Dear Mr. Watterson

DEAR MR. WATTERSON
G
89 Minutes
Director: Joel Allen Schroeder
Berkeley Breathed, Jef Mallett, Stephan Pastis

‘Are you the creator of HI AND LOIS because you are making me laugh.’
Jeff Albertson, THE SIMPSONS, 3F16

Cast (No one you would know, except Seth Green. He plays himself)

A Back Story For Those Unfamiliar With CALVIN AND HOBBES

Hobbes was a Bengal tiger, living in India. His life was so harsh, that he created a fictitious, suburban life for himself, as a coping mechanism. In this fantasy world, Hobbes lived side-by-side with an imaginative, 6-year-old boy named Calvin. The CALVIN AND HOBBES comic strip is about their pretend adventures.

Most people would describe CALVIN AND HOBBES as a better version of GARFIELD. While that's true, it's only a small part of the picture.

As a kid, during silent reading, I would always choose to read WHERE’S WALDO?, MAGIC EYE, and CALVIN AND HOBBES. Among the three, CALVIN AND HOBBES was the easiest to write a book report on, and was by far, one of my favourite things to read.

I can see why Mr. Watterson didn’t want his product merchandised. GARFIELD is the best example of merchandising gone too far.  That comic strip is as annoying as Nermal.  And even Bill Murray couldn’t save those less than purrrfect movies. I don’t know how Jim Davis sleeps at night. No, that’s not true. He sleeps with a Garfield fleece blanket, and an Odie shaped pillow, atop a stack of C-Notes.

The whole time, you think the documentary is leading up to an interview with the author. It’s definitely possible, the man isn’t dead. But all I get are tales of unrequited admiration by pseudo-celebrities. You put up with all the not-so-interesting interviews, thinking there’s an eventual pay off, and then the film ends.

I’m not saying there wasn’t anything interesting. I found out many new things. Like they stopped making CALVIN AND HOBBES comics… almost 20 years ago. Another tidbit: those decals, where Calvin is peeing on a Chevy logo...Mr. Watterson did not authorize that piece of merchandise.

This documentary is not grrreat! If Bill Watterson saw this movie, he’d  plotz dead. Then he’d spin in his grave until he became nauseous. At which point, Bill would vomit for all eternity.

‘Worst Comic Movie Ever’

Final Verdict: 55 out of 100

Sidenote: Rest in Peace, Brian Griffin. I hope your death is a sick, twisted joke by Seth McFarlane. I do like his replacement though. ‘Paulie’, from THE SOPRANOS.

12 Years A Slave

12 YEARS A SLAVE
R
134 Minutes
Director: Steve McQueen
Writers: John Ridley (screenplay), Solomon Northup
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Michael K. Williams, Michael Fassbender

CAST
Chiwetel Ejiofor…Solomon Northup
Dwight Henry…Uncle Abram
Dickie Gravois…Overseer
Bryan Batt…Judge Turner
Ashley Dyke…Anna
Paul Dano…Tibeats
Brad Pitt…Bass

Born free and life is worth living
But only worth living
‘Cause you’re born free
BORN FREE, Andy Williams

To answer your question: this film is not about my public school experience. Although Solomon Northup was much like me, born in New York. But our similarities end there. Well, maybe there’s a bit more than that. We’re both strikingly handsome, well-endowed, human males, that were born free. The difference is that I’m not African-American, and no one has kidnapped, and forced me into slavery…yet. But slavery was Solomon’s fate. Technically, he was illegally enslaved. But for the record, I believe that all slaves were illegally enslaved, as controversial as that opinion may seem.

‘That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico.’

There isn’t much wrong with this film. Aside from the plantation owners being painted with a broad brush. I don’t know, I wasn’t alive back then. But I’m certain they can’t all be that bad.

Characters

The preacher from THERE WILL BE BLOOD, plays such a convincing racist, that even Paula Deen would tell him to take it easy.

You wonder how all the actors got, and stayed into character. I can just see it now, Paul Giamatti yelling racial slurs at the Long John Silver’s catering crew.

The plantation owners wife is a total bitch, with a capital cunt. Probably the most ruthless person in this movie. Just because her husband is sleeping with a slave, doesn’t mean that slave needs to get sent to another plantation.

Brad Pitt shows up toward the end. He’s the noble, super-chill guy, that works at a plantation. This character wasn’t really necessary, but it was nice to get a break from all the angry, intense characters.

Now Wait One, Cotton-Pick’n-Second

The actors in 12 YEARS do a fine job playing slaves. And that’s very important for this type of movie. Because some people are not suited for portraying slaves on-screen. For example, Robert Downey Jr would be a bad slave. That is, unless you used full, TROPIC THUNDER makeup. On a related note, I think some actors would make better slave owners than others. Leonardo DiCaprio and Foghorn Leghorn are ideal examples. But someone like Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t fit the part. In this film, I didn’t think Michael Fassbender would play such a convincing plantation owner. Being English and all, nonetheless, Fassbender was impressive.

This is different from other slave movies. It’s more authentic, because the story isn’t told through the eyes of a white person. 12 YEARS A SLAVE feels like a more modern version of ROOTS, without O.J. Simpson.

12 YEARS is the ultimate, feel-bad-movie-of-the-year. So it doesn’t call for repeated viewings. But fa reelz, check this shiznit out, it’s off the chain.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

About Time

ABOUT TIME
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Richard Curtis
Writer: Richard Curtis
Domhnall Gleeson, Rachel McAdams, Bill Nighy

CAST
Domhnall Gleeson...Tim
Rachel McAdams...Mary
Bill Nighy...Dad
Lydia Wilson...Kit Kat
Lindsay Duncan...Mum

'I'm a sucker for time travel movies.  Even ones with Kenau Reeves.' -E. Dunn

Back To The Future

A great rapper one said life is too short , but maybe it doesn't have to be. This story involves Tim, a young English man. He kind of looks like that ginger kid from Harry Potter. And he comes across as another version of Hugh Grant, except he's charming, and lands all his jokes.

On his 21st birthday, Tim's father tells him he can relive any moment of his life with time travel. To time travel, you go into a closet, clench your fists, and think about the moment you want to travel to. That's the basic premise. There are many caveats, but I don't want to bore you with those details.

If I Could Turn Back Time

In ALADDIN, Robin Williams said you can make people love you. This rule always applies to the movie world, any probably to life is well.  And it's true in this movie. But with Tim's gift, I think he'd have no problem in finding quality women to sleep with. For a 21-year-old man, that's just as good.

This all sounds wonderful. But I'm sure there be a downside. You might experience more tragedy in your life as well. Like all those hangovers. No wait, I've got it. I can avoid that mess by recreating the same drunken night, over and over...brilliant.

GROUNDHOG DAY appears like the most comparable film to ABOUT TIME. But it's very much different. For starters, Bill Murray is in around. Secondly, in GROUNDHOG DAY, the main character lives the same day, indefinitely, and it's not by choice. But in this film, Tim gets to relive any moment of his own life, and live with some of the consequences.

There's an old cliché that no one's perfect. But I've always thought that even if you could be perfect, it isn't like all your problems would end. You'd still have to deal with envious people, intent on ruining your life. At least that's always been my experience. In this story, Tim is perfect. It never felt like he experienced any form of personal tragedy. Perhaps Tim would really experience life this way. Still, this lack of conflict makes me think the movie is missing something. Because there's not enough downside to Tim's 'affliction'. Overall, this issue doesn't detract much from the film.

Perfect The Art Of Dying

Maybe the point of ABOUT TIME is that we shouldn't spend our limited time watching movies, even this one. Although this seems unlikely, that type of message wouldn't take two hours to convey. ABOUT TIME is original thoughtful and life affirming. Watching it will make you feel good: watching-kitten-videos-on-YouTube feel good. Watch this when you feel like it, you've got plenty of time.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Bad Grandpa

BAD GRANDPA
R
92 Minutes
Director: Jeff Tremaine
Writers: Fax Bahr , Spike Jonze, Adam Small, Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville,
Johnny Knoxville, Jackson Nicoll, Greg Harris

Cast
Johnny Knoxville...Irving Zisman
Jackson Nicoll...Billy
Greg Harris...Chuc

'Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.' -Tennessee Williams, A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE

BAD GRANDPA expands on a sketch from JACKASS NUMBER 2. Hmmm, interesting, I’m just noticing the joke in that title.

This film is JACKASS, with a fictional story. Which amounts to an Andy Kauffman-esque social experiment. It's fascinating knowing what human beings are capable of in bizarre situations. If I kill someone, I now know that a stranger just might help me dispose of the dead body, no questions asked.

I’m not a comedy snob. I laugh at homeless people all the time. Still though, I've always deemed JACKASS as bad, lowbrow humor. But when I take a second look at those films, I realize they aren't all that bad. And now, I no longer have a problem with Johnny Knoxville, unless he’s in real..ish movies.

We revere, and respect old people, at least publicly. Older folks have more of a reason to act out. I look forward to growing old and senile. Because I can blurt out inappropriate comments, and people think that all is excusable because I'm going to die soon.

Irving is the 'bad' grandpa. It's best to think of him as a thin Wilford Brimley. He has an 8-year-old grandson. The kid is a composite of MAN SHOW Boy, and the kid from BAD SANTA. These two are forced into a cross-country road trip. And wouldn't you know, hilarious hijinks ensue.

This movie's main flaw is it's not consistently funny. The first half was difficult to watch. Because it was just an old guy acting like an asshole. And that type of behavior can't sustain a movie, unless it stars Clint Eastwood. This film became passable in the second half, once Irving actually turned into a human being. By the end of the movie, BAD GRANDPA felt like an obscene, John Hughes film. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

Most people will notice much of the story arc is borrowed from other films. But it doesn't bother me so much. In this context, those borrowed scenes are markedly different; because everything is done with real life in the backdrop. No one was 'in on' any of the gags. And people thought tragic events were unfolding right in front of them. That makes this movie both funny and interesting.

Imagine watching an episode of AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS...and actually laughing. BAD GRANDPA is kind of like that.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Nude Changes

Now that I've got your attention with typo in the blog post title...I have some new changes. In addition to my point system, at the end of every review I will start giving a visual representation of each score. The lower scores are 'BLUE', and the highest scores will garner a 'WELL DUNN', with much in between. I'm implementing this system for future reviews. And I plan to retroactively place these at the end of my old reviews (that process may take awhile). I like this idea, but for the record, it wasn't my idea, so if it doesn't work out, I know who to blame.

Thanks, E. Dunn

Rating System

Escape Plan

ESCAPE PLAN
R
115 Minutes
Director: Mikael Håfström
Writers: Miles Chapman, Jason Keller,
Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent

CAST
Sylvester Stallone…Ray Breslin
Arnold Schwarzenegger…Emil Rottmayer
Jim Caviezel…Hobbes
Vincent D’Onofrio…Lester Clark
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson…Hush

Basic premise: After a 30 year stint for aggravated manslaughter, Ray Breslin becomes a school janitor. Ten minutes later, he holds a classroom hostage. During an 8 hour standoff, Sly murdered and raped an entire class of third graders.  After taking care of business,  Sly surrendered to local authorities. He gets life in prison, and now Breslin plans his escape.

What If Everything Goes Wrong?

Not really, here’s the real story. Ray Breslin escapes from jail, for a living. He tests maximum security prisons, and writes big books on prison security. Ray can break out of any prison designed by man.

Mr. Breslin goes to an off-the-grid, privately run prison. This place houses terrorists, and the monsters that download music illegally. It makes Gitmo look like Chuck E. Cheese. On his first day in the joint, the warden wants to put a little scare into him;  so Ray’s eyes get pinned open, CLOCKWORK ORANGE style. And the warden makes him watch COBRA, once, all the way through.

This Prison Just Exceeded Its Maximum Capacity…Him.

Ray has escaped for decades, but at such an advanced age,  without a constant supply of HGH, his physical condition deteriorates quickly, making escape much more difficult. He’s going to have to rely solely on skill. This is where all that RAMBO/ROCKY/STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT training pays off.

Smart people usually don’t end up in maximum security prison. In LAW AND ORDER:CI, Detective Goren lands himself in jail. All to prove that the prison was killing problem inmates. The premise of that episode was different, still though, both Goren and Ray had to play a pretend, dumb prisoner.

Get Free Or Die Tryin’

Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson plays a smart guy with glasses. But don’t worry, this Poindexter proves he is still gangsta as shit.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays the head of a prison security analyst firm…who is secretly evil. He doesn’t want Stallone to leave the jail he’s landed himself in. For the first time, I’m a little disappointed with D’Onofrio here. He is getting a lower placement on my top three actors list.

Current list:
1. Christopher Walken
2. Philip Seymour Hoffman
3. Vincent D’Onofrio
Vince, I’m sorry it had to come down to this.

Arnold and Stallone have a chemistry I didn’t expect. Ten years from now , I could see them doing GRUMPIEST OLD MEN together, this film’s sequel. Someone is going to have to take care of all those members of al-Qaeda that escaped in this movie.

Last Words
 
In any good prison escape film, there’s a final showdown with the warden.  Like you duct tape your hand to an electric chair switch, while Donald Sutherland is sitting down in the chair.  That type of pivotal moment doesn’t exist here, and it’s unfortunate. Still though, I think ESCAPE PLAN is worth seeing. I know this film is bad, yet I can’t take my eyes off it. Nothing is good, everything is predictable. I like it, but you might not. It’s probably best to watch this hung over.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Ghost Chase (Retro)

GHOST CHASE (1987)
89 Minutes
PG
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich , Thomas Kubisch
Stars: Jason Lively, Tim McDaniel, Jill Whitlow

Cast
Jason Lively…Warren McCloud
Tim McDaniel… Fred
Jill Whitlow…Laurie Sanders
Leonard Lansink…Karl
Paul Gleason…Stan Gordon
Unknown Voice Over Actor…Louis (Alien Butler)

So My Granfather’s Butler Is An Alien

Everything in this movie was so convoluted, where do I start?

Warren McCloud gets a grandfather clock after his rich grandfather dies. The details are sketchy, but I believe the grandfather committed a murders-suicide, and his buttler died in the same incident. A lot of money is hidden in the McCloud estate.

This grandfather clock contains the spirit of the butler. One night, when the clock rang 12, the butler comes back as a ghost, but not just any ghost, one that inhabits the body of an animatronic alien, movie prop. He’s knows of a large inheritance that is owed to the person he’s haunting.

The principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB plays the villain, Stan Gordon. I don’t know what motivates his behavior. This villain has one of his über-German cronies follow Warren and his friends. I think he wants the clock or something.

When I looked at the movie synopsis, I was under the impression the ghost would take over the body of a real alien. That’s something no one has done. Regardless of how good it was, I would still want to see a movie where an alien got possessed by a ghost, perhaps ALF. But a ghost inhabiting a doll, that is not interesting. That TED movie only worked because a ghost wasn’t involved.

While We’re On The Subject…

If I were a ghost, and got to inhabit a doll, I’d pick Teddy Ruxpin. I’d sound normal when a kid’s parents were around. Then, I don’t know…I’d have him run personal errands, and freak random people out. But I would only freak out crazy people. Because no one’s going to believe their story.

Questions

• Where did the alien butler find butler clothes in his size?


• How does the butler the reach the pedals when he drives a car?


• What’s this movie about?

On the surface this film looks derivative. Mostly because of the Yoda-ET-hybrid animatronic doll. But it’s not derivative. As a whole, this type of film has never been done before. And it should never be done again.

It looks like director, Roland Emmerich (INDEPENDENCE DAY, STARGATE), has a blemish, on an otherwise perfect cannon of studio art.

Ending On A Positive Note

That alien doll was kind of neat. I liked his accent, and overall personality. So in good conscience, I can’t possibly give this movie a zero.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: There is an uncut, PG-13 version of this film. It’s about 12 minutes longer. Be forwarned, this extra footage includes drinking, smoking, and profanity. It’s difficult to find this uncut movie, unless you want a German-dubbed, VHS copy.

Gravity

GRAVITY
91 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Writers: Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón
Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, Ed Harris

Cast
Sandra Bullock…Ryan Stone
George Clooney…Matt Kowalski
Ed Harris…Mission Control (voice)

I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Touch The Sky
I BELIEVE I CAN FLY, R Kelly

Space movies usually aren’t very convincing. Until now, you really had to suspend disbelief to get through a film, or episode of MAGIC SCHOOL BUS. Have you seen CONTACT? There is absolutely no way Matthew McConaughey would ever be interested in Jodie Foster. But I digress. I think the only space movie that’s as convincing as GRAVITY is 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.

I Think About It Every Night And Day
I Spread My Wings And Fly Away

Think of GRAVITY as TITANIC in the sky. Without the romantic chemistry between the two main characters. Matt and Ryan are working on an American space station. When they’re 8² miles high, they get wind of a possible PERFECT STORM of blown-up, satellite parts. They didn’t take the warning seriously until space junk came hurling toward them. At this point, they understood the GRAVITY of the situation. Getting out of this SPACE JAM will be difficult.

I don’t want to spoil anything, but George Clooney was dead the whole time…just kidding, I’m not ruining a movie this good.

I hate to get political, but all this happened because of the American debt crisis. When you don’t fund NASA properly, bad things can happen. Just the other day, I was unable to retrieve pictures of Saturn from the internet…for this review. But for Ryan and Matt, things are slightly tougher.

I Believe I Can Soar
I See Me Running Through That Open Door

I only had one issue with this film. The cast members weren’t nearly attractive enough (for their age). But seriously, I didn’t get what the original mission was. The project Ryan, and Matt were working on before everything went wrong. I guess it’s not that important.

If you don’t like George Clooney, speaking hypothetically, I can’t really say I know such a person, nor could I even imagine such a person…no, I mean beast. A Clooney-hating beast unworthy of inhabiting planet earth, or the firey hell below our feet. Yes, I believe that even inhuman monsters will enjoy GRAVITY. Watch this in an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses.

I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Fly

FInal Verdict: 95 out of 100