Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Ghost Chase (Retro)

GHOST CHASE (1987)
89 Minutes
PG
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich , Thomas Kubisch
Stars: Jason Lively, Tim McDaniel, Jill Whitlow

Cast
Jason Lively…Warren McCloud
Tim McDaniel… Fred
Jill Whitlow…Laurie Sanders
Leonard Lansink…Karl
Paul Gleason…Stan Gordon
Unknown Voice Over Actor…Louis (Alien Butler)

So My Granfather’s Butler Is An Alien

Everything in this movie was so convoluted, where do I start?

Warren McCloud gets a grandfather clock after his rich grandfather dies. The details are sketchy, but I believe the grandfather committed a murders-suicide, and his buttler died in the same incident. A lot of money is hidden in the McCloud estate.

This grandfather clock contains the spirit of the butler. One night, when the clock rang 12, the butler comes back as a ghost, but not just any ghost, one that inhabits the body of an animatronic alien, movie prop. He’s knows of a large inheritance that is owed to the person he’s haunting.

The principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB plays the villain, Stan Gordon. I don’t know what motivates his behavior. This villain has one of his über-German cronies follow Warren and his friends. I think he wants the clock or something.

When I looked at the movie synopsis, I was under the impression the ghost would take over the body of a real alien. That’s something no one has done. Regardless of how good it was, I would still want to see a movie where an alien got possessed by a ghost, perhaps ALF. But a ghost inhabiting a doll, that is not interesting. That TED movie only worked because a ghost wasn’t involved.

While We’re On The Subject…

If I were a ghost, and got to inhabit a doll, I’d pick Teddy Ruxpin. I’d sound normal when a kid’s parents were around. Then, I don’t know…I’d have him run personal errands, and freak random people out. But I would only freak out crazy people. Because no one’s going to believe their story.

Questions

• Where did the alien butler find butler clothes in his size?


• How does the butler the reach the pedals when he drives a car?


• What’s this movie about?

On the surface this film looks derivative. Mostly because of the Yoda-ET-hybrid animatronic doll. But it’s not derivative. As a whole, this type of film has never been done before. And it should never be done again.

It looks like director, Roland Emmerich (INDEPENDENCE DAY, STARGATE), has a blemish, on an otherwise perfect cannon of studio art.

Ending On A Positive Note

That alien doll was kind of neat. I liked his accent, and overall personality. So in good conscience, I can’t possibly give this movie a zero.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: There is an uncut, PG-13 version of this film. It’s about 12 minutes longer. Be forwarned, this extra footage includes drinking, smoking, and profanity. It’s difficult to find this uncut movie, unless you want a German-dubbed, VHS copy.

License To Drive (Retro)

LICENSE TO DRIVE (1988)
88 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Greg Beeman
Writer: Neil Tolkin
Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Carol Kane

Cast
Corey Feldman…Dean
Corey Haim…Les Anderson
Carol Kane…Mrs. Anderson
Richard Masur…Mr. Anderson
Heather Graham… Mercedes

Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I’ll love you
-The Beatles, DRIVE MY CAR

Celebrity in Profile: Corey Haim
This is the first of a 12 part series on Corey Haim. First, DEMOLITION HIGH (1996), co-starring Alan Thicke. And second, ME, MYSELF AND I (1989), a day-in-the-life movie, where all he does is practice basketball, hockey, and baseball…while looking awesome.  I’m only kidding, not about those titles, those do actually exist, but I can’t watch 12 Corey Haim films. One will suffice.

1988 was a hell of a year. Rick Astley released TOGETHER FORVER.  Reagan was showing early symptoms of Alzheimer’s in his last year of office. Dukakis had the tank thing.  And I almost forgot: LICENSE TO DRIVE was released. I chose to review this movie, because career-wise, and life-wise, this is when the Coreys reached their peak.

The movie poster looks cool with its Cruisin’ USA graphics, and the sunglasses.  But does it win the race? At the track, it starts out in pole position. As a relatively entertaining,  adolescent fantasy: like being left home alone, or hitchhiking to get to a Super Mario Brothers competition. But on the last stretch of the race, this vehicle plows into a farmer’s market, full of make-a-wish children.

Corey #2 fails his driving test, the only problem is he already told Heather Graham they were going out this weekend. And she’s like the hottest girl at school. His only option is to lie about passing the driving exam. From there, he’ll go joyriding in the family car. All without his folks noticing anything’s amiss. Disregard that she’s only trying to make her ex jealous. Also, I should note that there is no way this Les character will get beyond his one pity date, at least not with the car he has now.
 
I have a soft spot in my heart for a kid like this.  I failed my driving test three times. After the third fail, I don’t know what happened, some say a DOL employee’s heart grew three sizes that day, to that of half of a human, and on my fourth attempt, they gave me that easiest test administrator in the state. I didn’t just pass, I received a 92.

Favorite Scene:
Corey Feldman taking booby Polaroids of a passed out, drunk girl in the back seat of a Cadillac. She’s placed in the trunk, moments later.
 
The film you describe sounds cool. But I don’t want to hear any Billy Ocean songs. What should I do?

After watching the trailer, you may wonder how to avoid hearing Billy Ocean’s GET INTO MY CAR. But don’t fret, just follow my instructions. In the DVD setup menu, hit languages, then hit Spanish. As it turns out, the Spanish dub has a completely different soundtrack. But this will only work if you understand Spanish.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 1000
No, that was a typo. Still, it’s really bad.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Paranoid

PARANOIA
PG-13
104 Minutes
Director: Robert Luketic
Writers: Jason Dean Hall, Barry Levy

Cast
Liam Hemsworth...Adam Cassidy
Gary Oldman...Nicolas Wyatt
Harrison Ford...Jock Goddard
Amber Heard...Emma Jennings

'Someone is always listening.'
-Movie Dialogue

I was going to review FROZEN GROUND, but I'm having a little writer's block with the Nick Cage jokes. So I'm leaving him out of this week's review. Ladies and Gentleman, make note of this historic event, because it's about as rare as a total lunar eclipse: for one week, a film Nick Cage is in isn't the worst thing playing at the box office.

Interview With The Vampire

Nicolas Wyatt blackmails Adam, an employee of his, to infiltrate a rival cell phone company, and steal their secrets. After getting hired by the rival, Adam has a tough time maintaining the professional façade, and I hope I'm not spoiling anything here, but he becomes a little paranoid. Well, more than just a little, like Art Bell-Tin Foil-Hat paranoid.

Ten minutes into the movie, these are my predictions:

• Things don't go as planned.


• Princeton girl will betray him. Those two are fucking.


• Adam's fake new employer is going to double cross him, as well as his real current employer. Nonetheless, Adam will get his revenge on the double crossers.


• The feds will get involved, but we won't know that untill the end.


• They knew everything...the whole time.


• This movie is going to rock.

Most of my predictions were correct:

• Nothing went as planned, everything went horribly wrong.


• That Princeton girl betrayed him. And those two are definitely fucking. They're soul mates, that will end up getting married.


• Adam's employers double crossed him, but he had the last laugh.


• The feds got involved, but it was more toward the middle of the movie.


• Everyone knew everything, the entire time. Adam should have taken some precautions. If I were him, I'd communicate with handwritten notes and carrier pigeons, and I'd have armoured pigeons to prevent anything from being intercepted. Despite being completely predictable, this movie did not rock. I'll elaborate on that in the last couple paragraphs.

What Didn't Rock

Harrison Ford doesn't play bad guys. All of his characters maintain a high level of self-righteous indignation. To avoid confusion, he shaves his head for this role. So we know he's evil. Just look at Lex Luther, Dr. Evil, and Billy Corgan. You know for a fact that all of these men would kill you in your sleep, if you meddled with their plans of world domination.

This film does everything wrong. The only cliché PARANOID avoids is about not dipping your pen in the company ink. There's also unnecessary characters, plot holes, and an overall lack of character development. Also, with a movie this bad, would it be so hard to Michael Bay it up a bit, with some special effects? I don't want it to be so boring that I fall asleep and wake up in the middle the next showing, that's too cruel.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Kick-Ass 2

KICK-ASS 2
R
103 Minutes
Director: Jeff Wadlow
Writers: Jeff Wadlow, Mark Millar, John Romita Jr.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

…if you need a motherfucker I ain’t hard to find -Big Syke, I AIN’T HARD TO FIND (2PAC)

Cast
Aaron Taylor-Johnson… Kick-Ass
Chloë Grace Moretz …Hit-Girl
Christopher Mintz-Plasse…The Motherfucker
Augustus Prew…Ass
Jim Carrey… Colonel Stars and Stripes

This KICK-ASS 2 project failed from the very beginning. Because they broke the first rule of movie making: don’t call a movie KICK ASS, without Nicholas Cage. I can’t stress this enough; the man desperately needs the money. Just assign him a part, he’ll stay out of the way. Most of the cast members are adults now, so there won’t be a repeat of KICK ASS (1).

Introducing all the characters is the most lengthy, and tiresome part of super hero movies. There aren’t any new characters in KICK ASS 2. You know what that means? More ass kicking time.

I thought the first one was too violent. But I think fewer people die in this one. But who’s counting? It’s like saying INGLOURIOUS BASTERDSwas more violent than DJANGO UNCHAINED.

This movie is not grounded in reality. In high school, pale, scrawny guys, with glasses never have super hot girlfriends. And people usually feel bad when they kill others.

By far, the Mindy subplot is the most interesting part of the KICK-ASS 2. Mindy ‘The Hit-Girl’ Hart stops being a superhero for good, and becomes a popular cheerleader. But things aren’t what they seem. She becomes a victim of a CARRIE-like assault by her peers. Don’t worry, she shows them a lesson, oh yes, with a contraption that makes people barf and gives them diarrhea.

‘I don’t want to win, I just want to make the world a better place.’

I don’t get why there is a superhero named ‘Ass’. First, the name isn’t very flattering. And second, the name is confusing. Calling him a ‘pompous ass’ wouldn’t be an insult to him, specifically, but it is insulting to anyone else.

There was a Woody Allen-looking guy. I don’t know what his super power was, but I think it involves seducing adopted Chinese daughters.

Jim Carey convincingly played a different kind of guy. ‘Chip Hazard’, from SMALL SOLDIERS. This Colonel Stars and Stripes is crazy. You can see it, there is one specific moment in which he really loses his head.

The funeral scene, that’s where this movie goes from bad, to truly awful. Why did so many people need to be murdered at a funeral? Eventually, the graveyard battle moves to the freeway. It’s funny how this gun battle doesn’t seem to impede traffic in the slightest. This is the point, where I’m thinking that taking my six-year old nephew to see this was a bad idea.

Maybe I’m a little old-fashioned, being shocked by the level of realistic violence. Sometimes, I like gratuitous violence, especially when it’s directed at innocent women and children. But here, there is just a purposelessness to it all that keeps me from being entertained.

So in summary: I can’t accuse anyone of false advertising, many people get their asses kicked in this movie…And there’s a guy named Kick-Ass. So it kind of works on two levels.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Grown Ups 2

GROWN UPS II
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Dennis Dugan
Writers: Fred Wolf, Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Kurt McKenzie

Cast
Adam Sandler…Lenny Feder
Salma Hayek…Roxanne Chase-Feder
Kevin James…Eric Lamonsoff
Chris Rock…Kurt McKenzie

The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
And we’ll be better
The second time around
STEP BY STEP (THEME SONG)

BILLY MADISON PART VII

Walking into this, I knew, the second movie would be better than the first GROWN UPS. Because movie ratings don’t go less than zero.

GROWN UPS (1) made so much money,  Adam Sandler gave Maseratis to the main cast members, and he still had enough money left over to make a sequel.

BEDTIME STORIES

The main plot, from what I could tell. The old guys, and a local fraternity are at war. Over a swimming quarry, and who it belongs to. The Alpha Betas are the whitest, waspiest, college guys ever.  And the grand finale involves a battle between the two groups.

Nick Swardson, star of the worst movie ever made, BUCKY LARSON, replaces, Rob Schneider in GROWN UPS II. He plays a burnout bus driver (think ‘Auto’ from THE SIMPSONS) with complete perfection.

Let’s move on to a man who’s made the second worst movie of all time. Former NBA baller, and basketball player, Shaquille ‘The Shamrock’ O’Neil. In Miami, he’s banned from lawn enforcement, not for making KAZAAM, but for using foul language in a freestyle rap…while drunk at a concert. Which is interesting, since  the ‘man of steel’ released five profanity-laced, studio albums before becoming a police officer. Anyway, the rap was about Kobe.  O’Neil should get a free pass; or does the Miami Beach Sheriff think that raping hotel employees is cool? But I digress. O’Neil’s desire to implement the law is still intact. In GROWN UPS II, he plays a cop, who isn’t too keen on law and order. Shaq is kind of funny in this role,  which is more than I can say about most of the cast.

The blonde kid from HARRY POTTER is at it again. Here, he  runs a summer camp for special needs kids…No, I’m joking, he’s playing a dooshy frat guy. And that’s the type of guy he will play, forever. That is, unless Macaulay Culkin dies during the filming of HOME ALONE 10: LOST IN THE NURSING HOME. In which case, he would make a suitable replacement.

GROWN UPS DRIVER

‘We’re irrelevant, we’re losers. You saw the way those frat guys treated us.’

What’s most upsetting is the waste of comedic talent. Except for David Spade, all these comedians are capable of much more, hilarity.

Now we get a second movie that no one asked for. No wait, that’s wrong, many people wanted this sequel. Not me though, I thought  a sub-par sequel might tarnish the legacy of the GROWN UPS franchise. But I was wrong: GROWN UPS II surpassed my expectations.

Final Verdict: 28 out of 100
Sidenote: Stayed tuned for a retro review of BLIND FURY.

The Ringer (Retro)

THE RINGER (2005)
PG-13
94 minutes 
Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Johnny Knoxville, Brian Cox, Katherine Heigl

Cast
Johnny Knoxville ... Steve Barker
Brian Cox...Gary Barker
Katherine Heigl...Lynn Sheridan
Jed Rees...Glen

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on.
THE BEATLES, LIFE GOES ON (THEME)

As a tenth-grader, in my English class, we had a short written assignment, answering a question: Do you think saying 'that's retarded' is offensive,  and why? My response, no, I don't think retards are capable of being offended. In retrospect, I recognize how hilarious, and insensitive my remarks were. Maybe I was just releasing pent-up rage, because that kid in middle school called me 'Special Ed'.

I saw this at a theatre,  but recently, THE RINGER aired on Comedy Central. It was something I had completely forgot about. After my second viewing" I realized that  I have to criticize this film now, before people forget about it altogether.  Kind of like the Nuremberg trials.

Johnny Knoxville hasn't declared himself a serious actor, by words or action. So I can't judge him on the same scale as Sean Penn. Of all the MTV actors, Johnny Knoxville has fared better than everyone. Except, well... no, Pauly Shore doesn't count as human being. Knoxville has a couple of things going for him. One, when you squint, he looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Two, if he ever puts on weight, he'd be indistinguishable from Jim Brewer. THE RINGER isn't Knoxville's worst movie. That award goes to GRAND THEFT PARSONS (2004).  But this might be his most memorable role.

There are many problems with THE RINGER. I can't list all of them, this is an article, not the ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. I  am going to examine a few of these problems though.

• The premise isn't plausible. You would need a doctor's help to fake any sort of mental handicap.

• The pretty, blonde Special Olympics coördinator has a dooshy, cliché boyfriend. You know he's bad news, because he pushes kids off the monkey bars at the park, while laughing maniacally.  In the middle of the movie, this guy gets caught making out with a hostess from Applebee's. It just doesn't add up. Why would a 'bad guy' cheat on his girlfriend?

• I don't think a bookie would take bets on the Special Olympics.  Not because it's immoral, or unethical. Mostly, because the competition might easily be fixed.

The Finish Line

To be fair, THE RINGER accurately depicts mentally handicapped people. With one big exception: 'Jeffey Dahmer'. But if you really want to watch a grown man go 'full-on retard' for two hours,  CORKY ROMANO would be a better option.

Final Verdict: 21 out of 100

The Call

THE CALL
R
94 Minutes
Director: Brad Anderson
Writers: Richard D’Ovidio, Nicole D’Ovidio, Jon Bokenkamp
Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin, Morris Chestnut

CAST
Halle Berry…Jordan Turner
Abigail Breslin…Casey Welson
Morris Chestnut…Paul Phillips
Michael Eklund…Michael Foster
David Otunga…Officer Jake Devans

So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown
-PUBLIC ENEMY, 911 IS A JOKE (1990)

I'm going back in time to a few months ago. Like most people, I don't remember when THE CALL was out in theatres. But this film is one of Roger Ebert's last reviews. I'd be doing him a disservice, if I didn't drop a dime, and give you a ruthlessly, accurate critique of THE CALL.

Jordan Turner works at a 911 call center. During one call, she fails to keep a girl from getting murdered.She blames herself for the death, and can't seem to move past it. Jordan can't fix the past, and this becomes all too clear when one girl gets abducted.

In my opinion, the girl got herself into this mess, with that tight, revealing dress, she should figure this mess out on her own, without getting 911 involved.

A blonde, teenage girl calls 911 from the trunk of a Camry, history repeats itself. Jordan is already familiar with man who abducted this girl. He got away with murder once. Now the tables are turned, and we're left with a hair-raising tale of retribution.

The abductor is Michael Lewis Foster, a 36 year-old man who loves bad 80s pop. He's like the creepy guy who kidnapped the bear in TED.

This film's (main) weakness is its lack of plausibility.

The cops in California, are at every freeway exit, handing chicken-shit tickets out to ordinary citizens. The abductor shouldn't be so hard to track down.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I've never seen an all black police department. But there is something inherently racist about a black police department being completely inept in a film.

911 Please Someone Help Me

The way Halle Berry's character reacted to screwing up is realistic, I'll give them that. Anyone who saves lives for a living, will screw up eventually. Like with me, I'm sure I've caused many heart attacks, with my insightful prose. That's a huge burden to live with. Nonetheless, I wake up, each day, courageously, doing the only thing I know how, regardless of how many people I may hurt in the process.

The actor, Micheal Imperiola, or as he is more commonly known, the guy with the nose from THE SOPRANOS'. He's taking a break from the Tequila commercials. In this movie, he plays a legitimate businessman...'s chauffeur.

Halle Berry; she's a female Matthew McConaughey. And by that, I mean, people only see her movies because of her top-notch, set of perky...acting chops. In THE CALL she bravely dons a 'Whitney Houston...past her prime' hairdo. It speaks volumes on where she is and where her career is going.

It's Dunn

This quality picture is produced by World Wrestling Entertainment Studios. Honestly, I'd expect more from them. Vince McMahon—have you no shame?

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Hangover III

THE HANGOVER III
R
100 Minutes
Director: Todd Philpps
Writers: Todd Phillips, Craig Mazin, Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis

CAST
Bradley Cooper … Phil
Ed Helms … Stu
Zach Galifianakis … Alan
Ken Jeong … Mr. Chow
John Goodman … Marshall
Melissa McCarthy…Cassie

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty: Oh! They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house. I’m not made of stone!- THE SIMPSONS, Episode 8F24

Be forewarned: This review has many spoilers. Although, I don’t know if spoil is the right word.  Can you  spoil an egg salad sandwich that’s been sitting inside a crawl space for two weeks?

The second film was so bad.  And like number two, all the laughs are in the first twenty minutes. I do like that this franchise is over. At least I hope so.  

Alan buys a giraffe. When he’s on the freeway, the animal gets decapitated. Creating  a major traffic pileup. His dad dies from all the stress.

Friends stage an intervention for Allen.  On the way to the treatment facility, Doug is kidnapped. Doug? Do you even remember what he looks like? I have no emotional attachment to this interchangeable, ‘White Doug’ character. Doug got married in the first HANGOVER, but he was largely unseen for most of that film.

Like those folks in CITY SLICKERS II.  John Goodman, and ‘Black Doug’ want their missing gold. And Mr Chow, that irritating guy from the first two movies, he has the gold.

The third instalment was better than the second HANGOVER. I’ll give them that. The three films don’t form a cohesive whole. .This was a BACK TO THE FUTURE-type trilogy, not a preplanned LORD OF THE RINGS one.

The film closes when Alan falls in love with Cassie, a pawn shop broker in Las Vagas. She is a character, as you might imagine. At this point, I thought, this movie was awful, but at least they’re leaving it off on a positive note. But right before the credits roll, Ed Helms walks out with a boob job.

HANGOVER III is a misleading title. Like with the show GOOD TIMES. There were no good times to be had on that TV program. I had a ‘good time’ laughing at their misery, but that’s beside the point.  But in this film, no one did any serious drinking, or made any bad decisions under the influence of alcohol. The characters were in real danger. But nobody had any fun in the process, and that’s where this movie fails, its lack of fun. Appropriately enough, I did enjoy it as much as a real hangover.

Final Verdict: 42 out of 100

Fast & Furious 6

FAST & FURIOUS 6
PG-13
130 minutes
Director: Justin Lin
Writers: Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson (characters)
Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang

CAST
Dwanye Johnson…Hobbs  
Dominic Toretto…Vin Diesel
Brian O’Conner..Paul Walker
Michelle Rodriguez…Letty
Tyrese Gibson…Roman
Sung Kang… Han
Ludacris … Tej
Luke Evans… Shaw

‘I’m a little disappointed in the ass level of this movie. Me and Luda, specifically, are into way more voluptuous…round…not just a butt, were talking boboli’. –Tyrese Gibson (Interview, Jake the Movie Guy interview on YouTube…off the cuff…taken completely out of context)

Apart from LEONARD 6, in film franchises, the sixth movie usually isn’t very good. DEATH WISH 6 got made, but it was never released. As it turns out, no one wanted to see an 87-year old, Chuck Branson lie in a hospital bed for two hours. The DEATH WISH series isn’t about assisted suicide.

After barely escaping a car explosion, Letty develops amnesia. And now she is fighting for the bad guys, like Anakin Skywalker in STAR WARS.  This is OVERBOARD-style, she’s Goldie Hawn, and the Pierce Brosnan-sounding, villain is Kurt Russell. On a positive note, having amnesia means she doesn’t remember the first five ‘FAST AND FURIOUS’ movies.

I’d like to think, eventually, we’ll get to the point where we can create realistic avatars of ageing action stars, like they did with John Wayne in those beer commercials. They could make many people look less pathetic.

In my FAST FIVE review, I said Vin Diesel had Down Syndrome. It was completely out of line, it’s something I regret saying. Because that just makes people with Down syndrome look bad.

The white t-shirt and jeans look has never suited Dominic Toretto. A character like that, needs to wear a button-down shirt with flames on it.  Vin Diesel, that’s probably not his real name. I think he changed it, proactively, so he could appear in the perfect car movie. And when that didn’t pan out. He starred in THE FAST & FURIOUS. His scenes were priceless. Especially, when he’s talking to Michelle Rodriguez about the love they once shared. It makes you wonder whether she’s faking the amnesia to get out of the relationship.

‘Ride or Die’

FAST 6 is as close to perfection as it gets. I do have some minor complaints though. There weren’t enough explosions, suped-up Chargers, or chunks of bad dialogue.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Sidenote: Fast 7 is on the way. Brace yourself.

The Big Wedding

THE BIG WEDDING
R
89 Minutes
Director: Justin Zackham
Writers: Justin Zackham, Jean-Stéphane Bron, Karine Sudan
Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton

CAST
Robert De Niro … Don
Katherine Heigl … Lyla
Diane Keaton … Ellie
Topher Grace … Jared
Susan Sarandon … Bebe

‘For the next three days you and I are married…’

Don and Ellie are happily divorced, for several years now. But they will become fake married for a few days. Because the conservative, biological mother from Columbia (the country-not the college) is stopping by to make sure things are kosher. More on her in the next paragraph.

The groom grew up with adopted parents. Then, out of nowhere, his biological mother comes to see his wedding. She the abandoned him as an infant. But suddenly, her opinion matters?

With Such A Simple Premise, What Could Go Wrong?

I’m not Jonathan Edwards,but I think Don and Ellie will fall in love again, briefly, before realizing they are wrong for each other.

The plot is closely related to an old sitcom cliché. The father is looking to get a promotion, so he invites the boss over for dinner, and everything must go right or else…I don’t know, he’s fired, or he never gets promoted to lieutenant. But nothing goes right. The wife is a lousy chef, and one of the kids burns the kitchen down.

These Characters Seem Familiar

Topher Grace acts exactly, like Eric Foreman in THAT 70s SHOW.

Susan Sarandon plays Don’s serious long-term girlfriend. She gives us an encore of the terminally ill wife role she played in STEPMOM.

Robert De Niro, you might know him as the creator of the prestigious, Tribeca film festival. In this, and many other of his recent films, he plays his character from MEET THE PARENTS.

For someone who has stolen so many stand-up routines on clergyman. Robin Williams gives an overly restrained performance as a Catholic priest. We don’t even get ‘PATCH ADAMS’ Robin Williams.

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Before really tackling challenging projects, these Oscar winners want to hang out with their friends and slack off a bit. The movie making process is merely incidental to their vacation and/or poker tournament. THE BIG WEDDING is just an Adam Sandler flick with an A-List actors.

After cheating on her, with his ex-wife, Don proposes to BeBe. And they get married in the middle of the daughter’s wedding ceremony. I’ve never seen marital infidelity forgiven so quickly. But you to have end this movie, and the sooner the better.

The year is young, but I think it’s safe to say Tyler Perry didn’t create the worst movie this year. The BIG WEDDING IS so crass, and filthy; it would make Redd Foxx blush, and vomit at the same time. It unfolds like a sequel to AMERICAN PIE. The only difference is you don’t want to see any of these people naked.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Filly Brown

FILLY BROWN
R
120 Minutes
Directors: Youssef Delara, Michael D. Olmos
Writer: Youssef Delara
Gina Rodriguez, Jenni Rivera, Lou Diamond Phillips

CAST
Gina Rodriguez … Majo Tonorio
Jenni Rivera … Maria Tonorio
Lou Diamond Phillips … Jose Tonorio
Edward James Olmos … Leandro
Noah Gugliemi…Big Cee

‘As a matter of fact dawg, here’s a pencil, go home, write some shit, make it suspenseful; and don’t come back ’til somethin’ dope hits you. Fuck it, you can take the mic home wit’ you.’ -B. Rabbit, 8 MILE (2002)

Because I’m studying Spanish, I find myself watching a lot of really bad Univision programming. Back in December Jenni Rivera died in a plane crash. She was such an icon in the Latin community, that they’re talking about her all these months later. Unfortunately, this was one of her last projects. In a couple of years, everyone will forget this FILLY BROWN film was ever made. It’s similar to Aaliyah and QUEEN OF THE DAMNED.

Considering Lou Diamond Phillips played Ritchie Valens in LA BAMBA. It’s an eerie coincidence he stars in this movie. Because here, his fictional wife died in a real plane crash.

Does a movie still play when no one’s around to see it? Yes, I walked into this two minutes late. And because no one was around; I received many strange looks from theater employees. And it wasn’t because I was jerking off during the movie.

I think what they were going for a female, 8 MILE, with a younger version of Michelle Rodriguez.

‘Filly Brown’ is a young, aspiring, urban poet. She auditioned for Fat Joe’s ‘Terror Squad’. Later on, she becomes disheartened by the rejection letter she received in the mail.

But she’s not going to let an overweight rapper crush her dreams. She’s doing this rap thing on her own.

Filly Brown…More Like Filly Shit

Big Cee is a big-shot record producer. A Latino, Suge Knight, except, not as nice. He’s making ‘Filly’ turn into something she’s not. A good rapper.

Her sensitive male friend, delegates himself in charge of keeping it real. Surprisingly, he’s not happy with this the new Motown ‘Filly’. She turned into Eazy-E: a ‘studio gangsta’…with AIDS.

If we can learn anything from Kid ‘n Play; it’s that bad rapping doesn’t go with a bad movie. If you’re looking for bad rapping, and a tolerable film. I suggest watching I’M STILL HERE, or MALIBU’S MOST WANTED.

What Ever Happened To Predictability?

At one point, it seemed like this movie was coming to a close. It felt like an ending you’d see on FULL HOUSE. They had the serious father-daughter conversation: where an issue gets resolved or someone learns a lesson. From there, they cue up the dramatic music. Soon as you’re expecting to hear ‘I love you Dad’. The very emotional rapping starts. Overcome with tears, ‘Filly’ couldn’t finish the lyrics she had written. End scene.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

A Good Day To Die Hard

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
97 Minutes
R
Director: John Moore
Writers: Skip Woods, Roderick Thorp
Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Cast
Bruce Willis–John McClane
Jai Courtney–Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch–Komarov
Mary Elizabeth Winstead–Lucy
Yuliya Snigir–Irina

‘Code red, code red.’
-Bruce Willis, THE SIEGE (1998)

(Insert Yaknov Smirnov Joke Here)

Take Your Kid To Work Day: The Movie…To The Extreme

All aboard! The 80s-Action-Movie-Express-Train blew passed the station, and shows no sign of slowing down. It’s about to jump the rails, hit the napalm factory, and plow right into the orphanage, the one adjacent to the factory.

After RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES films, I’m no longer nostalgic for the action stars of yesteryear. The irony, it’s gone. The next time I see Chuck Norris, it better be in an AARP commercial.

If you were wondering, ‘Die Hard’ is a reference to the battery; it’s not about the erection men get after becoming deceased.

John McClane goes to Moscow to give the Cold War a real ending. He thinks his son, Jack, has P-OD-ED on some top-notch pharmaceuticals. But really, Jack is a CIA spy. And so, there you have it, father and son, fighting Russian gangsters. John worked too much when Jack was growing up. But worry not, they’ll patch things up quickly; you only need a couple of hours to undo 30 years of resentment.

Here’s where it gets interesting… Just kidding, it never gets interesting.

After the first half hour, you lose all hope of seeing a good movie. From there, they don’t even bother giving us one decent scene.

The last DIE HARD had some problems, but it was still watchable. This latest DIE HARD can only be described as a violent, action-packed clusterfuck.

Bruce Willis just memorized a bunch of one-liners. Like, ‘I’m here, where’s my God-Damn paycheck?’

Willis has a serious case of ‘Tim Allen Syndrome’; where he’s gotten a little too comfortable with one particular role, like ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘John McClane’.

DIE HARD is not without positive attributes. What I liked most, the film’s brevity. It isn’t overly long, and that’s not so bad. Also, I love the part where John crashes through the window of an office building, and the other scene where he crashed through a window. That was cool.

Several times, John McClane mentions that he’s on vacation. And I say yes, he most certainly was.

I’m too young for this shit.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100

Stand Up Guys

STAND UP GUYS
R
95 Minutes
Director: Fisher Stevens
Writer: Noah Haidle
Al Pacino, Alan Arkin, Christopher Walken

CAST
Al Pacino--Val
Christopher Walken--Doc
Alan Arkin--Hirsch

I love Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. I thought I could watch these guys in anything; even if all they did was shovel cow manure for 95 minutes. But boy was I wrong, there is no excuse for spoon-feeding us this kind of bullshit.

Walken and Pacino play short-tempered criminals, on the verge of retirement. Criminals? Whoa, hold on a second, let me get a drink of water; I'm feeling a little light-headed from this shocking revelation. Look, I'm not saying these guys play ridiculous caricatures of themselves. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

After serving 28 years, Doc gets released from prison. He meets with Val for dinner, and they laugh and reminisce about the old days. Val and Doc: two best friends. One of them has to kill the other. A scenario like George and Lenny, in OF MICE AND MEN, except neither of these men are mentally challenged, in the traditional sense. Plus, the conclusion is a bit different.

Alan Arkin plays Hirsch, an old criminal, on his deathbed. Hirsch takes Val and Doc out on a joyride. Through some impressive maneuvering, and dazzling stuntsmanship. He manages to evade an entire police department, in only a few minutes.  Later on, we see Hirsch exhaling his last breath, in the back seat of the same car. Hmmmm, interesting, Hirsch driving a hearse.

You can't make a 95-minute assassin's tale,  without cutting a few corners. Like characters: if you use actors people are already familiar with, then there's no complicated back story. In a pinch, you can always get John Wayne to play a cowboy, or Jesse Eisenberg to play an awkward guy.

You can't pigeonhole this as a comedy, action, or dramatic piece. Because it's none of these. More than anything, this is an incomplete film.  I did like specific segments of the movie though.  Like when the 'bad guys' beat up the 'even worse' guys. But really, I think the best part was those new tracks by Bon Jovi. I wish I were joking, but at least he didn't ruin something that was good.

After watching STAND UP GUYS, One thing is clear, the actors in this movie are not 'Stand Up' guys. I'd say pardon the pun, but I'd be lying; I could never apologize for such clever wordplay.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Fred Claus

FRED CLAUS (2007)
PG
116 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Dan Fogelman, Jessie Nelson Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Elizabeth Banks

CAST
Vince Vaughn-Fred Claus
Paul Giamatti-Nick 'Santa' Claus
Elizabeth Banks-Charlene
Kevin Spacey-Clyde

Merry Christmas Everbody

FRED CLAUS reeks of mediocrity. It's not the worst Christmas movie ever made. But it is one of the most boring ones.

Plot wise, every Santa movie is about trying to get enough toys made before Christmas eve.

Paul Giamatti is over-qualified to play Santa. His lack of enthusiasm for the role is impossible to ignore. It looks as though he's only in FRED CLAUS as a result of black male, or an addiction to prescription pain killers

There's one, intentionally funny scene, when Fred goes to 'Siblings Anonymous'. Billy Baldwin, Roger Clinton, and Frank Stallone all complain about living in the shadow of a successful brother.

And Now For Some Unintentional Humor

'Clyde, played by Kevin Spacey, is an efficiency expert. A hard-nosed bureaucrat; he wants to shut down Santa's whole operation. We find out this 'Clyde' character is only bitter from not getting a particular present from Santa as a child. In the scene where Santa confronts Spacey's character, things get too melodramatic. Here is some dialogue:

Santa: Four-Eyed Clyde. I bet that's what they called you. I don't know what you're talk...Oh, and do you think that after a while of being called Four-Eyed Clyde... you maybe got a little angry? Maybe you started a fight or two. Maybe 10, maybe 12. So you asked me for something. A Superman cape. Because you thought that that was gonna change everything.

Clyde: This is ridiculous.

Santa: So you decide to stay Four-Eyed Clyde? Because Clark Kent wore glasses! But when he turned into Superman...he didn't need those darn glasses anymore, did he? Oh, Clyde. It was wrong of me not to give you that gift, Clyde. I fear that I had a very incorrect... misguided understanding of naughty children. So this may be a little late. You wanna put it on?

Clyde: Mr. Claus, I'm a 45-year-old man, I'm not...

Santa: Put it on...for me
(End Scene)

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. You may of unwrapped all your presents, and you're probably done watching Christmas movies. But with my gift to you, you now have knowledge of, and are able to avoid this sub par movie. And that's something that will last a lifetime.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Ernest Save Christmas (Retro)

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS (1988)(Retro)
PG
95 Minutes
Director: John R. Cherry III
Writers: Ed Turner, B. Kline
Jim Varney, Douglas Seale and Oliver Clark

Cast
Jim Varney     ...Ernest P. Worrell
Douglas Seale     ...Santa
Oliver Clark     ...Joe Carruthers

Well, there you go.
I messed things up, like always.
Only now, I messed up Christmas
for everybody. My favorite time of year,
and I blew it! -Ernest (Movie Dialogue)

The Importance of Being Ernest

After A CHRISTMAS STORY, and before HOME ALONE, we had ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS.

Culturally, 1988 was awful.  It was so awful, that ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS was not the worst movie to come out that year.

Ernest was a character invented by studio executives in the 80s. For those of my readers who don't remember the cultural phenomenon of 'Ernest'; shame on you, I'm embarrassed for the both of us. For those of you who have seen every 'Ernest' movie, stop reading my review, enough of your time has been wasted.

Varney's character was the personification, and embodiment of all 'THREE STOOGES'. The problem is, slapstick lost its appeal 50 years ago. Ernest is more slapdick comedy; the way he jerks us around, without arriving at any humorous climax.

Like 'Gallagher', There is no explaining why people liked him. Or how he hung around, just long enough, to permanently secure a spot on the Parthenon of American pop culture.

With ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS, Ernest impersonates a variety of characters, with stunning accuracy.  Lawyer, snake caretaker, elderly woman, and actor. And so it seems, Dana Carvey, the 'Master of Disguise, doesn't have a monopoly on impersonating multiple characters in the same film.

Jim Varney spent a large part of his life  portraying 'Ernest', before moving on as a distinguished thespian in the Royal Shakespeare Company.  That last part was a mistake. I was confusing Jim Varney with Ian McKellen...again. Sincerest apologies.

Truthfully, as far as his legacy is concerned, Varney probably wants to be  remembered for his later voiceover work, as well as that bizarre cameo on the last season of ROSEANNE, but not as some yokel in a denim vest. Unfortunately, there is no reversing the damage already done.

Not everything is wrong with this movie. Young children might like it, I know I loved it, that is, before knowing any better. On a positive note, Douglas Seale does give us the best depiction of Santa in cinematic history. It's just a shame, he had to be in such a poor movie.

Final Verdict: 10 out 100

Sidenote:  The Ernest thing isn't done yet, check out this story: Ernest Gets a Reboot with Son of Ernest. End this madness, now, please, let's not corrupt another generation of America. We need people to collect my bed pans, when I'm at a nursing home.

Christmas in Compton

CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON
93 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Raynr
Writers: Suzanne Broderick, Robert Fedor
Sheryl Lee Ralph, Keith David, Omar Gooding

 ...let me read you this one
Christmas in Compton
it was a silent night,
yes a holy night
until Mr. Claus turned into Santa
muthafuckin' right?
-MERRY MUTHAFUCKIN' X-MAS, EAZY-E

CAST
Porscha Coleman...Kendra  Campbell
Keith David ... Big Earl
Omar Gooding ...Derrick Hollander

I don't see what could go wrong. Combining two things I love: G-Funk and Christmas. Like at the grocery store, DiGornio pizza is sometimes packaged with chocolate chip cookies, so you don't have to burn empty calories, walking to separate isles trying to put a complete meal together.

I have this image of Eazy-E. Someone discovers his memoirs. And in the middle of that Trapper Keeper, there's an unfinished screenplay. Entitled, 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON'. This movie would be about robbing liquor stores to help pay for expensive AIDS drugs.

In the City...City of Compton

Compton is not a real city, it only exists in rap lyrics. To my chagrin, the title 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON', is a misnomer, and a marketing gimmick. No member of NWA, The Dogg Pound Gang, or Death Row Records, had any involvement with this film.  And my childhood fantasy of a AK's, Ol' English, and Santa delivering presents in a cherry '64; will always be, just that, a fantasy.

Keith David is a B+ actor. He's that guy you would mistake with the clerk on NIGHT COURT, Charles Robinson. Although now, there is probably less confusion, as NIGHT COURT'S popularity has waned considerably, following its cancellation.

A Wild and Crazy Kid

Closing in on 40; Omar Gooding is gotten away with playing the same character for 20 years. To his credit, he has aged more gracefully than other Nickelodeon game show hosts. Such as, Mark Summers and Mike O'Malley.

I Don't Like to Dream About Getting Paid

This film center on Derek Hollander is an amateur music producer. Who has a grand dream of becoming wealthy enough to get straight out of Compton forever.  Meanwhile, he's working at his dad's Christmas tree stand. Just to clarify, they sell Christmas trees there. It's not a business that sells a single Christmas tree stand.

Bah! Humbug!

Every bad Christmas movie ends the same way. The main character screws up, disappointing everyone in his life. But just in the 'Saint Nick' of time, he makes up for his wrongdoing, by way of a miracle. And now, everyone is better off than they would have been, had this parasite not coming to their lives.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Red Dawn

RED DAWN
PG-13
114 Minutes
Director: David Bradley
Writers: Carl Ellsworth, Jeremy Passmore, Kevin Reynolds, John Milius
Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, Erica Martin, Jed Eckert, Dan Lewis

Who is that handsome devil? It's local TV anchor, Dan Lewis. The picture is from LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT (2002). Another acting role of his. Cast
Josh Peck...Matt Eckert
Josh Hutcherson...Robert Kitner
Isabel Lucas...Erica Martin
Chris Hemsworth...Jed Eckert

Sometimes, remaking a bad movie works out.  If expectations are low to begin with, success is all but inevitable.

RED DAWN has sat on the shelf for about 2 years. The film makers were waiting for the right time to release it. But there is no right time to release this blitzkrieg on my intellectual faculties.

Walking in, all I wanted from this movie, was to see some communists get blown up. Not that terrorism is something to make light of. It's funny, but not ha-ha funny, more of a 'freaking hilarious' type funny. After his death, Kim Jong Il's brother, Menta Lee took power. And this time... it's 'no more Mr. Nice Guy'.

In this latest RED DAWN, Patrick Swayze was nowhere to be seen.  This alone is blasphemous beyond comprehension. I know he's dead, but it's no coincidence that they waited until the one, Sir Patrick Swayze was gone before starting this project. I'm not certain, it could very well be a coincidence, but maybe not. All I know is Jesse Ventura has an answer.

If I were North Korea, and planned on invading America, Spokane would be low on my list of places to make base camp. I might avoid the city altogether. They already have it bad enough living in Spokane. This  communism thing isn't for everyone.

Josh Peck usually plays dorky characters. Here he's playing a high school quarterback. Even though Josh lost a bunch of weight. He still doesn't look like much of an athlete. Not a major flaw, but it's like Sly Stallone playing a physics professor at MIT.

For those of you unfamiliar with Josh Peck. He was on the Nickelodeon sitcom, JOSH AND DRAKE (2004-2007). I'm basing this on exhaustive research. Not that I'm a regular watcher of Nickelodeon...anymore...this week.

In the original RED DAWN (1984), everything is far-fetched, but at least with the Soviets, you know they were a worthy adversary. With the North Koreans, you mostly pity them. China invading the United States, that's something that will definitely happen eventually. A Chinese invasion scenario would've made a better movie. Chinese stereotypes are funnier, and they would appeal more to RED DAWN'S target demographic: 13-year old boys with learning disabilities.

This is a bad movie remake that took itself way too seriously. Usually, I would advise against watching a movie like this. But not this time. Rent this movie, look at the special features, and you may see the real ending they forgot to put in the theatrical release.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

Here Comes The Boom

HERE COMES THE BOOM
PG
105 Minutes
Director: Frank Coraci
Writers: Kevin James, Rock Reuben, Allan Loeb
Kevin James, Henry Winkler, Salma Hayek

Cast                                                                                                                                           Kevin James … Scott Boom
Salma Hayek … Bella Flores
Henry Winkler … Marty Streb
Greg Germann … Principal Betcher
Joe Rogan … Himself

People are always bad mouthing PAUL BLART. I say it doesn’t get enough credit. In the previews, it looked awful, but it’s a solid C- film. So I gave this movie a chance, and I left the theater completely devastated.

The film unfolded like an episode of KING OF QUEENS; except with the sitcom, you can hear laughter in the background.

I know this sounds like that movie WARRIOR. Unlike WARRIOR, the face of MMA, and miscellaneous douchary, Joe Rogaine…I mean Rogan, is in this one.

I used most of my UFC jokes on that WARRIOR movie. But I haven’t used those KFC jokes yet. Kevin James lost 80 pounds to play an out-of-shape, high school biology teacher.

Mr. Boom is a science teacher. A budget shortfall might end all extracurricular activities. He needs to solve this. Boom used to wrestle in high school. Naturally, he assumes entering an MMA competition would be the best way to fix this budget issue. So everyday after school, Jackie Chan gives him the martial arts training he so badly needs.

Hot For (a) Teacher

Scott is an astute character. He knows Salma Hayek is far enough past her prime, where a high school teacher could easily date her.

You got to have some contrived conflict between the romantic interest and another woman. But that never happens. HERE COMES THE BOOM is too good for such clichés, and coherent plot lines.

Henry Winkler is good, he’s always at least tolerable, even in bad films. Just once, it would be nice to see him as ‘The Fonz’ again, like an adult, Principle ‘Fonz’ that sleeps with all the female faculty members. I’m including the unattractive ones as well. Because, well, he’s just that kind of guy.

Scott’s opponent had the same entrance music: ‘HERE COMES THE BOOM’…AWK-WERD… It goes against the general etiquette practiced in the Mixed Martial Arts world. The other guy knew the song didn’t belong to him. It’s kind of like two women wearing the same dress before fighting each other in the octagon.

Who’s the Voss?

I almost forgot. His real last name isn’t Boom. It’s Voss, but does it really matter? While it’s definitely plausible, I almost forgot. His real last name isn’t Boom. It’s Voss, but does it really matter? While it’s definitely plausible, that’s really more the domain of Tyler Perry.

I’d say they intentionally tried to make a bad movie, but that would have required some forethought.

Final Verdict: 30 out of 100