“Let your plans be dark and as impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Call the Guinness World Book of Records, this is the maximum amount of time Matthew McConaughey has appeared on screen with a shirt.
This is the role Matthew McConaughey was made for. A phony, dooshy criminal lawyer. I keep hearing that this his best film in years, but make no mistake, there is no way it can compare with, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
Typically, criminal lawyers don't make a ton of money. This man is different. Mickey does his share of flattery, fibbing, and telling bold face lies. Even without the legal background, this man could almost get by on charm alone. This is all done for a greater good...that being his bank account. As a master of deception and duplicity, Mickey is a force to be reckoned with. And I'm not talking about people getting lost in his eyes.
One of his clients, Louis Roulet (Phillippe), is a wealthy, 32 year old playboy. He's accused of murdering a prostitute. At first glance, it looks like he is framed. It looks like a very open and shut case, until he discovers his client is pure evil. Mickey and Louis, two ruthless men, battling one another in the supreme court of life.
A vast conspiracy unfolds, one that comes close to consuming Mickey. A conspiracy that flirts with ridiculousness, but nonetheless, an intriguing one.
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Cobra
The cobra roaming around th Bronx is lethal. A human being could die in a few hours, after being bitten by one. And it's a very painful death. It's almost as painful watching the movie Cobra.
Myspace blogs
I posted the archives of a previous blog on myspace. I wrote these from 2006 to 2008. The myspace page was a fake Louie Anderson profile for part of that time. These blogs are not all movie reviews, or even reviews, for that matter. I left everything in tact, including: spelling errors, clichés, platitudes, incorrect grammar, my less than comprehensive understanding of Brechtian epic theatre, callous/insensitive remarks, soliloquies, bad jokes, non-sequiturs, Luke Perry references, and puns. Some entries are less than stellar. Most of them, I knocked out of the park.
Limitless
Bart: You know how they say most people use 10% of their brain?
Lisa: Yeah?
Bart: Well now, I'm one of them!
-The Simpsons, Episode AABF22, "Brother's Little Helper"
This film is about a genius writer, who is having trouble finishing a project. You see, he is trying to finish a movie review, in a film starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro...Ha-ha-ha, not really.
Eddie Morra (Cooper) is burnout writer, which is a bit of stretch for Brad Cooper, but he managed just fine. He has a serious case of writers block. On top of that, he long time girlfriend dumps him. It was a day that couldn't get much worse.
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Cedar Rapids
A good comedy does two things: makes you laugh, and it makes you cry, from laughing so hard.
I literally choked on some skittles, at one point.
Tim Lippe was born and raised in the fictional town of Brown Valley, Wisconsin. He has never left the state of Wisconsin. Both of his parents died when he was 16. Tim was on his own, and needed to support himself. Brown Valley is a tight knight, supportive community. The owner, Bill Krogsdad (Root), extended a helping hand, and hired Tim to do light clerical work for Brown Star Insurance. Soon after, he got bumped up to an insurance adjuster.
One of Tim’s colleagues dies David Carradine style, in a erotic asphyxiation accident (There were only three people in the movie theater, and I was only person laughing). This colleague has been the top dog; winning three double diamond awards, three years in a row. These are awarded by an insurance industry organization, comprised of a handful of companies in the Wisconsin-Minnesota region.
This involves traveling to Cedar Rapids, for an insurance industry conference. He is a passionate and dedicated insurance adjuster. Tim Lippe is a noble man. A man that believes he is really making a difference. He is the 'Hank Hill' of insurance adjusters.
Upon arriving at the hotel, Tim is approached by a prostitute. She asks him for a light. He admits that he doesn’t smoke, but instead offers butterscotch candy. She suggests the two of them should 'party' later on. In further interactions between the two, she uses butterscotch as a term of endearment.
Walking into his hotel room, Tim Freaks freaks out. It appears he shares a room with an ‘Afro-American’.
Dean Ziegler (Reilly) is undoubtedly, the funniest character. He is a loud ,obnoxious jerk, and has a bit of a drinking problem. A recently divorced guy, married for 17 years, but at least one of those years was good. In spite of all this, deep down he is a decent person. Dean has been in the insurance ‘game’ for twenty years.
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The Adjustment Bureau
“Most people are like a falling leaf that drifts and turns in the air, flutters, and falls to the ground. But a few others are like stars which travel one defined path: no wind reaches them, they have within themselves their guide and path.”
-Herman Hesse, Siddhartha
I didn’t think it was possible: Matt Damon is in a movie that does not take place in Boston. There is a scene, where you can actually see him running in Yankee Stadium. I have been looking forward to watching this movie for quite some time.
You don’t have to be an overgrown man-child to enjoy them. David Norris (Damon) is young congressman from New York. He is the clear front runner for a seat in the senate. That is, until an em-bare-ass-ing college reunion stunt, was caught on video. This leads to his constituents having serious doubts about his maturity. Norris loses the election by a wide margin. Later on, we see the congressman practicing his concession speech in a hotel bathroom. He discovers a woman named Elise (Blunt), hiding out in a stall. (Elise acts like a young Kate Winslett.) Security officers were after her, after she crashed a wedding. They really hit it off immediately, 60 seconds later, they're making out in the bathroom. One of his campaign aids caught the two of them. Elise ran off quickly when a security guard caught up with her.
After a long campaign run, David had to work at a real job. He has a morning routine of getting a cup of coffee, and riding the bus to work. David was supposed to spill his coffee on his shirt. In doing so, he interfered with plan the Adjustment Bureau set out for him. Instead, he runs into Elise, which was followed by a very lovely conversation. She gave David her phone number on a business card.
David shows up for work in the morning. Walking quickly, he greets coworkers. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Those weren't his coworkers. They were just realistic looking manikins. He notices something is amiss. This is where Roger Sterling Richardson (Slatterly) and his team of goons show up and chase after him. They suffocate him with a chloroformed rag . Moments later, Norris is in a chair, in an empty room, surrounded by members of the Adjustment Bureau. The business card with Elise's phone number is ripped up. They tell him to keep his mouth shut and to forget about this girl he met. Matt Damon’s character is bright and resourceful, and is no match for the Adjustment Bureau.
He notices Elise three years later, on his bus route to work. He tells the driver to stop, David steps off the bus and hustles after her. He told her that he lost her phone number. She listened to him, with an incredulous look on her face. Davis told her that he has been riding the same bus for three years, in the hopes of eventually spotting here. She didn't get any creepy, stalker vibe from that story. Elise found the story charming and sweet. This is the beginning of a lifelong relationship.
The Bureau interferes with the lives of people. They are the people that nudge individuals back on 'plan'. This Bureaucracy reminiscent of the one seen in the Mel Brooks picture, Defending Your Life. The Adjustment Bureau is organized like a large governmental agency. Members of the Bureau do not have a full understanding of what is actually going on. Not one member of the Adjustment Bureau seems completely omnipotent. In fact, the entire organization seems all too human. Second in command, Thompson (Stamp), is a stern, no-nonsense, authoritative man. A Robert Stack-like character, you know he means business. The man on the top of this organizational hierarchy is called “The Chairman”. The identity of “The Chairman” is never revealed. For all I know, it could be George Burns, Morgan Freeman, or even Arthur Fonzarelli.
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The Grace Card
“Strap on your seatbelt and brace yourself for one hell of a ride.”
-Roger Ebert
No, Roger Ebert didn’t really say that. This movie was never screened for critics. Which makes this review all the more important. I watched a preview of The Grace Card the other day. I couldn’t determine what this movie was actually about. It looked cheesy and sentimental. I knew I paid money for something that will eventually be played on the Hallmark Channel. It’s full of unpaid ‘actors’ nobody would recognize. A $200,000 dollar budget.
Mac McDonald (Joiner) is a 17-year veteran of the Memphis police department. He joined the force after his son was ran over by fleeing suspect. He is a white man, with a wife and another (non-dead) son. He is always angry because he blames himself for his son’s death. He has lost his faith in God and has turned to the bottle.
Mac’s son is Blake. A 17-year old high school senior at a private school. He’s been slacking off lately, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and he’s up to no good. Mac discovers a pipe in Blake’s bedroom. Blake wanted a little financial help with purchasing a car. His father holds the pipe, and says something about having money to use this recreational vehicle. There was also a Doobie Brothers joke thrown in for good measure.
Sam Wright (Higgenbottom) looks and acts like a heavy-set Theo Huxtable. The type of guy you would see an Allstate Insurance commercial. Wright is a police officer and reverend at his own church. An upstanding man with no bad qualities, like Ned Flanders.
Mac and Sam become partners. Sam got promoted to Sergeant, much to the chagrin of Mac. Their professional relationship gets off to a rocky start. This is because… well you know why. You have all seen Lethal Weapon. They get along eventually …kind of.
Made the mistake of raising profound philosophical and theological questions. And pretending to address them. Additionally, The Grace Card addresses how difficult it is love the people we hate. It does not really talk about the process of forgiveness, or how it comes about.
There is a market for this type of picture. This movie just doesn't serve the intended audience very well.
The plot and characters are hackneyed and cliché. The acting is just awful. I found this movie hilarious in parts. It's like someone stole a (post-Jessica Biel) Seventh Heaven script and decided to extend it to 107 minutes.
Final Verdict: 35 out of 100
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Drive Angry will not be reviewed
I just could not bring myself to watch Drive Angry 3D. Nick Cage owes the IRS 14 million dollars. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Season of the Witch were absolutely unbearable. He does a decent movie once every seven years. Matchstick Men was last watchable movie he has made. My sincerest apologies.