The Meteor Man (Retro)

THE METEOR MAN (1993) PG 100 Minutes Director: Robert Townsend Writer: Robert Townsend

CAST Robert Townsend...Jefferson Reed Eddie Griffin...Michael Marla Gibbs...Mrs. Reed Robert Guillaume...Ted Reed

THE METEOR MAN: Was It Really As Bad As People Remember?

In my retro reviews I like to examine the films that people forgot existed. METEOR MAN is one of those films.  Not many people saw it when it came out and people often confuse it with BLANK MAN. That's a tragedy because it wasn't that bad.

There aren't too many average black guys in movies. They're either 50 Cent, or Michael Jordan, but never Carl Winslow. Which is a subtle form of racism I never noticed before. In this movie, the protagonist is a regular, nerdy teacher...before turning into a god-like super hero.

I'm sure you know what METEOR MAN is about from the title alone. A mild-mannered teacher transforms into a super hero. He battles the bloods and crypts of his neighborhood. And persuades these rival gangs to put away their glocks, and start acting like role models.

The bloods and crypts may have stopped fighting, but there's another gang in town: the 'Golden Lords'. All the gang members have dyed their hair blonde. Oh man, Don Cheadle with blonde hair, leading a gang of blonde-haired kids; that's priceless. And it gets better. You can hear Cheadle's contractually obligated, audio commentary on the blue ray...no, I'm kidding. But I'm certain that if Don Cheadle died today, at his memorial, there would be a blown up picture of him from this movie.

James Earl Jones was the funniest guy in the film. He plays a balding, middle-aged man, obsessed with looking young. For example, in one scene, he's wearing a Kidd and Play whig, and a very early 90s, Malcolm X baseball jersey. I love how Jones convincingly plays his part with a straight face.

Sinbad, how did he have time for CONEHEADS, THE SINBAD SHOW, and METEOR MAN, all in the same year. Seems to me,  If one man has super powers, it's definitely SINBAD.

Bill Cosby is so creepy in this film. Like GHOST DAD creepy. Cosby appears at the beginning and shows up at the end randomly.  I don't know where he came from. Is he homeless, an apartment superintendent, or a Ghost Dad?

METEOR MAN is a family film, and not high art.  I love how bizarre and random everything is. Yes,  there are plot holes, and it's never clear what Meteor Man's powers are.  And if he can see through people's clothes, why do we see everyone in generic, white underwear?  Maybe he can only see through one layer of clothes. Still though, some people don't wear any underwear.

Check this out when you have the flu or are severely sleep deprived. I think you'll be able to follow it.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Blended

BLENDED PG-13 117 Minutes Director: Frank Coraci Writers: Ivan Menchell, Clare Sera

CAST Adam Sandler...Jim Drew Barrymore...Lauren Kevin Nealon...Eddy Terry Crews...Nickens Wendi McLendon-Covey...Jen

She's an uptight career woman. He's an impulsive loser. Why would these two ever choose to spend time with one another?

BLENDED starts out with a blind date at Hooters. Jim is a single dad, with a dead wife. Lauren is a single mom, with an asshole ex-husband. During the date, Adam Sandler acts like a jerk. Watching SPORTSCENTER, while Drew Barrymore is trying to engage him in conversation. I know, it feels like an episode of HOME IMPROVEMENT. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie.

I don't need to tell you how they all ended up on a family vacation in Africa. Only five minutes of the film takes place on the African savanna. Which means no one really needed to go to Africa. Maybe the real Adam Sandler planned on having an affair with Drew Barrymore. It's plausible, they do have undeniable on-screen chemistry. And  this awful film is an elaborate ruse for extramarital activities. Keep in mind, this is only a theory, and it's based on irresponsible speculation. But I don't know of any alternative explanations.

They don't get along at first, but then Jim falls in love with Lauren and then...well, you've seen THE WEDDING SINGER. They both learn something about life...from Billy Idol on an airplane.

Throughout this two-hour ordeal. I hoped Kevin James would make a cameo. Yeah, wishing Kevin James would show up, now that's a sign of a good film. Perhaps he'd be the keynote speaker at a zookeeper conference, and on the way to the La Quinta, Kevin would save everyone from an angry tiger with serious intimacy issues. But James was mysteriously absent. Maybe his schedule wouldn't allow for a 6-month vacation.

There are many things wrong with BLENDED, beyond what I've illustrated thus far. Bad jokes get repeated several times...from previous films. Sandler's daughter looks like a dude, we get it. Also, there was a dead mom gag, which is a tad morbid for such a broad comedy. FULL HOUSE found a way to avoid talking about the nonliving mother. And it made for a better comedy.

There is one thing I liked about this film, and it's Terry Crews. He really took his ten minutes of screen time, and made the most of a bad situation. He'd pop in randomly, singing songs with a band. Like that guy playing guitar in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. Also, Joel McHale wasn't bad, performance wise that is, although he did play a bad guy. As Drew Barrymore's asshole, ex-husband.

So BLENDED is not the worst Sandler comedy...ever. No, he's got 15 other movies that are just as bad. I could have just copied and pasted my earlier review from JUST GO WITH IT. But that would be lazy.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 100

Bear

BEARS PG 78 Minutes Directors: Alastair Fothergill, Keith Scholey

CAST John C. Reilly...(Voice Over) Bears

Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the bare necessities That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the bare necessities of life -THE JUNGLE BOOK

Check It Out!

Before I get started, I'd like to emphasize that this film really is about Bears, and not a particular sexual preference.

If you take a close look at Bears, you'll notice that they're really just fat wolves. Or put another way: bears are wolves in bears' clothing, but I digress.

BEARS is a fascinating account on the unbearable plight of brown bears in Alaska. They have it tough. Almost as tough as penguins...from that MADAGASCAR cartoon.

REAL CAST MEMBERS

Sky-Mamma bear, the main character. She's looking for salmon...and trouble. Mostly salmon though, otherwise she and her cubs won't survive the winter.

Scout-He's a cub who's far too adventurous for his own good.

Chinook-Little sister, not a risk taker.

Magnus-Don't mess with the alpha. Something tells me he could survive a shot-gun to the head, and kill you afterwards. He's a not-so-gentle-Ben.

Tikaani-Literally, the lone wolf, and not in a good way.

Featuring...John C. Reilly as a Morgan Freeman-type guy.

Also, there's a nameless raven who plays a crucial role in finding food for Sky. But the 'black bird singing in the dead of night' gets no love from these heartless documentarians. I would have named the bird Flacco, or Symone.

We know Sky is the mother. But I wonder who the father is. He was definitely present at some point in the movie. It just doesn't seem right. I think raising cubs would be easier with two parents.

So we get another inoffensive family movie from Disney. But I can't complain this time, I like nature documentaries. Nature films are getting better lately, ever since that NORTH AMERICA program aired. Now, that's a show worth watching. Oh man, Tom Selleck really set a new standard for voice over work on animal shows.

Problems?

There were only a couple of problems with this movie. I didn't like how that American Family Insurance song got incorporated in the soundtrack. Secondly, I wish these bears could talk.

Things I Now Know

BEARS is an informative documentary. I learned many new things about brown bears. Like they don't eat Teddy Grahams, or picnic baskets, and they don't have money to buy food from their car wash business.

Hibernation

BEAR shows you the plight of the brown bear, in a way Winnie The Pooh never could. I've seen every bear movie. And by far, BEAR is the best bear movie I've seen, and I'm including THE COUNTRY BEARS and the BAD NEWS BEARS (and its respective sequels). After seeing this movie, I now know what that bear patch on my cub scout uniform actually represents.

Final Verdict: 88 out of 100

God Is Not Dead

GOD IS NOT DEAD PG 113 Minutes Director: Harold Cronk Writers: Hunter Dennis, Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon

CAST Dean Caine...Mark Willie Robertson...Himself Shane Harper...Josh Wheaton Kevin Sorbo...Professor Radisson Korie Robertson...Herself Marco Khan ...Misrab

Caine And Able

GOD IS NOT DEAD isn't like most other religious movies. This one had some star power behind it. Featuring the guy from DUCK DYNASTY, Kevin Sorbo, and Dean Cain.

This is a movie about good and evil. The educated guy is evil. The college freshman is the good guy and the bad guy is an atheist philosophy professor. Does anyone else find it kind of ironic Kevin Sorbo used to play the son of God on a TV show?

Josh Wheaton is a first-year college student. One day, while sitting in philosophy class. Professor Sorbo tells everyone to write 'God Is Dead' on a piece of paper. But Josh just couldn't bring himself to do it. So Hercules challenges him to a debate. If this student can't convince his classmates that God does exist, he fails the class. Because that's how grades work in college.

This feat isn't as easy as it looks. Outside class, Sorbo makes many vague threats aimed at Josh; And to make matters worse, his longtime girlfriend dumps him. Because he's throwing his future away, although I'm sure there are other reasons.

The debate part made sense, that is, before everyone started talking. The worst part of this movie is when Josh. used 'begs the question' incorrectly. And this is in a philosophy class. Aristotle goes into great length on what begging the question actually is. Strangely enough, in GOD IS NOT DEAD, there is plenty of question begging, as well as other logical fallacies, and invalid deductive arguments. If a philosophy professor If a philosophy professor actually saw this movie, they'd roll around in an epileptic fit.

Dean Cain plays a an uncaring business person, who is indifferent toward his girlfriend with cancer. Dean was completely unnecessary, but I'm not upset with this man, his small role was rather entertaining, and he made a bad movie sightly easier to sit through. Additionally, I'm glad Dino is in something that doesn't involve resourceful dogs.

Other Random Questions

Who is this newspaper reporter? And why was she assigned to interview random religious people in an insulting way?

What's the deal with the Muslim girl getting beat by her dad for believing in Jesus? That doesn't seem right.

Toward The End Of My Review

After pontificating on some of the more serious issues addressed in this movie. I've concluded that I really don't know if there is a creator...of this film.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Bad Neighbors

BAD NEIGHBORS R 96 Minutes Director: Nicholas Stoller Writers: Andrew J. Cohen, Brendan O'Brien

CAST Seth Rogen...Mac Radner Rose Byrne...Kelly Radner Ike Barinholtz...Jimmy Zac Efron...Teddy Sanders Dave Franco...Pete

Mr. And Mrs. Buzz Kill Would Like To Welcome You To Our Neighborhood

Okay, let me set the scene for you. An obnoxious fraternity, Delta Psi, moves next to a young family. But wait, you're not going to believe what happens next. The frat and the family start out as friends. But tensions soon rise after the fraternity starts acting like a fraternity. Before long, there is an all out war: good guys versus bad guys. And just like with POLTERGEIST, moving to another home isn't going to destroy the beings that haunt them at night.

Movies featuring Seth Rogen have been funny. But I don't know if he can make a film funny on his own. Just take a look at THE GUILT TRIP. This is the first time Seth Rogen doesn't smoke pot in a movie. No I'm kidding, but it was the first time he got high on shrooms and pot in the same scene. Somehow, pot smoking gets worked into all Seth's movies. Even in 50/50, the film about a guy with terminal cancer.

If I'm watching a Seth Rogen movie, I know James Franco will probably show up somewhere. But he didn't. Don't fret though, we did get a guy who looks like James Franco, named Dave Franco.

Zac Efron's character is the party-animal president of Delta Psi, whose fraternity is on probation. The real Zac (without an h) did party too much, but it was only to prepare for his role on DR. DREW'S CELEBRITY REHAB...I mean BAD NEIGHBORS. As a method actor, not showing up hung over to the movie set would be unprofessional.

Would You Keep It Down Some Of Us Squares Are Trying To Sleep

I'm not saying you should avoid this film. There were funny moments, sparsely scattered throughout the film. It has enough solid laughs to get a B-Grade, but BAD NEIGHBORS doesn't quite make the dean's list. If you want to see a better movie starting with the word BAD, I recommend BAD SANTA or BAD GRANDPA.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Tokarev

TOKAREV R 93 Minutes Director: Paco Cebazas Writers: Jim Agnew, Sean Keller

CAST Danny Glover…Don Knotts Nicholas Cage…Paul Maguire Rachel Nichols…Vanessa Aubrey Peeples…Caitlin Maguire Peter Stormare…Francis O'Connell Danny Glover…Detective St. John

'I'm out of the game, you know that.'

This is a story about one man. He swore off the bad life a long time ago. Now he's ready to make an honest living. But that type of man can't keep it real for very long. Because he's just too good at doing bad things. But enough about Nick Cage.

Paul Maguire used to be in an Irish crime syndicate. Now he's the mayor's assistant. One night, while Paul and his wife are out for dinner, his daughter is killed in their home. Paul gets in touch with his old contacts. He kills a bunch of innocent suspects, Chuck Branson style, in a search to find the real killer. Because the police aren't going to do anything. Except scarf doughnuts, while throwing darts at a picture of his daughter.

I gave this movie a chance, because I figured if Danny Glover was in it, it couldn't be too bad. At the very least, I knew the Angels would win the pennant. But in TOKAREV, Glover plays the nicest police chief in the world. He makes Andy Griffith look like King Joffrey. In one instance, after a high-speed pursuit, Paul crashes into dozens of cars, and the police chief let's him go. But don't worry, Paul promised not to hurt any more people...in the man hunt for his daughter's killer: scout's honor.

Not everything is so bad in this movie. For one, Nick Cage kills himself at the end. Secondly, there's interesting plot twist. The killer was the person you'd least expect. Third, we get to see the most bizarre make out session in movie history. And lastly, TOKAREV is the Nick-Cagiest movie you're going to see in the near future. I suspect this film has collected dust for a couple of years. Because he's done some decent movies lately.

If you want to see this film, don't admit it to anyone. Just wait until you're sitting in a friend's living room, when they leave the room, order this movie On-Demand, but pretend you did it by accident. If it's already paid for, then it would be wasteful not to watch it.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Bad Words

BAD WORDS
R
89 Minutes
Director: Jason Bateman
Writer: Andrew Dodge

CAST Jason Bateman…Guy Rohan Chand…Chaitanya Chopra Philip Baker Hall…Dr. Bowman Kathryn Hahn…Jenny Widgeon

I love old movies where a golden retriever plays football because there is nothing in the rule book saying they can't. In BAD WORDS, there is a similar concept at work. A grown man, that never passed the eighth grade. Goes on to enter a children's spelling bee.

Doesn't Play Well With Others

I don't know how he got around compulsory education laws. You have to go to school until your 16. When I was in school, you literally couldn't fail any class until high school. Maybe he got left back twice, after starting kindergarten a year late. Whatever the case may be, Guy has not matured passed eighth grade. I guess you could say he's in arrested development...get it. At least it seems that way. He isn't mentally handicapped, he seems like a college educated professional, with a savant-like spelling ability. Unapologetically, Guy plays a bully, like Johnny Lawrence (of the Cobra Kai), from THE KARATE KID novel based on the motion picture.

What's His Motivation?

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why he's participating in children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee.

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why a grown man is participating in a children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing that keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee. As it turns out Guy isn't just some doosh (or is it douche?). No he's a man on a vendetta. That's all I can say, without spoiling things.

I know he's done many great things since, but anytime I see Jason Bateman, I think how hilarious he was in THE HOGAN FAMILY...in that episode where his friend died of AIDS.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S ?

From the previews, it seemed like BAD WORDS was just going to be a bad comedy; where they try and be as offensive as possible. While the film started out that way, things progressed, and I found myself laughing, and liking the complex characters. This movie felt like a kind of good, John Hughes movie, but it never sores into John- Hughes-movie-featuring-John-Candy territory.

No movie should end with a Smashing Pumpkins song, minus 5 points.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Sidenote: The main character's last name is 'Words'.

Son Of God

SON OF GOD PG-13 138 Minutes Director: Christopher Spencer Writers: Richard Bedser, Christopher Spencer, Colin Swash, Nick Young, God

Nelson: Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Bart: Who cares? Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. Jimbo: His name's Gunnar and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer. —THE SIMPSONS, DABF02

CAST Diogo Morgado... Jesus Amber Rose Revah... Mary Magdalena Joe Wredden...Judas Roma Downey...Mary, Mother of Jesus

7 Day Theory

I never paid attention in Sunday school, or to the Stations of the Cross. But that worked to my advantage. Because I had no idea how SON OF GOD would unfold.

Before I go any further. Christianity is a sensitive subject. So I'll try to keep the blasphemy to a minimum. Which means no jokes about cross training shoes.

This movie...

-Is not about George Burn's kid.

-Nor is it a continuation of HE GOT GAME; unfortunately, there is no second coming of Jesus Shuttlesworth.

-Doesn't feature Morgan Freeman.

I'm Just Going To List My Complaints:

-There's not enough 'passion'.

-The film maker assumes we've already read the book. And that we can just mentally fill in the details. Just like with that GOOSEBUMPS TV show. If I wanted to read a book, I'll go to school, where I'm forced to read.

-There is no humor, and it's far too serious. Would it kill someone to crack a smile?

-The plot moved too slow, and the excessive James Earl Jones-esque narration didn't help either.

-The overall lack of historical accuracy and the lack of artistic license.

-The Romans couldn't have been that bad. I may have to contact the Italian Anti-Defamation league. Because Mamma mia, that's-a spicy meat ball-a!

-Did that Judas guy have to be such a dick?

-I'm not Johnny Cochran or anything, but this Jesus fellow, he got a raw deal.

Miscellaneous Observations

-John the Baptist looks like Adam Duritz.

-The evil guy in the grim reaper outfit looks like Obama, before he transforms into a snake. The symbolism here is puzzling.

-It's always a good sign if you haven't heard of any of the actors in a picture. Although there was one actor I did recognize. The lady with the Irish accent in TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. I think she committed a horrific crime, and figures the safest thing to do is hide out on the set of an obscure movie: nice try.

That Last Meal

This felt like a MONTY PYTHON film, without the intentional jokes. SON OF GOD, the film-not the guy, goes beyond Mel Gibson-bad, it's full-on, Kirk Cameron-bad. While I didn't pay very close attention in Sunday school, I do remember the seventh commandment: thou shall not steal my precious time.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Sidenote: Five of those points are because the film's chief character looks like me.