Killing Season

KILLING SEASON
R
91 Minutes
Writer: Evan Daugherty
Director: Mark Steven Johnson
Robert De Niro , John Travolta, Milo Ventimiglia

‘Love is a battlefield.’ -Pat Benatar

CAST
Emil Kavoc…John Travolta
Benjamin Ford…Robert De Niro
Milo Ventimiglia …Chris Ford

Cruising past Redbox, something caught my eye, and piqued my curiosity. A film with John Travolta and Robert De Niro. Mark Steven Johnson, writer of JACK FROST, and director of GHOST RIDER. Creates, yet another masterpiece.

Originally, KILLING SEASON was planned as a prequel to FACE/OFF, set in the 70s. Except for Nick Cage didn’t like the script (baffling, I know). So Robert De Niro filled his place. But, what’s that you say? De Niro doesn’t look like Travolta. This doesn’t sound anything like FACE/OFF. There’s a fix for that. Things get changed to take place in the present and all the characters have different names.

I can just see those alien anthropologists of the future now, uncovering the ruins of the 21st century. They’ll look at the KILLING SEASON DVD. Thinking:

'Travolta and De Niro, this has to be good. We shall watch these titans of motion picture. And after doing so, we’ll have a good idea of what the best of humanity had to offer.'

The plot is simple. Two men, on opposite sides of the Bosnian conflict in the 90s, try to kill each other in the woods. With bows and arrows, in a game of cowboys and idiots. Archery duals can last a long time. Shooting arrows is not as easy as Orlando Bloom made it look in LORD OF THE RINGS.

Travolta is not the worst aspect of this film. He provided most of the comic relief. His accent was awe-inspiring. It’s like he got Bosnian lessons from Yakov Smirnoff. Furthermore, KILLING SEASON is not John Travolta’s worst movie. But I can only say this because he’s’ been in OLD DOGS, and BATTLEFIELD EARTH. I guess it’s like saying THE CHRONICLES OF RIDEDICK isn’t Vin Diesel’ s worst movie.

De Niro can play an Italian, and a knife salesman, but he can’t play a convincing redneck. With Ben, he often forgets to stay in character, randomly switching between his normal voice, and the character’s twangy drawl.

‘How does it feel to be the one being tortured?’

After a long, and pointless battle. Ben and Emil patch things up, not literally, they still need serious medical attention. They make amends, which includes a friendly chat, and a good hug. In the end, Ben and Emil come to understand that the only real enemies they have are in the audience.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: The movie is 81 minutes long, the credits last 10 minutes.

Kick-Ass 2

KICK-ASS 2
R
103 Minutes
Director: Jeff Wadlow
Writers: Jeff Wadlow, Mark Millar, John Romita Jr.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

…if you need a motherfucker I ain’t hard to find -Big Syke, I AIN’T HARD TO FIND (2PAC)

Cast
Aaron Taylor-Johnson… Kick-Ass
Chloë Grace Moretz …Hit-Girl
Christopher Mintz-Plasse…The Motherfucker
Augustus Prew…Ass
Jim Carrey… Colonel Stars and Stripes

This KICK-ASS 2 project failed from the very beginning. Because they broke the first rule of movie making: don’t call a movie KICK ASS, without Nicholas Cage. I can’t stress this enough; the man desperately needs the money. Just assign him a part, he’ll stay out of the way. Most of the cast members are adults now, so there won’t be a repeat of KICK ASS (1).

Introducing all the characters is the most lengthy, and tiresome part of super hero movies. There aren’t any new characters in KICK ASS 2. You know what that means? More ass kicking time.

I thought the first one was too violent. But I think fewer people die in this one. But who’s counting? It’s like saying INGLOURIOUS BASTERDSwas more violent than DJANGO UNCHAINED.

This movie is not grounded in reality. In high school, pale, scrawny guys, with glasses never have super hot girlfriends. And people usually feel bad when they kill others.

By far, the Mindy subplot is the most interesting part of the KICK-ASS 2. Mindy ‘The Hit-Girl’ Hart stops being a superhero for good, and becomes a popular cheerleader. But things aren’t what they seem. She becomes a victim of a CARRIE-like assault by her peers. Don’t worry, she shows them a lesson, oh yes, with a contraption that makes people barf and gives them diarrhea.

‘I don’t want to win, I just want to make the world a better place.’

I don’t get why there is a superhero named ‘Ass’. First, the name isn’t very flattering. And second, the name is confusing. Calling him a ‘pompous ass’ wouldn’t be an insult to him, specifically, but it is insulting to anyone else.

There was a Woody Allen-looking guy. I don’t know what his super power was, but I think it involves seducing adopted Chinese daughters.

Jim Carey convincingly played a different kind of guy. ‘Chip Hazard’, from SMALL SOLDIERS. This Colonel Stars and Stripes is crazy. You can see it, there is one specific moment in which he really loses his head.

The funeral scene, that’s where this movie goes from bad, to truly awful. Why did so many people need to be murdered at a funeral? Eventually, the graveyard battle moves to the freeway. It’s funny how this gun battle doesn’t seem to impede traffic in the slightest. This is the point, where I’m thinking that taking my six-year old nephew to see this was a bad idea.

Maybe I’m a little old-fashioned, being shocked by the level of realistic violence. Sometimes, I like gratuitous violence, especially when it’s directed at innocent women and children. But here, there is just a purposelessness to it all that keeps me from being entertained.

So in summary: I can’t accuse anyone of false advertising, many people get their asses kicked in this movie…And there’s a guy named Kick-Ass. So it kind of works on two levels.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Clear History

CLEAR HISTORY
NR
Director: Greg Mottola
Writers: Larry David, Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffe
Jon Hamm, Michael Keaton, Larry David

Cast
Jon Hamm...Will Haney
Kate Hudson...Rhonda
Larry David... Raleigh/Nathan Flahm

Today I'm  reviewing CLEAR HISTORY. It's not what it sounds like. This isn't about a pedophile that unsuccessfully deletes his browser history, during his sixth grade English class.

Will Haney and Nathan Flahm  start out as business partners in the early days of an electric car company. Nathan sells his 10 percent share of the company back to Will, because he thought 'Howard' was a bad name for a car. Unable to deal with being ostracized and humiliated for being that guy that blew a billion dollars. Nathan loses his hair, and gains a new identity, 'Raleigh'.

What follows is an epic revenge on a former business partner. We already know nothing will work out for him. But how bad will things get? If you want a hint, watch the REVENGE episode of SEINFELD. Where George puts a Mickey in his old boss's cocktail.

In case you were wondering, the electric car is named 'Howard', after the college featured in Bill Cosby's show, A DIFFERENT WORLD, and not after William Howard Taft.

'I must right this wrong.'

Jon Hamm was the best part. I thought that was true of SUCKER PUNCH as well. I can't help but notice how he brings a little Don Draper to all his roles. The way John Wayne brings alcoholism to all of his titles.

Michael Keaton, wow, he always was a comedian, it's easy to forget sometimes. It took awhile, but I think he's finally moved past BATMAN and a whole host of other bad films.

Is there enough content for a movie?

Comedically, Larry David is beyond talented. But being funny doesn't make you a good film maker.  They rarely coexist, just look at Martin Lawrence.

CLEAR HISTORY felt like an overly long CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM EPISODE. While it was funny, it just didn't feel like a movie. Ultimately, I have to judge made for TV movies by a lower standard.  Seeing this at a theater would have disappointed me. Additionally, I must doc points for the CHICAGO soundtrack. For clarification, I'm not talking about the soundtrack to the film, CHICAGO, but rather the musical stylings of THE CHICAGO TRANSIT AUTHORITY.

But on a Saturday night, sitting on a couch, with nothing to do, but write a movie review, I would be pleasantly surprised with what I saw.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Blind Fury (Retro)

BLIND FURY (1989)
86 min
R
Director: Phillip Noyce
Writers: Ryôzô Kasahara, Charles Robert Carner
Rutger Hauer, Terry O'Quinn, Brandon Call

Not To Be Confused With The Rapper 'Blind Fury'Cast
Rutger Hauer...Nick Parker
Terry O'Quinn...Frank Devereaux
Brandon Call...Billy Devereaux
Noble Willingham...MacCready
Randall 'Tex' Cobb...Slag

'I also do circumcisions.'
-Nick Parker

Ray Charles Played The Piano, But This Guy Will Play You For A Fool.

Making fun of the blind is the only thing that offends me. Don't get me wrong. I like a Helen Keller joke as much as the next guy. But those jokes come across as crass and offensive in movie form. Like in DUMB AND DUMBER, when Lloyd sold a dead parakeet to a blind kid. Okay, that was funny, but it's the exception that proves the rule.

In movies, disabled people can carry out a great deal. The KARATE KID fought with one leg. TOM HANKS had AIDS in PHILADELPHIA. And then there was Kevin Costner in that one movie.

At first glance, BLIND FURY looks like THE BOOK OF ELI or DAREDEVIL. What separates this film from those titles is the vague semblance of humor. On a related note, I urge you not to take the R-rating too seriously. At its core, this is a light-hearted fare. Think of it as a violent Disney movie with profanity.

BLIND FURY is based on the Japanese TV series, ZATOICHI. Which was about a blind, American guy, who's proficient in the art of saber-rattling.

Nick Parker is a sword fighter, blinded as a soldier in Vietnam. Without a futuristic, LeVar Burton-esque device to replace his sense of sight; he has to fight his battles with a giant sword.

Where Do I Know Those Actors From?

The young kid, played by Brandon Call, was Patrick Duffy's oldest son (not Cody) on STEP BY STEP. In this movie, the blind guy has to take care of the kid. Because one night, his mom got loaded...with shot gun shells, rendering her lifeless body useless in the realm of child care.

JOHN LOCKE from LOST, or as he is more commonly known, by his earth name, Terry O'Quinn. In this movie, his character makes designer drugs, well, he used to, and now he has to again. He's Billy's father, but you'd never know it unless you glanced at the credits.

I love all the crazed Vietnam veteran characters in films. RAMBO is the most obvious example. But my favourite is Jerry O'Connell in THE SIXTIES miniseries. After coming back from the war, he grows his hair out, wreaking havoc on American society.

Conclusion

BLIND FURY was falsely advertised. First issue, I looked, and there was no one named 'Fury' in the cast. Also, from the previews I thought I was going to watch an unapologetically bad, offensive movie. One I could poke fun at, mercilessly. But instead, I got something mildly amusing. And lastly, after watching the whole thing, I found out this Nick Parker character isn't blind at all, just visually impaired.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

Grown Ups 2

GROWN UPS II
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Dennis Dugan
Writers: Fred Wolf, Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Kurt McKenzie

Cast
Adam Sandler…Lenny Feder
Salma Hayek…Roxanne Chase-Feder
Kevin James…Eric Lamonsoff
Chris Rock…Kurt McKenzie

The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
And we’ll be better
The second time around
STEP BY STEP (THEME SONG)

BILLY MADISON PART VII

Walking into this, I knew, the second movie would be better than the first GROWN UPS. Because movie ratings don’t go less than zero.

GROWN UPS (1) made so much money,  Adam Sandler gave Maseratis to the main cast members, and he still had enough money left over to make a sequel.

BEDTIME STORIES

The main plot, from what I could tell. The old guys, and a local fraternity are at war. Over a swimming quarry, and who it belongs to. The Alpha Betas are the whitest, waspiest, college guys ever.  And the grand finale involves a battle between the two groups.

Nick Swardson, star of the worst movie ever made, BUCKY LARSON, replaces, Rob Schneider in GROWN UPS II. He plays a burnout bus driver (think ‘Auto’ from THE SIMPSONS) with complete perfection.

Let’s move on to a man who’s made the second worst movie of all time. Former NBA baller, and basketball player, Shaquille ‘The Shamrock’ O’Neil. In Miami, he’s banned from lawn enforcement, not for making KAZAAM, but for using foul language in a freestyle rap…while drunk at a concert. Which is interesting, since  the ‘man of steel’ released five profanity-laced, studio albums before becoming a police officer. Anyway, the rap was about Kobe.  O’Neil should get a free pass; or does the Miami Beach Sheriff think that raping hotel employees is cool? But I digress. O’Neil’s desire to implement the law is still intact. In GROWN UPS II, he plays a cop, who isn’t too keen on law and order. Shaq is kind of funny in this role,  which is more than I can say about most of the cast.

The blonde kid from HARRY POTTER is at it again. Here, he  runs a summer camp for special needs kids…No, I’m joking, he’s playing a dooshy frat guy. And that’s the type of guy he will play, forever. That is, unless Macaulay Culkin dies during the filming of HOME ALONE 10: LOST IN THE NURSING HOME. In which case, he would make a suitable replacement.

GROWN UPS DRIVER

‘We’re irrelevant, we’re losers. You saw the way those frat guys treated us.’

What’s most upsetting is the waste of comedic talent. Except for David Spade, all these comedians are capable of much more, hilarity.

Now we get a second movie that no one asked for. No wait, that’s wrong, many people wanted this sequel. Not me though, I thought  a sub-par sequel might tarnish the legacy of the GROWN UPS franchise. But I was wrong: GROWN UPS II surpassed my expectations.

Final Verdict: 28 out of 100
Sidenote: Stayed tuned for a retro review of BLIND FURY.

The Ringer (Retro)

THE RINGER (2005)
PG-13
94 minutes 
Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Johnny Knoxville, Brian Cox, Katherine Heigl

Cast
Johnny Knoxville ... Steve Barker
Brian Cox...Gary Barker
Katherine Heigl...Lynn Sheridan
Jed Rees...Glen

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on.
THE BEATLES, LIFE GOES ON (THEME)

As a tenth-grader, in my English class, we had a short written assignment, answering a question: Do you think saying 'that's retarded' is offensive,  and why? My response, no, I don't think retards are capable of being offended. In retrospect, I recognize how hilarious, and insensitive my remarks were. Maybe I was just releasing pent-up rage, because that kid in middle school called me 'Special Ed'.

I saw this at a theatre,  but recently, THE RINGER aired on Comedy Central. It was something I had completely forgot about. After my second viewing" I realized that  I have to criticize this film now, before people forget about it altogether.  Kind of like the Nuremberg trials.

Johnny Knoxville hasn't declared himself a serious actor, by words or action. So I can't judge him on the same scale as Sean Penn. Of all the MTV actors, Johnny Knoxville has fared better than everyone. Except, well... no, Pauly Shore doesn't count as human being. Knoxville has a couple of things going for him. One, when you squint, he looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Two, if he ever puts on weight, he'd be indistinguishable from Jim Brewer. THE RINGER isn't Knoxville's worst movie. That award goes to GRAND THEFT PARSONS (2004).  But this might be his most memorable role.

There are many problems with THE RINGER. I can't list all of them, this is an article, not the ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. I  am going to examine a few of these problems though.

• The premise isn't plausible. You would need a doctor's help to fake any sort of mental handicap.

• The pretty, blonde Special Olympics coördinator has a dooshy, cliché boyfriend. You know he's bad news, because he pushes kids off the monkey bars at the park, while laughing maniacally.  In the middle of the movie, this guy gets caught making out with a hostess from Applebee's. It just doesn't add up. Why would a 'bad guy' cheat on his girlfriend?

• I don't think a bookie would take bets on the Special Olympics.  Not because it's immoral, or unethical. Mostly, because the competition might easily be fixed.

The Finish Line

To be fair, THE RINGER accurately depicts mentally handicapped people. With one big exception: 'Jeffey Dahmer'. But if you really want to watch a grown man go 'full-on retard' for two hours,  CORKY ROMANO would be a better option.

Final Verdict: 21 out of 100

Monster's University

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY
G
104 Minutes
Director: Dan Scanlon
Writers: Dan Scanlon, Daniel Gerson, Robert L. Baird
Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi

'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.' -Desiderius Erasmus (1500)

CAST (These actors did the voices of the characters. They didn't appear as themselves in cartoon form.)
Billy Crystal...Mike
John Goodman...Sullivan
Steve Buscemi...Randy
Helen Mirren...Dean Hardscrabble

When Mikey Met Sulley

Eighties-Style college films have had a good run. Starting out with ANIMAL HOUSE (1978), and ending with this movie (I hope). Forget PCU,  RUDY, or even the HOMER GOES TO COLLEGE episode on THE SIMPSONS. This is the last hurrah for 80s college movies.

Back in his college days,  Sulley was more of a legend than that other Sulley. You know, the one that landed the plane. He is a monster-machine that can scare the shit out of anything, and shotgun a beer in two seconds flat.

Mike, on the other hand has trouble scaring children. He's about as scary as Billy Crystal is funny. And that retainer in his mouth doesn't help his situation.

Mike and Sulley are like Chris Farley and David Spade. You have a strait-laced dude, and a carefree man. One guy eats oatmeal for breakfast, and the other goes to McDonald's; and orders two McGriddles, puts a Hershey bar between the two sandwiches, and makes a McGriddle Big Mac. And...well, you get where this is going.  Clashing personalities  forced to work together.

Nerds!!!

MONSTER'S U starts out with the basic elements from the REVENGE OF THE NERDS plot. Except, one jock, Sulley, is in the nerd frat voluntarily. Could you just imagine? It would be like Stan Gable (Ted McGinley) joining Lambda Lambda Lambda. And instead of the 'Greek Games', we have the 'Hunger Games'...I mean 'Scare Games'.

Being a prequel, we know how this ends. But is the journey worth watching?

I suppose so, it's a better-than-average Pixar movie. They waited awhile to make a prequel and that's admirable. Which is more than I can say CITY SLICKERS II. MONSTER'S UNIVERSITY isn't wholly original. Nonetheless, it is enjoyable. Like something John Hughes would create in his prime.

Final Verdict: 82 out of 100
Sidenote:  I didn't like how 'Art' is ripped-off of 'Grimace' from McDonald's. Just because no one would notice, doesn't make it right.

The Call

THE CALL
R
94 Minutes
Director: Brad Anderson
Writers: Richard D’Ovidio, Nicole D’Ovidio, Jon Bokenkamp
Halle Berry, Abigail Breslin, Morris Chestnut

CAST
Halle Berry…Jordan Turner
Abigail Breslin…Casey Welson
Morris Chestnut…Paul Phillips
Michael Eklund…Michael Foster
David Otunga…Officer Jake Devans

So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown
-PUBLIC ENEMY, 911 IS A JOKE (1990)

I'm going back in time to a few months ago. Like most people, I don't remember when THE CALL was out in theatres. But this film is one of Roger Ebert's last reviews. I'd be doing him a disservice, if I didn't drop a dime, and give you a ruthlessly, accurate critique of THE CALL.

Jordan Turner works at a 911 call center. During one call, she fails to keep a girl from getting murdered.She blames herself for the death, and can't seem to move past it. Jordan can't fix the past, and this becomes all too clear when one girl gets abducted.

In my opinion, the girl got herself into this mess, with that tight, revealing dress, she should figure this mess out on her own, without getting 911 involved.

A blonde, teenage girl calls 911 from the trunk of a Camry, history repeats itself. Jordan is already familiar with man who abducted this girl. He got away with murder once. Now the tables are turned, and we're left with a hair-raising tale of retribution.

The abductor is Michael Lewis Foster, a 36 year-old man who loves bad 80s pop. He's like the creepy guy who kidnapped the bear in TED.

This film's (main) weakness is its lack of plausibility.

The cops in California, are at every freeway exit, handing chicken-shit tickets out to ordinary citizens. The abductor shouldn't be so hard to track down.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I've never seen an all black police department. But there is something inherently racist about a black police department being completely inept in a film.

911 Please Someone Help Me

The way Halle Berry's character reacted to screwing up is realistic, I'll give them that. Anyone who saves lives for a living, will screw up eventually. Like with me, I'm sure I've caused many heart attacks, with my insightful prose. That's a huge burden to live with. Nonetheless, I wake up, each day, courageously, doing the only thing I know how, regardless of how many people I may hurt in the process.

The actor, Micheal Imperiola, or as he is more commonly known, the guy with the nose from THE SOPRANOS'. He's taking a break from the Tequila commercials. In this movie, he plays a legitimate businessman...'s chauffeur.

Halle Berry; she's a female Matthew McConaughey. And by that, I mean, people only see her movies because of her top-notch, set of perky...acting chops. In THE CALL she bravely dons a 'Whitney Houston...past her prime' hairdo. It speaks volumes on where she is and where her career is going.

It's Dunn

This quality picture is produced by World Wrestling Entertainment Studios. Honestly, I'd expect more from them. Vince McMahon—have you no shame?

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100