Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2
PG
94 Minutes
Director: Andy Fickman
Writers: Kevin James, Nick Bakay

CAST
Kevin James...Paul
Raini Rodriguez...Maya
Eduardo Verástegui...Eduardo Furtillo
Daniella Alonso...Divina
Neal McDonough...Vincent

'Take the money and run.'
-Steve Miller

Kevin James is at it again. No, they didn't reboot the ZOOKEEPER. This time, we get a sequel to the mall cop movie... no, the one without Seth Rogen (Seth's character is in jail for a very long time). I didn't really have a problem with the first PAUL BLART. Sure, it was dumb, but it had heart. It was a family film, but for what it was, it was fine. Now, this whole franchise feels like an adult version of HOME ALONE. One person, foiling the plans of incompetent criminals. And like HOME ALONE, we got a sequel that no one asked for.

This movie doesn't take place in a suburban, New Jersey mall. Now this time were in for a real treat. There's a security guard convention in Las Vegas. Doug...I mean Paul Blart has to prevent an evil crime lord (the villain from WALKING TALL) from stealing all the artwork at a hotel.

I always feel uncomfortable sitting in the movie theater, full of other people laughing...at things that aren't very funny. Is there any hope for humanity, if I to share the planet with these people. Forget I said that, I'm just being elitist.

Kevin James is not a completely inept comedian, or a comic actor. I kind of like his standup specials. And if I don't feel like thinking, I might turn on an episode of KING OF QUEENS. But this film is completely unacceptable. Yes, there were a few laughs and PAUL BLART 2, and I mean that literally, three laughs. I'd share them, but I don't want to spoil the movie for you.

Paul's mother gets hit by a milk truck, at the beginning. And this fact kind of gets glossed over, and made light of. I'm no prude, but getting killed by a milk truck isn't very funny. She should have gotten hit by an Oscar Myer Wiener Mobile...right in the keister. Now that's funny.

After the first movie, Kevin James lost a bit of weight. He hired a personal chef, and regularly drank kale smoothies for breakfast. So it looks like James had to gain about 50 pounds to play the role (rolls) again. Because a physically fit security guard is absolutely ludicrous. Risking your personal health for a mall cop movie is an interesting move. One day, Mr. James will find himself in a hospital bed after a heart attack, and he'll be glad he made PAUL BLART 2.

This film isn't completely irredeemable. There is a time and place to watch it. And that place is in prison, at Guantanamo Bay.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 10

Sidenote: Those dolphins on poster never actually appear in the movie

Get Hard

GET HARD (Mini-Review)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Etan Cohen
Writers: Ian Roberts, Jay Martel, Adam McKay

CAST
Will Ferrell...James King
Kevin Hart...Darnell
Tip 'T.I.' Harris...Russell
Alison Brie...Alissa
Craig T. Nelson...Martin

You Had Me At Craig T. Nelson

At first blush, get hard looks crass, sophomoric, and shamelessly offensive. And from the previews, and many reviews that's what I was expecting; something about as funny as BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE … PART THREE. Instead I found myself laughing at this multiple times. Kind of a similar phenomenon too that's my boy. Except the humor here is intelligent, and insightful. People don't understand the nuanced humor, and the social satire. This movie pokes fun and criticizes the American justice system. And it's done in a way that isn't too preachy.

Yes, there were bad innuendos, rape jokes, racial jokes, and walking jokes, such as Craig T Nelson . But even with all these handicaps, get hard gave me a raging…side ache, from all the laughing I was doing. I've never enjoyed a movie more that got an unjust (ironically) 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Final Verdict: 84 out of 100

Sidenote: No, the director's name is not a typo. The spelling of Etan Cohen's name is suspiciously close to another famous director. Essentially, I was fooled into seeing this movie. It all worked out though.

Do You Believe?

DO YOU BELIEVE
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Jon Gunn
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Ted McGinley, Mira Sorvino, Sean Astin, Alexa PenaVega

CAST

Mira Sorvino...Samantha
Sean Astin...Dr. Farell
Alexa PenaVega...Lacey
Delroy Lindo ...Malachi
Ted McGinley...Matthew
Andrea Logan White...Andrea

CHRISTMAS WITH A CAPITAL C

I had to see it for myself. Ted McGinley, starring in his own movie. Usually, he's the guy that shows up, right before a sitcom goes into the woods to die. Ted hasn't done his own movie since REVENGE OF THE NERDS. But was DO YOU BELIEVE better than REVENGE OF THE NERDS. No, but what movie is? Ted played the best, dooshy frat guy...ever, and I'm including Ryan Reynolds. Because this frat guy is really a self-hating nerd in denial; as we find out in the made-for-TV movie, REVENGE OF THE NERDS IV.

I could write a whole article on Ted McGinley. What can I say, he's a fascinating character. Ted did an adequate job on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, and that one episode of PERFECT STRANGERS (Larry's brother). But when you show up on HAPPY DAYS, after Ron Howard leaves, people aren't going to be too fond of you. Scott Baio likes him though; the day Ted showed up to the set, miraculously, people stopped picking on him.

And Another Thing

Why couldn't they get that dad from 7TH HEAVEN to play the pastor...what's that...pedophiles can't play pastors. Well I beg to differ.

Cut Them, Mash Them, Put Them In A Stew

Sean Astin has really fallen on hard times. In this movie, he plays a doctor who hates religious types (mostly Buddhists). That's his entire character. 'Doctoring' and killing the hopes of the faithful among us. Oh, and his attorney wife, she only cares about money. Well money, and the separation of church and state. That bitch!

Wasn't I Reviewing A Movie?

Not that long ago, one religious film was released a year...max. Before this film, there were six trailers for religious movies. DJ Tanner (from FULL HOUSE, not the disc jockey) is in one of these movies. Just look at the demon children Kirk Cameron has spawned. There is no stopping him. SAVING CHRISTMAS was the least successful, and the worst movie of 2014. Yet the American public is inundated with countless bad religious movies. Men who inspire this type of madness should be banished to the Island of Misfit Mascots.

Judgement Day

I was expecting to see something unapologetically bad. But aside from the Jesus stuff, most of the content was merely bland. Surprisingly, DO YOU BELIEVE is not the worst religious movie you're going to see. Sure it was preachy, but not too preachy. And there were interesting characters and situations, but there really wasn't enough suspense. While most of the characters lives were in serious peril throughout the picture. But you knew that most of the good ones would be okay. Only two of the twelve main characters died. A thug and an unwed teenage mother. I could've told you that without actually seeing the movie. Because after all, God created a just world.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Boy Next Door (Mini-Review)

THE BOY NEXT DOOR
R
91 Minutes
Director: Rob Cohen
Writer: Barbara Curry
Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, Kristin Chenoweth

CAST
Jennifer Lopez...Claire Peterson
Ryan Guzman...Noah Sandborn
Ian Nelson...Kevin Peterson
John Corbett...Garrett Peterson

J-LO has transitioned from sex symbol to MILF. She's still pretty hot, and not even just for someone her age, but I digress. In this film, she's an English teacher who slept with a third-year senior, which happens to be her next door neighbor. Kind of like that episode of DAWSON'S CREEK, with Joshua Jackson and the English teacher, back in 1998. At least that's what my sister told me...after reading my article on the DAWSON'S CREEK Wiki page.

There is nothing redeemable about this film. I know it seems impossible, but THE BOY NEXT DOOR is much worse than I anticipated. And because of the incredibly dark subject matter, I couldn't laugh at the cheesy dialogue. After some serious consideration, I decided that you shouldn't see THE BOY NEXT DOOR. He's only ten, and I can't condone child rape, especially when that boy is mentally challenged. Shame on you for considering such a horrific act. As for the movie, THE BOY NEXT DOOR, don't see that either. Not that you have the option of actually watching it. Yeah, good luck with that. I had to watch this thing in ten-minute installments, over the course of a month. If I had to rent this at one of those video stores that used to exist, I'd have to pay 90 dollars in late fees. But it would be worth it, because I could complain about it to a human being, nay, a video store clerk. Or at least scratch up the DVD, to keep others from making the same mistake I made. But now, in the year 2015, I have no recourse. All I can do is shake my fist and shout to the heavens, figuratively speaking, in blog form.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

The Kingsman

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
R
129 minutes
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writers: Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn, Mark Millar, Dave Gibbons

CAST
Colin Firth...Harry Hart
Samuel L. Jackson...Valentine
Taron Egerton...Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin

All The King's Horses And All The Kingsmen...

Gary, a guy in his early twenties, becomes a member of the Kingsmen. This organization is a very exclusive, private sector spy agency. With an arduous training program, full of unsavory, WASPY classmates. It's a familiar dynamic, like Brendan Fraser in SCHOOL TIES. Except Brendan Fraser was Jewish, not poor. But come on, that's almost as bad. All the class warfare is easy to dismiss in the States here, but that's a very real thing in British society. Just look at the blonde kid from Harry Potter. He spent every moment trying to antagonize that dorky kid with 'glasses', nay, the dorky kid with wire frames, those glasses he wore, they didn't have any lenses. It was all just an affectation. Which made me loathe this Harry Potter character. As a result, I was kind of rooting for the blonde kid in every HARRY POTTER film. Yes, he was a dick, but he was a righteous one at that.

This movie has a classic fantasy structure. A hero with a dead father, goes on an epic quest to save the world. But none of these familiar elements detract from the film itself. KINGSMAN is a very self-aware movie. The cliché elements are satirical. 

More On Harry Potter...

This picture doesn't have too many flaws . But it is a little too fantastical at times.   Like a HARRY POTTER movie, it takes place in the present day, but there's absolutely no grounding in reality. Don't get me wrong, this film is fun, but it all feels pointless.  That being said, the sharp, self-aware humor, and the tolerable, cartoonish violence helped me forget about the meaninglessness of it all.

Back To That Movie I Was Reviewing

THE KINGSMAN is worth seeing, but don't expect anything too deep. In the words of Bill Cosby, 'all you got to do is sit back and enjoy the ride'. For clarification, I'm not talking about the comedian, I'm referring to another Bill Cosby that I went to high school with. I think he was an (alleged) serial rapist.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100

Black or White

BLACK OR WHITE
PG-13
121 Minutes
Director: Mike Binder
Writer: Mike Binder
Kevin Costner, Bill Burr, Octavia Spencer

CAST
Kevin Costner...Elliot Anderson
Octavia Spencer...Rowena Jeffers
Jillian Estell...Eloise Anderson
Bill Burr...Rick Reynolds
Anthony Mackie...Jeremiah Jeffers

Jeremiah: Do you dislike black people?
Elliot: Not all of them.

Elliot Anderson, More Like Elliot Ness, Because Kevin Costner Was In That UNTOUCHABLES Film...Get It?

It's a rare treat, when you get an entire movie theater to yourself. Which got me thinking: is it still rude to use a smartphone if you're the only person in the theater? Kind of an interesting Zen quandary to ponder. Also, I loved yelling things at the screen like, 'quit drinking so much Kevin', and 'that's so racist'.

SWING VOTE was the last Kevin Costner film I saw voluntarily. So I noticed many interesting parallels between SWING VOTE and BLACK OR WHITE. First similarity, Kevin's character is an alcoholic. Second, his character is trying to raise a little girl on his own. Third, both feature absent mothers with drug problems. And lastly, these two films have black and white folks, not in the SCHINDLER'S LIST way either. I'm referring to race, not black and white film.

Costner's wife dies. Distraught with grief, Kevin stumbles through his days in a drunken stupor. Which is understandable. But it takes much more time than it should for him to sober up. Considering he's in the middle of a contentious custody battle.

Even with all its flaws, this movie has a strong conclusion. I'll give it that. And for a moment, I could see that Kevin Costner tried to make an honest statement on race relations in America. But his good intentions didn't make for a good movie. Things got crazy, and bizarre toward the end of the film. I love the knife fight/drowning of Kevin Costner scene. Ghost wife brought him up for air, or so it seemed. And the final custody hearing was straight out of an episode of NIGHT COURT. Many jokes were sprinkled throughout the court proceedings. Costner goes on a long diatribe about racial prejudice. The entire courtroom erupted in laughter, and applause. Gavel, gavel, order in the court...case dismissed. Elliot Ness gets custody. But it was all for nothing. Just outside the courtroom, the kid got hit by a car...just kidding. I really had you going there.

BLACK OR WHITE is superb. I like the part where Michael Jackson is on the Statue of Liberty. Oh, what's that? I'm thinking of a music video. Aahh geez, I hate when this happens. This is like BOYZ-N-THE-HOOD all over again; and to make things more confusing, both the movie, and the music video had Ice Cube.

In conclusion, if you want to see a film about race relations, I recommend watching PADDINGTON. The bear is brown, and the Brown (surname) family that he stays with is white. If the human race and the bear race can coexist peacefully. Then there is hope for everyone, even Kevin Costner. Additionally, Sally Hawkins is absolutely marvelous in everything she does.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

American Sniper

AMERICAN SNIPER
R
132 Minutes
Director: Clint Eastwood
Writers: Jason Hall, Chris Kyle, Scott McEwen, James Defelice
Bradley Cooper, Kyle Gallner, Ben Reed, Elise Robertson

CAST
Bradley Cooper...Chris Kyle
Ben Reed...Wayne Kyle
Elise Robertson...Debbie Kyle

Since childhood, Chris Kyle was a sniper of impeccable accuracy. So when September 11th hit, he knew it was time to put his talents to use. That's right, Chris Kyle is going with Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis to a Duck Hunt competition in California. They don't have a lot of money, so they have to hustle random strangers at convenience stores...that have Duck Hunt. I'm kidding though, AMERICAN SNIPER isn't that much fun. No this film is about a killer who hunts homeless people for sport.

The Reel Story

At the age of 30, Chris Kyle becomes a Navy Seal. He fights for our freedom, over in Iraq. From here, everything unfolds as you would expect. Except the ending, there isn't one.

I want to see a film where Chris Kyle goes all RAMBO on us. He'd be unstoppable, Brian Dennehy would go berserk. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about a live action movie version of the Atari game, BERSERK. Dennehy would dress up in a giant smiley face costume to play 'Evil Otto'. Oh, I got another one: Chris Kyle plays a pioneer in OREGON TRAIL...THE MOVIE. His character dies early on, because muskets aren't very accurate. Catching dysentery didn't help either. It severely weakens him, and he couldn't put up much of a fight when he got mauled by that pack of mutant timberwolves.

This movie isn't very good, and everyone is pretending it is. Am I the only one with the audacity to fuck with a navy seal. Just because a movie has a war hero, doesn't make it good. Remember that fake movie in the middle of INGLORIOUS BASTERDS...well ...it was actually pretty good, but that's the exception that proves the rule. I suppose Nazi propaganda is difficult to mess up.

Of this year's Oscar nominees, AMERICAN SNIPER is the worst. If there was a category for best sniper film, I'd give it to Wesley Snipes in EXPENDABLES 3, for his precision knife-throwing 'sniping'. AMERICAN SNIPER gets second prize in my category.

Should I (I Meaning You, The Reader) See This Film?

First, Iraq War veterans steer clear, you've seen this one already. Secondly, Bradley Cooper fans shouldn't see this. Unfortunately, in AMERICAN SNIPER he plays someone else who isn't Bradley Cooper. And lastly, if you like first-person shooters, visit a meadow somewhere, and put some AMERICAN SNIPER DVDs in a clay pigeon thrower. Grab your rifle, and shoot some DVDs. If you miss your target, no biggie, I'm sure one of those discs will kill a bird. Can't feel too bad about delicious collateral damage.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Taken 3

TAKEN 3
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Oliver Megaton
Writers: Lucy Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

CAST                                                   Liam Neeson...Bryan Mills Forrest Whitaker...Franck Dotzler Maggie Grace...Kim Mills Dougray Scott...Stuart St. John Dylan Bruno...Smith

The Russians Are Coming

To state the obvious cliché, good things really do come in threes. There are so many good ones, where do we start. THE GODFATHER, BACK TO THE FUTURE, and THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES come to mind. But regardless of quality, third films never do well. Probably because you can only find them at 7-11. Additionally, I think people recognize these movies for what they are: cash grabs.

TAKEN 3 is about Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who's framed for jaywalking...I mean murdering his ex-wife. I think this involves a life insurance scam by the ex-wife's new husband. Without his ex-wife's murder, I think it's safe to say Bryan would have rekindled his old marriage. Which is why this story is so tragic.

I'm surprised Liam Neeson signed on for this project. If my wife died, I wouldn't make movies that remind me of that fact...everyday, for six months. Neeson constantly makes movies to avoid his complex emotional issues. Since he probably has the last say on the final screenplay. Why the man would choose to torture himself is beyond me. Perhaps it's therapeutic in some way. Or maybe a producer is holding one of his real kids hostage, until Liam repays his gambling debts.

The daughter doesn't seem like she was kidnapped, or 'tooken', for very long. Also, toward the end of the film, a gun is held to her head, but that's it. She's pregnant, so I suppose the daughter is kidnapping her own child. Or maybe the wife got,kidnapped, before getting killed, but that's just wild speculation I don't know that it actually happened. We shouldn't have to get bogged down in semantics to understand a film.

Liam Neeson is a white, modern-day, Denzel Washington. Like EQUALIZER-BOOK OF ELI Denzel. He's capable of assassinating world leaders and/or foiling terrorist plots. But not without a Life Alert necklace. Because now he's an older, reluctant, all-around-badass. An action packed day, full of ass-kicking, now requires about a month of rest on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

If you haven't seen the first or second TAKEN installments, I recommend seeing TAKEN 3. If they are all the same movie anyway. I guess it doesn't matter which one you see. All of them are equally predictable and bland. I'm saying don't watch this movie, unless a loved one is kidnapped by Russian gangsters, and you lack the CIA know-how to get her back. But even then, TAKEN 3 is going to be the most strenuous homework assignment you're ever going to do.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100