Future Blog Posts

I can't get italics to properly render on the web app. In the future, names of movies, books, and TV shows will be written in all CAPS. But I won't go back and revise old posts. I know all this goes against currently accepted MLA reference standards; I spent many a sleepless night, contemplating this very issue. My sincerest apologies.
Thanks,
E. Dunn

Showdown (Retro)

SHOWDOWN (1993)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Robert Radler
Writer: Stuart Gibbs
Billy Blanks, Kenn Scott, Christine Taylor

Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
-Akon, SMACK THAT

Actors and the Characters They Portray

Billy Blanks as Billy Grant
Billy Grant starts out as a 'rookie cop'. Him and his partner, investigate a loud party. At the party, Billy accidentally kills someone, with his bare hands. The guy he killed was Lee's brother. Billy leaves the force, and becomes a school janitor.
QUOTE: 'They're hurting kids to make money, and that's wrong.'
Patrick Kilpatrick as Lee
Billy killed his brother at the beginning of the movie. This film takes place 7 years after said incident. During those 7 years, Lee develops an anger management problem; starts a Karate school, and vows to kill Billy.
QUOTE: 'Fail me, and you'll be lucky if I decide to let you live.'
Kenn Scott as Ken Marx
This new school he's attending is complete anarchy; like Dangerous Minds, without Coolio or Michelle Pfeiffer. But Ken is unphased, to say the least. He's got his sights set on Julie, but Lee is already going out with her. You know what that means? We have ourselves a movie.
QUOTE: 'Julie, I'm not going to lose this fight.'
Christine Taylor as Julie
Christine Taylor can be accurately described as, 'a poor man's Alicia Silverstone'. . Both, Ken and Tom are after Julie. They can't both date her at the same time...or can they? The answer is no.
QUOTE: 'All you ever want tell do is party or get in my pants.'
John Mallory Asher as Mike
Mike is Ken's sidekick. He's got a geeky, Anthony Michael Hall-vibe going on.
QUOTE: I wish I could put a quote here. He never said anything noteworthy.
Ken McLeod as Tom
Tom is one of Lee's karate students. He's a dumb jock, with a quick temper. Oh, I forgot, he is also the 'jealous type'.
QUOTE: 'You stay away from Julie, cuz if you don't; bad things will happen to you.'
Linda Dona as Kate
I'm still trying to figure out her place in all of this. She answers to Lee. I would call Kate a secretary/goon/lover(?). Lee told her to keep an eye on Tom; so she tries to get hired as a substitute, sex-ed teacher. I don't know how that's an official teaching position.
QUOTE: 'I'm a very powerful woman.'

Kickin' it―Old School

I can't convey the essence of this film, with mere words. This is something that you need to experience for yourself. SHOWDOWN is awful, but like Bigfoot, if you don't experience it first hand, then it's only a myth.

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. I present to you this montage, which gives you a complete understanding of the entire film:

Click on view entire article to see video.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

That's My Boy

THAT'S MY BOY
R
114 minutes
Director: Sean Anders
Writer: David Caspe
Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester

The second edition of: 'hey, that wasn’t as crappy as I thought it was gonna be.'

Cast
Adam Sandler-Donny
Andy Samberg-Todd
Leighton Meester-Jamie
Susan Sarandon-Mary McGarricle

The Plot
Adam laughs so hard at one of his own movies, that he dies. When he arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter gives him an ultimatum: before you pass, I'm going to need you to make one funny movie with Rob Schneider. Otherwise, you'll spend eternity watching Little Nicky. Okay, I made that up, but it sounds plausible, right?

Maybe all those PG-13 comedies has stifled his creativity. Now, we are finally able to see his raw comedic talent, unrestrained by the bounds of the MPAA.

Lovechild―Never Meant To Be.

Todd is the product of an inappropriate Teacher-Student relationship, his mother is still in jail. Todd's real name is Han Solo, because that's what a 13-year-old boy would name his kid. As an adult, Hans disowns his parents. He creates a fake life story that involves his parents being dead. Hans changed his name to Todd, and now he's an uptight hedge fund manager.

His father, Donny (Sandler) is burnout loser. When I saw him pop that can of Natural Ice, I knew had some 'Father of the Year' trophies lying around.

We've all seen this movie before. The deadbeat dad gets back in the picture, after his son becomes successful.

Todd is this boring, uptight guy and Donny looks like an ulta-charming guy, who does everything right. There's a sort of What About Bob-dynamic to the plot. By the end of that movie, Richard Dreyfuss looked crazier than his psychiatric patient (Murray). One might say, the doctor ran out of patience.

James Caan, Susan Sarandon, Todd Bridges, and Sean's Dad from Boy Meets World. Do think these celebrities would be in a bad comedy? Perhaps? Well alright, but they aren't that bad in this one. Oh, I almost forgot, Todd Bridges is in this, but he wasn't on screen long enough to bug me.

The Secret of the Ooze
With all the early nineties cultural references, I was practically spooging in my pants. Vanilla Ice, Adam Sandler, New Kids on the Block, even Ian Ziering gets into the mix, that's right, Steve Sanders himself.

This is unoriginal, mindless, and about as low brow as it gets. But a comedy can only be judged by how funny it is, none of them are flawless.

I wanted to hate this movie. I'm sure many people wrote reviews before actually seeing the film. Everything is completely ridiculous, but it works. They kind of ease you into the ridiculousness, the way you might ease into a hot tub. So pop the Champale, Adam Sandler was in a kind of okay movie.

'...now that's what I call a hole in one. '

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

LOL

LOL

PG-13 

97 min

Director: Lisa Azuelos

Writers: Lisa Azuelos, Kamir Aïnouz, Charles Dickens

Miley Cyrus, Douglas Booth, Ashley Greene, Demi Moore

You can change your status, but not your heart. (Tagline)

We call her the post it, because she sticks to every guy, and pretends that she loves them...whatever.

-Lola

'We're just friends but I just want you to know, if I were him I'd never let you go.' -Kyle

Cast

Ashley Greene ... Ashley

Miley Cyrus ... Lola

Demi Moore ... Anne

Adam G. Sevani ... Max

Jean-Luc Bilodeau ... Jeremy

Gina Gershon ... Kathy

George Finn ... Chad

There are many problems with this film. So the focus of this article will only include  grammatical blunders of high school students.

While ending sentences with prepositions, isn't against the rules; stylistically, it is unwise... I'm just kidding, here's the rest of your article.

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

LOL is based off a French film with the same name. The original director did an American remake of her own film from 2009. The movie is about the less-than-seamless transition into adulthood for Disney Channel Actors.

Lola and Anne have a mother-daughter relationship like the GILMORE GIRLS: in which the parent is more like a friend. Demi Moore plays her mom, recently divorced. She still hooks up with the dad on occasion. 

After breaking up with Chad on the first day of school; she finds a new boyfriend, Kyle. He's a deep, sensitive musician, and he has this 'battle of the bands' contest coming up.

Wash-Rinse-Repeat...Always Repeat.

Kyle and his band, 'No Shampoo' are playing at the 'battle of the bands' contest. But wait, Kyle's dad finds pot in his room and smashes his Sears guitar into little pieces. But rest assured, he sneaks out and makes it to the contest, and his band wins.

This movie portrays the high school experience accurately. Because there's constant communication, multitasking, and no school work ever gets done. And the students, they aren't played by 28 year-olds actors. 

Honestly, I'd expect more out of a 2009 Teen Choice Award winner. They don't hand those surfboards out to just anyone.

Movies, and TV shows, for that matter, usually have some sort of structure to them. Events happen, a protagonist overcomes an obstacle, and maybe there is a conclusion. I still don't understand what went on in the movie. LOL is disappointing, and it destroys my-achey-breaky-heart.

Final Verdict: Pot-1, Parents-0

I mean 25 out of 100

Prometheus

PROMETHEUS
R
124 Minutes
Writers: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Director: Ridley Scott
Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Meredith Vickers, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride
- MR. SPACEMAN, The Byrds (1966)

Cast
Noomi Rapace...Elizabeth Shaw
Michael Fassbender...David
Charlize Theron...Meredith Vickers
Idris Elba...Janek
Guy Pearce...Peter Weyland
Logan Marshall-Green...Charlie Holloway
Sean Harris...Fifield
Rafe Spall...Millburn
Emun Elliott...Chance
Benedict Wong...Ravel
Kate Dickie...Ford

What initially attracted me to this film was the title, Prometheus. How apt, the real Prometheus stole fire from the gods. As punishment, he was then chained to a rock, where a vulture would feast on his liver daily.

I feel funny critiquing Michael Fassbender. After all, he played a movie critic in Inglourious Basterds (2009). Here, he plays 'David', a robot closely resembling a human being. Not that a Half-Bred Vulcan could mate with an Android, why, that would be preposterous.

Quotes
'Want, not a concept I'm familiar with.'
'Doesn't everyone want their parents dead?'
'Sometimes to create, one must destroy.'
'It must feel like your God abandoned you.'
'Your father died of Ebola.'
'I watched your dreams.'
'I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical.'
'He did speak in alien language, but I'm unable to find those translations.'

Humanoid robots need to be indistinguishable from people, otherwise people freak out. Believe me, Bicentennial Man (1999) haunts me till this very day. Every time I walk into a crowded movie theater, I think, please, please don't let this be as bad as Bicentennial Man.
Few films get this existential without looking ridiculous, especially with science fiction. This is not a movie made for retards or overgrown man-children. I heard a co-worker complain about this film. In disbelief, I blurted out, 'really, what the hell movie were you watching?'. I'm fairly certain that we'll be on speaking terms some day.

There are other movies similar to this one. Namely, the underrated masterpiece: The Thing (1982). Kurt Russell plays in Antarctic 'research scientist'. I especially like the scene where he dumps bourbon on the computer after losing a chess game. But I digress.

There is one thing I found distracting; Dr. Shaw was always pronounced as 'Dr. Scholl'. I thought it was done on purpose, perhaps an obscure reference that I had no knowledge of (which is highly unlikely).

Miraculously, science-fiction clichés are avoided in Prometheus. For example, the black guy didn't die first. The CGI and 3D imagery wasn't obnoxious. And most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is nowhere to be seen. Job Well-Dunn.

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Sidenote: You should show up late to this movie. With previews, and the cartoon short, the actual film didn't get started until 25 minutes after the scheduled start time.

MIB III

MEN IN BLACK III
PG-13
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham
Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can so I can See the light that's right before my eyes
-Corey Hart

Cast

Will Smith Agent J (Jay)
Tommy Lee Jones Agent K (Kay)
Josh Brolin Young Agent K (Kay)

Sci-Fi comedies are either great, or their awful: there is no in between. On one side, we have BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and on the other, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN.

The first MEN IN BLACK, deputed in the summer of 1997. About as good as summer blockbusters get. It had subtle, offbeat humor. Vincent D'Onofrio made the entire movie with that incredibly funny character, Edgar.

As for the sequel, MEN IN BLACK II was never actually made, due to the time traveling in MEN IN BLACK III. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

In this latest installment, Agent J arrives in 1969 to prevent something from happening to Agent K.

Tommy Lee Jones made this film franchise believable. You take one look at him, and instinctively, you know he can keep a secret. Yet, he isn't present for most of the movie.

With TRUE GRIT, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, inevitably, Josh Brolin will fall of the pedestal I placed him on. But that day, has yet to arrive. In this movie, he completely captures the essence of Tommy Lee Jones/Agent K. With the appearance of a young Richard Nixon. Brolin portrays an authentic, younger version of Special Agent K.

MEN IN BLACK is one of the best theme songs Will Smith has ever created, it's right up there with WILD WILD WEST, and THE FRESH PRINCE BEL-AIR: kudos.

With his universal likability, some have hailed him the 'Tom Hanks of the 90s'. And even though he hasn't made many of, what people might call 'good movies': Will Smith is not disappearing any time soon. Besides, who else is going to play Barack Obama in a future movie, say, 10-15 years from now?

Watching Miss Universe competitions, it's easy to forget how small we actually are. MEN IN BLACK III is an intergalactic comedy that will bring you right back down to earth...(get it?).

Definitely a family film, and by that, I don't mean plain or inoffensive, like HITCH. Your entire family might actually enjoy this movie. Which is great, because after all, 'sometimes parents just don't understand'.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Sidenote: Speaking of alien life forms. There is rumor of a possible ALF movie.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

-Paul Fusco, ALF creator

Bernie

BERNIE
PG-13
104 Minutes
Director: Richard Linklater
Writers: Richard Linklater (screenplay), Skip Hollandsworth (screenplay)
Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey

“I have found strength where one does not look for it: in simple, mild, and pleasant people, without the least desire to rule...The powerful natures dominate, it is a necessity, they need not lift one finger. -Friedrich Nietzsche. Nachlass, Fall 1880

Cast
Matthew McConaughey-Danny Buck
Jack Black-Bernie Tiede
Shirley MacLaine-Marjorie Nugent

Bernie has been called a dark comedy, but I feel this to be highly inaccurate. This story actually happened. It's a bizarre film that transcends genre, Unlike dead baby jokes; I felt uneasy laughing, even during the funny parts. Still, this is not Jack Black's least funny movie. That proud distinction belongs to NACHO LIBRE (2006).

Bernie Tiede worked as an assistant funeral director in Carthage, Texas. Funeral home directors have to try harder to be perceived as normal. You know want to be the creepy mortician, a necrophiliac of sorts, especially in a small town. So there's some overcompensation. Because a creepy mortician would be the first suspect in any murder investigation.

Bernie kept in touch with all the widows. Dropping by these ladies houses, giving them flowers and cards. He loved 'golden girls', and this was just the best way of getting into their Depends. I'm only kidding, of course, he wasn't into women all that much. Some might say, he was 'a little light in the loafers', to use the Texas vernacular.

If Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau could teach us anything, it's that polar opposites shouldn't live together in movies. This is where the problems began for Bernie and Marjorie. Their relationship began like a bad marriage. Marjorie gave him power of attorney, or a blank checkbook.

Pablo Escobar was liked, in spite of being a ruthless drug lord. Funny, when you build soccer stadiums people seem that conveniently forget all the harm you've caused. But Bernie wasn't a bad guy from the start. He was a real-life Ned Flanders. He spread his newfound wealth all over town, because it was already in his generous nature. This is a man that just snapped after being trapped with an emotionally abusive woman. It could happen to any of us; Billy Corgan was right, 'the killer in you is the killer in me'.

I've always maintained that the only time Matthew McConnaughy doesn't stink, is when he is in those Dolce and Gabbana cologne ads. He has experience playing dumb people and lawyers. But combining these two things has proven quite the challenge for him. In this movie, but, he played the dopey, country bumpkin, District Attorney. It's too much, no one that dumb could graduate law school, and pass the bar exam: no-sir-e-bob.

While there weren't too many LOL moments, this movie told an original, real-life story, most effectively. In short, this movie was well executed, if you'll pardon the pun.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100

Get the Gringo

GET THE GRINGO
R
95 Minutes
Director: Adrian Grunberg
Writers: Mel Gibson, Adrian Grunberg, Stacy Perskie
Mel Gibson, Peter Stormare, Dean Norris

Father-Son Moment

Cast
Mel Gibson-Driver
Peter Stormare-Frank
Dean Norris-Bill
Kevin Hernandez-Kid
Dolores Heredia-The Kid's Mom

Once an A-list actor, Mel Gibson has now become a Hollwood outcast. In his prime, he could almost pass for normal...almost. Bigotry, mental instability, alcoholism, delusions of grandeur; have all plagued this actor/philanthropist recently. The liberal media has persecuted Mister Gibson for his beliefs; and now, you could say that's his cross to bare.

The Mel you know and love (1985-95) has come back to life, however briefly, and not for the entire duration of this movie. After some serious soul searching, 'Mad Max' came up with this feature film. Surprisingly, Get the Gringo, is in large part, financed by himself.

After a large bank heist, a career criminal evades police, and escapes into Mexico. Landing himself in a Mexican jail. The jail is more of a ghetto than a jail, with its own local economy. Family members of prisoners come and go as they please. There's rampant corruption; you could buy almost anything you wanted there, except for freedom. This criminal mastermind has no problem circumnavigating this new world. He even knows a little Spanish.

Spoiler Alert: He falls in love with Mexican lady.

An exciting film, just good mindless fun. To use the cliché, this is an action packed, non-stop thrill ride. This 'thrill ride' ends like Splash Mountain at Disneyland, but without the water. I'm referring to the contrived, stupid, non-existent ending.

Lately, I've been teaching myself Spanish. So at the very least, I knew this movie would serve an educational purpose. And for all you students of Spanish, it did serve this purpose, they spoke Spanish and displayed Spanish subtitles.

Get the Gringo will never see the dark of theaters. So I reccomend getting this from a Red Box. When you're over at a friends house, throw the DVD on the coffee table, and say:

What the hell is this doing here?
Really?
I'm embarrassed to even know you.
Still, would be funny if we watched it... all the way through.

Final Verdict: 68 out of 100

NBA Playoffs

The Man Without a Face (Retro)

THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE(1993)

PG-13

115 min

Director: Mel Gibson

Writers: Isabelle Holland (novel), Malcolm MacRury (screenplay)

Mel Gibson, Nick Stahl, Margaret Whitton

Staples of the 90s

Mother's gone too far -- she's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE -- I didn't even know we had a problem!

-Principal Skinner, THE SIMPSONS, 4F18

Cast

Chuck Norstadt-Nick Stahl

Ted Danson Faceless Man-Mel Gibson

Catherine Palin (Mother)- Margaret Whitton

In the movie world, 1993 was a year of animals, featuring Dinosaurs, a lovable orca whale, and Adolph Hitler. People tend to forget about the less successful, and often less critically acclaimed films. Like DENNIS THE MENACE, and the movie I'm reviewing here.

There is that period between LETHAL WEAPON IIand PAYBACK; where Mel Gibson directed a few movies. As a passionate cinéaste, he wanted to be taken seriously, not just as a mere, distinguished thespian, but as a handsome director.

Before he went craz...ier, he made BRAVEHEART and THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE.

And to answer your question, no this isn't a prequel to FACEOFF(1995).

The Summer After the 'Summer of Love'

Chuck wants to get into a military academy. This is in stark contrast to the social, and intellectual views of his genius family. He failed the admissions test, but he is determined to give it another go. He's hanging out in Maine, with the family at the summer home.

Chuck's father died in a mental institution, but his mom lies to him; saying he died in military combat. The boy needed a strong father figure in his life, and he found one. A former teacher that lives in a large estate on the edge of town: Jack McLeod.

There are differences between the movie and the book it’s based on. In the novel, the teacher may have been a pedophile. Whereas, in the movie he is merely a creepy, disfigured recluse; who meets with a 12-year old every day.

People are going to find out I don't know what I'm doing. I have to direct this film...what am going to do?

-Mel Gibson 2004 DVD Featurette

There are literal, as well as symbolic references to Shakespeare's MERCHANT OF VENICE (1598). Which I find interesting, in light of his more recent anti-Semitic rantings and movies. Contrary to his public behavior, he is not a moron. Surprisingly, he possesses a more nuanced understanding of the themes in Shakespeare's play; I must commend him for that, if nothing else.

Once you get past how ugly Mel Gibson's character is, there is a story, but it’s not very interesting. I mean it, no exaggeration, you can take my words at face value.

Final Verdict: 58 out of 100

Sidenote: reviewing The Avengers next.

Think Like a Man

THINK LIKE A MAN
122 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Tim Story
Writers: Keith Merryman, David A. Newman, Steve Harvey
Chris Brown, Gabrielle Union, Kevin Hart

You liked him in the Steve Harvey Show, The Original Kings of Comedy (2000), and the Family Feud...

... [crickets chirping]...?

Before my local Border's closed, I sat down on one of those big, comfy, black sofas; and I flipped through this 'book' Steve Harvey 'wrote'. I thought Pimp 'Magic' Harvey was going to impart some wisdom. Perhaps, show me how to pull a ho quick. But no, it was a well-intentioned book written for women, by a 'comedian'. For the record, I didn't read the entire book. But I did flip through it for good 30 minutes.

Think Like a Man, is the antithesis of 1997's How to Be a Player, featuring the long forgotten Bill Bellamy.

Most of this film is predictable. Like toward the end, you know there's going to be some messy breakups. Chris Brown's character is going beat the shit out of his girlfriend...oh, wait that was in real life.

We see the artist formerly known as 'Ron Artest' playing a game of pickup basketball. Why would a professional player be practicing basketball at the Y? Oh, maybe because he is serving a 7-game suspension for elbowing James Harden in the face.

To its credit, this film features an authentic mixed race group of friends. In TV commercials, you'll see one black guy playing a tambourine and four white guys, all playing in the same jam band...and one of them has erectile dysfunction. Here, there are two white guys, and four black guys; a more realistic ratio.

Complaints on Steve Harvey (in no particular order)

Soon as I got used to that bad hairpiece, he decides to shave his head. He looks much worse with a bald head, as hard as that is to believe.

This is the longest infomercial I have ever seen. Mr. Harvey must be possessed by the spirit of the late, great Billy Mays, himself. Which is surprising, I figured he'd be busy selling Oxyclean in heaven. The movie would get going, and every so often, we’d hear a tidbit of wisdom, an aside, where Steve Harvey is sitting in a chair. He would say things like, ‘men like standards, get some’, or how the perfect man doesn't exist. It's an unnecessary distraction, which detracts from the movie itself.

Steve Harvey is the last guy that should be dispensing relationship advice. Look at him, he's not exactly the epitome of success. It's like Louie Anderson putting out a diet book.

Parting Words

Think Like a Man is a male version of He's Just Not That Into You (2009). This is a tolerable, bland 'romcom’. If you're looking to get laid, this is the movie to take your lady acquaintance to; it's an efficient, cost-effective solution.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100

A Thousand Words

A THOUSAND WORDS
PG-13
91 Minutes
Director: Brian Robbins
Writer:Steve Koren
Eddie Murphy,Cliff Curtis, Kerry Washington, Clark Duke

Cast
Eddie Murphy Jack McCall
Cliff Curtis Dr. Sinja
Kerry Washington Caroline Mc..
Clark Duke Aaron Wiseberger

A brief departure from his regular gig at Universal Studios'You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don't work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won't work.'
-Eddie Murphy

Make like Ryan Leaf and steal some Percocet

After lying to an Indian guru, to get him to sign a book deal. Literary agent, Jack McCoc finds a Bodhi tree in his back yard. There are one-thousand leaves on this tree. A leaf falls every time Jack speaks a word. He dies if all the leaves fall off the tree.What this movie tries to illustrate most is that the words we speak have consequences.

Normally, you would expect Steve Carell or Jim Carey to play Jack McCall. And Morgan Freeman would play the new-age guru. I suppose they had better things to do.

Jack cannot speak for three days. As you can guess, this makes for some awkward business and social interactions. There is no writing words, but he can play charades with people. No one understands the predicament he's in; concise communication is of the utmost importance.

Personally, I would get one of those Stephen Hawking voice dealies. But that's against the rules. So he can't communicate in English, via his mouth or his hands. Oh, he can talk to animals, but Dr. Doolittle is curiously absent from this adventure. What he ends up doing is using talking action figures to make important conference calls with business clients.

D.J. Be good or you can't watch Howdy Doody

Jack's mother has dementia. His mother frequently confuses him with his deceased father. Comedically, this doesn’t work. Mostly because Eddie Murphy doesn’t play the role of his mother. Unfortunately, all we’re left with is a sad situation.

John Witherspoon usually serves as a vehicle for fart jokes, but here he plays a blind guy crossing the street... oh, and he almost gets hit.

Recently, I reviewed Tower Heist, Eddie was good in this. Furthermore, if we go back a little further to 2006, he plays James 'Thunder' Early in Dreamgirls. 'Member that part where he starts talking off his clothes on live television...that was awesome.

Jimmy want a piece of your chocolate cake

But more than all that Jimmy wants a break

'Cause Jimmy got soul, Jimmy got soul

Granted, it's not, Imagine That (2009), or The Haunted Mansion (2003).

Children make a wish, it’s a falling star

My critics might say that making fun of Eddie Murphy movies is too easy. And to that, I say: you are absolutely correct.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

‘It's not the first hooker I've helped out. I've seen hookers on corners and I'll pull over and they'll go, 'Oh you're Eddie Murphy, oh my God,' and I'll empty my wallet out to help.’

American Reunion

AMERICAN REUNION
R
113 mins
Director: Jon Hurwitz
Writers: Adam Herz, Jon Hurwitz
Chris Owen, Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Eugene Levy, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Justin Isfeld, Chris Klein, Jennifer Coolidge, Jay Harrington, John Cho, Shannon Elizabeth, Tara Reid

"Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?"
-Kevin (Character)

Michelle, Jim, Heather, Kevin, Vicki, Finch, Stifler, and Stifler's mom. These characters embark on, yet another journey.

A journey―as sweet and American―as the Apple pie Jason Biggs made love to 13 years ago. All the actors are famous, but not too famous. They all have regular gigs, but could still use the money to feed their kids/addictions.

High school reunion movies and even TV episodes are ever good. What about THE SIMPSONS episode where Homer went to his class reunion? Well, that was no class reunion episode. He never graduated high school. Yeah, he managed to get a GED, but that doesn't count.

High school reunion movies filmed in the late 90s were dreadful. ROMY AND MICHELLE'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION (1997) comes to mind. These films were about people who went to high school in the late 80s. More recent reunion movies have better soundtracks: Backstreet Boys, Limp Bizkit, Blink 182; need I say more?

You won't believe who hooked up with who.

• Jim and Michelle rekindled the spark in their marriage.


• Stifler's mom and Mr. Levenstein get it on.


• Finch's mom and Stifler. Hold on... let me savor the irony.

Idiotic, sophomoric, tomfoolericific, unsophisticated; but enough about myself. In all fairness, this movie doesn't pretend to be funny serious. However, it does pretend to be original. This is the fourth time I've seen the same AMERICAN PIE film. I figured they might make a good movie on accident.

Chris Klein and Keanu Reeves are identical twins. They look alike, and personality wise; neither of them are capable of portraying a convincing 'smart person'. So no one would catch on, Chris was put in suspended animation for 15 years.

On its own, this movie doesn't work. You need to know, and like the characters from the previous three movies to enjoy this one.

We will see many more sequels. There is no taming this 'AMERICAN PIE' beast. Even if all the actors died in the same plane crash: Buddy Holly style. They would make a documentary called: 'AMERICAN FUNERAL: THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED'. I would be the only critic with enough balls to rag on it.

Final verdict: 30 out of 100

The Hunger Games

THE HUNGER GAMES

PG-13

144 Minutes

Director: Gary Ross

Writers: Gary Ross, Suzanne Collins, Billy Ray

Jennifer Lawerence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Stanley Tucci

The best movie featuring Ice-T and Gary Busey.                                    

CAST

Jennifer Lawrence--Katniss Everdeen

Willow Shields--Primrose Everdeen

Josh Hutcherson--Peeta Mellark

Liam Hemsworth--Gale Hawthorne

Stanley Tucci--Caesar Flickerman

Wes Bentley--Seneca Crane

Elizabeth Banks--Effie Trinket

Woody Harrelson--Haymitch Abernathy 

'With these hungry eyes. One look at you and I can't disguise. I've got hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I.'                                              -HUNGRY EYES, by Eric Carmen

'In penance for there uprising, each district shall offer up a male and a female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public reaping.'

There are 12 districts, and only one individual lives.  A negative raffle of sorts; reminiscent of THE LOTTERY, by Shirley Jackson. Her younger sister, Primrose (Shields) got selected, but Lawrence volunteered instead.

In the country of 'Panem', which includes all North America. The largest, wealthiest, most powerful city in the entire world is named: 'The Capitol'. Yes, that is the official city name. The writers must have pulled an 'all-nighter' coming up with that one.

I'm not sure what year this is supposed to be; for all I know it could be from the past. Perhaps it's the lost civilization of Atlantis.

The inhabitants of 'The Capitol' look like extras from a Katie Perry video. Except, no one shooting with whipped cream out of their tits.

Haymitch Abernathy (Harrelson) won the games may years ago, he serves as Primrose's mentor. Woody Harrelson is always playing a burnout. It's like Jeremy Piven, he's always playing a dick...with bad hair plugs.

There's a bee hive.

So?

Stand back.

Are you crazy? You'll get stung!

-MY GIRL (1991)

That scene from MY GIRL, whereMacaulay Culkin dies (spoiler alert). They take that scene and make it much deadlier. Except in this movie, it's used as weapon to kill people on purpose. 

When the games are going on, the movie is entertaining. Which is about 35% of the film. Jennifer Lawrence's carries most of that 35 percent. 

This movie raises many 'Why' questions.

Namely:

• What planet do they live on?

• Are they in a separate, parallel universe?

• Is this parallel universe based on junk science?

• Would people really tolerate this sort of thing?

• How does their economy function?

• What was the point of all this?

THE TRUMAN SHOW, SURVIVOR, RAMBO, and JERSEY SHORE. THE HUNGER GAMES combines all of these things. Which sounds much cooler than it actually is. Stream this on Netflix, when you're hungover...and you don't have anything better to watch.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

We did baby!

To mark the one year aniversty of the Garden of E Dunn website (not the blog). It should work on iPhones, Android, and Windows 7 devices. And don't think I forgot about you Symbian users; I didn't... You don't really count. Post under comments if it doesn't work for you.

Click here to download.

For Android users: You may have to go to settings;
Non-Market applications (Menu) > Settings > Applications > Unknown sources

21 Jump Street

21 JUMP STREET
R
109 Minutes
Directors: Phil Lord, Chris Miller Writers: Michael Bacall (screenplay), Michael Bacall (story), Jonah Hill
Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube

This may be hard to believe, but I watched a lot of TV as a young kid. 21 Jump Street just wasn't on my radar, probably because it wasn't a cartoon, and it didn't have a laugh track. It’s the show that launched Johnny Depp's career, he departed after a few seasons to make Edward Scissorhands (1990).

21 Jump Street doesn't take it self too seriously. Almost like a movie Judd Apatow would make. This film is completely unoriginal, but in a good way. A celebration of cheesy clichés. Which includes a one-dimensional, multicultural criminal syndicate.

2005 was a much simpler time. The only means of communication kids had were: email, text messaging, instant messaging, MySpace, analog paper notes, Morse Code, and soup cans. Schmidt and Jenko went to the same high school, seven years ago. Schmidt was a dork in high school, and the other guy was a football star. Things are different this time around. Schmidt becomes popular, and it really gets to his head.

Ice cube plays the police captain Captian Tennill Dickson; which is like Ron Jeremy teaching sex-ed at an all-girls Catholic school.

Their assignment: to infiltrate a high school, and arrest young girls that would be involved in statutory rape. But really, they need to find the source of a deadly, new synthetic drug. A drug that makes you see the color of time.

There’s a bitchin' party at the parents house. They buy a couple kegs, and steal drugs from the evidence locker back at the station. You can guess what happens here. The parents come back early from vacation. Schmidt becomes the coolest mac-daddy at school.

Glory days, glory daze

It's your typical high school revenge fantasy: shooting classmates...on film...in a pretend movie. This is the real revenge of the nerds.

Look at that Andrea character on 90210. She was well into her 30s; I thought she was a member of the faculty…that was going to retire soon.

'Going back to high school' movies are a close cousin of the body-switching movies. High school movies, of any kind are never about people in high school. There a product of a youth obsessed culture. Involving the high school world of geeks and jocks; that only exists in movies. If they aren't cops, then they're magazine writers for the Chicago Sun-Times.

Comedies are only meant to 90 minutes long. About 10 or 15 minutes worth of content should have been cut. I do like the surprise ending, like Steven Seagal in The Onion Movie (2008) as the 'crotch puncher'.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100

Everybody do the Urkel dance?

If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance,
All you have to do is hitch up your pants,
Bend your knees, and stick out your pelvis;
(I'm telling you, baby, it's better than Elvis!).

-Do the Urkel Dance

Stars are something you see in the night sky. Jaleel White is like the moon; nay, he is much more stellar than that. His accolades include: a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Nomination (1996).

Venus, the goddess of love and beauty...is full of hot air. 

Jaleel is a more divine figure, like Jupiter: King of the Gods.

About 6 years ago, there was an internet hoax. Jaleel White committed suicide and left a note stating:  'Did I do that?'.

March 19th is the premier. This will be the first, and only time I will watch this show. No, that's not true, I'm not fooling anyone.

I leave you with this: the best episode of Family Matters (abbreviated version).