Prometheus

PROMETHEUS
R
124 Minutes
Writers: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Director: Ridley Scott
Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Meredith Vickers, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride
- MR. SPACEMAN, The Byrds (1966)

Cast
Noomi Rapace...Elizabeth Shaw
Michael Fassbender...David
Charlize Theron...Meredith Vickers
Idris Elba...Janek
Guy Pearce...Peter Weyland
Logan Marshall-Green...Charlie Holloway
Sean Harris...Fifield
Rafe Spall...Millburn
Emun Elliott...Chance
Benedict Wong...Ravel
Kate Dickie...Ford

What initially attracted me to this film was the title, Prometheus. How apt, the real Prometheus stole fire from the gods. As punishment, he was then chained to a rock, where a vulture would feast on his liver daily.

I feel funny critiquing Michael Fassbender. After all, he played a movie critic in Inglourious Basterds (2009). Here, he plays 'David', a robot closely resembling a human being. Not that a Half-Bred Vulcan could mate with an Android, why, that would be preposterous.

Quotes
'Want, not a concept I'm familiar with.'
'Doesn't everyone want their parents dead?'
'Sometimes to create, one must destroy.'
'It must feel like your God abandoned you.'
'Your father died of Ebola.'
'I watched your dreams.'
'I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical.'
'He did speak in alien language, but I'm unable to find those translations.'

Humanoid robots need to be indistinguishable from people, otherwise people freak out. Believe me, Bicentennial Man (1999) haunts me till this very day. Every time I walk into a crowded movie theater, I think, please, please don't let this be as bad as Bicentennial Man.
Few films get this existential without looking ridiculous, especially with science fiction. This is not a movie made for retards or overgrown man-children. I heard a co-worker complain about this film. In disbelief, I blurted out, 'really, what the hell movie were you watching?'. I'm fairly certain that we'll be on speaking terms some day.

There are other movies similar to this one. Namely, the underrated masterpiece: The Thing (1982). Kurt Russell plays in Antarctic 'research scientist'. I especially like the scene where he dumps bourbon on the computer after losing a chess game. But I digress.

There is one thing I found distracting; Dr. Shaw was always pronounced as 'Dr. Scholl'. I thought it was done on purpose, perhaps an obscure reference that I had no knowledge of (which is highly unlikely).

Miraculously, science-fiction clichés are avoided in Prometheus. For example, the black guy didn't die first. The CGI and 3D imagery wasn't obnoxious. And most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is nowhere to be seen. Job Well-Dunn.

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Sidenote: You should show up late to this movie. With previews, and the cartoon short, the actual film didn't get started until 25 minutes after the scheduled start time.

MIB III

MEN IN BLACK III
PG-13
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham
Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can so I can See the light that's right before my eyes
-Corey Hart

Cast

Will Smith Agent J (Jay)
Tommy Lee Jones Agent K (Kay)
Josh Brolin Young Agent K (Kay)

Sci-Fi comedies are either great, or their awful: there is no in between. On one side, we have BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and on the other, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN.

The first MEN IN BLACK, deputed in the summer of 1997. About as good as summer blockbusters get. It had subtle, offbeat humor. Vincent D'Onofrio made the entire movie with that incredibly funny character, Edgar.

As for the sequel, MEN IN BLACK II was never actually made, due to the time traveling in MEN IN BLACK III. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

In this latest installment, Agent J arrives in 1969 to prevent something from happening to Agent K.

Tommy Lee Jones made this film franchise believable. You take one look at him, and instinctively, you know he can keep a secret. Yet, he isn't present for most of the movie.

With TRUE GRIT, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, inevitably, Josh Brolin will fall of the pedestal I placed him on. But that day, has yet to arrive. In this movie, he completely captures the essence of Tommy Lee Jones/Agent K. With the appearance of a young Richard Nixon. Brolin portrays an authentic, younger version of Special Agent K.

MEN IN BLACK is one of the best theme songs Will Smith has ever created, it's right up there with WILD WILD WEST, and THE FRESH PRINCE BEL-AIR: kudos.

With his universal likability, some have hailed him the 'Tom Hanks of the 90s'. And even though he hasn't made many of, what people might call 'good movies': Will Smith is not disappearing any time soon. Besides, who else is going to play Barack Obama in a future movie, say, 10-15 years from now?

Watching Miss Universe competitions, it's easy to forget how small we actually are. MEN IN BLACK III is an intergalactic comedy that will bring you right back down to earth...(get it?).

Definitely a family film, and by that, I don't mean plain or inoffensive, like HITCH. Your entire family might actually enjoy this movie. Which is great, because after all, 'sometimes parents just don't understand'.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Sidenote: Speaking of alien life forms. There is rumor of a possible ALF movie.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

-Paul Fusco, ALF creator

Bernie

BERNIE
PG-13
104 Minutes
Director: Richard Linklater
Writers: Richard Linklater (screenplay), Skip Hollandsworth (screenplay)
Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey

“I have found strength where one does not look for it: in simple, mild, and pleasant people, without the least desire to rule...The powerful natures dominate, it is a necessity, they need not lift one finger. -Friedrich Nietzsche. Nachlass, Fall 1880

Cast
Matthew McConaughey-Danny Buck
Jack Black-Bernie Tiede
Shirley MacLaine-Marjorie Nugent

Bernie has been called a dark comedy, but I feel this to be highly inaccurate. This story actually happened. It's a bizarre film that transcends genre, Unlike dead baby jokes; I felt uneasy laughing, even during the funny parts. Still, this is not Jack Black's least funny movie. That proud distinction belongs to NACHO LIBRE (2006).

Bernie Tiede worked as an assistant funeral director in Carthage, Texas. Funeral home directors have to try harder to be perceived as normal. You know want to be the creepy mortician, a necrophiliac of sorts, especially in a small town. So there's some overcompensation. Because a creepy mortician would be the first suspect in any murder investigation.

Bernie kept in touch with all the widows. Dropping by these ladies houses, giving them flowers and cards. He loved 'golden girls', and this was just the best way of getting into their Depends. I'm only kidding, of course, he wasn't into women all that much. Some might say, he was 'a little light in the loafers', to use the Texas vernacular.

If Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau could teach us anything, it's that polar opposites shouldn't live together in movies. This is where the problems began for Bernie and Marjorie. Their relationship began like a bad marriage. Marjorie gave him power of attorney, or a blank checkbook.

Pablo Escobar was liked, in spite of being a ruthless drug lord. Funny, when you build soccer stadiums people seem that conveniently forget all the harm you've caused. But Bernie wasn't a bad guy from the start. He was a real-life Ned Flanders. He spread his newfound wealth all over town, because it was already in his generous nature. This is a man that just snapped after being trapped with an emotionally abusive woman. It could happen to any of us; Billy Corgan was right, 'the killer in you is the killer in me'.

I've always maintained that the only time Matthew McConnaughy doesn't stink, is when he is in those Dolce and Gabbana cologne ads. He has experience playing dumb people and lawyers. But combining these two things has proven quite the challenge for him. In this movie, but, he played the dopey, country bumpkin, District Attorney. It's too much, no one that dumb could graduate law school, and pass the bar exam: no-sir-e-bob.

While there weren't too many LOL moments, this movie told an original, real-life story, most effectively. In short, this movie was well executed, if you'll pardon the pun.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100

Get the Gringo

GET THE GRINGO
R
95 Minutes
Director: Adrian Grunberg
Writers: Mel Gibson, Adrian Grunberg, Stacy Perskie
Mel Gibson, Peter Stormare, Dean Norris

Father-Son Moment

Cast
Mel Gibson-Driver
Peter Stormare-Frank
Dean Norris-Bill
Kevin Hernandez-Kid
Dolores Heredia-The Kid's Mom

Once an A-list actor, Mel Gibson has now become a Hollwood outcast. In his prime, he could almost pass for normal...almost. Bigotry, mental instability, alcoholism, delusions of grandeur; have all plagued this actor/philanthropist recently. The liberal media has persecuted Mister Gibson for his beliefs; and now, you could say that's his cross to bare.

The Mel you know and love (1985-95) has come back to life, however briefly, and not for the entire duration of this movie. After some serious soul searching, 'Mad Max' came up with this feature film. Surprisingly, Get the Gringo, is in large part, financed by himself.

After a large bank heist, a career criminal evades police, and escapes into Mexico. Landing himself in a Mexican jail. The jail is more of a ghetto than a jail, with its own local economy. Family members of prisoners come and go as they please. There's rampant corruption; you could buy almost anything you wanted there, except for freedom. This criminal mastermind has no problem circumnavigating this new world. He even knows a little Spanish.

Spoiler Alert: He falls in love with Mexican lady.

An exciting film, just good mindless fun. To use the cliché, this is an action packed, non-stop thrill ride. This 'thrill ride' ends like Splash Mountain at Disneyland, but without the water. I'm referring to the contrived, stupid, non-existent ending.

Lately, I've been teaching myself Spanish. So at the very least, I knew this movie would serve an educational purpose. And for all you students of Spanish, it did serve this purpose, they spoke Spanish and displayed Spanish subtitles.

Get the Gringo will never see the dark of theaters. So I reccomend getting this from a Red Box. When you're over at a friends house, throw the DVD on the coffee table, and say:

What the hell is this doing here?
Really?
I'm embarrassed to even know you.
Still, would be funny if we watched it... all the way through.

Final Verdict: 68 out of 100

NBA Playoffs

The Man Without a Face (Retro)

THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE(1993)

PG-13

115 min

Director: Mel Gibson

Writers: Isabelle Holland (novel), Malcolm MacRury (screenplay)

Mel Gibson, Nick Stahl, Margaret Whitton

Staples of the 90s

Mother's gone too far -- she's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE -- I didn't even know we had a problem!

-Principal Skinner, THE SIMPSONS, 4F18

Cast

Chuck Norstadt-Nick Stahl

Ted Danson Faceless Man-Mel Gibson

Catherine Palin (Mother)- Margaret Whitton

In the movie world, 1993 was a year of animals, featuring Dinosaurs, a lovable orca whale, and Adolph Hitler. People tend to forget about the less successful, and often less critically acclaimed films. Like DENNIS THE MENACE, and the movie I'm reviewing here.

There is that period between LETHAL WEAPON IIand PAYBACK; where Mel Gibson directed a few movies. As a passionate cinéaste, he wanted to be taken seriously, not just as a mere, distinguished thespian, but as a handsome director.

Before he went craz...ier, he made BRAVEHEART and THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE.

And to answer your question, no this isn't a prequel to FACEOFF(1995).

The Summer After the 'Summer of Love'

Chuck wants to get into a military academy. This is in stark contrast to the social, and intellectual views of his genius family. He failed the admissions test, but he is determined to give it another go. He's hanging out in Maine, with the family at the summer home.

Chuck's father died in a mental institution, but his mom lies to him; saying he died in military combat. The boy needed a strong father figure in his life, and he found one. A former teacher that lives in a large estate on the edge of town: Jack McLeod.

There are differences between the movie and the book it’s based on. In the novel, the teacher may have been a pedophile. Whereas, in the movie he is merely a creepy, disfigured recluse; who meets with a 12-year old every day.

People are going to find out I don't know what I'm doing. I have to direct this film...what am going to do?

-Mel Gibson 2004 DVD Featurette

There are literal, as well as symbolic references to Shakespeare's MERCHANT OF VENICE (1598). Which I find interesting, in light of his more recent anti-Semitic rantings and movies. Contrary to his public behavior, he is not a moron. Surprisingly, he possesses a more nuanced understanding of the themes in Shakespeare's play; I must commend him for that, if nothing else.

Once you get past how ugly Mel Gibson's character is, there is a story, but it’s not very interesting. I mean it, no exaggeration, you can take my words at face value.

Final Verdict: 58 out of 100

Sidenote: reviewing The Avengers next.

Think Like a Man

THINK LIKE A MAN
122 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Tim Story
Writers: Keith Merryman, David A. Newman, Steve Harvey
Chris Brown, Gabrielle Union, Kevin Hart

You liked him in the Steve Harvey Show, The Original Kings of Comedy (2000), and the Family Feud...

... [crickets chirping]...?

Before my local Border's closed, I sat down on one of those big, comfy, black sofas; and I flipped through this 'book' Steve Harvey 'wrote'. I thought Pimp 'Magic' Harvey was going to impart some wisdom. Perhaps, show me how to pull a ho quick. But no, it was a well-intentioned book written for women, by a 'comedian'. For the record, I didn't read the entire book. But I did flip through it for good 30 minutes.

Think Like a Man, is the antithesis of 1997's How to Be a Player, featuring the long forgotten Bill Bellamy.

Most of this film is predictable. Like toward the end, you know there's going to be some messy breakups. Chris Brown's character is going beat the shit out of his girlfriend...oh, wait that was in real life.

We see the artist formerly known as 'Ron Artest' playing a game of pickup basketball. Why would a professional player be practicing basketball at the Y? Oh, maybe because he is serving a 7-game suspension for elbowing James Harden in the face.

To its credit, this film features an authentic mixed race group of friends. In TV commercials, you'll see one black guy playing a tambourine and four white guys, all playing in the same jam band...and one of them has erectile dysfunction. Here, there are two white guys, and four black guys; a more realistic ratio.

Complaints on Steve Harvey (in no particular order)

Soon as I got used to that bad hairpiece, he decides to shave his head. He looks much worse with a bald head, as hard as that is to believe.

This is the longest infomercial I have ever seen. Mr. Harvey must be possessed by the spirit of the late, great Billy Mays, himself. Which is surprising, I figured he'd be busy selling Oxyclean in heaven. The movie would get going, and every so often, we’d hear a tidbit of wisdom, an aside, where Steve Harvey is sitting in a chair. He would say things like, ‘men like standards, get some’, or how the perfect man doesn't exist. It's an unnecessary distraction, which detracts from the movie itself.

Steve Harvey is the last guy that should be dispensing relationship advice. Look at him, he's not exactly the epitome of success. It's like Louie Anderson putting out a diet book.

Parting Words

Think Like a Man is a male version of He's Just Not That Into You (2009). This is a tolerable, bland 'romcom’. If you're looking to get laid, this is the movie to take your lady acquaintance to; it's an efficient, cost-effective solution.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100