Blind Fury (Retro)

BLIND FURY (1989)
86 min
R
Director: Phillip Noyce
Writers: Ryôzô Kasahara, Charles Robert Carner
Rutger Hauer, Terry O'Quinn, Brandon Call

Not To Be Confused With The Rapper 'Blind Fury'Cast
Rutger Hauer...Nick Parker
Terry O'Quinn...Frank Devereaux
Brandon Call...Billy Devereaux
Noble Willingham...MacCready
Randall 'Tex' Cobb...Slag

'I also do circumcisions.'
-Nick Parker

Ray Charles Played The Piano, But This Guy Will Play You For A Fool.

Making fun of the blind is the only thing that offends me. Don't get me wrong. I like a Helen Keller joke as much as the next guy. But those jokes come across as crass and offensive in movie form. Like in DUMB AND DUMBER, when Lloyd sold a dead parakeet to a blind kid. Okay, that was funny, but it's the exception that proves the rule.

In movies, disabled people can carry out a great deal. The KARATE KID fought with one leg. TOM HANKS had AIDS in PHILADELPHIA. And then there was Kevin Costner in that one movie.

At first glance, BLIND FURY looks like THE BOOK OF ELI or DAREDEVIL. What separates this film from those titles is the vague semblance of humor. On a related note, I urge you not to take the R-rating too seriously. At its core, this is a light-hearted fare. Think of it as a violent Disney movie with profanity.

BLIND FURY is based on the Japanese TV series, ZATOICHI. Which was about a blind, American guy, who's proficient in the art of saber-rattling.

Nick Parker is a sword fighter, blinded as a soldier in Vietnam. Without a futuristic, LeVar Burton-esque device to replace his sense of sight; he has to fight his battles with a giant sword.

Where Do I Know Those Actors From?

The young kid, played by Brandon Call, was Patrick Duffy's oldest son (not Cody) on STEP BY STEP. In this movie, the blind guy has to take care of the kid. Because one night, his mom got loaded...with shot gun shells, rendering her lifeless body useless in the realm of child care.

JOHN LOCKE from LOST, or as he is more commonly known, by his earth name, Terry O'Quinn. In this movie, his character makes designer drugs, well, he used to, and now he has to again. He's Billy's father, but you'd never know it unless you glanced at the credits.

I love all the crazed Vietnam veteran characters in films. RAMBO is the most obvious example. But my favourite is Jerry O'Connell in THE SIXTIES miniseries. After coming back from the war, he grows his hair out, wreaking havoc on American society.

Conclusion

BLIND FURY was falsely advertised. First issue, I looked, and there was no one named 'Fury' in the cast. Also, from the previews I thought I was going to watch an unapologetically bad, offensive movie. One I could poke fun at, mercilessly. But instead, I got something mildly amusing. And lastly, after watching the whole thing, I found out this Nick Parker character isn't blind at all, just visually impaired.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

Grown Ups 2

GROWN UPS II
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Dennis Dugan
Writers: Fred Wolf, Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Kurt McKenzie

Cast
Adam Sandler…Lenny Feder
Salma Hayek…Roxanne Chase-Feder
Kevin James…Eric Lamonsoff
Chris Rock…Kurt McKenzie

The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
And we’ll be better
The second time around
STEP BY STEP (THEME SONG)

BILLY MADISON PART VII

Walking into this, I knew, the second movie would be better than the first GROWN UPS. Because movie ratings don’t go less than zero.

GROWN UPS (1) made so much money,  Adam Sandler gave Maseratis to the main cast members, and he still had enough money left over to make a sequel.

BEDTIME STORIES

The main plot, from what I could tell. The old guys, and a local fraternity are at war. Over a swimming quarry, and who it belongs to. The Alpha Betas are the whitest, waspiest, college guys ever.  And the grand finale involves a battle between the two groups.

Nick Swardson, star of the worst movie ever made, BUCKY LARSON, replaces, Rob Schneider in GROWN UPS II. He plays a burnout bus driver (think ‘Auto’ from THE SIMPSONS) with complete perfection.

Let’s move on to a man who’s made the second worst movie of all time. Former NBA baller, and basketball player, Shaquille ‘The Shamrock’ O’Neil. In Miami, he’s banned from lawn enforcement, not for making KAZAAM, but for using foul language in a freestyle rap…while drunk at a concert. Which is interesting, since  the ‘man of steel’ released five profanity-laced, studio albums before becoming a police officer. Anyway, the rap was about Kobe.  O’Neil should get a free pass; or does the Miami Beach Sheriff think that raping hotel employees is cool? But I digress. O’Neil’s desire to implement the law is still intact. In GROWN UPS II, he plays a cop, who isn’t too keen on law and order. Shaq is kind of funny in this role,  which is more than I can say about most of the cast.

The blonde kid from HARRY POTTER is at it again. Here, he  runs a summer camp for special needs kids…No, I’m joking, he’s playing a dooshy frat guy. And that’s the type of guy he will play, forever. That is, unless Macaulay Culkin dies during the filming of HOME ALONE 10: LOST IN THE NURSING HOME. In which case, he would make a suitable replacement.

GROWN UPS DRIVER

‘We’re irrelevant, we’re losers. You saw the way those frat guys treated us.’

What’s most upsetting is the waste of comedic talent. Except for David Spade, all these comedians are capable of much more, hilarity.

Now we get a second movie that no one asked for. No wait, that’s wrong, many people wanted this sequel. Not me though, I thought  a sub-par sequel might tarnish the legacy of the GROWN UPS franchise. But I was wrong: GROWN UPS II surpassed my expectations.

Final Verdict: 28 out of 100
Sidenote: Stayed tuned for a retro review of BLIND FURY.

The Ringer (Retro)

THE RINGER (2005)
PG-13
94 minutes 
Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Johnny Knoxville, Brian Cox, Katherine Heigl

Cast
Johnny Knoxville ... Steve Barker
Brian Cox...Gary Barker
Katherine Heigl...Lynn Sheridan
Jed Rees...Glen

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on.
THE BEATLES, LIFE GOES ON (THEME)

As a tenth-grader, in my English class, we had a short written assignment, answering a question: Do you think saying 'that's retarded' is offensive,  and why? My response, no, I don't think retards are capable of being offended. In retrospect, I recognize how hilarious, and insensitive my remarks were. Maybe I was just releasing pent-up rage, because that kid in middle school called me 'Special Ed'.

I saw this at a theatre,  but recently, THE RINGER aired on Comedy Central. It was something I had completely forgot about. After my second viewing" I realized that  I have to criticize this film now, before people forget about it altogether.  Kind of like the Nuremberg trials.

Johnny Knoxville hasn't declared himself a serious actor, by words or action. So I can't judge him on the same scale as Sean Penn. Of all the MTV actors, Johnny Knoxville has fared better than everyone. Except, well... no, Pauly Shore doesn't count as human being. Knoxville has a couple of things going for him. One, when you squint, he looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Two, if he ever puts on weight, he'd be indistinguishable from Jim Brewer. THE RINGER isn't Knoxville's worst movie. That award goes to GRAND THEFT PARSONS (2004).  But this might be his most memorable role.

There are many problems with THE RINGER. I can't list all of them, this is an article, not the ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. I  am going to examine a few of these problems though.

• The premise isn't plausible. You would need a doctor's help to fake any sort of mental handicap.

• The pretty, blonde Special Olympics coördinator has a dooshy, cliché boyfriend. You know he's bad news, because he pushes kids off the monkey bars at the park, while laughing maniacally.  In the middle of the movie, this guy gets caught making out with a hostess from Applebee's. It just doesn't add up. Why would a 'bad guy' cheat on his girlfriend?

• I don't think a bookie would take bets on the Special Olympics.  Not because it's immoral, or unethical. Mostly, because the competition might easily be fixed.

The Finish Line

To be fair, THE RINGER accurately depicts mentally handicapped people. With one big exception: 'Jeffey Dahmer'. But if you really want to watch a grown man go 'full-on retard' for two hours,  CORKY ROMANO would be a better option.

Final Verdict: 21 out of 100

Monster's University

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY
G
104 Minutes
Director: Dan Scanlon
Writers: Dan Scanlon, Daniel Gerson, Robert L. Baird
Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.' -Desiderius Erasmus (1500)

CAST (These actors did the voices of the characters. They didn't appear as themselves in cartoon form.)
Billy Crystal...Mike
John Goodman...Sullivan
Steve Buscemi...Randy
Helen Mirren...Dean Hardscrabble

When Mikey Met Sulley

Eighties-Style college films have had a good run. Starting out with ANIMAL HOUSE (1978), and ending with this movie (I hope). Forget PCU,  RUDY, or even the HOMER GOES TO COLLEGE episode on THE SIMPSONS. This is the last hurrah for 80s college movies.

Back in his college days,  Sulley was more of a legend than that other Sulley. You know, the one that landed the plane. He is a monster-machine that can scare the shit out of anything, and shotgun a beer in two seconds flat.

Mike, on the other hand has trouble scaring children. He's about as scary as Billy Crystal is funny. And that retainer in his mouth doesn't help his situation.

Mike and Sulley are like Chris Farley and David Spade. You have a strait-laced dude, and a carefree man. One guy eats oatmeal for breakfast, and the other goes to McDonald's; and orders two McGriddles, puts a Hershey bar between the two sandwiches, and makes a McGriddle Big Mac. And...well, you get where this is going.  Clashing personalities  forced to work together.

Nerds!!!

MONSTER'S U starts out with the basic elements from the REVENGE OF THE NERDS plot. Except, one jock, Sulley, is in the nerd frat voluntarily. Could you just imagine? It would be like Stan Gable (Ted McGinley) joining Lambda Lambda Lambda. And instead of the 'Greek Games', we have the 'Hunger Games'...I mean 'Scare Games'.

Being a prequel, we know how this ends. But is the journey worth watching?

I suppose so, it's a better-than-average Pixar movie. They waited awhile to make a prequel and that's admirable. Which is more than I can say CITY SLICKERS II. MONSTER'S UNIVERSITY isn't wholly original. Nonetheless, it is enjoyable. Like something John Hughes would create in his prime.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100
Sidenote:  I didn't like how 'Art' is ripped-off of 'Grimace' from McDonald's. Just because no one would notice, doesn't make it right.

The Call

THE CALL
R
94 Minutes
Director: Brad Anderson
Writers: Richard D’Ovidio, Nicole D’Ovidio, Jon Bokenkamp
Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin, Morris Chestnut

CAST
Halle Berry…Jordan Turner
Abigail Breslin…Casey Welson
Morris Chestnut…Paul Phillips
Michael Eklund…Michael Foster
David Otunga…Officer Jake Devans

So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown
-PUBLIC ENEMY, 911 IS A JOKE (1990)

I'm going back in time to a few months ago. Like most people, I don't remember when THE CALL was out in theatres. But this film is one of Roger Ebert's last reviews. I'd be doing him a disservice, if I didn't drop a dime, and give you a ruthlessly, accurate critique of THE CALL.

Jordan Turner works at a 911 call center. During one call, she fails to keep a girl from getting murdered.She blames herself for the death, and can't seem to move past it. Jordan can't fix the past, and this becomes all too clear when one girl gets abducted.

In my opinion, the girl got herself into this mess, with that tight, revealing dress, she should figure this mess out on her own, without getting 911 involved.

A blonde, teenage girl calls 911 from the trunk of a Camry, history repeats itself. Jordan is already familiar with man who abducted this girl. He got away with murder once. Now the tables are turned, and we're left with a hair-raising tale of retribution.

The abductor is Michael Lewis Foster, a 36 year-old man who loves bad 80s pop. He's like the creepy guy who kidnapped the bear in TED.

This film's (main) weakness is its lack of plausibility.

The cops in California, are at every freeway exit, handing chicken-shit tickets out to ordinary citizens. The abductor shouldn't be so hard to track down.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I've never seen an all black police department. But there is something inherently racist about a black police department being completely inept in a film.

911 Please Someone Help Me

The way Halle Berry's character reacted to screwing up is realistic, I'll give them that. Anyone who saves lives for a living, will screw up eventually. Like with me, I'm sure I've caused many heart attacks, with my insightful prose. That's a huge burden to live with. Nonetheless, I wake up, each day, courageously, doing the only thing I know how, regardless of how many people I may hurt in the process.

The actor, Micheal Imperiola, or as he is more commonly known, the guy with the nose from THE SOPRANOS'. He's taking a break from the Tequila commercials. In this movie, he plays a legitimate businessman...'s chauffeur.

Halle Berry; she's a female Matthew McConaughey. And by that, I mean, people only see her movies because of her top-notch, set of perky...acting chops. In THE CALL she bravely dons a 'Whitney Houston...past her prime' hairdo. It speaks volumes on where she is and where her career is going.

It's Dunn

This quality picture is produced by World Wrestling Entertainment Studios. Honestly, I'd expect more from them. Vince McMahon—have you no shame?

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

This Is The End

THIS IS THE END
R
103 Minutes
Directors: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Jason Stone
James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen

CAST (Everyone Plays Themselves)
James Franco
Jonah Hill
Seth Rogen
Jay Baruchel                                                                                                  
Danny McBride
Craig Robinson

Warning: There are some spoilers in this. If you don't want the movie spoiled, watch the movie, and finish reading this review later.

Given the title of this movie, it would be easy to quote DOORS lyrics. But that's like playing the song, 'IRON MAN', at the end of the IRON MAN movie. Anyway, a wise man, whose name escapes me at the moment, once said '...the end is always near.'

Of all the places on earth, Hollywood, is the closest thing to hell on earth. So appropriately enough, our story starts in Hollywood, (the city-not the planet).

The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth

During a party at Franco's house. The rapture begins. The evil people are sucked down into hell, and the good people get sucked up into heaven.

This film is about a group of funny men who have to repent for their earthly sins, which mainly include YOUR HIGHNESS, and that awful GREEN HORNET movie.

This movie plot is plausible, because celebrities tend to keep an enormous reserve of emergency supplies. If there is ever a standoff with the police, they've got a month's supply of food, drink, and recreational supplies.

I liked the heaven scene toward the end. It reminds me of THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS song about 'Rock & Roll Heaven'. And in this picture, that 'hell of a band' is... you guessed it, THE BACKSTREET BOYS. Forget about the rest of the film. The Backstreet Boys reunion, alone, is worth the price of a matinee.

In my version of eternal paradise, there are seven circles of heaven. When I die, I'll be kickin' it on the top circle with Ghandi, Jesus and Kirk Cameron. We'd have these wild parties, do blow all night, and invite hookers from the sixth circle up to hang out and watch episodes of PERFECT STRANGERS.

Notable Fictional Depictions Of Heaven

-2PACALYPSE NOW
2pac in the 'I AIN'T MADE AT MAD AT CHA' music video. He predicted his own untimely demise, and he had a bunch of cool cats hanging out with him in the clouds: Redd Foxx, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Nat King Cole, Miles Davis, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, Don King, Florence Ballard, Sammy Davis Jr., and Louis Armstrong.
-TITANIC (1997)
They had to end the movie on a positive note, you can't just have people drowning. That's not only predictable, but depressing as well. At the end, the heaven Rose goes to is the Titanic. She's spending eternity in a ship on the perpetual verge of sinking. That doesn't sound so heavenly.
-7TH HEAVEN
While it didn't literally take place in heaven. One hour
a week, I was fooled into thinking heaven is a place on earth.

THIS IS THE END is not good, it's SUPERBAD.

THIS IS THE END
OF MY REVIEW.

Final Verdict: 87 out of 100

The Purge

THE PURGE
R
85 Minutes
Director: James DeMonaco
Writer: James DeMonaco
Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Max Burkholder

Cast
Ethan Hawke … James Sandin
Lena Headey … Mary Sandin
Max Burkholder … Charlie Sandin
Adelaide Kane … Zoey Sandin

Before we go any further. I want to emphasize: THE PURGE is NOT a sequel to FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

It’s A Game Of Hide-And-Seek, Except This Time...The Stakes Are Deadly

THE PURGE IS written and directed by James DeMonaco. You may know him as the guy who wrote JACK…Yes, JACK is a real movie, look it up.

The year is 2022, and America has evolved into a more peaceful society. But at what cost? After declaring himself King and Emperor of these United States, Obama unleashed a socialist, dystopian nightmare, so severe, that even Snake Pliskin couldn’t combat it.

One day a year, crime is legal in America. For 12 hours, people get to release all their violent urges. I’m sure there are many legal stipulations. But it’s probably best we don’t get caught up in the bullet-size holes of the premise.

Ethan Hawke is at it again. I don’t know how he still around. Going all ‘Woody Allen’ on his nanny. But Uma Thurman’s alimony will only go so far with paying the bills.

If ‘Murder Day’ really existed. I would go all out. First, I’m going to see a movie for free, record it, and upload it on the internet. Second, I’m donating blood (without telling anyone I had HIV). Third, download WHO’S THE BOSS episodes. And last, I don’t know…shoot Robin Williams. If I need a break from the ceaseless violence; I could always hide in a movie theater, where they’re playing an Ethan Hawke film.

THE PURGE might make a decent TWILIGHT ZONE episode. But not a feature-length film. If you like to see a good version of this movie, I recommend PANIC ROOM.

This film starts out by posing an interesting question. Without law, what really keeps human beings in check? But we don’t get much of an answer. Which leaves us with a violent remake of HOME ALONE.

That’s not to say there is nothing of value in THE PURGE. There were some positive elements to the movie as well. Like its overall message. Which is: people are never free to commit crimes. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves…forever. I hope you like that bowl of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL I just served you. Bon Appétit.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

After Earth

AFTER EARTH
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: Gary Whittaker, M. Night Shyamalan
Will Smith, Jaden Smith, David Denman

'It's a full time job to be a good dad.'
-Will Smith

CAST
Jaden Smith ... Kitai Raige
Will Smith ... Cypher Raige
Sophie Okonedo ... Faia Raige
Zoë Kravitz ... Senshi Raige (as Zoe Isabella Kravitz)

‘From the mind of M Night Shyamalan...’
Please, try to hold your laughter. I've got a film to review.

There is an interesting relationship between the public and M. Night Shyamalan. It's like that of my parents on report card day. As long as I didn't threaten to blow up the school, I surpassed their expectations. But Mister Shyamalan-ding-dong has pissed of far too many people, and his reputation is coming back to haunt him, like a well-conceived character in one of his movies.

M. Night has yet to direct a good movie. UNBREAKABLE was okay, even good in specific parts, but it merely approaches good without arriving at the destination.But I know AFTER EARTH will be different.

Earth to Will

In AFTER EARTH, Will Smith plays a black Captain Picard. Or shall I say Captain Picard plays a white Will Smith. Will has played many a military, and law enforcement personnel. But none of those roles prepared him for this. Except, I AM LEGEND, ID4, LEGEND OF BAGGAR VANCE, I,ROBOT, MIB, INDEPENDENCE DAY, HITCH, and THE SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

Some time in the future...

Kitai Raige and his son, Cypher, two homeboys in outer space, are looking for are a nice place to crash. When their spaceship collides with into planet Earth, it renders Kitai immobile, so his son has to complete a dangerous obstacle course.Every step of the way, he instructs his son to navigate the planet.

Kitai goes back to earth and back in time. He arrives at the year 1990, and Jayden is going to West Philadelphia to prevent Will from getting in one little fight. No, I'm joking, he's going to Bel Air to prevent Carlton from taking speed at a dance.

Back To The Real Story

Cypher is a military officer, who is never fun to be around. I believe he has Asperger's or something. His son, Kitai, only wants his father's approval, but has a tough time getting it. Good thing we have a couple of hours to resolve this issue.

Just The Two Of Us.

This film, should we place the blame in on Will Smith or M. Knight. The credits show the story was written by Will Smith, but is that the truth? I think so. Look at the character names: Kitai, Cypher, Faisal, Senshi. Only one man, with a daughter named Willow, could give human beings such bizarre names.

AFTER EARTH has many flaws, but it's not awful, just shy of average. More than anything, this film is forgettable.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100