Captain America: Civil War

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
PG-13
143 minutes
Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
Writers: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Mark Millar, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby

CAST
Iron Man…Robert Downey Junior
Captain America…Chris Evans
Hawkeye…Jeremy Renner
Falcon…Anthony Mackie
Ant-Man…Paul Rudd
Black Widow…Scarlett Johansson

CIVIL WAR?

One look at the title, and you know what it’s about: the American Civil War. The Avengers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, as a team building exercise, but they never get to reenact anything. Before the fake battle begins, Loki and his intergalactic minions open a wormhole, and the Avengers are transported into the real Civil War. And this time the right side will win. No, hear me out. I mean if the South won, Lincoln doesn’t get assassinated. Honest Abe retreats to Toronto. And the Confederacy would get their own country, for a while anyway. Before killing themselves, through bar fights, incest, and slave rebellion…right around 1870. At which point, Lincoln moves back to the states, to sew together the tattered pieces of old America; because that’s how history works. To my surprise, CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR wasn’t about the American Civil War. Which goes to show that you can’t always get the gist of a film from the title alone, like NAKED LUNCH. Sometimes it’s best to watch the trailer.

THIS WAR DOESN’T SEEM SO CIVIL

I might as well start with the things I didn’t like. The fight scenes were frequent, and lengthy. Generally, I don’t mind fight scenes, but do they have to be so long. I can suspend disbelief for short bursts of time, but overly long fight scenes make you realize your watching a cartoon. I can now envision a future where actors become obsolete. And CGI people star in their own two-hour fight scene.

HAWKEYE…WHAT’S HIS DEAL?

It’s not Jeremy Renner’s fault, but of all the Avengers, Hawkeye is the least compelling. He shoots arrows, accurately…that’s it. If things took place in Middle Earth, and Jeremy Renner were Orlando Bloom, then I’d find Hawkeye’s antics more impressive.

LAST WORDS

At this point, you may have the impression that I didn’t care for this AVENGERS movie, but that’s not the case. I was never bored because I never had a chance to think about what was going on. Nonetheless, CIVIL WAR is still a solid, BM…I mean, solid, B-movie. Sharp humor, and an interesting cliffhanger, push this into I-wouldn’t-mind-seeing-this-again territory.

Final Verdict: 81 out of 100

God Is Not Dead 2

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2
PG
120 Minutes
Director: Harold Cronk
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Melissa Joan Hart, Jesse Metcalfe, David A.R. White

CAST
Maria Canals-Barrera…Catherine Thawley
Pat Boone...Walter Wesley
Robin Givens...Principal Kinney
Melissa Joan Hart...Grace Wesley
Brad Heller...School Attorney
Ernie Hudson…Judge Robert Stennis

Clarissa Explains It All

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2 was more compelling than the previous installment. In that there  is actually something at stake. First off, this movie takes place in a courtroom, instead of a Philosophy 101 class. But the courtroom proceedings are so ridiculous, it makes an episode of NIGHT COURT look like a Nuremberg trial. Furthermore, Kevin Sorbo is conveniently absent from the proceedings, so I’m going to award seven bonus points.

Drive Me Crazy

This film has a simple premise. Clarissa is a history teacher that gets fired for quoting a bible verse. This quote stated a non-controversial, historical fact. Nonetheless, it’s a big deal. Sabrina has to fight for her job in court. Now, the school district is making it their business to persecute a Christian educator. There are other plot points, but I won’t into them, because can see how bored you’re getting.

The only chance a faith-based movie has at success, is with Hollywood stars…of yesteryear. Melissa Joan Hart, Robin Givens, Ernie Hudson. Also, it was strange to see the sister from THE GOLDBERGS,  play one of the main characters.  I like her on that show, and I don’t know how she got roped into this. Because it’s not like this gig pays network sitcom money.

Salem Witch Trial

As I stated earlier, Melissa Joan Hart stars in this film. Yes, that Melissa Joan Hart.  Star of CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL, and SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. And let me tell you, this movie could really use a talking cat, especially one hell-bent on world domination.  His name would be Jesus, and he could take the witness stand. I know he’s not the real Jesus, but no one else has to know.  Because a talking cat must be…feline…I mean Divine.

Final Verdict: 7 out of 100

Race

RACE
PG-13
134 Minutes
Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writers: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse
Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Eli Goree

CAST
Stephan James...Jesse Owens
Jason Sudeikis...Larry Snyder
Eli Goree...Dave Albritton
Shanice Banton...Ruth Solomon
Adrian Zwicker...Adolf Hitler

‘Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon.' -Ice Cube, (YOU CAN DO IT)

First, I love the title, RACE. It's clever, because it's about a race, and a race. This movie is released in February, and everybody knows that only the best throwaway films are released this time of year. February is also Black History Month, which is a strange coincidence. I think RACE is a little too on the nose, titlewise. It should've been called: HITLER'S RACE.

Speaking Of Hitler

The main reason I wanted to watch this is for the fictitious Adolph Hitler. I pondered on all the possibilities. What's the mustache going look like? Real, fake, electrical tape, I don't know. Is he going to be cartoonish, like in the HEIL HONEY I'M HOME television show (yes, that was a real show). Hitler can be funny. One time, after eating a chocolate lava cake; inadvertently, I gave myself a little Hitler mustache. I wish I was lying, but I dealt with dozens of snickering customers that day, before a coworker finally pointed it out. But I digress. Anyway, would this be an alternate history film, where Jesse Owens shoots Hitler, before hijacking the Hindenburg? Sadly no. This Hitler did nothing interesting. He just sat there, glaring at Jesse Owens. I kind of feel cheated in a way. Hey filmmaker, why are you showing Hitler in the trailer, if he's not going to do anything cool.

The Movie Itself

RACE, the film, isn't terrible. Uneven? Absolutely. Well acted? Definitely. And while I enjoyed the last third of the film. The first two-thirds of the movie were just kind of...meh. Nothing exciting, just your not-so-typical athlete, overcoming adversity. I don't need to explain any further, you've all seen COOL RUNNINGS. But if you have money to throw away, go see RACE at a theater...and since you already get the gist of the movie, walk in around the two-thirds point of the film. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

SIDENOTE: DID YOU NOTICE THE LACK OF SPORTS CLICHÉS IN THE REVIEW? THERE WASN'T A 'DOWN THE FINAL STRETCH'; NOR 'WALK, DON'T RACE, TO SEE THIS FILM'. SORRY, I'M BABBLING ON SO MUCH. I GUESS I LOST TRACK OF TIME, AFTER MY PHOTO FINISH.

Anomalisa

ANOMALISA
R
90 Minutes
Writers: Charlie Kaufman
Director: Duke Johnson, Charlie Kaufman
David Thewlis, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Noonan

CAST
David Thewlis...Michael Stone
Jennifer Jason Leigh...Lisa Hesselman
Tom Noonan...Everyone Else

ANOMALISA is a stop-motion movie, about the desolation of life on the road; kind of like UP IN THE AIR. Except this film focuses on one character, Michael Stone. He's a customer service guru, author, and motivational speaker.

Because Tom Noonan plays most of the females in a male voice, I thought many of the females were transvestites. Which means Tom had a thing for pre-op females. It's a possible scenario, because none of the characters actually take their clothes off. But I'm most likely wrong. Just look at Eddie Murphy, he played many female characters in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys the company of transvestites. Besides, puppets don't really have a gender.

I've waited far too long for another Charlie Kaufman film to get made. But it's understandable. SYNEDOCHE was as ambitious as movies get. Exploring the entire human condition in a look two-hour film, is no easy task. And like SYNEDOCHE, so much effort was put into this ANOMALISA picture, that I suspect we'll be waiting many years for the next Kaufman movie.

If my review still hasn't persuaded you, you should still watch ANOMALISA, if only for the spectacular puppet love scene, rivaling that of TEAM AMERICA.

Final Verdict 98 out of 100

SIDENOTE: IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF CHARLIE KAUFMAN'S WORK, CHECK OUT THE EARLY 90S SITCOM, THE TROUBLE WITH LARRY. FEATURING BRONSON PINCHOT (BALKI), OF PERFECT STRANGERS FAME.