The Boy Next Door (Mini-Review)

THE BOY NEXT DOOR
R
91 Minutes
Director: Rob Cohen
Writer: Barbara Curry
Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, Kristin Chenoweth

CAST
Jennifer Lopez...Claire Peterson
Ryan Guzman...Noah Sandborn
Ian Nelson...Kevin Peterson
John Corbett...Garrett Peterson

J-LO has transitioned from sex symbol to MILF. She's still pretty hot, and not even just for someone her age, but I digress. In this film, she's an English teacher who slept with a third-year senior, which happens to be her next door neighbor. Kind of like that episode of DAWSON'S CREEK, with Joshua Jackson and the English teacher, back in 1998. At least that's what my sister told me...after reading my article on the DAWSON'S CREEK Wiki page.

There is nothing redeemable about this film. I know it seems impossible, but THE BOY NEXT DOOR is much worse than I anticipated. And because of the incredibly dark subject matter, I couldn't laugh at the cheesy dialogue. After some serious consideration, I decided that you shouldn't see THE BOY NEXT DOOR. He's only ten, and I can't condone child rape, especially when that boy is mentally challenged. Shame on you for considering such a horrific act. As for the movie, THE BOY NEXT DOOR, don't see that either. Not that you have the option of actually watching it. Yeah, good luck with that. I had to watch this thing in ten-minute installments, over the course of a month. If I had to rent this at one of those video stores that used to exist, I'd have to pay 90 dollars in late fees. But it would be worth it, because I could complain about it to a human being, nay, a video store clerk. Or at least scratch up the DVD, to keep others from making the same mistake I made. But now, in the year 2015, I have no recourse. All I can do is shake my fist and shout to the heavens, figuratively speaking, in blog form.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

The Kingsman

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
R
129 minutes
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writers: Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn, Mark Millar, Dave Gibbons

CAST
Colin Firth...Harry Hart
Samuel L. Jackson...Valentine
Taron Egerton...Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin

All The King's Horses And All The Kingsmen...

Gary, a guy in his early twenties, becomes a member of the Kingsmen. This organization is a very exclusive, private sector spy agency. With an arduous training program, full of unsavory, WASPY classmates. It's a familiar dynamic, like Brendan Fraser in SCHOOL TIES. Except Brendan Fraser was Jewish, not poor. But come on, that's almost as bad. All the class warfare is easy to dismiss in the States here, but that's a very real thing in British society. Just look at the blonde kid from Harry Potter. He spent every moment trying to antagonize that dorky kid with 'glasses', nay, the dorky kid with wire frames, those glasses he wore, they didn't have any lenses. It was all just an affectation. Which made me loathe this Harry Potter character. As a result, I was kind of rooting for the blonde kid in every HARRY POTTER film. Yes, he was a dick, but he was a righteous one at that.

This movie has a classic fantasy structure. A hero with a dead father, goes on an epic quest to save the world. But none of these familiar elements detract from the film itself. KINGSMAN is a very self-aware movie. The cliché elements are satirical. 

More On Harry Potter...

This picture doesn't have too many flaws . But it is a little too fantastical at times.   Like a HARRY POTTER movie, it takes place in the present day, but there's absolutely no grounding in reality. Don't get me wrong, this film is fun, but it all feels pointless.  That being said, the sharp, self-aware humor, and the tolerable, cartoonish violence helped me forget about the meaninglessness of it all.

Back To That Movie I Was Reviewing

THE KINGSMAN is worth seeing, but don't expect anything too deep. In the words of Bill Cosby, 'all you got to do is sit back and enjoy the ride'. For clarification, I'm not talking about the comedian, I'm referring to another Bill Cosby that I went to high school with. I think he was an (alleged) serial rapist.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100

Black or White

BLACK OR WHITE
PG-13
121 Minutes
Director: Mike Binder
Writer: Mike Binder
Kevin Costner, Bill Burr, Octavia Spencer

CAST
Kevin Costner...Elliot Anderson
Octavia Spencer...Rowena Jeffers
Jillian Estell...Eloise Anderson
Bill Burr...Rick Reynolds
Anthony Mackie...Jeremiah Jeffers

Jeremiah: Do you dislike black people?
Elliot: Not all of them.

Elliot Anderson, More Like Elliot Ness, Because Kevin Costner Was In That UNTOUCHABLES Film...Get It?

It's a rare treat, when you get an entire movie theater to yourself. Which got me thinking: is it still rude to use a smartphone if you're the only person in the theater? Kind of an interesting Zen quandary to ponder. Also, I loved yelling things at the screen like, 'quit drinking so much Kevin', and 'that's so racist'.

SWING VOTE was the last Kevin Costner film I saw voluntarily. So I noticed many interesting parallels between SWING VOTE and BLACK OR WHITE. First similarity, Kevin's character is an alcoholic. Second, his character is trying to raise a little girl on his own. Third, both feature absent mothers with drug problems. And lastly, these two films have black and white folks, not in the SCHINDLER'S LIST way either. I'm referring to race, not black and white film.

Costner's wife dies. Distraught with grief, Kevin stumbles through his days in a drunken stupor. Which is understandable. But it takes much more time than it should for him to sober up. Considering he's in the middle of a contentious custody battle.

Even with all its flaws, this movie has a strong conclusion. I'll give it that. And for a moment, I could see that Kevin Costner tried to make an honest statement on race relations in America. But his good intentions didn't make for a good movie. Things got crazy, and bizarre toward the end of the film. I love the knife fight/drowning of Kevin Costner scene. Ghost wife brought him up for air, or so it seemed. And the final custody hearing was straight out of an episode of NIGHT COURT. Many jokes were sprinkled throughout the court proceedings. Costner goes on a long diatribe about racial prejudice. The entire courtroom erupted in laughter, and applause. Gavel, gavel, order in the court...case dismissed. Elliot Ness gets custody. But it was all for nothing. Just outside the courtroom, the kid got hit by a car...just kidding. I really had you going there.

BLACK OR WHITE is superb. I like the part where Michael Jackson is on the Statue of Liberty. Oh, what's that? I'm thinking of a music video. Aahh geez, I hate when this happens. This is like BOYZ-N-THE-HOOD all over again; and to make things more confusing, both the movie, and the music video had Ice Cube.

In conclusion, if you want to see a film about race relations, I recommend watching PADDINGTON. The bear is brown, and the Brown (surname) family that he stays with is white. If the human race and the bear race can coexist peacefully. Then there is hope for everyone, even Kevin Costner. Additionally, Sally Hawkins is absolutely marvelous in everything she does.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

American Sniper

AMERICAN SNIPER
R
132 Minutes
Director: Clint Eastwood
Writers: Jason Hall, Chris Kyle, Scott McEwen, James Defelice
Bradley Cooper, Kyle Gallner, Ben Reed, Elise Robertson

CAST
Bradley Cooper...Chris Kyle
Ben Reed...Wayne Kyle
Elise Robertson...Debbie Kyle

Since childhood, Chris Kyle was a sniper of impeccable accuracy. So when September 11th hit, he knew it was time to put his talents to use. That's right, Chris Kyle is going with Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis to a Duck Hunt competition in California. They don't have a lot of money, so they have to hustle random strangers at convenience stores...that have Duck Hunt. I'm kidding though, AMERICAN SNIPER isn't that much fun. No this film is about a killer who hunts homeless people for sport.

The Reel Story

At the age of 30, Chris Kyle becomes a Navy Seal. He fights for our freedom, over in Iraq. From here, everything unfolds as you would expect. Except the ending, there isn't one.

I want to see a film where Chris Kyle goes all RAMBO on us. He'd be unstoppable, Brian Dennehy would go berserk. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about a live action movie version of the Atari game, BERSERK. Dennehy would dress up in a giant smiley face costume to play 'Evil Otto'. Oh, I got another one: Chris Kyle plays a pioneer in OREGON TRAIL...THE MOVIE. His character dies early on, because muskets aren't very accurate. Catching dysentery didn't help either. It severely weakens him, and he couldn't put up much of a fight when he got mauled by that pack of mutant timberwolves.

This movie isn't very good, and everyone is pretending it is. Am I the only one with the audacity to fuck with a navy seal. Just because a movie has a war hero, doesn't make it good. Remember that fake movie in the middle of INGLORIOUS BASTERDS...well ...it was actually pretty good, but that's the exception that proves the rule. I suppose Nazi propaganda is difficult to mess up.

Of this year's Oscar nominees, AMERICAN SNIPER is the worst. If there was a category for best sniper film, I'd give it to Wesley Snipes in EXPENDABLES 3, for his precision knife-throwing 'sniping'. AMERICAN SNIPER gets second prize in my category.

Should I (I Meaning You, The Reader) See This Film?

First, Iraq War veterans steer clear, you've seen this one already. Secondly, Bradley Cooper fans shouldn't see this. Unfortunately, in AMERICAN SNIPER he plays someone else who isn't Bradley Cooper. And lastly, if you like first-person shooters, visit a meadow somewhere, and put some AMERICAN SNIPER DVDs in a clay pigeon thrower. Grab your rifle, and shoot some DVDs. If you miss your target, no biggie, I'm sure one of those discs will kill a bird. Can't feel too bad about delicious collateral damage.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Taken 3

TAKEN 3
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Oliver Megaton
Writers: Lucy Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

CAST                                                   Liam Neeson...Bryan Mills Forrest Whitaker...Franck Dotzler Maggie Grace...Kim Mills Dougray Scott...Stuart St. John Dylan Bruno...Smith

The Russians Are Coming

To state the obvious cliché, good things really do come in threes. There are so many good ones, where do we start. THE GODFATHER, BACK TO THE FUTURE, and THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES come to mind. But regardless of quality, third films never do well. Probably because you can only find them at 7-11. Additionally, I think people recognize these movies for what they are: cash grabs.

TAKEN 3 is about Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who's framed for jaywalking...I mean murdering his ex-wife. I think this involves a life insurance scam by the ex-wife's new husband. Without his ex-wife's murder, I think it's safe to say Bryan would have rekindled his old marriage. Which is why this story is so tragic.

I'm surprised Liam Neeson signed on for this project. If my wife died, I wouldn't make movies that remind me of that fact...everyday, for six months. Neeson constantly makes movies to avoid his complex emotional issues. Since he probably has the last say on the final screenplay. Why the man would choose to torture himself is beyond me. Perhaps it's therapeutic in some way. Or maybe a producer is holding one of his real kids hostage, until Liam repays his gambling debts.

The daughter doesn't seem like she was kidnapped, or 'tooken', for very long. Also, toward the end of the film, a gun is held to her head, but that's it. She's pregnant, so I suppose the daughter is kidnapping her own child. Or maybe the wife got,kidnapped, before getting killed, but that's just wild speculation I don't know that it actually happened. We shouldn't have to get bogged down in semantics to understand a film.

Liam Neeson is a white, modern-day, Denzel Washington. Like EQUALIZER-BOOK OF ELI Denzel. He's capable of assassinating world leaders and/or foiling terrorist plots. But not without a Life Alert necklace. Because now he's an older, reluctant, all-around-badass. An action packed day, full of ass-kicking, now requires about a month of rest on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

If you haven't seen the first or second TAKEN installments, I recommend seeing TAKEN 3. If they are all the same movie anyway. I guess it doesn't matter which one you see. All of them are equally predictable and bland. I'm saying don't watch this movie, unless a loved one is kidnapped by Russian gangsters, and you lack the CIA know-how to get her back. But even then, TAKEN 3 is going to be the most strenuous homework assignment you're ever going to do.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Interview

THE INTERVIEW
R
112 Minutes
Director: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Dan Sterling, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

CAST James Franco...James Skylark Seth Rogen...Aaron Rapaport Lizzy Caplan...Agent Lacey Randall Park...President Kim

Blowing The Mind Of Kim Jung-un...Without A Chronic Sack

THE INTERVIEW has a simple plot. A tabloid journalist (Franco) scores an interview with Kim Jung-un, and he works with the CIA to kill this leader of North Korea. 

I don't know if James Franco plays a convincing Mario Lopez. Because we know he's a college professor in real life. And the  professor thing is just a side gig. It's like Louie Anderson playing Tracey Gold in FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

Seth Rogen is the producer of the tabloid show. He's the voice of reason in a clusterfuck of craziness. That is until he tried to put the moves on the hot chief of propaganda. That part is more boring than you think.

I don't want to look like a raving, fanatical  bureaucrat, but last time I checked, assassinating world leaders is illegal. And I have a hard time believing that the CIA would break international law, to stop a benevolent dictator from oppressing the people of North Korea. I'm docking points, because this assassination plot should be discussed with other members of the UN, before it gets bottled up in committee by a Russian delegate. 

If you haven't seen THE INTERVIEW yet,  shame on you. It's your patriotic duty to see this deeply flawed comedy. Best case scenario: after a bloody, HUNGER GAMES-style revolution, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes a beacon of democracy, and prosperity. Worst case scenario: thermonuclear war, leaving only teenage mutant ninja cockroaches to repopulate our planet. All because of an otherwise forgetful stoner comedy. THE INTERVIEW may not be a great film, but it's definitely an important one.  Fifty years from now, Seth Rogen's picture will be in kids history books, nay, history holographic readers, with scratch-and-sniff technology so powerful, your grandchildren will suffer irreversible brain damage from the contact high.

This movie suffers because the main character isn't very likable. I can't relate to third-world dictator. Kim Jung-un is a total buzzkill. But at least he speaks perfect English. It'd be a shame if I had to read subtitles, while I'm completely baked.

You should see THE INTERVIEW. Not now, of course. Wait for it on basic cable. Flip it on during the commercials, when your watching ROAD HOUSE on CMT for the twelfth time...this month. 

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 1
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Francis Lawrence
Writer: Peter a Craig, Danny Strong, Suzanne Collins
Jennifer Lawrence, Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman

CAST
Jennifer Lawrence...Katniss Everdeen
Willow Shields...Primrose Everdeen
Josh Hutcherson...Peeta Mellark
Julianne Moore...President Alma Coin
Stanley Tucci...Caesar Flickerman
Jeffrey Wright...Beetee
Philip Seymour Hoffman...Plutarch Heavensbee
Woody Harrelson...Haymitch Abernathy

Welcome To The Machine

For John Candy it was WAGONS EAST, and for Chris Farley it was ALMOST HEROES. MOCKINGJAY (Parts 1 and 2) is Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. There's one thing I'm certain of: Hoffman wants to be remembered only for this movie, nothing else.

I like how this film didn't actually center on the Hunger Games themselves. The key players aren't kids anymore. This means less awkward, romantic scenes. Also, most of the young children have been vaporized in the bombing by the ruling government. Which is great. No, no, no...hear me out. Okay, I realize I might be stirring up controversy here, but I don't approve of bombing children. It's great because I didn't have to see kids vaporized on-screen. All the action took place off-screen.

MOCKINGJAY focuses on overthrowing the government of Panem. Now that's something I can get behind. This revolution is in the Pre-Stalin, Post- Bolshevik stage. Julianne Moore is the Lenin figure. Right here, it's tempting to give a ten page, in-depth analysis, on the Marxist overtones in THE HUNGER GAMES. But that will have to wait for another time. I don't know why I'm just noticing this now. But all the people in THE HUNGER GAMES have very made-up-sounding names. Jeffrey Wright plays one of the black characters. His name is Beetee. The funny thing is when you say that name it sounds like B-E-T. I don't know which is more racist: his name or the fact that there's only two black characters in the movie. What I liked most was how Lenny Kravitz wasn't in this film, because of his tragic death in the last HUNGER GAMES. You could hear everyone in the theater groan after the movie was finished. Don't leave us a '...to be continued' TV episode. Because this movie doesn't stand well on its own. You can make MOCKINGJAY into two parts, but give us some closure in PART 1. I know I could read the book, but that book was made for 13-year-old girls, and I'm not allowed in the Young Adult section at Barnes and Noble...anymore. Furthermore, unlike the book, A HUNGER GAMES film is a piece of art. All that being said, I was thoroughly entertained. Until the conclusi...

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100