Ted

TED
R         
106 Minutes
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Writers:Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild    
Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane     

Cast
Mark Wahlberg John Bennett
Mila Kunis Lori Collins
Seth MacFarlane Ted (voice)
Joel McHale Giovanni Ribisi         
Patrick Stewart Narrator
Sam J. Jones  Himself

Ever since I saw Mark Wahlberg in that music video, I knew he could be funny in other things. Then there was PLANET OF THE APES. At this point, I had lost all faith in the man; perhaps he couldn't do any good without the help of 'The Funky Bunch'. But I was wrong, because as it turns out, every other movie he starred in was better than PLANET OF THE APES.

MY BUDDY AND ME

Talking bears were big in the 80s: Care Bears, Snuggle, Teddy Ruxpin, and 'Smokey the Bear'; telling kids how lighting cigarettes will really calm your nerves.

John Bennett never had any friends as a kid, so he wished for his stuffed bear to come to life. And he did, almost like 'Frosty the Snowman', except Ted doesn't melt after a couple of weeks.  Ted came to life 27 years ago, and presently, he is still very much alive.  He's like the Care Bear that got dumped off in a wheel barrow at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Now, John is a 35 year-old guy who won't  grow up. His days consist of smoking pot, drinking beer, and watching bad TV. And to make matters worse, he's a physics professor at MIT...I mean, he works at a car rental place.  

While it had more genuinely funny moments than most movies; it's not without its  flaws.

1. The premise of this movie is absolutely ludicrous; a talking bear: I mean c'mon.
2. There's a predictable relationship dynamic between Mark Wahlberg and his girlfriend.
3. Ted has a job at a grocery store, after acting like a complete asshole, he gets several promotions. It's a little too OFFICE SPACE for me.

There still no real ALF movie. That TV movie―PROJECT ALF (1996) doesn't count. With the success of this film, we might get the ball rolling on that rumored ALF movie. But I don't want to jinks anything.

I was at a packed movie theater, and when the credits rolled, I witnessed applause, and a standing ovation. I thought the movie was adorable and funny: a solid, B-grade comedy.  That's just my opinion, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps you should rely on the opinions of people who would give a standing ovation after watching a movie.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Moonrise Kingdom

MOONRISE KINGDOM
PG-13
94 Minutes
Director: Wes Anderson
Writers: Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola
Jared Gilman, Kara Hayward, Bruce Willis  

First day of search party for Sam Shakusky. Morale is extremely low, in part, I suppose, because Sam is, unfortunately, the least popular scout in the troop, by a significant margin. I’m worried, and I’m confused....
-Scout Master Ward's Log: September 2nd (1965)

Bruce Willis Captain Sharp
Edward Norton Scout Master Ward
Bill Murray Walt Bishop
Kara Hayward Suzy
Frances McDormand Laura Bishop
Jared Gilman Sam
Tilda Swinton  Social Services
Jason Schwartzman Cousin Ben
Harvey Keitel Commander Pierce
Bob Balaban Narrator
Snoopy Jack Russell Terrier                           
None of Wilson brothers?

'Didn't you get my letter of resignation? I quit the Khaki Scouts.'

This story sails off on a fictitious island, near the New England coastline, circa 1965.

Suzy and Sam, are a couple of crazy kids on a romantic adventure. Suzy is 12, and Sam is 32...I mean 12.

The film is about the search to find these two children. The search party is comprised of parents, a police officer, and the 'deputized' local Khacki Scout troop.

Bruce Willis plays a cop, this is where my skepticism creeps in. Really? This guy, an officer of the law, I just don't know.

Edward Norton portrays Scout Master Ward with the utmost seriousness, and sincerity. Master Ward tape records scout logs while chain-smoking, and consuming brandy.

This movie runs completely contrary to 'Murphy's law'. Hundreds of things that could have went wrong, didn't. Typically, scout leaders molest children, but that didn't happen here, at least not on camera.

There are many historical inaccuracies, having been alive in 1965, I can tell. Mostly small things, like car models that didn't exist yet. I believe he did this on purpose. Distracting the audience, to cover up the more egregious errors. Like cheap fabric dyes that didn't exist in 1965. Mr. Anderson: I'm on to you.

It's a tale told the way someone would remember a life event: inaccurately. The movie is a surreal fantasy, but I never once had to suspend disbelief. You find sinking into their reality; like wandering around in someone else's dream.

What I like most is the ending, because there isn't one. Endings only exist in the world of fiction.

MOONRISE KINGDOM is the perfect intertwining of comedy and drama. I recommend not downloading this off the internet for free. The best film you will see all year. That is, unless you watch a better movie from a different year. Like CITIZEN CANE, or something.

Final Verdict 95 out of 100

Future Blog Posts

I can't get italics to properly render on the web app. In the future, names of movies, books, and TV shows will be written in all CAPS. But I won't go back and revise old posts. I know all this goes against currently accepted MLA reference standards; I spent many a sleepless night, contemplating this very issue. My sincerest apologies.
Thanks,
E. Dunn

Showdown (Retro)

SHOWDOWN (1993)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Robert Radler
Writer: Stuart Gibbs
Billy Blanks, Kenn Scott, Christine Taylor

Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
-Akon, SMACK THAT

Actors and the Characters They Portray

Billy Blanks as Billy Grant
Billy Grant starts out as a 'rookie cop'. Him and his partner, investigate a loud party. At the party, Billy accidentally kills someone, with his bare hands. The guy he killed was Lee's brother. Billy leaves the force, and becomes a school janitor.
QUOTE: 'They're hurting kids to make money, and that's wrong.'
Patrick Kilpatrick as Lee
Billy killed his brother at the beginning of the movie. This film takes place 7 years after said incident. During those 7 years, Lee develops an anger management problem; starts a Karate school, and vows to kill Billy.
QUOTE: 'Fail me, and you'll be lucky if I decide to let you live.'
Kenn Scott as Ken Marx
This new school he's attending is complete anarchy; like Dangerous Minds, without Coolio or Michelle Pfeiffer. But Ken is unphased, to say the least. He's got his sights set on Julie, but Lee is already going out with her. You know what that means? We have ourselves a movie.
QUOTE: 'Julie, I'm not going to lose this fight.'
Christine Taylor as Julie
Christine Taylor can be accurately described as, 'a poor man's Alicia Silverstone'. . Both, Ken and Tom are after Julie. They can't both date her at the same time...or can they? The answer is no.
QUOTE: 'All you ever want tell do is party or get in my pants.'
John Mallory Asher as Mike
Mike is Ken's sidekick. He's got a geeky, Anthony Michael Hall-vibe going on.
QUOTE: I wish I could put a quote here. He never said anything noteworthy.
Ken McLeod as Tom
Tom is one of Lee's karate students. He's a dumb jock, with a quick temper. Oh, I forgot, he is also the 'jealous type'.
QUOTE: 'You stay away from Julie, cuz if you don't; bad things will happen to you.'
Linda Dona as Kate
I'm still trying to figure out her place in all of this. She answers to Lee. I would call Kate a secretary/goon/lover(?). Lee told her to keep an eye on Tom; so she tries to get hired as a substitute, sex-ed teacher. I don't know how that's an official teaching position.
QUOTE: 'I'm a very powerful woman.'

Kickin' it―Old School

I can't convey the essence of this film, with mere words. This is something that you need to experience for yourself. SHOWDOWN is awful, but like Bigfoot, if you don't experience it first hand, then it's only a myth.

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. I present to you this montage, which gives you a complete understanding of the entire film:

Click on view entire article to see video.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

That's My Boy

THAT'S MY BOY
R
114 minutes
Director: Sean Anders
Writer: David Caspe
Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester

The second edition of: 'hey, that wasn’t as crappy as I thought it was gonna be.'

Cast
Adam Sandler-Donny
Andy Samberg-Todd
Leighton Meester-Jamie
Susan Sarandon-Mary McGarricle

The Plot
Adam laughs so hard at one of his own movies, that he dies. When he arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter gives him an ultimatum: before you pass, I'm going to need you to make one funny movie with Rob Schneider. Otherwise, you'll spend eternity watching Little Nicky. Okay, I made that up, but it sounds plausible, right?

Maybe all those PG-13 comedies has stifled his creativity. Now, we are finally able to see his raw comedic talent, unrestrained by the bounds of the MPAA.

Lovechild―Never Meant To Be.

Todd is the product of an inappropriate Teacher-Student relationship, his mother is still in jail. Todd's real name is Han Solo, because that's what a 13-year-old boy would name his kid. As an adult, Hans disowns his parents. He creates a fake life story that involves his parents being dead. Hans changed his name to Todd, and now he's an uptight hedge fund manager.

His father, Donny (Sandler) is burnout loser. When I saw him pop that can of Natural Ice, I knew had some 'Father of the Year' trophies lying around.

We've all seen this movie before. The deadbeat dad gets back in the picture, after his son becomes successful.

Todd is this boring, uptight guy and Donny looks like an ulta-charming guy, who does everything right. There's a sort of What About Bob-dynamic to the plot. By the end of that movie, Richard Dreyfuss looked crazier than his psychiatric patient (Murray). One might say, the doctor ran out of patience.

James Caan, Susan Sarandon, Todd Bridges, and Sean's Dad from Boy Meets World. Do think these celebrities would be in a bad comedy? Perhaps? Well alright, but they aren't that bad in this one. Oh, I almost forgot, Todd Bridges is in this, but he wasn't on screen long enough to bug me.

The Secret of the Ooze
With all the early nineties cultural references, I was practically spooging in my pants. Vanilla Ice, Adam Sandler, New Kids on the Block, even Ian Ziering gets into the mix, that's right, Steve Sanders himself.

This is unoriginal, mindless, and about as low brow as it gets. But a comedy can only be judged by how funny it is, none of them are flawless.

I wanted to hate this movie. I'm sure many people wrote reviews before actually seeing the film. Everything is completely ridiculous, but it works. They kind of ease you into the ridiculousness, the way you might ease into a hot tub. So pop the Champale, Adam Sandler was in a kind of okay movie.

'...now that's what I call a hole in one. '

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

LOL

LOL

PG-13 

97 min

Director: Lisa Azuelos

Writers: Lisa Azuelos, Kamir Aïnouz, Charles Dickens

Miley Cyrus, Douglas Booth, Ashley Greene, Demi Moore

You can change your status, but not your heart. (Tagline)

We call her the post it, because she sticks to every guy, and pretends that she loves them...whatever.

-Lola

'We're just friends but I just want you to know, if I were him I'd never let you go.' -Kyle

Cast

Ashley Greene ... Ashley

Miley Cyrus ... Lola

Demi Moore ... Anne

Adam G. Sevani ... Max

Jean-Luc Bilodeau ... Jeremy

Gina Gershon ... Kathy

George Finn ... Chad

There are many problems with this film. So the focus of this article will only include  grammatical blunders of high school students.

While ending sentences with prepositions, isn't against the rules; stylistically, it is unwise... I'm just kidding, here's the rest of your article.

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

LOL is based off a French film with the same name. The original director did an American remake of her own film from 2009. The movie is about the less-than-seamless transition into adulthood for Disney Channel Actors.

Lola and Anne have a mother-daughter relationship like the GILMORE GIRLS: in which the parent is more like a friend. Demi Moore plays her mom, recently divorced. She still hooks up with the dad on occasion. 

After breaking up with Chad on the first day of school; she finds a new boyfriend, Kyle. He's a deep, sensitive musician, and he has this 'battle of the bands' contest coming up.

Wash-Rinse-Repeat...Always Repeat.

Kyle and his band, 'No Shampoo' are playing at the 'battle of the bands' contest. But wait, Kyle's dad finds pot in his room and smashes his Sears guitar into little pieces. But rest assured, he sneaks out and makes it to the contest, and his band wins.

This movie portrays the high school experience accurately. Because there's constant communication, multitasking, and no school work ever gets done. And the students, they aren't played by 28 year-olds actors. 

Honestly, I'd expect more out of a 2009 Teen Choice Award winner. They don't hand those surfboards out to just anyone.

Movies, and TV shows, for that matter, usually have some sort of structure to them. Events happen, a protagonist overcomes an obstacle, and maybe there is a conclusion. I still don't understand what went on in the movie. LOL is disappointing, and it destroys my-achey-breaky-heart.

Final Verdict: Pot-1, Parents-0

I mean 25 out of 100

Prometheus

PROMETHEUS
R
124 Minutes
Writers: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Director: Ridley Scott
Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Meredith Vickers, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride
- MR. SPACEMAN, The Byrds (1966)

Cast
Noomi Rapace...Elizabeth Shaw
Michael Fassbender...David
Charlize Theron...Meredith Vickers
Idris Elba...Janek
Guy Pearce...Peter Weyland
Logan Marshall-Green...Charlie Holloway
Sean Harris...Fifield
Rafe Spall...Millburn
Emun Elliott...Chance
Benedict Wong...Ravel
Kate Dickie...Ford

What initially attracted me to this film was the title, Prometheus. How apt, the real Prometheus stole fire from the gods. As punishment, he was then chained to a rock, where a vulture would feast on his liver daily.

I feel funny critiquing Michael Fassbender. After all, he played a movie critic in Inglourious Basterds (2009). Here, he plays 'David', a robot closely resembling a human being. Not that a Half-Bred Vulcan could mate with an Android, why, that would be preposterous.

Quotes
'Want, not a concept I'm familiar with.'
'Doesn't everyone want their parents dead?'
'Sometimes to create, one must destroy.'
'It must feel like your God abandoned you.'
'Your father died of Ebola.'
'I watched your dreams.'
'I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical.'
'He did speak in alien language, but I'm unable to find those translations.'

Humanoid robots need to be indistinguishable from people, otherwise people freak out. Believe me, Bicentennial Man (1999) haunts me till this very day. Every time I walk into a crowded movie theater, I think, please, please don't let this be as bad as Bicentennial Man.
Few films get this existential without looking ridiculous, especially with science fiction. This is not a movie made for retards or overgrown man-children. I heard a co-worker complain about this film. In disbelief, I blurted out, 'really, what the hell movie were you watching?'. I'm fairly certain that we'll be on speaking terms some day.

There are other movies similar to this one. Namely, the underrated masterpiece: The Thing (1982). Kurt Russell plays in Antarctic 'research scientist'. I especially like the scene where he dumps bourbon on the computer after losing a chess game. But I digress.

There is one thing I found distracting; Dr. Shaw was always pronounced as 'Dr. Scholl'. I thought it was done on purpose, perhaps an obscure reference that I had no knowledge of (which is highly unlikely).

Miraculously, science-fiction clichés are avoided in Prometheus. For example, the black guy didn't die first. The CGI and 3D imagery wasn't obnoxious. And most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is nowhere to be seen. Job Well-Dunn.

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Sidenote: You should show up late to this movie. With previews, and the cartoon short, the actual film didn't get started until 25 minutes after the scheduled start time.

MIB III

MEN IN BLACK III
PG-13
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham
Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can so I can See the light that's right before my eyes
-Corey Hart

Cast

Will Smith Agent J (Jay)
Tommy Lee Jones Agent K (Kay)
Josh Brolin Young Agent K (Kay)

Sci-Fi comedies are either great, or their awful: there is no in between. On one side, we have BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and on the other, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN.

The first MEN IN BLACK, deputed in the summer of 1997. About as good as summer blockbusters get. It had subtle, offbeat humor. Vincent D'Onofrio made the entire movie with that incredibly funny character, Edgar.

As for the sequel, MEN IN BLACK II was never actually made, due to the time traveling in MEN IN BLACK III. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

In this latest installment, Agent J arrives in 1969 to prevent something from happening to Agent K.

Tommy Lee Jones made this film franchise believable. You take one look at him, and instinctively, you know he can keep a secret. Yet, he isn't present for most of the movie.

With TRUE GRIT, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, inevitably, Josh Brolin will fall of the pedestal I placed him on. But that day, has yet to arrive. In this movie, he completely captures the essence of Tommy Lee Jones/Agent K. With the appearance of a young Richard Nixon. Brolin portrays an authentic, younger version of Special Agent K.

MEN IN BLACK is one of the best theme songs Will Smith has ever created, it's right up there with WILD WILD WEST, and THE FRESH PRINCE BEL-AIR: kudos.

With his universal likability, some have hailed him the 'Tom Hanks of the 90s'. And even though he hasn't made many of, what people might call 'good movies': Will Smith is not disappearing any time soon. Besides, who else is going to play Barack Obama in a future movie, say, 10-15 years from now?

Watching Miss Universe competitions, it's easy to forget how small we actually are. MEN IN BLACK III is an intergalactic comedy that will bring you right back down to earth...(get it?).

Definitely a family film, and by that, I don't mean plain or inoffensive, like HITCH. Your entire family might actually enjoy this movie. Which is great, because after all, 'sometimes parents just don't understand'.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Sidenote: Speaking of alien life forms. There is rumor of a possible ALF movie.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

-Paul Fusco, ALF creator