The Expendables 2

THE EXPENDABLES 2
R
103 minutes
Director: Simon West
Writers: David Agosto, Ken Kaufman, Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Liam Hemsworth, Randy Couture

Cast
Sylvester Stallone-Barney Ross
Jean-Claude Van Damme-Vilain
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Trench
Dolph Lundgren Gunnar-Jensen
Jason Statham-Lee Christmas
Terry Crews-Hale Caesar
Randy Couture-Toll Road
 
'We're not too old for this shit.'
-Roger Murtaugh, LETHAL WEAPON 4 (1998) 

 
In a struggling economy, 'has-been' action stars have struggled to find any real acting gigs. Since they can't create another 'Planet Hollywood', they become mercenaries. They know how to beat up criminals on film, and now they must use these skills off camera to commit felonies for murderous thugs. You think they're the 'bad guys', oh, but no; it is soon revealed that secretly, they were all in cahoots with the FBI...the entire time. Think DONNIE BRASCO (1997), but on a much grander scale.

That's all made up, expect for the 'Planet Hollywood' part.  I don't have to explain to what it's about, it's irrelevant.

Because I had low expectations, I was thoroughly impressed with the first EXPENDABLES. Sequels are usually bigger, louder, and more lame.

But the great king 'Cobra', Sly Stallone, is no lame-wad.   He brings us yet another intriguing saga: a second, 'Expendables' mission.

These mercenary characters all have a tragic fate. Similar to that of Mickey Rourke's character in THE WRESTLER. He couldn't handle working in a deli. Because the only thing he knew, and loved, was professional wrestling.

I wish Chuck Bronson was still alive, only he could have improved this film. He'd walk in while Jean-Claude Van Damm was playing craps at a casino, and then shoot him in the head a couple of times. He would say,'no dice', before calmly, walking away.

What sets apart this EXPENDABLES from the first one, is having an Asian lady in the mercenary crew. I didn't notice any sexism, but Stallone kept on referring to her as 'Connie Chung' , and 'Kung Pao Chicken'.

A third 'EXPENDABLES' will get made, but let's leave it at that. Otherwise, it just becomes plain sad, most of these actors will become senor citizens very soon. This product does have an expiration date.  It's just like Sharon Stone doing BASIC INSTINCT II (2006), after becoming old and unattractive. 

 
This film will give you everything you would expect, but that's it. We've seen way too much Chuck Norris, in the past 20 years, so I'm glad he only had a small part in this. So let us engrave the Oscars ahead of time, and just cancel the awards themselves; these guys will win absolutely everything.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

The Bourne Legacy (Mini-Review)

THE BOURNE LEGACY

PG-13

135 Minutes

Director: Tony Gilroy

Writers: Tony Gilroy, Dan Gilroy, Robert Ludlum  

Stars: Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton

 

CAST 

Jeremy Renner ... Aaron Cross

Rachel Weisz ... Dr. Marta Shearing

Stacy Keach ... Retired Adm. Mark Turso, USN

Edward Norton ... Retired Col. Eric Byer, USAF

Déjà Vu 

There's a reason another JURASSIC PARK. hasn't been made...yet: no one wants to see the same movie four times in a row.

The 'BOURNE' series is still profitable. Speaking hypodermicly, six more 'BOURNE' novels could be made into movies. 

But the source material isn't the issue. Matt Damon isn't in this one; that's the main problem. I got an idea: how about we make another CITY SLICKERS movie, but Billy Crystal can't have a part in it, otherwise it might become successful.

THE BOURNE LEGACY: Starring Tom Hardy 's Body Double, Jeremy Renner

All the incomprehensible plot points never fully integrates into one coherent story. From what I could tell, the movie involves a scientific researcher going on a murderous rampage. From there, the rest of BOURNE LEGACY is about the protagonist searching for blue pills.

This movie was never boring, but it was never mindful either.  There's nothing wrong with a mindless action flick, especially in the summer months. But the 'BOURNE' series was created for thinking people. Much akin to the more recent James Bond movies. 

Walking out of THE BOURNE LEGACY left me with many unanswered questions like; how is Stacy Keach still alive? Or, should other people watch this?

Final Verdict: 74 out of 100

Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL
PG-13
118 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writers: Kurt Wimmer, Mark Bomback, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon
Jon Povill, Philip K. Dick
Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston

Cast
Colin Farrell ... Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale ... Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel ... Melina
Bryan Cranston ... Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine ... Harry
Bill Nighy ... Matthias

Joe: Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?...

Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from TOTAL RECALL. ...

Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?

Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?

 -FAMILY GUY--A FISH OUT OF WATER (2001)

I thought this was the day I was finally going to see a good Colin Farrell film. But no, one can dream though, one can dream.

TOTAL RECALL is about the parallel universe in which Al Gore became president in 2000. Just kidding, that idea is far too original to ever see the big screen.

What we have here is a remake. Just because something is redone, doesn't make it bad. I was just watching that last MADAGASCAR movie, it took them three times, and they finally got that right. I know, most impressive, indeed.

The original TOTAL RECALL (1990), was a cinematic masterpiece to behold : Ah-nold at his absolute finest. Alright, that was an exaggeration, not his best work, literally speaking. I'll just call it somewhere between TERMINATOR 2, and JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Redoing TOTAL RECALL, would be like redoing KINDERGARTEN COP. I can just see it now...Verne Troyer, with prosthetics, would play a convincing kindergartner. The plot: fake DARE officers are selling drugs to kids during recess. Detective John Kimble needs to investigate this before another kid ODs, face down—on the soccer field.

There is no reason to enjoy the latest version of TOTAL RECALL. Sure, there are some entertaining parts, but this film takes far too a somber tone: there's not one single joke, no one even cracks a smile. The CGI is flawless, but technically speaking, so is an autotuned song.

Even in bad movies, it's fun to see another's vision of the future. But can we just let go of the hovercraft thing. I don't think humans are capable of operating a car in three dimensions. Bruce Willis did it in 5TH ELEMENT, but he's the exception, he's always the exception.

If I live long enough, perhaps someone could implant a memory of me enjoying this movie. Because implanting a memory of me not watching it, might mean I accidently stumble upon this movie one day...the destructive pattern would only repeat itself. I don't have to go any further, you've all seen ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004). 

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Step Up Revolution

STEP UP REVOLUTION

PG-13

99 Minutes

Director: Scott Speer

Writers: Duane Adler, Amanda Brody

Cleopatra Coleman, Sharni Vinson, Rick Malambri

Excuse me, I ain't walkin on egg shells just cause you brought the Brady Bunch to the negro club.  -SAVE THE LAST DANCE (2001)

Cast

Cleopatra Coleman ... Penelope

Misha Gabriel Hamilton ... Eddy (as Misha Gabriel)

Ryan Guzman ... Sean

Michael 'Xeno' Langebeck ... Mercury

Stephen Boss ... Jason (as Stephen 'tWitch' Boss)

Peter Gallagher ... Mr. Anderson (Penelope's Dad) 

They have a saying in Miami: if you can't stand the Heat, you should leave American Airlines Arena; because you might become dissatisfied with your overall game watching experience.

STEP UP REVOLUTION takes the once highly respected 'dance competition' genre, and turns it into an utter joke. I don't understand how the movie unfolded, but I'll try to explain it to you.

This dance crew is a combination of flash-mobbery, youtube, stylistic dance moves, and poltical protest. Political dance protesting? If only they thought of that at Kent State. 

There's a new additon to the televised 'revolution', Emily. It takes a while for the crew to warm up to Emily. But she's screwing the main character, so it's all good. Emily always has the same dumb look on her face. It's that look of bewilderment or confusion; like Elizabeth Berkley in SHOWGIRLS (1997).

Mr. Anderson, Emily's father: Chairman of Anderson Global Properties: a big, bad corporation, that wants to destroy the lives of young, non-exotic dancers.  He's played by the dad from THE OC... I mean I think it's him. I was never really into that show.

Emily is his spoiled, classically trained daughter. For fans of SAVE THE LAST DANCE, she's like Julia Stiles character, Sara.  If you haven't seen SAVE THE LAST DANCE, you must do so. And only then, can you continue reading the rest of this article.

Emily, and the rest of  her multi-cultural gang, have sabotaged his development plan. Soon as he finds out about his daughter's shenanigans, O.C.-Dad becomes super pissed. How's he supposed to buy that aircraft carrier now? If he ever wants to sail his yacht immediately after landing his G6, he'll be shit-outta-luck.

If I had to judge the movie on dance moves alone. STEP UP would get a perfect score. And as far as I'm concerned, these actors qualified to appear in any Usher video they'd like. But I'm merely a movie critic, so I'll leave this judgement to those with more capable hands, nay, feet.

Final Verdict: 25 out of 100

The Watch

THE WATCH

111 Minutes

R

Director: Akiva Schaffer

Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade

Cast

Ben Stiller as Evan

Vince Vaughn as Bob

Jonah Hill as Franklin

Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus

Rosemarie DeWitt as Evan's wife

Will Forte as Sergeant Bressman

'...Cause for real, a mind is a terrible thing to waste' - DEAD PREZ 

The Plot

Three kids, Evan, Bob, and Franklin stumble upon a rare Casio wrist watch. They accidentally discover that they can manipulate time with this device. Which only leads to a series of immature pranks. Like traveling to 1973, so they could pull down the pants of Henry Kissinger, as he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.

No, this isn't really what the movie is about. But I kind of wish it was. Everyone involved with THE WATCH is capable of making a better movie. I wouldn't call it half-baked, but rather a full baked idea. THE WATCH is an incomplete movie that started out with a good enough idea, but clearly someone got bored in the middle (or closer to the beginning) of making this.

ILLEGAL ALIENS WORKING AT COSTCO

Ben Stiller plays a Costco manager, who has a rather boring and predictable life in the suburbs. Upon arriving at work one morning, the police tell him that the night security guard is disemboweled, but not by aliens.

This is not the Ben you love from TROPIC THUNDER, he's the full-on, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM/MEET THE PARENTS-Ben Stiller.

The police department doesn't know what they're doing. So Evan vows to avenge the murder of his kinda-work-friend. At this point, he knows nothing of aliens, or their planned invasion. So Evan, Bob, Franklin, and Jamarcus form the neighborhood watch. This is where the supposed fun begins...

'He Walks Amongst Us, But He Is Not One Of Us.'

One of the neighborhood watchmen is an alien. He's the actor you never heard of. 

Vince Vaughn's character is just that dumb white guy in any commercial. You know the guy: when his wife is on vacation, he blows up the kitchen, trying to cook breakfast for the kids. Uh-oh, someone should have picked up McGriddles at the drive through.

That's A Wrap

You should buy this movie. That's right, I said that. Go to Costco, and buy several copies of THE WATCH. Then you take the movie cases from that box set of GAME OF THRONES, that you own. Make fake labels for the DVDs themselves, so everything looks completely legitimate. Then, give it as a present on April Fools' Day, with a post-it that says, 'because I love you'.  Two months later, when said person actually wants to watch GAME OF THRONES, they'll notice that all the discs are copies of this crappy movie. From there, I'd imagine you might become the victim of domestic violence. 

Final Verdict: 45  out of 100