Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL
PG-13
118 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writers: Kurt Wimmer, Mark Bomback, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon
Jon Povill, Philip K. Dick
Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston

Cast
Colin Farrell ... Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale ... Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel ... Melina
Bryan Cranston ... Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine ... Harry
Bill Nighy ... Matthias

Joe: Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?...

Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from TOTAL RECALL. ...

Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?

Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?

 -FAMILY GUY--A FISH OUT OF WATER (2001)

I thought this was the day I was finally going to see a good Colin Farrell film. But no, one can dream though, one can dream.

TOTAL RECALL is about the parallel universe in which Al Gore became president in 2000. Just kidding, that idea is far too original to ever see the big screen.

What we have here is a remake. Just because something is redone, doesn't make it bad. I was just watching that last MADAGASCAR movie, it took them three times, and they finally got that right. I know, most impressive, indeed.

The original TOTAL RECALL (1990), was a cinematic masterpiece to behold : Ah-nold at his absolute finest. Alright, that was an exaggeration, not his best work, literally speaking. I'll just call it somewhere between TERMINATOR 2, and JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Redoing TOTAL RECALL, would be like redoing KINDERGARTEN COP. I can just see it now...Verne Troyer, with prosthetics, would play a convincing kindergartner. The plot: fake DARE officers are selling drugs to kids during recess. Detective John Kimble needs to investigate this before another kid ODs, face down—on the soccer field.

There is no reason to enjoy the latest version of TOTAL RECALL. Sure, there are some entertaining parts, but this film takes far too a somber tone: there's not one single joke, no one even cracks a smile. The CGI is flawless, but technically speaking, so is an autotuned song.

Even in bad movies, it's fun to see another's vision of the future. But can we just let go of the hovercraft thing. I don't think humans are capable of operating a car in three dimensions. Bruce Willis did it in 5TH ELEMENT, but he's the exception, he's always the exception.

If I live long enough, perhaps someone could implant a memory of me enjoying this movie. Because implanting a memory of me not watching it, might mean I accidently stumble upon this movie one day...the destructive pattern would only repeat itself. I don't have to go any further, you've all seen ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004). 

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Step Up Revolution

STEP UP REVOLUTION

PG-13

99 Minutes

Director: Scott Speer

Writers: Duane Adler, Amanda Brody

Cleopatra Coleman, Sharni Vinson, Rick Malambri

Excuse me, I ain't walkin on egg shells just cause you brought the Brady Bunch to the negro club.  -SAVE THE LAST DANCE (2001)

Cast

Cleopatra Coleman ... Penelope

Misha Gabriel Hamilton ... Eddy (as Misha Gabriel)

Ryan Guzman ... Sean

Michael 'Xeno' Langebeck ... Mercury

Stephen Boss ... Jason (as Stephen 'tWitch' Boss)

Peter Gallagher ... Mr. Anderson (Penelope's Dad) 

They have a saying in Miami: if you can't stand the Heat, you should leave American Airlines Arena; because you might become dissatisfied with your overall game watching experience.

STEP UP REVOLUTION takes the once highly respected 'dance competition' genre, and turns it into an utter joke. I don't understand how the movie unfolded, but I'll try to explain it to you.

This dance crew is a combination of flash-mobbery, youtube, stylistic dance moves, and poltical protest. Political dance protesting? If only they thought of that at Kent State. 

There's a new additon to the televised 'revolution', Emily. It takes a while for the crew to warm up to Emily. But she's screwing the main character, so it's all good. Emily always has the same dumb look on her face. It's that look of bewilderment or confusion; like Elizabeth Berkley in SHOWGIRLS (1997).

Mr. Anderson, Emily's father: Chairman of Anderson Global Properties: a big, bad corporation, that wants to destroy the lives of young, non-exotic dancers.  He's played by the dad from THE OC... I mean I think it's him. I was never really into that show.

Emily is his spoiled, classically trained daughter. For fans of SAVE THE LAST DANCE, she's like Julia Stiles character, Sara.  If you haven't seen SAVE THE LAST DANCE, you must do so. And only then, can you continue reading the rest of this article.

Emily, and the rest of  her multi-cultural gang, have sabotaged his development plan. Soon as he finds out about his daughter's shenanigans, O.C.-Dad becomes super pissed. How's he supposed to buy that aircraft carrier now? If he ever wants to sail his yacht immediately after landing his G6, he'll be shit-outta-luck.

If I had to judge the movie on dance moves alone. STEP UP would get a perfect score. And as far as I'm concerned, these actors qualified to appear in any Usher video they'd like. But I'm merely a movie critic, so I'll leave this judgement to those with more capable hands, nay, feet.

Final Verdict: 25 out of 100

The Watch

THE WATCH

111 Minutes

R

Director: Akiva Schaffer

Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade

Cast

Ben Stiller as Evan

Vince Vaughn as Bob

Jonah Hill as Franklin

Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus

Rosemarie DeWitt as Evan's wife

Will Forte as Sergeant Bressman

'...Cause for real, a mind is a terrible thing to waste' - DEAD PREZ 

The Plot

Three kids, Evan, Bob, and Franklin stumble upon a rare Casio wrist watch. They accidentally discover that they can manipulate time with this device. Which only leads to a series of immature pranks. Like traveling to 1973, so they could pull down the pants of Henry Kissinger, as he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.

No, this isn't really what the movie is about. But I kind of wish it was. Everyone involved with THE WATCH is capable of making a better movie. I wouldn't call it half-baked, but rather a full baked idea. THE WATCH is an incomplete movie that started out with a good enough idea, but clearly someone got bored in the middle (or closer to the beginning) of making this.

ILLEGAL ALIENS WORKING AT COSTCO

Ben Stiller plays a Costco manager, who has a rather boring and predictable life in the suburbs. Upon arriving at work one morning, the police tell him that the night security guard is disemboweled, but not by aliens.

This is not the Ben you love from TROPIC THUNDER, he's the full-on, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM/MEET THE PARENTS-Ben Stiller.

The police department doesn't know what they're doing. So Evan vows to avenge the murder of his kinda-work-friend. At this point, he knows nothing of aliens, or their planned invasion. So Evan, Bob, Franklin, and Jamarcus form the neighborhood watch. This is where the supposed fun begins...

'He Walks Amongst Us, But He Is Not One Of Us.'

One of the neighborhood watchmen is an alien. He's the actor you never heard of. 

Vince Vaughn's character is just that dumb white guy in any commercial. You know the guy: when his wife is on vacation, he blows up the kitchen, trying to cook breakfast for the kids. Uh-oh, someone should have picked up McGriddles at the drive through.

That's A Wrap

You should buy this movie. That's right, I said that. Go to Costco, and buy several copies of THE WATCH. Then you take the movie cases from that box set of GAME OF THRONES, that you own. Make fake labels for the DVDs themselves, so everything looks completely legitimate. Then, give it as a present on April Fools' Day, with a post-it that says, 'because I love you'.  Two months later, when said person actually wants to watch GAME OF THRONES, they'll notice that all the discs are copies of this crappy movie. From there, I'd imagine you might become the victim of domestic violence. 

Final Verdict: 45  out of 100

The Dark Knight Rises

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

PG-13

164 Minutes

Director: Christopher Nolan

Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer, Bob Kanes

Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman

Jingle bells Batman smells,
Robin layed an egg,
Batmobile lost it’s wheel,
and the Joker took ballet.
-BATMAN SMELLS, ROBERT GOULET
(Yeah, there are other variations involving the Joker getting away. It defies logic, does the Joker ever get away from Batman? I say no.)

Cast
Christian Bale―Bruce Wayne
Gary Oldman―Commissioner Gor.
Tom Hardy―Bane
Joseph Gordon-Levitt―Blake
Anne Hathaway―Selina
Adam West―Batman
Marion Cotillard―Miranda
Morgan Freeman―Fox
Michael Caine―Alfred
Matthew Modine―Foley

Batman is finally done right, I don’t know why it took so long to release BATMAN FOREVER (1995). I just watched THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. Let me say, Christian Bale is no Val Kilmer.

There comes a bittersweet moment at the end of every trilogy’s life, There’s closure, but you and the story must part ways. I remember back in 1990, the day I saw BACK TO THE FUTURE III was the saddest moment of my entire life.

Batman is different than other superheroes, he’s a regular guy, a man of the people. Bruce Wayne is not extraordinary, he’s just a humble, genius billionaire; who literally, crushes his enemies by dumping truck loads of cash on them. Some die from suffocation, others die from the sheer weight of currency destroying their bones and vital organs.

I like this ‘Bane’ character: part ‘Darth Vader’, part ‘Shredder’ from the NINJA TURTLES (which makes sense, with all that time in the sewer). Bane is the best villain in the trilogy. The one who comes closest in defeating Batman. I know I’ve made fun of most of the movies Tom Hardy has been in, but he’s a bit of alright in this picture.

If I ever saw Keanu Reeves at a party, I’d go up to him and say, ‘why can’t you be Christian Bale?’ Bale is so well-suited for the role of Batman and/or Bruce Wayne. Is there anything that guy can’t do?…except a bad movie…whose title isn’t TERMINATOR SALVATION.

David Letterman ruined the ending in his interview with Catherine Hathaway. Jokingly stating ‘…in the end, Batman is dead’. It’s a matter of semantics, but in no uncertain terms, Batman does die in this movie. Or does he?

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Madea's Witness Protection

MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION

PG-13

114 Minutes

Director: Tyler Perry

Writer:Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry, Eugene Levy, Denise Richards

Part 1 of 24: Complainin' About Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry.........Madea / Joe / Brian

Eugene Levy..... George Needleman

Denise Richards.Kate Needleman

Doris Roberts.....Barbara (George's Mother)

Romeo..............Jake

Tom Arnold.......Walter

John Amos.......Pastor Nelson

Watching a Tyler Perry film is like getting anally raped by two people at the same time. You don't need to experience it first hand to know how truly awful it would be. I've gone this long without seeing one of his 'films'.But the time has finally come for me to to evaluate objectively one of his brilliant muses: MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION.

But I think the question on everyone's mind is: did Tyler Perry write, star, and direct this movie, or are there multiple people named Tyler Perry?

George Needleman (Levy) is taking the fall for a Ponzi scheme. He's facing serious jail time, so a competent lawyer is defending him. To protect their safety, George's wife, Kate (Richards), 2 children, and mother, stay with the attorney's (Perry) mother, Madea (Perry).

For those of you unfamiliar, Madea is a composite character of 'Myrtle Urkel', and Larry Johnson's 'Grandmama'.This may remind you of Martin Lawrence in BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE. But 'Big Momma' was crossdressing for the FBI. He wasn't playing a woman, he was imitating one to achieve a specific end. Whereas, Tyler Perry just likes dressing in women's clothing. But let's not get lost in semantics.

After seeing a clip of GHOST (1990) on TV. George comes up with a plan to make everything right. To gain access to accounts, Madea pretends she is someone named, 'Precious Jackson'. ...you've all seen GHOST. I don't need to go into further detail.

My favorite part: Madea tells the daughter her entire family is dead, to teach her a lesson about respecting one's elders.

After watching this movie, will you develop PTSD; which symptoms include (but not limited to) flashbacks, night terrors, and hallucinations of a 'mad black woman'? I am not sure.

This is the type of thing they would show to terrorists in Guantanamo Bay, if it didn't violate the Geneva Convention. I can't give negative points, so I'll have to give it a zero...yes, absolute zero.

I recommend seeing this with 3D glasses. If you pay attention closely, you can actually feel Tyler Perry taking a dump on your face.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

Sidenote: You'll see Charlie Sheen in the credits. Apparently, Denise Richards used to go out with him.

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Ted

TED
R         
106 Minutes
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Writers:Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild    
Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane     

Cast
Mark Wahlberg John Bennett
Mila Kunis Lori Collins
Seth MacFarlane Ted (voice)
Joel McHale Giovanni Ribisi         
Patrick Stewart Narrator
Sam J. Jones  Himself

Ever since I saw Mark Wahlberg in that music video, I knew he could be funny in other things. Then there was PLANET OF THE APES. At this point, I had lost all faith in the man; perhaps he couldn't do any good without the help of 'The Funky Bunch'. But I was wrong, because as it turns out, every other movie he starred in was better than PLANET OF THE APES.

MY BUDDY AND ME

Talking bears were big in the 80s: Care Bears, Snuggle, Teddy Ruxpin, and 'Smokey the Bear'; telling kids how lighting cigarettes will really calm your nerves.

John Bennett never had any friends as a kid, so he wished for his stuffed bear to come to life. And he did, almost like 'Frosty the Snowman', except Ted doesn't melt after a couple of weeks.  Ted came to life 27 years ago, and presently, he is still very much alive.  He's like the Care Bear that got dumped off in a wheel barrow at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Now, John is a 35 year-old guy who won't  grow up. His days consist of smoking pot, drinking beer, and watching bad TV. And to make matters worse, he's a physics professor at MIT...I mean, he works at a car rental place.  

While it had more genuinely funny moments than most movies; it's not without its  flaws.

1. The premise of this movie is absolutely ludicrous; a talking bear: I mean c'mon.
2. There's a predictable relationship dynamic between Mark Wahlberg and his girlfriend.
3. Ted has a job at a grocery store, after acting like a complete asshole, he gets several promotions. It's a little too OFFICE SPACE for me.

There still no real ALF movie. That TV movie―PROJECT ALF (1996) doesn't count. With the success of this film, we might get the ball rolling on that rumored ALF movie. But I don't want to jinks anything.

I was at a packed movie theater, and when the credits rolled, I witnessed applause, and a standing ovation. I thought the movie was adorable and funny: a solid, B-grade comedy.  That's just my opinion, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps you should rely on the opinions of people who would give a standing ovation after watching a movie.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100