Filly Brown

FILLY BROWN
R
120 Minutes
Directors: Youssef Delara, Michael D. Olmos
Writer: Youssef Delara
Gina Rodriguez, Jenni Rivera, Lou Diamond Phillips

CAST
Gina Rodriguez … Majo Tonorio
Jenni Rivera … Maria Tonorio
Lou Diamond Phillips … Jose Tonorio
Edward James Olmos … Leandro
Noah Gugliemi…Big Cee

‘As a matter of fact dawg, here’s a pencil, go home, write some shit, make it suspenseful; and don’t come back ’til somethin’ dope hits you. Fuck it, you can take the mic home wit’ you.’ -B. Rabbit, 8 MILE (2002)

Because I’m studying Spanish, I find myself watching a lot of really bad Univision programming. Back in December Jenni Rivera died in a plane crash. She was such an icon in the Latin community, that they’re talking about her all these months later. Unfortunately, this was one of her last projects. In a couple of years, everyone will forget this FILLY BROWN film was ever made. It’s similar to Aaliyah and QUEEN OF THE DAMNED.

Considering Lou Diamond Phillips played Ritchie Valens in LA BAMBA. It’s an eerie coincidence he stars in this movie. Because here, his fictional wife died in a real plane crash.

Does a movie still play when no one’s around to see it? Yes, I walked into this two minutes late. And because no one was around; I received many strange looks from theater employees. And it wasn’t because I was jerking off during the movie.

I think what they were going for a female, 8 MILE, with a younger version of Michelle Rodriguez.

‘Filly Brown’ is a young, aspiring, urban poet. She auditioned for Fat Joe’s ‘Terror Squad’. Later on, she becomes disheartened by the rejection letter she received in the mail.

But she’s not going to let an overweight rapper crush her dreams. She’s doing this rap thing on her own.

Filly Brown…More Like Filly Shit

Big Cee is a big-shot record producer. A Latino, Suge Knight, except, not as nice. He’s making ‘Filly’ turn into something she’s not. A good rapper.

Her sensitive male friend, delegates himself in charge of keeping it real. Surprisingly, he’s not happy with this the new Motown ‘Filly’. She turned into Eazy-E: a ‘studio gangsta’…with AIDS.

If we can learn anything from Kid ‘n Play; it’s that bad rapping doesn’t go with a bad movie. If you’re looking for bad rapping, and a tolerable film. I suggest watching I’M STILL HERE, or MALIBU’S MOST WANTED.

What Ever Happened To Predictability?

At one point, it seemed like this movie was coming to a close. It felt like an ending you’d see on FULL HOUSE. They had the serious father-daughter conversation: where an issue gets resolved or someone learns a lesson. From there, they cue up the dramatic music. Soon as you’re expecting to hear ‘I love you Dad’. The very emotional rapping starts. Overcome with tears, ‘Filly’ couldn’t finish the lyrics she had written. End scene.

Final Verdict: 35 out of 100

Oblivion

OBlIVION
PG-13
124 Minutes
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Writers: Joseph Kosinski, Karl Gajdusek
Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko

CAST
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

‘You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.’ Iceman, TOP GUN (1986)

I’m going to try to get through this without making any jokes about Tom Cruise, his religious beliefs, his level of sanity, past romances, or his small stature; because those jokes have been made already , and I don’t like redundancy.

Nut-job-scientologist-divorcé, strikes gold once again. John Travolta tells his long-time buddy, Tom Cruise, to audition for OBLIVION.

I can’t stay away from an apocalypse movie. I like seeing people at their worst. To grossly paraphrase Charles Dickens, the worst of times can bring out the best in people.

Tom Cruise is still getting parts for non-pornographic films. Which is great. Because in the future, his only option will be; to write, direct, produce, and play all the roles, in one of his own movies. Eddie Murphy-style.

The year is 2077. The rest of humanity is going to Titan. Jack Harper is the last man on a war-torn earth. He fixes robots, because they’re not smart enough to fix themselves yet.

Nearly an hour elapses before Morgan Freeman appears in this movie. Nothing too memorable here. His character was interchangeable. But I do like the Bill Cosby, with sunglasses look.

What’s the deal with the flicker in the futuristic video-phones. You can Skype, in HD, as it is. But just because that’s how it was done in STAR WARS 30 years ago doesn’t mean we have to stick with that model.

TOP GUN is the picture that peaked Cruise’s interest in aviation; without his interest in flying contraptions, this movie doesn’t exist. Which leads me to my next subject.

The Ways… I Mean: The One Way In Which TOP GUN Is Superior To OBLIVION

Just like every Hitler needs a Mussolini. Every ‘Maverick’, needs an ‘Iceman’. Jack Harper does fight a clone of himself (you can tell they’re different because one of them has a goatee). I’m sorry, but that’s just not the same as having an ice-cold nemesis.

Conclusion

With a handful of exceptions. Most of Tom Cruises movies are better than average. And yes, this is one of those movies. Good, but not quite excellent. Nonetheless, you should see this because, visually, this film is spectacular.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Phil Spector (Mini-Review)

PHIL SPECTOR
NR (HBO)
Director: David Memet
Writer: David Memet
Al Pacino, Helen Mirren, Jeffery Tambor

Cast
Al Pacino...Phil Spector
Helen Mirren... Linda Kenney Baden
Jeffrey Tambourine...Bruce Cutler

'Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute, blood in the Bronco, the cuts on the hands, those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god he did it! '
-Homer Simpson THE SIMPSONS, DABF08

Is a genius ever responsible for his or her supposed crimes?
Absolutely not.
Look at Einstein, without his discoveries, atomic bombs wouldn't have dropped on Hiroshima. That man is a monster.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

Like a rapper on trial. The only thing Phil Spector is guilty of is being a thug. The merits of the case are never called into question, because his music is on trial.

Let Me Play DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

Al Pacino was in both the GODFATHER and GILI. This man has an enormous range. He's capable of perfection and utter failure as well.

Physically, Al Pacino has an uncanny resemblance to Phil. He even got all the mannerisms down. The only problem is Al Pacino always sounds like Al Pacino.

The scene where Spector pointed a loaded gun at Leonard Cohen in a recording session. This is glossed over, even though it was completely relevant to the trial.

This movie isn't bad, but the story is incomplete. It could use some bad reenactments, like the ones you would see on AMERICA'S MOST WANTED. You'd also need John Walsh's voice to go along with these reenactments.

I like where they ended the movie. To pay homage to Hendrix. Spector walks into the courtroom with an afro wig. I think it's how Jimi would have wanted it, leaving this world in style.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Jurassic Park (3D) (1993)

JURASSIC PARK (3D) (1993)
127 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer: Michael Crichton
Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Golblum, Samuel L. Jackson

Cast
Sam Neill-Dr. Alan Grant
Laura Dern-Dr. Ellie Sattler
Jeff Goldblum-Dr. Ian Malcolm
Richard Attenborough-John Hammond
Samuel L. Jackson-Ray Arnold
Martin Ferrero-Donald Gennaro

‘Well, sir, I won’t bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.’
-(Charlie) THE SIMPSONS, EP. 1F07

It’s been 20 years since this movie played in a theater. I went back to the place where I saw it as a child. But that’s a TJ Maxx now. General Cinemas doesn’t exist either. But I made the 1-block trek across the parking lot and saw it at a new theater.

I tried reading JURASSIC PARK, the book, as a kid. Not the one by Michael Crichton. The one with all the pictures, based on the movie. If memory serves, I don’t believe I ever finished that.

I won’t explain the plot in great detail. Because we’ve all seen the movie multiple times. It had a 9 month theatrical release. Plus, you know what you’re getting, with the movie title.

There are a some things I never noticed, watching this movie as a kid. The first, Samuel L Jackson. All I saw him do is smoke cigarettes, I don’t understand how one character can smoke all the time, especially if he’s in a science lab. Secondly, as an adult, I now recognize that Alan and Ellie really are ready to have children of their own. And lastly, There is one scene that just infuriates me. Toward the end, where the kids are eating Jello. Really? Jello that was sitting in the sun all day, on a table, in the South Pacific. I’m no Bill Cosby, but I think that Jello would have melted long before they got there.

Was it worth $14.00 dollars?

Why, back in my day, $14.00 dollars was a lot of money. It bought 2 movie tickets, and no money for concessions. Like the Weird Al album, 3D didn’t do much for me. More than anything, this was a marketing gimmick. Which I’m fine with. It means JURASSIC PARK 4 is actually getting made; due in June of 2014. There’s no bad CGI, JURASSIC PARK remains a very watchable movie. So yes, you should absolutely see this timeless classic.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Tyler Perry's Temptation

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Vanessa Williams, Brandy Norwood

In Loving Memory of Roger Ebert (1942 –2013)Cast
Jurnee Smollett-Bell…Judith
Lance Gross…Brice
Kim Kardashian…Ava
Vanessa Williams…Janice
Robbie Jones…Harley
Brandy Norwood…Melinda

I don’t see too many Tyler Perry movies. Two, at last count. But this time, I experienced something unusual. I found myself in a packed theater, surrounded by white people who paid to see this movie. And they were laughing hysterically in random, inexplicable intervals.

Thirty minutes into this film, I thought this was the best Tyler Perry movie ever made. I suppose it was, technically speaking.

Brice and Judith are a boring, young couple. Brice is a lowly pharmacist and Judith works as a matchmaker for rich guys. And their marriage is in a bit of a rut.

She’s A Fine Girl, What A Good Wife She Would Be

Brice hires Melinda (Brandy) to work at his pharmacy. More on her later.

Brice, her husband, misses her birthday for the second year in a row. All was forgiven after she received some flowers at work. But wait a minute. Those flowers weren’t from her husband, they were from Harley.

Harley is one of Judith’s clients. Being married, Judy put up a good fight. Nonetheless, he was persistent, and pursued her relentlessly. You know something will happen between these people. I don’t know how. It all depends on how many weapons this gentleman has in his arsenal of seduction

Harley is a darker, non-golfing version of Tiger Woods. With as much passion as Tyrese and Tiger Woods put together. And he’s a billionaire.

Ahhhh Shit!

You could tell Judith had mixed feelings. She wanted to cheat on her husband, but she didn’t want to feel guilty about it.

I love the part where Harley kicked the shit out of Judith’s mom. He was very nonchalant about the incident. Sure, he’s a sociopath, and an irrational one at that. But it’s because his mother, literally, abandoned him in a crack house as an infant.

3 Letters Took Him To His Final Resting Place

Brice finds out Melinda, his employee, got AIDS from the same guy…oh, I’m sorry, HIV.

Judith, that two-timing whore got HIV. Serves her right, philandering and fornicating with that handsome devil.

There are many issues of plausibility in this movie. As a billionaire with HIV; word would get out pretty fast. Do you think Magic ‘Johnson’ goes on AIDS rampages, infecting women, left and right?

Saving The Best For Last (This Reference Works Because Vanessa Williams Is In This Movie)

Tyler Perry did something extraordinary, he made something derivative of his own screenplay. Which in itself was derivative. Derivative to the third power: D³  like the MIGHTY DUCKS. This man deserves a standing ovation.

Final Verdict: 14 out of 100

Sidenote: I couldn’t find an appropriate spot to place a Brandy-DUI joke: sincerest apologies. 

Spring Breakers

SPRING BREAKERS
R
94 Minutes
Director: Harmony Korine
Writer: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez, James Franco, Gucci Mayne

Cast
James Franco…Alien
Selena Gomez…Faith
Vanessa Hudgens…Candy
Ashley Benson…Brit
Rachel Korine… Cotty
Heather Morris…Bess
Gucci Mane … Archie

Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(Let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell ‘em make me a grill)
-GRILLZ, Nelly

Florida, the state, not the character from GOOD TIMES, is one of those places I would like to think doesn’t exist. A lie, made up solely to scare young children.

Ponce de León searched for the fountain of youth in Florida. But his efforts were in vain. Little did he know, Florida is a place for people who have entirely given up on life.

This movie is about a group of girls that, very violently, rob a chicken restaurant, getting close to $50,000 dollars. All so they can go on a spring break that never ends.

Everyone here seems like unrealistic caricatures. But it’s all done for good reason. SPRING BREAKERS has one foot in a reality, and another in a separate galaxy. The movie is a film version of a concept album.

He followed Joaquin Phoenix on the set of I’M STILL HERE as research for the role.

‘Alien’ is supposed to be based off small-time rapper, ‘Dangeruss’. But there’s more to his character than that. As a casual observer, I see pieces of Paul Wall, Dirt Nasty, and pre-seizure, Lil Wayne. Also, the name ‘Alien’ is a nod to the Outkast album, ATLIENS.

I ‘m not familiar with Selena Gomez, or her ‘WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE’. All I know is that seeing her in this makes me feel like a pedophile.

He stayed in character for a whole year, corn rows and all. Which made Selena Gomez think James Franco really was a creepy guy. That’s a brilliant move, plausible deniability. This is an example of a conversation the two might have:                     

I’m not hittin’ on you,  your half my age. I’m staying in character to maintain the integrity of this here movie. As James Franco, it’s only natural that your sexual fantasies involve me.  I think you’re letting your imagination get the best of you. While were on the set, could you please try to keep things professional. Now go rinse your mouth out with Scope.

I like this movie, it is a deeply disturbing, unforgettable experience.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

23 Minutes To Sunrise

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE
NR
80 Minutes
Director: Jay Kanzler
Writers: Patrick Pinkston, Jay Kanzler
Eric Roberts, Nia Peeples, Bob Zany

Cast
Daniel…Julia Robert’s Brother
Rachel…Mia Peeples
Eddie…Dingani Bess
Ted…Bob Zany
Sheila …Jilanne Klaus
Hannah…Haley Busch

‘Pssst… psssssst…  Are you afraid to die, or do you wanna live forever …’
-2pac, ONLY FEAR OF DEATH

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE reminds me of that NIGHTHAWKS painting. A bunch of miserable people eating at a corner diner, watching 23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE on television. Most of this film takes place at a diner.

Something about this diner is a bit off; maybe it’s the cherry pie.  It’s not hell, we know that much. The only restaurants in hell are Denny’s and IHOP. Maybe Arby’s, depending on which circle of Dante’s hell you happen to reside in.  Either way, there would be Muzak with Lenny Kravitz ‘FLY AWAY’ playing on a constant loop. 

‘Some people are afraid to die; sometimes, I think waking up alive seems worse.’
 
These are the words of an intriguing line cook at a late-night diner. His tours in both, Iraq and Afghanistan, have filled his soul with an existential thirst, which can never be quenched, not even with the mightiest chalice of Sprite . His figurative wounds can only be healed with a pen and paper. Eddie is using GI Bill money to take an English class at the University…of Devry.

Daniel is one of many shady people, eating at the diner.  He’s there with, what appears to be, a 30-year old female. She has 23 minutes to trade her immortality with an unsuspecting diner patron (I don’t understand how 23 minutes get stretched out to 80).

I like how they went with the name Daniel. Nothing too clever, like ‘John Milton’, ‘Joe Black’, or ‘Grim Reaper’. Just Daniel.

Eric Roberts, you might recognize him as the villain from THE SPECIALIST.  On the small screen, he is known for his cameo on CELEBRITY REHAB.

An interesting premise, that fails to explore significant questions. Trim this down, and this could be the opening scene in an X-FILES episode.

Immorality has its perks and its drawbacks. Immortality though, that’s the business, there is only upside. Even someone with eternal life, might not have enough time to see this eighty minute film.

Final Verdict: 43 out of 100

Oz The Great And Powerful

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
PG
130 Minutes
Director: Sam Raimi
Writers: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire, L. Frank Baum
James Franco, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis

I banish you from the Emerald City, never to return.
-Seattle Municipal Court Judge  (Katt Williams vs The State of Washington)

Cast
James Franco–Oz
Mila Kunis–Theodora
Rachel Weisz–Evanora
Michelle Williams–Annie / Glinda
Zach Braff–Frank / Finley
Bill Cobbs–Master Tinker
Joey King–Girl in Wheelchair / China Girl

Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
The world’s a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
-THE FIFTH DIMENSION
 
This film begins in black and white. Oz leaves  a crime scene in a hot air balloon, in the middle of a tornado. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a Skittles commercial, unlike any other.

Try, Try, Try To Understand…..I’m A Magic Man

As illustrated in first WIZARD OF OZ (1939). The ‘wizard’, was actually incapable of granting wishes. This wizard was a fraud. People are deceived by appearances, and he used this to his advantage. Still, he uses this ability for a noble purpose.

Kunis, Williams, and Franco: sitcom  stars of the 90′s unite. Surprisingly, Melissa Joan Hart has no part of this. She should’ve at least had a small cameo, it would be a joke… that only I would get.

I don’t understand this Kingdom Of Oz. Who’s to say a traditional monarchy is right for people of Oz? I would have strived to create a more just, democratic society. Look at roads, they are literally paved with gold. All because a tyrant wanted it that way.

Good Witch…Good Grief

Good witch, it sounds like a contradiction in terms; like a cokehead comedian. A good witch is not a witch at all, she (or he) more closely resembles a fairy godmother.
There’s a monkey in this movie. It’s about the most god damn adorable monkey I’ve ever seen. Think Ross’s monkey on FRIENDS. Except, it can talk, fly, and not interact with David Schwimmer.

I thought the monkey was played by Billy Crystal. But it was that guy from SCRUBS. I had all these Billy Crystal jokes ready. You’re just going to have to wait for Billy Crystal to do a bad movie to hear them.

There's No Place Like Home

The film is done with the right amount of seriousness. Yet there’s acknowledgement to the ridiculousness of it all. Much akin to the first SHREK.

OZ lacks depth, realistic characters, and musical numbers. This movie is good enough to check out, but it’s not essential viewing. If you are looking for something to sync up with the DARKSIDE OF THE MOON, I suggest you look elsewhere.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Sidenote: I’m always confusing Munchkins with Oompa-Loompas. I can’t be the only one.
Side-Sidenote: If you want to see an Oz film without token black actors. You might want to watch THE WHIZ (1978). Starring Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.