The Ringer (Retro)

THE RINGER (2005)
PG-13
94 minutes 
Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Johnny Knoxville, Brian Cox, Katherine Heigl

Cast
Johnny Knoxville ... Steve Barker
Brian Cox...Gary Barker
Katherine Heigl...Lynn Sheridan
Jed Rees...Glen

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on.
THE BEATLES, LIFE GOES ON (THEME)

As a tenth-grader, in my English class, we had a short written assignment, answering a question: Do you think saying 'that's retarded' is offensive,  and why? My response, no, I don't think retards are capable of being offended. In retrospect, I recognize how hilarious, and insensitive my remarks were. Maybe I was just releasing pent-up rage, because that kid in middle school called me 'Special Ed'.

I saw this at a theatre,  but recently, THE RINGER aired on Comedy Central. It was something I had completely forgot about. After my second viewing" I realized that  I have to criticize this film now, before people forget about it altogether.  Kind of like the Nuremberg trials.

Johnny Knoxville hasn't declared himself a serious actor, by words or action. So I can't judge him on the same scale as Sean Penn. Of all the MTV actors, Johnny Knoxville has fared better than everyone. Except, well... no, Pauly Shore doesn't count as human being. Knoxville has a couple of things going for him. One, when you squint, he looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Two, if he ever puts on weight, he'd be indistinguishable from Jim Brewer. THE RINGER isn't Knoxville's worst movie. That award goes to GRAND THEFT PARSONS (2004).  But this might be his most memorable role.

There are many problems with THE RINGER. I can't list all of them, this is an article, not the ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. I  am going to examine a few of these problems though.

• The premise isn't plausible. You would need a doctor's help to fake any sort of mental handicap.

• The pretty, blonde Special Olympics coördinator has a dooshy, cliché boyfriend. You know he's bad news, because he pushes kids off the monkey bars at the park, while laughing maniacally.  In the middle of the movie, this guy gets caught making out with a hostess from Applebee's. It just doesn't add up. Why would a 'bad guy' cheat on his girlfriend?

• I don't think a bookie would take bets on the Special Olympics.  Not because it's immoral, or unethical. Mostly, because the competition might easily be fixed.

The Finish Line

To be fair, THE RINGER accurately depicts mentally handicapped people. With one big exception: 'Jeffey Dahmer'. But if you really want to watch a grown man go 'full-on retard' for two hours,  CORKY ROMANO would be a better option.

Final Verdict: 21 out of 100

Monster's University

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY
G
104 Minutes
Director: Dan Scanlon
Writers: Dan Scanlon, Daniel Gerson, Robert L. Baird
Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.' -Desiderius Erasmus (1500)

CAST (These actors did the voices of the characters. They didn't appear as themselves in cartoon form.)
Billy Crystal...Mike
John Goodman...Sullivan
Steve Buscemi...Randy
Helen Mirren...Dean Hardscrabble

When Mikey Met Sulley

Eighties-Style college films have had a good run. Starting out with ANIMAL HOUSE (1978), and ending with this movie (I hope). Forget PCU,  RUDY, or even the HOMER GOES TO COLLEGE episode on THE SIMPSONS. This is the last hurrah for 80s college movies.

Back in his college days,  Sulley was more of a legend than that other Sulley. You know, the one that landed the plane. He is a monster-machine that can scare the shit out of anything, and shotgun a beer in two seconds flat.

Mike, on the other hand has trouble scaring children. He's about as scary as Billy Crystal is funny. And that retainer in his mouth doesn't help his situation.

Mike and Sulley are like Chris Farley and David Spade. You have a strait-laced dude, and a carefree man. One guy eats oatmeal for breakfast, and the other goes to McDonald's; and orders two McGriddles, puts a Hershey bar between the two sandwiches, and makes a McGriddle Big Mac. And...well, you get where this is going.  Clashing personalities  forced to work together.

Nerds!!!

MONSTER'S U starts out with the basic elements from the REVENGE OF THE NERDS plot. Except, one jock, Sulley, is in the nerd frat voluntarily. Could you just imagine? It would be like Stan Gable (Ted McGinley) joining Lambda Lambda Lambda. And instead of the 'Greek Games', we have the 'Hunger Games'...I mean 'Scare Games'.

Being a prequel, we know how this ends. But is the journey worth watching?

I suppose so, it's a better-than-average Pixar movie. They waited awhile to make a prequel and that's admirable. Which is more than I can say CITY SLICKERS II. MONSTER'S UNIVERSITY isn't wholly original. Nonetheless, it is enjoyable. Like something John Hughes would create in his prime.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100
Sidenote:  I didn't like how 'Art' is ripped-off of 'Grimace' from McDonald's. Just because no one would notice, doesn't make it right.

The Call

THE CALL
R
94 Minutes
Director: Brad Anderson
Writers: Richard D’Ovidio, Nicole D’Ovidio, Jon Bokenkamp
Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin, Morris Chestnut

CAST
Halle Berry…Jordan Turner
Abigail Breslin…Casey Welson
Morris Chestnut…Paul Phillips
Michael Eklund…Michael Foster
David Otunga…Officer Jake Devans

So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown
-PUBLIC ENEMY, 911 IS A JOKE (1990)

I'm going back in time to a few months ago. Like most people, I don't remember when THE CALL was out in theatres. But this film is one of Roger Ebert's last reviews. I'd be doing him a disservice, if I didn't drop a dime, and give you a ruthlessly, accurate critique of THE CALL.

Jordan Turner works at a 911 call center. During one call, she fails to keep a girl from getting murdered.She blames herself for the death, and can't seem to move past it. Jordan can't fix the past, and this becomes all too clear when one girl gets abducted.

In my opinion, the girl got herself into this mess, with that tight, revealing dress, she should figure this mess out on her own, without getting 911 involved.

A blonde, teenage girl calls 911 from the trunk of a Camry, history repeats itself. Jordan is already familiar with man who abducted this girl. He got away with murder once. Now the tables are turned, and we're left with a hair-raising tale of retribution.

The abductor is Michael Lewis Foster, a 36 year-old man who loves bad 80s pop. He's like the creepy guy who kidnapped the bear in TED.

This film's (main) weakness is its lack of plausibility.

The cops in California, are at every freeway exit, handing chicken-shit tickets out to ordinary citizens. The abductor shouldn't be so hard to track down.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I've never seen an all black police department. But there is something inherently racist about a black police department being completely inept in a film.

911 Please Someone Help Me

The way Halle Berry's character reacted to screwing up is realistic, I'll give them that. Anyone who saves lives for a living, will screw up eventually. Like with me, I'm sure I've caused many heart attacks, with my insightful prose. That's a huge burden to live with. Nonetheless, I wake up, each day, courageously, doing the only thing I know how, regardless of how many people I may hurt in the process.

The actor, Micheal Imperiola, or as he is more commonly known, the guy with the nose from THE SOPRANOS'. He's taking a break from the Tequila commercials. In this movie, he plays a legitimate businessman...'s chauffeur.

Halle Berry; she's a female Matthew McConaughey. And by that, I mean, people only see her movies because of her top-notch, set of perky...acting chops. In THE CALL she bravely dons a 'Whitney Houston...past her prime' hairdo. It speaks volumes on where she is and where her career is going.

It's Dunn

This quality picture is produced by World Wrestling Entertainment Studios. Honestly, I'd expect more from them. Vince McMahon—have you no shame?

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

This Is The End

THIS IS THE END
R
103 Minutes
Directors: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Jason Stone
James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen

CAST (Everyone Plays Themselves)
James Franco
Jonah Hill
Seth Rogen
Jay Baruchel                                                                                                  
Danny McBride
Craig Robinson

Warning: There are some spoilers in this. If you don't want the movie spoiled, watch the movie, and finish reading this review later.

Given the title of this movie, it would be easy to quote DOORS lyrics. But that's like playing the song, 'IRON MAN', at the end of the IRON MAN movie. Anyway, a wise man, whose name escapes me at the moment, once said '...the end is always near.'

Of all the places on earth, Hollywood, is the closest thing to hell on earth. So appropriately enough, our story starts in Hollywood, (the city-not the planet).

The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth

During a party at Franco's house. The rapture begins. The evil people are sucked down into hell, and the good people get sucked up into heaven.

This film is about a group of funny men who have to repent for their earthly sins, which mainly include YOUR HIGHNESS, and that awful GREEN HORNET movie.

This movie plot is plausible, because celebrities tend to keep an enormous reserve of emergency supplies. If there is ever a standoff with the police, they've got a month's supply of food, drink, and recreational supplies.

I liked the heaven scene toward the end. It reminds me of THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS song about 'Rock & Roll Heaven'. And in this picture, that 'hell of a band' is... you guessed it, THE BACKSTREET BOYS. Forget about the rest of the film. The Backstreet Boys reunion, alone, is worth the price of a matinee.

In my version of eternal paradise, there are seven circles of heaven. When I die, I'll be kickin' it on the top circle with Ghandi, Jesus and Kirk Cameron. We'd have these wild parties, do blow all night, and invite hookers from the sixth circle up to hang out and watch episodes of PERFECT STRANGERS.

Notable Fictional Depictions Of Heaven

-2PACALYPSE NOW
2pac in the 'I AIN'T MADE AT MAD AT CHA' music video. He predicted his own untimely demise, and he had a bunch of cool cats hanging out with him in the clouds: Redd Foxx, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Nat King Cole, Miles Davis, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, Don King, Florence Ballard, Sammy Davis Jr., and Louis Armstrong.
-TITANIC (1997)
They had to end the movie on a positive note, you can't just have people drowning. That's not only predictable, but depressing as well. At the end, the heaven Rose goes to is the Titanic. She's spending eternity in a ship on the perpetual verge of sinking. That doesn't sound so heavenly.
-7TH HEAVEN
While it didn't literally take place in heaven. One hour
a week, I was fooled into thinking heaven is a place on earth.

THIS IS THE END is not good, it's SUPERBAD.

THIS IS THE END
OF MY REVIEW.

Final Verdict: 87 out of 100

The Purge

THE PURGE
R
85 Minutes
Director: James DeMonaco
Writer: James DeMonaco
Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Max Burkholder

Cast
Ethan Hawke … James Sandin
Lena Headey … Mary Sandin
Max Burkholder … Charlie Sandin
Adelaide Kane … Zoey Sandin

Before we go any further. I want to emphasize: THE PURGE is NOT a sequel to FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

It’s A Game Of Hide-And-Seek, Except This Time...The Stakes Are Deadly

THE PURGE IS written and directed by James DeMonaco. You may know him as the guy who wrote JACK…Yes, JACK is a real movie, look it up.

The year is 2022, and America has evolved into a more peaceful society. But at what cost? After declaring himself King and Emperor of these United States, Obama unleashed a socialist, dystopian nightmare, so severe, that even Snake Pliskin couldn’t combat it.

One day a year, crime is legal in America. For 12 hours, people get to release all their violent urges. I’m sure there are many legal stipulations. But it’s probably best we don’t get caught up in the bullet-size holes of the premise.

Ethan Hawke is at it again. I don’t know how he still around. Going all ‘Woody Allen’ on his nanny. But Uma Thurman’s alimony will only go so far with paying the bills.

If ‘Murder Day’ really existed. I would go all out. First, I’m going to see a movie for free, record it, and upload it on the internet. Second, I’m donating blood (without telling anyone I had HIV). Third, download WHO’S THE BOSS episodes. And last, I don’t know…shoot Robin Williams. If I need a break from the ceaseless violence; I could always hide in a movie theater, where they’re playing an Ethan Hawke film.

THE PURGE might make a decent TWILIGHT ZONE episode. But not a feature-length film. If you like to see a good version of this movie, I recommend PANIC ROOM.

This film starts out by posing an interesting question. Without law, what really keeps human beings in check? But we don’t get much of an answer. Which leaves us with a violent remake of HOME ALONE.

That’s not to say there is nothing of value in THE PURGE. There were some positive elements to the movie as well. Like its overall message. Which is: people are never free to commit crimes. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves…forever. I hope you like that bowl of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL I just served you. Bon Appétit.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

After Earth

AFTER EARTH
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: Gary Whittaker, M. Night Shyamalan
Will Smith, Jaden Smith, David Denman

'It's a full time job to be a good dad.'
-Will Smith

CAST
Jaden Smith ... Kitai Raige
Will Smith ... Cypher Raige
Sophie Okonedo ... Faia Raige
Zoë Kravitz ... Senshi Raige (as Zoe Isabella Kravitz)

‘From the mind of M Night Shyamalan...’
Please, try to hold your laughter. I've got a film to review.

There is an interesting relationship between the public and M. Night Shyamalan. It's like that of my parents on report card day. As long as I didn't threaten to blow up the school, I surpassed their expectations. But Mister Shyamalan-ding-dong has pissed of far too many people, and his reputation is coming back to haunt him, like a well-conceived character in one of his movies.

M. Night has yet to direct a good movie. UNBREAKABLE was okay, even good in specific parts, but it merely approaches good without arriving at the destination.But I know AFTER EARTH will be different.

Earth to Will

In AFTER EARTH, Will Smith plays a black Captain Picard. Or shall I say Captain Picard plays a white Will Smith. Will has played many a military, and law enforcement personnel. But none of those roles prepared him for this. Except, I AM LEGEND, ID4, LEGEND OF BAGGAR VANCE, I,ROBOT, MIB, INDEPENDENCE DAY, HITCH, and THE SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

Some time in the future...

Kitai Raige and his son, Cypher, two homeboys in outer space, are looking for are a nice place to crash. When their spaceship collides with into planet Earth, it renders Kitai immobile, so his son has to complete a dangerous obstacle course.Every step of the way, he instructs his son to navigate the planet.

Kitai goes back to earth and back in time. He arrives at the year 1990, and Jayden is going to West Philadelphia to prevent Will from getting in one little fight. No, I'm joking, he's going to Bel Air to prevent Carlton from taking speed at a dance.

Back To The Real Story

Cypher is a military officer, who is never fun to be around. I believe he has Asperger's or something. His son, Kitai, only wants his father's approval, but has a tough time getting it. Good thing we have a couple of hours to resolve this issue.

Just The Two Of Us.

This film, should we place the blame in on Will Smith or M. Knight. The credits show the story was written by Will Smith, but is that the truth? I think so. Look at the character names: Kitai, Cypher, Faisal, Senshi. Only one man, with a daughter named Willow, could give human beings such bizarre names.

AFTER EARTH has many flaws, but it's not awful, just shy of average. More than anything, this film is forgettable.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Hangover III

THE HANGOVER III
R
100 Minutes
Director: Todd Philpps
Writers: Todd Phillips, Craig Mazin, Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis

CAST
Bradley Cooper … Phil
Ed Helms … Stu
Zach Galifianakis … Alan
Ken Jeong … Mr. Chow
John Goodman … Marshall
Melissa McCarthy…Cassie

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty: Oh! They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house. I’m not made of stone!- THE SIMPSONS, Episode 8F24

Be forewarned: This review has many spoilers. Although, I don’t know if spoil is the right word.  Can you  spoil an egg salad sandwich that’s been sitting inside a crawl space for two weeks?

The second film was so bad.  And like number two, all the laughs are in the first twenty minutes. I do like that this franchise is over. At least I hope so.  

Alan buys a giraffe. When he’s on the freeway, the animal gets decapitated. Creating  a major traffic pileup. His dad dies from all the stress.

Friends stage an intervention for Allen.  On the way to the treatment facility, Doug is kidnapped. Doug? Do you even remember what he looks like? I have no emotional attachment to this interchangeable, ‘White Doug’ character. Doug got married in the first HANGOVER, but he was largely unseen for most of that film.

Like those folks in CITY SLICKERS II.  John Goodman, and ‘Black Doug’ want their missing gold. And Mr Chow, that irritating guy from the first two movies, he has the gold.

The third instalment was better than the second HANGOVER. I’ll give them that. The three films don’t form a cohesive whole. .This was a BACK TO THE FUTURE-type trilogy, not a preplanned LORD OF THE RINGS one.

The film closes when Alan falls in love with Cassie, a pawn shop broker in Las Vagas. She is a character, as you might imagine. At this point, I thought, this movie was awful, but at least they’re leaving it off on a positive note. But right before the credits roll, Ed Helms walks out with a boob job.

HANGOVER III is a misleading title. Like with the show GOOD TIMES. There were no good times to be had on that TV program. I had a ‘good time’ laughing at their misery, but that’s beside the point.  But in this film, no one did any serious drinking, or made any bad decisions under the influence of alcohol. The characters were in real danger. But nobody had any fun in the process, and that’s where this movie fails, its lack of fun. Appropriately enough, I did enjoy it as much as a real hangover.

Final Verdict: 42 out of 100

Behind The Candelabra

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA
R
120 Minutes
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writers: Richard LaGravenese, Alex Thorleifson, Scott Thorson
Matt Damon, Micheal Douglas, Scott Bakula

Mr. Sandman bring us a dream (Yes)
Give him a pair of eyes with a come-hither gleam
Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci
And lots of wavy hair like Liberace
MR SANDMAN, CHORDETTES

CAST
Matt Damon ... Scott Thorson
Michael Douglas ... Liberace
Rob Lowe ... Dr. Jack Startz
Scott Bakula ... Bob Black

There was one thing Liberace was always trying to hide from the public, which involves a social stigma: the fact that he was bald. He lived at a time when being bald was just plain weird. Back in the days of yore, not just anyone could pull off the Yule Brenner look.

Like Rock Hudson, Liberace has always been the butt of many gay jokes, if you'll pardon the pun.

Michael Douglas plays the Liberace character so perfect,  you forget about the actor behind the mask. An eerily, true-to-life portrayal of a man. Kind of like the way Jim Carey played Andy Kaufman in MAN ON THE MOON.

Matt Damon played the Lee Liberace's, lover, man servant, and drug keeperawayer. You could tell he did a bit of research for his role. It seems as though he's taken notes from Katherine Zeta-Jones on how to pretend to love an old, wrinkly man, on the perpetual cusp of death.

The plastic surgeon is an interesting guy. Essentially, Rob Lowe takes his character from PARKS AND RECREATION, then, he adds a drug addiction, and a medical license.  Becoming a real-life Dr. Nick from THE SIMPSONS.

I'm not one to be judgmental,  and I try to keep an open mind.  But I think making your  boyfriend get plastic surgery, so he can look exactly like you, is a bit weird. Especially if you're a woman. But even if you're a man, like here, it still seems  bizarre, and unhealthy. Things don't exactly turn out the way Liberace expected. As the plastic surgery progresses, things go horribly wrong.  The boyfriend ends up looking like a modern-day Ray Liotta.

Scott Bakula is the only actor I wasn't surprised to see in this film. And it's not because he played the gay neighbor in AMERICAN BEAUTY, or the fact that he posed in PLAYGIRL.  No, it's because Sam Beckett needs to take a 'Quantum Leap' back to the 70s, to prevent Liberace from getting AIDS, by means of dissuading him from continuing his homosexual lifestyle.

I don't have too many complaints . It's too long... the movie that is. Cut 20 to 30 minutes, and you're left with a more powerful film, that gets straight to the point.

Also, I'm going to have to subtract a few points.  Here, in America, BEHIND THE CANDELABRA was on HBO. Which delayed the current GAME OF THRONES season by a week.  But if you missed this film, you can visit another country. They are playing it in actual theaters.

Final Verdict: 84 out 100

Fast & Furious 6

FAST & FURIOUS 6
PG-13
130 minutes
Director: Justin Lin
Writers: Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson (characters)
Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang

CAST
Dwanye Johnson…Hobbs  
Dominic Toretto…Vin Diesel
Brian O’Conner..Paul Walker
Michelle Rodriguez…Letty
Tyrese Gibson…Roman
Sung Kang… Han
Ludacris … Tej
Luke Evans… Shaw

‘I’m a little disappointed in the ass level of this movie. Me and Luda, specifically, are into way more voluptuous…round…not just a butt, were talking boboli’. –Tyrese Gibson (Interview, Jake the Movie Guy interview on YouTube…off the cuff…taken completely out of context)

Apart from LEONARD 6, in film franchises, the sixth movie usually isn’t very good. DEATH WISH 6 got made, but it was never released. As it turns out, no one wanted to see an 87-year old, Chuck Branson lie in a hospital bed for two hours. The DEATH WISH series isn’t about assisted suicide.

After barely escaping a car explosion, Letty develops amnesia. And now she is fighting for the bad guys, like Anakin Skywalker in STAR WARS.  This is OVERBOARD-style, she’s Goldie Hawn, and the Pierce Brosnan-sounding, villain is Kurt Russell. On a positive note, having amnesia means she doesn’t remember the first five ‘FAST AND FURIOUS’ movies.

I’d like to think, eventually, we’ll get to the point where we can create realistic avatars of ageing action stars, like they did with John Wayne in those beer commercials. They could make many people look less pathetic.

In my FAST FIVE review, I said Vin Diesel had Down Syndrome. It was completely out of line, it’s something I regret saying. Because that just makes people with Down syndrome look bad.

The white t-shirt and jeans look has never suited Dominic Toretto. A character like that, needs to wear a button-down shirt with flames on it.  Vin Diesel, that’s probably not his real name. I think he changed it, proactively, so he could appear in the perfect car movie. And when that didn’t pan out. He starred in THE FAST & FURIOUS. His scenes were priceless. Especially, when he’s talking to Michelle Rodriguez about the love they once shared. It makes you wonder whether she’s faking the amnesia to get out of the relationship.

‘Ride or Die’

FAST 6 is as close to perfection as it gets. I do have some minor complaints though. There weren’t enough explosions, suped-up Chargers, or chunks of bad dialogue.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Sidenote: Fast 7 is on the way. Brace yourself.

The Big Wedding

THE BIG WEDDING
R
89 Minutes
Director: Justin Zackham
Writers: Justin Zackham, Jean-Stéphane Bron, Karine Sudan
Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton

CAST
Robert De Niro … Don
Katherine Heigl … Lyla
Diane Keaton … Ellie
Topher Grace … Jared
Susan Sarandon … Bebe

‘For the next three days you and I are married…’

Don and Ellie are happily divorced, for several years now. But they will become fake married for a few days. Because the conservative, biological mother from Columbia (the country-not the college) is stopping by to make sure things are kosher. More on her in the next paragraph.

The groom grew up with adopted parents. Then, out of nowhere, his biological mother comes to see his wedding. She the abandoned him as an infant. But suddenly, her opinion matters?

With Such A Simple Premise, What Could Go Wrong?

I’m not Jonathan Edwards,but I think Don and Ellie will fall in love again, briefly, before realizing they are wrong for each other.

The plot is closely related to an old sitcom cliché. The father is looking to get a promotion, so he invites the boss over for dinner, and everything must go right or else…I don’t know, he’s fired, or he never gets promoted to lieutenant. But nothing goes right. The wife is a lousy chef, and one of the kids burns the kitchen down.

These Characters Seem Familiar

Topher Grace acts exactly, like Eric Foreman in THAT 70s SHOW.

Susan Sarandon plays Don’s serious long-term girlfriend. She gives us an encore of the terminally ill wife role she played in STEPMOM.

Robert De Niro, you might know him as the creator of the prestigious, Tribeca film festival. In this, and many other of his recent films, he plays his character from MEET THE PARENTS.

For someone who has stolen so many stand-up routines on clergyman. Robin Williams gives an overly restrained performance as a Catholic priest. We don’t even get ‘PATCH ADAMS’ Robin Williams.

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Before really tackling challenging projects, these Oscar winners want to hang out with their friends and slack off a bit. The movie making process is merely incidental to their vacation and/or poker tournament. THE BIG WEDDING is just an Adam Sandler flick with an A-List actors.

After cheating on her, with his ex-wife, Don proposes to BeBe. And they get married in the middle of the daughter’s wedding ceremony. I’ve never seen marital infidelity forgiven so quickly. But you to have end this movie, and the sooner the better.

The year is young, but I think it’s safe to say Tyler Perry didn’t create the worst movie this year. The BIG WEDDING IS so crass, and filthy; it would make Redd Foxx blush, and vomit at the same time. It unfolds like a sequel to AMERICAN PIE. The only difference is you don’t want to see any of these people naked.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

The Great Gatsby

THE GREAT GATSBY
R
143 Minutes
Director: Baz Luhrmann
Writer: F Scott Fitzgerald, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pierce
Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan

CAST
Tobey Maguire Nick Carraway
Leonardo DiCaprio Jay Gatsby
Carey Mulligan Daisy Buchanan

'I've got 99 problems and bitch ain't one of them.'
-Jay-Z

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps DOWNTON ABBEY or BOARDWALK EMPIRE. But now, I got me a hankering for the 20s. 'Twas a much simpler time. When rich people weren't afraid to look rich. They proudly wore monocle with top hats, and collected $200 after passing. 'go'.

Just like with HORTON HEARS A WHO; it helps if you read the assigned reading before coming to class. It's a short novel with large text. Even fans of Dan Brown are capable of getting through this one.

Village Of West Egg

This takes place in 1922, on Long Island, and Manhattan. Just a little aside here: as someone from Long Island, they portray my Long Island brethren in far too positive a light.

My Name Is Not Seabiscuit

Jake Gyllenhaal...I mean Tobey Maguire plays Nick Carraway. He is superb, playing the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed neighbour of Jay Gatsby.

I didn't like the Jay-Z part of the soundtrack. It's not that I don't like his music. Wait, that's exactly what it is.DJANGO UNCHAINED got the modern soundtrack to work. Besides, there's plenty of good music from the 1920s. ...like...I'm not sure...I can't think of any now. Oh, yeah, there's that one song: Hello, my baby-Hello, my honey-Hello, my ragtime gal.

My Heart Will Go On

Leonardo DiCaprio hasn't too many blemishes on his résumé. With his more recent roles, he's definitely established himself as someone people aren't going to forget about after he's gone. A sort of immortality. Like with Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, or David Arquette.

This GREAT GATSBY is better than the one from 1974, written by Nick Cage's uncle, Francis Ford Coppola. There are many versions, some you may not have heard of. The first in 1926, then 1949, and this one everyone forgets; the A&E movie from 2000. Starring, none other than Paul Rudd. In what can only be described as a very fine, tongue-and-cheek performance. Check it out.

Because of the mixed reviews. I'm on my own, in my praise of this film. I enjoyed THE GREAT GATSBY, but you might not. It just doesn't have broad appeal. This movie is only for literature geeks, and people who love good costume design (not that the two can't overlap).

Final Verdict: 84 out of 100

Filly Brown

FILLY BROWN
R
120 Minutes
Directors: Youssef Delara, Michael D. Olmos
Writer: Youssef Delara
Gina Rodriguez, Jenni Rivera, Lou Diamond Phillips

CAST
Gina Rodriguez … Majo Tonorio
Jenni Rivera … Maria Tonorio
Lou Diamond Phillips … Jose Tonorio
Edward James Olmos … Leandro
Noah Gugliemi…Big Cee

‘As a matter of fact dawg, here’s a pencil, go home, write some shit, make it suspenseful; and don’t come back ’til somethin’ dope hits you. Fuck it, you can take the mic home wit’ you.’ -B. Rabbit, 8 MILE (2002)

Because I’m studying Spanish, I find myself watching a lot of really bad Univision programming. Back in December Jenni Rivera died in a plane crash. She was such an icon in the Latin community, that they’re talking about her all these months later. Unfortunately, this was one of her last projects. In a couple of years, everyone will forget this FILLY BROWN film was ever made. It’s similar to Aaliyah and QUEEN OF THE DAMNED.

Considering Lou Diamond Phillips played Ritchie Valens in LA BAMBA. It’s an eerie coincidence he stars in this movie. Because here, his fictional wife died in a real plane crash.

Does a movie still play when no one’s around to see it? Yes, I walked into this two minutes late. And because no one was around; I received many strange looks from theater employees. And it wasn’t because I was jerking off during the movie.

I think what they were going for a female, 8 MILE, with a younger version of Michelle Rodriguez.

‘Filly Brown’ is a young, aspiring, urban poet. She auditioned for Fat Joe’s ‘Terror Squad’. Later on, she becomes disheartened by the rejection letter she received in the mail.

But she’s not going to let an overweight rapper crush her dreams. She’s doing this rap thing on her own.

Filly Brown…More Like Filly Shit

Big Cee is a big-shot record producer. A Latino, Suge Knight, except, not as nice. He’s making ‘Filly’ turn into something she’s not. A good rapper.

Her sensitive male friend, delegates himself in charge of keeping it real. Surprisingly, he’s not happy with this the new Motown ‘Filly’. She turned into Eazy-E: a ‘studio gangsta’…with AIDS.

If we can learn anything from Kid ‘n Play; it’s that bad rapping doesn’t go with a bad movie. If you’re looking for bad rapping, and a tolerable film. I suggest watching I’M STILL HERE, or MALIBU’S MOST WANTED.

What Ever Happened To Predictability?

At one point, it seemed like this movie was coming to a close. It felt like an ending you’d see on FULL HOUSE. They had the serious father-daughter conversation: where an issue gets resolved or someone learns a lesson. From there, they cue up the dramatic music. Soon as you’re expecting to hear ‘I love you Dad’. The very emotional rapping starts. Overcome with tears, ‘Filly’ couldn’t finish the lyrics she had written. End scene.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Oblivion

OBlIVION
PG-13
124 Minutes
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Writers: Joseph Kosinski, Karl Gajdusek
Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko

CAST
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

‘You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.’ Iceman, TOP GUN (1986)

I’m going to try to get through this without making any jokes about Tom Cruise, his religious beliefs, his level of sanity, past romances, or his small stature; because those jokes have been made already , and I don’t like redundancy.

Nut-job-scientologist-divorcé, strikes gold once again. John Travolta tells his long-time buddy, Tom Cruise, to audition for OBLIVION.

I can’t stay away from an apocalypse movie. I like seeing people at their worst. To grossly paraphrase Charles Dickens, the worst of times can bring out the best in people.

Tom Cruise is still getting parts for non-pornographic films. Which is great. Because in the future, his only option will be; to write, direct, produce, and play all the roles, in one of his own movies. Eddie Murphy-style.

The year is 2077. The rest of humanity is going to Titan. Jack Harper is the last man on a war-torn earth. He fixes robots, because they’re not smart enough to fix themselves yet.

Nearly an hour elapses before Morgan Freeman appears in this movie. Nothing too memorable here. His character was interchangeable. But I do like the Bill Cosby, with sunglasses look.

What’s the deal with the flicker in the futuristic video-phones. You can Skype, in HD, as it is. But just because that’s how it was done in STAR WARS 30 years ago doesn’t mean we have to stick with that model.

TOP GUN is the picture that peaked Cruise’s interest in aviation; without his interest in flying contraptions, this movie doesn’t exist. Which leads me to my next subject.

The Ways… I Mean: The One Way In Which TOP GUN Is Superior To OBLIVION

Just like every Hitler needs a Mussolini. Every ‘Maverick’, needs an ‘Iceman’. Jack Harper does fight a clone of himself (you can tell they’re different because one of them has a goatee). I’m sorry, but that’s just not the same as having an ice-cold nemesis.

Conclusion

With a handful of exceptions. Most of Tom Cruises movies are better than average. And yes, this is one of those movies. Good, but not quite excellent. Nonetheless, you should see this because, visually, this film is spectacular.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Phil Spector (Mini-Review)

PHIL SPECTOR
NR (HBO)
Director: David Memet
Writer: David Memet
Al Pacino, Helen Mirren, Jeffery Tambor

Cast
Al Pacino...Phil Spector
Helen Mirren... Linda Kenney Baden
Jeffrey Tambourine...Bruce Cutler

'Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute, blood in the Bronco, the cuts on the hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god he did it! '
-Homer Simpson THE SIMPSONS, DABF08

Is a genius ever responsible for his or her supposed crimes?
Absolutely not.
Look at Einstein, without his discoveries, atomic bombs wouldn't have dropped on Hiroshima. That man is a monster.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Like a rapper on trial. The only thing Phil Spector is guilty of is being a thug. The merits of the case are never called into question, because his music is on trial.

Let Me Play DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

Al Pacino was in both the GODFATHER and GILI. This man has an enormous range. He's capable of perfection and utter failure as well.

Physically, Al Pacino has an uncanny resemblance to Phil. He even got all the mannerisms down. The only problem is Al Pacino always sounds like Al Pacino.

The scene where Spector pointed a loaded gun at Leonard Cohen in a recording session. This is glossed over, even though it was completely relevant to the trial.

This movie isn't bad, but the story is incomplete. It could use some bad reenactments, like the ones you would see on AMERICA'S MOST WANTED. You'd also need John Walsh's voice to go along with these reenactments.

I like where they ended the movie. To pay homage to Hendrix. Spector walks into the courtroom with an afro wig. I think it's how Jimi would have wanted it, leaving this world in style.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Jurassic Park (3D) (1993)

JURASSIC PARK (3D) (1993)
127 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer: Michael Crichton
Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Golblum, Samuel L. Jackson

Cast
Sam Neill-Dr. Alan Grant
Laura Dern-Dr. Ellie Sattler
Jeff Goldblum-Dr. Ian Malcolm
Richard Attenborough-John Hammond
Samuel L. Jackson-Ray Arnold
Martin Ferrero-Donald Gennaro

‘Well, sir, I won’t bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.’
-(Charlie) THE SIMPSONS, EP. 1F07

It’s been 20 years since this movie played in a theater. I went back to the place where I saw it as a child. But that’s a TJ Maxx now. General Cinemas doesn’t exist either. But I made the 1-block trek across the parking lot and saw it at a new theater.

I tried reading JURASSIC PARK, the book, as a kid. Not the one by Michael Crichton. The one with all the pictures, based on the movie. If memory serves, I don’t believe I ever finished that.

I won’t explain the plot in great detail. Because we’ve all seen the movie multiple times. It had a 9 month theatrical release. Plus, you know what you’re getting, with the movie title.

There are a some things I never noticed, watching this movie as a kid. The first, Samuel L Jackson. All I saw him do is smoke cigarettes, I don’t understand how one character can smoke all the time, especially if he’s in a science lab. Secondly, as an adult, I now recognize that Alan and Ellie really are ready to have children of their own. And lastly, There is one scene that just infuriates me. Toward the end, where the kids are eating Jello. Really? Jello that was sitting in the sun all day, on a table, in the South Pacific. I’m no Bill Cosby, but I think that Jello would have melted long before they got there.

Was it worth $14.00 dollars?

Why, back in my day, $14.00 dollars was a lot of money. It bought 2 movie tickets, and no money for concessions. Like the Weird Al album, 3D didn’t do much for me. More than anything, this was a marketing gimmick. Which I’m fine with. It means JURASSIC PARK 4 is actually getting made; due in June of 2014. There’s no bad CGI, JURASSIC PARK remains a very watchable movie. So yes, you should absolutely see this timeless classic.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Tyler Perry's Temptation

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Vanessa Williams, Brandy Norwood

In Loving Memory of Roger Ebert (1942 –2013)Cast
Jurnee Smollett-Bell…Judith
Lance Gross…Brice
Kim Kardashian…Ava
Vanessa Williams…Janice
Robbie Jones…Harley
Brandy Norwood…Melinda

I don’t see too many Tyler Perry movies. Two, at last count. But this time, I experienced something unusual. I found myself in a packed theater, surrounded by white people who paid to see this movie. And they were laughing hysterically in random, inexplicable intervals.

Thirty minutes into this film, I thought this was the best Tyler Perry movie ever made. I suppose it was, technically speaking.

Brice and Judith are a boring, young couple. Brice is a lowly pharmacist and Judith works as a matchmaker for rich guys. And their marriage is in a bit of a rut.

She’s A Fine Girl, What A Good Wife She Would Be

Brice hires Melinda (Brandy) to work at his pharmacy. More on her later.

Brice, her husband, misses her birthday for the second year in a row. All was forgiven after she received some flowers at work. But wait a minute. Those flowers weren’t from her husband, they were from Harley.

Harley is one of Judith’s clients. Being married, Judy put up a good fight. Nonetheless, he was persistent, and pursued her relentlessly. You know something will happen between these people. I don’t know how. It all depends on how many weapons this gentleman has in his arsenal of seduction

Harley is a darker, non-golfing version of Tiger Woods. With as much passion as Tyrese and Tiger Woods put together. And he’s a billionaire.

Ahhhh Shit!

You could tell Judith had mixed feelings. She wanted to cheat on her husband, but she didn’t want to feel guilty about it.

I love the part where Harley kicked the shit out of Judith’s mom. He was very nonchalant about the incident. Sure, he’s a sociopath, and an irrational one at that. But it’s because his mother, literally, abandoned him in a crack house as an infant.

3 Letters Took Him To His Final Resting Place

Brice finds out Melinda, his employee, got AIDS from the same guy…oh, I’m sorry, HIV.

Judith, that two-timing whore got HIV. Serves her right, philandering and fornicating with that handsome devil.

There are many issues of plausibility in this movie. As a billionaire with HIV; word would get out pretty fast. Do you think Magic ‘Johnson’ goes on AIDS rampages, infecting women, left and right?

Saving The Best For Last (This Reference Works Because Vanessa Williams Is In This Movie)

Tyler Perry did something extraordinary, he made something derivative of his own screenplay. Which in itself was derivative. Derivative to the third power: D³  like the MIGHTY DUCKS. This man deserves a standing ovation.

Final Verdict: 14 out of 100

Sidenote: I couldn’t find an appropriate spot to place a Brandy-DUI joke: sincerest apologies. 

Spring Breakers

SPRING BREAKERS
R
94 Minutes
Director: Harmony Korine
Writer: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez, James Franco, Gucci Mayne

Cast
James Franco…Alien
Selena Gomez…Faith
Vanessa Hudgens…Candy
Ashley Benson…Brit
Rachel Korine… Cotty
Heather Morris…Bess
Gucci Mane … Archie

Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(Let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill)
-GRILLZ, Nelly

Florida, the state, not the character from GOOD TIMES, is one of those places I would like to think doesn’t exist. A lie, made up solely to scare young children.

Ponce de León searched for the fountain of youth in Florida. But his efforts were in vain. Little did he know, Florida is a place for people who have entirely given up on life.

This movie is about a group of girls that, very violently, rob a chicken restaurant, getting close to $50,000 dollars. All so they can go on a spring break that never ends.

Everyone here seems like unrealistic caricatures. But it’s all done for good reason. SPRING BREAKERS has one foot in a reality, and another in a separate galaxy. The movie is a film version of a concept album.

He followed Joaquin Phoenix on the set of I’M STILL HERE as research for the role.

‘Alien’ is supposed to be based off small-time rapper, ‘Dangeruss’. But there’s more to his character than that. As a casual observer, I see pieces of Paul Wall, Dirt Nasty, and pre-seizure, Lil Wayne. Also, the name ‘Alien’ is a nod to the Outkast album, ATLIENS.

I ‘m not familiar with Selena Gomez, or her ‘WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE’. All I know is that seeing her in this makes me feel like a pedophile.

He stayed in character for a whole year, corn rows and all. Which made Selena Gomez think James Franco really was a creepy guy. That’s a brilliant move, plausible deniability. This is an example of a conversation the two might have:                     

I’m not hittin’ on you,  your half my age. I’m staying in character to maintain the integrity of this here movie. As James Franco, it’s only natural that your sexual fantasies involve me.  I think you’re letting your imagination get the best of you. While were on the set, could you please try to keep things professional. Now go rinse your mouth out with Scope.

I like this movie, it is a deeply disturbing, unforgettable experience.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

23 Minutes To Sunrise

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE
NR
80 Minutes
Director: Jay Kanzler
Writers: Patrick Pinkston, Jay Kanzler
Eric Roberts, Nia Peeples, Bob Zany

Cast
Daniel…Julia Robert’s Brother
Rachel…Mia Peeples
Eddie…Dingani Bess
Ted…Bob Zany
Sheila …Jilanne Klaus
Hannah…Haley Busch

‘Pssst… psssssst…  Are you afraid to die, or do you wanna live forever …’
-2pac, ONLY FEAR OF DEATH

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE reminds me of that NIGHTHAWKS painting. A bunch of miserable people eating at a corner diner, watching 23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE on television. Most of this film takes place at a diner.

Something about this diner is a bit off; maybe it’s the cherry pie.  It’s not hell, we know that much. The only restaurants in hell are Denny’s and IHOP. Maybe Arby’s, depending on which circle of Dante’s hell you happen to reside in.  Either way, there would be Muzak with Lenny Kravitz ‘FLY AWAY’ playing on a constant loop. 

‘Some people are afraid to die; sometimes, I think waking up alive seems worse.’
 
These are the words of an intriguing line cook at a late-night diner. His tours in both, Iraq and Afghanistan, have filled his soul with an existential thirst, which can never be quenched, not even with the mightiest chalice of Sprite . His figurative wounds can only be healed with a pen and paper. Eddie is using GI Bill money to take an English class at the University…of Devry.

Daniel is one of many shady people, eating at the diner.  He’s there with, what appears to be, a 30-year old female. She has 23 minutes to trade her immortality with an unsuspecting diner patron (I don’t understand how 23 minutes get stretched out to 80).

I like how they went with the name Daniel. Nothing too clever, like ‘John Milton’, ‘Joe Black’, or ‘Grim Reaper’. Just Daniel.

Eric Roberts, you might recognize him as the villain from THE SPECIALIST.  On the small screen, he is known for his cameo on CELEBRITY REHAB.

An interesting premise, that fails to explore significant questions. Trim this down, and this could be the opening scene in an X-FILES episode.

Immorality has its perks and its drawbacks. Immortality though, that’s the business, there is only upside. Even someone with eternal life, might not have enough time to see this eighty minute film.

Final Verdict: 43 out of 100

Oz The Great And Powerful

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
PG
130 Minutes
Director: Sam Raimi
Writers: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire, L. Frank Baum
James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis

I banish you from the Emerald City, never to return.
-Seattle Municipal Court Judge  (Katt Williams vs The State of Washington)

Cast
James Franco–Oz
Mila Kunis–Theodora
Rachel Weisz–Evanora
Michelle Williams–Annie / Glinda
Zach Braff–Frank / Finley
Bill Cobbs–Master Tinker
Joey King–Girl in Wheelchair / China Girl

Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
The world’s a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
-THE FIFTH DIMENSION
 
This film begins in black and white. Oz leaves  a crime scene in a hot air balloon, in the middle of a tornado. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a Skittles commercial, unlike any other.

Try, Try, Try To Understand…..I’m A Magic Man

As illustrated in first WIZARD OF OZ (1939). The ‘wizard’, was actually incapable of granting wishes. This wizard was a fraud. People are deceived by appearances, and he used this to his advantage. Still, he uses this ability for a noble purpose.

Kunis, Williams, and Franco: sitcom  stars of the 90′s unite. Surprisingly, Melissa Joan Hart has no part of this. She should’ve at least had a small cameo, it would be a joke… that only I would get.

I don’t understand this Kingdom Of Oz. Who’s to say a traditional monarchy is right for people of Oz? I would have strived to create a more just, democratic society. Look at roads, they are literally paved with gold. All because a tyrant wanted it that way.

Good Witch…Good Grief

Good witch, it sounds like a contradiction in terms; like a cokehead comedian. A good witch is not a witch at all, she (or he) more closely resembles a fairy godmother.
There’s a monkey in this movie. It’s about the most god damn adorable monkey I’ve ever seen. Think Ross’s monkey on FRIENDS. Except, it can talk, fly, and not interact with David Schwimmer.

I thought the monkey was played by Billy Crystal. But it was that guy from SCRUBS. I had all these Billy Crystal jokes ready. You’re just going to have to wait for Billy Crystal to do a bad movie to hear them.

There's No Place Like Home

The film is done with the right amount of seriousness. Yet there’s acknowledgement to the ridiculousness of it all. Much akin to the first SHREK.

OZ lacks depth, realistic characters, and musical numbers. This movie is good enough to check out, but it’s not essential viewing. If you are looking for something to sync up with the DARKSIDE OF THE MOON, I suggest you look elsewhere.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Sidenote: I’m always confusing Munchkins with Oompa-Loompas. I can’t be the only one.
Side-Sidenote: If you want to see an Oz film without token black actors. You might want to watch THE WHIZ (1978). Starring Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

Small Soldiers (Retro)

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998)
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Joe Dante
Writers: Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Kirsten Dunst, Gregory Smith, David Cross

Cast
David Cross–Irwin Wayfair
Gregory Smith–Alan Abernathy
Kirsten Dunst–Christy Fimple
Phil Hartman–Phil Fimple

SMALL SOLDIERS
Why it's not as bad as you think
An Essay By E. Dunn

SMALL SOLDIERS is one of those films that if you didn’t see it at a movie theater, you probably never bothered renting it on video. This movie never really got it’s due. Because it wasn’t the movie people were expecting. Also, releasing it two weeks before SAVING PRIVATE RYAN didn’t help much. In film, war is something to be glorified; not something to be thoughtfully examined.

I watched SMALL SOLDIERS on my 14th birthday. I had  the Burger King toys. And I bought the soundtrack, even though most of those songs weren’t  even in the movie. I like the way Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony re’hash’ed Edwin Starr’s WAR; that is one crunchy, stone grove. The marketing was out of control. Just look at that image at the top of the page. I don’t recall any karate fighting in the movie, yet we have the ‘Rock’em Sock’em Robots’ knock off, ‘Karate Fighters’.

Things That Made The Film Watchable

Those involved thought this project was a good idea. They brought in the animatronics guy from JURASSIC PARK.
Tommy Lee Jones, and the original ‘DIRTY DOZEN’ did the Commando Elite. The Gorgonites were done mostly by members of Spinal Tap.

This movie had plenty of shortcomings. Mostly with the live-action parts. I could have lived without the prepubescent romance between Christy (Dunst) and Alan (Smith). Oh man, Alan is in for a rude awakening when he finds out Dunst’s character doesn’t really go for dorky, Peter Parker-esque-type characters.

There Are Many Questions:

• What does destiny mean?
• Did the technology for self-aware action figures exist in 1998?
• When do they run out of batteries?

The Eternal Battle Between Good And Evil

When I did intramural softball in middle school, I was the team captain. On the first day, without consulting my teammates, I came up with ‘The Freaks’, as our team name, and we weren’t very good. So I could relate to the plight of the Gorgonites.  I have a soft spot in my heart for those who aren’t good at doing things.

The Commando Elite fought the Gorgonites. And like the Detroit Lions, Gorgonites are programmed to lose. Eventually, they will go on to question this programming. These intelligent creatures teach us that many great things are accomplished with nonviolent resistance. But they also know that some conflicts can’t be resolved peacefully. Hence Archer’s bow and arrow.

Conclusion

I have mixed feelings on SMALL SOLDIERS. The title isn’t misleading, that’s a plus. But the more interesting characters don’t get enough screen time. While it doesn’t quite reach the level of greatness; it’s more than a grenade’s throw away from awful.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100