Race

RACE
PG-13
134 Minutes
Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writers: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse
Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Eli Goree

CAST
Stephan James...Jesse Owens
Jason Sudeikis...Larry Snyder
Eli Goree...Dave Albritton
Shanice Banton...Ruth Solomon
Adrian Zwicker...Adolf Hitler

‘Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon.' -Ice Cube, (YOU CAN DO IT)

First, I love the title, RACE. It's clever, because it's about a race, and a race. This movie is released in February, and everybody knows that only the best throwaway films are released this time of year. February is also Black History Month, which is a strange coincidence. I think RACE is a little too on the nose, titlewise. It should've been called: HITLER'S RACE.

Speaking Of Hitler

The main reason I wanted to watch this is for the fictitious Adolph Hitler. I pondered on all the possibilities. What's the mustache going look like? Real, fake, electrical tape, I don't know. Is he going to be cartoonish, like in the HEIL HONEY I'M HOME television show (yes, that was a real show). Hitler can be funny. One time, after eating a chocolate lava cake; inadvertently, I gave myself a little Hitler mustache. I wish I was lying, but I dealt with dozens of snickering customers that day, before a coworker finally pointed it out. But I digress. Anyway, would this be an alternate history film, where Jesse Owens shoots Hitler, before hijacking the Hindenburg? Sadly no. This Hitler did nothing interesting. He just sat there, glaring at Jesse Owens. I kind of feel cheated in a way. Hey filmmaker, why are you showing Hitler in the trailer, if he's not going to do anything cool.

The Movie Itself

RACE, the film, isn't terrible. Uneven? Absolutely. Well acted? Definitely. And while I enjoyed the last third of the film. The first two-thirds of the movie were just kind of...meh. Nothing exciting, just your not-so-typical athlete, overcoming adversity. I don't need to explain any further, you've all seen COOL RUNNINGS. But if you have money to throw away, go see RACE at a theater...and since you already get the gist of the movie, walk in around the two-thirds point of the film. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

SIDENOTE: DID YOU NOTICE THE LACK OF SPORTS CLICHÉS IN THE REVIEW? THERE WASN'T A 'DOWN THE FINAL STRETCH'; NOR 'WALK, DON'T RACE, TO SEE THIS FILM'. SORRY, I'M BABBLING ON SO MUCH. I GUESS I LOST TRACK OF TIME, AFTER MY PHOTO FINISH.

Anomalisa

ANOMALISA
R
90 Minutes
Writers: Charlie Kaufman
Director: Duke Johnson, Charlie Kaufman
David Thewlis, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Noonan

CAST
David Thewlis...Michael Stone
Jennifer Jason Leigh...Lisa Hesselman
Tom Noonan...Everyone Else

ANOMALISA is a stop-motion movie, about the desolation of life on the road; kind of like UP IN THE AIR. Except this film focuses on one character, Michael Stone. He's a customer service guru, author, and motivational speaker.

Because Tom Noonan plays most of the females in a male voice, I thought many of the females were transvestites. Which means Tom had a thing for pre-op females. It's a possible scenario, because none of the characters actually take their clothes off. But I'm most likely wrong. Just look at Eddie Murphy, he played many female characters in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys the company of transvestites. Besides, puppets don't really have a gender.

I've waited far too long for another Charlie Kaufman film to get made. But it's understandable. SYNEDOCHE was as ambitious as movies get. Exploring the entire human condition in a look two-hour film, is no easy task. And like SYNEDOCHE, so much effort was put into this ANOMALISA picture, that I suspect we'll be waiting many years for the next Kaufman movie.

If my review still hasn't persuaded you, you should still watch ANOMALISA, if only for the spectacular puppet love scene, rivaling that of TEAM AMERICA.

Final Verdict 98 out of 100

SIDENOTE: IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF CHARLIE KAUFMAN'S WORK, CHECK OUT THE EARLY 90S SITCOM, THE TROUBLE WITH LARRY. FEATURING BRONSON PINCHOT (BALKI), OF PERFECT STRANGERS FAME.

Creed

Creed
PG-13
133 Minutes
Director: Ryan Coogler
Writers: Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Michael B Jordan, Tessa Thompson

CAST
Michael B. Jordan...Adonis Johnson
Sylvester Stallone..Rocky Balboa
Tessa Thompson...Bianca
Phylicia Rashad...Mary Anne Creed
Andre Ward...Danny 'Stuntman' Wheeler
Tony Bellew...'Pretty' Ricky Conlan

'This movie has a lot of boxing. One time I punched a guy from 311, but I never actually boxed.' -Scott Stapp (Interview)

Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is not about Scott Stapp, or his band, Creed. Because there's so many questions. Like what really happened on that tour bus with Kid Rock, and all those groupies. Additionally, how did Scott uncover all those government conspiracies...while strung out on drugs. Not that the two are necessarily related. All kidding aside, Scott Stapp really does have a problem with CREED (the film). At least I thought so, it's difficult to detect sarcasm from a printed article. But after I watched the FUNNY OR DIE clip, I couldn't help but feel let down. His newly found sobriety has made him far too self aware to be funny.

I don't consider myself much of an expert on Sylvester Stallone movies, because I'm really more of a savant. Do you know anyone else who has seen all of Stallone's movies... multiple times...voluntarily? And for the record, I'm not including THE ITALIAN STALLION (1970), a softcore adult film. His character's name was 'Stud'...enough said. But I am including those horrific films he made in the nineties. However, things did slowly improve, moving forward into the 21st century. In what I like to call his 'post-GET CARTER' years. Purely by accident, Stallone has started making movies that people actually want to see. That's not to say he's above taking a big paycheck for a bad project. CREED exists only to make up for GRUDGE MATCH, a film that will forever haunt my dreams. But in all fairness, GRUDGE MATCH is mostly De Niro's fault.

Hmmm, I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about the plot. From the title alone, I think you get the gist. Apollo Creed's son has something to prove, so he trains Rocky for one last fight against George Forman. Need I say more?

In a world that seems so chaotic, people crave something familiar: the warm embrace of a Sylvester Stallone movie. And just like your dog leaving presents under the Christmas tree, it's something you can count on. Creed isn't coming out on DVD for a while, so this holiday season, put a card saying 'I-O-U one CREED DVD' in your mom's Christmas stocking.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Fateful Findings

FATEFUL FINDINGS 
100 Minutes 
R 
Writer: Neil Breen 
Director: Neil Breen 
Danielle Andrade, Jennifer Autry, Brianna Borden 

CAST 
Danielle Andrade...Ally 
Jennifer Autry...Leah 
Neil Breen...Dylan 
Klara Landrat...Emily 
David Silva...Jim

Stop whatever your doing, and watch FATEFUL FINDINGS. It makes THE ROOM look like CITIZEN KANE. And like THE ROOM, this filmmaker, Neil Breen, is pretending that FATEFUL FINDINGS was made bad...on purpose. But this claim is a rather dubious one at that. First, no one with a .biz website should ever be trusted (fatefulfindings.biz). I've heard some accounts of people not getting DVDs they've purchased through the site. And second, if campy were a race, FATEFUL FINDINGS goes on a warp speed detour into the Andromeda Galaxy, before arriving at the finish line.

What's This Thing All About? 

Officially, FATEFUL FINDINGS is about a computer hacker who uncovers government and corporate secrets. It's the only vaguely true plot point I'm able to decipher. Everything else unfolds in a truly random fashion. The same way you might recall a dream...nay, nightmare.

Dylan drops his vintage cellphone, while crossing the street. He tried to retrieve it, but gets hit by a Rolls Royce. In the next scene, Dylan is in a hospital bed, covered in bandages. After getting imbued with magic powers, he walks out of the hospital, and heads home. Once he's home, we're treated to an awkward love making session in the shower. Where Dylan has yet to take off all the bandages, and gauze from his face. And now, the protagonist's metamorphosis from man, to magic man, is complete.

Jim: We haven't had sex in a while, do you realize that?
... 
Jim's Wife: I'm very busy, my back is killing me. My office at the bank is having major problems.

Jim is Dylan's friend, although you would never think so, based on their lack of social interaction. Jim is an alcoholic. He's always knocking things down, and acting surly towards his wife. Don't worry, things get better for this couple. One day, when he's polishing his Lamborghini in the garage, his wife attempts to destroy the car...with bullets. One of those bullets hits her husband, and she immediately tries to cover up the accidental homicide, by making it look like a suicide. If I were in her place, I think I would at least attempt to wipe the finger prints off the gun. But who am I to judge, I don't know what it's like to kill a spouse.

Speaking Of Killing A Spouse

With all the computer hacking, Dylan forgets to pay attention to his wife, and she starts abusing alcohol and pain meds. Things end poorly for her, alone in her bed, she overdoses. It's okay though, he still has his childhood girlfriend, who has aged very well. It's almost as if she turned 30 and stopped aging entirely. Smash cut: the girlfriend and Dylan are making love in the woods. I know this guy sounds awful. Sleeping with another woman, right after his wife dies. But the grieving process is different for everyone. Just ask John Edwards.

Worse Than Corky Romano?

Movies this bad are a once in a lifetime experience. It's like a Mexican soap opera, without the production values, or storyline. Savor each morsel, like you would a discontinued candy bar, because nothing that sweet is ever coming back again.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Straight Outta Compton

STRIAGHT OUTTA COMPTON
R
147 Minutes
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writers: Jonathan Herman, S. Leigh Savidge, Alan Wenkus, and Andrea Berloff
Corey Hawkins, Jason Mitchell, Paul Giamatti

CAST
O'Shea Jackson Junior...Ice Cube
Corey Hawkins...Dr. Dre
Jason Mitchell...Eazy-E
Neil Brown Junior...Dj Yella
Aldis Hodge...MC Ren
Marlon Yates Junior...The D.O.C
Paul Giamatti...Jerry Heller
R. Marcos Taylor...Suge Knight

REAL MUTHAPHUCKKIN G'S

As a kid, I ate fruit loops every morning, with my YO! MTV RAPS. And I'd go to the public library just to read all of those SOURCE magazines. I'm like that Micheal Bolton character from OFFICE SPACE, nay, that Micheal Bolton character is totally based on me. I've been stoked for months for STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON to come out. And I was not disappointed. It's like this movie was made, specifically for me

My nickname was Eazy-E for my unofficial, intramural, soccer team (in my early twenties). I probably took the persona too far, with the Jerry curl wig, and the White Sox hat. At the time, I didn't care for the nickname, because I thought Eazy-E was a bit of a poser. On account of Eric not writing his own songs, and pretending to be a teenager. But dat shit don't even phaze me more...(clears throat) excuse me...no mo. Eaz quit school in the tenth grade to sell drugs, fund Ruthless Records, and discover BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY. If datz not gangsta, den 'you straight trippin boo', to quote Steve Martin...in BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.

If there's one thing that transformed a good movie into a great one, it's the believable 2Pac. Someone found the right-looking guy, and they dubbed in someone's real voice, who sounded just like Pac. In related news, another picture is in pre-production that focuses on 2pac, and Snoop. But that situation isn't going to work for a full-length movie. Perhaps the real 2Pac is going to have to come out of hiding for this one. Daz Dillenger is in charge of that project. Judging by the DVD that came with his U KNOW WHAT I'M THROWIN UP album, I'm concerned with how this follow up movie will turn out, very concerned.

How many people did Eazy-E, inadvertently, give AIDS to? Considering 'Eazy' is in his nome de plume, quite a few. Magic Johnson got HIV, and he's still alive. But that's because a man with a 'Magic Johnson' could never die or transmit AIDS. But Eazy's fate wasn't so magical. SPOILER ALERT, he died. No wait, I can't end a review on such a glib, and morbid note. Eric Wright still lives on...in hologram form...at minor league baseball stadiums, with BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY.
(Mic Drop)

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100

I Am Chris Farley

I AM CHRIS FARLEY
PG-13
96 Minutes
Writer: Steve Burgess
Director: Brent Hodge, Derik Murray
Adam Sandler, Bo Derek, Chris Farley, Christina Applegate, David Spade Mike Myers, Kevin Farley

'I want to live fast and die young.'
-Chris Farley

I know, I know, I must be a masochist. First, I saw INSIDE OUT, and now,  I AM CHRIS FARLEY. Somebody call Jermaine Dupri because I am ballin' out of control with these sad movies.  I've seen that E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD on Chris Farley...33 times, and every time I watch it, I think, 'maybe this show will end differently...this time around. Deep down, maybe I believe he's playing an Andy Kauffman-esque  joke, and Chris will ring my doorbell, and explain this elaborate ruse. Then I'm disappointed, and watch the E! Phil Hartman special, because that's all the E! network used to play: stories about celebrities who've died tragically. 

Chris Farley was a lot like John Candy, and I'm not just talking about in the obvious way. John and Chris weren't always funny, but they could always put a smile on your face. On a related note, without drug problems, Chris still would have died before the age of 50. Which was last year. I don't know for sure, but maybe it's better that Chris wasn't around to turn into a regular on Adam Sandler movies. But that would also mean Kevin James wouldn't have a career. 

Have you ever noticed that SHREK looks nothing like Michael Myers? Well, Mike Myers did. One thing that wasn't included what's the fact that Chris Farley recorded 'niner'-five percent of the voiceover work for Shrek before he died. I don't know why someone couldn't have given the movie the ol' Paul Walker treatment. Just tweak a couple things, that's it. Oh wait, I know why: you can't make eight sequels with a dead guy, not yet anyway.

Everyone needs to purchase this movie. Partially, because I would like to see a documentary made on Phil Hartman. But mostly because Chris Farley was a beautiful human being. It 's really a shame this film never got a wide release.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100

Ant-Man

ANT-MAN
PG-13
117 Minutes 
Director: Payton Reed
Writers: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish, Paul Rudd, Adam McKay, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby
Paul Rudd, TI, Michael Douglas

CAST
Paul Rudd...Ant-Man
Michael Douglas...Dr. Hank Pym
Evangeline Lilly...Hope van Dyne
Corey Stoll...Yellowjacket
Michael Peña...Luis
TI...Dave

I saw this without really knowing what it was about. I saw ANT-MAN because I had to. There was only one movie playing in the two-hour window when my cell phone was getting repaired. What else was I going to? Watch a movie on my phone? Can't. How about reading a book? A little hard to do, without the kindle app on my phone. Even if I remembered to bring my tablet, the WIFI at the Barnes And Noble across the street isn't strong enough to reach the repair shop.

The Ant is a creepy insect, and I'm not just referring to Woody Allen's character in ANTZ. They aren't as creepy as cockroaches, water bugs, or praying mantises. Most ants are fairly benign, they just crawl around, and scavenge food for winter. Usually, you won't encounter large ant colonies, unless leave an open, 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in the attic. But how does all this information relate to the movie? It doesn't, ANT-MAN is a misnomer. Paul Rudd doesn't turn into ant, the way Bart Simpson turned into a human-fly hybrid, in that Halloween episode. No, Ant-Man can shrink to the size of ant,...oh, and he can control hundreds of ants with his mind, but that's it.

Could you imagine if Spiderman shrunk to the size of a spider, and mentally controlled large clusters of brown recluses? I know, it would be freaking awesome...yet terrifying. Although, that kind of power is rarely used. ANT-MAN is great, albeit, light entertainment, so the dark side of shrinking is never explored. But maybe it's completely unnecessary. Look at HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS, or HOLLOW MAN (I know shrinking and disappearing aren't quite the same thing, but c'mon). These two films aren't exactly the pinnacle of cinematic excellence, so don't fret, ANT-MAN is best movie that could have been made with the source material. The jokes were actually funny, and I was never confused; that is something very rare in a comic book movie.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Inside Out

INSIDE OUT (With Spoilers)
PG
94 Minutes
Directors: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen
Writers: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader
Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Richard Kind, Bill Hader

CAST
Kaitlyn Dias...Riley Andersen
Amy Poehler...Joy
Phyllis Smith...Sadness
Richard Kind...Bing Bong
Bill Hader...Fear
Lewis Black...Anger

SPOILERS BELOW!

Read at your own risk, and please kindly refrain from sending any hate mail...directed at me. Although you should probably refrain from sending hate mail altogether.  So just pause a moment, and reflect on whether composing electronic vitriol is the most constructive use of your time. What are you really getting out of it?  More importantly, what are others getting out of it? This is why you have no friends. Dats da end, back to the review.

There's Someone In My Head But It's Not Me

INSIDE OUT is a Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a 12-year-old girl, who moves from Louieanderton, Minnesota to San Francisco. Which can take a toll one's mental health.  Upon arrival, little Riley developed paranoid schizophrenia. This girl goes from normal to Syd Barrett, practically overnight.  She hears all these voices: Joy, Sadness, Fear, and Anger.  And Riley plays with someone who doesn't actually exist, Bing Bong (more on Bing bong later).

There are one lie in the preceding paragraph.  I'll let you figure which one out on your own.

The Bing Bong Section

Saying, 'I can't believe that made that guy die', shouldn't count as a spoiler. There are 33 characters in this movie. That shouldn't narrow things down enough to justify a spoiler warning, but my coworkers disagree. Because once you start watching INSIDE OUT, and you know a character is going to die. It becomes painfully obvious which one gets it. Just like MARLEY AND ME, the most adorable character dies...Owen Wilson...I mean Marley (don't get mad, I already warned you about  spoilers). In this movie, you get so attached to this Bing Bong character. You like him the same way you like Buddy from ELF. Buddy was just pure goodness personified. So imagine if Buddy the Elf died, tragically, falling off Santa's sleigh or something (diabetes?). You'd cry yourself to sleep, and life would become a permanent state of misery. That's what Bing Bong's death did to me, it felt like part of me died as well. Yeah, that's right, this film is TURNER AND HOOCH-Level sad. Life would be so much easier if only human characters died in movies, but that life would be much less meaningful.

Final Verdict: 98.6 out of 100

Jurassic World

JURASSIC WORLD
PG-13
124 minutes
Director: Colin Trevorrow
Writers: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly, Michael Crichton
Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D’Onofrio, BD Wong, Judy Greer

CAST
Chris Pratt...Owen
Bryce Dallas Howard...Claire
Ty Simpkins...Gray
Judy Greer...Karen
Irrfan Khan...Simon Masrani
Vincent D'Onofrio...Hoskins

'DINO-MITE!'- JJ WALKER

Every young boy goes through a dinosaur phase. They'll devour anything with dinosaurs, and this includes that Whoopi Goldberg movie, with the crime solving T-Rex. But for some of us, that dinosaur phase never ends. As we grow up, we gradually learn when it is socially acceptable to talk about dinosaurs in adult conversation...which is never, unless you become a paleontologist, or a Jeff Goldblum impersonator. Both of which exclude people who aren't geniuses.

JURASSIC PARK set the standard for dinosaur movies. Which is both good and bad. The sequels were okay, but only for hardcore JP fanboys. Other dinosaur movies were mostly disappointing, with the exception of VIVA ROCK VEGAS. Luckily, basic cable has helped me get my fix. With programs like, WALKING WITH DINOSAURS, and DINOSAUR PLANET. Still, I was getting a little antsy, over the past few years it's felt like dinosaur programming has gone extinct. Luckily, JURASSIC WORLD came around to fill the Argentinosaurus-sized hole in my heart.

'YOU JUST WENT AND MADE A NEW DINOSAUR?'

I like the fact that there's a reasonable explanation for all the scientific inaccuracies. Like the lack of feathered creatures. Lab created, dinosaurs were not made from complete dinosaur genomes. So scientists had to insert missing pieces of Dino-DNA from modern animals, none of which were birds. Additionally, you may have noticed most of the dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous period, not the Jurassic. Realistically, the older, less evolved species couldn't peacefully, coexist with the Jurassic bad boys. But I'm cool with the deliberate, poetic license. Would you really want to watch a film called 'CRETACEOUS WORLD'?

JURASSIC WORLD does something completely different: create a completely new dinosaur. Dealing with a crazy Franken-Saurus is what this movie is all about. I guess GMOs really are bad for your health...does anyone else hear crickets chirping?

Vincent D’Onofrio is a tad one-dimensional in this film, but great nonetheless. He's the Wayne Knight of this JURASSIC WORLD. This corporate monster wants raptors to fight America's wars overseas; ironically, for 'fossil fuels'. I think any forthcoming sequel will involve dinosaurs fighting human wars...before turning on us. Altering dinosaur DNA to make them bulletproof? Absolutely nothing could go wrong.

GET READY FOR SOME T-REX KICKASSERY

First off, watch this movie...several times at an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses. Secondly, buy JURASSIC WORLD (Director's Cut) on Blu-ray. And lastly, replace your puny, 1080p flat screen, and upgrade to a 4K, 80-inch TV set. When you watch it, share the love. Pull the blinds up, and let young, impressionable children walking by see the magic of dinosaurs. Who knows, maybe one of those kids will become the next Steven Jay Gould.

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100

Love and Mercy

LOVE AND MERCY
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Bill Pohland
Writer: Oren Moverman

CAST                                                                John Cusack...Brain Wilson
Paul Dano...Brian Wilson
Elizabeth Banks...Melinda Ledbetter
Paul Giamatti...Dr. Eugene Landy

BRIAN WILSON: WEIRDO OR LUNATIC, A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS

When I think of the Beach Boys, I think of them doing that song for the PROBLEM CHILD soundtrack. You know, the one where John 'DUI' Stamos plays drums. But the Beach Boys cameo appearance on FULL HOUSE also comes to mind...no, wait...they where on there twice...no, thrice. First, as themselves, in BEACH BOY BINGO. Secondly, when Uncle Jesse got married. And lastly, as backup vocalists; when Jesse did a cover of the Beach Boys song, FOREVER (yes, that is a cover song... no, I don't know why Stamos can't write his own songs).

CHARACTERS AND ACTORS

Paul Giamatti really knows how to play a little shit...perfectly. Kind of like Jeremy Piven, except one of these guys is a legitimate actor, who didn't need bad hair plugs.

John Cusack played the older Brian Wilson, and Paul Dano played the younger version. This may not be much of a shocker, but the Paul Dano parts were better than the Cusack parts. But surprisingly, John Cusack was still tolerable. Because none of his films of the last 12 years haven't come close to the vicinity of tolerable.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED

I had many questions about the Beach Boys, before I saw the film. And some of those questions had answers, such as:

Did Mike Love always wear a hat?

Yes, but he didn't always wear a hat embroidered with 'The Beach Boys' on it.

Are the Beach Boys a good band?

From a technical standpoint, it's hard to argue the Beach Boys made bad songs. That said, for the most part, their music isn't for me. I do like a few of their songs. And for those of you that hate the Beach Boys, don't worry (baby), the soundtrack consists of more than Beach Boys songs.

Do I understand PET SOUNDS now?

No, I still don't understand PET SOUNDS. And now, I have even more questions about the album.

So John Cusack is appearing in movies with theatrical releases now?

Yes, and no. Yes, LOVE AND MERCY is ONE movie with a wide release. Movies, in the plural sense, means more than one. And I don't think we should be getting ahead of ourselves.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2
PG
94 Minutes
Director: Andy Fickman
Writers: Kevin James, Nick Bakay

CAST
Kevin James...Paul
Raini Rodriguez...Maya
Eduardo Verástegui...Eduardo Furtillo
Daniella Alonso...Divina
Neal McDonough...Vincent

'Take the money and run.'
-Steve Miller

Kevin James is at it again. No, they didn't reboot the ZOOKEEPER. This time, we get a sequel to the mall cop movie... no, the one without Seth Rogen (Seth's character is in jail for a very long time). I didn't really have a problem with the first PAUL BLART. Sure, it was dumb, but it had heart. It was a family film, but for what it was, it was fine. Now, this whole franchise feels like an adult version of HOME ALONE. One person, foiling the plans of incompetent criminals. And like HOME ALONE, we got a sequel that no one asked for.

This movie doesn't take place in a suburban, New Jersey mall. Now this time were in for a real treat. There's a security guard convention in Las Vegas. Doug...I mean Paul Blart has to prevent an evil crime lord (the villain from WALKING TALL) from stealing all the artwork at a hotel.

I always feel uncomfortable sitting in the movie theater, full of other people laughing...at things that aren't very funny. Is there any hope for humanity, if I to share the planet with these people. Forget I said that, I'm just being elitist.

Kevin James is not a completely inept comedian, or a comic actor. I kind of like his standup specials. And if I don't feel like thinking, I might turn on an episode of KING OF QUEENS. But this film is completely unacceptable. Yes, there were a few laughs and PAUL BLART 2, and I mean that literally, three laughs. I'd share them, but I don't want to spoil the movie for you.

Paul's mother gets hit by a milk truck, at the beginning. And this fact kind of gets glossed over, and made light of. I'm no prude, but getting killed by a milk truck isn't very funny. She should have gotten hit by an Oscar Myer Wiener Mobile...right in the keister. Now that's funny.

After the first movie, Kevin James lost a bit of weight. He hired a personal chef, and regularly drank kale smoothies for breakfast. So it looks like James had to gain about 50 pounds to play the role (rolls) again. Because a physically fit security guard is absolutely ludicrous. Risking your personal health for a mall cop movie is an interesting move. One day, Mr. James will find himself in a hospital bed after a heart attack, and he'll be glad he made PAUL BLART 2.

This film isn't completely irredeemable. There is a time and place to watch it. And that place is in prison, at Guantanamo Bay.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 10

Sidenote: Those dolphins on poster never actually appear in the movie

Get Hard

GET HARD (Mini-Review)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Etan Cohen
Writers: Ian Roberts, Jay Martel, Adam McKay

CAST
Will Ferrell...James King
Kevin Hart...Darnell
Tip 'T.I.' Harris...Russell
Alison Brie...Alissa
Craig T. Nelson...Martin

You Had Me At Craig T. Nelson

At first blush, get hard looks crass, sophomoric, and shamelessly offensive. And from the previews, and many reviews that's what I was expecting; something about as funny as BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE … PART THREE. Instead I found myself laughing at this multiple times. Kind of a similar phenomenon too that's my boy. Except the humor here is intelligent, and insightful. People don't understand the nuanced humor, and the social satire. This movie pokes fun and criticizes the American justice system. And it's done in a way that isn't too preachy.

Yes, there were bad innuendos, rape jokes, racial jokes, and walking jokes, such as Craig T Nelson . But even with all these handicaps, get hard gave me a raging…side ache, from all the laughing I was doing. I've never enjoyed a movie more that got an unjust (ironically) 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Final Verdict: 84 out of 100

Sidenote: No, the director's name is not a typo. The spelling of Etan Cohen's name is suspiciously close to another famous director. Essentially, I was fooled into seeing this movie. It all worked out though.

Do You Believe?

DO YOU BELIEVE
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Jon Gunn
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Ted McGinley, Mira Sorvino, Sean Astin, Alexa PenaVega

CAST

Mira Sorvino...Samantha
Sean Astin...Dr. Farell
Alexa PenaVega...Lacey
Delroy Lindo ...Malachi
Ted McGinley...Matthew
Andrea Logan White...Andrea

CHRISTMAS WITH A CAPITAL C

I had to see it for myself. Ted McGinley, starring in his own movie. Usually, he's the guy that shows up, right before a sitcom goes into the woods to die. Ted hasn't done his own movie since REVENGE OF THE NERDS. But was DO YOU BELIEVE better than REVENGE OF THE NERDS. No, but what movie is? Ted played the best, dooshy frat guy...ever, and I'm including Ryan Reynolds. Because this frat guy is really a self-hating nerd in denial; as we find out in the made-for-TV movie, REVENGE OF THE NERDS IV.

I could write a whole article on Ted McGinley. What can I say, he's a fascinating character. Ted did an adequate job on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, and that one episode of PERFECT STRANGERS (Larry's brother). But when you show up on HAPPY DAYS, after Ron Howard leaves, people aren't going to be too fond of you. Scott Baio likes him though; the day Ted showed up to the set, miraculously, people stopped picking on him.

And Another Thing

Why couldn't they get that dad from 7TH HEAVEN to play the pastor...what's that...pedophiles can't play pastors. Well I beg to differ.

Cut Them, Mash Them, Put Them In A Stew

Sean Astin has really fallen on hard times. In this movie, he plays a doctor who hates religious types (mostly Buddhists). That's his entire character. 'Doctoring' and killing the hopes of the faithful among us. Oh, and his attorney wife, she only cares about money. Well money, and the separation of church and state. That bitch!

Wasn't I Reviewing A Movie?

Not that long ago, one religious film was released a year...max. Before this film, there were six trailers for religious movies. DJ Tanner (from FULL HOUSE, not the disc jockey) is in one of these movies. Just look at the demon children Kirk Cameron has spawned. There is no stopping him. SAVING CHRISTMAS was the least successful, and the worst movie of 2014. Yet the American public is inundated with countless bad religious movies. Men who inspire this type of madness should be banished to the Island of Misfit Mascots.

Judgement Day

I was expecting to see something unapologetically bad. But aside from the Jesus stuff, most of the content was merely bland. Surprisingly, DO YOU BELIEVE is not the worst religious movie you're going to see. Sure it was preachy, but not too preachy. And there were interesting characters and situations, but there really wasn't enough suspense. While most of the characters lives were in serious peril throughout the picture. But you knew that most of the good ones would be okay. Only two of the twelve main characters died. A thug and an unwed teenage mother. I could've told you that without actually seeing the movie. Because after all, God created a just world.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Boy Next Door (Mini-Review)

THE BOY NEXT DOOR
R
91 Minutes
Director: Rob Cohen
Writer: Barbara Curry
Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, Kristin Chenoweth

CAST
Jennifer Lopez...Claire Peterson
Ryan Guzman...Noah Sandborn
Ian Nelson...Kevin Peterson
John Corbett...Garrett Peterson

J-LO has transitioned from sex symbol to MILF. She's still pretty hot, and not even just for someone her age, but I digress. In this film, she's an English teacher who slept with a third-year senior, which happens to be her next door neighbor. Kind of like that episode of DAWSON'S CREEK, with Joshua Jackson and the English teacher, back in 1998. At least that's what my sister told me...after reading my article on the DAWSON'S CREEK Wiki page.

There is nothing redeemable about this film. I know it seems impossible, but THE BOY NEXT DOOR is much worse than I anticipated. And because of the incredibly dark subject matter, I couldn't laugh at the cheesy dialogue. After some serious consideration, I decided that you shouldn't see THE BOY NEXT DOOR. He's only ten, and I can't condone child rape, especially when that boy is mentally challenged. Shame on you for considering such a horrific act. As for the movie, THE BOY NEXT DOOR, don't see that either. Not that you have the option of actually watching it. Yeah, good luck with that. I had to watch this thing in ten-minute installments, over the course of a month. If I had to rent this at one of those video stores that used to exist, I'd have to pay 90 dollars in late fees. But it would be worth it, because I could complain about it to a human being, nay, a video store clerk. Or at least scratch up the DVD, to keep others from making the same mistake I made. But now, in the year 2015, I have no recourse. All I can do is shake my fist and shout to the heavens, figuratively speaking, in blog form.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

The Kingsman

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
R
129 minutes
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writers: Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn, Mark Millar, Dave Gibbons

CAST
Colin Firth...Harry Hart
Samuel L. Jackson...Valentine
Taron Egerton...Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin

All The King's Horses And All The Kingsmen...

Gary, a guy in his early twenties, becomes a member of the Kingsmen. This organization is a very exclusive, private sector spy agency. With an arduous training program, full of unsavory, WASPY classmates. It's a familiar dynamic, like Brendan Fraser in SCHOOL TIES. Except Brendan Fraser was Jewish, not poor. But come on, that's almost as bad. All the class warfare is easy to dismiss in the States here, but that's a very real thing in British society. Just look at the blonde kid from Harry Potter. He spent every moment trying to antagonize that dorky kid with 'glasses', nay, the dorky kid with wire frames, those glasses he wore, they didn't have any lenses. It was all just an affectation. Which made me loathe this Harry Potter character. As a result, I was kind of rooting for the blonde kid in every HARRY POTTER film. Yes, he was a dick, but he was a righteous one at that.

This movie has a classic fantasy structure. A hero with a dead father, goes on an epic quest to save the world. But none of these familiar elements detract from the film itself. KINGSMAN is a very self-aware movie. The cliché elements are satirical. 

More On Harry Potter...

This picture doesn't have too many flaws . But it is a little too fantastical at times.   Like a HARRY POTTER movie, it takes place in the present day, but there's absolutely no grounding in reality. Don't get me wrong, this film is fun, but it all feels pointless.  That being said, the sharp, self-aware humor, and the tolerable, cartoonish violence helped me forget about the meaninglessness of it all.

Back To That Movie I Was Reviewing

THE KINGSMAN is worth seeing, but don't expect anything too deep. In the words of Bill Cosby, 'all you got to do is sit back and enjoy the ride'. For clarification, I'm not talking about the comedian, I'm referring to another Bill Cosby that I went to high school with. I think he was an (alleged) serial rapist.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100

Black or White

BLACK OR WHITE
PG-13
121 Minutes
Director: Mike Binder
Writer: Mike Binder
Kevin Costner, Bill Burr, Octavia Spencer

CAST
Kevin Costner...Elliot Anderson
Octavia Spencer...Rowena Jeffers
Jillian Estell...Eloise Anderson
Bill Burr...Rick Reynolds
Anthony Mackie...Jeremiah Jeffers

Jeremiah: Do you dislike black people?
Elliot: Not all of them.

Elliot Anderson, More Like Elliot Ness, Because Kevin Costner Was In That UNTOUCHABLES Film...Get It?

It's a rare treat, when you get an entire movie theater to yourself. Which got me thinking: is it still rude to use a smartphone if you're the only person in the theater? Kind of an interesting Zen quandary to ponder. Also, I loved yelling things at the screen like, 'quit drinking so much Kevin', and 'that's so racist'.

SWING VOTE was the last Kevin Costner film I saw voluntarily. So I noticed many interesting parallels between SWING VOTE and BLACK OR WHITE. First similarity, Kevin's character is an alcoholic. Second, his character is trying to raise a little girl on his own. Third, both feature absent mothers with drug problems. And lastly, these two films have black and white folks, not in the SCHINDLER'S LIST way either. I'm referring to race, not black and white film.

Costner's wife dies. Distraught with grief, Kevin stumbles through his days in a drunken stupor. Which is understandable. But it takes much more time than it should for him to sober up. Considering he's in the middle of a contentious custody battle.

Even with all its flaws, this movie has a strong conclusion. I'll give it that. And for a moment, I could see that Kevin Costner tried to make an honest statement on race relations in America. But his good intentions didn't make for a good movie. Things got crazy, and bizarre toward the end of the film. I love the knife fight/drowning of Kevin Costner scene. Ghost wife brought him up for air, or so it seemed. And the final custody hearing was straight out of an episode of NIGHT COURT. Many jokes were sprinkled throughout the court proceedings. Costner goes on a long diatribe about racial prejudice. The entire courtroom erupted in laughter, and applause. Gavel, gavel, order in the court...case dismissed. Elliot Ness gets custody. But it was all for nothing. Just outside the courtroom, the kid got hit by a car...just kidding. I really had you going there.

BLACK OR WHITE is superb. I like the part where Michael Jackson is on the Statue of Liberty. Oh, what's that? I'm thinking of a music video. Aahh geez, I hate when this happens. This is like BOYZ-N-THE-HOOD all over again; and to make things more confusing, both the movie, and the music video had Ice Cube.

In conclusion, if you want to see a film about race relations, I recommend watching PADDINGTON. The bear is brown, and the Brown (surname) family that he stays with is white. If the human race and the bear race can coexist peacefully. Then there is hope for everyone, even Kevin Costner. Additionally, Sally Hawkins is absolutely marvelous in everything she does.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

American Sniper

AMERICAN SNIPER
R
132 Minutes
Director: Clint Eastwood
Writers: Jason Hall, Chris Kyle, Scott McEwen, James Defelice
Bradley Cooper, Kyle Gallner, Ben Reed, Elise Robertson

CAST
Bradley Cooper...Chris Kyle
Ben Reed...Wayne Kyle
Elise Robertson...Debbie Kyle

Since childhood, Chris Kyle was a sniper of impeccable accuracy. So when September 11th hit, he knew it was time to put his talents to use. That's right, Chris Kyle is going with Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis to a Duck Hunt competition in California. They don't have a lot of money, so they have to hustle random strangers at convenience stores...that have Duck Hunt. I'm kidding though, AMERICAN SNIPER isn't that much fun. No this film is about a killer who hunts homeless people for sport.

The Reel Story

At the age of 30, Chris Kyle becomes a Navy Seal. He fights for our freedom, over in Iraq. From here, everything unfolds as you would expect. Except the ending, there isn't one.

I want to see a film where Chris Kyle goes all RAMBO on us. He'd be unstoppable, Brian Dennehy would go berserk. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about a live action movie version of the Atari game, BERSERK. Dennehy would dress up in a giant smiley face costume to play 'Evil Otto'. Oh, I got another one: Chris Kyle plays a pioneer in OREGON TRAIL...THE MOVIE. His character dies early on, because muskets aren't very accurate. Catching dysentery didn't help either. It severely weakens him, and he couldn't put up much of a fight when he got mauled by that pack of mutant timberwolves.

This movie isn't very good, and everyone is pretending it is. Am I the only one with the audacity to fuck with a navy seal. Just because a movie has a war hero, doesn't make it good. Remember that fake movie in the middle of INGLORIOUS BASTERDS...well ...it was actually pretty good, but that's the exception that proves the rule. I suppose Nazi propaganda is difficult to mess up.

Of this year's Oscar nominees, AMERICAN SNIPER is the worst. If there was a category for best sniper film, I'd give it to Wesley Snipes in EXPENDABLES 3, for his precision knife-throwing 'sniping'. AMERICAN SNIPER gets second prize in my category.

Should I (I Meaning You, The Reader) See This Film?

First, Iraq War veterans steer clear, you've seen this one already. Secondly, Bradley Cooper fans shouldn't see this. Unfortunately, in AMERICAN SNIPER he plays someone else who isn't Bradley Cooper. And lastly, if you like first-person shooters, visit a meadow somewhere, and put some AMERICAN SNIPER DVDs in a clay pigeon thrower. Grab your rifle, and shoot some DVDs. If you miss your target, no biggie, I'm sure one of those discs will kill a bird. Can't feel too bad about delicious collateral damage.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Taken 3

TAKEN 3
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Oliver Megaton
Writers: Lucy Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

CAST                                                   Liam Neeson...Bryan Mills Forrest Whitaker...Franck Dotzler Maggie Grace...Kim Mills Dougray Scott...Stuart St. John Dylan Bruno...Smith

The Russians Are Coming

To state the obvious cliché, good things really do come in threes. There are so many good ones, where do we start. THE GODFATHER, BACK TO THE FUTURE, and THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES come to mind. But regardless of quality, third films never do well. Probably because you can only find them at 7-11. Additionally, I think people recognize these movies for what they are: cash grabs.

TAKEN 3 is about Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who's framed for jaywalking...I mean murdering his ex-wife. I think this involves a life insurance scam by the ex-wife's new husband. Without his ex-wife's murder, I think it's safe to say Bryan would have rekindled his old marriage. Which is why this story is so tragic.

I'm surprised Liam Neeson signed on for this project. If my wife died, I wouldn't make movies that remind me of that fact...everyday, for six months. Neeson constantly makes movies to avoid his complex emotional issues. Since he probably has the last say on the final screenplay. Why the man would choose to torture himself is beyond me. Perhaps it's therapeutic in some way. Or maybe a producer is holding one of his real kids hostage, until Liam repays his gambling debts.

The daughter doesn't seem like she was kidnapped, or 'tooken', for very long. Also, toward the end of the film, a gun is held to her head, but that's it. She's pregnant, so I suppose the daughter is kidnapping her own child. Or maybe the wife got,kidnapped, before getting killed, but that's just wild speculation I don't know that it actually happened. We shouldn't have to get bogged down in semantics to understand a film.

Liam Neeson is a white, modern-day, Denzel Washington. Like EQUALIZER-BOOK OF ELI Denzel. He's capable of assassinating world leaders and/or foiling terrorist plots. But not without a Life Alert necklace. Because now he's an older, reluctant, all-around-badass. An action packed day, full of ass-kicking, now requires about a month of rest on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

If you haven't seen the first or second TAKEN installments, I recommend seeing TAKEN 3. If they are all the same movie anyway. I guess it doesn't matter which one you see. All of them are equally predictable and bland. I'm saying don't watch this movie, unless a loved one is kidnapped by Russian gangsters, and you lack the CIA know-how to get her back. But even then, TAKEN 3 is going to be the most strenuous homework assignment you're ever going to do.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Interview

THE INTERVIEW
R
112 Minutes
Director: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Dan Sterling, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

CAST James Franco...James Skylark Seth Rogen...Aaron Rapaport Lizzy Caplan...Agent Lacey Randall Park...President Kim

Blowing The Mind Of Kim Jung-un...Without A Chronic Sack

THE INTERVIEW has a simple plot. A tabloid journalist (Franco) scores an interview with Kim Jung-un, and he works with the CIA to kill this leader of North Korea. 

I don't know if James Franco plays a convincing Mario Lopez. Because we know he's a college professor in real life. And the  professor thing is just a side gig. It's like Louie Anderson playing Tracey Gold in FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

Seth Rogen is the producer of the tabloid show. He's the voice of reason in a clusterfuck of craziness. That is until he tried to put the moves on the hot chief of propaganda. That part is more boring than you think.

I don't want to look like a raving, fanatical  bureaucrat, but last time I checked, assassinating world leaders is illegal. And I have a hard time believing that the CIA would break international law, to stop a benevolent dictator from oppressing the people of North Korea. I'm docking points, because this assassination plot should be discussed with other members of the UN, before it gets bottled up in committee by a Russian delegate. 

If you haven't seen THE INTERVIEW yet,  shame on you. It's your patriotic duty to see this deeply flawed comedy. Best case scenario: after a bloody, HUNGER GAMES-style revolution, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes a beacon of democracy, and prosperity. Worst case scenario: thermonuclear war, leaving only teenage mutant ninja cockroaches to repopulate our planet. All because of an otherwise forgetful stoner comedy. THE INTERVIEW may not be a great film, but it's definitely an important one.  Fifty years from now, Seth Rogen's picture will be in kids history books, nay, history holographic readers, with scratch-and-sniff technology so powerful, your grandchildren will suffer irreversible brain damage from the contact high.

This movie suffers because the main character isn't very likable. I can't relate to third-world dictator. Kim Jung-un is a total buzzkill. But at least he speaks perfect English. It'd be a shame if I had to read subtitles, while I'm completely baked.

You should see THE INTERVIEW. Not now, of course. Wait for it on basic cable. Flip it on during the commercials, when your watching ROAD HOUSE on CMT for the twelfth time...this month. 

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.