Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Fred Claus

FRED CLAUS (2007)
PG
116 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Dan Fogelman, Jessie Nelson Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Elizabeth Banks

CAST
Vince Vaughn-Fred Claus
Paul Giamatti-Nick 'Santa' Claus
Elizabeth Banks-Charlene
Kevin Spacey-Clyde

Merry Christmas Everbody

FRED CLAUS reeks of mediocrity. It's not the worst Christmas movie ever made. But it is one of the most boring ones.

Plot wise, every Santa movie is about trying to get enough toys made before Christmas eve.

Paul Giamatti is over-qualified to play Santa. His lack of enthusiasm for the role is impossible to ignore. It looks as though he's only in FRED CLAUS as a result of black male, or an addiction to prescription pain killers

There's one, intentionally funny scene, when Fred goes to 'Siblings Anonymous'. Billy Baldwin, Roger Clinton, and Frank Stallone all complain about living in the shadow of a successful brother.

And Now For Some Unintentional Humor

'Clyde, played by Kevin Spacey, is an efficiency expert. A hard-nosed bureaucrat; he wants to shut down Santa's whole operation. We find out this 'Clyde' character is only bitter from not getting a particular present from Santa as a child. In the scene where Santa confronts Spacey's character, things get too melodramatic. Here is some dialogue:

Santa: Four-Eyed Clyde. I bet that's what they called you. I don't know what you're talk...Oh, and do you think that after a while of being called Four-Eyed Clyde... you maybe got a little angry? Maybe you started a fight or two. Maybe 10, maybe 12. So you asked me for something. A Superman cape. Because you thought that that was gonna change everything.

Clyde: This is ridiculous.

Santa: So you decide to stay Four-Eyed Clyde? Because Clark Kent wore glasses! But when he turned into Superman...he didn't need those darn glasses anymore, did he? Oh, Clyde. It was wrong of me not to give you that gift, Clyde. I fear that I had a very incorrect... misguided understanding of naughty children. So this may be a little late. You wanna put it on?

Clyde: Mr. Claus, I'm a 45-year-old man, I'm not...

Santa: Put it on...for me
(End Scene)

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. You may of unwrapped all your presents, and you're probably done watching Christmas movies. But with my gift to you, you now have knowledge of, and are able to avoid this sub par movie. And that's something that will last a lifetime.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Ernest Save Christmas (Retro)

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS (1988)(Retro)
PG
95 Minutes
Director: John R. Cherry III
Writers: Ed Turner, B. Kline
Jim Varney, Douglas Seale and Oliver Clark

Cast
Jim Varney     ...Ernest P. Worrell
Douglas Seale     ...Santa
Oliver Clark     ...Joe Carruthers

Well, there you go.
I messed things up, like always.
Only now, I messed up Christmas
for everybody. My favorite time of year,
and I blew it! -Ernest (Movie Dialogue)

The Importance of Being Ernest

After A CHRISTMAS STORY, and before HOME ALONE, we had ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS.

Culturally, 1988 was awful.  It was so awful, that ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS was not the worst movie to come out that year.

Ernest was a character invented by studio executives in the 80s. For those of my readers who don't remember the cultural phenomenon of 'Ernest'; shame on you, I'm embarrassed for the both of us. For those of you who have seen every 'Ernest' movie, stop reading my review, enough of your time has been wasted.

Varney's character was the personification, and embodiment of all 'THREE STOOGES'. The problem is, slapstick lost its appeal 50 years ago. Ernest is more slapdick comedy; the way he jerks us around, without arriving at any humorous climax.

Like 'Gallagher', There is no explaining why people liked him. Or how he hung around, just long enough, to permanently secure a spot on the Parthenon of American pop culture.

With ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS, Ernest impersonates a variety of characters, with stunning accuracy.  Lawyer, snake caretaker, elderly woman, and actor. And so it seems, Dana Carvey, the 'Master of Disguise, doesn't have a monopoly on impersonating multiple characters in the same film.

Jim Varney spent a large part of his life  portraying 'Ernest', before moving on as a distinguished thespian in the Royal Shakespeare Company.  That last part was a mistake. I was confusing Jim Varney with Ian McKellen...again. Sincerest apologies.

Truthfully, as far as his legacy is concerned, Varney probably wants to be  remembered for his later voiceover work, as well as that bizarre cameo on the last season of ROSEANNE, but not as some yokel in a denim vest. Unfortunately, there is no reversing the damage already done.

Not everything is wrong with this movie. Young children might like it, I know I loved it, that is, before knowing any better. On a positive note, Douglas Seale does give us the best depiction of Santa in cinematic history. It's just a shame, he had to be in such a poor movie.

Final Verdict: 10 out 100

Sidenote:  The Ernest thing isn't done yet, check out this story: Ernest Gets a Reboot with Son of Ernest. End this madness, now, please, let's not corrupt another generation of America. We need people to collect my bed pans, when I'm at a nursing home.

Christmas in Compton

CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON
93 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Raynr
Writers: Suzanne Broderick, Robert Fedor
Sheryl Lee Ralph, Keith David, Omar Gooding

 ...let me read you this one
Christmas in Compton
it was a silent night,
yes a holy night
until Mr. Claus turned into Santa
muthafuckin' right?
-MERRY MUTHAFUCKIN' X-MAS, EAZY-E

CAST
Porscha Coleman...Kendra  Campbell
Keith David ... Big Earl
Omar Gooding ...Derrick Hollander

I don't see what could go wrong. Combining two things I love: G-Funk and Christmas. Like at the grocery store, DiGornio pizza is sometimes packaged with chocolate chip cookies, so you don't have to burn empty calories, walking to separate isles trying to put a complete meal together.

I have this image of Eazy-E. Someone discovers his memoirs. And in the middle of that Trapper Keeper, there's an unfinished screenplay. Entitled, 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON'. This movie would be about robbing liquor stores to help pay for expensive AIDS drugs.

In the City...City of Compton

Compton is not a real city, it only exists in rap lyrics. To my chagrin, the title 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON', is a misnomer, and a marketing gimmick. No member of NWA, The Dogg Pound Gang, or Death Row Records, had any involvement with this film.  And my childhood fantasy of a AK's, Ol' English, and Santa delivering presents in a cherry '64; will always be, just that, a fantasy.

Keith David is a B+ actor. He's that guy you would mistake with the clerk on NIGHT COURT, Charles Robinson. Although now, there is probably less confusion, as NIGHT COURT'S popularity has waned considerably, following its cancellation.

A Wild and Crazy Kid

Closing in on 40; Omar Gooding is gotten away with playing the same character for 20 years. To his credit, he has aged more gracefully than other Nickelodeon game show hosts. Such as, Mark Summers and Mike O'Malley.

I Don't Like to Dream About Getting Paid

This film center on Derek Hollander is an amateur music producer. Who has a grand dream of becoming wealthy enough to get straight out of Compton forever.  Meanwhile, he's working at his dad's Christmas tree stand. Just to clarify, they sell Christmas trees there. It's not a business that sells a single Christmas tree stand.

Bah! Humbug!

Every bad Christmas movie ends the same way. The main character screws up, disappointing everyone in his life. But just in the 'Saint Nick' of time, he makes up for his wrongdoing, by way of a miracle. And now, everyone is better off than they would have been, had this parasite not coming to their lives.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100