Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Ghost Chase (Retro)

GHOST CHASE (1987)
89 Minutes
PG
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich , Thomas Kubisch
Stars: Jason Lively, Tim McDaniel, Jill Whitlow

Cast
Jason Lively…Warren McCloud
Tim McDaniel… Fred
Jill Whitlow…Laurie Sanders
Leonard Lansink…Karl
Paul Gleason…Stan Gordon
Unknown Voice Over Actor…Louis (Alien Butler)

So My Granfather’s Butler Is An Alien

Everything in this movie was so convoluted, where do I start?

Warren McCloud gets a grandfather clock after his rich grandfather dies. The details are sketchy, but I believe the grandfather committed a murders-suicide, and his buttler died in the same incident. A lot of money is hidden in the McCloud estate.

This grandfather clock contains the spirit of the butler. One night, when the clock rang 12, the butler comes back as a ghost, but not just any ghost, one that inhabits the body of an animatronic alien, movie prop. He’s knows of a large inheritance that is owed to the person he’s haunting.

The principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB plays the villain, Stan Gordon. I don’t know what motivates his behavior. This villain has one of his über-German cronies follow Warren and his friends. I think he wants the clock or something.

When I looked at the movie synopsis, I was under the impression the ghost would take over the body of a real alien. That’s something no one has done. Regardless of how good it was, I would still want to see a movie where an alien got possessed by a ghost, perhaps ALF. But a ghost inhabiting a doll, that is not interesting. That TED movie only worked because a ghost wasn’t involved.

While We’re On The Subject…

If I were a ghost, and got to inhabit a doll, I’d pick Teddy Ruxpin. I’d sound normal when a kid’s parents were around. Then, I don’t know…I’d have him run personal errands, and freak random people out. But I would only freak out crazy people. Because no one’s going to believe their story.

Questions

• Where did the alien butler find butler clothes in his size?


• How does the butler the reach the pedals when he drives a car?


• What’s this movie about?

On the surface this film looks derivative. Mostly because of the Yoda-ET-hybrid animatronic doll. But it’s not derivative. As a whole, this type of film has never been done before. And it should never be done again.

It looks like director, Roland Emmerich (INDEPENDENCE DAY, STARGATE), has a blemish, on an otherwise perfect cannon of studio art.

Ending On A Positive Note

That alien doll was kind of neat. I liked his accent, and overall personality. So in good conscience, I can’t possibly give this movie a zero.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: There is an uncut, PG-13 version of this film. It’s about 12 minutes longer. Be forwarned, this extra footage includes drinking, smoking, and profanity. It’s difficult to find this uncut movie, unless you want a German-dubbed, VHS copy.

License To Drive (Retro)

LICENSE TO DRIVE (1988)
88 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Greg Beeman
Writer: Neil Tolkin
Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Carol Kane

Cast
Corey Feldman…Dean
Corey Haim…Les Anderson
Carol Kane…Mrs. Anderson
Richard Masur…Mr. Anderson
Heather Graham… Mercedes

Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I’ll love you
-The Beatles, DRIVE MY CAR

Celebrity in Profile: Corey Haim
This is the first of a 12 part series on Corey Haim. First, DEMOLITION HIGH (1996), co-starring Alan Thicke. And second, ME, MYSELF AND I (1989), a day-in-the-life movie, where all he does is practice basketball, hockey, and baseball…while looking awesome.  I’m only kidding, not about those titles, those do actually exist, but I can’t watch 12 Corey Haim films. One will suffice.

1988 was a hell of a year. Rick Astley released TOGETHER FORVER.  Reagan was showing early symptoms of Alzheimer’s in his last year of office. Dukakis had the tank thing.  And I almost forgot: LICENSE TO DRIVE was released. I chose to review this movie, because career-wise, and life-wise, this is when the Coreys reached their peak.

The movie poster looks cool with its Cruisin’ USA graphics, and the sunglasses.  But does it win the race? At the track, it starts out in pole position. As a relatively entertaining,  adolescent fantasy: like being left home alone, or hitchhiking to get to a Super Mario Brothers competition. But on the last stretch of the race, this vehicle plows into a farmer’s market, full of make-a-wish children.

Corey #2 fails his driving test, the only problem is he already told Heather Graham they were going out this weekend. And she’s like the hottest girl at school. His only option is to lie about passing the driving exam. From there, he’ll go joyriding in the family car. All without his folks noticing anything’s amiss. Disregard that she’s only trying to make her ex jealous. Also, I should note that there is no way this Les character will get beyond his one pity date, at least not with the car he has now.
 
I have a soft spot in my heart for a kid like this.  I failed my driving test three times. After the third fail, I don’t know what happened, some say a DOL employee’s heart grew three sizes that day, to that of half of a human, and on my fourth attempt, they gave me that easiest test administrator in the state. I didn’t just pass, I received a 92.

Favorite Scene:
Corey Feldman taking booby Polaroids of a passed out, drunk girl in the back seat of a Cadillac. She’s placed in the trunk, moments later.
 
The film you describe sounds cool. But I don’t want to hear any Billy Ocean songs. What should I do?

After watching the trailer, you may wonder how to avoid hearing Billy Ocean’s GET INTO MY CAR. But don’t fret, just follow my instructions. In the DVD setup menu, hit languages, then hit Spanish. As it turns out, the Spanish dub has a completely different soundtrack. But this will only work if you understand Spanish.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 1000
No, that was a typo. Still, it’s really bad.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Paranoid

PARANOIA
PG-13
104 Minutes
Director: Robert Luketic
Writers: Jason Dean Hall, Barry Levy

Cast
Liam Hemsworth...Adam Cassidy
Gary Oldman...Nicolas Wyatt
Harrison Ford...Jock Goddard
Amber Heard...Emma Jennings

'Someone is always listening.'
-Movie Dialogue

I was going to review FROZEN GROUND, but I'm having a little writer's block with the Nick Cage jokes. So I'm leaving him out of this week's review. Ladies and Gentleman, make note of this historic event, because it's about as rare as a total lunar eclipse: for one week, a film Nick Cage is in isn't the worst thing playing at the box office.

Interview With The Vampire

Nicolas Wyatt blackmails Adam, an employee of his, to infiltrate a rival cell phone company, and steal their secrets. After getting hired by the rival, Adam has a tough time maintaining the professional façade, and I hope I'm not spoiling anything here, but he becomes a little paranoid. Well, more than just a little, like Art Bell-Tin Foil-Hat paranoid.

Ten minutes into the movie, these are my predictions:

• Things don't go as planned.


• Princeton girl will betray him. Those two are fucking.


• Adam's fake new employer is going to double cross him, as well as his real current employer. Nonetheless, Adam will get his revenge on the double crossers.


• The feds will get involved, but we won't know that untill the end.


• They knew everything...the whole time.


• This movie is going to rock.

Most of my predictions were correct:

• Nothing went as planned, everything went horribly wrong.


• That Princeton girl betrayed him. And those two are definitely fucking. They're soul mates, that will end up getting married.


• Adam's employers double crossed him, but he had the last laugh.


• The feds got involved, but it was more toward the middle of the movie.


• Everyone knew everything, the entire time. Adam should have taken some precautions. If I were him, I'd communicate with handwritten notes and carrier pigeons, and I'd have armoured pigeons to prevent anything from being intercepted. Despite being completely predictable, this movie did not rock. I'll elaborate on that in the last couple paragraphs.

What Didn't Rock

Harrison Ford doesn't play bad guys. All of his characters maintain a high level of self-righteous indignation. To avoid confusion, he shaves his head for this role. So we know he's evil. Just look at Lex Luther, Dr. Evil, and Billy Corgan. You know for a fact that all of these men would kill you in your sleep, if you meddled with their plans of world domination.

This film does everything wrong. The only cliché PARANOID avoids is about not dipping your pen in the company ink. There's also unnecessary characters, plot holes, and an overall lack of character development. Also, with a movie this bad, would it be so hard to Michael Bay it up a bit, with some special effects? I don't want it to be so boring that I fall asleep and wake up in the middle the next showing, that's too cruel.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Kick-Ass 2

KICK-ASS 2
R
103 Minutes
Director: Jeff Wadlow
Writers: Jeff Wadlow, Mark Millar, John Romita Jr.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

…if you need a motherfucker I ain’t hard to find -Big Syke, I AIN’T HARD TO FIND (2PAC)

Cast
Aaron Taylor-Johnson… Kick-Ass
Chloë Grace Moretz …Hit-Girl
Christopher Mintz-Plasse…The Motherfucker
Augustus Prew…Ass
Jim Carrey… Colonel Stars and Stripes

This KICK-ASS 2 project failed from the very beginning. Because they broke the first rule of movie making: don’t call a movie KICK ASS, without Nicholas Cage. I can’t stress this enough; the man desperately needs the money. Just assign him a part, he’ll stay out of the way. Most of the cast members are adults now, so there won’t be a repeat of KICK ASS (1).

Introducing all the characters is the most lengthy, and tiresome part of super hero movies. There aren’t any new characters in KICK ASS 2. You know what that means? More ass kicking time.

I thought the first one was too violent. But I think fewer people die in this one. But who’s counting? It’s like saying INGLOURIOUS BASTERDSwas more violent than DJANGO UNCHAINED.

This movie is not grounded in reality. In high school, pale, scrawny guys, with glasses never have super hot girlfriends. And people usually feel bad when they kill others.

By far, the Mindy subplot is the most interesting part of the KICK-ASS 2. Mindy ‘The Hit-Girl’ Hart stops being a superhero for good, and becomes a popular cheerleader. But things aren’t what they seem. She becomes a victim of a CARRIE-like assault by her peers. Don’t worry, she shows them a lesson, oh yes, with a contraption that makes people barf and gives them diarrhea.

‘I don’t want to win, I just want to make the world a better place.’

I don’t get why there is a superhero named ‘Ass’. First, the name isn’t very flattering. And second, the name is confusing. Calling him a ‘pompous ass’ wouldn’t be an insult to him, specifically, but it is insulting to anyone else.

There was a Woody Allen-looking guy. I don’t know what his super power was, but I think it involves seducing adopted Chinese daughters.

Jim Carey convincingly played a different kind of guy. ‘Chip Hazard’, from SMALL SOLDIERS. This Colonel Stars and Stripes is crazy. You can see it, there is one specific moment in which he really loses his head.

The funeral scene, that’s where this movie goes from bad, to truly awful. Why did so many people need to be murdered at a funeral? Eventually, the graveyard battle moves to the freeway. It’s funny how this gun battle doesn’t seem to impede traffic in the slightest. This is the point, where I’m thinking that taking my six-year old nephew to see this was a bad idea.

Maybe I’m a little old-fashioned, being shocked by the level of realistic violence. Sometimes, I like gratuitous violence, especially when it’s directed at innocent women and children. But here, there is just a purposelessness to it all that keeps me from being entertained.

So in summary: I can’t accuse anyone of false advertising, many people get their asses kicked in this movie…And there’s a guy named Kick-Ass. So it kind of works on two levels.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Grown Ups 2

GROWN UPS II
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Dennis Dugan
Writers: Fred Wolf, Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Kurt McKenzie

Cast
Adam Sandler…Lenny Feder
Salma Hayek…Roxanne Chase-Feder
Kevin James…Eric Lamonsoff
Chris Rock…Kurt McKenzie

The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
And we’ll be better
The second time around
STEP BY STEP (THEME SONG)

BILLY MADISON PART VII

Walking into this, I knew, the second movie would be better than the first GROWN UPS. Because movie ratings don’t go less than zero.

GROWN UPS (1) made so much money,  Adam Sandler gave Maseratis to the main cast members, and he still had enough money left over to make a sequel.

BEDTIME STORIES

The main plot, from what I could tell. The old guys, and a local fraternity are at war. Over a swimming quarry, and who it belongs to. The Alpha Betas are the whitest, waspiest, college guys ever.  And the grand finale involves a battle between the two groups.

Nick Swardson, star of the worst movie ever made, BUCKY LARSON, replaces, Rob Schneider in GROWN UPS II. He plays a burnout bus driver (think ‘Auto’ from THE SIMPSONS) with complete perfection.

Let’s move on to a man who’s made the second worst movie of all time. Former NBA baller, and basketball player, Shaquille ‘The Shamrock’ O’Neil. In Miami, he’s banned from lawn enforcement, not for making KAZAAM, but for using foul language in a freestyle rap…while drunk at a concert. Which is interesting, since  the ‘man of steel’ released five profanity-laced, studio albums before becoming a police officer. Anyway, the rap was about Kobe.  O’Neil should get a free pass; or does the Miami Beach Sheriff think that raping hotel employees is cool? But I digress. O’Neil’s desire to implement the law is still intact. In GROWN UPS II, he plays a cop, who isn’t too keen on law and order. Shaq is kind of funny in this role,  which is more than I can say about most of the cast.

The blonde kid from HARRY POTTER is at it again. Here, he  runs a summer camp for special needs kids…No, I’m joking, he’s playing a dooshy frat guy. And that’s the type of guy he will play, forever. That is, unless Macaulay Culkin dies during the filming of HOME ALONE 10: LOST IN THE NURSING HOME. In which case, he would make a suitable replacement.

GROWN UPS DRIVER

‘We’re irrelevant, we’re losers. You saw the way those frat guys treated us.’

What’s most upsetting is the waste of comedic talent. Except for David Spade, all these comedians are capable of much more, hilarity.

Now we get a second movie that no one asked for. No wait, that’s wrong, many people wanted this sequel. Not me though, I thought  a sub-par sequel might tarnish the legacy of the GROWN UPS franchise. But I was wrong: GROWN UPS II surpassed my expectations.

Final Verdict: 28 out of 100
Sidenote: Stayed tuned for a retro review of BLIND FURY.

The Ringer (Retro)

THE RINGER (2005)
PG-13
94 minutes 
Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Johnny Knoxville, Brian Cox, Katherine Heigl

Cast
Johnny Knoxville ... Steve Barker
Brian Cox...Gary Barker
Katherine Heigl...Lynn Sheridan
Jed Rees...Glen

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on.
THE BEATLES, LIFE GOES ON (THEME)

As a tenth-grader, in my English class, we had a short written assignment, answering a question: Do you think saying 'that's retarded' is offensive,  and why? My response, no, I don't think retards are capable of being offended. In retrospect, I recognize how hilarious, and insensitive my remarks were. Maybe I was just releasing pent-up rage, because that kid in middle school called me 'Special Ed'.

I saw this at a theatre,  but recently, THE RINGER aired on Comedy Central. It was something I had completely forgot about. After my second viewing" I realized that  I have to criticize this film now, before people forget about it altogether.  Kind of like the Nuremberg trials.

Johnny Knoxville hasn't declared himself a serious actor, by words or action. So I can't judge him on the same scale as Sean Penn. Of all the MTV actors, Johnny Knoxville has fared better than everyone. Except, well... no, Pauly Shore doesn't count as human being. Knoxville has a couple of things going for him. One, when you squint, he looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Two, if he ever puts on weight, he'd be indistinguishable from Jim Brewer. THE RINGER isn't Knoxville's worst movie. That award goes to GRAND THEFT PARSONS (2004).  But this might be his most memorable role.

There are many problems with THE RINGER. I can't list all of them, this is an article, not the ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. I  am going to examine a few of these problems though.

• The premise isn't plausible. You would need a doctor's help to fake any sort of mental handicap.

• The pretty, blonde Special Olympics coördinator has a dooshy, cliché boyfriend. You know he's bad news, because he pushes kids off the monkey bars at the park, while laughing maniacally.  In the middle of the movie, this guy gets caught making out with a hostess from Applebee's. It just doesn't add up. Why would a 'bad guy' cheat on his girlfriend?

• I don't think a bookie would take bets on the Special Olympics.  Not because it's immoral, or unethical. Mostly, because the competition might easily be fixed.

The Finish Line

To be fair, THE RINGER accurately depicts mentally handicapped people. With one big exception: 'Jeffey Dahmer'. But if you really want to watch a grown man go 'full-on retard' for two hours,  CORKY ROMANO would be a better option.

Final Verdict: 21 out of 100

The Call

THE CALL
R
94 Minutes
Director: Brad Anderson
Writers: Richard D’Ovidio, Nicole D’Ovidio, Jon Bokenkamp
Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin, Morris Chestnut

CAST
Halle Berry…Jordan Turner
Abigail Breslin…Casey Welson
Morris Chestnut…Paul Phillips
Michael Eklund…Michael Foster
David Otunga…Officer Jake Devans

So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown
-PUBLIC ENEMY, 911 IS A JOKE (1990)

I'm going back in time to a few months ago. Like most people, I don't remember when THE CALL was out in theatres. But this film is one of Roger Ebert's last reviews. I'd be doing him a disservice, if I didn't drop a dime, and give you a ruthlessly, accurate critique of THE CALL.

Jordan Turner works at a 911 call center. During one call, she fails to keep a girl from getting murdered.She blames herself for the death, and can't seem to move past it. Jordan can't fix the past, and this becomes all too clear when one girl gets abducted.

In my opinion, the girl got herself into this mess, with that tight, revealing dress, she should figure this mess out on her own, without getting 911 involved.

A blonde, teenage girl calls 911 from the trunk of a Camry, history repeats itself. Jordan is already familiar with man who abducted this girl. He got away with murder once. Now the tables are turned, and we're left with a hair-raising tale of retribution.

The abductor is Michael Lewis Foster, a 36 year-old man who loves bad 80s pop. He's like the creepy guy who kidnapped the bear in TED.

This film's (main) weakness is its lack of plausibility.

The cops in California, are at every freeway exit, handing chicken-shit tickets out to ordinary citizens. The abductor shouldn't be so hard to track down.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I've never seen an all black police department. But there is something inherently racist about a black police department being completely inept in a film.

911 Please Someone Help Me

The way Halle Berry's character reacted to screwing up is realistic, I'll give them that. Anyone who saves lives for a living, will screw up eventually. Like with me, I'm sure I've caused many heart attacks, with my insightful prose. That's a huge burden to live with. Nonetheless, I wake up, each day, courageously, doing the only thing I know how, regardless of how many people I may hurt in the process.

The actor, Micheal Imperiola, or as he is more commonly known, the guy with the nose from THE SOPRANOS'. He's taking a break from the Tequila commercials. In this movie, he plays a legitimate businessman...'s chauffeur.

Halle Berry; she's a female Matthew McConaughey. And by that, I mean, people only see her movies because of her top-notch, set of perky...acting chops. In THE CALL she bravely dons a 'Whitney Houston...past her prime' hairdo. It speaks volumes on where she is and where her career is going.

It's Dunn

This quality picture is produced by World Wrestling Entertainment Studios. Honestly, I'd expect more from them. Vince McMahon—have you no shame?

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100