Stone Cold (Retro)

STONE COLD (1991)
R
92 Minutes
Director: Craig R. Baxley
Writer: Walter Doniger

CAST
Brian Bosworth... John Stone
Lance Henriksen... Chains Cooper
William Forsythe... Ice
Arabella Holzbog...Nancy
Sam McMurray... Lance

I know you wish you could be me

Cuz when I ride my hog the girls get freaky

They hear us comin from a mile away

We hella clean; we ridin in style today
 -Too $hort, HOG RIDIN

WHO'S THE BOZ?

With football season upon us, I think I have an excuse to review STONE COLD. There are so many former football players who made a successful transition into the world of acting. Terry Bradshaw was in that Matthew McConaughey movie. Also, there's Dan Marino in ACE VENTURA. And let's not forget about LL Cool J. After a career ending injury, when he played for the Raiders. LL became a nanny for a single mom...No, wait, that was a TV show.

Brian Bosworth was a linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks in the late 80s. Until Johnny Manziel came around, 'The Boz', was the most obnoxious athlete to have ever existed. Bosworth, after three seasons, tried taking his talents to the field of acting. On his first film, Brian leaves us with one hell of a movie.

Joe Huff is a police officer like no other. He plays by his own rules. So it's a big surprise, when he gets suspended, after shooting a bunch of criminals down in a grocery store. (yes, that does sound like the beginning of COBRA). To get his old job back as a police officer, Joe is forced to work for the FBI. Which involves infiltrating an all-powerful, southern biker gang.

Sam McMurray is Joe's FBI partner. He's the Danny Glover of the partnership (sensible, uptight, and a complete square). I must say  when Sam took this role, career-wise, things were going swimmingly for him. A couple WHO'S THE BOSS episodes, and then STONE COLD. All in the same year.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD

This film only features motorcycle stunts, ass-kicking, and snide remarks  ...which is all perfectly executed. This film is good, I'm talking ROADHOUSE-good.

If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, watch this movie on YouTube, perhaps while consuming a bottle of Boones Farm.

So in continuing with the football player-actor theme, next week I'll be reviewing FIRESTORM, with Howie Long. Only if I can get through the movie though. Keep your fingers crossed.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm giving about 30 points extra credit here. I believe anyone who hates John Elway that much deserves some credit, even if they're in a bad movie.

Let's Be Cops

LET'S BE COPS
R
104 Minutes
Director: Luke Greenfield
Writers: Luke Greenfield, Nicholas Thomas

CAST                                                    Jake Johnson...Ryan                  Damon Wayans Jr...Justin
Rob Riggle...Segars
Nina Dobrev...Josie

'We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those POLICE ACADEMY movies?  For fun?  Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!  Did you?!  Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I?  Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.'          -Homer, THE SIMPSONS (3F07)

Just like with that BATTLESHIP movie, it seems like someone came up with the LET'S BE COPS title before writing the screenplay. I've never seen a movie so unapologetically bland, and middle-of-the-road. It's the film equivalent to Hootie and the Blowfish's, I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Ryan and Justin are a couple of 'regular guys' in their early 30s, who, like the title suggests, decide to imitate police officers.

This movie isn't supposed to be realistic. Any scheme like this would land you on DATELINE or in a penitentiary. These fake cops walked around in generic uniforms, without the proper patches. You can't overlook these details. Don't half-ass it, because people will notice.  When I dressed up as Fox Mulder for a costume party, I spent an hour at Kinko's trying to make a realistic-looking TV-FBI badge. It's too bad I didn't look like David Duchovny though, with my beard and all.

Kevin James, Seth Rogen, and Kevin Hart played security guards who wanted to be police officers. The cadets in POLICE ACADEMY, weren't real police officers. And one could argue Batman was just a wannabe cop, who couldn't pass a psychological evaluation. LET'S BE COPS runs contrary to all previous cop-imitator films. These men only care about looking like cops. Nonetheless, Justin and Ryan find themselves having to enforce laws, in the process of trying to pick up women. Picking up women would be easier if you pretended to be a fireman. They've done real studies on this. Additionally, it's easier to lie about being a fireman. And people don't hate you as much.

Even with all my criticism, I still feel most people have been too hard on this film. Yeah, it was predictable, and the characters weren't very interesting. But there was some nice action, and ttfm rd ga few segments of engaging cinema. So LET'S BE COPS won't make you laugh, but it won't piss you off either. You'll leave the theater,  just shrugging your shoulders, never thinking about this movie again.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Prince

THE PRINCE
R
93 Minutes
Director: Brad A Williams
Writers: Andre Fabrizio, Jeremy Passmore

CAST Bruce Willis…Omar                                    John Cusack…Sam                              Andara Holt…Candice                         Jessica Lowndes …Angela                          50 Cent…The Pharmacy                       Jason Patric…Paul

WHAT UP GANGSTA?

Normally, movies this bad go straight to video. But this one deified the odds, and got a wide release. I watched THE PRINCE, because 50 Cent was in the credits. The same way I saw EXIT WOUNDS because of DMX (I knew Steven Seagal couldn't carry such an ambitious piece of art on his own). But 50 is in the movie for less than five minutes, and his performance left my hunger for hardcore-gangsta-shit, unsatiated.

THE TITLE

THE PRINCE is a bad title for a film. Because I can't tell what it's about. It could be about the musician, Prince. Or the 'Fresh Prince', Will Smith. Or it could be based on the book by Niccolò Machiavelli. But most likely, I would think THE PRINCE is about the son of King Ralph. Yes, there are countless possibilities, but this movie isn't a likely one. To eliminate confusion, I propose ESCAPE FROM LA for the title. Because the main character is trying to leave Louisiana.

This film is about Paul, a man who has lost touch with his drug-addled, college dropout, daughter. So he searches for her in New Orleans. But there's a twist. Paul used to be a successful criminal. That is, until he accidentally blew up Bruce Willis's wife, and five-year-old daughter in a car bomb. Bruce Willis wants his revenge...on the viewing audience...I mean Paul's daughter. And rightly so, the protagonist seems like (and you'll have to excuse my language here) a big jerk. So why would I want to root for Paul?

THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS

Just stop it Bruce, with the bad movies, where you play criminal masterminds. You're turning into a non-entertaining Christopher Walken. I suggest you start doing those Seagram's wine cooler commercials again.

THE PRINCE has more shooting than a Perseids meteor shower (that's a super-dorky reference that flew right over your head). The dialogue here serves only to initiate violence. And don't get me wrong, my sensibilities aren't delicate, I don't mind gratuitous violence. But the violence here does nothing for the film, it's not even cartoonish, or funny, like in COMMANDO or NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

I recommend burning down any theater playing this movie, INGLORIOUS BASTERDS-style. Not literally of course. I don't want you to shoot people with automatic weapons. Because this needs to look like an accident.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Sidenote: John Cusack looks like Nick Cage with down syndrome.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PG-13 101 Minutes Director: Jonathan Liebesman Writers: Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec

CAST Megan Fox...April O'Neil Will Arnett...Vernon Fenwick William Fichtner...Eric Sacks Alan Richson...Raphael Noel Fisher...Michelangelo Jeremy Howard...Donatello Johnny Knoxville...Leonardo (voice). Tony Shalhoub...Splinter (voice) Tohoru Masamune...Shredder

HEROES IN A HALF SHELL?

I vividly remember seeing the original NINJA TURTLES. I saw the movie at an old-fashioned theater with uncomfortable, wooden seats. And I remember that my parents were too cheap to by any concessions. I loved the movie itself; it left an indelible impression on my very soul.

I've waited two years for this latest reincarnation of THE TEENAGE NINJA TURTLES. Michael Bay produced this movie, which why I had high hopes: an overgrown man-child should know how to do the Ninja Turtles right, if nothing else.

I am just going to start with my overall impression of the picture. I found it too quick, and intense. There just wasn't enough time to get emotionally attached to the characters. Sure, there were great moments. And by no means was this film awful. But I was looking for a life-changing experience, and I didn't get one.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

There is far too much Whoopi Goldberg in this movie, and by that I mean any amount. Seriously though, Whoopi appears very briefly as Miss O'Neil's boss.

Tony Shalhoub does Splinter's voice. Really? The guy from WINGS. That's not realistic, it's insulting and incredibly distracting. Because everyone knows that Splinter learned broken English from a Japanese guy. We need someone like Pat Mortia or David Carradine. Steven Seagal maybe?

'BANDANNA ON MY FACE LIKE A GANGSTER'

No complaints on the soundtrack. As far as anthropomorphic, turtle movie soundtracks go, this is the best you'll find. That 'SHELL SHOCKED' song is about as gangsta as Al Capone. All that being said, I got to doc points for the lack of Vanilla Ice...I'm sorry.

TMNT is the best Nickelodeon movie since GOOD BURGER, and yes, that does include THE WILD THORNBERRYS film. I recommend seeing this, not because it's so great, but mainly because I want more NINJA TURTLES movies to be made. They'll get it 'radical'...next time.

ALSO...

Check out the recent TURTLE POWER documentary on the history of The Ninja Turtles. The geekier you are, the more you'll enjoy it.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Sidenote: the character 'Casey Jones' was based on 'Jack Burton' from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.

Expendables 3

EXPENDABLES 3
PG-13
126 Minutes
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writers: Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt, Dave Callaham

CAST
Sylvester Stallone...Barney Ross
Jason Statham...Lee Christmas
Jet Li...Yin Yang
Antonio Banderas...Galgo
Wesley Snipes ...Doc
Dolph Lundgren...Gunner Jensen
Mel Gibson...Conrad Stonebanks
Harrison Ford...Max Drummer
Arnold Schwarzenegger...Trench

SAVED BY THE BELL: THE NEW CLASS Meets SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLLEGE YEARS

Another year, another EXPENDABLES movie.  I suppose this can't go on forever, unless you CGI everyone perfectly. Then you'll get to enjoy EXPENDABLES 50 on a holographic module from a cryogenic chamber.

During a failed mission, Terry Crews get severely injured, landing him in the hospital. Yes, it seems the crew is getting too old for this shit. So Barney Ross hires some younger folks to complete the original mission. Kind of like Justin Long in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. John McClane can't do shit without the young computer hacker leading the way.

Back From My Digression

The new class gets kidnapped and, guess what, the old fogeys have to rescue them. Oh, you thought the old guys where going to drink themselves to death. No, not yet. The original crew has a couple of additions. First, we have Wesley Snipes, his specialty is cutting people up...with blades. And Secondly, there's Harrison Ford, head of the CIA. I think Ford is in this movie only because Stallone didn't want to be the oldest guy on the set.

He's doesn't hang out for very long, but there is no reason for Kelsey Grammer to appear in any EXPENDABLES movie. Yeah, I'll give him a few points, since he was once married to a softcore porn star. But growing a five o'clock shadow, and drinking out of a flask, doesn't fool anyone...Fraiser Crane.

'Hey Barney! You should have killed me when you had the chance, if you want the kids, come get 'em!'

Mel Gibson is the perfect villain. His character is a disgruntled, Ex-Expendable. It's like SKYFALL, when the villain was a member of MI6, before going rogue. Gibson made this film the best of the franchise. All the trouble he's gotten into in recent years has worked out in his favor. He's so good at acting like a crazed psychopath, you forget he's even acting. 

EXPENDABLES 3 pushes the bounds of a PG-13 rating. There's a couple of F-Bombs, so you may want to leave the toddlers in the car, while you watch it. In conclusion, if you like seeing people die, this is the film for you.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Life Itself

LIFE ITSELF R 115 Minutes Director: Steve James

CAST Roger Ebert Gene Siskel Chaz Ebert Werner Herzog Marty Scorsese

‘I love seeing the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard’- Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS (7F12)

Just like his reviews, LIFE ITSELF documents the life of Roger Ebert. But because he was so open about his life, there isn’t much new information. Except the alcoholism in the 60s and 70s. Knowing he was drinking all the time kind of makes his Pulitzer Prize all the more impressive.

This film really put an end to the feud between Siskel and Ebert. There’s a reason we have no Gene Siskel documentaries. Because Ebert won the popularity contest.

I’m sure there’s a reason. This documentary was getting made, regardless of whether Ebert died. So I think it was Roger’s decision. It’s like if you did a documentary on the Four Tops, you wouldn’t feel the need to include the current, 23 year-old, lead vocalist.

Werner Herzog laughs and cries, well, for the first time in his entire life. That’s worth full, non-matinee ticket price, with a large popcorn, large Coke, Milk Duds, and another movie ticket, so you have a place to put all these concessions.

It feels a little meta, criticizing a critic. Full disclosure: I’d give the documentary a good review, even if it were bad. But I doubt Roger Ebert would give LIFE ITSELF four stars (maybe five or six). He might have hated the predictable ending. So I’m erring on the side of caution.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

The Meteor Man (Retro)

THE METEOR MAN (1993) PG 100 Minutes Director: Robert Townsend Writer: Robert Townsend

CAST Robert Townsend...Jefferson Reed Eddie Griffin...Michael Marla Gibbs...Mrs. Reed Robert Guillaume...Ted Reed

THE METEOR MAN: Was It Really As Bad As People Remember?

In my retro reviews I like to examine the films that people forgot existed. METEOR MAN is one of those films.  Not many people saw it when it came out and people often confuse it with BLANK MAN. That's a tragedy because it wasn't that bad.

There aren't too many average black guys in movies. They're either 50 Cent, or Michael Jordan, but never Carl Winslow. Which is a subtle form of racism I never noticed before. In this movie, the protagonist is a regular, nerdy teacher...before turning into a god-like super hero.

I'm sure you know what METEOR MAN is about from the title alone. A mild-mannered teacher transforms into a super hero. He battles the bloods and crypts of his neighborhood. And persuades these rival gangs to put away their glocks, and start acting like role models.

The bloods and crypts may have stopped fighting, but there's another gang in town: the 'Golden Lords'. All the gang members have dyed their hair blonde. Oh man, Don Cheadle with blonde hair, leading a gang of blonde-haired kids; that's priceless. And it gets better. You can hear Cheadle's contractually obligated, audio commentary on the blue ray...no, I'm kidding. But I'm certain that if Don Cheadle died today, at his memorial, there would be a blown up picture of him from this movie.

James Earl Jones was the funniest guy in the film. He plays a balding, middle-aged man, obsessed with looking young. For example, in one scene, he's wearing a Kidd and Play whig, and a very early 90s, Malcolm X baseball jersey. I love how Jones convincingly plays his part with a straight face.

Sinbad, how did he have time for CONEHEADS, THE SINBAD SHOW, and METEOR MAN, all in the same year. Seems to me,  If one man has super powers, it's definitely SINBAD.

Bill Cosby is so creepy in this film. Like GHOST DAD creepy. Cosby appears at the beginning and shows up at the end randomly.  I don't know where he came from. Is he homeless, an apartment superintendent, or a Ghost Dad?

METEOR MAN is a family film, and not high art.  I love how bizarre and random everything is. Yes,  there are plot holes, and it's never clear what Meteor Man's powers are.  And if he can see through people's clothes, why do we see everyone in generic, white underwear?  Maybe he can only see through one layer of clothes. Still though, some people don't wear any underwear.

Check this out when you have the flu or are severely sleep deprived. I think you'll be able to follow it.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Blended

BLENDED PG-13 117 Minutes Director: Frank Coraci Writers: Ivan Menchell, Clare Sera

CAST Adam Sandler...Jim Drew Barrymore...Lauren Kevin Nealon...Eddy Terry Crews...Nickens Wendi McLendon-Covey...Jen

She's an uptight career woman. He's an impulsive loser. Why would these two ever choose to spend time with one another?

BLENDED starts out with a blind date at Hooters. Jim is a single dad, with a dead wife. Lauren is a single mom, with an asshole ex-husband. During the date, Adam Sandler acts like a jerk. Watching SPORTSCENTER, while Drew Barrymore is trying to engage him in conversation. I know, it feels like an episode of HOME IMPROVEMENT. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie.

I don't need to tell you how they all ended up on a family vacation in Africa. Only five minutes of the film takes place on the African savanna. Which means no one really needed to go to Africa. Maybe the real Adam Sandler planned on having an affair with Drew Barrymore. It's plausible, they do have undeniable on-screen chemistry. And  this awful film is an elaborate ruse for extramarital activities. Keep in mind, this is only a theory, and it's based on irresponsible speculation. But I don't know of any alternative explanations.

They don't get along at first, but then Jim falls in love with Lauren and then...well, you've seen THE WEDDING SINGER. They both learn something about life...from Billy Idol on an airplane.

Throughout this two-hour ordeal. I hoped Kevin James would make a cameo. Yeah, wishing Kevin James would show up, now that's a sign of a good film. Perhaps he'd be the keynote speaker at a zookeeper conference, and on the way to the La Quinta, Kevin would save everyone from an angry tiger with serious intimacy issues. But James was mysteriously absent. Maybe his schedule wouldn't allow for a 6-month vacation.

There are many things wrong with BLENDED, beyond what I've illustrated thus far. Bad jokes get repeated several times...from previous films. Sandler's daughter looks like a dude, we get it. Also, there was a dead mom gag, which is a tad morbid for such a broad comedy. FULL HOUSE found a way to avoid talking about the nonliving mother. And it made for a better comedy.

There is one thing I liked about this film, and it's Terry Crews. He really took his ten minutes of screen time, and made the most of a bad situation. He'd pop in randomly, singing songs with a band. Like that guy playing guitar in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. Also, Joel McHale wasn't bad, performance wise that is, although he did play a bad guy. As Drew Barrymore's asshole, ex-husband.

So BLENDED is not the worst Sandler comedy...ever. No, he's got 15 other movies that are just as bad. I could have just copied and pasted my earlier review from JUST GO WITH IT. But that would be lazy.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 100