Ride Along

RIDE ALONG
PG-13
99 Minutes
Director: Tim Story   
Writers: Greg Coolidge, Jason Mantzoukas, Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi
Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, Tika Sumpter

CAST
Ice Cube…  James Payton
Kevin Hart…Ben Barber
John Leguizamo…Santiago
Bruce McGill…Lt. Brooks
Tika Sumpter…Angela Payton
Laurence Fishburne…Omar

Fuck The Police

Ice-T paved the way for other former rappers to play cops, like LL Cool J in NCIS: Los Angeles. So it’s not much of a shock to see AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted play a cop in film. Still, a rapper playing a cop, that’s crazy. It’s like Dr. Dre becoming a business person.

This isn’t a buddy-cop movie. That genre is too cliché. RIDE ALONG is about two men in a squad car, that don’t get along very well.

We Be (Billy) Clubbin’ 

Okay, let me set this movie up for you. James Payton, is on a high-speed chase, with foreign criminals, he destroys half the town, without apprehending the suspect. But, wait, there’s a twist: the police chief is an angry jerk. And this incident really pisses him off. Oh man, Ice Cube is a loose cannon.

Ben Barber is a security guard. He was just accepted into the police academy. But before he starts basic training; Ben wants to go on a ride along…with his very abrasive, future brother-in-law.

Every bad cop movie needs a villain. In this movie, it’s THE MATRIX guy. No, not that MATRIX guy, the one whose daughter does porn. Anyway, he plays the kingpin of an international criminal enterprise.

We don’t find out until the end that the  other cops in the force are crooked. And they’re working for the kingpin. Laurence Fishburne makes an enticing offer to Ice Cube: work for me, and I won’t shoot you, and c’mon, we’d make good partners. But Ice Cube has far too much integrity to accept the deal.

This film unfolds as you would expect: it doesn’t. If only it wasn’t a little more self-aware. They could’ve worked the satirical angle. Like THE HEAT.

Kevin Hart has overextended himself. He’s trying too hard to be the next Eddie Murphy. That last standup special was very half-Harted. As a comedian, you can get away with being a funny guy that appears in bad movies, like Chris Rock. But if you’re an unfunny comedian, that appears in bad movies, then you’re Martin Lawrence.

I’m a fan of Ice Cube’s road trip movies…I mean his music. So it’s tough for me to criticize him. But he’s become what he’s always despised: a studio gangsta.

Today was not a good day.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: Brace yourself, there are rumors of a sequel

Her

HER
R
126 Minutes
Director: Spike Jonze
Writer: Spike Jonze
Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams, Scarlett Johansson

Artist's Imagined Conception Of SamanthaCAST
Joaquin Phoenix…Theodore Twombly
Amy Adams…Amy
Scarlett Johansson…Samantha

Oh, wont you keep me warm tonight
You are such a sweet delight
I would cherish the memory of this night
Yes, I found my computer love
COMPUTER LOVE, Zapp and Roger

It’s tough to repair the damage from I’M STILL HERE. I thought the movie was entertaining, but a lot of other people didn’t. Now Joaquin Phoenix is attempting a full, Jim Carrey- CABLE-GUY-resurrection.  I don’t know if this excellent, pseudo-indie movie will do it. But it’s a good place to start.

This Theodore character is nerdy and socially awkward. I never thought Joaquin could pass off as a dork. But he’s a regular Rick Moranis here. Only when he’s wearing glasses though. Like the sexy librarian cliché.

Set in the near future HER is about a tortured writer who can’t find love .That is until he updated his computer software. As the story progresses, he begins to fall madly in love with this OS named Samantha. But Samantha is more than just a voice emanating from a cell phone. She’s like an ideal human without any physical presence. Only existing in a digital world. This all reminds me of the KING OF THE HILL episode where Bobby makes out with his girlfriend, a mannequin head.

Later in the movie, Theodore gets jealous, when Samantha meets the digital version of Alan Watts. Typical Buddhist philosopher, mackin’ on his girl. That ain’t right.  Just like my grandpa says, if you’re going to cheat, make a digital copy of yourself for the cheated person to love.

I hate to spoil the end; but it’s later revealed that there is no OS. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic.

I get where this guy is coming from. There’s this girl I talk to, Amy. My assistant. She has an adorable, British accent. Amy sets my alarm clock correctly, asks how I’m doing, and she doesn’t make me pay child support.

‘Sometimes I write something , and I’ll be my favorite writer that day.’- Michael Bay…I mean Theodore Twombly

I don’t know if this dating an OS thing is in our future. But I think robot lovers will eventually exist.  The next issue that conservatives will tackle is human-robot marriage. And if marriage isn’t possible, does having sex with a robot constitute cheating?
 
An original film like this doesn’t come around very often. HER feels Charlie Kauffman-esque. So you definitely should see this; a man’s career hinges on its success.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

Grudge Match

GRUDGE MATCH
PG-13
113 Minutes
Director: Peter Segal
Writers: Tim Kelleher, Rodney Rothman
Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, Kevin Hart

CAST
Sylvester Stallone…Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp
Robert De Niro…Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen
Kevin Hart…Dante Slate, Jr.
Kim Basinger…Sally
Alan Arkin…Louis ‘Lightning’ Conlon

'More money has been lost by people trying to imitate ROCKY than was ever made by the original picture.’ -Roger Ebert, STREETS OF GOLD (Review)

They’re Not Just Old, They’re Kobe Bryant Old

From the previews, GRUDGE MATCH looks like an average, inoffensive comedy. But that’s not the case at all, it teetered on the verge of average, but never got there.  From the beginning, it seems obvious that there aren’t any real surprises to look forward to. You know there is no way Stallone is going to lose in a boxing movie. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.

GRUDGE MATCH isn’t plausible. With two men, well into their 60s boxing. They wouldn’t make two rounds. That being said, plausibility is not this film’s problem.

ROCKY BALBOA vs RAGING BULL

Two actors…I mean boxers renew an old rivalry after they were offered a truckload of money to duke it out. So ‘Razor’ and the ‘The Kid’ come out of retirement for one last fight. But that’s it. There won’t be any ROCKY BALBOA (2006) movie.

Not much effort was put into the names. Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp, and Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen. Sharp is barely a real last name, but it does work with the Razor nickname. I mean it’s your only real option in the nickname department. I don’t know if the Billy ‘The Kid’ name works though. That character is no longer youthful or able to shoot guns with proficiency.

Mama Said Knock You Out

Stallone is a seasoned boxing-actor, where De Niro is just a guy who was in one excellent, boxing film.  Let me say, RAGING BULL is no ROCKY IV. While we’re on the subject; I can see why LL Cool J played a boxing coach here. He was in a music video that took place in a boxing ring.

I Coulda Been A Contender…

Sylvester Stallone has been in perfect shape for his entire life. And De Niro looks like his body was given the old, 300-CGI treatment. He just didn’t seem like a boxer. Everyone knows De Niro can only play himself, a mob guy, or a cop.

I know I say this about every movie; but this movie might have worked better with Tony Danza. He was an actual boxer, you know, before all the brain damage.

GRUDGE MATCH was original, well written, full of interesting characters, splendid cinematography, excellent pacing, and most of all, it was emotionally gripping, from start to finish. I think Shakespeare rose from the dead and wrote this screenplay.

This review is over. I’ve chewed your ear off long enough.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Walking With Dinosaurs

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS
PG
87 Minutes
Directors: Barry Cook, Neil Nightingale
Writer: John Collee
Charlie Rowe, Karl Urban, Angourie Rice

CAST
Charlie Rowe…Ricky (voice)
Karl Urban…Uncle Zack (voice)
Angourie Rice…Jade (voice)
John Leguizamo…Alex (voice)
Justin Long…Patchi (voice)

Hey thank you, I’ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!
[James Brown style]
Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum!
-Robin Williams, MRS DOUBTFIRE (1993)
 
LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW

WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS is a CGI family movie. It’s about ‘Patchi’, a dinosaur who wants to lead a pack of dinosaurs someday.

The premise starts with a family going on a road trip, to do some dinosaur hunting. I mean dinosaur bone hunting. Inexplicably, a bird starts narrating the movie. He lives in the present, but he also existed 67 million years ago.  So he can tell you what went on with the dinosaurs. Eventually, you forget about the humans from the beginning of the movie, but they show up at the end.

Remember the part of MRS DOUBTFIRE,  where Robin Williams is messing around with those toy dinosaurs . WALKING WITH DINOSAURS is 87 minutes of that: pure annoying-ness. Even your kids will find this boring. They should only watch this as punishment for something bad. Like killing a family pet or downloading movies off the internet.

In WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS, when the dinosaurs speak, the words don’t sync with their mouth movements.  It feels like people are just talking in the background: like MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER, without the humor. Or maybe dinosaurs communicate telepathically. I don't know for sure. Not that syncing the dialogue would make this picture any better. Because this film’s main issue is the dialogue itself: it isn’t very good.

There are many science lessons interspersed through out the film. We learn the names of some dinosaurs. I don’t remember what those names were. But we learned them nonetheless. I also remember that some of the dinosaurs had feathers. I admire how the film strives for scientific accuracy. It’s worth noting that JURASSIC PARK 4 won’t have any feathered creatures. But I don’t mind; feathered dinosaurs don’t look cool.

Dinosaurs are one of my favorite things. And it upsets me to see them desecrated like this. It’s incredibly difficult to screw up dinosaurs. Even that purple dinosaur is ‘super dee-duper’ in small doses. I don’t know about his friends though.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS sounds a lot like WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS, an excellent Discovery Channel series. So like an asteroid, the only way you’re going to encounter this piece of interstellar garbage is by accident.

Final Verdict: 6 out of 100

A Madea Christmas

A MADEA CHRISTMAS
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry, Chad Michael Murray, Tika Sumpter

Cast
Tyler Perry...Madea
Anna Maria Horsford...Eileen
Tika Sumpter...Lacey

GOTCHA!

ANCHORMAN II
PG-13
119 Minutes
Director: Adam McKay
Writers: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay
Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Christina Applegate

Cast
Will Ferrell...Ron Burgundy
Christina Applegate...Veronica Corningstone
David Koechner..Champ Kind
Steven Carell...Brick Tamland
Paul Rudd...Brian Fantana
James Marsden...Jack Lime

'She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It's like a visit from you, Cass - unannounced and uncomfortable.'-SNL, MORNING LATTE (S25E19)

I hope everyone enjoys my Christmas present. What is it? I'm not reviewing Tyler Perry's A MADEA CHRISTMAS. Is not getting something a gift. Yes, a lack of presence can be the greatest present you never received. It's like having a degenerate, alcoholic uncle, who ruins Christmas every year. But let's say, he doesn't show up this year: if that's not a present, then by golly, it's a full-on, Christmas miracle. So Merry Christmas everyone, I'm reviewing ANCHOR MAN II.

This ANCHORMAN was about as good as the first one. Both films follow a similar formula. But that's not really an issue here, because it's funny. About three-quarters the way in, this film dragged a bit. This is the only flaw. But the moment you became bored, things picked up a bit. Like a Judd Apatow comedy, ANCHORMAN II was just a little too long.

This movie finished strong. Will Smith always said he didn't do cameos, only starring roles...with his children co-starring. But I'm glad he made an exception here. In this movie, Will dressed like he did in that episode of FRESH PRINCE, where he pretended to be Ashley's father in a parent-teacher conference. I don't remember what character he'd played here. Maybe a golf caddy. All kidding aside, Smith's presence was most fresh indeed.

Jim Carrey, it's good to have you back. I mean that. I hope this means an end to that long stretch of bad movies you've been in for the past eight years.

The best character in this whole movie is played by John C Reilly, he doesn't say much. If I told you his part, it would just ruin it.

Steve Carell's character was even funnier this time around. He finds love with Kristen Whiig, an equally dumb character. The same way Michael Scott found love on THE OFFICE.

Generally, I've always believed that the more a movie is promoted, the worse it is. But it's not true with ANCHORMAN II. This film is good enough, where a word of mouth campaign would have sufficed. As opposed to the overwhelming marketing campaign going on. Those Dodge Durango commercials are a bit much.

Merry Christmas readers, stay classy.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Homefront

HOMEFRONT
R
100 Minutes
Director: Gary Fielder
Writer: Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham, James Franco, Winona Ryder

CAST
Jason Statham…Phil Broker
James Franco…Morgan ‘Gator’ Bodine
Izabela Vidovic…Maddy Broker
Winona Ryder…Sheryl Marie Mott

Ex-DEA agent, Phil Broker, moved to a new town with his daughter. His wife died and now he’s doing things Danny Tanner style. By mopping the floor clean with his enemies. I don’t know what he does for a living.   His daughter gets in a fight at school with the wrong kid. And this unleashes a battle that really blows the situation out of proportion.

HOMEFRONT feels a bit like ROADHOUSE, except ROADHOUSE wasn’t this ridiculous. This movie feels closer to a condensed episode of BREAKING BAD. Without a story or character development. Gator is like Walter White. Phil is like a bald, DEA agent. There’s no Skyler though. Phil’s wife is long dead. Oh man, you know this is going to be good. Because DEA agents and drug lords go together about as well as two positively-charged ions.

Regardless of the character he’s playing, it’s always difficult not to root for James Franco. And in that way, I think he’s like a skinny Louie Anderson.  But in HOMEFRONT, he plays an unsympathetic, almost comically evil, villain. I didn’t have a problem with Franco cooking meth, but when he killed that kitten, that’s where I stop rooting for him. I found out later, he merely abducted the kitten of a nine-year-old girl. Okay cool, now I’m back on the Franco trolley. But then he tries to kill Jason Statham, and perhaps not return the kitten. This is where I had mixed emotions. On one hand, all the meth money is helping the community, but on the other hand, he’s a sociopath. But then again, meth makes people more productive…hmmm

I’m genuinely surprised to see Jason Statham and James Franco in the same movie. I wonder what the conversation was like for Franco and his agent…

So I’m playing a dooshy, meth dealer, and Jason Statham is the guy seeking revenge on me. And what’s that…Sly Stallone wrote it. Call me Thompson’s Water Seal, cuz I am on board. Perhaps I’ll have to make my trophy case larger, with all the Oscars I’m taking home from this film. And what the hell, why did you wait so long to tell me about this project?…You’re fired.

Everyone dies in the end. Not in this movie though. I think everyone knows how HOMEFRONT ends. One guy kills any desire you had to see movies with Jason Statham.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Frozen

FROZEN
PG
108 Minutes
Directors: Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee
Writers: Jennifer Lee, Chris Buck
Stars: Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, Idina Menzel

CAST
Kristen Bell..Anna
Idina Menzel… Elsa
Jonathan Groff…Kristoff
Josh Gad…Olaf
Santino Fontana…Hans
Alan Tudyk… Duke

‘Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.’-Mr Freeze, BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

Ice To Meet You

FROZEN is a tale of two, vaguely Scandinavian sisters, Queen Elsa and Princess Anna, who rein in the Kingdom of Arendelle. And if you were wondering, these women were not democratically elected.

Queen Elsa spends more time with ice than Tanya Harding. She is beauty and beast, simultaneously. Because she is a beauty, shunned by the people as freakish, and dangerous. Elsa is a female version of the Jack Frost from LEGENDS OF GUARDIAN, and  SANTA CLAUSE 3.  Don’t let the film, JACK FROST confuse you. That character doesn’t create snow, he can only use it to come back to life for his son to beat up a school bully.

With a title like FROZEN, automatically, you’ll compare it to another movie. But let me assure you, this film is nothing like ICE AGE. Sure there is snow and ice. And furry, wise-cracking animals. But that’s it. And it’s not like FROZEN was made for the sole purpose of making money.

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

FROZEN is an avalanche of many long, boring songs.  Although I found the ‘REINDEERS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE’ song incredibly enchanting, and persuasive. The soundtrack isn’t my main complaint, because the music is never good in a cartoon. Unless it’s THE JUNGLE BOOK.

In a movie about perpetual winter. You’ll be surprised to find that there are no DQ Blizzards, Icees, or Mr Freeze pop…characters. Would it really hurt anyone to have Sir Issac Lime make a cameo appearance?

Olaf, the snowman is like that kid from THE BLIND SIDE. Not super annoying, just a little irritating, to the point–you almost wished that Michael Oher didn’t save him in that car accident. As is, Olaf is a little too close to that David Spade character in THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE. In FROZEN, this snowman character should’ve been less obnoxious, and a little more adorable. I’d also be open to a stoner snowman as well. He’d be named Bro-Zen. This snowman would always have potent cron-don in his corn-cob pipe. Dispensing sage advice contained in key moments throughout the film. David Cox-Arquette will do the voice.

‘An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart.’

It’s difficult not to feel like a jaded, cynical asshole. Critiquing an anti-feminist, children’s cartoon. But even if I were a kid, there is no way I would have liked this movie. It’s about a queen and a princess that don’t really do much, or have much fun.

Visually, this movie looks spectacular. Like a well-animated, 90-minute snow globe. So I recommend you rent FROZEN next year. And play it in the background during a holiday party. But put it on mute, because you never know, it might sync up with DARK SIDE OF THE MOON.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Final Verdict: 50 out 100

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE PG-13 146 Minutes Director: Francis Lawrence Writers: Simon Beaufoy, Michael Arndt, Suzanne Collins

CAST Jennifer Lawrence–Katniss Everdeen Donald Sutherland–President Snow Josh Hutcherson–Peeta Mellark Liam Hemsworth–Gale Hawthorne Stanley Tucci–Caesar Flickerman Lenny Kravitz–Cinna Woody Harrelson–A. Burnout Philip Seymour Hoffman--Plutarch Heavensbee

‘Give ‘em guns, step back, watch em kill each other’- 2pac, CHANGES

Let The Games Begin

If we can learn anything from the Native Americans, it’s that you can solve all conflicts with archery. Also, archery is an efficient way to split an apple. (I know–William Tell references are so timely). So today I’m reviewing a movie about a girl who shoots arrows. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Just try not to think about things too hard, and you’ll be fine.

I like this movie, without really knowing why. It’s just people killing each other, very creatively.

• HUNGER GAMES is like RAMBO on Steroids…on Steroids 

• Or a season of SURVIVOR gone wrong, featuring only terrorist contestants.

• Or my favorite, the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

Characters

Lenny Kravitz really knows how to suck the life out of  a room. Every time he shows up, I sigh.  By my count, I sighed about six times in this film. But one of those was a sigh of relief.  This will be the only spoiler: but I don’t think we’re going to see any more Lenny Kravitz in future HUNGER GAMES films, unless there are flashbacks of him, or prequels. In a round about way,  I’m trying to say that he died. Yes, Lenny Kravitz died, very violently.

Donald Sutherland is such a menacing villain. And he’s good at playing one in movies.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, I’m surprised to see him in such a mainstream blockbuster. Even though he did the bare minimum in promoting this movie, Hoffman still puts much effort, in what he knows is a silly role: that’s admirable.

This Katniss character, she seems cold, and standoffish, like Jodie Foster. Maybe it’s because she’s killed so many people. Or perhaps it’s because she has suffered at the hands of so many men. She treats the men in her life like shit. Katniss needs to improve her mental health, before she breaks anymore hearts, literally, and figuratively speaking. I think therapy and treatment for PTSD are in order, which would include some potent pharmaceuticals.

Parting Words

What will happen next in THE HUNGER GAMES? I have no way of knowing, unless I read the books. Which could take a couple of weeks. Besides, I criticize movies, I don’t read books…for the purposes of movie criticism. I do know that we’ve got two more movies. And not many more people to kill off. That utopia couldn’t be too far off into the future.

This isn’t a movie made specifically for thinking people. It does have a similar ending to BIO-DOME. But that’s beside the point.  THE HUNGER GAMES series is for 13-year-old girls.  But they are not the only ones that can enjoy this movie. Pedophiles and psychopaths might like it too. And to you, the reader, wherever you may fall on the pedophile-psycopath continuum: I’m sure you won’t leave the theater hungry.

Final Verdict: 89 out of 100