Small Soldiers (Retro)

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998)
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Joe Dante
Writers: Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Kirsten Dunst, Gregory Smith, David Cross

Cast
David Cross–Irwin Wayfair
Gregory Smith–Alan Abernathy
Kirsten Dunst–Christy Fimple
Phil Hartman–Phil Fimple

SMALL SOLDIERS
Why it's not as bad as you think
An Essay By E. Dunn

SMALL SOLDIERS is one of those films that if you didn’t see it at a movie theater, you probably never bothered renting it on video. This movie never really got it’s due. Because it wasn’t the movie people were expecting. Also, releasing it two weeks before SAVING PRIVATE RYAN didn’t help much. In film, war is something to be glorified; not something to be thoughtfully examined.

I watched SMALL SOLDIERS on my 14th birthday. I had  the Burger King toys. And I bought the soundtrack, even though most of those songs weren’t  even in the movie. I like the way Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony re’hash’ed Edwin Starr’s WAR; that is one crunchy, stone grove. The marketing was out of control. Just look at that image at the top of the page. I don’t recall any karate fighting in the movie, yet we have the ‘Rock’em Sock’em Robots’ knock off, ‘Karate Fighters’.

Things That Made The Film Watchable

Those involved thought this project was a good idea. They brought in the animatronics guy from JURASSIC PARK.
Tommy Lee Jones, and the original ‘DIRTY DOZEN’ did the Commando Elite. The Gorgonites were done mostly by members of Spinal Tap.

This movie had plenty of shortcomings. Mostly with the live-action parts. I could have lived without the prepubescent romance between Christy (Dunst) and Alan (Smith). Oh man, Alan is in for a rude awakening when he finds out Dunst’s character doesn’t really go for dorky, Peter Parker-esque-type characters.

There Are Many Questions:

• What does destiny mean?
• Did the technology for self-aware action figures exist in 1998?
• When do they run out of batteries?

The Eternal Battle Between Good And Evil

When I did intramural softball in middle school, I was the team captain. On the first day, without consulting my teammates, I came up with ‘The Freaks’, as our team name, and we weren’t very good. So I could relate to the plight of the Gorgonites.  I have a soft spot in my heart for those who aren’t good at doing things.

The Commando Elite fought the Gorgonites. And like the Detroit Lions, Gorgonites are programmed to lose. Eventually, they will go on to question this programming. These intelligent creatures teach us that many great things are accomplished with nonviolent resistance. But they also know that some conflicts can’t be resolved peacefully. Hence Archer’s bow and arrow.

Conclusion

I have mixed feelings on SMALL SOLDIERS. The title isn’t misleading, that’s a plus. But the more interesting characters don’t get enough screen time. While it doesn’t quite reach the level of greatness; it’s more than a grenade’s throw away from awful.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

A Good Day To Die Hard

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
97 Minutes
R
Director: John Moore
Writers: Skip Woods, Roderick Thorp
Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Cast
Bruce Willis–John McClane
Jai Courtney–Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch–Komarov
Mary Elizabeth Winstead–Lucy
Yuliya Snigir–Irina

‘Code red, code red.’
-Bruce Willis, THE SIEGE (1998)

(Insert Yaknov Smirnov Joke Here)

Take Your Kid To Work Day: The Movie…To The Extreme

All aboard! The 80s-Action-Movie-Express-Train blew passed the station, and shows no sign of slowing down. It’s about to jump the rails, hit the napalm factory, and plow right into the orphanage, the one adjacent to the factory.

After RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES films, I’m no longer nostalgic for the action stars of yesteryear. The irony, it’s gone. The next time I see Chuck Norris, it better be in an AARP commercial.

If you were wondering, ‘Die Hard’ is a reference to the battery; it’s not about the erection men get after becoming deceased.

John McClane goes to Moscow to give the Cold War a real ending. He thinks his son, Jack, has P-OD-ED on some top-notch pharmaceuticals. But really, Jack is a CIA spy. And so, there you have it, father and son, fighting Russian gangsters. John worked too much when Jack was growing up. But worry not, they’ll patch things up quickly; you only need a couple of hours to undo 30 years of resentment.

Here’s where it gets interesting… Just kidding, it never gets interesting.

After the first half hour, you lose all hope of seeing a good movie. From there, they don’t even bother giving us one decent scene.

The last DIE HARD had some problems, but it was still watchable. This latest DIE HARD can only be described as a violent, action-packed clusterfuck.

Bruce Willis just memorized a bunch of one-liners. Like, ‘I’m here, where’s my God-Damn paycheck?’

Willis has a serious case of ‘Tim Allen Syndrome’; where he’s gotten a little too comfortable with one particular role, like ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘John McClane’.

DIE HARD is not without positive attributes. What I liked most, the film’s brevity. It isn’t overly long, and that’s not so bad. Also, I love the part where John crashes through the window of an office building, and the other scene where he crashed through a window. That was cool.

Several times, John McClane mentions that he’s on vacation. And I say yes, he most certainly was.

I’m too young for this shit.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100

Bullet To The Head

BULLET TO THE HEAD
R
92 Minutes
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Alessandro Camon, Alexis Nolent
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Cast
Sylvester Stallone--James Bonomo
Sung Kang--Taylor Kwon
Christian Slater--Marcus Baptiste
'Mr. Eko' from LOST-- Robert Nkomo Morel

Movie Quote...

Sung Lang: Are you fucking insane? You don't just kill a guy like this...
James Bonomo: I just did.

Stallone and Kang: in the unlikeliest comedy duo since TANGO AND CASH. No wait, I think David Duke and Malcom X would be the unlikeliest comedy duo. But strictly speaking, this film isn't a comedy, or at least an intentional one.

Brains and brawn, beauty and the geek. One's clean-cut and the other's rough around the edges.

You might think this looks like an Owen Wilson-Jackie Chan-type duo. But you'd be wrong. I think one could argue, with the criminal-cop dynamic, and the racial clash, Bonomo and Kwon, are most like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 HOURS.

    'That's all we expect of man, this side the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.'
    -Robert Browning quoted at the beginning of GET CARTER (2000)
 
James Bonomo, part Rocky, part Rambo, part...just doesn't give a shit. By all appearances, this man is an honest criminal. But he's sees himself as an irredeemable nogoodnic, who no longer wants to be bothered.
 
You've seen this movie before. There's an investigation, police corruption, internal affairs gets involved, the police chief knows what's really going on, and is in on everything. Stallone's 'kind-of adopted' daughter, gets taken hostage in a large industrial building. The only thing you couldn't see coming was the axe fight (the tool, not the spray).
 
Sly has never looked this good, or good, period. But it looks like he's taking care of himself, with the HGH, and all. Good for him.
 
A-C Slater is looking for a comeback vehicle, and he hasn't found it yet. In recent years, his career had a resurgence, because he managed to snag so many quality roles on TV. But if he wants to move from the kiddie, to the grown folks table, figuratively speaking, then he should step up his game. He needs to get a small part, in a critically acclaimed film, made by a top-tier director. I'm not saying he'll win an Oscar. But I think if he puts his mind to it, one day, he can attend a party at Brangelina's, and NOT get escorted out by security.
 
I didn't care for this movie too much, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't like it. But why play Russian Roulette: a bullet to the head is bad for your brain.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100
Sidenote: If you close your eyes, you may notice that Christian Slater and Jonah Hill have the same voice.

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100

Robot and Frank

ROBOT AND FRANK
PG-13
89 Minutes
Director: Jake Schreier
Writer: Christopher D. Ford
Stars: Peter Sarsgaard, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon

Frank and the Heaven's Gate Dude; the resemblance is uncannyCast
Frank Langella--Frank
James Marsden--Hunter
Liv Tyler--Madison
Susan Sarandon--Jennifer
Peter Sarsgaard--Robot (voice)

'Before allowing a machine to take over a part of your life, make sure that you know the true price you will be paying.'-OUTER LIMITS, S07E01, FAMILY VALUES (the episode with Tom Arnold)

Isaac Asimov's 'Laws of Robotics' aren't real laws. Lazy science-fiction writers often forget this. Do you know how many cats those 'Roomba' vacuum cleaners have killed? Zero, thus far, but who knows what the future holds.

Frank is a retired cat burglar. As a gift, he receives a robot, to help with household chores. But this android is capable of so much more. As a machine, he has no moral qualms about robbing people. His only responsibility is to serve Frank, as Frank sees fit. With two 'men', Frank can plan a heist.

This fictional robot is not comparable to A.I., BICENTENNIAL MAN, or 'Urkel-Bot'. Those characters were played by actors pretending to be robots. Although, strangely enough, only in BICENTENNIAL MAN, does Robin Williams come close to resembling a human being.

We're dealing with robot-looking robots here. A human-sounding, robot-looking android. If you want to hear my thoughts on robots that look like people, and whether it's okay to make love to a robot that looks like your wife's friend. You'll have to wait.

Frank's robot behaves like an impressionable child, a nagging wife, and a criminal mastermind. He's got a 'KITT', from KNIGHT-RIDER, demeanor. Resembling a LEGO STAR WARS SNOWTROOPER.

More than anything, ROBOT AND FRANK is a little boring. It seems as though the film maker was trying hard to make a point. But I can't decipher what that point actually was. That's not to say this film didn't explore interesting issues, it certainly did. One of those issues: man's emotional attachment to robots. But if you really wanted to explore this attachment, you could have just as easily watched FUTURAMA, or that movie with 'Number 5' and Steve Gutenberg.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

The Last Stand

THE LAST STAND
R
107 Minutes
Director: Jee-woon Kim
Writers: Andrew Knauer,  Jeffrey Nachmanoff, George Nolfi
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville

CAST
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Ray Owens
Forest Whitaker-Agent John Bannister
Eduardo Noriega-Gabriel Cortez
Rainier Wolfecastle-Dect. John Kimble

Last Action Hero?

It has always been tough, ignoring his Austrian accent, and pretending Arnold Schwarzenegger is a regular guy. But I guess, in part, that's what made his movies so entertaining.

The first half of this movie is excellent. From there...well, I wouldn't say things got boring, but eventually, I did lose interest in what was going on.

The basic blueprint of the story: 'Gabriel Cortez', a wealthy drug smuggler, is trying to escape federal custody. This guy is pure evil; you know he's bad, because Spanish is his first language.

As a former Mr Universe, he can carry a lot of things on his shoulders, but this movie wasn't one of them. He's not Stallone or Willis, Arnold just doesn't have enough personality to carry a whole movie. He's good in sci-fi-action-comedies, but where he really shines, is in movies featuring Sinbad, or Phil Hartman.

Forrest Whitaker, star of BATTLEFIELD EARTH. known in Hollywood circles as the only normal scientologist, has a large role in this film. He plays the head of the FBI. Oh, and another thing, try not to stare at his lazy eye.

Can Johnny Knoxville play a different character already? Look at the movie poster. He's wearing aviator goggles, that's crazy, he's not flying planes. His character, he's completely out of touch with reality.

THE LAST STAND has a simple plot, gratuitous violence, one-dimensional characters, and writing that was probably done by a DeVry graduate.Walking in, I knew this wasn't going to win any Oscars.  I wanted a fun movie, and I wanted to see some people get blown up. Yeah, people were shot, but no one was really blown up, and that's no fun.

Running the great state of California and that divorce, all of it, it sucked all of his vitality, and he's never really been that interesting.  This this reanimated corspe-of man, memorized his lines well enough. Sure, there were some okay one-liners, but overall, I'm disappointed with the lack of unintentional humor. Honestly, I'd expect more from one of the founders of 'Planet Hollywood'.

'Hasta la vista, baby.'

Final Verdict 60 out of 100

Stand Up Guys

STAND UP GUYS
R
95 Minutes
Director: Fisher Stevens
Writer: Noah Haidle
Al Pacino, Alan Arkin, Christopher Walken

CAST
Al Pacino--Val
Christopher Walken--Doc
Alan Arkin--Hirsch

I love Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. I thought I could watch these guys in anything; even if all they did was shovel cow manure for 95 minutes. But boy was I wrong, there is no excuse for spoon-feeding us this kind of bullshit.

Walken and Pacino play short-tempered criminals, on the verge of retirement. Criminals? Whoa, hold on a second, let me get a drink of water; I'm feeling a little light-headed from this shocking revelation. Look, I'm not saying these guys play ridiculous caricatures of themselves. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

After serving 28 years, Doc gets released from prison. He meets with Val for dinner, and they laugh and reminisce about the old days. Val and Doc: two best friends. One of them has to kill the other. A scenario like George and Lenny, in OF MICE AND MEN, except neither of these men are mentally challenged, in the traditional sense. Plus, the conclusion is a bit different.

Alan Arkin plays Hirsch, an old criminal, on his deathbed. Hirsch takes Val and Doc out on a joyride. Through some impressive maneuvering, and dazzling stuntsmanship. He manages to evade an entire police department, in only a few minutes.  Later on, we see Hirsch exhaling his last breath, in the back seat of the same car. Hmmmm, interesting, Hirsch driving a hearse.

You can't make a 95-minute assassin's tale,  without cutting a few corners. Like characters: if you use actors people are already familiar with, then there's no complicated back story. In a pinch, you can always get John Wayne to play a cowboy, or Jesse Eisenberg to play an awkward guy.

You can't pigeonhole this as a comedy, action, or dramatic piece. Because it's none of these. More than anything, this is an incomplete film.  I did like specific segments of the movie though.  Like when the 'bad guys' beat up the 'even worse' guys. But really, I think the best part was those new tracks by Bon Jovi. I wish I were joking, but at least he didn't ruin something that was good.

After watching STAND UP GUYS, One thing is clear, the actors in this movie are not 'Stand Up' guys. I'd say pardon the pun, but I'd be lying; I could never apologize for such clever wordplay.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100