This Is The End

THIS IS THE END
R
103 Minutes
Directors: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Jason Stone
James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen

CAST (Everyone Plays Themselves)
James Franco
Jonah Hill
Seth Rogen
Jay Baruchel                                                                                                  
Danny McBride
Craig Robinson

Warning: There are some spoilers in this. If you don't want the movie spoiled, watch the movie, and finish reading this review later.

Given the title of this movie, it would be easy to quote DOORS lyrics. But that's like playing the song, 'IRON MAN', at the end of the IRON MAN movie. Anyway, a wise man, whose name escapes me at the moment, once said '...the end is always near.'

Of all the places on earth, Hollywood, is the closest thing to hell on earth. So appropriately enough, our story starts in Hollywood, (the city-not the planet).

The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth

During a party at Franco's house. The rapture begins. The evil people are sucked down into hell, and the good people get sucked up into heaven.

This film is about a group of funny men who have to repent for their earthly sins, which mainly include YOUR HIGHNESS, and that awful GREEN HORNET movie.

This movie plot is plausible, because celebrities tend to keep an enormous reserve of emergency supplies. If there is ever a standoff with the police, they've got a month's supply of food, drink, and recreational supplies.

I liked the heaven scene toward the end. It reminds me of THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS song about 'Rock & Roll Heaven'. And in this picture, that 'hell of a band' is... you guessed it, THE BACKSTREET BOYS. Forget about the rest of the film. The Backstreet Boys reunion, alone, is worth the price of a matinee.

In my version of eternal paradise, there are seven circles of heaven. When I die, I'll be kickin' it on the top circle with Ghandi, Jesus and Kirk Cameron. We'd have these wild parties, do blow all night, and invite hookers from the sixth circle up to hang out and watch episodes of PERFECT STRANGERS.

Notable Fictional Depictions Of Heaven

-2PACALYPSE NOW
2pac in the 'I AIN'T MADE AT MAD AT CHA' music video. He predicted his own untimely demise, and he had a bunch of cool cats hanging out with him in the clouds: Redd Foxx, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Nat King Cole, Miles Davis, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, Don King, Florence Ballard, Sammy Davis Jr., and Louis Armstrong.
-TITANIC (1997)
They had to end the movie on a positive note, you can't just have people drowning. That's not only predictable, but depressing as well. At the end, the heaven Rose goes to is the Titanic. She's spending eternity in a ship on the perpetual verge of sinking. That doesn't sound so heavenly.
-7TH HEAVEN
While it didn't literally take place in heaven. One hour
a week, I was fooled into thinking heaven is a place on earth.

THIS IS THE END is not good, it's SUPERBAD.

THIS IS THE END
OF MY REVIEW.

Final Verdict: 87 out of 100

The Purge

THE PURGE
R
85 Minutes
Director: James DeMonaco
Writer: James DeMonaco
Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Max Burkholder

Cast
Ethan Hawke … James Sandin
Lena Headey … Mary Sandin
Max Burkholder … Charlie Sandin
Adelaide Kane … Zoey Sandin

Before we go any further. I want to emphasize: THE PURGE is NOT a sequel to FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

It’s A Game Of Hide-And-Seek, Except This Time...The Stakes Are Deadly

THE PURGE IS written and directed by James DeMonaco. You may know him as the guy who wrote JACK…Yes, JACK is a real movie, look it up.

The year is 2022, and America has evolved into a more peaceful society. But at what cost? After declaring himself King and Emperor of these United States, Obama unleashed a socialist, dystopian nightmare, so severe, that even Snake Pliskin couldn’t combat it.

One day a year, crime is legal in America. For 12 hours, people get to release all their violent urges. I’m sure there are many legal stipulations. But it’s probably best we don’t get caught up in the bullet-size holes of the premise.

Ethan Hawke is at it again. I don’t know how he still around. Going all ‘Woody Allen’ on his nanny. But Uma Thurman’s alimony will only go so far with paying the bills.

If ‘Murder Day’ really existed. I would go all out. First, I’m going to see a movie for free, record it, and upload it on the internet. Second, I’m donating blood (without telling anyone I had HIV). Third, download WHO’S THE BOSS episodes. And last, I don’t know…shoot Robin Williams. If I need a break from the ceaseless violence; I could always hide in a movie theater, where they’re playing an Ethan Hawke film.

THE PURGE might make a decent TWILIGHT ZONE episode. But not a feature-length film. If you like to see a good version of this movie, I recommend PANIC ROOM.

This film starts out by posing an interesting question. Without law, what really keeps human beings in check? But we don’t get much of an answer. Which leaves us with a violent remake of HOME ALONE.

That’s not to say there is nothing of value in THE PURGE. There were some positive elements to the movie as well. Like its overall message. Which is: people are never free to commit crimes. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves…forever. I hope you like that bowl of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL I just served you. Bon Appétit.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

After Earth

AFTER EARTH
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: Gary Whittaker, M. Night Shyamalan
Will Smith, Jaden Smith, David Denman

'It's a full time job to be a good dad.'
-Will Smith

CAST
Jaden Smith ... Kitai Raige
Will Smith ... Cypher Raige
Sophie Okonedo ... Faia Raige
Zoë Kravitz ... Senshi Raige (as Zoe Isabella Kravitz)

‘From the mind of M Night Shyamalan...’
Please, try to hold your laughter. I've got a film to review.

There is an interesting relationship between the public and M. Night Shyamalan. It's like that of my parents on report card day. As long as I didn't threaten to blow up the school, I surpassed their expectations. But Mister Shyamalan-ding-dong has pissed of far too many people, and his reputation is coming back to haunt him, like a well-conceived character in one of his movies.

M. Night has yet to direct a good movie. UNBREAKABLE was okay, even good in specific parts, but it merely approaches good without arriving at the destination.But I know AFTER EARTH will be different.

Earth to Will

In AFTER EARTH, Will Smith plays a black Captain Picard. Or shall I say Captain Picard plays a white Will Smith. Will has played many a military, and law enforcement personnel. But none of those roles prepared him for this. Except, I AM LEGEND, ID4, LEGEND OF BAGGAR VANCE, I,ROBOT, MIB, INDEPENDENCE DAY, HITCH, and THE SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

Some time in the future...

Kitai Raige and his son, Cypher, two homeboys in outer space, are looking for are a nice place to crash. When their spaceship collides with into planet Earth, it renders Kitai immobile, so his son has to complete a dangerous obstacle course.Every step of the way, he instructs his son to navigate the planet.

Kitai goes back to earth and back in time. He arrives at the year 1990, and Jayden is going to West Philadelphia to prevent Will from getting in one little fight. No, I'm joking, he's going to Bel Air to prevent Carlton from taking speed at a dance.

Back To The Real Story

Cypher is a military officer, who is never fun to be around. I believe he has Asperger's or something. His son, Kitai, only wants his father's approval, but has a tough time getting it. Good thing we have a couple of hours to resolve this issue.

Just The Two Of Us.

This film, should we place the blame in on Will Smith or M. Knight. The credits show the story was written by Will Smith, but is that the truth? I think so. Look at the character names: Kitai, Cypher, Faisal, Senshi. Only one man, with a daughter named Willow, could give human beings such bizarre names.

AFTER EARTH has many flaws, but it's not awful, just shy of average. More than anything, this film is forgettable.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Hangover III

THE HANGOVER III
R
100 Minutes
Director: Todd Philpps
Writers: Todd Phillips, Craig Mazin, Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis

CAST
Bradley Cooper … Phil
Ed Helms … Stu
Zach Galifianakis … Alan
Ken Jeong … Mr. Chow
John Goodman … Marshall
Melissa McCarthy…Cassie

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty: Oh! They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house. I’m not made of stone!- THE SIMPSONS, Episode 8F24

Be forewarned: This review has many spoilers. Although, I don’t know if spoil is the right word.  Can you  spoil an egg salad sandwich that’s been sitting inside a crawl space for two weeks?

The second film was so bad.  And like number two, all the laughs are in the first twenty minutes. I do like that this franchise is over. At least I hope so.  

Alan buys a giraffe. When he’s on the freeway, the animal gets decapitated. Creating  a major traffic pileup. His dad dies from all the stress.

Friends stage an intervention for Allen.  On the way to the treatment facility, Doug is kidnapped. Doug? Do you even remember what he looks like? I have no emotional attachment to this interchangeable, ‘White Doug’ character. Doug got married in the first HANGOVER, but he was largely unseen for most of that film.

Like those folks in CITY SLICKERS II.  John Goodman, and ‘Black Doug’ want their missing gold. And Mr Chow, that irritating guy from the first two movies, he has the gold.

The third instalment was better than the second HANGOVER. I’ll give them that. The three films don’t form a cohesive whole. .This was a BACK TO THE FUTURE-type trilogy, not a preplanned LORD OF THE RINGS one.

The film closes when Alan falls in love with Cassie, a pawn shop broker in Las Vagas. She is a character, as you might imagine. At this point, I thought, this movie was awful, but at least they’re leaving it off on a positive note. But right before the credits roll, Ed Helms walks out with a boob job.

HANGOVER III is a misleading title. Like with the show GOOD TIMES. There were no good times to be had on that TV program. I had a ‘good time’ laughing at their misery, but that’s beside the point.  But in this film, no one did any serious drinking, or made any bad decisions under the influence of alcohol. The characters were in real danger. But nobody had any fun in the process, and that’s where this movie fails, its lack of fun. Appropriately enough, I did enjoy it as much as a real hangover.

Final Verdict: 42 out of 100

Behind The Candelabra

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA
R
120 Minutes
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writers: Richard LaGravenese, Alex Thorleifson, Scott Thorson
Matt Damon, Micheal Douglas, Scott Bakula

Mr. Sandman bring us a dream (Yes)
Give him a pair of eyes with a come-hither gleam
Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci
And lots of wavy hair like Liberace
MR SANDMAN, CHORDETTES

CAST
Matt Damon ... Scott Thorson
Michael Douglas ... Liberace
Rob Lowe ... Dr. Jack Startz
Scott Bakula ... Bob Black

There was one thing Liberace was always trying to hide from the public, which involves a social stigma: the fact that he was bald. He lived at a time when being bald was just plain weird. Back in the days of yore, not just anyone could pull off the Yule Brenner look.

Like Rock Hudson, Liberace has always been the butt of many gay jokes, if you'll pardon the pun.

Michael Douglas plays the Liberace character so perfect,  you forget about the actor behind the mask. An eerily, true-to-life portrayal of a man. Kind of like the way Jim Carey played Andy Kaufman in MAN ON THE MOON.

Matt Damon played the Lee Liberace's, lover, man servant, and drug keeperawayer. You could tell he did a bit of research for his role. It seems as though he's taken notes from Katherine Zeta-Jones on how to pretend to love an old, wrinkly man, on the perpetual cusp of death.

The plastic surgeon is an interesting guy. Essentially, Rob Lowe takes his character from PARKS AND RECREATION, then, he adds a drug addiction, and a medical license.  Becoming a real-life Dr. Nick from THE SIMPSONS.

I'm not one to be judgmental,  and I try to keep an open mind.  But I think making your  boyfriend get plastic surgery, so he can look exactly like you, is a bit weird. Especially if you're a woman. But even if you're a man, like here, it still seems  bizarre, and unhealthy. Things don't exactly turn out the way Liberace expected. As the plastic surgery progresses, things go horribly wrong.  The boyfriend ends up looking like a modern-day Ray Liotta.

Scott Bakula is the only actor I wasn't surprised to see in this film. And it's not because he played the gay neighbor in AMERICAN BEAUTY, or the fact that he posed in PLAYGIRL.  No, it's because Sam Beckett needs to take a 'Quantum Leap' back to the 70s, to prevent Liberace from getting AIDS, by means of dissuading him from continuing his homosexual lifestyle.

I don't have too many complaints . It's too long... the movie that is. Cut 20 to 30 minutes, and you're left with a more powerful film, that gets straight to the point.

Also, I'm going to have to subtract a few points.  Here, in America, BEHIND THE CANDELABRA was on HBO. Which delayed the current GAME OF THRONES season by a week.  But if you missed this film, you can visit another country. They are playing it in actual theaters.

Final Verdict: 84 out 100

Fast & Furious 6

FAST & FURIOUS 6
PG-13
130 minutes
Director: Justin Lin
Writers: Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson (characters)
Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang

CAST
Dwanye Johnson…Hobbs  
Dominic Toretto…Vin Diesel
Brian O’Conner..Paul Walker
Michelle Rodriguez…Letty
Tyrese Gibson…Roman
Sung Kang… Han
Ludacris … Tej
Luke Evans… Shaw

‘I’m a little disappointed in the ass level of this movie. Me and Luda, specifically, are into way more voluptuous…round…not just a butt, were talking boboli’. –Tyrese Gibson (Interview, Jake the Movie Guy interview on YouTube…off the cuff…taken completely out of context)

Apart from LEONARD 6, in film franchises, the sixth movie usually isn’t very good. DEATH WISH 6 got made, but it was never released. As it turns out, no one wanted to see an 87-year old, Chuck Branson lie in a hospital bed for two hours. The DEATH WISH series isn’t about assisted suicide.

After barely escaping a car explosion, Letty develops amnesia. And now she is fighting for the bad guys, like Anakin Skywalker in STAR WARS.  This is OVERBOARD-style, she’s Goldie Hawn, and the Pierce Brosnan-sounding, villain is Kurt Russell. On a positive note, having amnesia means she doesn’t remember the first five ‘FAST AND FURIOUS’ movies.

I’d like to think, eventually, we’ll get to the point where we can create realistic avatars of ageing action stars, like they did with John Wayne in those beer commercials. They could make many people look less pathetic.

In my FAST FIVE review, I said Vin Diesel had Down Syndrome. It was completely out of line, it’s something I regret saying. Because that just makes people with Down syndrome look bad.

The white t-shirt and jeans look has never suited Dominic Toretto. A character like that, needs to wear a button-down shirt with flames on it.  Vin Diesel, that’s probably not his real name. I think he changed it, proactively, so he could appear in the perfect car movie. And when that didn’t pan out. He starred in THE FAST & FURIOUS. His scenes were priceless. Especially, when he’s talking to Michelle Rodriguez about the love they once shared. It makes you wonder whether she’s faking the amnesia to get out of the relationship.

‘Ride or Die’

FAST 6 is as close to perfection as it gets. I do have some minor complaints though. There weren’t enough explosions, suped-up Chargers, or chunks of bad dialogue.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Sidenote: Fast 7 is on the way. Brace yourself.

The Big Wedding

THE BIG WEDDING
R
89 Minutes
Director: Justin Zackham
Writers: Justin Zackham, Jean-Stéphane Bron, Karine Sudan
Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton

CAST
Robert De Niro … Don
Katherine Heigl … Lyla
Diane Keaton … Ellie
Topher Grace … Jared
Susan Sarandon … Bebe

‘For the next three days you and I are married…’

Don and Ellie are happily divorced, for several years now. But they will become fake married for a few days. Because the conservative, biological mother from Columbia (the country-not the college) is stopping by to make sure things are kosher. More on her in the next paragraph.

The groom grew up with adopted parents. Then, out of nowhere, his biological mother comes to see his wedding. She the abandoned him as an infant. But suddenly, her opinion matters?

With Such A Simple Premise, What Could Go Wrong?

I’m not Jonathan Edwards,but I think Don and Ellie will fall in love again, briefly, before realizing they are wrong for each other.

The plot is closely related to an old sitcom cliché. The father is looking to get a promotion, so he invites the boss over for dinner, and everything must go right or else…I don’t know, he’s fired, or he never gets promoted to lieutenant. But nothing goes right. The wife is a lousy chef, and one of the kids burns the kitchen down.

These Characters Seem Familiar

Topher Grace acts exactly, like Eric Foreman in THAT 70s SHOW.

Susan Sarandon plays Don’s serious long-term girlfriend. She gives us an encore of the terminally ill wife role she played in STEPMOM.

Robert De Niro, you might know him as the creator of the prestigious, Tribeca film festival. In this, and many other of his recent films, he plays his character from MEET THE PARENTS.

For someone who has stolen so many stand-up routines on clergyman. Robin Williams gives an overly restrained performance as a Catholic priest. We don’t even get ‘PATCH ADAMS’ Robin Williams.

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Before really tackling challenging projects, these Oscar winners want to hang out with their friends and slack off a bit. The movie making process is merely incidental to their vacation and/or poker tournament. THE BIG WEDDING is just an Adam Sandler flick with an A-List actors.

After cheating on her, with his ex-wife, Don proposes to BeBe. And they get married in the middle of the daughter’s wedding ceremony. I’ve never seen marital infidelity forgiven so quickly. But you to have end this movie, and the sooner the better.

The year is young, but I think it’s safe to say Tyler Perry didn’t create the worst movie this year. The BIG WEDDING IS so crass, and filthy; it would make Redd Foxx blush, and vomit at the same time. It unfolds like a sequel to AMERICAN PIE. The only difference is you don’t want to see any of these people naked.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

The Great Gatsby

THE GREAT GATSBY
R
143 Minutes
Director: Baz Luhrmann
Writer: F Scott Fitzgerald, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pierce
Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan

CAST
Tobey Maguire Nick Carraway
Leonardo DiCaprio Jay Gatsby
Carey Mulligan Daisy Buchanan

'I've got 99 problems and bitch ain't one of them.'
-Jay-Z

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps DOWNTON ABBEY or BOARDWALK EMPIRE. But now, I got me a hankering for the 20s. 'Twas a much simpler time. When rich people weren't afraid to look rich. They proudly wore monocle with top hats, and collected $200 after passing. 'go'.

Just like with HORTON HEARS A WHO; it helps if you read the assigned reading before coming to class. It's a short novel with large text. Even fans of Dan Brown are capable of getting through this one.

Village Of West Egg

This takes place in 1922, on Long Island, and Manhattan. Just a little aside here: as someone from Long Island, they portray my Long Island brethren in far too positive a light.

My Name Is Not Seabiscuit

Jake Gyllenhaal...I mean Tobey Maguire plays Nick Carraway. He is superb, playing the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed neighbour of Jay Gatsby.

I didn't like the Jay-Z part of the soundtrack. It's not that I don't like his music. Wait, that's exactly what it is.DJANGO UNCHAINED got the modern soundtrack to work. Besides, there's plenty of good music from the 1920s. ...like...I'm not sure...I can't think of any now. Oh, yeah, there's that one song: Hello, my baby-Hello, my honey-Hello, my ragtime gal.

My Heart Will Go On

Leonardo DiCaprio hasn't too many blemishes on his résumé. With his more recent roles, he's definitely established himself as someone people aren't going to forget about after he's gone. A sort of immortality. Like with Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, or David Arquette.

This GREAT GATSBY is better than the one from 1974, written by Nick Cage's uncle, Francis Ford Coppola. There are many versions, some you may not have heard of. The first in 1926, then 1949, and this one everyone forgets; the A&E movie from 2000. Starring, none other than Paul Rudd. In what can only be described as a very fine, tongue-and-cheek performance. Check it out.

Because of the mixed reviews. I'm on my own, in my praise of this film. I enjoyed THE GREAT GATSBY, but you might not. It just doesn't have broad appeal. This movie is only for literature geeks, and people who love good costume design (not that the two can't overlap).

Final Verdict: 84 out of 100