Jurassic Park (3D) (1993)

JURASSIC PARK (3D) (1993)
127 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer: Michael Crichton
Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Golblum, Samuel L. Jackson

Cast
Sam Neill-Dr. Alan Grant
Laura Dern-Dr. Ellie Sattler
Jeff Goldblum-Dr. Ian Malcolm
Richard Attenborough-John Hammond
Samuel L. Jackson-Ray Arnold
Martin Ferrero-Donald Gennaro

‘Well, sir, I won’t bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.’
-(Charlie) THE SIMPSONS, EP. 1F07

It’s been 20 years since this movie played in a theater. I went back to the place where I saw it as a child. But that’s a TJ Maxx now. General Cinemas doesn’t exist either. But I made the 1-block trek across the parking lot and saw it at a new theater.

I tried reading JURASSIC PARK, the book, as a kid. Not the one by Michael Crichton. The one with all the pictures, based on the movie. If memory serves, I don’t believe I ever finished that.

I won’t explain the plot in great detail. Because we’ve all seen the movie multiple times. It had a 9 month theatrical release. Plus, you know what you’re getting, with the movie title.

There are a some things I never noticed, watching this movie as a kid. The first, Samuel L Jackson. All I saw him do is smoke cigarettes, I don’t understand how one character can smoke all the time, especially if he’s in a science lab. Secondly, as an adult, I now recognize that Alan and Ellie really are ready to have children of their own. And lastly, There is one scene that just infuriates me. Toward the end, where the kids are eating Jello. Really? Jello that was sitting in the sun all day, on a table, in the South Pacific. I’m no Bill Cosby, but I think that Jello would have melted long before they got there.

Was it worth $14.00 dollars?

Why, back in my day, $14.00 dollars was a lot of money. It bought 2 movie tickets, and no money for concessions. Like the Weird Al album, 3D didn’t do much for me. More than anything, this was a marketing gimmick. Which I’m fine with. It means JURASSIC PARK 4 is actually getting made; due in June of 2014. There’s no bad CGI, JURASSIC PARK remains a very watchable movie. So yes, you should absolutely see this timeless classic.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Tyler Perry's Temptation

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Vanessa Williams, Brandy Norwood

In Loving Memory of Roger Ebert (1942 –2013)Cast
Jurnee Smollett-Bell…Judith
Lance Gross…Brice
Kim Kardashian…Ava
Vanessa Williams…Janice
Robbie Jones…Harley
Brandy Norwood…Melinda

I don’t see too many Tyler Perry movies. Two, at last count. But this time, I experienced something unusual. I found myself in a packed theater, surrounded by white people who paid to see this movie. And they were laughing hysterically in random, inexplicable intervals.

Thirty minutes into this film, I thought this was the best Tyler Perry movie ever made. I suppose it was, technically speaking.

Brice and Judith are a boring, young couple. Brice is a lowly pharmacist and Judith works as a matchmaker for rich guys. And their marriage is in a bit of a rut.

She’s A Fine Girl, What A Good Wife She Would Be

Brice hires Melinda (Brandy) to work at his pharmacy. More on her later.

Brice, her husband, misses her birthday for the second year in a row. All was forgiven after she received some flowers at work. But wait a minute. Those flowers weren’t from her husband, they were from Harley.

Harley is one of Judith’s clients. Being married, Judy put up a good fight. Nonetheless, he was persistent, and pursued her relentlessly. You know something will happen between these people. I don’t know how. It all depends on how many weapons this gentleman has in his arsenal of seduction

Harley is a darker, non-golfing version of Tiger Woods. With as much passion as Tyrese and Tiger Woods put together. And he’s a billionaire.

Ahhhh Shit!

You could tell Judith had mixed feelings. She wanted to cheat on her husband, but she didn’t want to feel guilty about it.

I love the part where Harley kicked the shit out of Judith’s mom. He was very nonchalant about the incident. Sure, he’s a sociopath, and an irrational one at that. But it’s because his mother, literally, abandoned him in a crack house as an infant.

3 Letters Took Him To His Final Resting Place

Brice finds out Melinda, his employee, got AIDS from the same guy…oh, I’m sorry, HIV.

Judith, that two-timing whore got HIV. Serves her right, philandering and fornicating with that handsome devil.

There are many issues of plausibility in this movie. As a billionaire with HIV; word would get out pretty fast. Do you think Magic ‘Johnson’ goes on AIDS rampages, infecting women, left and right?

Saving The Best For Last (This Reference Works Because Vanessa Williams Is In This Movie)

Tyler Perry did something extraordinary, he made something derivative of his own screenplay. Which in itself was derivative. Derivative to the third power: D³  like the MIGHTY DUCKS. This man deserves a standing ovation.

Final Verdict: 14 out of 100

Sidenote: I couldn’t find an appropriate spot to place a Brandy-DUI joke: sincerest apologies. 

Spring Breakers

SPRING BREAKERS
R
94 Minutes
Director: Harmony Korine
Writer: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez, James Franco, Gucci Mayne

Cast
James Franco…Alien
Selena Gomez…Faith
Vanessa Hudgens…Candy
Ashley Benson…Brit
Rachel Korine… Cotty
Heather Morris…Bess
Gucci Mane … Archie

Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(Let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill)
-GRILLZ, Nelly

Florida, the state, not the character from GOOD TIMES, is one of those places I would like to think doesn’t exist. A lie, made up solely to scare young children.

Ponce de León searched for the fountain of youth in Florida. But his efforts were in vain. Little did he know, Florida is a place for people who have entirely given up on life.

This movie is about a group of girls that, very violently, rob a chicken restaurant, getting close to $50,000 dollars. All so they can go on a spring break that never ends.

Everyone here seems like unrealistic caricatures. But it’s all done for good reason. SPRING BREAKERS has one foot in a reality, and another in a separate galaxy. The movie is a film version of a concept album.

He followed Joaquin Phoenix on the set of I’M STILL HERE as research for the role.

‘Alien’ is supposed to be based off small-time rapper, ‘Dangeruss’. But there’s more to his character than that. As a casual observer, I see pieces of Paul Wall, Dirt Nasty, and pre-seizure, Lil Wayne. Also, the name ‘Alien’ is a nod to the Outkast album, ATLIENS.

I ‘m not familiar with Selena Gomez, or her ‘WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE’. All I know is that seeing her in this makes me feel like a pedophile.

He stayed in character for a whole year, corn rows and all. Which made Selena Gomez think James Franco really was a creepy guy. That’s a brilliant move, plausible deniability. This is an example of a conversation the two might have:                     

I’m not hittin’ on you,  your half my age. I’m staying in character to maintain the integrity of this here movie. As James Franco, it’s only natural that your sexual fantasies involve me.  I think you’re letting your imagination get the best of you. While were on the set, could you please try to keep things professional. Now go rinse your mouth out with Scope.

I like this movie, it is a deeply disturbing, unforgettable experience.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

23 Minutes To Sunrise

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE
NR
80 Minutes
Director: Jay Kanzler
Writers: Patrick Pinkston, Jay Kanzler
Eric Roberts, Nia Peeples, Bob Zany

Cast
Daniel…Julia Robert’s Brother
Rachel…Mia Peeples
Eddie…Dingani Bess
Ted…Bob Zany
Sheila …Jilanne Klaus
Hannah…Haley Busch

‘Pssst… psssssst…  Are you afraid to die, or do you wanna live forever …’
-2pac, ONLY FEAR OF DEATH

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE reminds me of that NIGHTHAWKS painting. A bunch of miserable people eating at a corner diner, watching 23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE on television. Most of this film takes place at a diner.

Something about this diner is a bit off; maybe it’s the cherry pie.  It’s not hell, we know that much. The only restaurants in hell are Denny’s and IHOP. Maybe Arby’s, depending on which circle of Dante’s hell you happen to reside in.  Either way, there would be Muzak with Lenny Kravitz ‘FLY AWAY’ playing on a constant loop. 

‘Some people are afraid to die; sometimes, I think waking up alive seems worse.’
 
These are the words of an intriguing line cook at a late-night diner. His tours in both, Iraq and Afghanistan, have filled his soul with an existential thirst, which can never be quenched, not even with the mightiest chalice of Sprite . His figurative wounds can only be healed with a pen and paper. Eddie is using GI Bill money to take an English class at the University…of Devry.

Daniel is one of many shady people, eating at the diner.  He’s there with, what appears to be, a 30-year old female. She has 23 minutes to trade her immortality with an unsuspecting diner patron (I don’t understand how 23 minutes get stretched out to 80).

I like how they went with the name Daniel. Nothing too clever, like ‘John Milton’, ‘Joe Black’, or ‘Grim Reaper’. Just Daniel.

Eric Roberts, you might recognize him as the villain from THE SPECIALIST.  On the small screen, he is known for his cameo on CELEBRITY REHAB.

An interesting premise, that fails to explore significant questions. Trim this down, and this could be the opening scene in an X-FILES episode.

Immorality has its perks and its drawbacks. Immortality though, that’s the business, there is only upside. Even someone with eternal life, might not have enough time to see this eighty minute film.

Final Verdict: 43 out of 100

Oz The Great And Powerful

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
PG
130 Minutes
Director: Sam Raimi
Writers: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire, L. Frank Baum
James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis

I banish you from the Emerald City, never to return.
-Seattle Municipal Court Judge  (Katt Williams vs The State of Washington)

Cast
James Franco–Oz
Mila Kunis–Theodora
Rachel Weisz–Evanora
Michelle Williams–Annie / Glinda
Zach Braff–Frank / Finley
Bill Cobbs–Master Tinker
Joey King–Girl in Wheelchair / China Girl

Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
The world’s a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
-THE FIFTH DIMENSION
 
This film begins in black and white. Oz leaves  a crime scene in a hot air balloon, in the middle of a tornado. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a Skittles commercial, unlike any other.

Try, Try, Try To Understand…..I’m A Magic Man

As illustrated in first WIZARD OF OZ (1939). The ‘wizard’, was actually incapable of granting wishes. This wizard was a fraud. People are deceived by appearances, and he used this to his advantage. Still, he uses this ability for a noble purpose.

Kunis, Williams, and Franco: sitcom  stars of the 90′s unite. Surprisingly, Melissa Joan Hart has no part of this. She should’ve at least had a small cameo, it would be a joke… that only I would get.

I don’t understand this Kingdom Of Oz. Who’s to say a traditional monarchy is right for people of Oz? I would have strived to create a more just, democratic society. Look at roads, they are literally paved with gold. All because a tyrant wanted it that way.

Good Witch…Good Grief

Good witch, it sounds like a contradiction in terms; like a cokehead comedian. A good witch is not a witch at all, she (or he) more closely resembles a fairy godmother.
There’s a monkey in this movie. It’s about the most god damn adorable monkey I’ve ever seen. Think Ross’s monkey on FRIENDS. Except, it can talk, fly, and not interact with David Schwimmer.

I thought the monkey was played by Billy Crystal. But it was that guy from SCRUBS. I had all these Billy Crystal jokes ready. You’re just going to have to wait for Billy Crystal to do a bad movie to hear them.

There's No Place Like Home

The film is done with the right amount of seriousness. Yet there’s acknowledgement to the ridiculousness of it all. Much akin to the first SHREK.

OZ lacks depth, realistic characters, and musical numbers. This movie is good enough to check out, but it’s not essential viewing. If you are looking for something to sync up with the DARKSIDE OF THE MOON, I suggest you look elsewhere.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Sidenote: I’m always confusing Munchkins with Oompa-Loompas. I can’t be the only one.
Side-Sidenote: If you want to see an Oz film without token black actors. You might want to watch THE WHIZ (1978). Starring Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

Small Soldiers (Retro)

SMALL SOLDIERS (1998)
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Joe Dante
Writers: Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Kirsten Dunst, Gregory Smith, David Cross

Cast
David Cross–Irwin Wayfair
Gregory Smith–Alan Abernathy
Kirsten Dunst–Christy Fimple
Phil Hartman–Phil Fimple

SMALL SOLDIERS
Why it's not as bad as you think
An Essay By E. Dunn

SMALL SOLDIERS is one of those films that if you didn’t see it at a movie theater, you probably never bothered renting it on video. This movie never really got it’s due. Because it wasn’t the movie people were expecting. Also, releasing it two weeks before SAVING PRIVATE RYAN didn’t help much. In film, war is something to be glorified; not something to be thoughtfully examined.

I watched SMALL SOLDIERS on my 14th birthday. I had  the Burger King toys. And I bought the soundtrack, even though most of those songs weren’t  even in the movie. I like the way Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony re’hash’ed Edwin Starr’s WAR; that is one crunchy, stone grove. The marketing was out of control. Just look at that image at the top of the page. I don’t recall any karate fighting in the movie, yet we have the ‘Rock’em Sock’em Robots’ knock off, ‘Karate Fighters’.

Things That Made The Film Watchable

Those involved thought this project was a good idea. They brought in the animatronics guy from JURASSIC PARK.
Tommy Lee Jones, and the original ‘DIRTY DOZEN’ did the Commando Elite. The Gorgonites were done mostly by members of Spinal Tap.

This movie had plenty of shortcomings. Mostly with the live-action parts. I could have lived without the prepubescent romance between Christy (Dunst) and Alan (Smith). Oh man, Alan is in for a rude awakening when he finds out Dunst’s character doesn’t really go for dorky, Peter Parker-esque-type characters.

There Are Many Questions:

• What does destiny mean?
• Did the technology for self-aware action figures exist in 1998?
• When do they run out of batteries?

The Eternal Battle Between Good And Evil

When I did intramural softball in middle school, I was the team captain. On the first day, without consulting my teammates, I came up with ‘The Freaks’, as our team name, and we weren’t very good. So I could relate to the plight of the Gorgonites.  I have a soft spot in my heart for those who aren’t good at doing things.

The Commando Elite fought the Gorgonites. And like the Detroit Lions, Gorgonites are programmed to lose. Eventually, they will go on to question this programming. These intelligent creatures teach us that many great things are accomplished with nonviolent resistance. But they also know that some conflicts can’t be resolved peacefully. Hence Archer’s bow and arrow.

Conclusion

I have mixed feelings on SMALL SOLDIERS. The title isn’t misleading, that’s a plus. But the more interesting characters don’t get enough screen time. While it doesn’t quite reach the level of greatness; it’s more than a grenade’s throw away from awful.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

A Good Day To Die Hard

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
97 Minutes
R
Director: John Moore
Writers: Skip Woods, Roderick Thorp
Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Cast
Bruce Willis–John McClane
Jai Courtney–Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch–Komarov
Mary Elizabeth Winstead–Lucy
Yuliya Snigir–Irina

‘Code red, code red.’
-Bruce Willis, THE SIEGE (1998)

(Insert Yaknov Smirnov Joke Here)

Take Your Kid To Work Day: The Movie…To The Extreme

All aboard! The 80s-Action-Movie-Express-Train blew passed the station, and shows no sign of slowing down. It’s about to jump the rails, hit the napalm factory, and plow right into the orphanage, the one adjacent to the factory.

After RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES films, I’m no longer nostalgic for the action stars of yesteryear. The irony, it’s gone. The next time I see Chuck Norris, it better be in an AARP commercial.

If you were wondering, ‘Die Hard’ is a reference to the battery; it’s not about the erection men get after becoming deceased.

John McClane goes to Moscow to give the Cold War a real ending. He thinks his son, Jack, has P-OD-ED on some top-notch pharmaceuticals. But really, Jack is a CIA spy. And so, there you have it, father and son, fighting Russian gangsters. John worked too much when Jack was growing up. But worry not, they’ll patch things up quickly; you only need a couple of hours to undo 30 years of resentment.

Here’s where it gets interesting… Just kidding, it never gets interesting.

After the first half hour, you lose all hope of seeing a good movie. From there, they don’t even bother giving us one decent scene.

The last DIE HARD had some problems, but it was still watchable. This latest DIE HARD can only be described as a violent, action-packed clusterfuck.

Bruce Willis just memorized a bunch of one-liners. Like, ‘I’m here, where’s my God-Damn paycheck?’

Willis has a serious case of ‘Tim Allen Syndrome’; where he’s gotten a little too comfortable with one particular role, like ‘Santa Claus’, or ‘John McClane’.

DIE HARD is not without positive attributes. What I liked most, the film’s brevity. It isn’t overly long, and that’s not so bad. Also, I love the part where John crashes through the window of an office building, and the other scene where he crashed through a window. That was cool.

Several times, John McClane mentions that he’s on vacation. And I say yes, he most certainly was.

I’m too young for this shit.

Final Verdict: 56 out of 100