Bear

BEARS PG 78 Minutes Directors: Alastair Fothergill, Keith Scholey

CAST John C. Reilly...(Voice Over) Bears

Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the bare necessities That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the bare necessities of life -THE JUNGLE BOOK

Check It Out!

Before I get started, I'd like to emphasize that this film really is about Bears, and not a particular sexual preference.

If you take a close look at Bears, you'll notice that they're really just fat wolves. Or put another way: bears are wolves in bears' clothing, but I digress.

BEARS is a fascinating account on the unbearable plight of brown bears in Alaska. They have it tough. Almost as tough as penguins...from that MADAGASCAR cartoon.

REAL CAST MEMBERS

Sky-Mamma bear, the main character. She's looking for salmon...and trouble. Mostly salmon though, otherwise she and her cubs won't survive the winter.

Scout-He's a cub who's far too adventurous for his own good.

Chinook-Little sister, not a risk taker.

Magnus-Don't mess with the alpha. Something tells me he could survive a shot-gun to the head, and kill you afterwards. He's a not-so-gentle-Ben.

Tikaani-Literally, the lone wolf, and not in a good way.

Featuring...John C. Reilly as a Morgan Freeman-type guy.

Also, there's a nameless raven who plays a crucial role in finding food for Sky. But the 'black bird singing in the dead of night' gets no love from these heartless documentarians. I would have named the bird Flacco, or Symone.

We know Sky is the mother. But I wonder who the father is. He was definitely present at some point in the movie. It just doesn't seem right. I think raising cubs would be easier with two parents.

So we get another inoffensive family movie from Disney. But I can't complain this time, I like nature documentaries. Nature films are getting better lately, ever since that NORTH AMERICA program aired. Now, that's a show worth watching. Oh man, Tom Selleck really set a new standard for voice over work on animal shows.

Problems?

There were only a couple of problems with this movie. I didn't like how that American Family Insurance song got incorporated in the soundtrack. Secondly, I wish these bears could talk.

Things I Now Know

BEARS is an informative documentary. I learned many new things about brown bears. Like they don't eat Teddy Grahams, or picnic baskets, and they don't have money to buy food from their car wash business.

Hibernation

BEAR shows you the plight of the brown bear, in a way Winnie The Pooh never could. I've seen every bear movie. And by far, BEAR is the best bear movie I've seen, and I'm including THE COUNTRY BEARS and the BAD NEWS BEARS (and its respective sequels). After seeing this movie, I now know what that bear patch on my cub scout uniform actually represents.

Final Verdict: 88 out of 100

God Is Not Dead

GOD IS NOT DEAD PG 113 Minutes Director: Harold Cronk Writers: Hunter Dennis, Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon

CAST Dean Caine...Mark Willie Robertson...Himself Shane Harper...Josh Wheaton Kevin Sorbo...Professor Radisson Korie Robertson...Herself Marco Khan ...Misrab

Caine And Able

GOD IS NOT DEAD isn't like most other religious movies. This one had some star power behind it. Featuring the guy from DUCK DYNASTY, Kevin Sorbo, and Dean Cain.

This is a movie about good and evil. The educated guy is evil. The college freshman is the good guy and the bad guy is an atheist philosophy professor. Does anyone else find it kind of ironic Kevin Sorbo used to play the son of God on a TV show?

Josh Wheaton is a first-year college student. One day, while sitting in philosophy class. Professor Sorbo tells everyone to write 'God Is Dead' on a piece of paper. But Josh just couldn't bring himself to do it. So Hercules challenges him to a debate. If this student can't convince his classmates that God does exist, he fails the class. Because that's how grades work in college.

This feat isn't as easy as it looks. Outside class, Sorbo makes many vague threats aimed at Josh; And to make matters worse, his longtime girlfriend dumps him. Because he's throwing his future away, although I'm sure there are other reasons.

The debate part made sense, that is, before everyone started talking. The worst part of this movie is when Josh. used 'begs the question' incorrectly. And this is in a philosophy class. Aristotle goes into great length on what begging the question actually is. Strangely enough, in GOD IS NOT DEAD, there is plenty of question begging, as well as other logical fallacies, and invalid deductive arguments. If a philosophy professor If a philosophy professor actually saw this movie, they'd roll around in an epileptic fit.

Dean Cain plays a an uncaring business person, who is indifferent toward his girlfriend with cancer. Dean was completely unnecessary, but I'm not upset with this man, his small role was rather entertaining, and he made a bad movie sightly easier to sit through. Additionally, I'm glad Dino is in something that doesn't involve resourceful dogs.

Other Random Questions

Who is this newspaper reporter? And why was she assigned to interview random religious people in an insulting way?

What's the deal with the Muslim girl getting beat by her dad for believing in Jesus? That doesn't seem right.

Toward The End Of My Review

After pontificating on some of the more serious issues addressed in this movie. I've concluded that I really don't know if there is a creator...of this film.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Bad Neighbors

BAD NEIGHBORS R 96 Minutes Director: Nicholas Stoller Writers: Andrew J. Cohen, Brendan O'Brien

CAST Seth Rogen...Mac Radner Rose Byrne...Kelly Radner Ike Barinholtz...Jimmy Zac Efron...Teddy Sanders Dave Franco...Pete

Mr. And Mrs. Buzz Kill Would Like To Welcome You To Our Neighborhood

Okay, let me set the scene for you. An obnoxious fraternity, Delta Psi, moves next to a young family. But wait, you're not going to believe what happens next. The frat and the family start out as friends. But tensions soon rise after the fraternity starts acting like a fraternity. Before long, there is an all out war: good guys versus bad guys. And just like with POLTERGEIST, moving to another home isn't going to destroy the beings that haunt them at night.

Movies featuring Seth Rogen have been funny. But I don't know if he can make a film funny on his own. Just take a look at THE GUILT TRIP. This is the first time Seth Rogen doesn't smoke pot in a movie. No I'm kidding, but it was the first time he got high on shrooms and pot in the same scene. Somehow, pot smoking gets worked into all Seth's movies. Even in 50/50, the film about a guy with terminal cancer.

If I'm watching a Seth Rogen movie, I know James Franco will probably show up somewhere. But he didn't. Don't fret though, we did get a guy who looks like James Franco, named Dave Franco.

Zac Efron's character is the party-animal president of Delta Psi, whose fraternity is on probation. The real Zac (without an h) did party too much, but it was only to prepare for his role on DR. DREW'S CELEBRITY REHAB...I mean BAD NEIGHBORS. As a method actor, not showing up hung over to the movie set would be unprofessional.

Would You Keep It Down Some Of Us Squares Are Trying To Sleep

I'm not saying you should avoid this film. There were funny moments, sparsely scattered throughout the film. It has enough solid laughs to get a B-Grade, but BAD NEIGHBORS doesn't quite make the dean's list. If you want to see a better movie starting with the word BAD, I recommend BAD SANTA or BAD GRANDPA.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Tokarev

TOKAREV R 93 Minutes Director: Paco Cebazas Writers: Jim Agnew, Sean Keller

CAST Danny Glover…Don Knotts Nicholas Cage…Paul Maguire Rachel Nichols…Vanessa Aubrey Peeples…Caitlin Maguire Peter Stormare…Francis O'Connell Danny Glover…Detective St. John

'I'm out of the game, you know that.'

This is a story about one man. He swore off the bad life a long time ago. Now he's ready to make an honest living. But that type of man can't keep it real for very long. Because he's just too good at doing bad things. But enough about Nick Cage.

Paul Maguire used to be in an Irish crime syndicate. Now he's the mayor's assistant. One night, while Paul and his wife are out for dinner, his daughter is killed in their home. Paul gets in touch with his old contacts. He kills a bunch of innocent suspects, Chuck Branson style, in a search to find the real killer. Because the police aren't going to do anything. Except scarf doughnuts, while throwing darts at a picture of his daughter.

I gave this movie a chance, because I figured if Danny Glover was in it, it couldn't be too bad. At the very least, I knew the Angels would win the pennant. But in TOKAREV, Glover plays the nicest police chief in the world. He makes Andy Griffith look like King Joffrey. In one instance, after a high-speed pursuit, Paul crashes into dozens of cars, and the police chief let's him go. But don't worry, Paul promised not to hurt any more people...in the man hunt for his daughter's killer: scout's honor.

Not everything is so bad in this movie. For one, Nick Cage kills himself at the end. Secondly, there's interesting plot twist. The killer was the person you'd least expect. Third, we get to see the most bizarre make out session in movie history. And lastly, TOKAREV is the Nick-Cagiest movie you're going to see in the near future. I suspect this film has collected dust for a couple of years. Because he's done some decent movies lately.

If you want to see this film, don't admit it to anyone. Just wait until you're sitting in a friend's living room, when they leave the room, order this movie On-Demand, but pretend you did it by accident. If it's already paid for, then it would be wasteful not to watch it.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Bad Words

BAD WORDS
R
89 Minutes
Director: Jason Bateman
Writer: Andrew Dodge

CAST Jason Bateman…Guy Rohan Chand…Chaitanya Chopra Philip Baker Hall…Dr. Bowman Kathryn Hahn…Jenny Widgeon

I love old movies where a golden retriever plays football because there is nothing in the rule book saying they can't. In BAD WORDS, there is a similar concept at work. A grown man, that never passed the eighth grade. Goes on to enter a children's spelling bee.

Doesn't Play Well With Others

I don't know how he got around compulsory education laws. You have to go to school until your 16. When I was in school, you literally couldn't fail any class until high school. Maybe he got left back twice, after starting kindergarten a year late. Whatever the case may be, Guy has not matured passed eighth grade. I guess you could say he's in arrested development...get it. At least it seems that way. He isn't mentally handicapped, he seems like a college educated professional, with a savant-like spelling ability. Unapologetically, Guy plays a bully, like Johnny Lawrence (of the Cobra Kai), from THE KARATE KID novel based on the motion picture.

What's His Motivation?

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why he's participating in children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee.

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why a grown man is participating in a children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing that keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee. As it turns out Guy isn't just some doosh (or is it douche?). No he's a man on a vendetta. That's all I can say, without spoiling things.

I know he's done many great things since, but anytime I see Jason Bateman, I think how hilarious he was in THE HOGAN FAMILY...in that episode where his friend died of AIDS.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S ?

From the previews, it seemed like BAD WORDS was just going to be a bad comedy; where they try and be as offensive as possible. While the film started out that way, things progressed, and I found myself laughing, and liking the complex characters. This movie felt like a kind of good, John Hughes movie, but it never sores into John- Hughes-movie-featuring-John-Candy territory.

No movie should end with a Smashing Pumpkins song, minus 5 points.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Sidenote: The main character's last name is 'Words'.

Son Of God

SON OF GOD PG-13 138 Minutes Director: Christopher Spencer Writers: Richard Bedser, Christopher Spencer, Colin Swash, Nick Young, God

Nelson: Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Bart: Who cares? Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. Jimbo: His name's Gunnar and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer. —THE SIMPSONS, DABF02

CAST Diogo Morgado... Jesus Amber Rose Revah... Mary Magdalena Joe Wredden...Judas Roma Downey...Mary, Mother of Jesus

7 Day Theory

I never paid attention in Sunday school, or to the Stations of the Cross. But that worked to my advantage. Because I had no idea how SON OF GOD would unfold.

Before I go any further. Christianity is a sensitive subject. So I'll try to keep the blasphemy to a minimum. Which means no jokes about cross training shoes.

This movie...

-Is not about George Burn's kid.

-Nor is it a continuation of HE GOT GAME; unfortunately, there is no second coming of Jesus Shuttlesworth.

-Doesn't feature Morgan Freeman.

I'm Just Going To List My Complaints:

-There's not enough 'passion'.

-The film maker assumes we've already read the book. And that we can just mentally fill in the details. Just like with that GOOSEBUMPS TV show. If I wanted to read a book, I'll go to school, where I'm forced to read.

-There is no humor, and it's far too serious. Would it kill someone to crack a smile?

-The plot moved too slow, and the excessive James Earl Jones-esque narration didn't help either.

-The overall lack of historical accuracy and the lack of artistic license.

-The Romans couldn't have been that bad. I may have to contact the Italian Anti-Defamation league. Because Mamma mia, that's-a spicy meat ball-a!

-Did that Judas guy have to be such a dick?

-I'm not Johnny Cochran or anything, but this Jesus fellow, he got a raw deal.

Miscellaneous Observations

-John the Baptist looks like Adam Duritz.

-The evil guy in the grim reaper outfit looks like Obama, before he transforms into a snake. The symbolism here is puzzling.

-It's always a good sign if you haven't heard of any of the actors in a picture. Although there was one actor I did recognize. The lady with the Irish accent in TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. I think she committed a horrific crime, and figures the safest thing to do is hide out on the set of an obscure movie: nice try.

That Last Meal

This felt like a MONTY PYTHON film, without the intentional jokes. SON OF GOD, the film-not the guy, goes beyond Mel Gibson-bad, it's full-on, Kirk Cameron-bad. While I didn't pay very close attention in Sunday school, I do remember the seventh commandment: thou shall not steal my precious time.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Sidenote: Five of those points are because the film's chief character looks like me.

Non-Stop

NON-STOP PG-13 106 Minutes Director: Jaume Collet-Serra Writers: John W. Richardson, Christopher Roach, Ryan Engle

CAST Liam Neeson…Bill Marks Julianne Moore…Jen Summers Scoot McNairy…Tom Bowen Michelle Dockery…Nancy Nate Parker…Zack White Corey Stoll…Austin Reilly Lupita Nyong’o…Gwen Omar Metwally…Dr. Fahim Nasir

SPEED III: CRUISING ALTITUDE

'If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of 'SPEED' but I'm currently on it.'-SNL S34E22 (Will Ferrell),

Liam Neeson Gets Pissed Off

Someone is holding the plane hostage... quietly. This person wants 150 million dollars. Similar to what DB Cooper accomplished. But this isn't 1971. After 9/11, hijacking a plane has become considerably more difficult.

Bill Marks is a hero, air marshall, and avid traveler. Bill has seen more places than Carmen San Diego. But it's all in a vain attempt to fly away from his personal problems, and deep emotional issues. This guy is never in a good mood, and doesn't have much to live for. So I predict good things for the passengers aboard this flight.

So Who Is It?

At the beginning, I suspected Julianne Moore. Maybe Eric Cartman was on to something. You can't trust those gingers. But I jumped the bomb on that one. She wasn't the hijacker.

The DOWNTON ABBY girl plays a flight attendant...you know...the main girl. I forget her name because I don't watch that show very often. Just one episode a week. Anyway, I know she's not the hijacker. People with British accents never do anything this bad.

I'm not a Math professor at Cal Tech, but it seems like it's definitely a passenger, who isn't a minority, because that's a racist thing to do in a movie. I could narrow it down further, but you get the point. You've seen enough ADT Security commercials to know that only white guys in their 30s commit horrific crimes. Perhaps I've said too much, I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

It Don't Stop And It Don't Quit

Despite all the hostage film clichés. Like trying to defuse a time bomb. This film had some interesting parts. The way Liam Neeson made eyes with Julianne Moore throughout the movie. I knew something was going to happen between those two. Oh, and something did happen. They're going out to dinner...at some restaurant in the Keflavik International Airport.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: In exchange for their cooperation with the terrorist situation, the air marshall promised many of the passengers unlimited, first-class travel for a year. I wonder if the airline honored this promise, even though the marshall did so without proper authorization.

RoboCop

ROBOCOP PG-13 117 Minutes Director: José Padilha Writers: Joshua Zetumer, Edward Neumeier, Michael Miner

CAST Joel Kinnaman...Alex Murphy/RoboCop Gary Oldman... Dr. Dennett Norton Michael Keaton...Raymond Sellars Abbie Cornish... Clara Murphy Michael K. Williams...Jack Lewis

'Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.'--SHORT CIRCUIT

You Have The Right To Remain Silent

You’ve seen the first ROBOCOP, but now there’s a twist. Robocop isn’t a cop at all. Oh, he plays a cop, but it’s on a pornographic website for people with transhuman-robot fetishes. It’s a lucrative business, because he’s the only product on the market. But now the federal government is stepping in, and shutting down his illegal monopoly.

No, I’m kidding. In 14 years, Kevin James looses two legs to diabetes. But malls still need security guards, and Paul Blart has mounting medical bills. So a Segway scooter gets grafted on to his lower body. Then, I don’t know, the Russian mafia tries to assassinate Louie Anderson, while he’s signing autographs at the cell phone accessory kiosk where he’s employed.

Sounds delightful, I know, but that was another joke of mine. I feel obligated to entertain you since the real ROBOCOP was sorely lacking in entertainment value. You’re better off watching the ‘Robo-Nerd II’ episode of FAMILY MATTERS. That being said, this film isn’t horrific. It is still better than the 1994 ROBOCOP TV show: that was just a guy in a Halloween costume.

It’s good to have Omar Little back. I didn’t like seeing my favorite character get killed by a ten-year-old on THE WIRE…SPOILER ALERT. The actor that portrayed Omar Little on THE WIRE, Michael K Williams, plays RoboCop’s partner and friend, that is, before Murphy transformed into a Robocop.

I think robots should run the criminal justice system. Overall, they’d be better at law enforcement. In court proceedings, I’d trust a robot more than a jury of my peers. Because robots could read thoughts, and predict future actions. We already have drones killing people in other countries. Yes, this oppressive utopia is very doable.

What I liked most was Michael Keaton. The older he gets, the more he starts to look like Christian Slater. This is merely a puzzling observation. But if you have to watch this movie; noticing this fact will help pass the time.

I don’t think Robocops are in our future. If they were to be invented, some years from now, one of them would have gone back in time, and arrested the filmmaker for crimes against humanity, or at the very least, prevent this ROBOCOP from ever getting made. Where is Jean-Claude Van Damme when you need him?

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100