne Collins, Billy Ray

Jennifer Lawerence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Stanley Tucci

The best movie featuring Ice-T and Gary Busey.                                    

CAST

Jennifer Lawrence--Katniss Everdeen

Willow Shields--Primrose Everdeen

Josh Hutcherson--Peeta Mellark

Liam Hemsworth--Gale Hawthorne

Stanley Tucci--Caesar Flickerman

Wes Bentley--Seneca Crane

Elizabeth Banks--Effie Trinket

Woody Harrelson--Haymitch Abernathy 

'With these hungry eyes. One look at you and I can't disguise. I've got hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I.'                                              -HUNGRY EYES, by Eric Carmen

'In penance for there uprising, each district shall offer up a male and a female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public reaping.'

There are 12 districts, and only one individual lives.  A negative raffle of sorts; reminiscent of THE LOTTERY, by Shirley Jackson. Her younger sister, Primrose (Shields) got selected, but Lawrence volunteered instead.

In the country of 'Panem', which includes all North America. The largest, wealthiest, most powerful city in the entire world is named: 'The Capitol'. Yes, that is the official city name. The writers must have pulled an 'all-nighter' coming up with that one.

I'm not sure what year this is supposed to be; for all I know it could be from the past. Perhaps it's the lost civilization of Atlantis.

The inhabitants of 'The Capitol' look like extras from a Katie Perry video. Except, no one shooting with whipped cream out of their tits.

Haymitch Abernathy (Harrelson) won the games may years ago, he serves as Primrose's mentor. Woody Harrelson is always playing a burnout. It's like Jeremy Piven, he's always playing a dick...with bad hair plugs.

There's a bee hive.

So?

Stand back.

Are you crazy? You'll get stung!

-MY GIRL (1991)

That scene from MY GIRL, whereMacaulay Culkin dies (spoiler alert). They take that scene and make it much deadlier. Except in this movie, it's used as weapon to kill people on purpose. 

When the games are going on, the movie is entertaining. Which is about 35% of the film. Jennifer Lawrence's carries most of that 35 percent. 

This movie raises many 'Why' questions.

Namely:

• What planet do they live on?

• Are they in a separate, parallel universe?

• Is this parallel universe based on junk science?

• Would people really tolerate this sort of thing?

• How does their economy function?

• What was the point of all this?

THE TRUMAN SHOW, SURVIVOR, RAMBO, and JERSEY SHORE. THE HUNGER GAMES combines all of these things. Which sounds much cooler than it actually is. Stream this on Netflix, when you're hungover...and you don't have anything better to watch.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

We did baby!

To mark the one year aniversty of the Garden of E Dunn website (not the blog). It should work on iPhones, Android, and Windows 7 devices. And don't think I forgot about you Symbian users; I didn't... You don't really count. Post under comments if it doesn't work for you.

Click here to download.

For Android users: You may have to go to settings;
Non-Market applications (Menu) > Settings > Applications > Unknown sources

21 Jump Street

21 JUMP STREET
R
109 Minutes
Directors: Phil Lord, Chris Miller Writers: Michael Bacall (screenplay), Michael Bacall (story), Jonah Hill
Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube

This may be hard to believe, but I watched a lot of TV as a young kid. 21 Jump Street just wasn't on my radar, probably because it wasn't a cartoon, and it didn't have a laugh track. It’s the show that launched Johnny Depp's career, he departed after a few seasons to make Edward Scissorhands (1990).

21 Jump Street doesn't take it self too seriously. Almost like a movie Judd Apatow would make. This film is completely unoriginal, but in a good way. A celebration of cheesy clichés. Which includes a one-dimensional, multicultural criminal syndicate.

2005 was a much simpler time. The only means of communication kids had were: email, text messaging, instant messaging, MySpace, analog paper notes, Morse Code, and soup cans. Schmidt and Jenko went to the same high school, seven years ago. Schmidt was a dork in high school, and the other guy was a football star. Things are different this time around. Schmidt becomes popular, and it really gets to his head.

Ice cube plays the police captain Captian Tennill Dickson; which is like Ron Jeremy teaching sex-ed at an all-girls Catholic school.

Their assignment: to infiltrate a high school, and arrest young girls that would be involved in statutory rape. But really, they need to find the source of a deadly, new synthetic drug. A drug that makes you see the color of time.

There’s a bitchin' party at the parents house. They buy a couple kegs, and steal drugs from the evidence locker back at the station. You can guess what happens here. The parents come back early from vacation. Schmidt becomes the coolest mac-daddy at school.

Glory days, glory daze

It's your typical high school revenge fantasy: shooting classmates...on film...in a pretend movie. This is the real revenge of the nerds.

Look at that Andrea character on 90210. She was well into her 30s; I thought she was a member of the faculty…that was going to retire soon.

'Going back to high school' movies are a close cousin of the body-switching movies. High school movies, of any kind are never about people in high school. There a product of a youth obsessed culture. Involving the high school world of geeks and jocks; that only exists in movies. If they aren't cops, then they're magazine writers for the Chicago Sun-Times.

Comedies are only meant to 90 minutes long. About 10 or 15 minutes worth of content should have been cut. I do like the surprise ending, like Steven Seagal in The Onion Movie (2008) as the 'crotch puncher'.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100

Everybody do the Urkel dance?

If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance,
All you have to do is hitch up your pants,
Bend your knees, and stick out your pelvis;
(I'm telling you, baby, it's better than Elvis!).

-Do the Urkel Dance

Stars are something you see in the night sky. Jaleel White is like the moon; nay, he is much more stellar than that. His accolades include: a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Nomination (1996).

Venus, the goddess of love and beauty...is full of hot air. 

Jaleel is a more divine figure, like Jupiter: King of the Gods.

About 6 years ago, there was an internet hoax. Jaleel White committed suicide and left a note stating:  'Did I do that?'.

March 19th is the premier. This will be the first, and only time I will watch this show. No, that's not true, I'm not fooling anyone.

I leave you with this: the best episode of Family Matters (abbreviated version).

Upcoming Ghost Writer Review

I will be reviewing the next Ghost Rider film. It occured to me, that I really should probably watch the first one. Because I didn't really know it based on a Marvel comic.

Two Nicholas Cage movies in one week, I tremble at very thought of completing this daunting task. Yes, my friends, this is the very essence of nightmares.  But like Johnny Blaze says, 'you can't live in fear', and I most certainly won't.  Although, I may have to detox next week with some Masterpiece Theater next week.