Cloud Atlas

CLOUD ATLAS
PG-13
165 Minutes
Directors: Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
Writers: David Mitchell, Lana Wachowski, Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski
Tom Hanks, Susan Sarandon, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent

Cast (I know it's a mess, but that's not my fault.)

Tom Hanks... Dr. Henry Goose / Hotel Manager / Isaac Sachs / Dermot Hoggins / Cavendish Look-a-Like Actor / Zachry
Halle Berry... Native Woman / Jocasta Ayrs / Luisa Rey / Indian Party Guest / Ovid / Meronym
Jim Broadbent ... Captain Molyneux / Vyvyan Ayrs / Timothy Cavendish / Korean Musician / Prescient 2
Hugo Weaving... Haskell Moore / Tadeusz Kesselring / Bill Smoke / Nurse Noakes / Boardman Mephi / Old Georgie
Jim Sturgess... Adam Ewing / Poor Hotel Guest / Megan's Dad / Highlander / Hae-Joo Chang / Adam / Zachry Brother-in-Law
Doona Bae ... Tilda / Megan's Mom / Mexican Woman / Sonmi-451 / Sonmi-351 / Sonmi Prostitute
Ben Whishaw ... Cabin Boy / Robert Frobisher / Store Clerk / Georgette / Tribesman
Keith David... Kupaka / Joe Napier / An-kor Apis / Prescient
James D'Arcy... Young Rufus Sixsmith / Old Rufus Sixsmith / Nurse James / Archivist
Xun Zhou... Talbot / Hotel Manager / Yoona-939 / Rose
David Gyasi ... Autua / Lester Rey / Duophsyte
Susan Sarandon... Madame Horrox / Older Ursula / Yusouf Suleiman / Abbess
Hugh Grant... Rev. Giles Horrox / Hotel Heavy / Lloyd Hooks / Denholme Cavendish / Seer Rhee / Kona Chief

This is a complex story, far too difficult for me to summarize with words, due to personal laziness. Nonetheless, I will review this random collection of sights and sounds, called CLOUD ATLAS.

There are 6 intertwined stories. From the mid 19th century to 2144. Most of the actors play 6 different characters from different eras.  The make up is done so well, that this cost-cutting measure is barely noticeable.

If I eat breakfast at Denny's, I won't be disappointed with my food. Because my expectations were low to begin with. Halle Berry and Hugh Grant are different, they aren't a couple of 'Grand Slams' (in both senses of that term). All they've done, thus far, is shoot par on their own course. Even if it's just by accident, they will eventually give a passable performance. And so, this eventuality has now become a reality. They gave us something passable; CLOUD ATLAS is their magnus opus...wait...I meant magna opera, that's the correct plural form of magnus opus...my bad.

I'm not saying CLOUD ATLAS is good because of Berry and Grant, but rather it's good despite their presence; it's only a coincidence. The missing variable is Tom Hanks. He's like that lemon slice you use to make Miller High Life more palatable. This 'Bosom Buddy' can make less-than-stellar actors look good. There are limits, though. All the Tom Hanks in the world, won't make Gary Busey look good, or human for that matter.

Some may not care for how long the movie is, or its erratic narrative. I could say, I found it deep and profound. But I can't anticipate your reaction. Who knows? Perhaps the film's message will fall upon deaf ears. It's really not my place to be so judgmental.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Christmas in Compton

CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON
93 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Raynr
Writers: Suzanne Broderick, Robert Fedor
Sheryl Lee Ralph, Keith David, Omar Gooding

 ...let me read you this one
Christmas in Compton
it was a silent night,
yes a holy night
until Mr. Claus turned into Santa
muthafuckin' right?
-MERRY MUTHAFUCKIN' X-MAS, EAZY-E

CAST
Porscha Coleman...Kendra  Campbell
Keith David ... Big Earl
Omar Gooding ...Derrick Hollander

I don't see what could go wrong. Combining two things I love: G-Funk and Christmas. Like at the grocery store, DiGornio pizza is sometimes packaged with chocolate chip cookies, so you don't have to burn empty calories, walking to separate isles trying to put a complete meal together.

I have this image of Eazy-E. Someone discovers his memoirs. And in the middle of that Trapper Keeper, there's an unfinished screenplay. Entitled, 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON'. This movie would be about robbing liquor stores to help pay for expensive AIDS drugs.

In the City...City of Compton

Compton is not a real city, it only exists in rap lyrics. To my chagrin, the title 'CHRISTMAS IN COMPTON', is a misnomer, and a marketing gimmick. No member of NWA, The Dogg Pound Gang, or Death Row Records, had any involvement with this film.  And my childhood fantasy of a AK's, Ol' English, and Santa delivering presents in a cherry '64; will always be, just that, a fantasy.

Keith David is a B+ actor. He's that guy you would mistake with the clerk on NIGHT COURT, Charles Robinson. Although now, there is probably less confusion, as NIGHT COURT'S popularity has waned considerably, following its cancellation.

A Wild and Crazy Kid

Closing in on 40; Omar Gooding is gotten away with playing the same character for 20 years. To his credit, he has aged more gracefully than other Nickelodeon game show hosts. Such as, Mark Summers and Mike O'Malley.

I Don't Like to Dream About Getting Paid

This film center on Derek Hollander is an amateur music producer. Who has a grand dream of becoming wealthy enough to get straight out of Compton forever.  Meanwhile, he's working at his dad's Christmas tree stand. Just to clarify, they sell Christmas trees there. It's not a business that sells a single Christmas tree stand.

Bah! Humbug!

Every bad Christmas movie ends the same way. The main character screws up, disappointing everyone in his life. But just in the 'Saint Nick' of time, he makes up for his wrongdoing, by way of a miracle. And now, everyone is better off than they would have been, had this parasite not coming to their lives.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Red Dawn

RED DAWN
PG-13
114 Minutes
Director: David Bradley
Writers: Carl Ellsworth, Jeremy Passmore, Kevin Reynolds, John Milius
Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, Erica Martin, Jed Eckert, Dan Lewis

Who is that handsome devil? It's local TV anchor, Dan Lewis. The picture is from LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT (2002). Another acting role of his. Cast
Josh Peck...Matt Eckert
Josh Hutcherson...Robert Kitner
Isabel Lucas...Erica Martin
Chris Hemsworth...Jed Eckert

Sometimes, remaking a bad movie works out.  If expectations are low to begin with, success is all but inevitable.

RED DAWN has sat on the shelf for about 2 years. The film makers were waiting for the right time to release it. But there is no right time to release this blitzkrieg on my intellectual faculties.

Walking in, all I wanted from this movie, was to see some communists get blown up. Not that terrorism is something to make light of. It's funny, but not ha-ha funny, more of a 'freaking hilarious' type funny. After his death, Kim Jong Il's brother, Menta Lee took power. And this time... it's 'no more Mr. Nice Guy'.

In this latest RED DAWN, Patrick Swayze was nowhere to be seen.  This alone is blasphemous beyond comprehension. I know he's dead, but it's no coincidence that they waited until the one, Sir Patrick Swayze was gone before starting this project. I'm not certain, it could very well be a coincidence, but maybe not. All I know is Jesse Ventura has an answer.

If I were North Korea, and planned on invading America, Spokane would be low on my list of places to make base camp. I might avoid the city altogether. They already have it bad enough living in Spokane. This  communism thing isn't for everyone.

Josh Peck usually plays dorky characters. Here he's playing a high school quarterback. Even though Josh lost a bunch of weight. He still doesn't look like much of an athlete. Not a major flaw, but it's like Sly Stallone playing a physics professor at MIT.

For those of you unfamiliar with Josh Peck. He was on the Nickelodeon sitcom, JOSH AND DRAKE (2004-2007). I'm basing this on exhaustive research. Not that I'm a regular watcher of Nickelodeon...anymore...this week.

In the original RED DAWN (1984), everything is far-fetched, but at least with the Soviets, you know they were a worthy adversary. With the North Koreans, you mostly pity them. China invading the United States, that's something that will definitely happen eventually. A Chinese invasion scenario would've made a better movie. Chinese stereotypes are funnier, and they would appeal more to RED DAWN'S target demographic: 13-year old boys with learning disabilities.

This is a bad movie remake that took itself way too seriously. Usually, I would advise against watching a movie like this. But not this time. Rent this movie, look at the special features, and you may see the real ending they forgot to put in the theatrical release.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

Skyfall

SKYFALL
PG-13
143 Minutes
Director: Sam Mendes
Writers: Neal Purvis, Robert Wade, John Logan, Ian Fleming
Daniel Cwraig, Javier Bardem, Naomie Harris

'Sometimes the old ways are the best.' -Movie Dialogue

CAST
Daniel Craig ... James Bond
Judi Dench ... M
Javier Bardem ... Silva Naomie Harris ... Eve
Wolf Blitzer ... Situation Room Corespondant

A complex plot, I won't bore you with the details; as I'm piecing this review together with only the theatrical trailer and interviews with the people involved with SKYFALL. All you need to know is a professional hit man (not the wrestler) killed a colleague and now it's time for the perpetrator to die hard with a vengeance.

Yes, this is one more action movie involving computer hacking, and decrypted Excel spreadsheets. But it's not as boring as it sounds.

SKYFALL takes a more serious tone than earlier Bond films. This time around, we find out much more about James Bond the character, and his past.

It took many a year, but Agent Constant Drinking has finally caught up with James Bond. But he's still up to the task.

Additionally, M's superiors are trying to make her voluntarily retire. Throughout her long tumultuous career she's carelessly endangered the lives of many her agents, and now she must answer for her many transgressions.

Just because someone is 'chronologically challenged', doesn't mean they can't do the same things a younger person can ... in a way that is much less efficient.

No one is getting fired or forced into early retirement. The only termination that's going on is those of other people's lives.

Call Christopher Walken and have him give his creepiest guy in the world...I mean creepiest Bond villain trophy to this guy. The actor who portrays the villain in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is in this. Here, he's just as creepy...well maybe not. It's tough to compete with that guy.

Daniel Craig has only been in three of these Bond films. After the next  couple of 007 movies. I imagine Daniel Craig will want to play other roles; like former James Bond actor in a Gray Goose Vodka commercial.

If I may address one complaint. After Eve almost kills him with a sniper rifle, Bond later goes on to say, 'you gave it your best shot'. It's bad writing, and it's bad comedy, no excuses.  This is a legitimate criticism, and not just a pot shot.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Here Comes The Boom

HERE COMES THE BOOM PG 105 Minutes Director: Frank Coraci Writers: Kevin James, Rock Reuben, Allan Loeb Kevin James, Henry Winkler, Salma Hayek CAST Kevin James...Scott Boom Salma Hayek...Bella Flores Henry Winkler...Marty Streb Greg Germann...Principal Betcher Joe Rogan...Himself

People are always bad mouthing PAUL BLART. I say it doesn’t get enough credit. In the previews, it looked awful, but it’s a solid C- film. So I gave this movie a chance, and I left the theater completely devastated.

The film unfolded like an episode of KING OF QUEENS; except with the sitcom, you can hear laughter in the background.

I know this sounds like that movie WARRIOR. Unlike WARRIOR, the face of MMA, and miscellaneous douchary, Joe Rogaine…I mean Rogan, is in this one.

I used most of my UFC jokes on that WARRIOR movie. But I haven’t used those KFC jokes yet. Kevin James lost 80 pounds to play an out-of-shape, high school biology teacher.

Mr. Boom is a science teacher. A budget shortfall might end all extracurricular activities. He needs to solve this. Boom used to wrestle in high school. Naturally, he assumes entering an MMA competition would be the best way to fix this budget issue. So every day after school, Jackie Chan gives him the martial arts training he so badly needs.

Hot For (a) Teacher

Scott is an astute character. He knows Salma Hayek is far enough past her prime, where a high school teacher could easily date her.

You got to have some contrived conflict between the romantic interest and another woman. But that never happens. HERE COMES THE BOOM is too good for such clichés, and coherent plot lines.

Henry Winkler is good, he’s always at least tolerable, even in bad films. Just once, it would be nice to see him as “The Fonz” again, like an adult, Principal “Fonz” that sleeps with all the female faculty members. I’m including the unattractive ones as well. Because, well, he’s just that kind of guy.

Scott’s opponent had the same entrance music: “HERE COMES THE BOOM”…AWK-WERD… It goes against the general etiquette practiced in the Mixed Martial Arts world. The other guy knew the song didn’t belong to him. It’s kind of like two women wearing the same dress before fighting each other in the octagon.

Who’s the Voss?

I almost forgot. His real last name isn’t Boom. It’s Voss, but does it really matter? I was half-expecting a character name so lazy and on-the-nose it might as well explain the whole plot. That kind of lazy writing is definitely plausible, but it’s really more the domain of Tyler Perry.

I’d say they intentionally tried to make a bad movie, but that would have required some forethought.

Final Verdict: 30 out of 100