The Big Wedding

THE BIG WEDDING
R
89 Minutes
Director: Justin Zackham
Writers: Justin Zackham, Jean-Stéphane Bron, Karine Sudan
Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton

CAST
Robert De Niro … Don
Katherine Heigl … Lyla
Diane Keaton … Ellie
Topher Grace … Jared
Susan Sarandon … Bebe

‘For the next three days you and I are married…’

Don and Ellie are happily divorced, for several years now. But they will become fake married for a few days. Because the conservative, biological mother from Columbia (the country-not the college) is stopping by to make sure things are kosher. More on her in the next paragraph.

The groom grew up with adopted parents. Then, out of nowhere, his biological mother comes to see his wedding. She the abandoned him as an infant. But suddenly, her opinion matters?

With Such A Simple Premise, What Could Go Wrong?

I’m not Jonathan Edwards,but I think Don and Ellie will fall in love again, briefly, before realizing they are wrong for each other.

The plot is closely related to an old sitcom cliché. The father is looking to get a promotion, so he invites the boss over for dinner, and everything must go right or else…I don’t know, he’s fired, or he never gets promoted to lieutenant. But nothing goes right. The wife is a lousy chef, and one of the kids burns the kitchen down.

These Characters Seem Familiar

Topher Grace acts exactly, like Eric Foreman in THAT 70s SHOW.

Susan Sarandon plays Don’s serious long-term girlfriend. She gives us an encore of the terminally ill wife role she played in STEPMOM.

Robert De Niro, you might know him as the creator of the prestigious, Tribeca film festival. In this, and many other of his recent films, he plays his character from MEET THE PARENTS.

For someone who has stolen so many stand-up routines on clergyman. Robin Williams gives an overly restrained performance as a Catholic priest. We don’t even get ‘PATCH ADAMS’ Robin Williams.

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Before really tackling challenging projects, these Oscar winners want to hang out with their friends and slack off a bit. The movie making process is merely incidental to their vacation and/or poker tournament. THE BIG WEDDING is just an Adam Sandler flick with an A-List actors.

After cheating on her, with his ex-wife, Don proposes to BeBe. And they get married in the middle of the daughter’s wedding ceremony. I’ve never seen marital infidelity forgiven so quickly. But you to have end this movie, and the sooner the better.

The year is young, but I think it’s safe to say Tyler Perry didn’t create the worst movie this year. The BIG WEDDING IS so crass, and filthy; it would make Redd Foxx blush, and vomit at the same time. It unfolds like a sequel to AMERICAN PIE. The only difference is you don’t want to see any of these people naked.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

The Great Gatsby

THE GREAT GATSBY
R
143 Minutes
Director: Baz Luhrmann
Writer: F Scott Fitzgerald, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pierce
Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan

CAST
Tobey Maguire Nick Carraway
Leonardo DiCaprio Jay Gatsby
Carey Mulligan Daisy Buchanan

'I've got 99 problems and bitch ain't one of them.'
-Jay-Z

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps DOWNTON ABBEY or BOARDWALK EMPIRE. But now, I got me a hankering for the 20s. 'Twas a much simpler time. When rich people weren't afraid to look rich. They proudly wore monocle with top hats, and collected $200 after passing. 'go'.

Just like with HORTON HEARS A WHO; it helps if you read the assigned reading before coming to class. It's a short novel with large text. Even fans of Dan Brown are capable of getting through this one.

Village Of West Egg

This takes place in 1922, on Long Island, and Manhattan. Just a little aside here: as someone from Long Island, they portray my Long Island brethren in far too positive a light.

My Name Is Not Seabiscuit

Jake Gyllenhaal...I mean Tobey Maguire plays Nick Carraway. He is superb, playing the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed neighbour of Jay Gatsby.

I didn't like the Jay-Z part of the soundtrack. It's not that I don't like his music. Wait, that's exactly what it is.DJANGO UNCHAINED got the modern soundtrack to work. Besides, there's plenty of good music from the 1920s. ...like...I'm not sure...I can't think of any now. Oh, yeah, there's that one song: Hello, my baby-Hello, my honey-Hello, my ragtime gal.

My Heart Will Go On

Leonardo DiCaprio hasn't too many blemishes on his résumé. With his more recent roles, he's definitely established himself as someone people aren't going to forget about after he's gone. A sort of immortality. Like with Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, or David Arquette.

This GREAT GATSBY is better than the one from 1974, written by Nick Cage's uncle, Francis Ford Coppola. There are many versions, some you may not have heard of. The first in 1926, then 1949, and this one everyone forgets; the A&E movie from 2000. Starring, none other than Paul Rudd. In what can only be described as a very fine, tongue-and-cheek performance. Check it out.

Because of the mixed reviews. I'm on my own, in my praise of this film. I enjoyed THE GREAT GATSBY, but you might not. It just doesn't have broad appeal. This movie is only for literature geeks, and people who love good costume design (not that the two can't overlap).

Final Verdict: 84 out of 100

Filly Brown

FILLY BROWN
R
120 Minutes
Directors: Youssef Delara, Michael D. Olmos
Writer: Youssef Delara
Gina Rodriguez, Jenni Rivera, Lou Diamond Phillips

CAST
Gina Rodriguez … Majo Tonorio
Jenni Rivera … Maria Tonorio
Lou Diamond Phillips … Jose Tonorio
Edward James Olmos … Leandro
Noah Gugliemi…Big Cee

‘As a matter of fact dawg, here’s a pencil, go home, write some shit, make it suspenseful; and don’t come back ’til somethin’ dope hits you. Fuck it, you can take the mic home wit’ you.’ -B. Rabbit, 8 MILE (2002)

Because I’m studying Spanish, I find myself watching a lot of really bad Univision programming. Back in December Jenni Rivera died in a plane crash. She was such an icon in the Latin community, that they’re talking about her all these months later. Unfortunately, this was one of her last projects. In a couple of years, everyone will forget this FILLY BROWN film was ever made. It’s similar to Aaliyah and QUEEN OF THE DAMNED.

Considering Lou Diamond Phillips played Ritchie Valens in LA BAMBA. It’s an eerie coincidence he stars in this movie. Because here, his fictional wife died in a real plane crash.

Does a movie still play when no one’s around to see it? Yes, I walked into this two minutes late. And because no one was around; I received many strange looks from theater employees. And it wasn’t because I was jerking off during the movie.

I think what they were going for a female, 8 MILE, with a younger version of Michelle Rodriguez.

‘Filly Brown’ is a young, aspiring, urban poet. She auditioned for Fat Joe’s ‘Terror Squad’. Later on, she becomes disheartened by the rejection letter she received in the mail.

But she’s not going to let an overweight rapper crush her dreams. She’s doing this rap thing on her own.

Filly Brown…More Like Filly Shit

Big Cee is a big-shot record producer. A Latino, Suge Knight, except, not as nice. He’s making ‘Filly’ turn into something she’s not. A good rapper.

Her sensitive male friend, delegates himself in charge of keeping it real. Surprisingly, he’s not happy with this the new Motown ‘Filly’. She turned into Eazy-E: a ‘studio gangsta’…with AIDS.

If we can learn anything from Kid ‘n Play; it’s that bad rapping doesn’t go with a bad movie. If you’re looking for bad rapping, and a tolerable film. I suggest watching I’M STILL HERE, or MALIBU’S MOST WANTED.

What Ever Happened To Predictability?

At one point, it seemed like this movie was coming to a close. It felt like an ending you’d see on FULL HOUSE. They had the serious father-daughter conversation: where an issue gets resolved or someone learns a lesson. From there, they cue up the dramatic music. Soon as you’re expecting to hear ‘I love you Dad’. The very emotional rapping starts. Overcome with tears, ‘Filly’ couldn’t finish the lyrics she had written. End scene.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Oblivion

OBlIVION
PG-13
124 Minutes
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Writers: Joseph Kosinski, Karl Gajdusek
Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko

CAST
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

‘You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.’ Iceman, TOP GUN (1986)

I’m going to try to get through this without making any jokes about Tom Cruise, his religious beliefs, his level of sanity, past romances, or his small stature; because those jokes have been made already , and I don’t like redundancy.

Nut-job-scientologist-divorcé, strikes gold once again. John Travolta tells his long-time buddy, Tom Cruise, to audition for OBLIVION.

I can’t stay away from an apocalypse movie. I like seeing people at their worst. To grossly paraphrase Charles Dickens, the worst of times can bring out the best in people.

Tom Cruise is still getting parts for non-pornographic films. Which is great. Because in the future, his only option will be; to write, direct, produce, and play all the roles, in one of his own movies. Eddie Murphy-style.

The year is 2077. The rest of humanity is going to Titan. Jack Harper is the last man on a war-torn earth. He fixes robots, because they’re not smart enough to fix themselves yet.

Nearly an hour elapses before Morgan Freeman appears in this movie. Nothing too memorable here. His character was interchangeable. But I do like the Bill Cosby, with sunglasses look.

What’s the deal with the flicker in the futuristic video-phones. You can Skype, in HD, as it is. But just because that’s how it was done in STAR WARS 30 years ago doesn’t mean we have to stick with that model.

TOP GUN is the picture that peaked Cruise’s interest in aviation; without his interest in flying contraptions, this movie doesn’t exist. Which leads me to my next subject.

The Ways… I Mean: The One Way In Which TOP GUN Is Superior To OBLIVION

Just like every Hitler needs a Mussolini. Every ‘Maverick’, needs an ‘Iceman’. Jack Harper does fight a clone of himself (you can tell they’re different because one of them has a goatee). I’m sorry, but that’s just not the same as having an ice-cold nemesis.

Conclusion

With a handful of exceptions. Most of Tom Cruises movies are better than average. And yes, this is one of those movies. Good, but not quite excellent. Nonetheless, you should see this because, visually, this film is spectacular.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Phil Spector (Mini-Review)

PHIL SPECTOR
NR (HBO)
Director: David Memet
Writer: David Memet
Al Pacino, Helen Mirren, Jeffery Tambor

Cast
Al Pacino...Phil Spector
Helen Mirren... Linda Kenney Baden
Jeffrey Tambourine...Bruce Cutler

'Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute, blood in the Bronco, the cuts on the hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god he did it! '
-Homer Simpson THE SIMPSONS, DABF08

Is a genius ever responsible for his or her supposed crimes?
Absolutely not.
Look at Einstein, without his discoveries, atomic bombs wouldn't have dropped on Hiroshima. That man is a monster.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Like a rapper on trial. The only thing Phil Spector is guilty of is being a thug. The merits of the case are never called into question, because his music is on trial.

Let Me Play DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

Al Pacino was in both the GODFATHER and GILI. This man has an enormous range. He's capable of perfection and utter failure as well.

Physically, Al Pacino has an uncanny resemblance to Phil. He even got all the mannerisms down. The only problem is Al Pacino always sounds like Al Pacino.

The scene where Spector pointed a loaded gun at Leonard Cohen in a recording session. This is glossed over, even though it was completely relevant to the trial.

This movie isn't bad, but the story is incomplete. It could use some bad reenactments, like the ones you would see on AMERICA'S MOST WANTED. You'd also need John Walsh's voice to go along with these reenactments.

I like where they ended the movie. To pay homage to Hendrix. Spector walks into the courtroom with an afro wig. I think it's how Jimi would have wanted it, leaving this world in style.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Jurassic Park (3D) (1993)

JURASSIC PARK (3D) (1993)
127 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer: Michael Crichton
Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Golblum, Samuel L. Jackson

Cast
Sam Neill-Dr. Alan Grant
Laura Dern-Dr. Ellie Sattler
Jeff Goldblum-Dr. Ian Malcolm
Richard Attenborough-John Hammond
Samuel L. Jackson-Ray Arnold
Martin Ferrero-Donald Gennaro

‘Well, sir, I won’t bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.’
-(Charlie) THE SIMPSONS, EP. 1F07

It’s been 20 years since this movie played in a theater. I went back to the place where I saw it as a child. But that’s a TJ Maxx now. General Cinemas doesn’t exist either. But I made the 1-block trek across the parking lot and saw it at a new theater.

I tried reading JURASSIC PARK, the book, as a kid. Not the one by Michael Crichton. The one with all the pictures, based on the movie. If memory serves, I don’t believe I ever finished that.

I won’t explain the plot in great detail. Because we’ve all seen the movie multiple times. It had a 9 month theatrical release. Plus, you know what you’re getting, with the movie title.

There are a some things I never noticed, watching this movie as a kid. The first, Samuel L Jackson. All I saw him do is smoke cigarettes, I don’t understand how one character can smoke all the time, especially if he’s in a science lab. Secondly, as an adult, I now recognize that Alan and Ellie really are ready to have children of their own. And lastly, There is one scene that just infuriates me. Toward the end, where the kids are eating Jello. Really? Jello that was sitting in the sun all day, on a table, in the South Pacific. I’m no Bill Cosby, but I think that Jello would have melted long before they got there.

Was it worth $14.00 dollars?

Why, back in my day, $14.00 dollars was a lot of money. It bought 2 movie tickets, and no money for concessions. Like the Weird Al album, 3D didn’t do much for me. More than anything, this was a marketing gimmick. Which I’m fine with. It means JURASSIC PARK 4 is actually getting made; due in June of 2014. There’s no bad CGI, JURASSIC PARK remains a very watchable movie. So yes, you should absolutely see this timeless classic.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Tyler Perry's Temptation

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Vanessa Williams, Brandy Norwood

In Loving Memory of Roger Ebert (1942 –2013)Cast
Jurnee Smollett-Bell…Judith
Lance Gross…Brice
Kim Kardashian…Ava
Vanessa Williams…Janice
Robbie Jones…Harley
Brandy Norwood…Melinda

I don’t see too many Tyler Perry movies. Two, at last count. But this time, I experienced something unusual. I found myself in a packed theater, surrounded by white people who paid to see this movie. And they were laughing hysterically in random, inexplicable intervals.

Thirty minutes into this film, I thought this was the best Tyler Perry movie ever made. I suppose it was, technically speaking.

Brice and Judith are a boring, young couple. Brice is a lowly pharmacist and Judith works as a matchmaker for rich guys. And their marriage is in a bit of a rut.

She’s A Fine Girl, What A Good Wife She Would Be

Brice hires Melinda (Brandy) to work at his pharmacy. More on her later.

Brice, her husband, misses her birthday for the second year in a row. All was forgiven after she received some flowers at work. But wait a minute. Those flowers weren’t from her husband, they were from Harley.

Harley is one of Judith’s clients. Being married, Judy put up a good fight. Nonetheless, he was persistent, and pursued her relentlessly. You know something will happen between these people. I don’t know how. It all depends on how many weapons this gentleman has in his arsenal of seduction

Harley is a darker, non-golfing version of Tiger Woods. With as much passion as Tyrese and Tiger Woods put together. And he’s a billionaire.

Ahhhh Shit!

You could tell Judith had mixed feelings. She wanted to cheat on her husband, but she didn’t want to feel guilty about it.

I love the part where Harley kicked the shit out of Judith’s mom. He was very nonchalant about the incident. Sure, he’s a sociopath, and an irrational one at that. But it’s because his mother, literally, abandoned him in a crack house as an infant.

3 Letters Took Him To His Final Resting Place

Brice finds out Melinda, his employee, got AIDS from the same guy…oh, I’m sorry, HIV.

Judith, that two-timing whore got HIV. Serves her right, philandering and fornicating with that handsome devil.

There are many issues of plausibility in this movie. As a billionaire with HIV; word would get out pretty fast. Do you think Magic ‘Johnson’ goes on AIDS rampages, infecting women, left and right?

Saving The Best For Last (This Reference Works Because Vanessa Williams Is In This Movie)

Tyler Perry did something extraordinary, he made something derivative of his own screenplay. Which in itself was derivative. Derivative to the third power: D³  like the MIGHTY DUCKS. This man deserves a standing ovation.

Final Verdict: 14 out of 100

Sidenote: I couldn’t find an appropriate spot to place a Brandy-DUI joke: sincerest apologies. 

Spring Breakers

SPRING BREAKERS
R
94 Minutes
Director: Harmony Korine
Writer: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez, James Franco, Gucci Mayne

Cast
James Franco…Alien
Selena Gomez…Faith
Vanessa Hudgens…Candy
Ashley Benson…Brit
Rachel Korine… Cotty
Heather Morris…Bess
Gucci Mane … Archie

Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(Let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill)
-GRILLZ, Nelly

Florida, the state, not the character from GOOD TIMES, is one of those places I would like to think doesn’t exist. A lie, made up solely to scare young children.

Ponce de León searched for the fountain of youth in Florida. But his efforts were in vain. Little did he know, Florida is a place for people who have entirely given up on life.

This movie is about a group of girls that, very violently, rob a chicken restaurant, getting close to $50,000 dollars. All so they can go on a spring break that never ends.

Everyone here seems like unrealistic caricatures. But it’s all done for good reason. SPRING BREAKERS has one foot in a reality, and another in a separate galaxy. The movie is a film version of a concept album.

He followed Joaquin Phoenix on the set of I’M STILL HERE as research for the role.

‘Alien’ is supposed to be based off small-time rapper, ‘Dangeruss’. But there’s more to his character than that. As a casual observer, I see pieces of Paul Wall, Dirt Nasty, and pre-seizure, Lil Wayne. Also, the name ‘Alien’ is a nod to the Outkast album, ATLIENS.

I ‘m not familiar with Selena Gomez, or her ‘WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE’. All I know is that seeing her in this makes me feel like a pedophile.

He stayed in character for a whole year, corn rows and all. Which made Selena Gomez think James Franco really was a creepy guy. That’s a brilliant move, plausible deniability. This is an example of a conversation the two might have:                     

I’m not hittin’ on you,  your half my age. I’m staying in character to maintain the integrity of this here movie. As James Franco, it’s only natural that your sexual fantasies involve me.  I think you’re letting your imagination get the best of you. While were on the set, could you please try to keep things professional. Now go rinse your mouth out with Scope.

I like this movie, it is a deeply disturbing, unforgettable experience.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

23 Minutes To Sunrise

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE
NR
80 Minutes
Director: Jay Kanzler
Writers: Patrick Pinkston, Jay Kanzler
Eric Roberts, Nia Peeples, Bob Zany

Cast
Daniel…Julia Robert’s Brother
Rachel…Mia Peeples
Eddie…Dingani Bess
Ted…Bob Zany
Sheila …Jilanne Klaus
Hannah…Haley Busch

‘Pssst… psssssst…  Are you afraid to die, or do you wanna live forever …’
-2pac, ONLY FEAR OF DEATH

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE reminds me of that NIGHTHAWKS painting. A bunch of miserable people eating at a corner diner, watching 23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE on television. Most of this film takes place at a diner.

Something about this diner is a bit off; maybe it’s the cherry pie.  It’s not hell, we know that much. The only restaurants in hell are Denny’s and IHOP. Maybe Arby’s, depending on which circle of Dante’s hell you happen to reside in.  Either way, there would be Muzak with Lenny Kravitz ‘FLY AWAY’ playing on a constant loop. 

‘Some people are afraid to die; sometimes, I think waking up alive seems worse.’
 
These are the words of an intriguing line cook at a late-night diner. His tours in both, Iraq and Afghanistan, have filled his soul with an existential thirst, which can never be quenched, not even with the mightiest chalice of Sprite . His figurative wounds can only be healed with a pen and paper. Eddie is using GI Bill money to take an English class at the University…of Devry.

Daniel is one of many shady people, eating at the diner.  He’s there with, what appears to be, a 30-year old female. She has 23 minutes to trade her immortality with an unsuspecting diner patron (I don’t understand how 23 minutes get stretched out to 80).

I like how they went with the name Daniel. Nothing too clever, like ‘John Milton’, ‘Joe Black’, or ‘Grim Reaper’. Just Daniel.

Eric Roberts, you might recognize him as the villain from THE SPECIALIST.  On the small screen, he is known for his cameo on CELEBRITY REHAB.

An interesting premise, that fails to explore significant questions. Trim this down, and this could be the opening scene in an X-FILES episode.

Immorality has its perks and its drawbacks. Immortality though, that’s the business, there is only upside. Even someone with eternal life, might not have enough time to see this eighty minute film.

Final Verdict: 43 out of 100

Oz The Great And Powerful

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
PG
130 Minutes
Director: Sam Raimi
Writers: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire, L. Frank Baum
James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis

I banish you from the Emerald City, never to return.
-Seattle Municipal Court Judge  (Katt Williams vs The State of Washington)

Cast
James Franco–Oz
Mila Kunis–Theodora
Rachel Weisz–Evanora
Michelle Williams–Annie / Glinda
Zach Braff–Frank / Finley
Bill Cobbs–Master Tinker
Joey King–Girl in Wheelchair / China Girl

Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
The world’s a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
-THE FIFTH DIMENSION
 
This film begins in black and white. Oz leaves  a crime scene in a hot air balloon, in the middle of a tornado. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a Skittles commercial, unlike any other.

Try, Try, Try To Understand…..I’m A Magic Man

As illustrated in first WIZARD OF OZ (1939). The ‘wizard’, was actually incapable of granting wishes. This wizard was a fraud. People are deceived by appearances, and he used this to his advantage. Still, he uses this ability for a noble purpose.

Kunis, Williams, and Franco: sitcom  stars of the 90′s unite. Surprisingly, Melissa Joan Hart has no part of this. She should’ve at least had a small cameo, it would be a joke… that only I would get.

I don’t understand this Kingdom Of Oz. Who’s to say a traditional monarchy is right for people of Oz? I would have strived to create a more just, democratic society. Look at roads, they are literally paved with gold. All because a tyrant wanted it that way.

Good Witch…Good Grief

Good witch, it sounds like a contradiction in terms; like a cokehead comedian. A good witch is not a witch at all, she (or he) more closely resembles a fairy godmother.
There’s a monkey in this movie. It’s about the most god damn adorable monkey I’ve ever seen. Think Ross’s monkey on FRIENDS. Except, it can talk, fly, and not interact with David Schwimmer.

I thought the monkey was played by Billy Crystal. But it was that guy from SCRUBS. I had all these Billy Crystal jokes ready. You’re just going to have to wait for Billy Crystal to do a bad movie to hear them.

There's No Place Like Home

The film is done with the right amount of seriousness. Yet there’s acknowledgement to the ridiculousness of it all. Much akin to the first SHREK.

OZ lacks depth, realistic characters, and musical numbers. This movie is good enough to check out, but it’s not essential viewing. If you are looking for something to sync up with the DARKSIDE OF THE MOON, I suggest you look elsewhere.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Sidenote: I’m always confusing Munchkins with Oompa-Loompas. I can’t be the only one.
Side-Sidenote: If you want to see an Oz film without token black actors. You might want to watch THE WHIZ (1978). Starring Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

Small Soldiers (Retro)

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998)
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Joe Dante
Writers: Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Kirsten Dunst, Gregory Smith, David Cross

Cast
David Cross–Irwin Wayfair
Gregory Smith–Alan Abernathy
Kirsten Dunst–Christy Fimple
Phil Hartman–Phil Fimple

SMALL SOLDIERS
Why it's not as bad as you think
An Essay By E. Dunn

SMALL SOLDIERS is one of those films that if you didn’t see it at a movie theater, you probably never bothered renting it on video. This movie never really got it’s due. Because it wasn’t the movie people were expecting. Also, releasing it two weeks before SAVING PRIVATE RYAN didn’t help much. In film, war is something to be glorified; not something to be thoughtfully examined.

I watched SMALL SOLDIERS on my 14th birthday. I had  the Burger King toys. And I bought the soundtrack, even though most of those songs weren’t  even in the movie. I like the way Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony re’hash’ed Edwin Starr’s WAR; that is one crunchy, stone grove. The marketing was out of control. Just look at that image at the top of the page. I don’t recall any karate fighting in the movie, yet we have the ‘Rock’em Sock’em Robots’ knock off, ‘Karate Fighters’.

Things That Made The Film Watchable

Those involved thought this project was a good idea. They brought in the animatronics guy from JURASSIC PARK.
Tommy Lee Jones, and the original ‘DIRTY DOZEN’ did the Commando Elite. The Gorgonites were done mostly by members of Spinal Tap.

This movie had plenty of shortcomings. Mostly with the live-action parts. I could have lived without the prepubescent romance between Christy (Dunst) and Alan (Smith). Oh man, Alan is in for a rude awakening when he finds out Dunst’s character doesn’t really go for dorky, Peter Parker-esque-type characters.

There Are Many Questions:

• What does destiny mean?
• Did the technology for self-aware action figures exist in 1998?
• When do they run out of batteries?

The Eternal Battle Between Good And Evil

When I did intramural softball in middle school, I was the team captain. On the first day, without consulting my teammates, I came up with ‘The Freaks’, as our team name, and we weren’t very good. So I could relate to the plight of the Gorgonites.  I have a soft spot in my heart for those who aren’t good at doing things.

The Commando Elite fought the Gorgonites. And like the Detroit Lions, Gorgonites are programmed to lose. Eventually, they will go on to question this programming. These intelligent creatures teach us that many great things are accomplished with nonviolent resistance. But they also know that some conflicts can’t be resolved peacefully. Hence Archer’s bow and arrow.

Conclusion

I have mixed feelings on SMALL SOLDIERS. The title isn’t misleading, that’s a plus. But the more interesting characters don’t get enough screen time. While it doesn’t quite reach the level of greatness; it’s more than a grenade’s throw away from awful.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

A Good Day To Die Hard

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
97 Minutes
R
Director: John Moore
Writers: Skip Woods, Roderick Thorp
Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Cast
Bruce Willis–John McClane
Jai Courtney–Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch–Komarov
Mary Elizabeth Winstead–Lucy
Yuliya Snigir–Irina

‘Code red, code red.’
-Bruce Willis, THE SIEGE (1998)

(Insert Yaknov Smirnov Joke Here)

Take Your Kid To Work Day: The Movie…To The Extreme

All aboard! The 80s-Action-Movie-Express-Train blew passed the station, and shows no sign of slowing down. It’s about to jump the rails, hit the napalm factory, and plow right into the orphanage, the one adjacent to the factory.

After RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES films, I’m no longer nostalgic for the action stars of yesteryear. The irony, it’s gone. The next time I see Chuck Norris, it better be in an AARP commercial.

If you were wondering, ‘Die Hard’ is a reference to the battery; it’s not about the erection men get after becoming deceased.

John McClane goes to Moscow to give the Cold War a real ending. He thinks his son, Jack, has P-OD-ED on some top-notch pharmaceuticals. But really, Jack is a CIA spy. And so, there you have it, father and son, fighting Russian gangsters. John worked too much when Jack was growing up. But worry not, they’ll patch things up quickly; you only need a couple of hours to undo 30 years of resentment.

Here’s where it gets interesting… Just kidding, it never gets interesting.

After the first half hour, you lose all hope of seeing a good movie. From there, they don’t even bother giving us one decent scene.

The last DIE HARD had some problems, but it was still watchable. This latest DIE HARD can only be described as a violent, action-packed clusterfuck.

Bruce Willis just memorized a bunch of one-liners. Like, ‘I’m here, where’s my God-Damn paycheck?’

Willis has a serious case of ‘Tim Allen Syndrome’; where he’s gotten a little too comfortable with one particular role, like ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘John McClane’.

DIE HARD is not without positive attributes. What I liked most, the film’s brevity. It isn’t overly long, and that’s not so bad. Also, I love the part where John crashes through the window of an office building, and the other scene where he crashed through a window. That was cool.

Several times, John McClane mentions that he’s on vacation. And I say yes, he most certainly was.

I’m too young for this shit.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100

Bullet To The Head

BULLET TO THE HEAD
R
92 Minutes
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Alessandro Camon, Alexis Nolent
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Cast
Sylvester Stallone--James Bonomo
Sung Kang--Taylor Kwon
Christian Slater--Marcus Baptiste
'Mr. Eko' from LOST-- Robert Nkomo Morel

Movie Quote...

Sung Lang: Are you fucking insane? You don't just kill a guy like this...
James Bonomo: I just did.

Stallone and Kang: in the unlikeliest comedy duo since TANGO AND CASH. No wait, I think David Duke and Malcom X would be the unlikeliest comedy duo. But strictly speaking, this film isn't a comedy, or at least an intentional one.

Brains and brawn, beauty and the geek. One's clean-cut and the other's rough around the edges.

You might think this looks like an Owen Wilson-Jackie Chan-type duo. But you'd be wrong. I think one could argue, with the criminal-cop dynamic, and the racial clash, Bonomo and Kwon, are most like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 HOURS.

    'That's all we expect of man, this side the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.'
    -Robert Browning quoted at the beginning of GET CARTER (2000)
 
James Bonomo, part Rocky, part Rambo, part...just doesn't give a shit. By all appearances, this man is an honest criminal. But he's sees himself as an irredeemable nogoodnic, who no longer wants to be bothered.
 
You've seen this movie before. There's an investigation, police corruption, internal affairs gets involved, the police chief knows what's really going on, and is in on everything. Stallone's 'kind-of adopted' daughter, gets taken hostage in a large industrial building. The only thing you couldn't see coming was the axe fight (the tool, not the spray).
 
Sly has never looked this good, or good, period. But it looks like he's taking care of himself, with the HGH, and all. Good for him.
 
A-C Slater is looking for a comeback vehicle, and he hasn't found it yet. In recent years, his career had a resurgence, because he managed to snag so many quality roles on TV. But if he wants to move from the kiddie, to the grown folks table, figuratively speaking, then he should step up his game. He needs to get a small part, in a critically acclaimed film, made by a top-tier director. I'm not saying he'll win an Oscar. But I think if he puts his mind to it, one day, he can attend a party at Brangelina's, and NOT get escorted out by security.
 
I didn't care for this movie too much, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't like it. But why play Russian Roulette: a bullet to the head is bad for your brain.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100
Sidenote: If you close your eyes, you may notice that Christian Slater and Jonah Hill have the same voice.

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100

Robot and Frank

ROBOT AND FRANK
PG-13
89 Minutes
Director: Jake Schreier
Writer: Christopher D. Ford
Stars: Peter Sarsgaard, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon

Frank and the Heaven's Gate Dude; the resemblance is uncannyCast
Frank Langella--Frank
James Marsden--Hunter
Liv Tyler--Madison
Susan Sarandon--Jennifer
Peter Sarsgaard--Robot (voice)

'Before allowing a machine to take over a part of your life, make sure that you know the true price you will be paying.'-OUTER LIMITS, S07E01, FAMILY VALUES (the episode with Tom Arnold)

Isaac Asimov's 'Laws of Robotics' aren't real laws. Lazy science-fiction writers often forget this. Do you know how many cats those 'Roomba' vacuum cleaners have killed? Zero, thus far, but who knows what the future holds.

Frank is a retired cat burglar. As a gift, he receives a robot, to help with household chores. But this android is capable of so much more. As a machine, he has no moral qualms about robbing people. His only responsibility is to serve Frank, as Frank sees fit. With two 'men', Frank can plan a heist.

This fictional robot is not comparable to A.I., BICENTENNIAL MAN, or 'Urkel-Bot'. Those characters were played by actors pretending to be robots. Although, strangely enough, only in BICENTENNIAL MAN, does Robin Williams come close to resembling a human being.

We're dealing with robot-looking robots here. A human-sounding, robot-looking android. If you want to hear my thoughts on robots that look like people, and whether it's okay to make love to a robot that looks like your wife's friend. You'll have to wait.

Frank's robot behaves like an impressionable child, a nagging wife, and a criminal mastermind. He's got a 'KITT', from KNIGHT-RIDER, demeanor. Resembling a LEGO STAR WARS SNOWTROOPER.

More than anything, ROBOT AND FRANK is a little boring. It seems as though the film maker was trying hard to make a point. But I can't decipher what that point actually was. That's not to say this film didn't explore interesting issues, it certainly did. One of those issues: man's emotional attachment to robots. But if you really wanted to explore this attachment, you could have just as easily watched FUTURAMA, or that movie with 'Number 5' and Steve Gutenberg.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

The Last Stand

THE LAST STAND
R
107 Minutes
Director: Jee-woon Kim
Writers: Andrew Knauer,  Jeffrey Nachmanoff, George Nolfi
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville

CAST
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Ray Owens
Forest Whitaker-Agent John Bannister
Eduardo Noriega-Gabriel Cortez
Rainier Wolfecastle-Dect. John Kimble

Last Action Hero?

It has always been tough, ignoring his Austrian accent, and pretending Arnold Schwarzenegger is a regular guy. But I guess, in part, that's what made his movies so entertaining.

The first half of this movie is excellent. From there...well, I wouldn't say things got boring, but eventually, I did lose interest in what was going on.

The basic blueprint of the story: 'Gabriel Cortez', a wealthy drug smuggler, is trying to escape federal custody. This guy is pure evil; you know he's bad, because Spanish is his first language.

As a former Mr Universe, he can carry a lot of things on his shoulders, but this movie wasn't one of them. He's not Stallone or Willis, Arnold just doesn't have enough personality to carry a whole movie. He's good in sci-fi-action-comedies, but where he really shines, is in movies featuring Sinbad, or Phil Hartman.

Forrest Whitaker, star of BATTLEFIELD EARTH. known in Hollywood circles as the only normal scientologist, has a large role in this film. He plays the head of the FBI. Oh, and another thing, try not to stare at his lazy eye.

Can Johnny Knoxville play a different character already? Look at the movie poster. He's wearing aviator goggles, that's crazy, he's not flying planes. His character, he's completely out of touch with reality.

THE LAST STAND has a simple plot, gratuitous violence, one-dimensional characters, and writing that was probably done by a DeVry graduate.Walking in, I knew this wasn't going to win any Oscars.  I wanted a fun movie, and I wanted to see some people get blown up. Yeah, people were shot, but no one was really blown up, and that's no fun.

Running the great state of California and that divorce, all of it, it sucked all of his vitality, and he's never really been that interesting.  This this reanimated corspe-of man, memorized his lines well enough. Sure, there were some okay one-liners, but overall, I'm disappointed with the lack of unintentional humor. Honestly, I'd expect more from one of the founders of 'Planet Hollywood'.

'Hasta la vista, baby.'

Final Verdict 60 out of 100

Stand Up Guys

STAND UP GUYS
R
95 Minutes
Director: Fisher Stevens
Writer: Noah Haidle
Al Pacino, Alan Arkin, Christopher Walken

CAST
Al Pacino--Val
Christopher Walken--Doc
Alan Arkin--Hirsch

I love Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. I thought I could watch these guys in anything; even if all they did was shovel cow manure for 95 minutes. But boy was I wrong, there is no excuse for spoon-feeding us this kind of bullshit.

Walken and Pacino play short-tempered criminals, on the verge of retirement. Criminals? Whoa, hold on a second, let me get a drink of water; I'm feeling a little light-headed from this shocking revelation. Look, I'm not saying these guys play ridiculous caricatures of themselves. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

After serving 28 years, Doc gets released from prison. He meets with Val for dinner, and they laugh and reminisce about the old days. Val and Doc: two best friends. One of them has to kill the other. A scenario like George and Lenny, in OF MICE AND MEN, except neither of these men are mentally challenged, in the traditional sense. Plus, the conclusion is a bit different.

Alan Arkin plays Hirsch, an old criminal, on his deathbed. Hirsch takes Val and Doc out on a joyride. Through some impressive maneuvering, and dazzling stuntsmanship. He manages to evade an entire police department, in only a few minutes.  Later on, we see Hirsch exhaling his last breath, in the back seat of the same car. Hmmmm, interesting, Hirsch driving a hearse.

You can't make a 95-minute assassin's tale,  without cutting a few corners. Like characters: if you use actors people are already familiar with, then there's no complicated back story. In a pinch, you can always get John Wayne to play a cowboy, or Jesse Eisenberg to play an awkward guy.

You can't pigeonhole this as a comedy, action, or dramatic piece. Because it's none of these. More than anything, this is an incomplete film.  I did like specific segments of the movie though.  Like when the 'bad guys' beat up the 'even worse' guys. But really, I think the best part was those new tracks by Bon Jovi. I wish I were joking, but at least he didn't ruin something that was good.

After watching STAND UP GUYS, One thing is clear, the actors in this movie are not 'Stand Up' guys. I'd say pardon the pun, but I'd be lying; I could never apologize for such clever wordplay.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Silver Lining's Playbook

SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK
R
122 Minutes
Director: David O. Russell
Writers: David O. Russell, Matthew Quick
Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro

'She drives me crazy and I can't help myself.' - FINE YOUNG CANIBALS (1989)

CAST
Bradley Cooper--Pat
Jennifer Lawrence--Tiffany
Robert De Niro-- Pat Sr.
Jacki Weaver--Dolores
Chris Tucker--Danny

Patrick is a bi-polar man, who had a violent meltdown. After serving some time in the 'loony bin', he gets released to his mother. I meant 'psychiatric hospital' not 'loony bin'. However difficult it may be, he's trying to move on with his life, staying positive.

Tiffany is a much younger woman. Because her husband died tragically, she has her own mental health issues to deal with. To me, she seems a little young to have a dead husband. I'm not sure you stay married once the person dies. But I suppose, poetically speaking, love is eternal.

It's not obvious, at first, but Tiffany and Patrick will become 'crazy in love', to quote Beyoncé.

Bradley Cooper is trying hard not to be that guy that was in THE HANGOVER, especially after that last sequel. Delibrately, he's trying to appear more intellectual in his film roles. But his efforts haven't been in vain. I'm just now beginnig the process of starting to like him.

In case you were wondering, those photos of Jennifer Lawrence in a bikini aren't real. You should probably put away the Jergens and Kleenex. Jennifer Lawrence always looked as competent as the other big names in this picture. She has a long future ahead of her. Dare I say: people might still go to see her movies after she becomes old and unattractive.

It's funny, a toned-down Chris Tucker is still able to play a mentally ill patient. All kidding aside, I do like this version of Chris Tucker.

Robert De Niro, isn't essential to SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK. He plays Patrick's dad. An OCD, compulsive gambler, who loves the Eagles. This is where I might say the Eagles football team, for clarification. But it's unnecessary; sure, a few people can tolerate 'The Eagles' band, but no one loves them.

Is this good enough to be nominated for Best Picture?

Not likely, no movie comes close to DJANGO UNCHAINED. I'm not even sure SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK is as good as Ben Affleck's film ('good as Ben Affleck's film' that phrase does sound funny).

While I could always sense where the movie was going, I still wanted to finish it. When the credits roll, you feel good, that is, unless you wanted something more than a 'feel good movie'.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Django Unchained

DJANGO UNCHAINED
R
165 Minutes
Director: Quintin Tarantino
Writer: Alan Thicke
Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio

'Southern Man when will you pay them back'
-Neil Young

Reach for the sky, Honky!Cast
Jamie Foxx--Django
Christoph Waltz--Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio--Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson--Steven

DJANGO UNCHAINED takes place in 1858, Greenville, Mississippi. Put that map away, and let me save everyone a bit of time: Mississippi is the state between Louisiana and Alabama.
 
DJANGO pays homage to many films, genres and characters. Which means much of this movie may already be familiar to you. Now, to elaborate on this further.
 
The title, and the bare-bones of the story, come from a few bizarre spaghetti-westerns. The titled  character, Django, is trying to rescue his estranged wife from a slave owner. This is done with extreme prejudice.  
 
Django is like Will Smith, in WILD WILD WEST; the black guy on WALKER TEXAS RANGER, and that character from BLAZING SADDLES... Gene Wilder.
 
Leonardo DiCaprio' character, the plantation owner, is based on Ted Turner, and 'Foghorn Leghorn'.

Sam Jackson's character, Steve, is part 'Uncle Ruckus, from THE BOONDOCKS. Part 'Uncle Ben'.

This Movie Is Off The Chain

In historical movies, there is usually is some white-washing of the past, it's inevitable, we live by different standards today. People forget what slavery was actually like. It wasn't just picking cotton in the fields. There were carnival rides, bouncy castles, clowns, candied apples, and daisy chains of joyful laughter. This movie is historically accurate (in some respects), and entertaining as hell, which is a difficult feat to carry out. This isn't just escapist fun: it's 'escapist' fun, for the characters.
 
I'm writing this as Tarantino accepts his Golden Globe for Best Screenplay. Well, since the Academy doesn't make a ton of mistakes... Oh, what's that? the Foreign Press Association does the Globes. Didn't they nominate THE TOURIST, a couple years ago. Nonetheless, they got it right, if only by coincidence.
 
Hmmmm, you might want to wait for the Oscars.
 
Final Verdict: 98 out 100  
Sidenote: I subtracted a couple of points, because Kurt Russell was supposed to be in this (to replace Kevin Costner). I just know he would've been perfect for the roll of 'plantation thug'. Without him, this movie falls just short of perfection.