Equalizer II

EQUALIZER II
R
121 Minutes
Director: Antoine Fuqua
Writers: Richard Wenk, Michael Sloan, Richard Lindheim

CAST
Denzel Washington...Robert McCall
Pedro Pascal...Dave York
Ashton Sanders...Miles Whittaker
Orson Bean...Sam Rubinstein

I was in the mood to see Denzel kick some ass. And since I can't follow the man around, waiting for him to get into an altercation, watching EQUALIZER II is the next best thing.

EQUALIZER II is completely different from the first film. This time around, it's all about Denzel Washington. One day, he gets bored with the acting game, and becomes an 'equalizer', to help people for a change. It makes so much sense. Denzel has attained such a broad skill set from his previous roles as a boxer, a security guard, and all the various police/military officer characters... that he couldn't help but transform into an 'equalizer'. Any other life path would be unconscionable. That movie sounds cool, but it's obviously not this one. They wouldn't change the main character of a successful franchise, would they? Dwayne Johnson replaced Vin Diesel in FAST FIVE. Which means anything is possible, but I digress.

EQUALIZER II is like the first film, and that includes that stupid, blue, button-down shirt. This time around, Robert McCall drives a Lyft, instead of working for Home Mart. The only meaningful difference between this film and the first EQUALIZER is hair — Denzel has hair. Maybe Homer Simpson looks good with a bald head, but not Denzel Washington. It just makes the character look impotent. Like he's going through chemotherapy or something.

THE EQUALIZER franchise is based on a fair-to-midland TV show. So it's no minor miracle, that a movie adaptation, even one with so many flaws, is as good as it is. I don't remember much about this unremarkable, paint-by-the-numbers, action-thriller, but I do remember liking it...a little bit.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100

Spoiler alert: You already know that Denzel's character lives, because you don't write EQUALIZER II without having a rough outline of EQUALIZER III. My only concern is for his health. I don't want him to have a nervous breakdown...from the exertion of acting like a badass-looking, out of shape, middle-aged man.

The Shape of Water

THE SHAPE OF WATER
R
123 Minutes
Director: Guillermo del Toro
Writers: Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor
Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Michael Shannon

CAST
Sally Hawkins...Elisa Esposito
Michael Shannon...Richard Strickland
Richard Jenkins...Giles
Octavia Spencer...Zelda Fuller
Michael Stuhlbarg...Dr. Robert Hoffstetler
Doug Jones...Amphibian Man

It's difficult to watch movies about bizarre, misunderstood creatures. Which is why I avoid Gary Busey films. But seriously, go watch KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, or IRON GIANT. Preferably, later in the evening, otherwise your whole day will get ruined. Those movies are especially sad. With MARLEY AND ME, the dog dies, but at least Marley died surrounded by a loving family. King Kong dies Tupac-style, alone in a hail of gunfire, never to experience any of the love this world has to offer. THE SHAPE OF WATER is a different type of 'monster' movie. It posits that the real monster is...humanity. Just kidding, this review isn't about to get pretentious. Humans and a single, strange creature can live in harmony. Just look at ALF, or HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS. But once there's a group of strange creatures, like in ALIENATION, conflict ensues. Like confronting a coworker who keeps weird smelling food in the fridge at work. You try having that conversation, without sounding culturally insensitive. This is a film for those of us who would like monster movies, if it weren't for those callous, tragic endings.

The SHAPE OF WATER is about a strange amphibious creature. He's chained, and tortured in a government facility. Elisa Esposito is a mute woman, who is a janitor at this facility. She and Aquaman soon develop a secret friendship. Elisa has a plan to break him out. But things don't go so swimmingly. Because this monster is scheduled to get euthanized in the near future. That's all you need to know.

I remember reading about a scientist that slept with dolphins in the 60s, and by slept, I mean had sex with. Humans can't sleep in the water, and as far as I know, she didn't boink dolphins, in the plural sense. She remained monogamous to 'Peter', but who knows for sure, dolphins all look the same. In this film, Guillermo del Toro celebrates bestiality. It's not looked at as something icky, shameful, or questionably consensual. They didn't get into the mechanics of intercourse between the two, but I assume it's the way Chris Farley, and Connie did it in CONEHEADS; with rings on their heads.

Aside from the story, it's the actors that make this movie particularly enjoyable. I like Sally Hawkins more than most people, because I think she's the character from HAPPY GO LUCKY, and she's not that character. The same goes for Michael Stuhlbarg. I like him, but only because he played a psychopath on an episode of LAW AND ORDER:CI. I enjoyed watching Michael Shannon, because he looks like Bill Hader. Who knows, maybe they're the same person. Like a Andy Kauffman/Tony Clifton situation. I'm on to you...Michael Hader. And as for Doug Jones, I liked him better on TWIN PEAKS.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100