Non-Stop

NON-STOP PG-13 106 Minutes Director: Jaume Collet-Serra Writers: John W. Richardson, Christopher Roach, Ryan Engle

CAST Liam Neeson…Bill Marks Julianne Moore…Jen Summers Scoot McNairy…Tom Bowen Michelle Dockery…Nancy Nate Parker…Zack White Corey Stoll…Austin Reilly Lupita Nyong’o…Gwen Omar Metwally…Dr. Fahim Nasir

SPEED III: CRUISING ALTITUDE

'If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of 'SPEED' but I'm currently on it.'-SNL S34E22 (Will Ferrell),

Liam Neeson Gets Pissed Off

Someone is holding the plane hostage... quietly. This person wants 150 million dollars. Similar to what DB Cooper accomplished. But this isn't 1971. After 9/11, hijacking a plane has become considerably more difficult.

Bill Marks is a hero, air marshall, and avid traveler. Bill has seen more places than Carmen San Diego. But it's all in a vain attempt to fly away from his personal problems, and deep emotional issues. This guy is never in a good mood, and doesn't have much to live for. So I predict good things for the passengers aboard this flight.

So Who Is It?

At the beginning, I suspected Julianne Moore. Maybe Eric Cartman was on to something. You can't trust those gingers. But I jumped the bomb on that one. She wasn't the hijacker.

The DOWNTON ABBY girl plays a flight attendant...you know...the main girl. I forget her name because I don't watch that show very often. Just one episode a week. Anyway, I know she's not the hijacker. People with British accents never do anything this bad.

I'm not a Math professor at Cal Tech, but it seems like it's definitely a passenger, who isn't a minority, because that's a racist thing to do in a movie. I could narrow it down further, but you get the point. You've seen enough ADT Security commercials to know that only white guys in their 30s commit horrific crimes. Perhaps I've said too much, I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

It Don't Stop And It Don't Quit

Despite all the hostage film clichés. Like trying to defuse a time bomb. This film had some interesting parts. The way Liam Neeson made eyes with Julianne Moore throughout the movie. I knew something was going to happen between those two. Oh, and something did happen. They're going out to dinner...at some restaurant in the Keflavik International Airport.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: In exchange for their cooperation with the terrorist situation, the air marshall promised many of the passengers unlimited, first-class travel for a year. I wonder if the airline honored this promise, even though the marshall did so without proper authorization.

RoboCop

ROBOCOP PG-13 117 Minutes Director: José Padilha Writers: Joshua Zetumer, Edward Neumeier, Michael Miner

CAST Joel Kinnaman...Alex Murphy/RoboCop Gary Oldman... Dr. Dennett Norton Michael Keaton...Raymond Sellars Abbie Cornish... Clara Murphy Michael K. Williams...Jack Lewis

'Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.'--SHORT CIRCUIT

You Have The Right To Remain Silent

You’ve seen the first ROBOCOP, but now there’s a twist. Robocop isn’t a cop at all. Oh, he plays a cop, but it’s on a pornographic website for people with transhuman-robot fetishes. It’s a lucrative business, because he’s the only product on the market. But now the federal government is stepping in, and shutting down his illegal monopoly.

No, I’m kidding. In 14 years, Kevin James looses two legs to diabetes. But malls still need security guards, and Paul Blart has mounting medical bills. So a Segway scooter gets grafted on to his lower body. Then, I don’t know, the Russian mafia tries to assassinate Louie Anderson, while he’s signing autographs at the cell phone accessory kiosk where he’s employed.

Sounds delightful, I know, but that was another joke of mine. I feel obligated to entertain you since the real ROBOCOP was sorely lacking in entertainment value. You’re better off watching the ‘Robo-Nerd II’ episode of FAMILY MATTERS. That being said, this film isn’t horrific. It is still better than the 1994 ROBOCOP TV show: that was just a guy in a Halloween costume.

It’s good to have Omar Little back. I didn’t like seeing my favorite character get killed by a ten-year-old on THE WIRE…SPOILER ALERT. The actor that portrayed Omar Little on THE WIRE, Michael K Williams, plays RoboCop’s partner and friend, that is, before Murphy transformed into a Robocop.

I think robots should run the criminal justice system. Overall, they’d be better at law enforcement. In court proceedings, I’d trust a robot more than a jury of my peers. Because robots could read thoughts, and predict future actions. We already have drones killing people in other countries. Yes, this oppressive utopia is very doable.

What I liked most was Michael Keaton. The older he gets, the more he starts to look like Christian Slater. This is merely a puzzling observation. But if you have to watch this movie; noticing this fact will help pass the time.

I don’t think Robocops are in our future. If they were to be invented, some years from now, one of them would have gone back in time, and arrested the filmmaker for crimes against humanity, or at the very least, prevent this ROBOCOP from ever getting made. Where is Jean-Claude Van Damme when you need him?

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Nurse 3D

NURSE (3D) R 124 Minutes Director: Douglas Aarinoikoski Writers: Douglas Aarinoikoski, David Loughery

CAST Paz de la Huerta…Abby Russell Katrina Bowden…Danni Judd Nelson…Dr. Morris

NURSE reminds me of THE GOOD SON (1993). Where Elijah Wood tried to prove how evil Macaulay Culkin was. Sure, he looked like a nice, normal kid. But behind that carefully crafted veneer, lurked a cigarette-smoking, psychopath, trying to kill his family.

Abby Rusell kills men who cheat on their wives. Because when she was young, she caught her dad sticking it to his secretary. She slit his throat. And Abby’s mom killed herself six months later. All before getting sent to a mental institution. She killed a nurse at the mental institution, and assumed her identity. That’s where this movie starts. I know the bible says, ‘judge not, and ye shall not be judged’. But this lady seems like a real jerk.

To seduce a rich, powerful man, you got to be attractive. That’s where this character falls short. Nurse Abby is like a 5 in the looks department, and I’m being generous. She’s about as handsome as Patrick Swayze in TO WONG FU THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

From a purely rational perspective, if you really want to punish no-good, cheatin’ men. It would be easier to give them AIDS. It can be done, she’s a resourceful nurse. The evil men would suffer greatly, for a longer period of time. And she would be long gone, before anyone noticed anything amiss. But she lets her impulses interfere with her long term objectives.  Abby is far too impulsive, and shortsighted to be a decent serial killer.

The best character is Judd Nelson. He’s a playboy,  A-List actor…I mean doctor. And surprise, surprise, he’s sleazy. Even though this man has a wife and kids, he routinely harasses the young nurses.  Saying things like, ‘you’ll fit in perfectly here’, as he stands directly behind a new nurse. A guy like this, he’ll definitely be spared in Abby’s rampage of justice.

This film ain’t all bad. There are a lot of good looking, naked people walking around. Even in places where it wouldn’t make sense. But there is not nearly enough nudity to compensate for the shortcomings of this movie.

In parts, NURSE is bad enough to be funny.  The acting is awful. Like SHOWGIRLS awful. The so-bad-it’s-good thing isn’t sustained for the entire movie though. So I recommend renting this movie, but be sure to keep your finger near the fast forward button.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Nebraska

NEBRASKA R 115 Minutes Director: Alexander Payne Writer: Bob Nelson

CAST Bruce Dern …Woody Grant Will Forte…David Grant June Squibb…Kate Grant Bob Odenkirk…Ross Grant Stacy Keach…Ed Pegram

‘There’s Woody’s little sister, Rose. She was only 19 when she was killed in a car wreck near Wausa. What a whore!’  -Kate Grant

Well there aren’t many new films worth seeing in the new year. So I figured I should review something Oscar-worthy. I did see BLUE JASMINE. While it had Vinny from Doogie Howser, with all this recent business of Woody Allen molesting his kids, I don’t know. It’s bad timing. I expect more from someone who married their adopted daughter. Personally, I think he’s the last guy that would molest children; because he on everyone’s radar for this type of behavior. In summary, BLUE JASMINE is definitely Andrew Dice Clay’s best movie though. Unless you count his comedy

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the Coen brothers best film either. And I like everything they do, well, almost everything.

PHILOMENA is a solid, feel-good movie, without the happy ending. The first time in her career, Judi Dench doesn’t come across as a stone cold, bitch.

NEBRASKA reminds of the scene in National Lampoon’s VACATION. Where Chevy Chase is driving with the family, and aunt Edna died in her sleep. But no one noticed she was dead for eight hours. Woody Grant is like Aunt Edna, when he dies no one will notice he’s dead, for a very long time.

This movie is fairly simple. Woody, a decrepit, old man, thinks he won a million dollars in a Publisher’s Clearing House-style sweepstakes. He wants to pick up his money in Nebraska. Eventually, he persuades his son to come with him to pick up his money. This is where you need to suspend disbelief. I don’t understand why someone would want to travel to Nebraska either.

NEBRASKA is shot in black and white. I suppose it works, it kind of gives it a pseudo-art film vibe. But I think SCHINDLER’S LIST kind of ruined black and white forever. The same way Hitler ruined the name Adolph.

There are a few boring parts, that don’t work comedically, or dramatically.  But if you stick with it, NEBRASKA comes to a very satisfying conclusion.

Final Verdict: 84 out 100

Sidenote: RIP Hoffman. Everyone should see SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK (the movie, not the city).

Ride Along

RIDE ALONG
PG-13
99 Minutes
Director: Tim Story   
Writers: Greg Coolidge, Jason Mantzoukas, Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi
Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, Tika Sumpter

CAST
Ice Cube…  James Payton
Kevin Hart…Ben Barber
John Leguizamo…Santiago
Bruce McGill…Lt. Brooks
Tika Sumpter…Angela Payton
Laurence Fishburne…Omar

Fuck The Police

Ice-T paved the way for other former rappers to play cops, like LL Cool J in NCIS: Los Angeles. So it’s not much of a shock to see AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted play a cop in film. Still, a rapper playing a cop, that’s crazy. It’s like Dr. Dre becoming a business person.

This isn’t a buddy-cop movie. That genre is too cliché. RIDE ALONG is about two men in a squad car, that don’t get along very well.

We Be (Billy) Clubbin’ 

Okay, let me set this movie up for you. James Payton, is on a high-speed chase, with foreign criminals, he destroys half the town, without apprehending the suspect. But, wait, there’s a twist: the police chief is an angry jerk. And this incident really pisses him off. Oh man, Ice Cube is a loose cannon.

Ben Barber is a security guard. He was just accepted into the police academy. But before he starts basic training; Ben wants to go on a ride along…with his very abrasive, future brother-in-law.

Every bad cop movie needs a villain. In this movie, it’s THE MATRIX guy. No, not that MATRIX guy, the one whose daughter does porn. Anyway, he plays the kingpin of an international criminal enterprise.

We don’t find out until the end that the  other cops in the force are crooked. And they’re working for the kingpin. Laurence Fishburne makes an enticing offer to Ice Cube: work for me, and I won’t shoot you, and c’mon, we’d make good partners. But Ice Cube has far too much integrity to accept the deal.

This film unfolds as you would expect: it doesn’t. If only it wasn’t a little more self-aware. They could’ve worked the satirical angle. Like THE HEAT.

Kevin Hart has overextended himself. He’s trying too hard to be the next Eddie Murphy. That last standup special was very half-Harted. As a comedian, you can get away with being a funny guy that appears in bad movies, like Chris Rock. But if you’re an unfunny comedian, that appears in bad movies, then you’re Martin Lawrence.

I’m a fan of Ice Cube’s road trip movies…I mean his music. So it’s tough for me to criticize him. But he’s become what he’s always despised: a studio gangsta.

Today was not a good day.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: Brace yourself, there are rumors of a sequel

Her

HER
R
126 Minutes
Director: Spike Jonze
Writer: Spike Jonze
Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams, Scarlett Johansson

Artist's Imagined Conception Of SamanthaCAST
Joaquin Phoenix…Theodore Twombly
Amy Adams…Amy
Scarlett Johansson…Samantha

Oh, wont you keep me warm tonight
You are such a sweet delight
I would cherish the memory of this night
Yes, I found my computer love
COMPUTER LOVE, Zapp and Roger

It’s tough to repair the damage from I’M STILL HERE. I thought the movie was entertaining, but a lot of other people didn’t. Now Joaquin Phoenix is attempting a full, Jim Carrey- CABLE-GUY-resurrection.  I don’t know if this excellent, pseudo-indie movie will do it. But it’s a good place to start.

This Theodore character is nerdy and socially awkward. I never thought Joaquin could pass off as a dork. But he’s a regular Rick Moranis here. Only when he’s wearing glasses though. Like the sexy librarian cliché.

Set in the near future HER is about a tortured writer who can’t find love .That is until he updated his computer software. As the story progresses, he begins to fall madly in love with this OS named Samantha. But Samantha is more than just a voice emanating from a cell phone. She’s like an ideal human without any physical presence. Only existing in a digital world. This all reminds me of the KING OF THE HILL episode where Bobby makes out with his girlfriend, a mannequin head.

Later in the movie, Theodore gets jealous, when Samantha meets the digital version of Alan Watts. Typical Buddhist philosopher, mackin’ on his girl. That ain’t right.  Just like my grandpa says, if you’re going to cheat, make a digital copy of yourself for the cheated person to love.

I hate to spoil the end; but it’s later revealed that there is no OS. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic.

I get where this guy is coming from. There’s this girl I talk to, Amy. My assistant. She has an adorable, British accent. Amy sets my alarm clock correctly, asks how I’m doing, and she doesn’t make me pay child support.

‘Sometimes I write something , and I’ll be my favorite writer that day.’- Michael Bay…I mean Theodore Twombly

I don’t know if this dating an OS thing is in our future. But I think robot lovers will eventually exist.  The next issue that conservatives will tackle is human-robot marriage. And if marriage isn’t possible, does having sex with a robot constitute cheating?
 
An original film like this doesn’t come around very often. HER feels Charlie Kauffman-esque. So you definitely should see this; a man’s career hinges on its success.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

Grudge Match

GRUDGE MATCH
PG-13
113 Minutes
Director: Peter Segal
Writers: Tim Kelleher, Rodney Rothman
Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, Kevin Hart

CAST
Sylvester Stallone…Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp
Robert De Niro…Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen
Kevin Hart…Dante Slate, Jr.
Kim Basinger…Sally
Alan Arkin…Louis ‘Lightning’ Conlon

'More money has been lost by people trying to imitate ROCKY than was ever made by the original picture.’ -Roger Ebert, STREETS OF GOLD (Review)

They’re Not Just Old, They’re Kobe Bryant Old

From the previews, GRUDGE MATCH looks like an average, inoffensive comedy. But that’s not the case at all, it teetered on the verge of average, but never got there.  From the beginning, it seems obvious that there aren’t any real surprises to look forward to. You know there is no way Stallone is going to lose in a boxing movie. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.

GRUDGE MATCH isn’t plausible. With two men, well into their 60s boxing. They wouldn’t make two rounds. That being said, plausibility is not this film’s problem.

ROCKY BALBOA vs RAGING BULL

Two actors…I mean boxers renew an old rivalry after they were offered a truckload of money to duke it out. So ‘Razor’ and the ‘The Kid’ come out of retirement for one last fight. But that’s it. There won’t be any ROCKY BALBOA (2006) movie.

Not much effort was put into the names. Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp, and Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen. Sharp is barely a real last name, but it does work with the Razor nickname. I mean it’s your only real option in the nickname department. I don’t know if the Billy ‘The Kid’ name works though. That character is no longer youthful or able to shoot guns with proficiency.

Mama Said Knock You Out

Stallone is a seasoned boxing-actor, where De Niro is just a guy who was in one excellent, boxing film.  Let me say, RAGING BULL is no ROCKY IV. While we’re on the subject; I can see why LL Cool J played a boxing coach here. He was in a music video that took place in a boxing ring.

I Coulda Been A Contender…

Sylvester Stallone has been in perfect shape for his entire life. And De Niro looks like his body was given the old, 300-CGI treatment. He just didn’t seem like a boxer. Everyone knows De Niro can only play himself, a mob guy, or a cop.

I know I say this about every movie; but this movie might have worked better with Tony Danza. He was an actual boxer, you know, before all the brain damage.

GRUDGE MATCH was original, well written, full of interesting characters, splendid cinematography, excellent pacing, and most of all, it was emotionally gripping, from start to finish. I think Shakespeare rose from the dead and wrote this screenplay.

This review is over. I’ve chewed your ear off long enough.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Walking With Dinosaurs

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS
PG
87 Minutes
Directors: Barry Cook, Neil Nightingale
Writer: John Collee
Charlie Rowe, Karl Urban, Angourie Rice

CAST
Charlie Rowe…Ricky (voice)
Karl Urban…Uncle Zack (voice)
Angourie Rice…Jade (voice)
John Leguizamo…Alex (voice)
Justin Long…Patchi (voice)

Hey thank you, I’ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!
[James Brown style]
Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum!
-Robin Williams, MRS DOUBTFIRE (1993)
 
LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW

WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS is a CGI family movie. It’s about ‘Patchi’, a dinosaur who wants to lead a pack of dinosaurs someday.

The premise starts with a family going on a road trip, to do some dinosaur hunting. I mean dinosaur bone hunting. Inexplicably, a bird starts narrating the movie. He lives in the present, but he also existed 67 million years ago.  So he can tell you what went on with the dinosaurs. Eventually, you forget about the humans from the beginning of the movie, but they show up at the end.

Remember the part of MRS DOUBTFIRE,  where Robin Williams is messing around with those toy dinosaurs . WALKING WITH DINOSAURS is 87 minutes of that: pure annoying-ness. Even your kids will find this boring. They should only watch this as punishment for something bad. Like killing a family pet or downloading movies off the internet.

In WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS, when the dinosaurs speak, the words don’t sync with their mouth movements.  It feels like people are just talking in the background: like MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER, without the humor. Or maybe dinosaurs communicate telepathically. I don't know for sure. Not that syncing the dialogue would make this picture any better. Because this film’s main issue is the dialogue itself: it isn’t very good.

There are many science lessons interspersed through out the film. We learn the names of some dinosaurs. I don’t remember what those names were. But we learned them nonetheless. I also remember that some of the dinosaurs had feathers. I admire how the film strives for scientific accuracy. It’s worth noting that JURASSIC PARK 4 won’t have any feathered creatures. But I don’t mind; feathered dinosaurs don’t look cool.

Dinosaurs are one of my favorite things. And it upsets me to see them desecrated like this. It’s incredibly difficult to screw up dinosaurs. Even that purple dinosaur is ‘super dee-duper’ in small doses. I don’t know about his friends though.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS sounds a lot like WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS, an excellent Discovery Channel series. So like an asteroid, the only way you’re going to encounter this piece of interstellar garbage is by accident.

Final Verdict: 6 out of 100