The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

A Good Day To Die Hard

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
97 Minutes
R
Director: John Moore
Writers: Skip Woods, Roderick Thorp
Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Cast
Bruce Willis–John McClane
Jai Courtney–Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch–Komarov
Mary Elizabeth Winstead–Lucy
Yuliya Snigir–Irina

‘Code red, code red.’
-Bruce Willis, THE SIEGE (1998)

(Insert Yaknov Smirnov Joke Here)

Take Your Kid To Work Day: The Movie…To The Extreme

All aboard! The 80s-Action-Movie-Express-Train blew passed the station, and shows no sign of slowing down. It’s about to jump the rails, hit the napalm factory, and plow right into the orphanage, the one adjacent to the factory.

After RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES films, I’m no longer nostalgic for the action stars of yesteryear. The irony, it’s gone. The next time I see Chuck Norris, it better be in an AARP commercial.

If you were wondering, ‘Die Hard’ is a reference to the battery; it’s not about the erection men get after becoming deceased.

John McClane goes to Moscow to give the Cold War a real ending. He thinks his son, Jack, has P-OD-ED on some top-notch pharmaceuticals. But really, Jack is a CIA spy. And so, there you have it, father and son, fighting Russian gangsters. John worked too much when Jack was growing up. But worry not, they’ll patch things up quickly; you only need a couple of hours to undo 30 years of resentment.

Here’s where it gets interesting… Just kidding, it never gets interesting.

After the first half hour, you lose all hope of seeing a good movie. From there, they don’t even bother giving us one decent scene.

The last DIE HARD had some problems, but it was still watchable. This latest DIE HARD can only be described as a violent, action-packed clusterfuck.

Bruce Willis just memorized a bunch of one-liners. Like, ‘I’m here, where’s my God-Damn paycheck?’

Willis has a serious case of ‘Tim Allen Syndrome’; where he’s gotten a little too comfortable with one particular role, like ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘John McClane’.

DIE HARD is not without positive attributes. What I liked most, the film’s brevity. It isn’t overly long, and that’s not so bad. Also, I love the part where John crashes through the window of an office building, and the other scene where he crashed through a window. That was cool.

Several times, John McClane mentions that he’s on vacation. And I say yes, he most certainly was.

I’m too young for this shit.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100

Bullet To The Head

BULLET TO THE HEAD
R
92 Minutes
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Alessandro Camon, Alexis Nolent
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Cast
Sylvester Stallone--James Bonomo
Sung Kang--Taylor Kwon
Christian Slater--Marcus Baptiste
'Mr. Eko' from LOST-- Robert Nkomo Morel

Movie Quote...

Sung Lang: Are you fucking insane? You don't just kill a guy like this...
James Bonomo: I just did.

Stallone and Kang: in the unlikeliest comedy duo since TANGO AND CASH. No wait, I think David Duke and Malcom X would be the unlikeliest comedy duo. But strictly speaking, this film isn't a comedy, or at least an intentional one.

Brains and brawn, beauty and the geek. One's clean-cut and the other's rough around the edges.

You might think this looks like an Owen Wilson-Jackie Chan-type duo. But you'd be wrong. I think one could argue, with the criminal-cop dynamic, and the racial clash, Bonomo and Kwon, are most like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 HOURS.

    'That's all we expect of man, this side the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.'
    -Robert Browning quoted at the beginning of GET CARTER (2000)
 
James Bonomo, part Rocky, part Rambo, part...just doesn't give a shit. By all appearances, this man is an honest criminal. But he's sees himself as an irredeemable nogoodnic, who no longer wants to be bothered.
 
You've seen this movie before. There's an investigation, police corruption, internal affairs gets involved, the police chief knows what's really going on, and is in on everything. Stallone's 'kind-of adopted' daughter, gets taken hostage in a large industrial building. The only thing you couldn't see coming was the axe fight (the tool, not the spray).
 
Sly has never looked this good, or good, period. But it looks like he's taking care of himself, with the HGH, and all. Good for him.
 
A-C Slater is looking for a comeback vehicle, and he hasn't found it yet. In recent years, his career had a resurgence, because he managed to snag so many quality roles on TV. But if he wants to move from the kiddie, to the grown folks table, figuratively speaking, then he should step up his game. He needs to get a small part, in a critically acclaimed film, made by a top-tier director. I'm not saying he'll win an Oscar. But I think if he puts his mind to it, one day, he can attend a party at Brangelina's, and NOT get escorted out by security.
 
I didn't care for this movie too much, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't like it. But why play Russian Roulette: a bullet to the head is bad for your brain.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100
Sidenote: If you close your eyes, you may notice that Christian Slater and Jonah Hill have the same voice.

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100

Robot and Frank

ROBOT AND FRANK
PG-13
89 Minutes
Director: Jake Schreier
Writer: Christopher D. Ford
Stars: Peter Sarsgaard, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon

Frank and the Heaven's Gate Dude; the resemblance is uncannyCast
Frank Langella--Frank
James Marsden--Hunter
Liv Tyler--Madison
Susan Sarandon--Jennifer
Peter Sarsgaard--Robot (voice)

'Before allowing a machine to take over a part of your life, make sure that you know the true price you will be paying.'-OUTER LIMITS, S07E01, FAMILY VALUES (the episode with Tom Arnold)

Isaac Asimov's 'Laws of Robotics' aren't real laws. Lazy science-fiction writers often forget this. Do you know how many cats those 'Roomba' vacuum cleaners have killed? Zero, thus far, but who knows what the future holds.

Frank is a retired cat burglar. As a gift, he receives a robot, to help with household chores. But this android is capable of so much more. As a machine, he has no moral qualms about robbing people. His only responsibility is to serve Frank, as Frank sees fit. With two 'men', Frank can plan a heist.

This fictional robot is not comparable to A.I., BICENTENNIAL MAN, or 'Urkel-Bot'. Those characters were played by actors pretending to be robots. Although, strangely enough, only in BICENTENNIAL MAN, does Robin Williams come close to resembling a human being.

We're dealing with robot-looking robots here. A human-sounding, robot-looking android. If you want to hear my thoughts on robots that look like people, and whether it's okay to make love to a robot that looks like your wife's friend. You'll have to wait.

Frank's robot behaves like an impressionable child, a nagging wife, and a criminal mastermind. He's got a 'KITT', from KNIGHT-RIDER, demeanor. Resembling a LEGO STAR WARS SNOWTROOPER.

More than anything, ROBOT AND FRANK is a little boring. It seems as though the film maker was trying hard to make a point. But I can't decipher what that point actually was. That's not to say this film didn't explore interesting issues, it certainly did. One of those issues: man's emotional attachment to robots. But if you really wanted to explore this attachment, you could have just as easily watched FUTURAMA, or that movie with 'Number 5' and Steve Gutenberg.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

The Last Stand

THE LAST STAND
R
107 Minutes
Director: Jee-woon Kim
Writers: Andrew Knauer,  Jeffrey Nachmanoff, George Nolfi
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville

CAST
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Ray Owens
Forest Whitaker-Agent John Bannister
Eduardo Noriega-Gabriel Cortez
Rainier Wolfecastle-Dect. John Kimble

Last Action Hero?

It has always been tough, ignoring his Austrian accent, and pretending Arnold Schwarzenegger is a regular guy. But I guess, in part, that's what made his movies so entertaining.

The first half of this movie is excellent. From there...well, I wouldn't say things got boring, but eventually, I did lose interest in what was going on.

The basic blueprint of the story: 'Gabriel Cortez', a wealthy drug smuggler, is trying to escape federal custody. This guy is pure evil; you know he's bad, because Spanish is his first language.

As a former Mr Universe, he can carry a lot of things on his shoulders, but this movie wasn't one of them. He's not Stallone or Willis, Arnold just doesn't have enough personality to carry a whole movie. He's good in sci-fi-action-comedies, but where he really shines, is in movies featuring Sinbad, or Phil Hartman.

Forrest Whitaker, star of BATTLEFIELD EARTH. known in Hollywood circles as the only normal scientologist, has a large role in this film. He plays the head of the FBI. Oh, and another thing, try not to stare at his lazy eye.

Can Johnny Knoxville play a different character already? Look at the movie poster. He's wearing aviator goggles, that's crazy, he's not flying planes. His character, he's completely out of touch with reality.

THE LAST STAND has a simple plot, gratuitous violence, one-dimensional characters, and writing that was probably done by a DeVry graduate.Walking in, I knew this wasn't going to win any Oscars.  I wanted a fun movie, and I wanted to see some people get blown up. Yeah, people were shot, but no one was really blown up, and that's no fun.

Running the great state of California and that divorce, all of it, it sucked all of his vitality, and he's never really been that interesting.  This this reanimated corspe-of man, memorized his lines well enough. Sure, there were some okay one-liners, but overall, I'm disappointed with the lack of unintentional humor. Honestly, I'd expect more from one of the founders of 'Planet Hollywood'.

'Hasta la vista, baby.'

Final Verdict 60 out of 100

Stand Up Guys

STAND UP GUYS
R
95 Minutes
Director: Fisher Stevens
Writer: Noah Haidle
Al Pacino, Alan Arkin, Christopher Walken

CAST
Al Pacino--Val
Christopher Walken--Doc
Alan Arkin--Hirsch

I love Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. I thought I could watch these guys in anything; even if all they did was shovel cow manure for 95 minutes. But boy was I wrong, there is no excuse for spoon-feeding us this kind of bullshit.

Walken and Pacino play short-tempered criminals, on the verge of retirement. Criminals? Whoa, hold on a second, let me get a drink of water; I'm feeling a little light-headed from this shocking revelation. Look, I'm not saying these guys play ridiculous caricatures of themselves. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

After serving 28 years, Doc gets released from prison. He meets with Val for dinner, and they laugh and reminisce about the old days. Val and Doc: two best friends. One of them has to kill the other. A scenario like George and Lenny, in OF MICE AND MEN, except neither of these men are mentally challenged, in the traditional sense. Plus, the conclusion is a bit different.

Alan Arkin plays Hirsch, an old criminal, on his deathbed. Hirsch takes Val and Doc out on a joyride. Through some impressive maneuvering, and dazzling stuntsmanship. He manages to evade an entire police department, in only a few minutes.  Later on, we see Hirsch exhaling his last breath, in the back seat of the same car. Hmmmm, interesting, Hirsch driving a hearse.

You can't make a 95-minute assassin's tale,  without cutting a few corners. Like characters: if you use actors people are already familiar with, then there's no complicated back story. In a pinch, you can always get John Wayne to play a cowboy, or Jesse Eisenberg to play an awkward guy.

You can't pigeonhole this as a comedy, action, or dramatic piece. Because it's none of these. More than anything, this is an incomplete film.  I did like specific segments of the movie though.  Like when the 'bad guys' beat up the 'even worse' guys. But really, I think the best part was those new tracks by Bon Jovi. I wish I were joking, but at least he didn't ruin something that was good.

After watching STAND UP GUYS, One thing is clear, the actors in this movie are not 'Stand Up' guys. I'd say pardon the pun, but I'd be lying; I could never apologize for such clever wordplay.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Silver Lining's Playbook

SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK
R
122 Minutes
Director: David O. Russell
Writers: David O. Russell, Matthew Quick
Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro

'She drives me crazy and I can't help myself.' - FINE YOUNG CANIBALS (1989)

CAST
Bradley Cooper--Pat
Jennifer Lawrence--Tiffany
Robert De Niro-- Pat Sr.
Jacki Weaver--Dolores
Chris Tucker--Danny

Patrick is a bi-polar man, who had a violent meltdown. After serving some time in the 'loony bin', he gets released to his mother. I meant 'psychiatric hospital' not 'loony bin'. However difficult it may be, he's trying to move on with his life, staying positive.

Tiffany is a much younger woman. Because her husband died tragically, she has her own mental health issues to deal with. To me, she seems a little young to have a dead husband. I'm not sure you stay married once the person dies. But I suppose, poetically speaking, love is eternal.

It's not obvious, at first, but Tiffany and Patrick will become 'crazy in love', to quote Beyoncé.

Bradley Cooper is trying hard not to be that guy that was in THE HANGOVER, especially after that last sequel. Delibrately, he's trying to appear more intellectual in his film roles. But his efforts haven't been in vain. I'm just now beginnig the process of starting to like him.

In case you were wondering, those photos of Jennifer Lawrence in a bikini aren't real. You should probably put away the Jergens and Kleenex. Jennifer Lawrence always looked as competent as the other big names in this picture. She has a long future ahead of her. Dare I say: people might still go to see her movies after she becomes old and unattractive.

It's funny, a toned-down Chris Tucker is still able to play a mentally ill patient. All kidding aside, I do like this version of Chris Tucker.

Robert De Niro, isn't essential to SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK. He plays Patrick's dad. An OCD, compulsive gambler, who loves the Eagles. This is where I might say the Eagles football team, for clarification. But it's unnecessary; sure, a few people can tolerate 'The Eagles' band, but no one loves them.

Is this good enough to be nominated for Best Picture?

Not likely, no movie comes close to DJANGO UNCHAINED. I'm not even sure SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK is as good as Ben Affleck's film ('good as Ben Affleck's film' that phrase does sound funny).

While I could always sense where the movie was going, I still wanted to finish it. When the credits roll, you feel good, that is, unless you wanted something more than a 'feel good movie'.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Django Unchained

DJANGO UNCHAINED
R
165 Minutes
Director: Quintin Tarantino
Writer: Alan Thicke
Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio

'Southern Man when will you pay them back'
-Neil Young

Reach for the sky, Honky!Cast
Jamie Foxx--Django
Christoph Waltz--Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio--Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson--Steven

DJANGO UNCHAINED takes place in 1858, Greenville, Mississippi. Put that map away, and let me save everyone a bit of time: Mississippi is the state between Louisiana and Alabama.
 
DJANGO pays homage to many films, genres and characters. Which means much of this movie may already be familiar to you. Now, to elaborate on this further.
 
The title, and the bare-bones of the story, come from a few bizarre spaghetti-westerns. The titled  character, Django, is trying to rescue his estranged wife from a slave owner. This is done with extreme prejudice.  
 
Django is like Will Smith, in WILD WILD WEST; the black guy on WALKER TEXAS RANGER, and that character from BLAZING SADDLES... Gene Wilder.
 
Leonardo DiCaprio' character, the plantation owner, is based on Ted Turner, and 'Foghorn Leghorn'.

Sam Jackson's character, Steve, is part 'Uncle Ruckus, from THE BOONDOCKS. Part 'Uncle Ben'.

This Movie Is Off The Chain

In historical movies, there is usually is some white-washing of the past, it's inevitable, we live by different standards today. People forget what slavery was actually like. It wasn't just picking cotton in the fields. There were carnival rides, bouncy castles, clowns, candied apples, and daisy chains of joyful laughter. This movie is historically accurate (in some respects), and entertaining as hell, which is a difficult feat to carry out. This isn't just escapist fun: it's 'escapist' fun, for the characters.
 
I'm writing this as Tarantino accepts his Golden Globe for Best Screenplay. Well, since the Academy doesn't make a ton of mistakes... Oh, what's that? the Foreign Press Association does the Globes. Didn't they nominate THE TOURIST, a couple years ago. Nonetheless, they got it right, if only by coincidence.
 
Hmmmm, you might want to wait for the Oscars.
 
Final Verdict: 98 out 100  
Sidenote: I subtracted a couple of points, because Kurt Russell was supposed to be in this (to replace Kevin Costner). I just know he would've been perfect for the roll of 'plantation thug'. Without him, this movie falls just short of perfection.

Marked For Death (Retro)

MARKED FOR DEATH (1990)
R
93 Minutes
Director: Dwight H. Little
Writers: Michael Grais, Mark Victor
Steven Seagal, Keith David Joanna Pacula, Basil Wallace

Cast
Steven Seagal--John Hatcher
Basil Wallace--Screwface
Keith David--Max

    Give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.'
                 -John Hatcher

Before starting his career as a blues musician, and even before the Mountain Dew commercials. We had Steven Seagal in his prime. He's a man, widely regarded as the biggest asshole in Hollywood. But would the biggest asshole in Hollywood sexually harass Jenny McCarthy, while she auditions for UNDER SEIGE II. AND get anointed by the Dalai Lama? Perhaps.

John Hatcher, 35, retires from the DEA, after his partner gets killed. He takes this newly found abundance of free time, and does a little soul searching. John stops by the old neighborhood, and pays the family a visit, hanging out there for a bit.

'Since when did anyone ever accuse me of being sane?'

One day, while he's catching up with an old friend at the pub, trouble found him. Rastafarian, dope-pushers, spray the pub with oozys. Reluctantly, he  comes out of retirement. He can no longer ignore the thugs that have taken the town hostage.

Screwface has been pushing crack to high school kids. But he's not all bad, he gives kids free samples during school functions.

So he teaches the drug king pin...Damien Marley... I mean 'Screwface' a lesson in manners. Screwface vows revenge.

So What's The Deal With The Title?

    'It's an African black magic symbol. lt was used by the Jamaican drug gang the other night...
    you've talked or exposed them...and have been marked for death... This may seem ridiculous
    to you, Hatcher, but these people are for real. Your family has been marked.'

Time To Bring Out The Big Guns

Most of the movie, he's rocking the stone-washed jeans, and a black sports coat. It's the fashion equivalent to the mullet: business on top, and party on the bottom. He enhances this, already spectacular ensemble, with a Madison Avenue ponytail. Way to 'discipline your image'... man.

If you pay attention closely, you'll notice a young, Danny Trejo. No, wait, that guy was born 50 years old.

Because they are all so similar, it's completely unnecessary to review any other Steven Seagal movie, but I still might, it's all just too much fun.

Steven Seagal is a student of eastern philosophy, and appropriately enough, his movie is like the Yin-Yang symbol. MARKED FOR DEATH, simultaneously, manages to be both bad and good; striking the right balance between two opposing forces, and achieving perfection.

Final Verdict: 100 out 100

Jack Reacher

JACK REACHER
PG-13
130 Minutes
Director: Christopher McQuarrie
Writers: Lee Child, Christopher McQuarrie
Tom Cruise, Richard Jenkins, Rosamund Pike, Werner Herzog

Cast
Tom Cruise--Reacher
Rosamund Pike--Helen
Werner Herzog--The Zec
Robert Duvall--Cash

Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie... so the cops knew internal affairs were setting them up?
Man: What are you talking about theres nothing like that in there
Homer: Well y'see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.
THE SIMPSONS, 5F23

You Don't Know Jack

Take a close look at the opening credits. You'll see it's produced by Tom Cruise. In all fairness, this is mainly because people are weirded out by him. Just like John Travolta, the only way he can get work, is by being in his own movie.

Our story begins when a sniper kills four people. But this isn't the work of some crazed lunatic. Well it is, but it's not the one you're thinking of. The main suspect is in a coma. Jack is trying to prove this man's innocence. Powerful people framed the suspect, and Mr. Reacher has to untangle this complex web of deceit, lies, and  corruption.

Hit The Road Jack

Jack Reacher is a bad-ass:  a quick-witted dude, with the ingenuity of MacGyver. He is a drifter, but not just any drifter, one who plays by his own rules. He's like that guy on PRISON BREAK.

Helen is the lawyer representing the suspect. Tom Cruise plays one of her temporary employees, a 'paralegal' of sorts.  There's a sexual tension between these two that's impossible to ignore. While in a hotel room, very casually, Jack offs the shirt he's wearing. She tells him to put his shirt back on, but it's not very convincing. You think something will happen, but unfortunately, things have to stay PG-13.

Soon as you think you got everything figured out: Bam! It was the black guy. I knew it; he was just too gung-ho about this investigation. Filmmakers don't want to look racist. Interestingly enough, this racial bias, brings about a mammoth plot twist.

If you think Robert Duvall has played far too many old cowboys, you're in for a welcome surprise. In this movie, he plays a shooting range owner... that wears a cowboy hat.

Werner Herzog plays a brutish, criminal overlord.  As a documentary filmmaker, this is the part he was born to play: a maniacal sociopath. In this role, he's absolutely splendid.

My Criticism

Overall, this film ended too smoothly. The cop chase scene was a little too 'BLUES BROTHERS'. And with the villains, they're cunning criminals, in one moment, yet, in the next scene, they're literally like 'The 3 Stooges'. I find it difficult to suspend disbelief when people are acting so cartoonishly stupid.

JACK REACHER is just good enough to not be labeled as a bad movie. If you want to see this type of movie, except better, watch MICHAEL CLAYTON (2007).

Final Verdict: 74 out of 100

This is 40

THIS IS 40
R
134 Minutes
Director: Judd Apatow
Writer: Judd Apatow
Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Albert Brooks, John Lithgow

Cast
Paul Rudd--Pete
Leslie Mann--Debbie
Maude Apatow--Sadie
Iris Apatow--Charlotte
John Lithgow--Oliver
Megan Fox--Desi
Albert Brooks--Larry

I've always given Judd Apatow a free pass because I love FREAKS AND GEEKS (1999) so much.  But not all his projects of been so excellent. Still, to his credit, he hasn't had any epic, Adam Sandler-scale failures, thus far.

THIS IS 40 picks up where KNOCKED UP left off. Except, the main character,  Seth Rogen, isn't around. I get the feeling that Seth was probably in the first draft of the screenplay, in some capacity, but couldn't appear in it because he was doing that other 'comedy' with 'Babs'. It's frustrating, I'm curious and I'd like a little closure. How did it all worked for those two crazy kids, and their love child? And what about that pornographic website start-up? It was supposed to make enough income to pay for the kid's future ivy league education.

Lesley Mann is the wife of Judd Apatow. So it's merely coincidental,  that she and her two daughters star in the movie he directed. Oh, man, I wish there was an emoticon for sarcasm. This is the worst case of nepotism since the Wayans family debacle on IN LIVING COLOR. But in reality, the Apatow clan functions exceptionally well, as both a fictional and a real family. It certainly made for a better, more authentic movie.

Debbie's father is played by John Lithgow. He's one of the more fascinating characters in the story. There's a side to this actor I've never noticed. Because of his role on CLIFFHANGER, and (1993) THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN; I'm used to John Lithgow acting all flamboyant, and animated.  Even when he played that psychopath on DEXTER;  the character was a low-key, serious guy, who never made a spectacle of himself. John's  character, in this film, is very dead-pan, perfecting a very Newhart-ian style of comedy.

Megan Fox...looking good. She's a damn fine prostitute ...in this movie, that is.

The actors, themselves, are not to blame for the film's shortcomings. There's a depth to the characters that's not often seen in comedies. The problem lies within the narrative.  The script wanders too far, and too often. The right conclusion can make up for all that wandering. But here, the conclusion just doesn't feel right. Like an afterthought.

In summary: the only thing wrong with this movie is the lack of fart and dick jokes.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Fred Claus

FRED CLAUS (2007)
PG
116 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Dan Fogelman, Jessie Nelson Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Elizabeth Banks

CAST
Vince Vaughn-Fred Claus
Paul Giamatti-Nick 'Santa' Claus
Elizabeth Banks-Charlene
Kevin Spacey-Clyde

Merry Christmas Everbody

FRED CLAUS reeks of mediocrity. It's not the worst Christmas movie ever made. But it is one of the most boring ones.

Plot wise, every Santa movie is about trying to get enough toys made before Christmas eve.

Paul Giamatti is over-qualified to play Santa. His lack of enthusiasm for the role is impossible to ignore. It looks as though he's only in FRED CLAUS as a result of black male, or an addiction to prescription pain killers

There's one, intentionally funny scene, when Fred goes to 'Siblings Anonymous'. Billy Baldwin, Roger Clinton, and Frank Stallone all complain about living in the shadow of a successful brother.

And Now For Some Unintentional Humor

'Clyde, played by Kevin Spacey, is an efficiency expert. A hard-nosed bureaucrat; he wants to shut down Santa's whole operation. We find out this 'Clyde' character is only bitter from not getting a particular present from Santa as a child. In the scene where Santa confronts Spacey's character, things get too melodramatic. Here is some dialogue:

Santa: Four-Eyed Clyde. I bet that's what they called you. I don't know what you're talk...Oh, and do you think that after a while of being called Four-Eyed Clyde... you maybe got a little angry? Maybe you started a fight or two. Maybe 10, maybe 12. So you asked me for something. A Superman cape. Because you thought that that was gonna change everything.

Clyde: This is ridiculous.

Santa: So you decide to stay Four-Eyed Clyde? Because Clark Kent wore glasses! But when he turned into Superman...he didn't need those darn glasses anymore, did he? Oh, Clyde. It was wrong of me not to give you that gift, Clyde. I fear that I had a very incorrect... misguided understanding of naughty children. So this may be a little late. You wanna put it on?

Clyde: Mr. Claus, I'm a 45-year-old man, I'm not...

Santa: Put it on...for me
(End Scene)

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. You may of unwrapped all your presents, and you're probably done watching Christmas movies. But with my gift to you, you now have knowledge of, and are able to avoid this sub par movie. And that's something that will last a lifetime.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Ernest Save Christmas (Retro)

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS (1988)(Retro)
PG
95 Minutes
Director: John R. Cherry III
Writers: Ed Turner, B. Kline
Jim Varney, Douglas Seale and Oliver Clark

Cast
Jim Varney     ...Ernest P. Worrell
Douglas Seale     ...Santa
Oliver Clark     ...Joe Carruthers

Well, there you go.
I messed things up, like always.
Only now, I messed up Christmas
for everybody. My favorite time of year,
and I blew it! -Ernest (Movie Dialogue)

The Importance of Being Ernest

After A CHRISTMAS STORY, and before HOME ALONE, we had ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS.

Culturally, 1988 was awful.  It was so awful, that ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS was not the worst movie to come out that year.

Ernest was a character invented by studio executives in the 80s. For those of my readers who don't remember the cultural phenomenon of 'Ernest'; shame on you, I'm embarrassed for the both of us. For those of you who have seen every 'Ernest' movie, stop reading my review, enough of your time has been wasted.

Varney's character was the personification, and embodiment of all 'THREE STOOGES'. The problem is, slapstick lost its appeal 50 years ago. Ernest is more slapdick comedy; the way he jerks us around, without arriving at any humorous climax.

Like 'Gallagher', There is no explaining why people liked him. Or how he hung around, just long enough, to permanently secure a spot on the Parthenon of American pop culture.

With ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS, Ernest impersonates a variety of characters, with stunning accuracy.  Lawyer, snake caretaker, elderly woman, and actor. And so it seems, Dana Carvey, the 'Master of Disguise, doesn't have a monopoly on impersonating multiple characters in the same film.

Jim Varney spent a large part of his life  portraying 'Ernest', before moving on as a distinguished thespian in the Royal Shakespeare Company.  That last part was a mistake. I was confusing Jim Varney with Ian McKellen...again. Sincerest apologies.

Truthfully, as far as his legacy is concerned, Varney probably wants to be  remembered for his later voiceover work, as well as that bizarre cameo on the last season of ROSEANNE, but not as some yokel in a denim vest. Unfortunately, there is no reversing the damage already done.

Not everything is wrong with this movie. Young children might like it, I know I loved it, that is, before knowing any better. On a positive note, Douglas Seale does give us the best depiction of Santa in cinematic history. It's just a shame, he had to be in such a poor movie.

Final Verdict: 10 out 100

Sidenote:  The Ernest thing isn't done yet, check out this story: Ernest Gets a Reboot with Son of Ernest. End this madness, now, please, let's not corrupt another generation of America. We need people to collect my bed pans, when I'm at a nursing home.

Thunderstruck

THUNDERSTRUCK
PG
102 Minutes
Director: John Whitesell
Writers: Eric Champnella, Jeff Farley
Kevin Durant, Taylor Gray, James Belushi

CAST
Kevin Durant      Himself
Taylor Gray         Brian
James Belushi   Coach Amross

BLUE CHIPS, WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP, ABOVE THE RIM , BLACK AND WHITE, SPACE JAM, HE GOT GAME, HOOSIERS, CELTIC PRIDE, BIG AND HARRY, and TEEN WOLF. What do all these basketball movies have in common?

None of them are as bad as THUNDERSTRUCK.

Brian is a 16 year-old boy who lives within the greater OKC area. While at a Thunder game, he wins a raffle, and gets a chance to shoot the basketball from half court. Brick! He misses the basket, in a most spectacular fashion, knocking the buffalo-headed mascot unconscious.

The next scene is at the funeral of the buffalo mascot. Just kidding, he doesn't die...or maybe he does. The person inside might be a replacement, you don't know.

The next day, all the kids in school make fun of him, because they always have, it goes with the territory of being a dork. This incident makes it much more difficult for him to look like one of those 'cool guys'. The type of guy Isabel Sánchez goes for. And it's too bad because he's really got a crush on her.

You know how this type of movie goes down. We've all seen ROOKIE OF THE YEAR. Well, at least I have.  Brian becomes the world's greatest basketball player.

With all the success of high school basketball, he became a giant prick. His real friends abandoned him. And that Sánchez girl, she wants nothing to do with him.

Kevin Durant's agent notices the NBA baller's moves have mysteriously vanished. There's only one logical explanation: an accidental talent transfer between two people, right after that half-court shot.

The time comes to make things right.  The mascot has to get hit in the head again, to reverse the talent transfer.

The only realistic part of the movie was the basketball coach. I could see Jim Belushi, the person, really coaching high school basketball. After he runs out of ACCORDING TO JIM royalties, he may have to settle down with a regular gig, and get married to someone about as attractive as he is.

THUNDERSTRUCK is a blatant rip-off of the Lil' Bow Wow movie, LIKE MIKE. Surprisingly, LIKE MIKE is not so bad. Mostly, because they used NBA players...that played basketball in the movie. In this film, we don't see nearly enough, real basketball action.

As a player, and a player of basketball, I respect Kevin Durant. There are no hard feelings, from this bitter Sonics fan. I'm just disappointed with him, and some of the decisions he's made.

Final Verdict: 24 out of 100

Cloud Atlas

CLOUD ATLAS
PG-13
165 Minutes
Directors: Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
Writers: David Mitchell, Lana Wachowski, Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski
Tom Hanks, Susan Sarandon, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent

Cast (I know it's a mess, but that's not my fault.)

Tom Hanks... Dr. Henry Goose / Hotel Manager / Isaac Sachs / Dermot Hoggins / Cavendish Look-a-Like Actor / Zachry
Halle Berry... Native Woman / Jocasta Ayrs / Luisa Rey / Indian Party Guest / Ovid / Meronym
Jim Broadbent ... Captain Molyneux / Vyvyan Ayrs / Timothy Cavendish / Korean Musician / Prescient 2
Hugo Weaving... Haskell Moore / Tadeusz Kesselring / Bill Smoke / Nurse Noakes / Boardman Mephi / Old Georgie
Jim Sturgess... Adam Ewing / Poor Hotel Guest / Megan's Dad / Highlander / Hae-Joo Chang / Adam / Zachry Brother-in-Law
Doona Bae ... Tilda / Megan's Mom / Mexican Woman / Sonmi-451 / Sonmi-351 / Sonmi Prostitute
Ben Whishaw ... Cabin Boy / Robert Frobisher / Store Clerk / Georgette / Tribesman
Keith David... Kupaka / Joe Napier / An-kor Apis / Prescient
James D'Arcy... Young Rufus Sixsmith / Old Rufus Sixsmith / Nurse James / Archivist
Xun Zhou... Talbot / Hotel Manager / Yoona-939 / Rose
David Gyasi ... Autua / Lester Rey / Duophsyte
Susan Sarandon... Madame Horrox / Older Ursula / Yusouf Suleiman / Abbess
Hugh Grant... Rev. Giles Horrox / Hotel Heavy / Lloyd Hooks / Denholme Cavendish / Seer Rhee / Kona Chief

This is a complex story, far too difficult for me to summarize with words, due to personal laziness. Nonetheless, I will review this random collection of sights and sounds, called CLOUD ATLAS.

There are 6 intertwined stories. From the mid 19th century to 2144. Most of the actors play 6 different characters from different eras.  The make up is done so well, that this cost-cutting measure is barely noticeable.

If I eat breakfast at Denny's, I won't be disappointed with my food. Because my expectations were low to begin with. Halle Berry and Hugh Grant are different, they aren't a couple of 'Grand Slams' (in both senses of that term). All they've done, thus far, is shoot par on their own course. Even if it's just by accident, they will eventually give a passable performance. And so, this eventuality has now become a reality. They gave us something passable; CLOUD ATLAS is their magnus opus...wait...I meant magna opera, that's the correct plural form of magnus opus...my bad.

I'm not saying CLOUD ATLAS is good because of Berry and Grant, but rather it's good despite their presence; it's only a coincidence. The missing variable is Tom Hanks. He's like that lemon slice you use to make Miller High Life more palatable. This 'Bosom Buddy' can make less-than-stellar actors look good. There are limits, though. All the Tom Hanks in the world, won't make Gary Busey look good, or human for that matter.

Some may not care for how long the movie is, or its erratic narrative. I could say, I found it deep and profound. But I can't anticipate your reaction. Who knows? Perhaps the film's message will fall upon deaf ears. It's really not my place to be so judgmental.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Christmas in Compton

CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON
93 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Raynr
Writers: Suzanne Broderick, Robert Fedor
Sheryl Lee Ralph, Keith David, Omar Gooding

 ...let me read you this one
Christmas in Compton
it was a silent night,
yes a holy night
until Mr. Claus turned into Santa
muthafuckin' right?
-MERRY MUTHAFUCKIN' X-MAS, EAZY-E

CAST
Porscha Coleman...Kendra  Campbell
Keith David ... Big Earl
Omar Gooding ...Derrick Hollander

I don't see what could go wrong. Combining two things I love: G-Funk and Christmas. Like at the grocery store, DiGornio pizza is sometimes packaged with chocolate chip cookies, so you don't have to burn empty calories, walking to separate isles trying to put a complete meal together.

I have this image of Eazy-E. Someone discovers his memoirs. And in the middle of that Trapper Keeper, there's an unfinished screenplay. Entitled, 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON'. This movie would be about robbing liquor stores to help pay for expensive AIDS drugs.

In the City...City of Compton

Compton is not a real city, it only exists in rap lyrics. To my chagrin, the title 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON', is a misnomer, and a marketing gimmick. No member of NWA, The Dogg Pound Gang, or Death Row Records, had any involvement with this film.  And my childhood fantasy of a AK's, Ol' English, and Santa delivering presents in a cherry '64; will always be, just that, a fantasy.

Keith David is a B+ actor. He's that guy you would mistake with the clerk on NIGHT COURT, Charles Robinson. Although now, there is probably less confusion, as NIGHT COURT'S popularity has waned considerably, following its cancellation.

A Wild and Crazy Kid

Closing in on 40; Omar Gooding is gotten away with playing the same character for 20 years. To his credit, he has aged more gracefully than other Nickelodeon game show hosts. Such as, Mark Summers and Mike O'Malley.

I Don't Like to Dream About Getting Paid

This film center on Derek Hollander is an amateur music producer. Who has a grand dream of becoming wealthy enough to get straight out of Compton forever.  Meanwhile, he's working at his dad's Christmas tree stand. Just to clarify, they sell Christmas trees there. It's not a business that sells a single Christmas tree stand.

Bah! Humbug!

Every bad Christmas movie ends the same way. The main character screws up, disappointing everyone in his life. But just in the 'Saint Nick' of time, he makes up for his wrongdoing, by way of a miracle. And now, everyone is better off than they would have been, had this parasite not coming to their lives.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Red Dawn

RED DAWN
PG-13
114 Minutes
Director: David Bradley
Writers: Carl Ellsworth, Jeremy Passmore, Kevin Reynolds, John Milius
Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, Erica Martin, Jed Eckert, Dan Lewis

Who is that handsome devil? It's local TV anchor, Dan Lewis. The picture is from LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT (2002). Another acting role of his. Cast
Josh Peck...Matt Eckert
Josh Hutcherson...Robert Kitner
Isabel Lucas...Erica Martin
Chris Hemsworth...Jed Eckert

Sometimes, remaking a bad movie works out.  If expectations are low to begin with, success is all but inevitable.

RED DAWN has sat on the shelf for about 2 years. The film makers were waiting for the right time to release it. But there is no right time to release this blitzkrieg on my intellectual faculties.

Walking in, all I wanted from this movie, was to see some communists get blown up. Not that terrorism is something to make light of. It's funny, but not ha-ha funny, more of a 'freaking hilarious' type funny. After his death, Kim Jong Il's brother, Menta Lee took power. And this time... it's 'no more Mr. Nice Guy'.

In this latest RED DAWN, Patrick Swayze was nowhere to be seen.  This alone is blasphemous beyond comprehension. I know he's dead, but it's no coincidence that they waited until the one, Sir Patrick Swayze was gone before starting this project. I'm not certain, it could very well be a coincidence, but maybe not. All I know is Jesse Ventura has an answer.

If I were North Korea, and planned on invading America, Spokane would be low on my list of places to make base camp. I might avoid the city altogether. They already have it bad enough living in Spokane. This  communism thing isn't for everyone.

Josh Peck usually plays dorky characters. Here he's playing a high school quarterback. Even though Josh lost a bunch of weight. He still doesn't look like much of an athlete. Not a major flaw, but it's like Sly Stallone playing a physics professor at MIT.

For those of you unfamiliar with Josh Peck. He was on the Nickelodeon sitcom, JOSH AND DRAKE (2004-2007). I'm basing this on exhaustive research. Not that I'm a regular watcher of Nickelodeon...anymore...this week.

In the original RED DAWN (1984), everything is far-fetched, but at least with the Soviets, you know they were a worthy adversary. With the North Koreans, you mostly pity them. China invading the United States, that's something that will definitely happen eventually. A Chinese invasion scenario would've made a better movie. Chinese stereotypes are funnier, and they would appeal more to RED DAWN'S target demographic: 13-year old boys with learning disabilities.

This is a bad movie remake that took itself way too seriously. Usually, I would advise against watching a movie like this. But not this time. Rent this movie, look at the special features, and you may see the real ending they forgot to put in the theatrical release.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

Skyfall

SKYFALL
PG-13
143 Minutes
Director: Sam Mendes
Writers: Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, John Logan, Ian Fleming
Daniel Cwraig, Javier Bardem, Naomie Harris

'Sometimes the old ways are the best.' -Movie Dialogue

CAST
Daniel Craig ... James Bond
Judi Dench ... M
Javier Bardem ... Silva Naomie Harris ... Eve
Wolf Blitzer ... Situation Room Corespondant

A complex plot, I won't bore you with the details; as I'm piecing this review together with only the theatrical trailer and interviews with the people involved with SKYFALL. All you need to know is a professional hit man (not the wrestler) killed a colleague and now it's time for the perpetrator to die hard with a vengeance.

Yes, this is one more action movie involving computer hacking, and decrypted Excel spreadsheets. But it's not as boring as it sounds.

SKYFALL takes a more serious tone than earlier Bond films. This time around, we find out much more about James Bond the character, and his past.

It took many a year, but Agent Constant Drinking has finally caught up with James Bond. But he's still up to the task.

Additionally, M's superiors are trying to make her voluntarily retire. Throughout her long tumultuous career she's carelessly endangered the lives of many her agents, and now she must answer for her many transgressions.

Just because someone is 'chronologically challenged', doesn't mean they can't do the same things a younger person can ... in a way that is much less efficient.

No one is getting fired or forced into early retirement. The only termination that's going on is those of other people's lives.

Call Christopher Walken and have him give his creepiest guy in the world...I mean creepiest Bond villain trophy to this guy. The actor who portrays the villain in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is in this. Here, he's just as creepy...well maybe not. It's tough to compete with that guy.

Daniel Craig has only been in three of these Bond films. After the next  couple of 007 movies. I imagine Daniel Craig will want to play other roles; like former James Bond actor in a Gray Goose Vodka commercial.

If I may address one complaint. After Eve almost kills him with a sniper rifle, Bond later goes on to say, 'you gave it your best shot'. It's bad writing, and it's bad comedy, no excuses.  This is a legitimate criticism, and not just a pot shot.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100