Ghost Chase (Retro)

GHOST CHASE (1987)
89 Minutes
PG
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich , Thomas Kubisch
Stars: Jason Lively, Tim McDaniel, Jill Whitlow

Cast
Jason Lively…Warren McCloud
Tim McDaniel… Fred
Jill Whitlow…Laurie Sanders
Leonard Lansink…Karl
Paul Gleason…Stan Gordon
Unknown Voice Over Actor…Louis (Alien Butler)

So My Granfather’s Butler Is An Alien

Everything in this movie was so convoluted, where do I start?

Warren McCloud gets a grandfather clock after his rich grandfather dies. The details are sketchy, but I believe the grandfather committed a murders-suicide, and his buttler died in the same incident. A lot of money is hidden in the McCloud estate.

This grandfather clock contains the spirit of the butler. One night, when the clock rang 12, the butler comes back as a ghost, but not just any ghost, one that inhabits the body of an animatronic alien, movie prop. He’s knows of a large inheritance that is owed to the person he’s haunting.

The principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB plays the villain, Stan Gordon. I don’t know what motivates his behavior. This villain has one of his über-German cronies follow Warren and his friends. I think he wants the clock or something.

When I looked at the movie synopsis, I was under the impression the ghost would take over the body of a real alien. That’s something no one has done. Regardless of how good it was, I would still want to see a movie where an alien got possessed by a ghost, perhaps ALF. But a ghost inhabiting a doll, that is not interesting. That TED movie only worked because a ghost wasn’t involved.

While We’re On The Subject…

If I were a ghost, and got to inhabit a doll, I’d pick Teddy Ruxpin. I’d sound normal when a kid’s parents were around. Then, I don’t know…I’d have him run personal errands, and freak random people out. But I would only freak out crazy people. Because no one’s going to believe their story.

Questions

• Where did the alien butler find butler clothes in his size?


• How does the butler the reach the pedals when he drives a car?


• What’s this movie about?

On the surface this film looks derivative. Mostly because of the Yoda-ET-hybrid animatronic doll. But it’s not derivative. As a whole, this type of film has never been done before. And it should never be done again.

It looks like director, Roland Emmerich (INDEPENDENCE DAY, STARGATE), has a blemish, on an otherwise perfect cannon of studio art.

Ending On A Positive Note

That alien doll was kind of neat. I liked his accent, and overall personality. So in good conscience, I can’t possibly give this movie a zero.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: There is an uncut, PG-13 version of this film. It’s about 12 minutes longer. Be forwarned, this extra footage includes drinking, smoking, and profanity. It’s difficult to find this uncut movie, unless you want a German-dubbed, VHS copy.

Ernest Save Christmas (Retro)

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS (1988)(Retro)
PG
95 Minutes
Director: John R. Cherry III
Writers: Ed Turner, B. Kline
Jim Varney, Douglas Seale and Oliver Clark

Cast
Jim Varney     ...Ernest P. Worrell
Douglas Seale     ...Santa
Oliver Clark     ...Joe Carruthers

Well, there you go.
I messed things up, like always.
Only now, I messed up Christmas
for everybody. My favorite time of year,
and I blew it! -Ernest (Movie Dialogue)

The Importance of Being Ernest

After A CHRISTMAS STORY, and before HOME ALONE, we had ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS.

Culturally, 1988 was awful.  It was so awful, that ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS was not the worst movie to come out that year.

Ernest was a character invented by studio executives in the 80s. For those of my readers who don't remember the cultural phenomenon of 'Ernest'; shame on you, I'm embarrassed for the both of us. For those of you who have seen every 'Ernest' movie, stop reading my review, enough of your time has been wasted.

Varney's character was the personification, and embodiment of all 'THREE STOOGES'. The problem is, slapstick lost its appeal 50 years ago. Ernest is more slapdick comedy; the way he jerks us around, without arriving at any humorous climax.

Like 'Gallagher', There is no explaining why people liked him. Or how he hung around, just long enough, to permanently secure a spot on the Parthenon of American pop culture.

With ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS, Ernest impersonates a variety of characters, with stunning accuracy.  Lawyer, snake caretaker, elderly woman, and actor. And so it seems, Dana Carvey, the 'Master of Disguise, doesn't have a monopoly on impersonating multiple characters in the same film.

Jim Varney spent a large part of his life  portraying 'Ernest', before moving on as a distinguished thespian in the Royal Shakespeare Company.  That last part was a mistake. I was confusing Jim Varney with Ian McKellen...again. Sincerest apologies.

Truthfully, as far as his legacy is concerned, Varney probably wants to be  remembered for his later voiceover work, as well as that bizarre cameo on the last season of ROSEANNE, but not as some yokel in a denim vest. Unfortunately, there is no reversing the damage already done.

Not everything is wrong with this movie. Young children might like it, I know I loved it, that is, before knowing any better. On a positive note, Douglas Seale does give us the best depiction of Santa in cinematic history. It's just a shame, he had to be in such a poor movie.

Final Verdict: 10 out 100

Sidenote:  The Ernest thing isn't done yet, check out this story: Ernest Gets a Reboot with Son of Ernest. End this madness, now, please, let's not corrupt another generation of America. We need people to collect my bed pans, when I'm at a nursing home.

21 Jump Street

21 JUMP STREET
R
109 Minutes
Directors: Phil Lord, Chris Miller Writers: Michael Bacall (screenplay), Michael Bacall (story), Jonah Hill
Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube

This may be hard to believe, but I watched a lot of TV as a young kid. 21 Jump Street just wasn't on my radar, probably because it wasn't a cartoon, and it didn't have a laugh track. It’s the show that launched Johnny Depp's career, he departed after a few seasons to make Edward Scissorhands (1990).

21 Jump Street doesn't take it self too seriously. Almost like a movie Judd Apatow would make. This film is completely unoriginal, but in a good way. A celebration of cheesy clichés. Which includes a one-dimensional, multicultural criminal syndicate.

2005 was a much simpler time. The only means of communication kids had were: email, text messaging, instant messaging, MySpace, analog paper notes, Morse Code, and soup cans. Schmidt and Jenko went to the same high school, seven years ago. Schmidt was a dork in high school, and the other guy was a football star. Things are different this time around. Schmidt becomes popular, and it really gets to his head.

Ice cube plays the police captain Captian Tennill Dickson; which is like Ron Jeremy teaching sex-ed at an all-girls Catholic school.

Their assignment: to infiltrate a high school, and arrest young girls that would be involved in statutory rape. But really, they need to find the source of a deadly, new synthetic drug. A drug that makes you see the color of time.

There’s a bitchin' party at the parents house. They buy a couple kegs, and steal drugs from the evidence locker back at the station. You can guess what happens here. The parents come back early from vacation. Schmidt becomes the coolest mac-daddy at school.

Glory days, glory daze

It's your typical high school revenge fantasy: shooting classmates...on film...in a pretend movie. This is the real revenge of the nerds.

Look at that Andrea character on 90210. She was well into her 30s; I thought she was a member of the faculty…that was going to retire soon.

'Going back to high school' movies are a close cousin of the body-switching movies. High school movies, of any kind are never about people in high school. There a product of a youth obsessed culture. Involving the high school world of geeks and jocks; that only exists in movies. If they aren't cops, then they're magazine writers for the Chicago Sun-Times.

Comedies are only meant to 90 minutes long. About 10 or 15 minutes worth of content should have been cut. I do like the surprise ending, like Steven Seagal in The Onion Movie (2008) as the 'crotch puncher'.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100