Grown Ups 2

GROWN UPS II
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Dennis Dugan
Writers: Fred Wolf, Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Kurt McKenzie

Cast
Adam Sandler…Lenny Feder
Salma Hayek…Roxanne Chase-Feder
Kevin James…Eric Lamonsoff
Chris Rock…Kurt McKenzie

The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
And we’ll be better
The second time around
STEP BY STEP (THEME SONG)

BILLY MADISON PART VII

Walking into this, I knew, the second movie would be better than the first GROWN UPS. Because movie ratings don’t go less than zero.

GROWN UPS (1) made so much money,  Adam Sandler gave Maseratis to the main cast members, and he still had enough money left over to make a sequel.

BEDTIME STORIES

The main plot, from what I could tell. The old guys, and a local fraternity are at war. Over a swimming quarry, and who it belongs to. The Alpha Betas are the whitest, waspiest, college guys ever.  And the grand finale involves a battle between the two groups.

Nick Swardson, star of the worst movie ever made, BUCKY LARSON, replaces, Rob Schneider in GROWN UPS II. He plays a burnout bus driver (think ‘Auto’ from THE SIMPSONS) with complete perfection.

Let’s move on to a man who’s made the second worst movie of all time. Former NBA baller, and basketball player, Shaquille ‘The Shamrock’ O’Neil. In Miami, he’s banned from lawn enforcement, not for making KAZAAM, but for using foul language in a freestyle rap…while drunk at a concert. Which is interesting, since  the ‘man of steel’ released five profanity-laced, studio albums before becoming a police officer. Anyway, the rap was about Kobe.  O’Neil should get a free pass; or does the Miami Beach Sheriff think that raping hotel employees is cool? But I digress. O’Neil’s desire to implement the law is still intact. In GROWN UPS II, he plays a cop, who isn’t too keen on law and order. Shaq is kind of funny in this role,  which is more than I can say about most of the cast.

The blonde kid from HARRY POTTER is at it again. Here, he  runs a summer camp for special needs kids…No, I’m joking, he’s playing a dooshy frat guy. And that’s the type of guy he will play, forever. That is, unless Macaulay Culkin dies during the filming of HOME ALONE 10: LOST IN THE NURSING HOME. In which case, he would make a suitable replacement.

GROWN UPS DRIVER

‘We’re irrelevant, we’re losers. You saw the way those frat guys treated us.’

What’s most upsetting is the waste of comedic talent. Except for David Spade, all these comedians are capable of much more, hilarity.

Now we get a second movie that no one asked for. No wait, that’s wrong, many people wanted this sequel. Not me though, I thought  a sub-par sequel might tarnish the legacy of the GROWN UPS franchise. But I was wrong: GROWN UPS II surpassed my expectations.

Final Verdict: 28 out of 100
Sidenote: Stayed tuned for a retro review of BLIND FURY.

Here Comes The Boom

HERE COMES THE BOOM
PG
105 Minutes
Director: Frank Coraci
Writers: Kevin James, Rock Reuben, Allan Loeb
Kevin James, Henry Winkler, Salma Hayek

Cast                                                                                                                                           Kevin James … Scott Boom
Salma Hayek … Bella Flores
Henry Winkler … Marty Streb
Greg Germann … Principal Betcher
Joe Rogan … Himself

People are always bad mouthing PAUL BLART. I say it doesn’t get enough credit. In the previews, it looked awful, but it’s a solid C- film. So I gave this movie a chance, and I left the theater completely devastated.

The film unfolded like an episode of KING OF QUEENS; except with the sitcom, you can hear laughter in the background.

I know this sounds like that movie WARRIOR. Unlike WARRIOR, the face of MMA, and miscellaneous douchary, Joe Rogaine…I mean Rogan, is in this one.

I used most of my UFC jokes on that WARRIOR movie. But I haven’t used those KFC jokes yet. Kevin James lost 80 pounds to play an out-of-shape, high school biology teacher.

Mr. Boom is a science teacher. A budget shortfall might end all extracurricular activities. He needs to solve this. Boom used to wrestle in high school. Naturally, he assumes entering an MMA competition would be the best way to fix this budget issue. So everyday after school, Jackie Chan gives him the martial arts training he so badly needs.

Hot For (a) Teacher

Scott is an astute character. He knows Salma Hayek is far enough past her prime, where a high school teacher could easily date her.

You got to have some contrived conflict between the romantic interest and another woman. But that never happens. HERE COMES THE BOOM is too good for such clichés, and coherent plot lines.

Henry Winkler is good, he’s always at least tolerable, even in bad films. Just once, it would be nice to see him as ‘The Fonz’ again, like an adult, Principle ‘Fonz’ that sleeps with all the female faculty members. I’m including the unattractive ones as well. Because, well, he’s just that kind of guy.

Scott’s opponent had the same entrance music: ‘HERE COMES THE BOOM’…AWK-WERD… It goes against the general etiquette practiced in the Mixed Martial Arts world. The other guy knew the song didn’t belong to him. It’s kind of like two women wearing the same dress before fighting each other in the octagon.

Who’s the Voss?

I almost forgot. His real last name isn’t Boom. It’s Voss, but does it really matter? While it’s definitely plausible, I almost forgot. His real last name isn’t Boom. It’s Voss, but does it really matter? While it’s definitely plausible, that’s really more the domain of Tyler Perry.

I’d say they intentionally tried to make a bad movie, but that would have required some forethought.

Final Verdict: 30 out of 100