The Expendables 2

THE EXPENDABLES 2
R
103 minutes
Director: Simon West
Writers: David Agosto, Ken Kaufman, Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Liam Hemsworth, Randy Couture

Cast
Sylvester Stallone-Barney Ross
Jean-Claude Van Damme-Vilain
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Trench
Dolph Lundgren Gunnar-Jensen
Jason Statham-Lee Christmas
Terry Crews-Hale Caesar
Randy Couture-Toll Road
 
'We're not too old for this shit.'
-Roger Murtaugh, LETHAL WEAPON 4 (1998) 

 
In a struggling economy, 'has-been' action stars have struggled to find any real acting gigs. Since they can't create another 'Planet Hollywood', they become mercenaries. They know how to beat up criminals on film, and now they must use these skills off camera to commit felonies for murderous thugs. You think they're the 'bad guys', oh, but no; it is soon revealed that secretly, they were all in cahoots with the FBI...the entire time. Think DONNIE BRASCO (1997), but on a much grander scale.

That's all made up, expect for the 'Planet Hollywood' part.  I don't have to explain to what it's about, it's irrelevant.

Because I had low expectations, I was thoroughly impressed with the first EXPENDABLES. Sequels are usually bigger, louder, and more lame.

But the great king 'Cobra', Sly Stallone, is no lame-wad.   He brings us yet another intriguing saga: a second, 'Expendables' mission.

These mercenary characters all have a tragic fate. Similar to that of Mickey Rourke's character in THE WRESTLER. He couldn't handle working in a deli. Because the only thing he knew, and loved, was professional wrestling.

I wish Chuck Bronson was still alive, only he could have improved this film. He'd walk in while Jean-Claude Van Damm was playing craps at a casino, and then shoot him in the head a couple of times. He would say,'no dice', before calmly, walking away.

What sets apart this EXPENDABLES from the first one, is having an Asian lady in the mercenary crew. I didn't notice any sexism, but Stallone kept on referring to her as 'Connie Chung' , and 'Kung Pao Chicken'.

A third 'EXPENDABLES' will get made, but let's leave it at that. Otherwise, it just becomes plain sad, most of these actors will become senor citizens very soon. This product does have an expiration date.  It's just like Sharon Stone doing BASIC INSTINCT II (2006), after becoming old and unattractive. 

 
This film will give you everything you would expect, but that's it. We've seen way too much Chuck Norris, in the past 20 years, so I'm glad he only had a small part in this. So let us engrave the Oscars ahead of time, and just cancel the awards themselves; these guys will win absolutely everything.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

The Bourne Legacy (Mini-Review)

THE BOURNE LEGACY

PG-13

135 Minutes

Director: Tony Gilroy

Writers: Tony Gilroy, Dan Gilroy, Robert Ludlum  

Stars: Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton

 

CAST 

Jeremy Renner ... Aaron Cross

Rachel Weisz ... Dr. Marta Shearing

Stacy Keach ... Retired Adm. Mark Turso, USN

Edward Norton ... Retired Col. Eric Byer, USAF

Déjà Vu 

There's a reason another JURASSIC PARK. hasn't been made...yet: no one wants to see the same movie four times in a row.

The 'BOURNE' series is still profitable. Speaking hypodermicly, six more 'BOURNE' novels could be made into movies. 

But the source material isn't the issue. Matt Damon isn't in this one; that's the main problem. I got an idea: how about we make another CITY SLICKERS movie, but Billy Crystal can't have a part in it, otherwise it might become successful.

THE BOURNE LEGACY: Starring Tom Hardy 's Body Double, Jeremy Renner

All the incomprehensible plot points never fully integrates into one coherent story. From what I could tell, the movie involves a scientific researcher going on a murderous rampage. From there, the rest of BOURNE LEGACY is about the protagonist searching for blue pills.

This movie was never boring, but it was never mindful either.  There's nothing wrong with a mindless action flick, especially in the summer months. But the 'BOURNE' series was created for thinking people. Much akin to the more recent James Bond movies. 

Walking out of THE BOURNE LEGACY left me with many unanswered questions like; how is Stacy Keach still alive? Or, should other people watch this?

Final Verdict: 74 out of 100

Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL
PG-13
118 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writers: Kurt Wimmer, Mark Bomback, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon
Jon Povill, Philip K. Dick
Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston

Cast
Colin Farrell ... Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale ... Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel ... Melina
Bryan Cranston ... Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine ... Harry
Bill Nighy ... Matthias

Joe: Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?...

Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from TOTAL RECALL. ...

Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?

Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?

 -FAMILY GUY--A FISH OUT OF WATER (2001)

I thought this was the day I was finally going to see a good Colin Farrell film. But no, one can dream though, one can dream.

TOTAL RECALL is about the parallel universe in which Al Gore became president in 2000. Just kidding, that idea is far too original to ever see the big screen.

What we have here is a remake. Just because something is redone, doesn't make it bad. I was just watching that last MADAGASCAR movie, it took them three times, and they finally got that right. I know, most impressive, indeed.

The original TOTAL RECALL (1990), was a cinematic masterpiece to behold : Ah-nold at his absolute finest. Alright, that was an exaggeration, not his best work, literally speaking. I'll just call it somewhere between TERMINATOR 2, and JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Redoing TOTAL RECALL, would be like redoing KINDERGARTEN COP. I can just see it now...Verne Troyer, with prosthetics, would play a convincing kindergartner. The plot: fake DARE officers are selling drugs to kids during recess. Detective John Kimble needs to investigate this before another kid ODs, face down—on the soccer field.

There is no reason to enjoy the latest version of TOTAL RECALL. Sure, there are some entertaining parts, but this film takes far too a somber tone: there's not one single joke, no one even cracks a smile. The CGI is flawless, but technically speaking, so is an autotuned song.

Even in bad movies, it's fun to see another's vision of the future. But can we just let go of the hovercraft thing. I don't think humans are capable of operating a car in three dimensions. Bruce Willis did it in 5TH ELEMENT, but he's the exception, he's always the exception.

If I live long enough, perhaps someone could implant a memory of me enjoying this movie. Because implanting a memory of me not watching it, might mean I accidently stumble upon this movie one day...the destructive pattern would only repeat itself. I don't have to go any further, you've all seen ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004). 

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Step Up Revolution

STEP UP REVOLUTION

PG-13

99 Minutes

Director: Scott Speer

Writers: Duane Adler, Amanda Brody

Cleopatra Coleman, Sharni Vinson, Rick Malambri

Excuse me, I ain't walkin on egg shells just cause you brought the Brady Bunch to the negro club.  -SAVE THE LAST DANCE (2001)

Cast

Cleopatra Coleman ... Penelope

Misha Gabriel Hamilton ... Eddy (as Misha Gabriel)

Ryan Guzman ... Sean

Michael 'Xeno' Langebeck ... Mercury

Stephen Boss ... Jason (as Stephen 'tWitch' Boss)

Peter Gallagher ... Mr. Anderson (Penelope's Dad) 

They have a saying in Miami: if you can't stand the Heat, you should leave American Airlines Arena; because you might become dissatisfied with your overall game watching experience.

STEP UP REVOLUTION takes the once highly respected 'dance competition' genre, and turns it into an utter joke. I don't understand how the movie unfolded, but I'll try to explain it to you.

This dance crew is a combination of flash-mobbery, youtube, stylistic dance moves, and poltical protest. Political dance protesting? If only they thought of that at Kent State. 

There's a new additon to the televised 'revolution', Emily. It takes a while for the crew to warm up to Emily. But she's screwing the main character, so it's all good. Emily always has the same dumb look on her face. It's that look of bewilderment or confusion; like Elizabeth Berkley in SHOWGIRLS (1997).

Mr. Anderson, Emily's father: Chairman of Anderson Global Properties: a big, bad corporation, that wants to destroy the lives of young, non-exotic dancers.  He's played by the dad from THE OC... I mean I think it's him. I was never really into that show.

Emily is his spoiled, classically trained daughter. For fans of SAVE THE LAST DANCE, she's like Julia Stiles character, Sara.  If you haven't seen SAVE THE LAST DANCE, you must do so. And only then, can you continue reading the rest of this article.

Emily, and the rest of  her multi-cultural gang, have sabotaged his development plan. Soon as he finds out about his daughter's shenanigans, O.C.-Dad becomes super pissed. How's he supposed to buy that aircraft carrier now? If he ever wants to sail his yacht immediately after landing his G6, he'll be shit-outta-luck.

If I had to judge the movie on dance moves alone. STEP UP would get a perfect score. And as far as I'm concerned, these actors qualified to appear in any Usher video they'd like. But I'm merely a movie critic, so I'll leave this judgement to those with more capable hands, nay, feet.

Final Verdict: 25 out of 100

The Watch

THE WATCH

111 Minutes

R

Director: Akiva Schaffer

Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade

Cast

Ben Stiller as Evan

Vince Vaughn as Bob

Jonah Hill as Franklin

Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus

Rosemarie DeWitt as Evan's wife

Will Forte as Sergeant Bressman

'...Cause for real, a mind is a terrible thing to waste' - DEAD PREZ 

The Plot

Three kids, Evan, Bob, and Franklin stumble upon a rare Casio wrist watch. They accidentally discover that they can manipulate time with this device. Which only leads to a series of immature pranks. Like traveling to 1973, so they could pull down the pants of Henry Kissinger, as he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.

No, this isn't really what the movie is about. But I kind of wish it was. Everyone involved with THE WATCH is capable of making a better movie. I wouldn't call it half-baked, but rather a full baked idea. THE WATCH is an incomplete movie that started out with a good enough idea, but clearly someone got bored in the middle (or closer to the beginning) of making this.

ILLEGAL ALIENS WORKING AT COSTCO

Ben Stiller plays a Costco manager, who has a rather boring and predictable life in the suburbs. Upon arriving at work one morning, the police tell him that the night security guard is disemboweled, but not by aliens.

This is not the Ben you love from TROPIC THUNDER, he's the full-on, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM/MEET THE PARENTS-Ben Stiller.

The police department doesn't know what they're doing. So Evan vows to avenge the murder of his kinda-work-friend. At this point, he knows nothing of aliens, or their planned invasion. So Evan, Bob, Franklin, and Jamarcus form the neighborhood watch. This is where the supposed fun begins...

'He Walks Amongst Us, But He Is Not One Of Us.'

One of the neighborhood watchmen is an alien. He's the actor you never heard of. 

Vince Vaughn's character is just that dumb white guy in any commercial. You know the guy: when his wife is on vacation, he blows up the kitchen, trying to cook breakfast for the kids. Uh-oh, someone should have picked up McGriddles at the drive through.

That's A Wrap

You should buy this movie. That's right, I said that. Go to Costco, and buy several copies of THE WATCH. Then you take the movie cases from that box set of GAME OF THRONES, that you own. Make fake labels for the DVDs themselves, so everything looks completely legitimate. Then, give it as a present on April Fools' Day, with a post-it that says, 'because I love you'.  Two months later, when said person actually wants to watch GAME OF THRONES, they'll notice that all the discs are copies of this crappy movie. From there, I'd imagine you might become the victim of domestic violence. 

Final Verdict: 45  out of 100

The Dark Knight Rises

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

PG-13

164 Minutes

Director: Christopher Nolan

Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer, Bob Kanes

Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman

Jingle bells Batman smells,
Robin layed an egg,
Batmobile lost it’s wheel,
and the Joker took ballet.
-BATMAN SMELLS, ROBERT GOULET
(Yeah, there are other variations involving the Joker getting away. It defies logic, does the Joker ever get away from Batman? I say no.)

Cast
Christian Bale―Bruce Wayne
Gary Oldman―Commissioner Gor.
Tom Hardy―Bane
Joseph Gordon-Levitt―Blake
Anne Hathaway―Selina
Adam West―Batman
Marion Cotillard―Miranda
Morgan Freeman―Fox
Michael Caine―Alfred
Matthew Modine―Foley

Batman is finally done right, I don’t know why it took so long to release BATMAN FOREVER (1995). I just watched THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. Let me say, Christian Bale is no Val Kilmer.

There comes a bittersweet moment at the end of every trilogy’s life, There’s closure, but you and the story must part ways. I remember back in 1990, the day I saw BACK TO THE FUTURE III was the saddest moment of my entire life.

Batman is different than other superheroes, he’s a regular guy, a man of the people. Bruce Wayne is not extraordinary, he’s just a humble, genius billionaire; who literally, crushes his enemies by dumping truck loads of cash on them. Some die from suffocation, others die from the sheer weight of currency destroying their bones and vital organs.

I like this ‘Bane’ character: part ‘Darth Vader’, part ‘Shredder’ from the NINJA TURTLES (which makes sense, with all that time in the sewer). Bane is the best villain in the trilogy. The one who comes closest in defeating Batman. I know I’ve made fun of most of the movies Tom Hardy has been in, but he’s a bit of alright in this picture.

If I ever saw Keanu Reeves at a party, I’d go up to him and say, ‘why can’t you be Christian Bale?’ Bale is so well-suited for the role of Batman and/or Bruce Wayne. Is there anything that guy can’t do?…except a bad movie…whose title isn’t TERMINATOR SALVATION.

David Letterman ruined the ending in his interview with Catherine Hathaway. Jokingly stating ‘…in the end, Batman is dead’. It’s a matter of semantics, but in no uncertain terms, Batman does die in this movie. Or does he?

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Madea's Witness Protection

MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION

PG-13

114 Minutes

Director: Tyler Perry

Writer:Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry, Eugene Levy, Denise Richards

Part 1 of 24: Complainin' About Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry.........Madea / Joe / Brian

Eugene Levy..... George Needleman

Denise Richards.Kate Needleman

Doris Roberts.....Barbara (George's Mother)

Romeo..............Jake

Tom Arnold.......Walter

John Amos.......Pastor Nelson

Watching a Tyler Perry film is like getting anally raped by two people at the same time. You don't need to experience it first hand to know how truly awful it would be. I've gone this long without seeing one of his 'films'.But the time has finally come for me to to evaluate objectively one of his brilliant muses: MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION.

But I think the question on everyone's mind is: did Tyler Perry write, star, and direct this movie, or are there multiple people named Tyler Perry?

George Needleman (Levy) is taking the fall for a Ponzi scheme. He's facing serious jail time, so a competent lawyer is defending him. To protect their safety, George's wife, Kate (Richards), 2 children, and mother, stay with the attorney's (Perry) mother, Madea (Perry).

For those of you unfamiliar, Madea is a composite character of 'Myrtle Urkel', and Larry Johnson's 'Grandmama'.This may remind you of Martin Lawrence in BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE. But 'Big Momma' was crossdressing for the FBI. He wasn't playing a woman, he was imitating one to achieve a specific end. Whereas, Tyler Perry just likes dressing in women's clothing. But let's not get lost in semantics.

After seeing a clip of GHOST (1990) on TV. George comes up with a plan to make everything right. To gain access to accounts, Madea pretends she is someone named, 'Precious Jackson'. ...you've all seen GHOST. I don't need to go into further detail.

My favorite part: Madea tells the daughter her entire family is dead, to teach her a lesson about respecting one's elders.

After watching this movie, will you develop PTSD; which symptoms include (but not limited to) flashbacks, night terrors, and hallucinations of a 'mad black woman'? I am not sure.

This is the type of thing they would show to terrorists in Guantanamo Bay, if it didn't violate the Geneva Convention. I can't give negative points, so I'll have to give it a zero...yes, absolute zero.

I recommend seeing this with 3D glasses. If you pay attention closely, you can actually feel Tyler Perry taking a dump on your face.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

Sidenote: You'll see Charlie Sheen in the credits. Apparently, Denise Richards used to go out with him.

An incomplete article

An incomplete article blog enrty was unintentionally published today. It will be completed shortly.
Sorry

Ted

TED
R         
106 Minutes
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Writers:Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild    
Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane     

Cast
Mark Wahlberg John Bennett
Mila Kunis Lori Collins
Seth MacFarlane Ted (voice)
Joel McHale Giovanni Ribisi         
Patrick Stewart Narrator
Sam J. Jones  Himself

Ever since I saw Mark Wahlberg in that music video, I knew he could be funny in other things. Then there was PLANET OF THE APES. At this point, I had lost all faith in the man; perhaps he couldn't do any good without the help of 'The Funky Bunch'. But I was wrong, because as it turns out, every other movie he starred in was better than PLANET OF THE APES.

MY BUDDY AND ME

Talking bears were big in the 80s: Care Bears, Snuggle, Teddy Ruxpin, and 'Smokey the Bear'; telling kids how lighting cigarettes will really calm your nerves.

John Bennett never had any friends as a kid, so he wished for his stuffed bear to come to life. And he did, almost like 'Frosty the Snowman', except Ted doesn't melt after a couple of weeks.  Ted came to life 27 years ago, and presently, he is still very much alive.  He's like the Care Bear that got dumped off in a wheel barrow at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Now, John is a 35 year-old guy who won't  grow up. His days consist of smoking pot, drinking beer, and watching bad TV. And to make matters worse, he's a physics professor at MIT...I mean, he works at a car rental place.  

While it had more genuinely funny moments than most movies; it's not without its  flaws.

1. The premise of this movie is absolutely ludicrous; a talking bear: I mean c'mon.
2. There's a predictable relationship dynamic between Mark Wahlberg and his girlfriend.
3. Ted has a job at a grocery store, after acting like a complete asshole, he gets several promotions. It's a little too OFFICE SPACE for me.

There still no real ALF movie. That TV movie―PROJECT ALF (1996) doesn't count. With the success of this film, we might get the ball rolling on that rumored ALF movie. But I don't want to jinks anything.

I was at a packed movie theater, and when the credits rolled, I witnessed applause, and a standing ovation. I thought the movie was adorable and funny: a solid, B-grade comedy.  That's just my opinion, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps you should rely on the opinions of people who would give a standing ovation after watching a movie.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Moonrise Kingdom

MOONRISE KINGDOM
PG-13
94 Minutes
Director: Wes Anderson
Writers: Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola
Jared Gilman, Kara Hayward, Bruce Willis  

First day of search party for Sam Shakusky. Morale is extremely low, in part, I suppose, because Sam is, unfortunately, the least popular scout in the troop, by a significant margin. I’m worried, and I’m confused....
-Scout Master Ward's Log: September 2nd (1965)

Bruce Willis Captain Sharp
Edward Norton Scout Master Ward
Bill Murray Walt Bishop
Kara Hayward Suzy
Frances McDormand Laura Bishop
Jared Gilman Sam
Tilda Swinton  Social Services
Jason Schwartzman Cousin Ben
Harvey Keitel Commander Pierce
Bob Balaban Narrator
Snoopy Jack Russell Terrier                           
None of Wilson brothers?

'Didn't you get my letter of resignation? I quit the Khaki Scouts.'

This story sails off on a fictitious island, near the New England coastline, circa 1965.

Suzy and Sam, are a couple of crazy kids on a romantic adventure. Suzy is 12, and Sam is 32...I mean 12.

The film is about the search to find these two children. The search party is comprised of parents, a police officer, and the 'deputized' local Khacki Scout troop.

Bruce Willis plays a cop, this is where my skepticism creeps in. Really? This guy, an officer of the law, I just don't know.

Edward Norton portrays Scout Master Ward with the utmost seriousness, and sincerity. Master Ward tape records scout logs while chain-smoking, and consuming brandy.

This movie runs completely contrary to 'Murphy's law'. Hundreds of things that could have went wrong, didn't. Typically, scout leaders molest children, but that didn't happen here, at least not on camera.

There are many historical inaccuracies, having been alive in 1965, I can tell. Mostly small things, like car models that didn't exist yet. I believe he did this on purpose. Distracting the audience, to cover up the more egregious errors. Like cheap fabric dyes that didn't exist in 1965. Mr. Anderson: I'm on to you.

It's a tale told the way someone would remember a life event: inaccurately. The movie is a surreal fantasy, but I never once had to suspend disbelief. You find sinking into their reality; like wandering around in someone else's dream.

What I like most is the ending, because there isn't one. Endings only exist in the world of fiction.

MOONRISE KINGDOM is the perfect intertwining of comedy and drama. I recommend not downloading this off the internet for free. The best film you will see all year. That is, unless you watch a better movie from a different year. Like CITIZEN CANE, or something.

Final Verdict 95 out of 100

Future Blog Posts

I can't get italics to properly render on the web app. In the future, names of movies, books, and TV shows will be written in all CAPS. But I won't go back and revise old posts. I know all this goes against currently accepted MLA reference standards; I spent many a sleepless night, contemplating this very issue. My sincerest apologies.
Thanks,
E. Dunn

Showdown (Retro)

SHOWDOWN (1993)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Robert Radler
Writer: Stuart Gibbs
Billy Blanks, Kenn Scott, Christine Taylor

Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
-Akon, SMACK THAT

Actors and the Characters They Portray

Billy Blanks as Billy Grant
Billy Grant starts out as a 'rookie cop'. Him and his partner, investigate a loud party. At the party, Billy accidentally kills someone, with his bare hands. The guy he killed was Lee's brother. Billy leaves the force, and becomes a school janitor.
QUOTE: 'They're hurting kids to make money, and that's wrong.'
Patrick Kilpatrick as Lee
Billy killed his brother at the beginning of the movie. This film takes place 7 years after said incident. During those 7 years, Lee develops an anger management problem; starts a Karate school, and vows to kill Billy.
QUOTE: 'Fail me, and you'll be lucky if I decide to let you live.'
Kenn Scott as Ken Marx
This new school he's attending is complete anarchy; like Dangerous Minds, without Coolio or Michelle Pfeiffer. But Ken is unphased, to say the least. He's got his sights set on Julie, but Lee is already going out with her. You know what that means? We have ourselves a movie.
QUOTE: 'Julie, I'm not going to lose this fight.'
Christine Taylor as Julie
Christine Taylor can be accurately described as, 'a poor man's Alicia Silverstone'. . Both, Ken and Tom are after Julie. They can't both date her at the same time...or can they? The answer is no.
QUOTE: 'All you ever want tell do is party or get in my pants.'
John Mallory Asher as Mike
Mike is Ken's sidekick. He's got a geeky, Anthony Michael Hall-vibe going on.
QUOTE: I wish I could put a quote here. He never said anything noteworthy.
Ken McLeod as Tom
Tom is one of Lee's karate students. He's a dumb jock, with a quick temper. Oh, I forgot, he is also the 'jealous type'.
QUOTE: 'You stay away from Julie, cuz if you don't; bad things will happen to you.'
Linda Dona as Kate
I'm still trying to figure out her place in all of this. She answers to Lee. I would call Kate a secretary/goon/lover(?). Lee told her to keep an eye on Tom; so she tries to get hired as a substitute, sex-ed teacher. I don't know how that's an official teaching position.
QUOTE: 'I'm a very powerful woman.'

Kickin' it―Old School

I can't convey the essence of this film, with mere words. This is something that you need to experience for yourself. SHOWDOWN is awful, but like Bigfoot, if you don't experience it first hand, then it's only a myth.

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. I present to you this montage, which gives you a complete understanding of the entire film:

Click on view entire article to see video.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

That's My Boy

THAT'S MY BOY
R
114 minutes
Director: Sean Anders
Writer: David Caspe
Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester

The second edition of: 'hey, that wasn’t as crappy as I thought it was gonna be.'

Cast
Adam Sandler-Donny
Andy Samberg-Todd
Leighton Meester-Jamie
Susan Sarandon-Mary McGarricle

The Plot
Adam laughs so hard at one of his own movies, that he dies. When he arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter gives him an ultimatum: before you pass, I'm going to need you to make one funny movie with Rob Schneider. Otherwise, you'll spend eternity watching Little Nicky. Okay, I made that up, but it sounds plausible, right?

Maybe all those PG-13 comedies has stifled his creativity. Now, we are finally able to see his raw comedic talent, unrestrained by the bounds of the MPAA.

Lovechild―Never Meant To Be.

Todd is the product of an inappropriate Teacher-Student relationship, his mother is still in jail. Todd's real name is Han Solo, because that's what a 13-year-old boy would name his kid. As an adult, Hans disowns his parents. He creates a fake life story that involves his parents being dead. Hans changed his name to Todd, and now he's an uptight hedge fund manager.

His father, Donny (Sandler) is burnout loser. When I saw him pop that can of Natural Ice, I knew had some 'Father of the Year' trophies lying around.

We've all seen this movie before. The deadbeat dad gets back in the picture, after his son becomes successful.

Todd is this boring, uptight guy and Donny looks like an ulta-charming guy, who does everything right. There's a sort of What About Bob-dynamic to the plot. By the end of that movie, Richard Dreyfuss looked crazier than his psychiatric patient (Murray). One might say, the doctor ran out of patience.

James Caan, Susan Sarandon, Todd Bridges, and Sean's Dad from Boy Meets World. Do think these celebrities would be in a bad comedy? Perhaps? Well alright, but they aren't that bad in this one. Oh, I almost forgot, Todd Bridges is in this, but he wasn't on screen long enough to bug me.

The Secret of the Ooze
With all the early nineties cultural references, I was practically spooging in my pants. Vanilla Ice, Adam Sandler, New Kids on the Block, even Ian Ziering gets into the mix, that's right, Steve Sanders himself.

This is unoriginal, mindless, and about as low brow as it gets. But a comedy can only be judged by how funny it is, none of them are flawless.

I wanted to hate this movie. I'm sure many people wrote reviews before actually seeing the film. Everything is completely ridiculous, but it works. They kind of ease you into the ridiculousness, the way you might ease into a hot tub. So pop the Champale, Adam Sandler was in a kind of okay movie.

'...now that's what I call a hole in one. '

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

LOL

LOL

PG-13 

97 min

Director: Lisa Azuelos

Writers: Lisa Azuelos, Kamir Aïnouz, Charles Dickens

Miley Cyrus, Douglas Booth, Ashley Greene, Demi Moore

You can change your status, but not your heart. (Tagline)

We call her the post it, because she sticks to every guy, and pretends that she loves them...whatever.

-Lola

'We're just friends but I just want you to know, if I were him I'd never let you go.' -Kyle

Cast

Ashley Greene ... Ashley

Miley Cyrus ... Lola

Demi Moore ... Anne

Adam G. Sevani ... Max

Jean-Luc Bilodeau ... Jeremy

Gina Gershon ... Kathy

George Finn ... Chad

There are many problems with this film. So the focus of this article will only include  grammatical blunders of high school students.

While ending sentences with prepositions, isn't against the rules; stylistically, it is unwise... I'm just kidding, here's the rest of your article.

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

LOL is based off a French film with the same name. The original director did an American remake of her own film from 2009. The movie is about the less-than-seamless transition into adulthood for Disney Channel Actors.

Lola and Anne have a mother-daughter relationship like the GILMORE GIRLS: in which the parent is more like a friend. Demi Moore plays her mom, recently divorced. She still hooks up with the dad on occasion. 

After breaking up with Chad on the first day of school; she finds a new boyfriend, Kyle. He's a deep, sensitive musician, and he has this 'battle of the bands' contest coming up.

Wash-Rinse-Repeat...Always Repeat.

Kyle and his band, 'No Shampoo' are playing at the 'battle of the bands' contest. But wait, Kyle's dad finds pot in his room and smashes his Sears guitar into little pieces. But rest assured, he sneaks out and makes it to the contest, and his band wins.

This movie portrays the high school experience accurately. Because there's constant communication, multitasking, and no school work ever gets done. And the students, they aren't played by 28 year-olds actors. 

Honestly, I'd expect more out of a 2009 Teen Choice Award winner. They don't hand those surfboards out to just anyone.

Movies, and TV shows, for that matter, usually have some sort of structure to them. Events happen, a protagonist overcomes an obstacle, and maybe there is a conclusion. I still don't understand what went on in the movie. LOL is disappointing, and it destroys my-achey-breaky-heart.

Final Verdict: Pot-1, Parents-0

I mean 25 out of 100

Prometheus

PROMETHEUS
R
124 Minutes
Writers: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Director: Ridley Scott
Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Meredith Vickers, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride
- MR. SPACEMAN, The Byrds (1966)

Cast
Noomi Rapace...Elizabeth Shaw
Michael Fassbender...David
Charlize Theron...Meredith Vickers
Idris Elba...Janek
Guy Pearce...Peter Weyland
Logan Marshall-Green...Charlie Holloway
Sean Harris...Fifield
Rafe Spall...Millburn
Emun Elliott...Chance
Benedict Wong...Ravel
Kate Dickie...Ford

What initially attracted me to this film was the title, Prometheus. How apt, the real Prometheus stole fire from the gods. As punishment, he was then chained to a rock, where a vulture would feast on his liver daily.

I feel funny critiquing Michael Fassbender. After all, he played a movie critic in Inglourious Basterds (2009). Here, he plays 'David', a robot closely resembling a human being. Not that a Half-Bred Vulcan could mate with an Android, why, that would be preposterous.

Quotes
'Want, not a concept I'm familiar with.'
'Doesn't everyone want their parents dead?'
'Sometimes to create, one must destroy.'
'It must feel like your God abandoned you.'
'Your father died of Ebola.'
'I watched your dreams.'
'I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical.'
'He did speak in alien language, but I'm unable to find those translations.'

Humanoid robots need to be indistinguishable from people, otherwise people freak out. Believe me, Bicentennial Man (1999) haunts me till this very day. Every time I walk into a crowded movie theater, I think, please, please don't let this be as bad as Bicentennial Man.
Few films get this existential without looking ridiculous, especially with science fiction. This is not a movie made for retards or overgrown man-children. I heard a co-worker complain about this film. In disbelief, I blurted out, 'really, what the hell movie were you watching?'. I'm fairly certain that we'll be on speaking terms some day.

There are other movies similar to this one. Namely, the underrated masterpiece: The Thing (1982). Kurt Russell plays in Antarctic 'research scientist'. I especially like the scene where he dumps bourbon on the computer after losing a chess game. But I digress.

There is one thing I found distracting; Dr. Shaw was always pronounced as 'Dr. Scholl'. I thought it was done on purpose, perhaps an obscure reference that I had no knowledge of (which is highly unlikely).

Miraculously, science-fiction clichés are avoided in Prometheus. For example, the black guy didn't die first. The CGI and 3D imagery wasn't obnoxious. And most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is nowhere to be seen. Job Well-Dunn.

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Sidenote: You should show up late to this movie. With previews, and the cartoon short, the actual film didn't get started until 25 minutes after the scheduled start time.

MIB III

MEN IN BLACK III
PG-13
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham
Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can so I can See the light that's right before my eyes
-Corey Hart

Cast

Will Smith Agent J (Jay)
Tommy Lee Jones Agent K (Kay)
Josh Brolin Young Agent K (Kay)

Sci-Fi comedies are either great, or their awful: there is no in between. On one side, we have BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and on the other, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN.

The first MEN IN BLACK, deputed in the summer of 1997. About as good as summer blockbusters get. It had subtle, offbeat humor. Vincent D'Onofrio made the entire movie with that incredibly funny character, Edgar.

As for the sequel, MEN IN BLACK II was never actually made, due to the time traveling in MEN IN BLACK III. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

In this latest installment, Agent J arrives in 1969 to prevent something from happening to Agent K.

Tommy Lee Jones made this film franchise believable. You take one look at him, and instinctively, you know he can keep a secret. Yet, he isn't present for most of the movie.

With TRUE GRIT, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, inevitably, Josh Brolin will fall of the pedestal I placed him on. But that day, has yet to arrive. In this movie, he completely captures the essence of Tommy Lee Jones/Agent K. With the appearance of a young Richard Nixon. Brolin portrays an authentic, younger version of Special Agent K.

MEN IN BLACK is one of the best theme songs Will Smith has ever created, it's right up there with WILD WILD WEST, and THE FRESH PRINCE BEL-AIR: kudos.

With his universal likability, some have hailed him the 'Tom Hanks of the 90s'. And even though he hasn't made many of, what people might call 'good movies': Will Smith is not disappearing any time soon. Besides, who else is going to play Barack Obama in a future movie, say, 10-15 years from now?

Watching Miss Universe competitions, it's easy to forget how small we actually are. MEN IN BLACK III is an intergalactic comedy that will bring you right back down to earth...(get it?).

Definitely a family film, and by that, I don't mean plain or inoffensive, like HITCH. Your entire family might actually enjoy this movie. Which is great, because after all, 'sometimes parents just don't understand'.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Sidenote: Speaking of alien life forms. There is rumor of a possible ALF movie.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

-Paul Fusco, ALF creator

Bernie

BERNIE
PG-13
104 Minutes
Director: Richard Linklater
Writers: Richard Linklater (screenplay), Skip Hollandsworth (screenplay)
Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey

“I have found strength where one does not look for it: in simple, mild, and pleasant people, without the least desire to rule...The powerful natures dominate, it is a necessity, they need not lift one finger. -Friedrich Nietzsche. Nachlass, Fall 1880

Cast
Matthew McConaughey-Danny Buck
Jack Black-Bernie Tiede
Shirley MacLaine-Marjorie Nugent

Bernie has been called a dark comedy, but I feel this to be highly inaccurate. This story actually happened. It's a bizarre film that transcends genre, Unlike dead baby jokes; I felt uneasy laughing, even during the funny parts. Still, this is not Jack Black's least funny movie. That proud distinction belongs to NACHO LIBRE (2006).

Bernie Tiede worked as an assistant funeral director in Carthage, Texas. Funeral home directors have to try harder to be perceived as normal. You know want to be the creepy mortician, a necrophiliac of sorts, especially in a small town. So there's some overcompensation. Because a creepy mortician would be the first suspect in any murder investigation.

Bernie kept in touch with all the widows. Dropping by these ladies houses, giving them flowers and cards. He loved 'golden girls', and this was just the best way of getting into their Depends. I'm only kidding, of course, he wasn't into women all that much. Some might say, he was 'a little light in the loafers', to use the Texas vernacular.

If Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau could teach us anything, it's that polar opposites shouldn't live together in movies. This is where the problems began for Bernie and Marjorie. Their relationship began like a bad marriage. Marjorie gave him power of attorney, or a blank checkbook.

Pablo Escobar was liked, in spite of being a ruthless drug lord. Funny, when you build soccer stadiums people seem that conveniently forget all the harm you've caused. But Bernie wasn't a bad guy from the start. He was a real-life Ned Flanders. He spread his newfound wealth all over town, because it was already in his generous nature. This is a man that just snapped after being trapped with an emotionally abusive woman. It could happen to any of us; Billy Corgan was right, 'the killer in you is the killer in me'.

I've always maintained that the only time Matthew McConnaughy doesn't stink, is when he is in those Dolce and Gabbana cologne ads. He has experience playing dumb people and lawyers. But combining these two things has proven quite the challenge for him. In this movie, but, he played the dopey, country bumpkin, District Attorney. It's too much, no one that dumb could graduate law school, and pass the bar exam: no-sir-e-bob.

While there weren't too many LOL moments, this movie told an original, real-life story, most effectively. In short, this movie was well executed, if you'll pardon the pun.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100

Get the Gringo

GET THE GRINGO
R
95 Minutes
Director: Adrian Grunberg
Writers: Mel Gibson, Adrian Grunberg, Stacy Perskie
Mel Gibson, Peter Stormare, Dean Norris

Father-Son Moment

Cast
Mel Gibson-Driver
Peter Stormare-Frank
Dean Norris-Bill
Kevin Hernandez-Kid
Dolores Heredia-The Kid's Mom

Once an A-list actor, Mel Gibson has now become a Hollwood outcast. In his prime, he could almost pass for normal...almost. Bigotry, mental instability, alcoholism, delusions of grandeur; have all plagued this actor/philanthropist recently. The liberal media has persecuted Mister Gibson for his beliefs; and now, you could say that's his cross to bare.

The Mel you know and love (1985-95) has come back to life, however briefly, and not for the entire duration of this movie. After some serious soul searching, 'Mad Max' came up with this feature film. Surprisingly, Get the Gringo, is in large part, financed by himself.

After a large bank heist, a career criminal evades police, and escapes into Mexico. Landing himself in a Mexican jail. The jail is more of a ghetto than a jail, with its own local economy. Family members of prisoners come and go as they please. There's rampant corruption; you could buy almost anything you wanted there, except for freedom. This criminal mastermind has no problem circumnavigating this new world. He even knows a little Spanish.

Spoiler Alert: He falls in love with Mexican lady.

An exciting film, just good mindless fun. To use the cliché, this is an action packed, non-stop thrill ride. This 'thrill ride' ends like Splash Mountain at Disneyland, but without the water. I'm referring to the contrived, stupid, non-existent ending.

Lately, I've been teaching myself Spanish. So at the very least, I knew this movie would serve an educational purpose. And for all you students of Spanish, it did serve this purpose, they spoke Spanish and displayed Spanish subtitles.

Get the Gringo will never see the dark of theaters. So I reccomend getting this from a Red Box. When you're over at a friends house, throw the DVD on the coffee table, and say:

What the hell is this doing here?
Really?
I'm embarrassed to even know you.
Still, would be funny if we watched it... all the way through.

Final Verdict: 68 out of 100

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