Spring Breakers

SPRING BREAKERS
R
94 Minutes
Director: Harmony Korine
Writer: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez, James Franco, Gucci Mayne

Cast
James Franco…Alien
Selena Gomez…Faith
Vanessa Hudgens…Candy
Ashley Benson…Brit
Rachel Korine… Cotty
Heather Morris…Bess
Gucci Mane … Archie

Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(Let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill)
-GRILLZ, Nelly

Florida, the state, not the character from GOOD TIMES, is one of those places I would like to think doesn’t exist. A lie, made up solely to scare young children.

Ponce de León searched for the fountain of youth in Florida. But his efforts were in vain. Little did he know, Florida is a place for people who have entirely given up on life.

This movie is about a group of girls that, very violently, rob a chicken restaurant, getting close to $50,000 dollars. All so they can go on a spring break that never ends.

Everyone here seems like unrealistic caricatures. But it’s all done for good reason. SPRING BREAKERS has one foot in a reality, and another in a separate galaxy. The movie is a film version of a concept album.

He followed Joaquin Phoenix on the set of I’M STILL HERE as research for the role.

‘Alien’ is supposed to be based off small-time rapper, ‘Dangeruss’. But there’s more to his character than that. As a casual observer, I see pieces of Paul Wall, Dirt Nasty, and pre-seizure, Lil Wayne. Also, the name ‘Alien’ is a nod to the Outkast album, ATLIENS.

I ‘m not familiar with Selena Gomez, or her ‘WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE’. All I know is that seeing her in this makes me feel like a pedophile.

He stayed in character for a whole year, corn rows and all. Which made Selena Gomez think James Franco really was a creepy guy. That’s a brilliant move, plausible deniability. This is an example of a conversation the two might have:                     

I’m not hittin’ on you,  your half my age. I’m staying in character to maintain the integrity of this here movie. As James Franco, it’s only natural that your sexual fantasies involve me.  I think you’re letting your imagination get the best of you. While were on the set, could you please try to keep things professional. Now go rinse your mouth out with Scope.

I like this movie, it is a deeply disturbing, unforgettable experience.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

23 Minutes To Sunrise

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE
NR
80 Minutes
Director: Jay Kanzler
Writers: Patrick Pinkston, Jay Kanzler
Eric Roberts, Nia Peeples, Bob Zany

Cast
Daniel…Julia Robert’s Brother
Rachel…Mia Peeples
Eddie…Dingani Bess
Ted…Bob Zany
Sheila …Jilanne Klaus
Hannah…Haley Busch

‘Pssst… psssssst…  Are you afraid to die, or do you wanna live forever …’
-2pac, ONLY FEAR OF DEATH

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE reminds me of that NIGHTHAWKS painting. A bunch of miserable people eating at a corner diner, watching 23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE on television. Most of this film takes place at a diner.

Something about this diner is a bit off; maybe it’s the cherry pie.  It’s not hell, we know that much. The only restaurants in hell are Denny’s and IHOP. Maybe Arby’s, depending on which circle of Dante’s hell you happen to reside in.  Either way, there would be Muzak with Lenny Kravitz ‘FLY AWAY’ playing on a constant loop. 

‘Some people are afraid to die; sometimes, I think waking up alive seems worse.’
 
These are the words of an intriguing line cook at a late-night diner. His tours in both, Iraq and Afghanistan, have filled his soul with an existential thirst, which can never be quenched, not even with the mightiest chalice of Sprite . His figurative wounds can only be healed with a pen and paper. Eddie is using GI Bill money to take an English class at the University…of Devry.

Daniel is one of many shady people, eating at the diner.  He’s there with, what appears to be, a 30-year old female. She has 23 minutes to trade her immortality with an unsuspecting diner patron (I don’t understand how 23 minutes get stretched out to 80).

I like how they went with the name Daniel. Nothing too clever, like ‘John Milton’, ‘Joe Black’, or ‘Grim Reaper’. Just Daniel.

Eric Roberts, you might recognize him as the villain from THE SPECIALIST.  On the small screen, he is known for his cameo on CELEBRITY REHAB.

An interesting premise, that fails to explore significant questions. Trim this down, and this could be the opening scene in an X-FILES episode.

Immorality has its perks and its drawbacks. Immortality though, that’s the business, there is only upside. Even someone with eternal life, might not have enough time to see this eighty minute film.

Final Verdict: 43 out of 100

Oz The Great And Powerful

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
PG
130 Minutes
Director: Sam Raimi
Writers: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire, L. Frank Baum
James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis

I banish you from the Emerald City, never to return.
-Seattle Municipal Court Judge  (Katt Williams vs The State of Washington)

Cast
James Franco–Oz
Mila Kunis–Theodora
Rachel Weisz–Evanora
Michelle Williams–Annie / Glinda
Zach Braff–Frank / Finley
Bill Cobbs–Master Tinker
Joey King–Girl in Wheelchair / China Girl

Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
The world’s a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
-THE FIFTH DIMENSION
 
This film begins in black and white. Oz leaves  a crime scene in a hot air balloon, in the middle of a tornado. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a Skittles commercial, unlike any other.

Try, Try, Try To Understand…..I’m A Magic Man

As illustrated in first WIZARD OF OZ (1939). The ‘wizard’, was actually incapable of granting wishes. This wizard was a fraud. People are deceived by appearances, and he used this to his advantage. Still, he uses this ability for a noble purpose.

Kunis, Williams, and Franco: sitcom  stars of the 90′s unite. Surprisingly, Melissa Joan Hart has no part of this. She should’ve at least had a small cameo, it would be a joke… that only I would get.

I don’t understand this Kingdom Of Oz. Who’s to say a traditional monarchy is right for people of Oz? I would have strived to create a more just, democratic society. Look at roads, they are literally paved with gold. All because a tyrant wanted it that way.

Good Witch…Good Grief

Good witch, it sounds like a contradiction in terms; like a cokehead comedian. A good witch is not a witch at all, she (or he) more closely resembles a fairy godmother.
There’s a monkey in this movie. It’s about the most god damn adorable monkey I’ve ever seen. Think Ross’s monkey on FRIENDS. Except, it can talk, fly, and not interact with David Schwimmer.

I thought the monkey was played by Billy Crystal. But it was that guy from SCRUBS. I had all these Billy Crystal jokes ready. You’re just going to have to wait for Billy Crystal to do a bad movie to hear them.

There's No Place Like Home

The film is done with the right amount of seriousness. Yet there’s acknowledgement to the ridiculousness of it all. Much akin to the first SHREK.

OZ lacks depth, realistic characters, and musical numbers. This movie is good enough to check out, but it’s not essential viewing. If you are looking for something to sync up with the DARKSIDE OF THE MOON, I suggest you look elsewhere.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Sidenote: I’m always confusing Munchkins with Oompa-Loompas. I can’t be the only one.
Side-Sidenote: If you want to see an Oz film without token black actors. You might want to watch THE WHIZ (1978). Starring Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

Small Soldiers (Retro)

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998)
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Joe Dante
Writers: Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Kirsten Dunst, Gregory Smith, David Cross

Cast
David Cross–Irwin Wayfair
Gregory Smith–Alan Abernathy
Kirsten Dunst–Christy Fimple
Phil Hartman–Phil Fimple

SMALL SOLDIERS
Why it's not as bad as you think
An Essay By E. Dunn

SMALL SOLDIERS is one of those films that if you didn’t see it at a movie theater, you probably never bothered renting it on video. This movie never really got it’s due. Because it wasn’t the movie people were expecting. Also, releasing it two weeks before SAVING PRIVATE RYAN didn’t help much. In film, war is something to be glorified; not something to be thoughtfully examined.

I watched SMALL SOLDIERS on my 14th birthday. I had  the Burger King toys. And I bought the soundtrack, even though most of those songs weren’t  even in the movie. I like the way Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony re’hash’ed Edwin Starr’s WAR; that is one crunchy, stone grove. The marketing was out of control. Just look at that image at the top of the page. I don’t recall any karate fighting in the movie, yet we have the ‘Rock’em Sock’em Robots’ knock off, ‘Karate Fighters’.

Things That Made The Film Watchable

Those involved thought this project was a good idea. They brought in the animatronics guy from JURASSIC PARK.
Tommy Lee Jones, and the original ‘DIRTY DOZEN’ did the Commando Elite. The Gorgonites were done mostly by members of Spinal Tap.

This movie had plenty of shortcomings. Mostly with the live-action parts. I could have lived without the prepubescent romance between Christy (Dunst) and Alan (Smith). Oh man, Alan is in for a rude awakening when he finds out Dunst’s character doesn’t really go for dorky, Peter Parker-esque-type characters.

There Are Many Questions:

• What does destiny mean?
• Did the technology for self-aware action figures exist in 1998?
• When do they run out of batteries?

The Eternal Battle Between Good And Evil

When I did intramural softball in middle school, I was the team captain. On the first day, without consulting my teammates, I came up with ‘The Freaks’, as our team name, and we weren’t very good. So I could relate to the plight of the Gorgonites.  I have a soft spot in my heart for those who aren’t good at doing things.

The Commando Elite fought the Gorgonites. And like the Detroit Lions, Gorgonites are programmed to lose. Eventually, they will go on to question this programming. These intelligent creatures teach us that many great things are accomplished with nonviolent resistance. But they also know that some conflicts can’t be resolved peacefully. Hence Archer’s bow and arrow.

Conclusion

I have mixed feelings on SMALL SOLDIERS. The title isn’t misleading, that’s a plus. But the more interesting characters don’t get enough screen time. While it doesn’t quite reach the level of greatness; it’s more than a grenade’s throw away from awful.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

A Good Day To Die Hard

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
97 Minutes
R
Director: John Moore
Writers: Skip Woods, Roderick Thorp
Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Cast
Bruce Willis–John McClane
Jai Courtney–Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch–Komarov
Mary Elizabeth Winstead–Lucy
Yuliya Snigir–Irina

‘Code red, code red.’
-Bruce Willis, THE SIEGE (1998)

(Insert Yaknov Smirnov Joke Here)

Take Your Kid To Work Day: The Movie…To The Extreme

All aboard! The 80s-Action-Movie-Express-Train blew passed the station, and shows no sign of slowing down. It’s about to jump the rails, hit the napalm factory, and plow right into the orphanage, the one adjacent to the factory.

After RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES films, I’m no longer nostalgic for the action stars of yesteryear. The irony, it’s gone. The next time I see Chuck Norris, it better be in an AARP commercial.

If you were wondering, ‘Die Hard’ is a reference to the battery; it’s not about the erection men get after becoming deceased.

John McClane goes to Moscow to give the Cold War a real ending. He thinks his son, Jack, has P-OD-ED on some top-notch pharmaceuticals. But really, Jack is a CIA spy. And so, there you have it, father and son, fighting Russian gangsters. John worked too much when Jack was growing up. But worry not, they’ll patch things up quickly; you only need a couple of hours to undo 30 years of resentment.

Here’s where it gets interesting… Just kidding, it never gets interesting.

After the first half hour, you lose all hope of seeing a good movie. From there, they don’t even bother giving us one decent scene.

The last DIE HARD had some problems, but it was still watchable. This latest DIE HARD can only be described as a violent, action-packed clusterfuck.

Bruce Willis just memorized a bunch of one-liners. Like, ‘I’m here, where’s my God-Damn paycheck?’

Willis has a serious case of ‘Tim Allen Syndrome’; where he’s gotten a little too comfortable with one particular role, like ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘John McClane’.

DIE HARD is not without positive attributes. What I liked most, the film’s brevity. It isn’t overly long, and that’s not so bad. Also, I love the part where John crashes through the window of an office building, and the other scene where he crashed through a window. That was cool.

Several times, John McClane mentions that he’s on vacation. And I say yes, he most certainly was.

I’m too young for this shit.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100

Bullet To The Head

BULLET TO THE HEAD
R
92 Minutes
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Alessandro Camon, Alexis Nolent
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Cast
Sylvester Stallone--James Bonomo
Sung Kang--Taylor Kwon
Christian Slater--Marcus Baptiste
'Mr. Eko' from LOST-- Robert Nkomo Morel

Movie Quote...

Sung Lang: Are you fucking insane? You don't just kill a guy like this...
James Bonomo: I just did.

Stallone and Kang: in the unlikeliest comedy duo since TANGO AND CASH. No wait, I think David Duke and Malcom X would be the unlikeliest comedy duo. But strictly speaking, this film isn't a comedy, or at least an intentional one.

Brains and brawn, beauty and the geek. One's clean-cut and the other's rough around the edges.

You might think this looks like an Owen Wilson-Jackie Chan-type duo. But you'd be wrong. I think one could argue, with the criminal-cop dynamic, and the racial clash, Bonomo and Kwon, are most like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 HOURS.

    'That's all we expect of man, this side the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.'
    -Robert Browning quoted at the beginning of GET CARTER (2000)
 
James Bonomo, part Rocky, part Rambo, part...just doesn't give a shit. By all appearances, this man is an honest criminal. But he's sees himself as an irredeemable nogoodnic, who no longer wants to be bothered.
 
You've seen this movie before. There's an investigation, police corruption, internal affairs gets involved, the police chief knows what's really going on, and is in on everything. Stallone's 'kind-of adopted' daughter, gets taken hostage in a large industrial building. The only thing you couldn't see coming was the axe fight (the tool, not the spray).
 
Sly has never looked this good, or good, period. But it looks like he's taking care of himself, with the HGH, and all. Good for him.
 
A-C Slater is looking for a comeback vehicle, and he hasn't found it yet. In recent years, his career had a resurgence, because he managed to snag so many quality roles on TV. But if he wants to move from the kiddie, to the grown folks table, figuratively speaking, then he should step up his game. He needs to get a small part, in a critically acclaimed film, made by a top-tier director. I'm not saying he'll win an Oscar. But I think if he puts his mind to it, one day, he can attend a party at Brangelina's, and NOT get escorted out by security.
 
I didn't care for this movie too much, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't like it. But why play Russian Roulette: a bullet to the head is bad for your brain.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100
Sidenote: If you close your eyes, you may notice that Christian Slater and Jonah Hill have the same voice.

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100