A Madea Christmas

A MADEA CHRISTMAS
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry, Chad Michael Murray, Tika Sumpter

Cast
Tyler Perry...Madea
Anna Maria Horsford...Eileen
Tika Sumpter...Lacey

GOTCHA!

ANCHORMAN II
PG-13
119 Minutes
Director: Adam McKay
Writers: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay
Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Christina Applegate

Cast
Will Ferrell...Ron Burgundy
Christina Applegate...Veronica Corningstone
David Koechner..Champ Kind
Steven Carell...Brick Tamland
Paul Rudd...Brian Fantana
James Marsden...Jack Lime

'She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It's like a visit from you, Cass - unannounced and uncomfortable.'-SNL, MORNING LATTE (S25E19)

I hope everyone enjoys my Christmas present. What is it? I'm not reviewing Tyler Perry's A MADEA CHRISTMAS. Is not getting something a gift. Yes, a lack of presence can be the greatest present you never received. It's like having a degenerate, alcoholic uncle, who ruins Christmas every year. But let's say, he doesn't show up this year: if that's not a present, then by golly, it's a full-on, Christmas miracle. So Merry Christmas everyone, I'm reviewing ANCHOR MAN II.

This ANCHORMAN was about as good as the first one. Both films follow a similar formula. But that's not really an issue here, because it's funny. About three-quarters the way in, this film dragged a bit. This is the only flaw. But the moment you became bored, things picked up a bit. Like a Judd Apatow comedy, ANCHORMAN II was just a little too long.

This movie finished strong. Will Smith always said he didn't do cameos, only starring roles...with his children co-starring. But I'm glad he made an exception here. In this movie, Will dressed like he did in that episode of FRESH PRINCE, where he pretended to be Ashley's father in a parent-teacher conference. I don't remember what character he'd played here. Maybe a golf caddy. All kidding aside, Smith's presence was most fresh indeed.

Jim Carrey, it's good to have you back. I mean that. I hope this means an end to that long stretch of bad movies you've been in for the past eight years.

The best character in this whole movie is played by John C Reilly, he doesn't say much. If I told you his part, it would just ruin it.

Steve Carell's character was even funnier this time around. He finds love with Kristen Whiig, an equally dumb character. The same way Michael Scott found love on THE OFFICE.

Generally, I've always believed that the more a movie is promoted, the worse it is. But it's not true with ANCHORMAN II. This film is good enough, where a word of mouth campaign would have sufficed. As opposed to the overwhelming marketing campaign going on. Those Dodge Durango commercials are a bit much.

Merry Christmas readers, stay classy.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Homefront

HOMEFRONT
R
100 Minutes
Director: Gary Fielder
Writer: Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham, James Franco, Winona Ryder

CAST
Jason Statham…Phil Broker
James Franco…Morgan ‘Gator’ Bodine
Izabela Vidovic…Maddy Broker
Winona Ryder…Sheryl Marie Mott

Ex-DEA agent, Phil Broker, moved to a new town with his daughter. His wife died and now he’s doing things Danny Tanner style. By mopping the floor clean with his enemies. I don’t know what he does for a living.   His daughter gets in a fight at school with the wrong kid. And this unleashes a battle that really blows the situation out of proportion.

HOMEFRONT feels a bit like ROADHOUSE, except ROADHOUSE wasn’t this ridiculous. This movie feels closer to a condensed episode of BREAKING BAD. Without a story or character development. Gator is like Walter White. Phil is like a bald, DEA agent. There’s no Skyler though. Phil’s wife is long dead. Oh man, you know this is going to be good. Because DEA agents and drug lords go together about as well as two positively-charged ions.

Regardless of the character he’s playing, it’s always difficult not to root for James Franco. And in that way, I think he’s like a skinny Louie Anderson.  But in HOMEFRONT, he plays an unsympathetic, almost comically evil, villain. I didn’t have a problem with Franco cooking meth, but when he killed that kitten, that’s where I stop rooting for him. I found out later, he merely abducted the kitten of a nine-year-old girl. Okay cool, now I’m back on the Franco trolley. But then he tries to kill Jason Statham, and perhaps not return the kitten. This is where I had mixed emotions. On one hand, all the meth money is helping the community, but on the other hand, he’s a sociopath. But then again, meth makes people more productive…hmmm

I’m genuinely surprised to see Jason Statham and James Franco in the same movie. I wonder what the conversation was like for Franco and his agent…

So I’m playing a dooshy, meth dealer, and Jason Statham is the guy seeking revenge on me. And what’s that…Sly Stallone wrote it. Call me Thompson’s Water Seal, cuz I am on board. Perhaps I’ll have to make my trophy case larger, with all the Oscars I’m taking home from this film. And what the hell, why did you wait so long to tell me about this project?…You’re fired.

Everyone dies in the end. Not in this movie though. I think everyone knows how HOMEFRONT ends. One guy kills any desire you had to see movies with Jason Statham.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Frozen

FROZEN
PG
108 Minutes
Directors: Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee
Writers: Jennifer Lee, Chris Buck
Stars: Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, Idina Menzel

CAST
Kristen Bell..Anna
Idina Menzel… Elsa
Jonathan Groff…Kristoff
Josh Gad…Olaf
Santino Fontana…Hans
Alan Tudyk… Duke

‘Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.’-Mr Freeze, BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

Ice To Meet You

FROZEN is a tale of two, vaguely Scandinavian sisters, Queen Elsa and Princess Anna, who rein in the Kingdom of Arendelle. And if you were wondering, these women were not democratically elected.

Queen Elsa spends more time with ice than Tanya Harding. She is beauty and beast, simultaneously. Because she is a beauty, shunned by the people as freakish, and dangerous. Elsa is a female version of the Jack Frost from LEGENDS OF GUARDIAN, and  SANTA CLAUSE 3.  Don’t let the film, JACK FROST confuse you. That character doesn’t create snow, he can only use it to come back to life for his son to beat up a school bully.

With a title like FROZEN, automatically, you’ll compare it to another movie. But let me assure you, this film is nothing like ICE AGE. Sure there is snow and ice. And furry, wise-cracking animals. But that’s it. And it’s not like FROZEN was made for the sole purpose of making money.

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

FROZEN is an avalanche of many long, boring songs.  Although I found the ‘REINDEERS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE’ song incredibly enchanting, and persuasive. The soundtrack isn’t my main complaint, because the music is never good in a cartoon. Unless it’s THE JUNGLE BOOK.

In a movie about perpetual winter. You’ll be surprised to find that there are no DQ Blizzards, Icees, or Mr Freeze pop…characters. Would it really hurt anyone to have Sir Issac Lime make a cameo appearance?

Olaf, the snowman is like that kid from THE BLIND SIDE. Not super annoying, just a little irritating, to the point–you almost wished that Michael Oher didn’t save him in that car accident. As is, Olaf is a little too close to that David Spade character in THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE. In FROZEN, this snowman character should’ve been less obnoxious, and a little more adorable. I’d also be open to a stoner snowman as well. He’d be named Bro-Zen. This snowman would always have potent cron-don in his corn-cob pipe. Dispensing sage advice contained in key moments throughout the film. David Cox-Arquette will do the voice.

‘An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart.’

It’s difficult not to feel like a jaded, cynical asshole. Critiquing an anti-feminist, children’s cartoon. But even if I were a kid, there is no way I would have liked this movie. It’s about a queen and a princess that don’t really do much, or have much fun.

Visually, this movie looks spectacular. Like a well-animated, 90-minute snow globe. So I recommend you rent FROZEN next year. And play it in the background during a holiday party. But put it on mute, because you never know, it might sync up with DARK SIDE OF THE MOON.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Final Verdict: 50 out 100

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE PG-13 146 Minutes Director: Francis Lawrence Writers: Simon Beaufoy, Michael Arndt, Suzanne Collins

CAST Jennifer Lawrence–Katniss Everdeen Donald Sutherland–President Snow Josh Hutcherson–Peeta Mellark Liam Hemsworth–Gale Hawthorne Stanley Tucci–Caesar Flickerman Lenny Kravitz–Cinna Woody Harrelson–A. Burnout Philip Seymour Hoffman--Plutarch Heavensbee

‘Give ‘em guns, step back, watch em kill each other’- 2pac, CHANGES

Let The Games Begin

If we can learn anything from the Native Americans, it’s that you can solve all conflicts with archery. Also, archery is an efficient way to split an apple. (I know–William Tell references are so timely). So today I’m reviewing a movie about a girl who shoots arrows. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Just try not to think about things too hard, and you’ll be fine.

I like this movie, without really knowing why. It’s just people killing each other, very creatively.

• HUNGER GAMES is like RAMBO on Steroids…on Steroids 

• Or a season of SURVIVOR gone wrong, featuring only terrorist contestants.

• Or my favorite, the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

Characters

Lenny Kravitz really knows how to suck the life out of  a room. Every time he shows up, I sigh.  By my count, I sighed about six times in this film. But one of those was a sigh of relief.  This will be the only spoiler: but I don’t think we’re going to see any more Lenny Kravitz in future HUNGER GAMES films, unless there are flashbacks of him, or prequels. In a round about way,  I’m trying to say that he died. Yes, Lenny Kravitz died, very violently.

Donald Sutherland is such a menacing villain. And he’s good at playing one in movies.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, I’m surprised to see him in such a mainstream blockbuster. Even though he did the bare minimum in promoting this movie, Hoffman still puts much effort, in what he knows is a silly role: that’s admirable.

This Katniss character, she seems cold, and standoffish, like Jodie Foster. Maybe it’s because she’s killed so many people. Or perhaps it’s because she has suffered at the hands of so many men. She treats the men in her life like shit. Katniss needs to improve her mental health, before she breaks anymore hearts, literally, and figuratively speaking. I think therapy and treatment for PTSD are in order, which would include some potent pharmaceuticals.

Parting Words

What will happen next in THE HUNGER GAMES? I have no way of knowing, unless I read the books. Which could take a couple of weeks. Besides, I criticize movies, I don’t read books…for the purposes of movie criticism. I do know that we’ve got two more movies. And not many more people to kill off. That utopia couldn’t be too far off into the future.

This isn’t a movie made specifically for thinking people. It does have a similar ending to BIO-DOME. But that’s beside the point.  THE HUNGER GAMES series is for 13-year-old girls.  But they are not the only ones that can enjoy this movie. Pedophiles and psychopaths might like it too. And to you, the reader, wherever you may fall on the pedophile-psycopath continuum: I’m sure you won’t leave the theater hungry.

Final Verdict: 89 out of 100

Dear Mr. Watterson

DEAR MR. WATTERSON
G
89 Minutes
Director: Joel Allen Schroeder
Berkeley Breathed, Jef Mallett, Stephan Pastis

‘Are you the creator of HI AND LOIS because you are making me laugh.’
Jeff Albertson, THE SIMPSONS, 3F16

Cast (No one you would know, except Seth Green. He plays himself)

A Back Story For Those Unfamiliar With CALVIN AND HOBBES

Hobbes was a Bengal tiger, living in India. His life was so harsh, that he created a fictitious, suburban life for himself, as a coping mechanism. In this fantasy world, Hobbes lived side-by-side with an imaginative, 6-year-old boy named Calvin. The CALVIN AND HOBBES comic strip is about their pretend adventures.

Most people would describe CALVIN AND HOBBES as a better version of GARFIELD. While that's true, it's only a small part of the picture.

As a kid, during silent reading, I would always choose to read WHERE’S WALDO?, MAGIC EYE, and CALVIN AND HOBBES. Among the three, CALVIN AND HOBBES was the easiest to write a book report on, and was by far, one of my favourite things to read.

I can see why Mr. Watterson didn’t want his product merchandised. GARFIELD is the best example of merchandising gone too far.  That comic strip is as annoying as Nermal.  And even Bill Murray couldn’t save those less than purrrfect movies. I don’t know how Jim Davis sleeps at night. No, that’s not true. He sleeps with a Garfield fleece blanket, and an Odie shaped pillow, atop a stack of C-Notes.

The whole time, you think the documentary is leading up to an interview with the author. It’s definitely possible, the man isn’t dead. But all I get are tales of unrequited admiration by pseudo-celebrities. You put up with all the not-so-interesting interviews, thinking there’s an eventual pay off, and then the film ends.

I’m not saying there wasn’t anything interesting. I found out many new things. Like they stopped making CALVIN AND HOBBES comics… almost 20 years ago. Another tidbit: those decals, where Calvin is peeing on a Chevy logo...Mr. Watterson did not authorize that piece of merchandise.

This documentary is not grrreat! If Bill Watterson saw this movie, he’d  plotz dead. Then he’d spin in his grave until he became nauseous. At which point, Bill would vomit for all eternity.

‘Worst Comic Movie Ever’

Final Verdict: 55 out of 100

Sidenote: Rest in Peace, Brian Griffin. I hope your death is a sick, twisted joke by Seth McFarlane. I do like his replacement though. ‘Paulie’, from THE SOPRANOS.

12 Years A Slave

12 YEARS A SLAVE
R
134 Minutes
Director: Steve McQueen
Writers: John Ridley (screenplay), Solomon Northup
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Michael K. Williams, Michael Fassbender

CAST
Chiwetel Ejiofor…Solomon Northup
Dwight Henry…Uncle Abram
Dickie Gravois…Overseer
Bryan Batt…Judge Turner
Ashley Dyke…Anna
Paul Dano…Tibeats
Brad Pitt…Bass

Born free and life is worth living
But only worth living
‘Cause you’re born free
BORN FREE, Andy Williams

To answer your question: this film is not about my public school experience. Although Solomon Northup was much like me, born in New York. But our similarities end there. Well, maybe there’s a bit more than that. We’re both strikingly handsome, well-endowed, human males, that were born free. The difference is that I’m not African-American, and no one has kidnapped, and forced me into slavery…yet. But slavery was Solomon’s fate. Technically, he was illegally enslaved. But for the record, I believe that all slaves were illegally enslaved, as controversial as that opinion may seem.

‘That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico.’

There isn’t much wrong with this film. Aside from the plantation owners being painted with a broad brush. I don’t know, I wasn’t alive back then. But I’m certain they can’t all be that bad.

Characters

The preacher from THERE WILL BE BLOOD, plays such a convincing racist, that even Paula Deen would tell him to take it easy.

You wonder how all the actors got, and stayed into character. I can just see it now, Paul Giamatti yelling racial slurs at the Long John Silver’s catering crew.

The plantation owners wife is a total bitch, with a capital cunt. Probably the most ruthless person in this movie. Just because her husband is sleeping with a slave, doesn’t mean that slave needs to get sent to another plantation.

Brad Pitt shows up toward the end. He’s the noble, super-chill guy, that works at a plantation. This character wasn’t really necessary, but it was nice to get a break from all the angry, intense characters.

Now Wait One, Cotton-Pick’n-Second

The actors in 12 YEARS do a fine job playing slaves. And that’s very important for this type of movie. Because some people are not suited for portraying slaves on-screen. For example, Robert Downey Jr would be a bad slave. That is, unless you used full, TROPIC THUNDER makeup. On a related note, I think some actors would make better slave owners than others. Leonardo DiCaprio and Foghorn Leghorn are ideal examples. But someone like Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t fit the part. In this film, I didn’t think Michael Fassbender would play such a convincing plantation owner. Being English and all, nonetheless, Fassbender was impressive.

This is different from other slave movies. It’s more authentic, because the story isn’t told through the eyes of a white person. 12 YEARS A SLAVE feels like a more modern version of ROOTS, without O.J. Simpson.

12 YEARS is the ultimate, feel-bad-movie-of-the-year. So it doesn’t call for repeated viewings. But fa reelz, check this shiznit out, it’s off the chain.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

About Time

ABOUT TIME
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Richard Curtis
Writer: Richard Curtis
Domhnall Gleeson, Rachel McAdams, Bill Nighy

CAST
Domhnall Gleeson...Tim
Rachel McAdams...Mary
Bill Nighy...Dad
Lydia Wilson...Kit Kat
Lindsay Duncan...Mum

'I'm a sucker for time travel movies.  Even ones with Kenau Reeves.' -E. Dunn

Back To The Future

A great rapper one said life is too short , but maybe it doesn't have to be. This story involves Tim, a young English man. He kind of looks like that ginger kid from Harry Potter. And he comes across as another version of Hugh Grant, except he's charming, and lands all his jokes.

On his 21st birthday, Tim's father tells him he can relive any moment of his life with time travel. To time travel, you go into a closet, clench your fists, and think about the moment you want to travel to. That's the basic premise. There are many caveats, but I don't want to bore you with those details.

If I Could Turn Back Time

In ALADDIN, Robin Williams said you can make people love you. This rule always applies to the movie world, any probably to life is well.  And it's true in this movie. But with Tim's gift, I think he'd have no problem in finding quality women to sleep with. For a 21-year-old man, that's just as good.

This all sounds wonderful. But I'm sure there be a downside. You might experience more tragedy in your life as well. Like all those hangovers. No wait, I've got it. I can avoid that mess by recreating the same drunken night, over and over...brilliant.

GROUNDHOG DAY appears like the most comparable film to ABOUT TIME. But it's very much different. For starters, Bill Murray is in around. Secondly, in GROUNDHOG DAY, the main character lives the same day, indefinitely, and it's not by choice. But in this film, Tim gets to relive any moment of his own life, and live with some of the consequences.

There's an old cliché that no one's perfect. But I've always thought that even if you could be perfect, it isn't like all your problems would end. You'd still have to deal with envious people, intent on ruining your life. At least that's always been my experience. In this story, Tim is perfect. It never felt like he experienced any form of personal tragedy. Perhaps Tim would really experience life this way. Still, this lack of conflict makes me think the movie is missing something. Because there's not enough downside to Tim's 'affliction'. Overall, this issue doesn't detract much from the film.

Perfect The Art Of Dying

Maybe the point of ABOUT TIME is that we shouldn't spend our limited time watching movies, even this one. Although this seems unlikely, that type of message wouldn't take two hours to convey. ABOUT TIME is original thoughtful and life affirming. Watching it will make you feel good: watching-kitten-videos-on-YouTube feel good. Watch this when you feel like it, you've got plenty of time.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Bad Grandpa

BAD GRANDPA
R
92 Minutes
Director: Jeff Tremaine
Writers: Fax Bahr , Spike Jonze, Adam Small, Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville,
Johnny Knoxville, Jackson Nicoll, Greg Harris

Cast
Johnny Knoxville...Irving Zisman
Jackson Nicoll...Billy
Greg Harris...Chuc

'Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.' -Tennessee Williams, A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE

BAD GRANDPA expands on a sketch from JACKASS NUMBER 2. Hmmm, interesting, I’m just noticing the joke in that title.

This film is JACKASS, with a fictional story. Which amounts to an Andy Kauffman-esque social experiment. It's fascinating knowing what human beings are capable of in bizarre situations. If I kill someone, I now know that a stranger just might help me dispose of the dead body, no questions asked.

I’m not a comedy snob. I laugh at homeless people all the time. Still though, I've always deemed JACKASS as bad, lowbrow humor. But when I take a second look at those films, I realize they aren't all that bad. And now, I no longer have a problem with Johnny Knoxville, unless he’s in real..ish movies.

We revere, and respect old people, at least publicly. Older folks have more of a reason to act out. I look forward to growing old and senile. Because I can blurt out inappropriate comments, and people think that all is excusable because I'm going to die soon.

Irving is the 'bad' grandpa. It's best to think of him as a thin Wilford Brimley. He has an 8-year-old grandson. The kid is a composite of MAN SHOW Boy, and the kid from BAD SANTA. These two are forced into a cross-country road trip. And wouldn't you know, hilarious hijinks ensue.

This movie's main flaw is it's not consistently funny. The first half was difficult to watch. Because it was just an old guy acting like an asshole. And that type of behavior can't sustain a movie, unless it stars Clint Eastwood. This film became passable in the second half, once Irving actually turned into a human being. By the end of the movie, BAD GRANDPA felt like an obscene, John Hughes film. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

Most people will notice much of the story arc is borrowed from other films. But it doesn't bother me so much. In this context, those borrowed scenes are markedly different; because everything is done with real life in the backdrop. No one was 'in on' any of the gags. And people thought tragic events were unfolding right in front of them. That makes this movie both funny and interesting.

Imagine watching an episode of AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS...and actually laughing. BAD GRANDPA is kind of like that.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100