The Watch

THE WATCH

111 Minutes

R

Director: Akiva Schaffer

Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade

Cast

Ben Stiller as Evan

Vince Vaughn as Bob

Jonah Hill as Franklin

Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus

Rosemarie DeWitt as Evan's wife

Will Forte as Sergeant Bressman

'...Cause for real, a mind is a terrible thing to waste' - DEAD PREZ 

The Plot

Three kids, Evan, Bob, and Franklin stumble upon a rare Casio wrist watch. They accidentally discover that they can manipulate time with this device. Which only leads to a series of immature pranks. Like traveling to 1973, so they could pull down the pants of Henry Kissinger, as he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.

No, this isn't really what the movie is about. But I kind of wish it was. Everyone involved with THE WATCH is capable of making a better movie. I wouldn't call it half-baked, but rather a full baked idea. THE WATCH is an incomplete movie that started out with a good enough idea, but clearly someone got bored in the middle (or closer to the beginning) of making this.

ILLEGAL ALIENS WORKING AT COSTCO

Ben Stiller plays a Costco manager, who has a rather boring and predictable life in the suburbs. Upon arriving at work one morning, the police tell him that the night security guard is disemboweled, but not by aliens.

This is not the Ben you love from TROPIC THUNDER, he's the full-on, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM/MEET THE PARENTS-Ben Stiller.

The police department doesn't know what they're doing. So Evan vows to avenge the murder of his kinda-work-friend. At this point, he knows nothing of aliens, or their planned invasion. So Evan, Bob, Franklin, and Jamarcus form the neighborhood watch. This is where the supposed fun begins...

'He Walks Amongst Us, But He Is Not One Of Us.'

One of the neighborhood watchmen is an alien. He's the actor you never heard of. 

Vince Vaughn's character is just that dumb white guy in any commercial. You know the guy: when his wife is on vacation, he blows up the kitchen, trying to cook breakfast for the kids. Uh-oh, someone should have picked up McGriddles at the drive through.

That's A Wrap

You should buy this movie. That's right, I said that. Go to Costco, and buy several copies of THE WATCH. Then you take the movie cases from that box set of GAME OF THRONES, that you own. Make fake labels for the DVDs themselves, so everything looks completely legitimate. Then, give it as a present on April Fools' Day, with a post-it that says, 'because I love you'.  Two months later, when said person actually wants to watch GAME OF THRONES, they'll notice that all the discs are copies of this crappy movie. From there, I'd imagine you might become the victim of domestic violence. 

Final Verdict: 45  out of 100

The Dark Knight Rises

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

PG-13

164 Minutes

Director: Christopher Nolan

Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer, Bob Kanes

Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman

Jingle bells Batman smells,
Robin layed an egg,
Batmobile lost it’s wheel,
and the Joker took ballet.
-BATMAN SMELLS, ROBERT GOULET
(Yeah, there are other variations involving the Joker getting away. It defies logic, does the Joker ever get away from Batman? I say no.)

Cast
Christian Bale―Bruce Wayne
Gary Oldman―Commissioner Gor.
Tom Hardy―Bane
Joseph Gordon-Levitt―Blake
Anne Hathaway―Selina
Adam West―Batman
Marion Cotillard―Miranda
Morgan Freeman―Fox
Michael Caine―Alfred
Matthew Modine―Foley

Batman is finally done right, I don’t know why it took so long to release BATMAN FOREVER (1995). I just watched THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. Let me say, Christian Bale is no Val Kilmer.

There comes a bittersweet moment at the end of every trilogy’s life, There’s closure, but you and the story must part ways. I remember back in 1990, the day I saw BACK TO THE FUTURE III was the saddest moment of my entire life.

Batman is different than other superheroes, he’s a regular guy, a man of the people. Bruce Wayne is not extraordinary, he’s just a humble, genius billionaire; who literally, crushes his enemies by dumping truck loads of cash on them. Some die from suffocation, others die from the sheer weight of currency destroying their bones and vital organs.

I like this ‘Bane’ character: part ‘Darth Vader’, part ‘Shredder’ from the NINJA TURTLES (which makes sense, with all that time in the sewer). Bane is the best villain in the trilogy. The one who comes closest in defeating Batman. I know I’ve made fun of most of the movies Tom Hardy has been in, but he’s a bit of alright in this picture.

If I ever saw Keanu Reeves at a party, I’d go up to him and say, ‘why can’t you be Christian Bale?’ Bale is so well-suited for the role of Batman and/or Bruce Wayne. Is there anything that guy can’t do?…except a bad movie…whose title isn’t TERMINATOR SALVATION.

David Letterman ruined the ending in his interview with Catherine Hathaway. Jokingly stating ‘…in the end, Batman is dead’. It’s a matter of semantics, but in no uncertain terms, Batman does die in this movie. Or does he?

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Madea's Witness Protection

MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION

PG-13

114 Minutes

Director: Tyler Perry

Writer:Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry, Eugene Levy, Denise Richards

Part 1 of 24: Complainin' About Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry.........Madea / Joe / Brian

Eugene Levy..... George Needleman

Denise Richards.Kate Needleman

Doris Roberts.....Barbara (George's Mother)

Romeo..............Jake

Tom Arnold.......Walter

John Amos.......Pastor Nelson

Watching a Tyler Perry film is like getting anally raped by two people at the same time. You don't need to experience it first hand to know how truly awful it would be. I've gone this long without seeing one of his 'films'.But the time has finally come for me to to evaluate objectively one of his brilliant muses: MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION.

But I think the question on everyone's mind is: did Tyler Perry write, star, and direct this movie, or are there multiple people named Tyler Perry?

George Needleman (Levy) is taking the fall for a Ponzi scheme. He's facing serious jail time, so a competent lawyer is defending him. To protect their safety, George's wife, Kate (Richards), 2 children, and mother, stay with the attorney's (Perry) mother, Madea (Perry).

For those of you unfamiliar, Madea is a composite character of 'Myrtle Urkel', and Larry Johnson's 'Grandmama'.This may remind you of Martin Lawrence in BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE. But 'Big Momma' was crossdressing for the FBI. He wasn't playing a woman, he was imitating one to achieve a specific end. Whereas, Tyler Perry just likes dressing in women's clothing. But let's not get lost in semantics.

After seeing a clip of GHOST (1990) on TV. George comes up with a plan to make everything right. To gain access to accounts, Madea pretends she is someone named, 'Precious Jackson'. ...you've all seen GHOST. I don't need to go into further detail.

My favorite part: Madea tells the daughter her entire family is dead, to teach her a lesson about respecting one's elders.

After watching this movie, will you develop PTSD; which symptoms include (but not limited to) flashbacks, night terrors, and hallucinations of a 'mad black woman'? I am not sure.

This is the type of thing they would show to terrorists in Guantanamo Bay, if it didn't violate the Geneva Convention. I can't give negative points, so I'll have to give it a zero...yes, absolute zero.

I recommend seeing this with 3D glasses. If you pay attention closely, you can actually feel Tyler Perry taking a dump on your face.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

Sidenote: You'll see Charlie Sheen in the credits. Apparently, Denise Richards used to go out with him.

An incomplete article

An incomplete article blog enrty was unintentionally published today. It will be completed shortly.
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Ted

TED
R         
106 Minutes
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Writers:Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild    
Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane     

Cast
Mark Wahlberg John Bennett
Mila Kunis Lori Collins
Seth MacFarlane Ted (voice)
Joel McHale Giovanni Ribisi         
Patrick Stewart Narrator
Sam J. Jones  Himself

Ever since I saw Mark Wahlberg in that music video, I knew he could be funny in other things. Then there was PLANET OF THE APES. At this point, I had lost all faith in the man; perhaps he couldn't do any good without the help of 'The Funky Bunch'. But I was wrong, because as it turns out, every other movie he starred in was better than PLANET OF THE APES.

MY BUDDY AND ME

Talking bears were big in the 80s: Care Bears, Snuggle, Teddy Ruxpin, and 'Smokey the Bear'; telling kids how lighting cigarettes will really calm your nerves.

John Bennett never had any friends as a kid, so he wished for his stuffed bear to come to life. And he did, almost like 'Frosty the Snowman', except Ted doesn't melt after a couple of weeks.  Ted came to life 27 years ago, and presently, he is still very much alive.  He's like the Care Bear that got dumped off in a wheel barrow at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Now, John is a 35 year-old guy who won't  grow up. His days consist of smoking pot, drinking beer, and watching bad TV. And to make matters worse, he's a physics professor at MIT...I mean, he works at a car rental place.  

While it had more genuinely funny moments than most movies; it's not without its  flaws.

1. The premise of this movie is absolutely ludicrous; a talking bear: I mean c'mon.
2. There's a predictable relationship dynamic between Mark Wahlberg and his girlfriend.
3. Ted has a job at a grocery store, after acting like a complete asshole, he gets several promotions. It's a little too OFFICE SPACE for me.

There still no real ALF movie. That TV movie―PROJECT ALF (1996) doesn't count. With the success of this film, we might get the ball rolling on that rumored ALF movie. But I don't want to jinks anything.

I was at a packed movie theater, and when the credits rolled, I witnessed applause, and a standing ovation. I thought the movie was adorable and funny: a solid, B-grade comedy.  That's just my opinion, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps you should rely on the opinions of people who would give a standing ovation after watching a movie.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Moonrise Kingdom

MOONRISE KINGDOM
PG-13
94 Minutes
Director: Wes Anderson
Writers: Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola
Jared Gilman, Kara Hayward, Bruce Willis  

First day of search party for Sam Shakusky. Morale is extremely low, in part, I suppose, because Sam is, unfortunately, the least popular scout in the troop, by a significant margin. I’m worried, and I’m confused....
-Scout Master Ward's Log: September 2nd (1965)

Bruce Willis Captain Sharp
Edward Norton Scout Master Ward
Bill Murray Walt Bishop
Kara Hayward Suzy
Frances McDormand Laura Bishop
Jared Gilman Sam
Tilda Swinton  Social Services
Jason Schwartzman Cousin Ben
Harvey Keitel Commander Pierce
Bob Balaban Narrator
Snoopy Jack Russell Terrier                           
None of Wilson brothers?

'Didn't you get my letter of resignation? I quit the Khaki Scouts.'

This story sails off on a fictitious island, near the New England coastline, circa 1965.

Suzy and Sam, are a couple of crazy kids on a romantic adventure. Suzy is 12, and Sam is 32...I mean 12.

The film is about the search to find these two children. The search party is comprised of parents, a police officer, and the 'deputized' local Khacki Scout troop.

Bruce Willis plays a cop, this is where my skepticism creeps in. Really? This guy, an officer of the law, I just don't know.

Edward Norton portrays Scout Master Ward with the utmost seriousness, and sincerity. Master Ward tape records scout logs while chain-smoking, and consuming brandy.

This movie runs completely contrary to 'Murphy's law'. Hundreds of things that could have went wrong, didn't. Typically, scout leaders molest children, but that didn't happen here, at least not on camera.

There are many historical inaccuracies, having been alive in 1965, I can tell. Mostly small things, like car models that didn't exist yet. I believe he did this on purpose. Distracting the audience, to cover up the more egregious errors. Like cheap fabric dyes that didn't exist in 1965. Mr. Anderson: I'm on to you.

It's a tale told the way someone would remember a life event: inaccurately. The movie is a surreal fantasy, but I never once had to suspend disbelief. You find sinking into their reality; like wandering around in someone else's dream.

What I like most is the ending, because there isn't one. Endings only exist in the world of fiction.

MOONRISE KINGDOM is the perfect intertwining of comedy and drama. I recommend not downloading this off the internet for free. The best film you will see all year. That is, unless you watch a better movie from a different year. Like CITIZEN CANE, or something.

Final Verdict 95 out of 100

Future Blog Posts

I can't get italics to properly render on the web app. In the future, names of movies, books, and TV shows will be written in all CAPS. But I won't go back and revise old posts. I know all this goes against currently accepted MLA reference standards; I spent many a sleepless night, contemplating this very issue. My sincerest apologies.
Thanks,
E. Dunn