Bullet To The Head

BULLET TO THE HEAD
R
92 Minutes
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Alessandro Camon, Alexis Nolent
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Cast
Sylvester Stallone--James Bonomo
Sung Kang--Taylor Kwon
Christian Slater--Marcus Baptiste
'Mr. Eko' from LOST-- Robert Nkomo Morel

Movie Quote...

Sung Lang: Are you fucking insane? You don't just kill a guy like this...
James Bonomo: I just did.

Stallone and Kang: in the unlikeliest comedy duo since TANGO AND CASH. No wait, I think David Duke and Malcom X would be the unlikeliest comedy duo. But strictly speaking, this film isn't a comedy, or at least an intentional one.

Brains and brawn, beauty and the geek. One's clean-cut and the other's rough around the edges.

You might think this looks like an Owen Wilson-Jackie Chan-type duo. But you'd be wrong. I think one could argue, with the criminal-cop dynamic, and the racial clash, Bonomo and Kwon, are most like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 HOURS.

    'That's all we expect of man, this side the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.'
    -Robert Browning quoted at the beginning of GET CARTER (2000)
 
James Bonomo, part Rocky, part Rambo, part...just doesn't give a shit. By all appearances, this man is an honest criminal. But he's sees himself as an irredeemable nogoodnic, who no longer wants to be bothered.
 
You've seen this movie before. There's an investigation, police corruption, internal affairs gets involved, the police chief knows what's really going on, and is in on everything. Stallone's 'kind-of adopted' daughter, gets taken hostage in a large industrial building. The only thing you couldn't see coming was the axe fight (the tool, not the spray).
 
Sly has never looked this good, or good, period. But it looks like he's taking care of himself, with the HGH, and all. Good for him.
 
A-C Slater is looking for a comeback vehicle, and he hasn't found it yet. In recent years, his career had a resurgence, because he managed to snag so many quality roles on TV. But if he wants to move from the kiddie, to the grown folks table, figuratively speaking, then he should step up his game. He needs to get a small part, in a critically acclaimed film, made by a top-tier director. I'm not saying he'll win an Oscar. But I think if he puts his mind to it, one day, he can attend a party at Brangelina's, and NOT get escorted out by security.
 
I didn't care for this movie too much, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't like it. But why play Russian Roulette: a bullet to the head is bad for your brain.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100
Sidenote: If you close your eyes, you may notice that Christian Slater and Jonah Hill have the same voice.

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100

Robot and Frank

ROBOT AND FRANK
PG-13
89 Minutes
Director: Jake Schreier
Writer: Christopher D. Ford
Stars: Peter Sarsgaard, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon

Frank and the Heaven's Gate Dude; the resemblance is uncannyCast
Frank Langella--Frank
James Marsden--Hunter
Liv Tyler--Madison
Susan Sarandon--Jennifer
Peter Sarsgaard--Robot (voice)

'Before allowing a machine to take over a part of your life, make sure that you know the true price you will be paying.'-OUTER LIMITS, S07E01, FAMILY VALUES (the episode with Tom Arnold)

Isaac Asimov's 'Laws of Robotics' aren't real laws. Lazy science-fiction writers often forget this. Do you know how many cats those 'Roomba' vacuum cleaners have killed? Zero, thus far, but who knows what the future holds.

Frank is a retired cat burglar. As a gift, he receives a robot, to help with household chores. But this android is capable of so much more. As a machine, he has no moral qualms about robbing people. His only responsibility is to serve Frank, as Frank sees fit. With two 'men', Frank can plan a heist.

This fictional robot is not comparable to A.I., BICENTENNIAL MAN, or 'Urkel-Bot'. Those characters were played by actors pretending to be robots. Although, strangely enough, only in BICENTENNIAL MAN, does Robin Williams come close to resembling a human being.

We're dealing with robot-looking robots here. A human-sounding, robot-looking android. If you want to hear my thoughts on robots that look like people, and whether it's okay to make love to a robot that looks like your wife's friend. You'll have to wait.

Frank's robot behaves like an impressionable child, a nagging wife, and a criminal mastermind. He's got a 'KITT', from KNIGHT-RIDER, demeanor. Resembling a LEGO STAR WARS SNOWTROOPER.

More than anything, ROBOT AND FRANK is a little boring. It seems as though the film maker was trying hard to make a point. But I can't decipher what that point actually was. That's not to say this film didn't explore interesting issues, it certainly did. One of those issues: man's emotional attachment to robots. But if you really wanted to explore this attachment, you could have just as easily watched FUTURAMA, or that movie with 'Number 5' and Steve Gutenberg.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

The Last Stand

THE LAST STAND
R
107 Minutes
Director: Jee-woon Kim
Writers: Andrew Knauer,  Jeffrey Nachmanoff, George Nolfi
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville

CAST
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Ray Owens
Forest Whitaker-Agent John Bannister
Eduardo Noriega-Gabriel Cortez
Rainier Wolfecastle-Dect. John Kimble

Last Action Hero?

It has always been tough, ignoring his Austrian accent, and pretending Arnold Schwarzenegger is a regular guy. But I guess, in part, that's what made his movies so entertaining.

The first half of this movie is excellent. From there...well, I wouldn't say things got boring, but eventually, I did lose interest in what was going on.

The basic blueprint of the story: 'Gabriel Cortez', a wealthy drug smuggler, is trying to escape federal custody. This guy is pure evil; you know he's bad, because Spanish is his first language.

As a former Mr Universe, he can carry a lot of things on his shoulders, but this movie wasn't one of them. He's not Stallone or Willis, Arnold just doesn't have enough personality to carry a whole movie. He's good in sci-fi-action-comedies, but where he really shines, is in movies featuring Sinbad, or Phil Hartman.

Forrest Whitaker, star of BATTLEFIELD EARTH. known in Hollywood circles as the only normal scientologist, has a large role in this film. He plays the head of the FBI. Oh, and another thing, try not to stare at his lazy eye.

Can Johnny Knoxville play a different character already? Look at the movie poster. He's wearing aviator goggles, that's crazy, he's not flying planes. His character, he's completely out of touch with reality.

THE LAST STAND has a simple plot, gratuitous violence, one-dimensional characters, and writing that was probably done by a DeVry graduate.Walking in, I knew this wasn't going to win any Oscars.  I wanted a fun movie, and I wanted to see some people get blown up. Yeah, people were shot, but no one was really blown up, and that's no fun.

Running the great state of California and that divorce, all of it, it sucked all of his vitality, and he's never really been that interesting.  This this reanimated corspe-of man, memorized his lines well enough. Sure, there were some okay one-liners, but overall, I'm disappointed with the lack of unintentional humor. Honestly, I'd expect more from one of the founders of 'Planet Hollywood'.

'Hasta la vista, baby.'

Final Verdict 60 out of 100

Stand Up Guys

STAND UP GUYS
R
95 Minutes
Director: Fisher Stevens
Writer: Noah Haidle
Al Pacino, Alan Arkin, Christopher Walken

CAST
Al Pacino--Val
Christopher Walken--Doc
Alan Arkin--Hirsch

I love Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. I thought I could watch these guys in anything; even if all they did was shovel cow manure for 95 minutes. But boy was I wrong, there is no excuse for spoon-feeding us this kind of bullshit.

Walken and Pacino play short-tempered criminals, on the verge of retirement. Criminals? Whoa, hold on a second, let me get a drink of water; I'm feeling a little light-headed from this shocking revelation. Look, I'm not saying these guys play ridiculous caricatures of themselves. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

After serving 28 years, Doc gets released from prison. He meets with Val for dinner, and they laugh and reminisce about the old days. Val and Doc: two best friends. One of them has to kill the other. A scenario like George and Lenny, in OF MICE AND MEN, except neither of these men are mentally challenged, in the traditional sense. Plus, the conclusion is a bit different.

Alan Arkin plays Hirsch, an old criminal, on his deathbed. Hirsch takes Val and Doc out on a joyride. Through some impressive maneuvering, and dazzling stuntsmanship. He manages to evade an entire police department, in only a few minutes.  Later on, we see Hirsch exhaling his last breath, in the back seat of the same car. Hmmmm, interesting, Hirsch driving a hearse.

You can't make a 95-minute assassin's tale,  without cutting a few corners. Like characters: if you use actors people are already familiar with, then there's no complicated back story. In a pinch, you can always get John Wayne to play a cowboy, or Jesse Eisenberg to play an awkward guy.

You can't pigeonhole this as a comedy, action, or dramatic piece. Because it's none of these. More than anything, this is an incomplete film.  I did like specific segments of the movie though.  Like when the 'bad guys' beat up the 'even worse' guys. But really, I think the best part was those new tracks by Bon Jovi. I wish I were joking, but at least he didn't ruin something that was good.

After watching STAND UP GUYS, One thing is clear, the actors in this movie are not 'Stand Up' guys. I'd say pardon the pun, but I'd be lying; I could never apologize for such clever wordplay.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Silver Lining's Playbook

SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK
R
122 Minutes
Director: David O. Russell
Writers: David O. Russell, Matthew Quick
Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro

'She drives me crazy and I can't help myself.' - FINE YOUNG CANIBALS (1989)

CAST
Bradley Cooper--Pat
Jennifer Lawrence--Tiffany
Robert De Niro-- Pat Sr.
Jacki Weaver--Dolores
Chris Tucker--Danny

Patrick is a bi-polar man, who had a violent meltdown. After serving some time in the 'loony bin', he gets released to his mother. I meant 'psychiatric hospital' not 'loony bin'. However difficult it may be, he's trying to move on with his life, staying positive.

Tiffany is a much younger woman. Because her husband died tragically, she has her own mental health issues to deal with. To me, she seems a little young to have a dead husband. I'm not sure you stay married once the person dies. But I suppose, poetically speaking, love is eternal.

It's not obvious, at first, but Tiffany and Patrick will become 'crazy in love', to quote Beyoncé.

Bradley Cooper is trying hard not to be that guy that was in THE HANGOVER, especially after that last sequel. Delibrately, he's trying to appear more intellectual in his film roles. But his efforts haven't been in vain. I'm just now beginnig the process of starting to like him.

In case you were wondering, those photos of Jennifer Lawrence in a bikini aren't real. You should probably put away the Jergens and Kleenex. Jennifer Lawrence always looked as competent as the other big names in this picture. She has a long future ahead of her. Dare I say: people might still go to see her movies after she becomes old and unattractive.

It's funny, a toned-down Chris Tucker is still able to play a mentally ill patient. All kidding aside, I do like this version of Chris Tucker.

Robert De Niro, isn't essential to SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK. He plays Patrick's dad. An OCD, compulsive gambler, who loves the Eagles. This is where I might say the Eagles football team, for clarification. But it's unnecessary; sure, a few people can tolerate 'The Eagles' band, but no one loves them.

Is this good enough to be nominated for Best Picture?

Not likely, no movie comes close to DJANGO UNCHAINED. I'm not even sure SILVER LINING'S PLAYBOOK is as good as Ben Affleck's film ('good as Ben Affleck's film' that phrase does sound funny).

While I could always sense where the movie was going, I still wanted to finish it. When the credits roll, you feel good, that is, unless you wanted something more than a 'feel good movie'.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Django Unchained

DJANGO UNCHAINED
R
165 Minutes
Director: Quintin Tarantino
Writer: Alan Thicke
Samuel L. Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio

'Southern Man when will you pay them back'
-Neil Young

Reach for the sky, Honky!Cast
Jamie Foxx--Django
Christoph Waltz--Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio--Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson--Steven

DJANGO UNCHAINED takes place in 1858, Greenville, Mississippi. Put that map away, and let me save everyone a bit of time: Mississippi is the state between Louisiana and Alabama.
 
DJANGO pays homage to many films, genres and characters. Which means much of this movie may already be familiar to you. Now, to elaborate on this further.
 
The title, and the bare-bones of the story, come from a few bizarre spaghetti-westerns. The titled  character, Django, is trying to rescue his estranged wife from a slave owner. This is done with extreme prejudice.  
 
Django is like Will Smith, in WILD WILD WEST; the black guy on WALKER TEXAS RANGER, and that character from BLAZING SADDLES... Gene Wilder.
 
Leonardo DiCaprio' character, the plantation owner, is based on Ted Turner, and 'Foghorn Leghorn'.

Sam Jackson's character, Steve, is part 'Uncle Ruckus, from THE BOONDOCKS. Part 'Uncle Ben'.

This Movie Is Off The Chain

In historical movies, there is usually is some white-washing of the past, it's inevitable, we live by different standards today. People forget what slavery was actually like. It wasn't just picking cotton in the fields. There were carnival rides, bouncy castles, clowns, candied apples, and daisy chains of joyful laughter. This movie is historically accurate (in some respects), and entertaining as hell, which is a difficult feat to carry out. This isn't just escapist fun: it's 'escapist' fun, for the characters.
 
I'm writing this as Tarantino accepts his Golden Globe for Best Screenplay. Well, since the Academy doesn't make a ton of mistakes... Oh, what's that? the Foreign Press Association does the Globes. Didn't they nominate THE TOURIST, a couple years ago. Nonetheless, they got it right, if only by coincidence.
 
Hmmmm, you might want to wait for the Oscars.
 
Final Verdict: 98 out 100  
Sidenote: I subtracted a couple of points, because Kurt Russell was supposed to be in this (to replace Kevin Costner). I just know he would've been perfect for the roll of 'plantation thug'. Without him, this movie falls just short of perfection.

Marked For Death (Retro)

MARKED FOR DEATH (1990)
R
93 Minutes
Director: Dwight H. Little
Writers: Michael Grais, Mark Victor
Steven Seagal, Keith David Joanna Pacula, Basil Wallace

Cast
Steven Seagal--John Hatcher
Basil Wallace--Screwface
Keith David--Max

    Give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.'
                 -John Hatcher

Before starting his career as a blues musician, and even before the Mountain Dew commercials. We had Steven Seagal in his prime. He's a man, widely regarded as the biggest asshole in Hollywood. But would the biggest asshole in Hollywood sexually harass Jenny McCarthy, while she auditions for UNDER SEIGE II. AND get anointed by the Dalai Lama? Perhaps.

John Hatcher, 35, retires from the DEA, after his partner gets killed. He takes this newly found abundance of free time, and does a little soul searching. John stops by the old neighborhood, and pays the family a visit, hanging out there for a bit.

'Since when did anyone ever accuse me of being sane?'

One day, while he's catching up with an old friend at the pub, trouble found him. Rastafarian, dope-pushers, spray the pub with oozys. Reluctantly, he  comes out of retirement. He can no longer ignore the thugs that have taken the town hostage.

Screwface has been pushing crack to high school kids. But he's not all bad, he gives kids free samples during school functions.

So he teaches the drug king pin...Damien Marley... I mean 'Screwface' a lesson in manners. Screwface vows revenge.

So What's The Deal With The Title?

    'It's an African black magic symbol. lt was used by the Jamaican drug gang the other night...
    you've talked or exposed them...and have been marked for death... This may seem ridiculous
    to you, Hatcher, but these people are for real. Your family has been marked.'

Time To Bring Out The Big Guns

Most of the movie, he's rocking the stone-washed jeans, and a black sports coat. It's the fashion equivalent to the mullet: business on top, and party on the bottom. He enhances this, already spectacular ensemble, with a Madison Avenue ponytail. Way to 'discipline your image'... man.

If you pay attention closely, you'll notice a young, Danny Trejo. No, wait, that guy was born 50 years old.

Because they are all so similar, it's completely unnecessary to review any other Steven Seagal movie, but I still might, it's all just too much fun.

Steven Seagal is a student of eastern philosophy, and appropriately enough, his movie is like the Yin-Yang symbol. MARKED FOR DEATH, simultaneously, manages to be both bad and good; striking the right balance between two opposing forces, and achieving perfection.

Final Verdict: 100 out 100