Jack Reacher

JACK REACHER
PG-13
130 Minutes
Director: Christopher McQuarrie
Writers: Lee Child, Christopher McQuarrie
Tom Cruise, Richard Jenkins, Rosamund Pike, Werner Herzog

Cast
Tom Cruise--Reacher
Rosamund Pike--Helen
Werner Herzog--The Zec
Robert Duvall--Cash

Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie... so the cops knew internal affairs were setting them up?
Man: What are you talking about theres nothing like that in there
Homer: Well y'see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.
THE SIMPSONS, 5F23

You Don't Know Jack

Take a close look at the opening credits. You'll see it's produced by Tom Cruise. In all fairness, this is mainly because people are weirded out by him. Just like John Travolta, the only way he can get work, is by being in his own movie.

Our story begins when a sniper kills four people. But this isn't the work of some crazed lunatic. Well it is, but it's not the one you're thinking of. The main suspect is in a coma. Jack is trying to prove this man's innocence. Powerful people framed the suspect, and Mr. Reacher has to untangle this complex web of deceit, lies, and  corruption.

Hit The Road Jack

Jack Reacher is a bad-ass:  a quick-witted dude, with the ingenuity of MacGyver. He is a drifter, but not just any drifter, one who plays by his own rules. He's like that guy on PRISON BREAK.

Helen is the lawyer representing the suspect. Tom Cruise plays one of her temporary employees, a 'paralegal' of sorts.  There's a sexual tension between these two that's impossible to ignore. While in a hotel room, very casually, Jack offs the shirt he's wearing. She tells him to put his shirt back on, but it's not very convincing. You think something will happen, but unfortunately, things have to stay PG-13.

Soon as you think you got everything figured out: Bam! It was the black guy. I knew it; he was just too gung-ho about this investigation. Filmmakers don't want to look racist. Interestingly enough, this racial bias, brings about a mammoth plot twist.

If you think Robert Duvall has played far too many old cowboys, you're in for a welcome surprise. In this movie, he plays a shooting range owner... that wears a cowboy hat.

Werner Herzog plays a brutish, criminal overlord.  As a documentary filmmaker, this is the part he was born to play: a maniacal sociopath. In this role, he's absolutely splendid.

My Criticism

Overall, this film ended too smoothly. The cop chase scene was a little too 'BLUES BROTHERS'. And with the villains, they're cunning criminals, in one moment, yet, in the next scene, they're literally like 'The 3 Stooges'. I find it difficult to suspend disbelief when people are acting so cartoonishly stupid.

JACK REACHER is just good enough to not be labeled as a bad movie. If you want to see this type of movie, except better, watch MICHAEL CLAYTON (2007).

Final Verdict: 74 out of 100

This is 40

THIS IS 40
R
134 Minutes
Director: Judd Apatow
Writer: Judd Apatow
Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Albert Brooks, John Lithgow

Cast
Paul Rudd--Pete
Leslie Mann--Debbie
Maude Apatow--Sadie
Iris Apatow--Charlotte
John Lithgow--Oliver
Megan Fox--Desi
Albert Brooks--Larry

I've always given Judd Apatow a free pass because I love FREAKS AND GEEKS (1999) so much.  But not all his projects of been so excellent. Still, to his credit, he hasn't had any epic, Adam Sandler-scale failures, thus far.

THIS IS 40 picks up where KNOCKED UP left off. Except, the main character,  Seth Rogen, isn't around. I get the feeling that Seth was probably in the first draft of the screenplay, in some capacity, but couldn't appear in it because he was doing that other 'comedy' with 'Babs'. It's frustrating, I'm curious and I'd like a little closure. How did it all worked for those two crazy kids, and their love child? And what about that pornographic website start-up? It was supposed to make enough income to pay for the kid's future ivy league education.

Lesley Mann is the wife of Judd Apatow. So it's merely coincidental,  that she and her two daughters star in the movie he directed. Oh, man, I wish there was an emoticon for sarcasm. This is the worst case of nepotism since the Wayans family debacle on IN LIVING COLOR. But in reality, the Apatow clan functions exceptionally well, as both a fictional and a real family. It certainly made for a better, more authentic movie.

Debbie's father is played by John Lithgow. He's one of the more fascinating characters in the story. There's a side to this actor I've never noticed. Because of his role on CLIFFHANGER, and (1993) THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN; I'm used to John Lithgow acting all flamboyant, and animated.  Even when he played that psychopath on DEXTER;  the character was a low-key, serious guy, who never made a spectacle of himself. John's  character, in this film, is very dead-pan, perfecting a very Newhart-ian style of comedy.

Megan Fox...looking good. She's a damn fine prostitute ...in this movie, that is.

The actors, themselves, are not to blame for the film's shortcomings. There's a depth to the characters that's not often seen in comedies. The problem lies within the narrative.  The script wanders too far, and too often. The right conclusion can make up for all that wandering. But here, the conclusion just doesn't feel right. Like an afterthought.

In summary: the only thing wrong with this movie is the lack of fart and dick jokes.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Fred Claus

FRED CLAUS (2007)
PG
116 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Dan Fogelman, Jessie Nelson Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Elizabeth Banks

CAST
Vince Vaughn-Fred Claus
Paul Giamatti-Nick 'Santa' Claus
Elizabeth Banks-Charlene
Kevin Spacey-Clyde

Merry Christmas Everbody

FRED CLAUS reeks of mediocrity. It's not the worst Christmas movie ever made. But it is one of the most boring ones.

Plot wise, every Santa movie is about trying to get enough toys made before Christmas eve.

Paul Giamatti is over-qualified to play Santa. His lack of enthusiasm for the role is impossible to ignore. It looks as though he's only in FRED CLAUS as a result of black male, or an addiction to prescription pain killers

There's one, intentionally funny scene, when Fred goes to 'Siblings Anonymous'. Billy Baldwin, Roger Clinton, and Frank Stallone all complain about living in the shadow of a successful brother.

And Now For Some Unintentional Humor

'Clyde, played by Kevin Spacey, is an efficiency expert. A hard-nosed bureaucrat; he wants to shut down Santa's whole operation. We find out this 'Clyde' character is only bitter from not getting a particular present from Santa as a child. In the scene where Santa confronts Spacey's character, things get too melodramatic. Here is some dialogue:

Santa: Four-Eyed Clyde. I bet that's what they called you. I don't know what you're talk...Oh, and do you think that after a while of being called Four-Eyed Clyde... you maybe got a little angry? Maybe you started a fight or two. Maybe 10, maybe 12. So you asked me for something. A Superman cape. Because you thought that that was gonna change everything.

Clyde: This is ridiculous.

Santa: So you decide to stay Four-Eyed Clyde? Because Clark Kent wore glasses! But when he turned into Superman...he didn't need those darn glasses anymore, did he? Oh, Clyde. It was wrong of me not to give you that gift, Clyde. I fear that I had a very incorrect... misguided understanding of naughty children. So this may be a little late. You wanna put it on?

Clyde: Mr. Claus, I'm a 45-year-old man, I'm not...

Santa: Put it on...for me
(End Scene)

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. You may of unwrapped all your presents, and you're probably done watching Christmas movies. But with my gift to you, you now have knowledge of, and are able to avoid this sub par movie. And that's something that will last a lifetime.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Ernest Save Christmas (Retro)

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS (1988)(Retro)
PG
95 Minutes
Director: John R. Cherry III
Writers: Ed Turner, B. Kline
Jim Varney, Douglas Seale and Oliver Clark

Cast
Jim Varney     ...Ernest P. Worrell
Douglas Seale     ...Santa
Oliver Clark     ...Joe Carruthers

Well, there you go.
I messed things up, like always.
Only now, I messed up Christmas
for everybody. My favorite time of year,
and I blew it! -Ernest (Movie Dialogue)

The Importance of Being Ernest

After A CHRISTMAS STORY, and before HOME ALONE, we had ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS.

Culturally, 1988 was awful.  It was so awful, that ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS was not the worst movie to come out that year.

Ernest was a character invented by studio executives in the 80s. For those of my readers who don't remember the cultural phenomenon of 'Ernest'; shame on you, I'm embarrassed for the both of us. For those of you who have seen every 'Ernest' movie, stop reading my review, enough of your time has been wasted.

Varney's character was the personification, and embodiment of all 'THREE STOOGES'. The problem is, slapstick lost its appeal 50 years ago. Ernest is more slapdick comedy; the way he jerks us around, without arriving at any humorous climax.

Like 'Gallagher', There is no explaining why people liked him. Or how he hung around, just long enough, to permanently secure a spot on the Parthenon of American pop culture.

With ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS, Ernest impersonates a variety of characters, with stunning accuracy.  Lawyer, snake caretaker, elderly woman, and actor. And so it seems, Dana Carvey, the 'Master of Disguise, doesn't have a monopoly on impersonating multiple characters in the same film.

Jim Varney spent a large part of his life  portraying 'Ernest', before moving on as a distinguished thespian in the Royal Shakespeare Company.  That last part was a mistake. I was confusing Jim Varney with Ian McKellen...again. Sincerest apologies.

Truthfully, as far as his legacy is concerned, Varney probably wants to be  remembered for his later voiceover work, as well as that bizarre cameo on the last season of ROSEANNE, but not as some yokel in a denim vest. Unfortunately, there is no reversing the damage already done.

Not everything is wrong with this movie. Young children might like it, I know I loved it, that is, before knowing any better. On a positive note, Douglas Seale does give us the best depiction of Santa in cinematic history. It's just a shame, he had to be in such a poor movie.

Final Verdict: 10 out 100

Sidenote:  The Ernest thing isn't done yet, check out this story: Ernest Gets a Reboot with Son of Ernest. End this madness, now, please, let's not corrupt another generation of America. We need people to collect my bed pans, when I'm at a nursing home.

Thunderstruck

THUNDERSTRUCK
PG
102 Minutes
Director: John Whitesell
Writers: Eric Champnella, Jeff Farley
Kevin Durant, Taylor Gray, James Belushi

CAST
Kevin Durant      Himself
Taylor Gray         Brian
James Belushi   Coach Amross

BLUE CHIPS, WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP, ABOVE THE RIM , BLACK AND WHITE, SPACE JAM, HE GOT GAME, HOOSIERS, CELTIC PRIDE, BIG AND HARRY, and TEEN WOLF. What do all these basketball movies have in common?

None of them are as bad as THUNDERSTRUCK.

Brian is a 16 year-old boy who lives within the greater OKC area. While at a Thunder game, he wins a raffle, and gets a chance to shoot the basketball from half court. Brick! He misses the basket, in a most spectacular fashion, knocking the buffalo-headed mascot unconscious.

The next scene is at the funeral of the buffalo mascot. Just kidding, he doesn't die...or maybe he does. The person inside might be a replacement, you don't know.

The next day, all the kids in school make fun of him, because they always have, it goes with the territory of being a dork. This incident makes it much more difficult for him to look like one of those 'cool guys'. The type of guy Isabel Sánchez goes for. And it's too bad because he's really got a crush on her.

You know how this type of movie goes down. We've all seen ROOKIE OF THE YEAR. Well, at least I have.  Brian becomes the world's greatest basketball player.

With all the success of high school basketball, he became a giant prick. His real friends abandoned him. And that Sánchez girl, she wants nothing to do with him.

Kevin Durant's agent notices the NBA baller's moves have mysteriously vanished. There's only one logical explanation: an accidental talent transfer between two people, right after that half-court shot.

The time comes to make things right.  The mascot has to get hit in the head again, to reverse the talent transfer.

The only realistic part of the movie was the basketball coach. I could see Jim Belushi, the person, really coaching high school basketball. After he runs out of ACCORDING TO JIM royalties, he may have to settle down with a regular gig, and get married to someone about as attractive as he is.

THUNDERSTRUCK is a blatant rip-off of the Lil' Bow Wow movie, LIKE MIKE. Surprisingly, LIKE MIKE is not so bad. Mostly, because they used NBA players...that played basketball in the movie. In this film, we don't see nearly enough, real basketball action.

As a player, and a player of basketball, I respect Kevin Durant. There are no hard feelings, from this bitter Sonics fan. I'm just disappointed with him, and some of the decisions he's made.

Final Verdict: 24 out of 100

Cloud Atlas

CLOUD ATLAS
PG-13
165 Minutes
Directors: Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
Writers: David Mitchell, Lana Wachowski, Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski
Tom Hanks, Susan Sarandon, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent

Cast (I know it's a mess, but that's not my fault.)

Tom Hanks... Dr. Henry Goose / Hotel Manager / Isaac Sachs / Dermot Hoggins / Cavendish Look-a-Like Actor / Zachry
Halle Berry... Native Woman / Jocasta Ayrs / Luisa Rey / Indian Party Guest / Ovid / Meronym
Jim Broadbent ... Captain Molyneux / Vyvyan Ayrs / Timothy Cavendish / Korean Musician / Prescient 2
Hugo Weaving... Haskell Moore / Tadeusz Kesselring / Bill Smoke / Nurse Noakes / Boardman Mephi / Old Georgie
Jim Sturgess... Adam Ewing / Poor Hotel Guest / Megan's Dad / Highlander / Hae-Joo Chang / Adam / Zachry Brother-in-Law
Doona Bae ... Tilda / Megan's Mom / Mexican Woman / Sonmi-451 / Sonmi-351 / Sonmi Prostitute
Ben Whishaw ... Cabin Boy / Robert Frobisher / Store Clerk / Georgette / Tribesman
Keith David... Kupaka / Joe Napier / An-kor Apis / Prescient
James D'Arcy... Young Rufus Sixsmith / Old Rufus Sixsmith / Nurse James / Archivist
Xun Zhou... Talbot / Hotel Manager / Yoona-939 / Rose
David Gyasi ... Autua / Lester Rey / Duophsyte
Susan Sarandon... Madame Horrox / Older Ursula / Yusouf Suleiman / Abbess
Hugh Grant... Rev. Giles Horrox / Hotel Heavy / Lloyd Hooks / Denholme Cavendish / Seer Rhee / Kona Chief

This is a complex story, far too difficult for me to summarize with words, due to personal laziness. Nonetheless, I will review this random collection of sights and sounds, called CLOUD ATLAS.

There are 6 intertwined stories. From the mid 19th century to 2144. Most of the actors play 6 different characters from different eras.  The make up is done so well, that this cost-cutting measure is barely noticeable.

If I eat breakfast at Denny's, I won't be disappointed with my food. Because my expectations were low to begin with. Halle Berry and Hugh Grant are different, they aren't a couple of 'Grand Slams' (in both senses of that term). All they've done, thus far, is shoot par on their own course. Even if it's just by accident, they will eventually give a passable performance. And so, this eventuality has now become a reality. They gave us something passable; CLOUD ATLAS is their magnus opus...wait...I meant magna opera, that's the correct plural form of magnus opus...my bad.

I'm not saying CLOUD ATLAS is good because of Berry and Grant, but rather it's good despite their presence; it's only a coincidence. The missing variable is Tom Hanks. He's like that lemon slice you use to make Miller High Life more palatable. This 'Bosom Buddy' can make less-than-stellar actors look good. There are limits, though. All the Tom Hanks in the world, won't make Gary Busey look good, or human for that matter.

Some may not care for how long the movie is, or its erratic narrative. I could say, I found it deep and profound. But I can't anticipate your reaction. Who knows? Perhaps the film's message will fall upon deaf ears. It's really not my place to be so judgmental.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Christmas in Compton

CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON
93 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Raynr
Writers: Suzanne Broderick, Robert Fedor
Sheryl Lee Ralph, Keith David, Omar Gooding

 ...let me read you this one
Christmas in Compton
it was a silent night,
yes a holy night
until Mr. Claus turned into Santa
muthafuckin' right?
-MERRY MUTHAFUCKIN' X-MAS, EAZY-E

CAST
Porscha Coleman...Kendra  Campbell
Keith David ... Big Earl
Omar Gooding ...Derrick Hollander

I don't see what could go wrong. Combining two things I love: G-Funk and Christmas. Like at the grocery store, DiGornio pizza is sometimes packaged with chocolate chip cookies, so you don't have to burn empty calories, walking to separate isles trying to put a complete meal together.

I have this image of Eazy-E. Someone discovers his memoirs. And in the middle of that Trapper Keeper, there's an unfinished screenplay. Entitled, 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON'. This movie would be about robbing liquor stores to help pay for expensive AIDS drugs.

In the City...City of Compton

Compton is not a real city, it only exists in rap lyrics. To my chagrin, the title 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON', is a misnomer, and a marketing gimmick. No member of NWA, The Dogg Pound Gang, or Death Row Records, had any involvement with this film.  And my childhood fantasy of a AK's, Ol' English, and Santa delivering presents in a cherry '64; will always be, just that, a fantasy.

Keith David is a B+ actor. He's that guy you would mistake with the clerk on NIGHT COURT, Charles Robinson. Although now, there is probably less confusion, as NIGHT COURT'S popularity has waned considerably, following its cancellation.

A Wild and Crazy Kid

Closing in on 40; Omar Gooding is gotten away with playing the same character for 20 years. To his credit, he has aged more gracefully than other Nickelodeon game show hosts. Such as, Mark Summers and Mike O'Malley.

I Don't Like to Dream About Getting Paid

This film center on Derek Hollander is an amateur music producer. Who has a grand dream of becoming wealthy enough to get straight out of Compton forever.  Meanwhile, he's working at his dad's Christmas tree stand. Just to clarify, they sell Christmas trees there. It's not a business that sells a single Christmas tree stand.

Bah! Humbug!

Every bad Christmas movie ends the same way. The main character screws up, disappointing everyone in his life. But just in the 'Saint Nick' of time, he makes up for his wrongdoing, by way of a miracle. And now, everyone is better off than they would have been, had this parasite not coming to their lives.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Red Dawn

RED DAWN
PG-13
114 Minutes
Director: David Bradley
Writers: Carl Ellsworth, Jeremy Passmore, Kevin Reynolds, John Milius
Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, Erica Martin, Jed Eckert, Dan Lewis

Who is that handsome devil? It's local TV anchor, Dan Lewis. The picture is from LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT (2002). Another acting role of his. Cast
Josh Peck...Matt Eckert
Josh Hutcherson...Robert Kitner
Isabel Lucas...Erica Martin
Chris Hemsworth...Jed Eckert

Sometimes, remaking a bad movie works out.  If expectations are low to begin with, success is all but inevitable.

RED DAWN has sat on the shelf for about 2 years. The film makers were waiting for the right time to release it. But there is no right time to release this blitzkrieg on my intellectual faculties.

Walking in, all I wanted from this movie, was to see some communists get blown up. Not that terrorism is something to make light of. It's funny, but not ha-ha funny, more of a 'freaking hilarious' type funny. After his death, Kim Jong Il's brother, Menta Lee took power. And this time... it's 'no more Mr. Nice Guy'.

In this latest RED DAWN, Patrick Swayze was nowhere to be seen.  This alone is blasphemous beyond comprehension. I know he's dead, but it's no coincidence that they waited until the one, Sir Patrick Swayze was gone before starting this project. I'm not certain, it could very well be a coincidence, but maybe not. All I know is Jesse Ventura has an answer.

If I were North Korea, and planned on invading America, Spokane would be low on my list of places to make base camp. I might avoid the city altogether. They already have it bad enough living in Spokane. This  communism thing isn't for everyone.

Josh Peck usually plays dorky characters. Here he's playing a high school quarterback. Even though Josh lost a bunch of weight. He still doesn't look like much of an athlete. Not a major flaw, but it's like Sly Stallone playing a physics professor at MIT.

For those of you unfamiliar with Josh Peck. He was on the Nickelodeon sitcom, JOSH AND DRAKE (2004-2007). I'm basing this on exhaustive research. Not that I'm a regular watcher of Nickelodeon...anymore...this week.

In the original RED DAWN (1984), everything is far-fetched, but at least with the Soviets, you know they were a worthy adversary. With the North Koreans, you mostly pity them. China invading the United States, that's something that will definitely happen eventually. A Chinese invasion scenario would've made a better movie. Chinese stereotypes are funnier, and they would appeal more to RED DAWN'S target demographic: 13-year old boys with learning disabilities.

This is a bad movie remake that took itself way too seriously. Usually, I would advise against watching a movie like this. But not this time. Rent this movie, look at the special features, and you may see the real ending they forgot to put in the theatrical release.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100