Bart: You know how they say most people use 10% of their brain?
Lisa: Yeah?
Bart: Well now, I'm one of them!
-The Simpsons, Episode AABF22, "Brother's Little Helper"
This film is about a genius writer, who is having trouble finishing a project. You see, he is trying to finish a movie review, in a film starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro...Ha-ha-ha, not really.
Eddie Morra (Cooper) is burnout writer, which is a bit of stretch for Brad Cooper, but he managed just fine. He has a serious case of writers block. On top of that, he long time girlfriend dumps him. It was a day that couldn't get much worse.
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Cedar Rapids
A good comedy does two things: makes you laugh, and it makes you cry, from laughing so hard.
I literally choked on some skittles, at one point.
Tim Lippe was born and raised in the fictional town of Brown Valley, Wisconsin. He has never left the state of Wisconsin. Both of his parents died when he was 16. Tim was on his own, and needed to support himself. Brown Valley is a tight knight, supportive community. The owner, Bill Krogsdad (Root), extended a helping hand, and hired Tim to do light clerical work for Brown Star Insurance. Soon after, he got bumped up to an insurance adjuster.
One of Tim’s colleagues dies David Carradine style, in a erotic asphyxiation accident (There were only three people in the movie theater, and I was only person laughing). This colleague has been the top dog; winning three double diamond awards, three years in a row. These are awarded by an insurance industry organization, comprised of a handful of companies in the Wisconsin-Minnesota region.
This involves traveling to Cedar Rapids, for an insurance industry conference. He is a passionate and dedicated insurance adjuster. Tim Lippe is a noble man. A man that believes he is really making a difference. He is the 'Hank Hill' of insurance adjusters.
Upon arriving at the hotel, Tim is approached by a prostitute. She asks him for a light. He admits that he doesn’t smoke, but instead offers butterscotch candy. She suggests the two of them should 'party' later on. In further interactions between the two, she uses butterscotch as a term of endearment.
Walking into his hotel room, Tim Freaks freaks out. It appears he shares a room with an ‘Afro-American’.
Dean Ziegler (Reilly) is undoubtedly, the funniest character. He is a loud ,obnoxious jerk, and has a bit of a drinking problem. A recently divorced guy, married for 17 years, but at least one of those years was good. In spite of all this, deep down he is a decent person. Dean has been in the insurance ‘game’ for twenty years.
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The Adjustment Bureau
“Most people are like a falling leaf that drifts and turns in the air, flutters, and falls to the ground. But a few others are like stars which travel one defined path: no wind reaches them, they have within themselves their guide and path.”
-Herman Hesse, Siddhartha
I didn’t think it was possible: Matt Damon is in a movie that does not take place in Boston. There is a scene, where you can actually see him running in Yankee Stadium. I have been looking forward to watching this movie for quite some time.
You don’t have to be an overgrown man-child to enjoy them. David Norris (Damon) is young congressman from New York. He is the clear front runner for a seat in the senate. That is, until an em-bare-ass-ing college reunion stunt, was caught on video. This leads to his constituents having serious doubts about his maturity. Norris loses the election by a wide margin. Later on, we see the congressman practicing his concession speech in a hotel bathroom. He discovers a woman named Elise (Blunt), hiding out in a stall. (Elise acts like a young Kate Winslett.) Security officers were after her, after she crashed a wedding. They really hit it off immediately, 60 seconds later, they're making out in the bathroom. One of his campaign aids caught the two of them. Elise ran off quickly when a security guard caught up with her.
After a long campaign run, David had to work at a real job. He has a morning routine of getting a cup of coffee, and riding the bus to work. David was supposed to spill his coffee on his shirt. In doing so, he interfered with plan the Adjustment Bureau set out for him. Instead, he runs into Elise, which was followed by a very lovely conversation. She gave David her phone number on a business card.
David shows up for work in the morning. Walking quickly, he greets coworkers. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Those weren't his coworkers. They were just realistic looking manikins. He notices something is amiss. This is where Roger Sterling Richardson (Slatterly) and his team of goons show up and chase after him. They suffocate him with a chloroformed rag . Moments later, Norris is in a chair, in an empty room, surrounded by members of the Adjustment Bureau. The business card with Elise's phone number is ripped up. They tell him to keep his mouth shut and to forget about this girl he met. Matt Damon’s character is bright and resourceful, and is no match for the Adjustment Bureau.
He notices Elise three years later, on his bus route to work. He tells the driver to stop, David steps off the bus and hustles after her. He told her that he lost her phone number. She listened to him, with an incredulous look on her face. Davis told her that he has been riding the same bus for three years, in the hopes of eventually spotting here. She didn't get any creepy, stalker vibe from that story. Elise found the story charming and sweet. This is the beginning of a lifelong relationship.
The Bureau interferes with the lives of people. They are the people that nudge individuals back on 'plan'. This Bureaucracy reminiscent of the one seen in the Mel Brooks picture, Defending Your Life. The Adjustment Bureau is organized like a large governmental agency. Members of the Bureau do not have a full understanding of what is actually going on. Not one member of the Adjustment Bureau seems completely omnipotent. In fact, the entire organization seems all too human. Second in command, Thompson (Stamp), is a stern, no-nonsense, authoritative man. A Robert Stack-like character, you know he means business. The man on the top of this organizational hierarchy is called “The Chairman”. The identity of “The Chairman” is never revealed. For all I know, it could be George Burns, Morgan Freeman, or even Arthur Fonzarelli.
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The Grace Card
“Strap on your seatbelt and brace yourself for one hell of a ride.”
-Roger Ebert
No, Roger Ebert didn’t really say that. This movie was never screened for critics. Which makes this review all the more important. I watched a preview of The Grace Card the other day. I couldn’t determine what this movie was actually about. It looked cheesy and sentimental. I knew I paid money for something that will eventually be played on the Hallmark Channel. It’s full of unpaid ‘actors’ nobody would recognize. A $200,000 dollar budget.
Mac McDonald (Joiner) is a 17-year veteran of the Memphis police department. He joined the force after his son was ran over by fleeing suspect. He is a white man, with a wife and another (non-dead) son. He is always angry because he blames himself for his son’s death. He has lost his faith in God and has turned to the bottle.
Mac’s son is Blake. A 17-year old high school senior at a private school. He’s been slacking off lately, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and he’s up to no good. Mac discovers a pipe in Blake’s bedroom. Blake wanted a little financial help with purchasing a car. His father holds the pipe, and says something about having money to use this recreational vehicle. There was also a Doobie Brothers joke thrown in for good measure.
Sam Wright (Higgenbottom) looks and acts like a heavy-set Theo Huxtable. The type of guy you would see an Allstate Insurance commercial. Wright is a police officer and reverend at his own church. An upstanding man with no bad qualities, like Ned Flanders.
Mac and Sam become partners. Sam got promoted to Sergeant, much to the chagrin of Mac. Their professional relationship gets off to a rocky start. This is because… well you know why. You have all seen Lethal Weapon. They get along eventually …kind of.
Made the mistake of raising profound philosophical and theological questions. And pretending to address them. Additionally, The Grace Card addresses how difficult it is love the people we hate. It does not really talk about the process of forgiveness, or how it comes about.
There is a market for this type of picture. This movie just doesn't serve the intended audience very well.
The plot and characters are hackneyed and cliché. The acting is just awful. I found this movie hilarious in parts. It's like someone stole a (post-Jessica Biel) Seventh Heaven script and decided to extend it to 107 minutes.
Final Verdict: 35 out of 100
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Drive Angry will not be reviewed
I just could not bring myself to watch Drive Angry 3D. Nick Cage owes the IRS 14 million dollars. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Season of the Witch were absolutely unbearable. He does a decent movie once every seven years. Matchstick Men was last watchable movie he has made. My sincerest apologies.
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Big Momma’s House Like Father Like Son
Martin Lawerance
PG-13
100 minutes
Director: John Whitesell
'You're once, twice, three times a lady.' -Lionel Richie
“Third time's a charm”, is a popular American expression. It is rarely the case in movies. The third installment of The Godfather is nothing less than a complete abortion, comparatively speaking. Who would think that a cinematic gem like, Big Momma’s House, would spawn two further sequels.
I grew up watching Martin play ‘Sheneneh’ on television. It’s well within the grasp of Martin Lawrence to at least make the character of ‘Big Momma’ funny. Even if the movie isn’t all that good.
All of that is ancient history. Since the late 1990’s I have been....well I’d say disappointed, but I didn’t really expect him to make good movies. Unimpressed would be a more appropriate term.
I bought my first DVD player in the year 2000. Big Momma’s House was the first DVD that I bought. This is where I learned that superior image quality does not make a movie better. That is why I watched the latest installment of Big Momma’s House on the Internet.
Most bad movies don’t make money, and they don’t make sequels (or squeakquels). The Big Mama’s House travesty trilogy has made hundreds of millions of dollars. They are a few of the worst movies ever made.
A comparable example, The Santa Clause. They made three Santa Clause movies. About eight years ago, I took a long train ride. The Santa Clause 2 was playing on a constant loop. I literally, watched that movie eight times. I know I didn’t have to, but I didn’t really bring a book or anything. You’ll have to forgive me for going off on a tangent there.
The first two Big Momma’s House movies weren’t all that great. So what was I expecting? I was expecting a movie that was so bad, that was good. A film that didn’t take itself too seriously. I wanted a complete farce, with some unintentional satire. A movie as ridiculous as Black Knight. This movie is just plain awful...lly funny. Just kidding—it was terrible.
My bad, I just went on long diatribe there. I forgot to tell you about the movie’s plot. That’s probably because the writers of this movie forgot to include one. This is the absolute worst movie you are going watch in 2011.
Final Verdict: 20 out of 100
PS: I’m sick of watching bad movies. That’s why I’m going to be watching Drive Angry in 3D next.
Just Go With It
“Um... okay. How about this: Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a ...golden retriever, or something.”
-Eric Cartman
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Blue Valentine
“I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. Will it be yes or will it be sorry.”
-Paula Cole (Dawson’s Creek theme song)
Michelle Williams has come a long way since her days of playing ‘bad girl’ Jen Lindley: The girl who seemed to be in a perpetual drunken stupor. It seems like just yesterday I was watching this teen dramedy. Young adults grow up so fast.
Blue Valentine follows Cindy (Williams) and Dean (Gosling), a young married couple. The film cuts back and forth between the courtship process and the life they find themselves in just a few years later. This movie is about a relationship that deteriorates slowly over time.
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The Rite
“What the hell did I just watch?”
-Edward Dunn
Colin (O'Donoghue) grew up without a mother. His father, Istvan (Hauer) runs a funeral home from the house they reside in (similar to the situation in My Girl). Colin is an atheist who wants to be as far away as possible from all the creepiness. Naturally, he decides to become a seminary student. Long story short, Colin ends up in Rome for exorcism training.
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The King's Speech
Dramatic English films of the past few years have been long on acting and short on substance. The Queen is one of the more egregious examples. The British like their monarchy about as much as they like Oasis. Any boring film about the death of Princess Diana is going to get a free pass. I was surprised to find myself so thoroughly engrossed with this film. I would describe The King's Speech as smart, stylish and substantial. The main character's struggle is universal and inspirational. He has an embarrassing problem, one that is hard to come to terms with. Breaking through one of life's obstacles bravely, boldly and head on. One minor flaw with this movie is the characterization of Winston Churchill. It's a little one-dimensional and over the top. All in all, one of the better movies of 2010.
Final Verdict: 95 out of 100
(These past few reviews have been on high quality movies. 2010 was a great year for film, significantly better than 2009. That being said, I look forward to reviewing the new Big Mama's House when it comes out.)
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Somewhere
The story is familiar; a man who has everything and gets everything he wants, suddenly he finds his life boring, devoid of love and meaning. Johnny Marco (Dorf) is a well known actor. He drives a Lamborghini and this car symbolizes the bubble he lives in. His day consists of shallow interactions with opportunistic individuals. Drifting through life comfortably. With no real need to get his hands dirty. This guy seems kind of dead inside.
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True Grit
The Coen brothers rarely disappoint; this film is not one of those rare exceptions. The screenplay is based on a Charles Portis novel (True Grit).
Mattie Ross, a quick-witted and obstinate 14 year old girl (Steinfeld), hires U.S. Marshal Reuben J. "Rooster" Cogburn (Bridges) to avenge the death of her father. LaBoeuf (Damon) is a bumbling inept Texas ranger. Tom Chaney (Brolin), is the man both Ross and LaBoeuf are after. Ross, Cogburn and LaBoeuf worked together through much of the movie.
The Coen brothers did not write this story, but it is no coincidence that this film shares common themes with some of their previous works.
“Well, all the time you spend trying to get back what's been took from you, more is going out the door. After a while, you have to try to get a tourniquet on it... You can't stop what's coming. It ain't all waiting on you. That's vanity.”
-No Country for Old Men (2007)
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stoplight
I was at the stop light today, I turn on the radio to kube and start bobbing my head like i´m really into the song, in an exaggerated comical fashion. Then this 4 runner full of people pulls right beside me laughing there asses off. I then proceeded to give them a thumbs up. Did they know I was joking? Either way its pretty funny. Perhaps they will realize how ridiculous peoples´ values actually are. A chuckle and an epiphany for them I suppose. This pretentious blog entry is over.
peace
Ed aka
Eazy-e aka
Heineken
7
chester
The Human Conditon
The story follows the life of Kaji (Tatsuya Nakadai, Seven Samurai), a pacifist, and a fierce egalitarian. He marries his long time girlfriend, Michiko (Michiyo Aratama). Kaji is offered and reluctantly accepts a management position, at a mine in Japanese-colonized Manchuria (with a military exemption). At the mine, he is put in charge of Chinese POWs. These prisoners provide slave labor for the mining operation. His superiors and coworkers believe that he is a little too nice to the prisoners. Kaji manages to meet quotas in spite of what everyone else thinks. Eventually, he gets blamed for letting prisoners escape at night. It seems his coworkers are conspiring with the Chinese prisoners in a rather profitable venture. Some of Kaji's workers are falsely accused of trying to escape. In a matter of moments, Kaji ends up getting shipped off for mandatory military service.
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Hellboy 2
Hellboy and his buddies have to save the world from an underground race of beings. I'm not going to get into the plot because its fairly complicated.
Hellboy 2 had a solid director and visually this movie was quite impressive. Plain and simple, the movie was boring. The script, the dialog/relationships between the characters were pedestrian, trite, and unimaginative. I'd had no reason to care about these characters. The entire movie, the audience is well aware that all these characters are going to be unharmed and everything will be back to normal once they beat the bad guys (without much struggle). Conflict is the essence of any story, but this movie lacked anything of the sort.
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Rockin' Nut Road Snickers and Tim McGraw's Spicy Jalapeno Fritos
There are three possible ratings subpar, par, and über par.
Rockin' Nut Road Snickers- Repugnant would be an understatement. This candy bar is nothing short of atrocious. I feel like the Mars Corporation has personally assaulted me with this cornucopia of complete crap. After eating this, the only thing rocky I experienced was the road to recovery.
Rating: Subpar
Tim McGraw's Spicy Jalapeno Fritos- These are pretty much what you would expect. They are better than regular fritos. Not as good as Chili Cheese Fritos. The gold standard for chips is Salsa Verde Doritos. Needless to say, these fall short of that gold standard.
Rating: Par
Horton Hears a Who
An elephant discovers that there is an entire world living on a piece of pollen. He goes on a journey to find a proper home for these tiny people, on top of a mountain. The mayor of the tiny world and the elephant communicate back and forth. They both tell everyone of this, and everyone seems to accuse them of being crazy lunatics.
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90210
ever notice on 90210 dylan's dad (josh taylor, you know he was the dad on the hogan family, that show with micheal bateman, i mean jason bateman) died in a car bomb, then on graduation day dylan saw his dad in ghost form. Then during season 10 dylan's dad appears out of nowhere, apparently he assumed a false identity under the witness protection program (because some mob bosses were after him). there's no way that could have been the writers insulting the intellegence of the viewer. i could not live in such a world. so like was Jack McKay's ghost real or not. how can some one be dead, alive and fictional all at the same time? ya know thats some deep existenstial shit. really blows my mind
The Savages
The Savages
R
113 minutes
Laura Linney
Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Philip Bosco
Wendy and John Savage are siblings (Laura Linney and Phillip Seymour Hoffman), they live in New York and Buffalo, respectively. Lenny Savage (Philip Basco), their long estranged father, lives in Sun City, Arizona. Lenny's girlfriend dies and her family kicks him out of her house, primarily for his bizarre behavior. Wendy and John are left taking care of Lenny, eventually they find out he is dying of Parkinson's. They decide to place him an assisted living facility in Buffalo.
Wendy and John are having to live their lives outside of all of this. Wendy is an aspiring playwright with a regular day job. She is the paramour of a married man named Larry. Some drama occurs between her and Larry, which really did not add or take way anything from the film. John is a theater professor, in the middle of writing a book dealing with Bertolt Brecht. He has a girlfriend from Poland, that is until her visa expires. John's problems seem to stem from intellectualizing and suppressing his emotions. Character development is wonderful, you can actually see the metamorphosis of Wendy and John into well-rounded fully-functional adults.
The literary references are a tad esoteric, which some may interpret as pedantic or elitist. The references are completely relevant to the film though, and are not used to obfuscate a lack of content (Matt Damon, Goodwill Hunting). The writer/director of the film (Tamara Jenkins) made a charming, witty and thoroughly engaging film. It's not a snooty avant-garde film, but still there is no denying that it won't appeal to everyone.
Final Verdict: 92 out of a possible 100.
Sidenote: I don't really want to review Michael Clayton. All I can say is its barely good enough for me to recommend.
Rambo 4
RAMBO (4) 1 hr 33 mins
R
Sylvester Stallone
"Fuck the world" -John Rambo
This film really takes me back to a time when I'd watch Rambo marathons on the USA network, as a young lad. I went to the first midnight showing of this movie, trembling with anticipation. The people in the theater were also die hard Rambo fans, cheering and such during the opening credits ("yeah Rambo") and applauding at the end.
John Rambo and some mercenaries go to save missionaries who are captured by the Myanmaran (Burmese) army. Its fairly obvious how events are going to unfold.
There is no heavy metal rock to go along with all the shooting, which would be incredibly crass. Instead, a more generic sounding, slow tempo, symphonic soundtrack (brass and strings).
Stallone is looking really old and haggard, not to mention burnt out. It makes it hard to separate John Rambo from said actor portraying him. Is John Rambo sick of everything, or is Stallone sick of his own life?
I wouldn't have liked this movie if it didn't take itself so seriously. The shameless use of bad action movie cliches. Realistic, yet cartoonish blood and gore of epic proportions, beyond anything I've seen in the last ten years.
David Morrell (All four Rambo films), Sly Stallone, and Art Monterastelli (Seaquest) prepared this smorges board of carnage, brilliance, and pure delight. So drop what your doing, and see this movie right now, so you can honor this distinguished thespian, we call Sylvester Stallone, while he's still with us.
Final Verdict: 98 out of possible 100
Sidenote: Stallone is filming a movie on 2pac and Biggie (Notorious (2008)). To be released in March. No word on that sequal to Over the Top.