Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 1
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Francis Lawrence
Writer: Peter a Craig, Danny Strong, Suzanne Collins
Jennifer Lawrence, Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman

CAST
Jennifer Lawrence...Katniss Everdeen
Willow Shields...Primrose Everdeen
Josh Hutcherson...Peeta Mellark
Julianne Moore...President Alma Coin
Stanley Tucci...Caesar Flickerman
Jeffrey Wright...Beetee
Philip Seymour Hoffman...Plutarch Heavensbee
Woody Harrelson...Haymitch Abernathy

Welcome To The Machine

For John Candy it was WAGONS EAST, and for Chris Farley it was ALMOST HEROES. MOCKINGJAY (Parts 1 and 2) is Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. There's one thing I'm certain of: Hoffman wants to be remembered only for this movie, nothing else.

I like how this film didn't actually center on the Hunger Games themselves. The key players aren't kids anymore. This means less awkward, romantic scenes. Also, most of the young children have been vaporized in the bombing by the ruling government. Which is great. No, no, no...hear me out. Okay, I realize I might be stirring up controversy here, but I don't approve of bombing children. It's great because I didn't have to see kids vaporized on-screen. All the action took place off-screen.

MOCKINGJAY focuses on overthrowing the government of Panem. Now that's something I can get behind. This revolution is in the Pre-Stalin, Post- Bolshevik stage. Julianne Moore is the Lenin figure. Right here, it's tempting to give a ten page, in-depth analysis, on the Marxist overtones in THE HUNGER GAMES. But that will have to wait for another time. I don't know why I'm just noticing this now. But all the people in THE HUNGER GAMES have very made-up-sounding names. Jeffrey Wright plays one of the black characters. His name is Beetee. The funny thing is when you say that name it sounds like B-E-T. I don't know which is more racist: his name or the fact that there's only two black characters in the movie. What I liked most was how Lenny Kravitz wasn't in this film, because of his tragic death in the last HUNGER GAMES. You could hear everyone in the theater groan after the movie was finished. Don't leave us a '...to be continued' TV episode. Because this movie doesn't stand well on its own. You can make MOCKINGJAY into two parts, but give us some closure in PART 1. I know I could read the book, but that book was made for 13-year-old girls, and I'm not allowed in the Young Adult section at Barnes and Noble...anymore. Furthermore, unlike the book, A HUNGER GAMES film is a piece of art. All that being said, I was thoroughly entertained. Until the conclusi...

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Dumb and Dumber To

DUMB AND DUMBER TO
PG-13
109 Minutes
Director: Farrelly Brothers
Writers: Sean Anders, Mike Cerrone, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly, John Morris, Bennett Yellin

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CAST 
Jeff Daniels...Harry Dunne
Jim Carrey...Lloyd Christmas
Rob Riggle...Travis/Captain Lippincott
Laurie Holden...Adele

'Do you worry at all about being typecast? At all. I mean, do you worry about always being the guy in the toilet? I mean....Jeff 'Diarrhea Head' Daniels.' 
-SNL, Season 20 Episode 10 (Chris Elliot)

This reviewer is not afraid to admit he likes Jim Carrey movies. I don't care if Matthew Broderick killed the guy in Ireland, it was an accident. The original Dumb and Dumber was the funniest movie ever made. As for DUMB AND DUMBERER, the prequel...Let's pretend that was never made.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize that Jim Carey hasn't made a good movies since ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.  Yes, 'blessed are those who forget'; they don't have to remember those awful films.

DUMB AND DUMBER TO continues 20 years later. For some reason, Jim Carrey feels compelled to wear a really bad wig. Anyway, Harry and Lloyd are looking for Harry's long lost daughter.  This is where the very long and pointless journey begins. They find the daughter, and her adoptive father is wealthy. This man's attractive wife is trying to kill him, for all his money. That's it, plot-wise. You wait your whole life for this moment, when you walk into a movie theater, to see the sequel to DUMB AND DUMBER. It's all very disappointing, the entire mess of a film. An unsatisfying,  cliché-riddled sequel. 

Part of me senses Jeff Daniels didn't put enough effort into this movie. I can just see it now, Jeff is in bed, with his reading glasses on. He has two scripts on the nightstand. One is for THE NEWSROOM, and the other is for DUMB AND DUMBER TO. Is he really going to be looking over the script for this film, while huffing paint to get into character? You're dumber than Harry and Lloyd if you think so.

There were more funny gags than most films. But the jokes weren't the problem. DUMB AND DUMBER TO lacked the heart and soul of the first one, and it wasn't as funny. I guess what I'm really yearning for is a John Hughes movie experience. So this Thanksgiving I recommend watching PLANES TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES instead.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Interstellar

INTERSTELLAR
PG-13
169 Minutes
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan

CAST Ellen Burstyn...Murph (older) Matthew McConaughey...Cooper Mackenzie Foy...Murph (10 Yrs.) John Lithgow...Donald  Timothée Chalamet...Tom (15 Yrs.)

'I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.'             -ZOOLANDER (Derek Zoolander)

Well, I'm all out of Matthew McConaughey jokes, and my previous jokes don't seem relevant anymore.I don't know of any other ditzy blondes that magically transformed into talented actors. Except for maybe Zachery Ty Bryan.

INTERSTELLAR is about a guy that goes into a worm hole to save humanity. I like how the worm hole is in Saturn, that's my favorite planet, car, and gaming system. Unfortunately, this planet is not Saturn, it's not even Europa. This guy needs to find a habitable planet, or humanity is doomed. So Mr. Cooper and a hot female astronaut go at it, and they start a Mormon-sized family. Fast-forward several thousand years, and we have a planet of only beautiful people. I wish it weren't so, but I was joking about the last part, with Planet McConaughey.

This movie didn't get too technical. I'm sure there were plenty of scientific inaccuracies. Just check Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Twitter feed...no go ahead, check it, and then come back to my review...I'll wait. Rather the story is more humanistic. The closest film to this movie is CONTACT. Like CONTACT, INTERSTELLAR is fixated on the father-daughter bond. But unlike CONTACT, Matthew McConaughey plays a smart person. Like Carl Sagan smart. I know McConaughey has had a bit of a renaissance, career-wise, but does this film have to be released right after those Lincoln commercials? I need a stepping stone for suspending disbelief. This stepping stone could be a movie, where he plays a teacher, or a mattress tester. But hopping from Lincoln commercials to this INTERSTELLAR business, that is really asking too much. 

INTERSTELLAR takes place over a century. I don't understand why LCD technology hasn't changed much in those 100+ years. In a big budget film, it wouldn't take much to add holographic, CGI computer monitors. This issue isn't a big deal, but it was a little distracting. 

This film falls short of CONTACT, and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. But not by much. There's no way you're going to see a better science-fiction movie this year, or a century from now.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Up and running again

Looks like everything is running smoothly after the upgrade. Thanks for your patience.

-E Dunn

The Judge

THE JUDGE
R
141 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Nick Schenk, Bill Dubuque, David Dobkin

CAST Robert Downey Jr...Hank Palmer Robert Duvall...Joseph Palmer Vera Farmiga...Samantha Powell Billy Bob Thornton...Dwight Dickham Vincent D'Onofrio...Glen Palmer

'...judge not lest ye be judged.'
-THE BIBLE, (Somewhere In The Back)

Judge Reinhold was riding high after the SANTA CLAUSE trilogy. But his addiction to huffing all that copier toner was taking a huge toll on his health. So Tim Allen and Steve Gutenberg held an intervention. And Judge got the help he needed at Passages Malibu. But then he relapsed two years later, breaking into a Xerox plant at 2 AM, one Friday night. Authorities found him passed out on the warehouse floor, looking like an Al Jolson character. During the court proceedings, there was a lot of confusion with the real judge, and the man named Judge. Kind of like an Abbott and Costello bit.

Judges have to be judged from time-to-time. Back in March, Judge Joe Brown was held in contempt of court, and sentenced to five days in jail. What's this have to do with the movie? Nothing, I just found it funny. Pardon my digression.

The Real Movie

After the mother dies, the Palmer Family reunites at her funeral. Several, days after the funeral, Judge Palmer ran over a motorcyclist, and left him for dead, allegedly. The death of the mother and the motorcycle incident with seem unrelated, at first glance. But are they? THE JUDGE is about the trial that ensues afterward.

Joseph Palmer was a judge for 42 years. He has three sons visiting him. As for that fourth son, Robert, that remains a mystery.

It's a good thing his city-slicker attorney, son can save his father from prison...all pro bono...that's not true, more like pro bonner, the way Hank is stickin' it to pops. Seriously though, Hank charged his father, but at a discount.

You feel like you knew this Hank character already. He's Slick lawyer that would defend anyone for a paycheck. Kind of like Tony Danza in FAMILY LAW, John Larroquette from NIGHT COURT, or Jim Carey from LIAR LIAR.

There is nothing wrong with the acting. Which means the story was the problem. The screenplay could have been more compelling. There wasn't enough focus on any major subject. Everything felt so tangential. I don't know anything about the Judge's mentally challenged son. Or the daughter Hank didn't know he had.

Vincent D'Onofrio was superb. Although it didn't seem like it at first. His character was this dull, average guy. But underneath this plain exterior, Glen has a deep well of unconditional love for his deeply flawed family members. The genuine brotherly moment between Hank and Glenn transformed a film from just okay, to good. At least I think so, I’ll let you be the judge.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Necessary Roughness (Retro)

NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (1991)
PG-13
108 Minutes
Director: Stan Dragoti.
Writers: Rick Natkin, David Fuller

CAST
Scott Bakula...Paul Blake Hector Elizondo...Ed Gennero Robert Loggia...Coach Wally Rig Larry Miller...Dean Phillip Elias Sinbad...Professor Andre Krimm

MAKING THE QUANTUM LEAP

Less preposterous than MAJOR LEAGUE III: BACK TO THE MINORS, where Scott Bakula played a baseball player in his 40s; NECESSARY ROUGHNESS is about a 34-year old who gets to play a college quarterback. All because of a technicality. I think it's the same technicality that allows angels and golden retrievers to play competitive football.

Texas State University has a shortage of eligible players. So all the Armadillo players have to play offense and defense.

BACK TO SCHOOL: RODNEY DANGERFIELD STYLE

The cast of 90210 were all pretty old, but  there was only one actor in their 30s, Andrea, and she wasn't around very often either (I know, technically, she was only 29 when the show started...freshman year). But in this movie, just when you came to terms with the 34-year-old quarterback. We are asked to suspend disbelief once again.  Sinbad shows up, he's a chemistry professor, working on a PHD, yet he has enough stamina to play offensive, and defensive football.

GARBAGE PICKING FIELD GOAL KICKING PHENOMENON

Kathy Ireland is the greatest actor...ever. Yeah, she's a girl, and a field goal kicker...get used to it.

Larry Miller plays the classic college dean as only he can play. Like he did in those NUTTY PROFESSOR films. This dean is always menacingly, watching the football team. That asshole thinks academics are more important than sports. Don't worry though, he gets his. Right before the credits roll, a gun was pointed at his head (that's not a joke).

Rob Schneider made a cameo. Well, it was more like several cameos. But things are not as bad as they seem. I can deal with a pre-DEUCE BIGALOW Rob Schneider. Because he never attempts to make any jokes, from what I can tell anyway.

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

In this role, Scott Bakula looks more ridiculous than Payton Manning in a Papa John's commercial. With his jersey tucked into his jeans. Nonetheless, this movie has its moments, but not too many. I think it was because Scott Bakula starred in QUANTUM LEAP, while this film was getting made.

'DILLOS...MORE LIKE DILDOS

Football movies are either good or very bad. For every FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, or VARSITY BLUES, you have terrible counterparts. Like THE REPLACEMENTS, or WILDCATS. But NECESSARY ROUGHNESS performs a rare feat, and manages to keep things at the 50-yard line, being neither good, nor bad, nor memorable.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Left Behind

LEFT BEHIND
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Vic Armstrong
Writers: Jerry B. Jenkins, Tim LaHaye, Paul Lalonde, John Patus

CAST
Nicolas Cage...Rayford Steele
Lea Thompson...Irene Steele
Chad Michael Murray...Buck William

LEFT BEHIND is a biopic of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, before TLC, when she worked at a gentleman's club. No, I'm only joking, but my fictional movie would be better than the real LEFT BEHIND.

Walking in, I thought I'd be in an empty movie theater. Where I could just kick up my feet and live tweet through the movie. But no, the theater was filled to about 25 percent capacity. Ben Affleck's movie was sold out. So I think that may have factored into this equation

Anyone who has seen FULL HOUSE knows all the episodes end the same way. There's serious music playing, while Danny lectures Stephanie on the dangers of cigarette smoking. LEFT BEHIND felt like an extended version of a FULL HOUSE ending. Which includes one prolific, father-daughter hug session at the end. For the record, I'm not hating on FULL HOUSE, I'm just pointing out the worst part of the show. So please, no angry emails.

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

Kirk Cameron was right, the rapture has begun. Maybe I'm the cause of this, with all those impure thoughts I've had about Mrs. Butterworth.

Everyone under the age of 18 disappears spontaneously. To heaven? Perhaps, but physical bodies disappeared as well.  Souls go up to heaven, people don't. So I don't understand where the physical bodies went. It's like in ENVY (yeah, don't watch that movie). Jack Black invented Vapoorize. It made dog crap disappear into thin air. But the dog crap went somewhere? We never find out.

Some of LEFT BEHIND feel Stephen Kingish. If you pay attention closely, you'll notice hints of THE LANGOLIERS, scattered about the film. Like the part where a bunch of people spontaneously disappear on an airplane.

Part of the movie took place at the hospital where I was born, just outside Garden City, New York (not really though, this movie was filmed entirely in Louisiana). LEFT BEHIND makes Long Islanders look horrible. If children spontaneously disappeared, we wouldn't start murdering each other.We would start looting iPads, Sean John wear, and pharmaceuticals. Even the looting would only last so long. Without children people would be too depressed to do much of anything.

LEFT BEHIND is offensive to religious and non-religious people. No one should be subjected to Nick Cage's worst movie.  In the real rapture, this film would start playing in every movie theater.

Final Verdict: 2 out of 100

Stone Cold (Retro)

STONE COLD (1991)
R
92 Minutes
Director: Craig R. Baxley
Writer: Walter Doniger

CAST
Brian Bosworth... John Stone
Lance Henriksen... Chains Cooper
William Forsythe... Ice
Arabella Holzbog...Nancy
Sam McMurray... Lance

I know you wish you could be me

Cuz when I ride my hog the girls get freaky

They hear us comin from a mile away

We hella clean; we ridin in style today
 -Too $hort, HOG RIDIN

WHO'S THE BOZ?

With football season upon us, I think I have an excuse to review STONE COLD. There are so many former football players who made a successful transition into the world of acting. Terry Bradshaw was in that Matthew McConaughey movie. Also, there's Dan Marino in ACE VENTURA. And let's not forget about LL Cool J. After a career ending injury, when he played for the Raiders. LL became a nanny for a single mom...No, wait, that was a TV show.

Brian Bosworth was a linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks in the late 80s. Until Johnny Manziel came around, 'The Boz', was the most obnoxious athlete to have ever existed. Bosworth, after three seasons, tried taking his talents to the field of acting. On his first film, Brian leaves us with one hell of a movie.

Joe Huff is a police officer like no other. He plays by his own rules. So it's a big surprise, when he gets suspended, after shooting a bunch of criminals down in a grocery store. (yes, that does sound like the beginning of COBRA). To get his old job back as a police officer, Joe is forced to work for the FBI. Which involves infiltrating an all-powerful, southern biker gang.

Sam McMurray is Joe's FBI partner. He's the Danny Glover of the partnership (sensible, uptight, and a complete square). I must say  when Sam took this role, career-wise, things were going swimmingly for him. A couple WHO'S THE BOSS episodes, and then STONE COLD. All in the same year.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD

This film only features motorcycle stunts, ass-kicking, and snide remarks  ...which is all perfectly executed. This film is good, I'm talking ROADHOUSE-good.

If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, watch this movie on YouTube, perhaps while consuming a bottle of Boones Farm.

So in continuing with the football player-actor theme, next week I'll be reviewing FIRESTORM, with Howie Long. Only if I can get through the movie though. Keep your fingers crossed.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm giving about 30 points extra credit here. I believe anyone who hates John Elway that much deserves some credit, even if they're in a bad movie.

Let's Be Cops

LET'S BE COPS
R
104 Minutes
Director: Luke Greenfield
Writers: Luke Greenfield, Nicholas Thomas

CAST                                                    Jake Johnson...Ryan                  Damon Wayans Jr...Justin
Rob Riggle...Segars
Nina Dobrev...Josie

'We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those POLICE ACADEMY movies?  For fun?  Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!  Did you?!  Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I?  Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.'          -Homer, THE SIMPSONS (3F07)

Just like with that BATTLESHIP movie, it seems like someone came up with the LET'S BE COPS title before writing the screenplay. I've never seen a movie so unapologetically bland, and middle-of-the-road. It's the film equivalent to Hootie and the Blowfish's, I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Ryan and Justin are a couple of 'regular guys' in their early 30s, who, like the title suggests, decide to imitate police officers.

This movie isn't supposed to be realistic. Any scheme like this would land you on DATELINE or in a penitentiary. These fake cops walked around in generic uniforms, without the proper patches. You can't overlook these details. Don't half-ass it, because people will notice.  When I dressed up as Fox Mulder for a costume party, I spent an hour at Kinko's trying to make a realistic-looking TV-FBI badge. It's too bad I didn't look like David Duchovny though, with my beard and all.

Kevin James, Seth Rogen, and Kevin Hart played security guards who wanted to be police officers. The cadets in POLICE ACADEMY, weren't real police officers. And one could argue Batman was just a wannabe cop, who couldn't pass a psychological evaluation. LET'S BE COPS runs contrary to all previous cop-imitator films. These men only care about looking like cops. Nonetheless, Justin and Ryan find themselves having to enforce laws, in the process of trying to pick up women. Picking up women would be easier if you pretended to be a fireman. They've done real studies on this. Additionally, it's easier to lie about being a fireman. And people don't hate you as much.

Even with all my criticism, I still feel most people have been too hard on this film. Yeah, it was predictable, and the characters weren't very interesting. But there was some nice action, and ttfm rd ga few segments of engaging cinema. So LET'S BE COPS won't make you laugh, but it won't piss you off either. You'll leave the theater,  just shrugging your shoulders, never thinking about this movie again.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Prince

THE PRINCE
R
93 Minutes
Director: Brad A Williams
Writers: Andre Fabrizio, Jeremy Passmore

CAST Bruce Willis…Omar                                    John Cusack…Sam                              Andara Holt…Candice                         Jessica Lowndes …Angela                          50 Cent…The Pharmacy                       Jason Patric…Paul

WHAT UP GANGSTA?

Normally, movies this bad go straight to video. But this one deified the odds, and got a wide release. I watched THE PRINCE, because 50 Cent was in the credits. The same way I saw EXIT WOUNDS because of DMX (I knew Steven Seagal couldn't carry such an ambitious piece of art on his own). But 50 is in the movie for less than five minutes, and his performance left my hunger for hardcore-gangsta-shit, unsatiated.

THE TITLE

THE PRINCE is a bad title for a film. Because I can't tell what it's about. It could be about the musician, Prince. Or the 'Fresh Prince', Will Smith. Or it could be based on the book by Niccolò Machiavelli. But most likely, I would think THE PRINCE is about the son of King Ralph. Yes, there are countless possibilities, but this movie isn't a likely one. To eliminate confusion, I propose ESCAPE FROM LA for the title. Because the main character is trying to leave Louisiana.

This film is about Paul, a man who has lost touch with his drug-addled, college dropout, daughter. So he searches for her in New Orleans. But there's a twist. Paul used to be a successful criminal. That is, until he accidentally blew up Bruce Willis's wife, and five-year-old daughter in a car bomb. Bruce Willis wants his revenge...on the viewing audience...I mean Paul's daughter. And rightly so, the protagonist seems like (and you'll have to excuse my language here) a big jerk. So why would I want to root for Paul?

THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS

Just stop it Bruce, with the bad movies, where you play criminal masterminds. You're turning into a non-entertaining Christopher Walken. I suggest you start doing those Seagram's wine cooler commercials again.

THE PRINCE has more shooting than a Perseids meteor shower (that's a super-dorky reference that flew right over your head). The dialogue here serves only to initiate violence. And don't get me wrong, my sensibilities aren't delicate, I don't mind gratuitous violence. But the violence here does nothing for the film, it's not even cartoonish, or funny, like in COMMANDO or NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

I recommend burning down any theater playing this movie, INGLORIOUS BASTERDS-style. Not literally of course. I don't want you to shoot people with automatic weapons. Because this needs to look like an accident.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Sidenote: John Cusack looks like Nick Cage with down syndrome.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PG-13 101 Minutes Director: Jonathan Liebesman Writers: Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec

CAST Megan Fox...April O'Neil Will Arnett...Vernon Fenwick William Fichtner...Eric Sacks Alan Richson...Raphael Noel Fisher...Michelangelo Jeremy Howard...Donatello Johnny Knoxville...Leonardo (voice). Tony Shalhoub...Splinter (voice) Tohoru Masamune...Shredder

HEROES IN A HALF SHELL?

I vividly remember seeing the original NINJA TURTLES. I saw the movie at an old-fashioned theater with uncomfortable, wooden seats. And I remember that my parents were too cheap to by any concessions. I loved the movie itself; it left an indelible impression on my very soul.

I've waited two years for this latest reincarnation of THE TEENAGE NINJA TURTLES. Michael Bay produced this movie, which why I had high hopes: an overgrown man-child should know how to do the Ninja Turtles right, if nothing else.

I am just going to start with my overall impression of the picture. I found it too quick, and intense. There just wasn't enough time to get emotionally attached to the characters. Sure, there were great moments. And by no means was this film awful. But I was looking for a life-changing experience, and I didn't get one.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

There is far too much Whoopi Goldberg in this movie, and by that I mean any amount. Seriously though, Whoopi appears very briefly as Miss O'Neil's boss.

Tony Shalhoub does Splinter's voice. Really? The guy from WINGS. That's not realistic, it's insulting and incredibly distracting. Because everyone knows that Splinter learned broken English from a Japanese guy. We need someone like Pat Mortia or David Carradine. Steven Seagal maybe?

'BANDANNA ON MY FACE LIKE A GANGSTER'

No complaints on the soundtrack. As far as anthropomorphic, turtle movie soundtracks go, this is the best you'll find. That 'SHELL SHOCKED' song is about as gangsta as Al Capone. All that being said, I got to doc points for the lack of Vanilla Ice...I'm sorry.

TMNT is the best Nickelodeon movie since GOOD BURGER, and yes, that does include THE WILD THORNBERRYS film. I recommend seeing this, not because it's so great, but mainly because I want more NINJA TURTLES movies to be made. They'll get it 'radical'...next time.

ALSO...

Check out the recent TURTLE POWER documentary on the history of The Ninja Turtles. The geekier you are, the more you'll enjoy it.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Sidenote: the character 'Casey Jones' was based on 'Jack Burton' from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.

Expendables 3

EXPENDABLES 3
PG-13
126 Minutes
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writers: Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt, Dave Callaham

CAST
Sylvester Stallone...Barney Ross
Jason Statham...Lee Christmas
Jet Li...Yin Yang
Antonio Banderas...Galgo
Wesley Snipes ...Doc
Dolph Lundgren...Gunner Jensen
Mel Gibson...Conrad Stonebanks
Harrison Ford...Max Drummer
Arnold Schwarzenegger...Trench

SAVED BY THE BELL: THE NEW CLASS Meets SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLLEGE YEARS

Another year, another EXPENDABLES movie.  I suppose this can't go on forever, unless you CGI everyone perfectly. Then you'll get to enjoy EXPENDABLES 50 on a holographic module from a cryogenic chamber.

During a failed mission, Terry Crews get severely injured, landing him in the hospital. Yes, it seems the crew is getting too old for this shit. So Barney Ross hires some younger folks to complete the original mission. Kind of like Justin Long in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. John McClane can't do shit without the young computer hacker leading the way.

Back From My Digression

The new class gets kidnapped and, guess what, the old fogeys have to rescue them. Oh, you thought the old guys where going to drink themselves to death. No, not yet. The original crew has a couple of additions. First, we have Wesley Snipes, his specialty is cutting people up...with blades. And Secondly, there's Harrison Ford, head of the CIA. I think Ford is in this movie only because Stallone didn't want to be the oldest guy on the set.

He's doesn't hang out for very long, but there is no reason for Kelsey Grammer to appear in any EXPENDABLES movie. Yeah, I'll give him a few points, since he was once married to a softcore porn star. But growing a five o'clock shadow, and drinking out of a flask, doesn't fool anyone...Fraiser Crane.

'Hey Barney! You should have killed me when you had the chance, if you want the kids, come get 'em!'

Mel Gibson is the perfect villain. His character is a disgruntled, Ex-Expendable. It's like SKYFALL, when the villain was a member of MI6, before going rogue. Gibson made this film the best of the franchise. All the trouble he's gotten into in recent years has worked out in his favor. He's so good at acting like a crazed psychopath, you forget he's even acting. 

EXPENDABLES 3 pushes the bounds of a PG-13 rating. There's a couple of F-Bombs, so you may want to leave the toddlers in the car, while you watch it. In conclusion, if you like seeing people die, this is the film for you.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Life Itself

LIFE ITSELF R 115 Minutes Director: Steve James

CAST Roger Ebert Gene Siskel Chaz Ebert Werner Herzog Marty Scorsese

‘I love seeing the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard’- Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS (7F12)

Just like his reviews, LIFE ITSELF documents the life of Roger Ebert. But because he was so open about his life, there isn’t much new information. Except the alcoholism in the 60s and 70s. Knowing he was drinking all the time kind of makes his Pulitzer Prize all the more impressive.

This film really put an end to the feud between Siskel and Ebert. There’s a reason we have no Gene Siskel documentaries. Because Ebert won the popularity contest.

I’m sure there’s a reason. This documentary was getting made, regardless of whether Ebert died. So I think it was Roger’s decision. It’s like if you did a documentary on the Four Tops, you wouldn’t feel the need to include the current, 23 year-old, lead vocalist.

Werner Herzog laughs and cries, well, for the first time in his entire life. That’s worth full, non-matinee ticket price, with a large popcorn, large Coke, Milk Duds, and another movie ticket, so you have a place to put all these concessions.

It feels a little meta, criticizing a critic. Full disclosure: I’d give the documentary a good review, even if it were bad. But I doubt Roger Ebert would give LIFE ITSELF four stars (maybe five or six). He might have hated the predictable ending. So I’m erring on the side of caution.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

The Meteor Man (Retro)

THE METEOR MAN (1993) PG 100 Minutes Director: Robert Townsend Writer: Robert Townsend

CAST Robert Townsend...Jefferson Reed Eddie Griffin...Michael Marla Gibbs...Mrs. Reed Robert Guillaume...Ted Reed

THE METEOR MAN: Was It Really As Bad As People Remember?

In my retro reviews I like to examine the films that people forgot existed. METEOR MAN is one of those films.  Not many people saw it when it came out and people often confuse it with BLANK MAN. That's a tragedy because it wasn't that bad.

There aren't too many average black guys in movies. They're either 50 Cent, or Michael Jordan, but never Carl Winslow. Which is a subtle form of racism I never noticed before. In this movie, the protagonist is a regular, nerdy teacher...before turning into a god-like super hero.

I'm sure you know what METEOR MAN is about from the title alone. A mild-mannered teacher transforms into a super hero. He battles the bloods and crypts of his neighborhood. And persuades these rival gangs to put away their glocks, and start acting like role models.

The bloods and crypts may have stopped fighting, but there's another gang in town: the 'Golden Lords'. All the gang members have dyed their hair blonde. Oh man, Don Cheadle with blonde hair, leading a gang of blonde-haired kids; that's priceless. And it gets better. You can hear Cheadle's contractually obligated, audio commentary on the blue ray...no, I'm kidding. But I'm certain that if Don Cheadle died today, at his memorial, there would be a blown up picture of him from this movie.

James Earl Jones was the funniest guy in the film. He plays a balding, middle-aged man, obsessed with looking young. For example, in one scene, he's wearing a Kidd and Play whig, and a very early 90s, Malcolm X baseball jersey. I love how Jones convincingly plays his part with a straight face.

Sinbad, how did he have time for CONEHEADS, THE SINBAD SHOW, and METEOR MAN, all in the same year. Seems to me,  If one man has super powers, it's definitely SINBAD.

Bill Cosby is so creepy in this film. Like GHOST DAD creepy. Cosby appears at the beginning and shows up at the end randomly.  I don't know where he came from. Is he homeless, an apartment superintendent, or a Ghost Dad?

METEOR MAN is a family film, and not high art.  I love how bizarre and random everything is. Yes,  there are plot holes, and it's never clear what Meteor Man's powers are.  And if he can see through people's clothes, why do we see everyone in generic, white underwear?  Maybe he can only see through one layer of clothes. Still though, some people don't wear any underwear.

Check this out when you have the flu or are severely sleep deprived. I think you'll be able to follow it.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Blended

BLENDED PG-13 117 Minutes Director: Frank Coraci Writers: Ivan Menchell, Clare Sera

CAST Adam Sandler...Jim Drew Barrymore...Lauren Kevin Nealon...Eddy Terry Crews...Nickens Wendi McLendon-Covey...Jen

She's an uptight career woman. He's an impulsive loser. Why would these two ever choose to spend time with one another?

BLENDED starts out with a blind date at Hooters. Jim is a single dad, with a dead wife. Lauren is a single mom, with an asshole ex-husband. During the date, Adam Sandler acts like a jerk. Watching SPORTSCENTER, while Drew Barrymore is trying to engage him in conversation. I know, it feels like an episode of HOME IMPROVEMENT. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie.

I don't need to tell you how they all ended up on a family vacation in Africa. Only five minutes of the film takes place on the African savanna. Which means no one really needed to go to Africa. Maybe the real Adam Sandler planned on having an affair with Drew Barrymore. It's plausible, they do have undeniable on-screen chemistry. And  this awful film is an elaborate ruse for extramarital activities. Keep in mind, this is only a theory, and it's based on irresponsible speculation. But I don't know of any alternative explanations.

They don't get along at first, but then Jim falls in love with Lauren and then...well, you've seen THE WEDDING SINGER. They both learn something about life...from Billy Idol on an airplane.

Throughout this two-hour ordeal. I hoped Kevin James would make a cameo. Yeah, wishing Kevin James would show up, now that's a sign of a good film. Perhaps he'd be the keynote speaker at a zookeeper conference, and on the way to the La Quinta, Kevin would save everyone from an angry tiger with serious intimacy issues. But James was mysteriously absent. Maybe his schedule wouldn't allow for a 6-month vacation.

There are many things wrong with BLENDED, beyond what I've illustrated thus far. Bad jokes get repeated several times...from previous films. Sandler's daughter looks like a dude, we get it. Also, there was a dead mom gag, which is a tad morbid for such a broad comedy. FULL HOUSE found a way to avoid talking about the nonliving mother. And it made for a better comedy.

There is one thing I liked about this film, and it's Terry Crews. He really took his ten minutes of screen time, and made the most of a bad situation. He'd pop in randomly, singing songs with a band. Like that guy playing guitar in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. Also, Joel McHale wasn't bad, performance wise that is, although he did play a bad guy. As Drew Barrymore's asshole, ex-husband.

So BLENDED is not the worst Sandler comedy...ever. No, he's got 15 other movies that are just as bad. I could have just copied and pasted my earlier review from JUST GO WITH IT. But that would be lazy.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 100

Bear

BEARS PG 78 Minutes Directors: Alastair Fothergill, Keith Scholey

CAST John C. Reilly...(Voice Over) Bears

Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the bare necessities That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the bare necessities of life -THE JUNGLE BOOK

Check It Out!

Before I get started, I'd like to emphasize that this film really is about Bears, and not a particular sexual preference.

If you take a close look at Bears, you'll notice that they're really just fat wolves. Or put another way: bears are wolves in bears' clothing, but I digress.

BEARS is a fascinating account on the unbearable plight of brown bears in Alaska. They have it tough. Almost as tough as penguins...from that MADAGASCAR cartoon.

REAL CAST MEMBERS

Sky-Mamma bear, the main character. She's looking for salmon...and trouble. Mostly salmon though, otherwise she and her cubs won't survive the winter.

Scout-He's a cub who's far too adventurous for his own good.

Chinook-Little sister, not a risk taker.

Magnus-Don't mess with the alpha. Something tells me he could survive a shot-gun to the head, and kill you afterwards. He's a not-so-gentle-Ben.

Tikaani-Literally, the lone wolf, and not in a good way.

Featuring...John C. Reilly as a Morgan Freeman-type guy.

Also, there's a nameless raven who plays a crucial role in finding food for Sky. But the 'black bird singing in the dead of night' gets no love from these heartless documentarians. I would have named the bird Flacco, or Symone.

We know Sky is the mother. But I wonder who the father is. He was definitely present at some point in the movie. It just doesn't seem right. I think raising cubs would be easier with two parents.

So we get another inoffensive family movie from Disney. But I can't complain this time, I like nature documentaries. Nature films are getting better lately, ever since that NORTH AMERICA program aired. Now, that's a show worth watching. Oh man, Tom Selleck really set a new standard for voice over work on animal shows.

Problems?

There were only a couple of problems with this movie. I didn't like how that American Family Insurance song got incorporated in the soundtrack. Secondly, I wish these bears could talk.

Things I Now Know

BEARS is an informative documentary. I learned many new things about brown bears. Like they don't eat Teddy Grahams, or picnic baskets, and they don't have money to buy food from their car wash business.

Hibernation

BEAR shows you the plight of the brown bear, in a way Winnie The Pooh never could. I've seen every bear movie. And by far, BEAR is the best bear movie I've seen, and I'm including THE COUNTRY BEARS and the BAD NEWS BEARS (and its respective sequels). After seeing this movie, I now know what that bear patch on my cub scout uniform actually represents.

Final Verdict: 88 out of 100

God Is Not Dead

GOD IS NOT DEAD PG 113 Minutes Director: Harold Cronk Writers: Hunter Dennis, Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon

CAST Dean Caine...Mark Willie Robertson...Himself Shane Harper...Josh Wheaton Kevin Sorbo...Professor Radisson Korie Robertson...Herself Marco Khan ...Misrab

Caine And Able

GOD IS NOT DEAD isn't like most other religious movies. This one had some star power behind it. Featuring the guy from DUCK DYNASTY, Kevin Sorbo, and Dean Cain.

This is a movie about good and evil. The educated guy is evil. The college freshman is the good guy and the bad guy is an atheist philosophy professor. Does anyone else find it kind of ironic Kevin Sorbo used to play the son of God on a TV show?

Josh Wheaton is a first-year college student. One day, while sitting in philosophy class. Professor Sorbo tells everyone to write 'God Is Dead' on a piece of paper. But Josh just couldn't bring himself to do it. So Hercules challenges him to a debate. If this student can't convince his classmates that God does exist, he fails the class. Because that's how grades work in college.

This feat isn't as easy as it looks. Outside class, Sorbo makes many vague threats aimed at Josh; And to make matters worse, his longtime girlfriend dumps him. Because he's throwing his future away, although I'm sure there are other reasons.

The debate part made sense, that is, before everyone started talking. The worst part of this movie is when Josh. used 'begs the question' incorrectly. And this is in a philosophy class. Aristotle goes into great length on what begging the question actually is. Strangely enough, in GOD IS NOT DEAD, there is plenty of question begging, as well as other logical fallacies, and invalid deductive arguments. If a philosophy professor If a philosophy professor actually saw this movie, they'd roll around in an epileptic fit.

Dean Cain plays a an uncaring business person, who is indifferent toward his girlfriend with cancer. Dean was completely unnecessary, but I'm not upset with this man, his small role was rather entertaining, and he made a bad movie sightly easier to sit through. Additionally, I'm glad Dino is in something that doesn't involve resourceful dogs.

Other Random Questions

Who is this newspaper reporter? And why was she assigned to interview random religious people in an insulting way?

What's the deal with the Muslim girl getting beat by her dad for believing in Jesus? That doesn't seem right.

Toward The End Of My Review

After pontificating on some of the more serious issues addressed in this movie. I've concluded that I really don't know if there is a creator...of this film.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Bad Neighbors

BAD NEIGHBORS R 96 Minutes Director: Nicholas Stoller Writers: Andrew J. Cohen, Brendan O'Brien

CAST Seth Rogen...Mac Radner Rose Byrne...Kelly Radner Ike Barinholtz...Jimmy Zac Efron...Teddy Sanders Dave Franco...Pete

Mr. And Mrs. Buzz Kill Would Like To Welcome You To Our Neighborhood

Okay, let me set the scene for you. An obnoxious fraternity, Delta Psi, moves next to a young family. But wait, you're not going to believe what happens next. The frat and the family start out as friends. But tensions soon rise after the fraternity starts acting like a fraternity. Before long, there is an all out war: good guys versus bad guys. And just like with POLTERGEIST, moving to another home isn't going to destroy the beings that haunt them at night.

Movies featuring Seth Rogen have been funny. But I don't know if he can make a film funny on his own. Just take a look at THE GUILT TRIP. This is the first time Seth Rogen doesn't smoke pot in a movie. No I'm kidding, but it was the first time he got high on shrooms and pot in the same scene. Somehow, pot smoking gets worked into all Seth's movies. Even in 50/50, the film about a guy with terminal cancer.

If I'm watching a Seth Rogen movie, I know James Franco will probably show up somewhere. But he didn't. Don't fret though, we did get a guy who looks like James Franco, named Dave Franco.

Zac Efron's character is the party-animal president of Delta Psi, whose fraternity is on probation. The real Zac (without an h) did party too much, but it was only to prepare for his role on DR. DREW'S CELEBRITY REHAB...I mean BAD NEIGHBORS. As a method actor, not showing up hung over to the movie set would be unprofessional.

Would You Keep It Down Some Of Us Squares Are Trying To Sleep

I'm not saying you should avoid this film. There were funny moments, sparsely scattered throughout the film. It has enough solid laughs to get a B-Grade, but BAD NEIGHBORS doesn't quite make the dean's list. If you want to see a better movie starting with the word BAD, I recommend BAD SANTA or BAD GRANDPA.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Tokarev

TOKAREV R 93 Minutes Director: Paco Cebazas Writers: Jim Agnew, Sean Keller

CAST Danny Glover…Don Knotts Nicholas Cage…Paul Maguire Rachel Nichols…Vanessa Aubrey Peeples…Caitlin Maguire Peter Stormare…Francis O'Connell Danny Glover…Detective St. John

'I'm out of the game, you know that.'

This is a story about one man. He swore off the bad life a long time ago. Now he's ready to make an honest living. But that type of man can't keep it real for very long. Because he's just too good at doing bad things. But enough about Nick Cage.

Paul Maguire used to be in an Irish crime syndicate. Now he's the mayor's assistant. One night, while Paul and his wife are out for dinner, his daughter is killed in their home. Paul gets in touch with his old contacts. He kills a bunch of innocent suspects, Chuck Branson style, in a search to find the real killer. Because the police aren't going to do anything. Except scarf doughnuts, while throwing darts at a picture of his daughter.

I gave this movie a chance, because I figured if Danny Glover was in it, it couldn't be too bad. At the very least, I knew the Angels would win the pennant. But in TOKAREV, Glover plays the nicest police chief in the world. He makes Andy Griffith look like King Joffrey. In one instance, after a high-speed pursuit, Paul crashes into dozens of cars, and the police chief let's him go. But don't worry, Paul promised not to hurt any more people...in the man hunt for his daughter's killer: scout's honor.

Not everything is so bad in this movie. For one, Nick Cage kills himself at the end. Secondly, there's interesting plot twist. The killer was the person you'd least expect. Third, we get to see the most bizarre make out session in movie history. And lastly, TOKAREV is the Nick-Cagiest movie you're going to see in the near future. I suspect this film has collected dust for a couple of years. Because he's done some decent movies lately.

If you want to see this film, don't admit it to anyone. Just wait until you're sitting in a friend's living room, when they leave the room, order this movie On-Demand, but pretend you did it by accident. If it's already paid for, then it would be wasteful not to watch it.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Bad Words

BAD WORDS
R
89 Minutes
Director: Jason Bateman
Writer: Andrew Dodge

CAST Jason Bateman…Guy Rohan Chand…Chaitanya Chopra Philip Baker Hall…Dr. Bowman Kathryn Hahn…Jenny Widgeon

I love old movies where a golden retriever plays football because there is nothing in the rule book saying they can't. In BAD WORDS, there is a similar concept at work. A grown man, that never passed the eighth grade. Goes on to enter a children's spelling bee.

Doesn't Play Well With Others

I don't know how he got around compulsory education laws. You have to go to school until your 16. When I was in school, you literally couldn't fail any class until high school. Maybe he got left back twice, after starting kindergarten a year late. Whatever the case may be, Guy has not matured passed eighth grade. I guess you could say he's in arrested development...get it. At least it seems that way. He isn't mentally handicapped, he seems like a college educated professional, with a savant-like spelling ability. Unapologetically, Guy plays a bully, like Johnny Lawrence (of the Cobra Kai), from THE KARATE KID novel based on the motion picture.

What's His Motivation?

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why he's participating in children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee.

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why a grown man is participating in a children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing that keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee. As it turns out Guy isn't just some doosh (or is it douche?). No he's a man on a vendetta. That's all I can say, without spoiling things.

I know he's done many great things since, but anytime I see Jason Bateman, I think how hilarious he was in THE HOGAN FAMILY...in that episode where his friend died of AIDS.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S ?

From the previews, it seemed like BAD WORDS was just going to be a bad comedy; where they try and be as offensive as possible. While the film started out that way, things progressed, and I found myself laughing, and liking the complex characters. This movie felt like a kind of good, John Hughes movie, but it never sores into John- Hughes-movie-featuring-John-Candy territory.

No movie should end with a Smashing Pumpkins song, minus 5 points.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Sidenote: The main character's last name is 'Words'.