Necessary Roughness (Retro)

NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (1991)
PG-13
108 Minutes
Director: Stan Dragoti.
Writers: Rick Natkin, David Fuller

CAST
Scott Bakula...Paul Blake Hector Elizondo...Ed Gennero Robert Loggia...Coach Wally Rig Larry Miller...Dean Phillip Elias Sinbad...Professor Andre Krimm

MAKING THE QUANTUM LEAP

Less preposterous than MAJOR LEAGUE III: BACK TO THE MINORS, where Scott Bakula played a baseball player in his 40s; NECESSARY ROUGHNESS is about a 34-year old who gets to play a college quarterback. All because of a technicality. I think it's the same technicality that allows angels and golden retrievers to play competitive football.

Texas State University has a shortage of eligible players. So all the Armadillo players have to play offense and defense.

BACK TO SCHOOL: RODNEY DANGERFIELD STYLE

The cast of 90210 were all pretty old, but  there was only one actor in their 30s, Andrea, and she wasn't around very often either (I know, technically, she was only 29 when the show started...freshman year). But in this movie, just when you came to terms with the 34-year-old quarterback. We are asked to suspend disbelief once again.  Sinbad shows up, he's a chemistry professor, working on a PHD, yet he has enough stamina to play offensive, and defensive football.

GARBAGE PICKING FIELD GOAL KICKING PHENOMENON

Kathy Ireland is the greatest actor...ever. Yeah, she's a girl, and a field goal kicker...get used to it.

Larry Miller plays the classic college dean as only he can play. Like he did in those NUTTY PROFESSOR films. This dean is always menacingly, watching the football team. That asshole thinks academics are more important than sports. Don't worry though, he gets his. Right before the credits roll, a gun was pointed at his head (that's not a joke).

Rob Schneider made a cameo. Well, it was more like several cameos. But things are not as bad as they seem. I can deal with a pre-DEUCE BIGALOW Rob Schneider. Because he never attempts to make any jokes, from what I can tell anyway.

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

In this role, Scott Bakula looks more ridiculous than Payton Manning in a Papa John's commercial. With his jersey tucked into his jeans. Nonetheless, this movie has its moments, but not too many. I think it was because Scott Bakula starred in QUANTUM LEAP, while this film was getting made.

'DILLOS...MORE LIKE DILDOS

Football movies are either good or very bad. For every FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, or VARSITY BLUES, you have terrible counterparts. Like THE REPLACEMENTS, or WILDCATS. But NECESSARY ROUGHNESS performs a rare feat, and manages to keep things at the 50-yard line, being neither good, nor bad, nor memorable.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Left Behind

LEFT BEHIND
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Vic Armstrong
Writers: Jerry B. Jenkins, Tim LaHaye, Paul Lalonde, John Patus

CAST
Nicolas Cage...Rayford Steele
Lea Thompson...Irene Steele
Chad Michael Murray...Buck William

LEFT BEHIND is a biopic of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, before TLC, when she worked at a gentleman's club. No, I'm only joking, but my fictional movie would be better than the real LEFT BEHIND.

Walking in, I thought I'd be in an empty movie theater. Where I could just kick up my feet and live tweet through the movie. But no, the theater was filled to about 25 percent capacity. Ben Affleck's movie was sold out. So I think that may have factored into this equation

Anyone who has seen FULL HOUSE knows all the episodes end the same way. There's serious music playing, while Danny lectures Stephanie on the dangers of cigarette smoking. LEFT BEHIND felt like an extended version of a FULL HOUSE ending. Which includes one prolific, father-daughter hug session at the end. For the record, I'm not hating on FULL HOUSE, I'm just pointing out the worst part of the show. So please, no angry emails.

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

Kirk Cameron was right, the rapture has begun. Maybe I'm the cause of this, with all those impure thoughts I've had about Mrs. Butterworth.

Everyone under the age of 18 disappears spontaneously. To heaven? Perhaps, but physical bodies disappeared as well.  Souls go up to heaven, people don't. So I don't understand where the physical bodies went. It's like in ENVY (yeah, don't watch that movie). Jack Black invented Vapoorize. It made dog crap disappear into thin air. But the dog crap went somewhere? We never find out.

Some of LEFT BEHIND feel Stephen Kingish. If you pay attention closely, you'll notice hints of THE LANGOLIERS, scattered about the film. Like the part where a bunch of people spontaneously disappear on an airplane.

Part of the movie took place at the hospital where I was born, just outside Garden City, New York (not really though, this movie was filmed entirely in Louisiana). LEFT BEHIND makes Long Islanders look horrible. If children spontaneously disappeared, we wouldn't start murdering each other.We would start looting iPads, Sean John wear, and pharmaceuticals. Even the looting would only last so long. Without children people would be too depressed to do much of anything.

LEFT BEHIND is offensive to religious and non-religious people. No one should be subjected to Nick Cage's worst movie.  In the real rapture, this film would start playing in every movie theater.

Final Verdict: 2 out of 100

Stone Cold (Retro)

STONE COLD (1991)
R
92 Minutes
Director: Craig R. Baxley
Writer: Walter Doniger

CAST
Brian Bosworth... John Stone
Lance Henriksen... Chains Cooper
William Forsythe... Ice
Arabella Holzbog...Nancy
Sam McMurray... Lance

I know you wish you could be me

Cuz when I ride my hog the girls get freaky

They hear us comin from a mile away

We hella clean; we ridin in style today
 -Too $hort, HOG RIDIN

WHO'S THE BOZ?

With football season upon us, I think I have an excuse to review STONE COLD. There are so many former football players who made a successful transition into the world of acting. Terry Bradshaw was in that Matthew McConaughey movie. Also, there's Dan Marino in ACE VENTURA. And let's not forget about LL Cool J. After a career ending injury, when he played for the Raiders. LL became a nanny for a single mom...No, wait, that was a TV show.

Brian Bosworth was a linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks in the late 80s. Until Johnny Manziel came around, 'The Boz', was the most obnoxious athlete to have ever existed. Bosworth, after three seasons, tried taking his talents to the field of acting. On his first film, Brian leaves us with one hell of a movie.

Joe Huff is a police officer like no other. He plays by his own rules. So it's a big surprise, when he gets suspended, after shooting a bunch of criminals down in a grocery store. (yes, that does sound like the beginning of COBRA). To get his old job back as a police officer, Joe is forced to work for the FBI. Which involves infiltrating an all-powerful, southern biker gang.

Sam McMurray is Joe's FBI partner. He's the Danny Glover of the partnership (sensible, uptight, and a complete square). I must say  when Sam took this role, career-wise, things were going swimmingly for him. A couple WHO'S THE BOSS episodes, and then STONE COLD. All in the same year.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD

This film only features motorcycle stunts, ass-kicking, and snide remarks  ...which is all perfectly executed. This film is good, I'm talking ROADHOUSE-good.

If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, watch this movie on YouTube, perhaps while consuming a bottle of Boones Farm.

So in continuing with the football player-actor theme, next week I'll be reviewing FIRESTORM, with Howie Long. Only if I can get through the movie though. Keep your fingers crossed.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm giving about 30 points extra credit here. I believe anyone who hates John Elway that much deserves some credit, even if they're in a bad movie.

Let's Be Cops

LET'S BE COPS
R
104 Minutes
Director: Luke Greenfield
Writers: Luke Greenfield, Nicholas Thomas

CAST                                                    Jake Johnson...Ryan                  Damon Wayans Jr...Justin
Rob Riggle...Segars
Nina Dobrev...Josie

'We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those POLICE ACADEMY movies?  For fun?  Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!  Did you?!  Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I?  Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.'          -Homer, THE SIMPSONS (3F07)

Just like with that BATTLESHIP movie, it seems like someone came up with the LET'S BE COPS title before writing the screenplay. I've never seen a movie so unapologetically bland, and middle-of-the-road. It's the film equivalent to Hootie and the Blowfish's, I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Ryan and Justin are a couple of 'regular guys' in their early 30s, who, like the title suggests, decide to imitate police officers.

This movie isn't supposed to be realistic. Any scheme like this would land you on DATELINE or in a penitentiary. These fake cops walked around in generic uniforms, without the proper patches. You can't overlook these details. Don't half-ass it, because people will notice.  When I dressed up as Fox Mulder for a costume party, I spent an hour at Kinko's trying to make a realistic-looking TV-FBI badge. It's too bad I didn't look like David Duchovny though, with my beard and all.

Kevin James, Seth Rogen, and Kevin Hart played security guards who wanted to be police officers. The cadets in POLICE ACADEMY, weren't real police officers. And one could argue Batman was just a wannabe cop, who couldn't pass a psychological evaluation. LET'S BE COPS runs contrary to all previous cop-imitator films. These men only care about looking like cops. Nonetheless, Justin and Ryan find themselves having to enforce laws, in the process of trying to pick up women. Picking up women would be easier if you pretended to be a fireman. They've done real studies on this. Additionally, it's easier to lie about being a fireman. And people don't hate you as much.

Even with all my criticism, I still feel most people have been too hard on this film. Yeah, it was predictable, and the characters weren't very interesting. But there was some nice action, and ttfm rd ga few segments of engaging cinema. So LET'S BE COPS won't make you laugh, but it won't piss you off either. You'll leave the theater,  just shrugging your shoulders, never thinking about this movie again.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Prince

THE PRINCE
R
93 Minutes
Director: Brad A Williams
Writers: Andre Fabrizio, Jeremy Passmore

CAST Bruce Willis…Omar                                    John Cusack…Sam                              Andara Holt…Candice                         Jessica Lowndes …Angela                          50 Cent…The Pharmacy                       Jason Patric…Paul

WHAT UP GANGSTA?

Normally, movies this bad go straight to video. But this one deified the odds, and got a wide release. I watched THE PRINCE, because 50 Cent was in the credits. The same way I saw EXIT WOUNDS because of DMX (I knew Steven Seagal couldn't carry such an ambitious piece of art on his own). But 50 is in the movie for less than five minutes, and his performance left my hunger for hardcore-gangsta-shit, unsatiated.

THE TITLE

THE PRINCE is a bad title for a film. Because I can't tell what it's about. It could be about the musician, Prince. Or the 'Fresh Prince', Will Smith. Or it could be based on the book by Niccolò Machiavelli. But most likely, I would think THE PRINCE is about the son of King Ralph. Yes, there are countless possibilities, but this movie isn't a likely one. To eliminate confusion, I propose ESCAPE FROM LA for the title. Because the main character is trying to leave Louisiana.

This film is about Paul, a man who has lost touch with his drug-addled, college dropout, daughter. So he searches for her in New Orleans. But there's a twist. Paul used to be a successful criminal. That is, until he accidentally blew up Bruce Willis's wife, and five-year-old daughter in a car bomb. Bruce Willis wants his revenge...on the viewing audience...I mean Paul's daughter. And rightly so, the protagonist seems like (and you'll have to excuse my language here) a big jerk. So why would I want to root for Paul?

THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS

Just stop it Bruce, with the bad movies, where you play criminal masterminds. You're turning into a non-entertaining Christopher Walken. I suggest you start doing those Seagram's wine cooler commercials again.

THE PRINCE has more shooting than a Perseids meteor shower (that's a super-dorky reference that flew right over your head). The dialogue here serves only to initiate violence. And don't get me wrong, my sensibilities aren't delicate, I don't mind gratuitous violence. But the violence here does nothing for the film, it's not even cartoonish, or funny, like in COMMANDO or NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

I recommend burning down any theater playing this movie, INGLORIOUS BASTERDS-style. Not literally of course. I don't want you to shoot people with automatic weapons. Because this needs to look like an accident.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Sidenote: John Cusack looks like Nick Cage with down syndrome.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PG-13 101 Minutes Director: Jonathan Liebesman Writers: Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec

CAST Megan Fox...April O'Neil Will Arnett...Vernon Fenwick William Fichtner...Eric Sacks Alan Richson...Raphael Noel Fisher...Michelangelo Jeremy Howard...Donatello Johnny Knoxville...Leonardo (voice). Tony Shalhoub...Splinter (voice) Tohoru Masamune...Shredder

HEROES IN A HALF SHELL?

I vividly remember seeing the original NINJA TURTLES. I saw the movie at an old-fashioned theater with uncomfortable, wooden seats. And I remember that my parents were too cheap to by any concessions. I loved the movie itself; it left an indelible impression on my very soul.

I've waited two years for this latest reincarnation of THE TEENAGE NINJA TURTLES. Michael Bay produced this movie, which why I had high hopes: an overgrown man-child should know how to do the Ninja Turtles right, if nothing else.

I am just going to start with my overall impression of the picture. I found it too quick, and intense. There just wasn't enough time to get emotionally attached to the characters. Sure, there were great moments. And by no means was this film awful. But I was looking for a life-changing experience, and I didn't get one.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

There is far too much Whoopi Goldberg in this movie, and by that I mean any amount. Seriously though, Whoopi appears very briefly as Miss O'Neil's boss.

Tony Shalhoub does Splinter's voice. Really? The guy from WINGS. That's not realistic, it's insulting and incredibly distracting. Because everyone knows that Splinter learned broken English from a Japanese guy. We need someone like Pat Mortia or David Carradine. Steven Seagal maybe?

'BANDANNA ON MY FACE LIKE A GANGSTER'

No complaints on the soundtrack. As far as anthropomorphic, turtle movie soundtracks go, this is the best you'll find. That 'SHELL SHOCKED' song is about as gangsta as Al Capone. All that being said, I got to doc points for the lack of Vanilla Ice...I'm sorry.

TMNT is the best Nickelodeon movie since GOOD BURGER, and yes, that does include THE WILD THORNBERRYS film. I recommend seeing this, not because it's so great, but mainly because I want more NINJA TURTLES movies to be made. They'll get it 'radical'...next time.

ALSO...

Check out the recent TURTLE POWER documentary on the history of The Ninja Turtles. The geekier you are, the more you'll enjoy it.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Sidenote: the character 'Casey Jones' was based on 'Jack Burton' from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.

Expendables 3

EXPENDABLES 3
PG-13
126 Minutes
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writers: Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt, Dave Callaham

CAST
Sylvester Stallone...Barney Ross
Jason Statham...Lee Christmas
Jet Li...Yin Yang
Antonio Banderas...Galgo
Wesley Snipes ...Doc
Dolph Lundgren...Gunner Jensen
Mel Gibson...Conrad Stonebanks
Harrison Ford...Max Drummer
Arnold Schwarzenegger...Trench

SAVED BY THE BELL: THE NEW CLASS Meets SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLLEGE YEARS

Another year, another EXPENDABLES movie.  I suppose this can't go on forever, unless you CGI everyone perfectly. Then you'll get to enjoy EXPENDABLES 50 on a holographic module from a cryogenic chamber.

During a failed mission, Terry Crews get severely injured, landing him in the hospital. Yes, it seems the crew is getting too old for this shit. So Barney Ross hires some younger folks to complete the original mission. Kind of like Justin Long in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. John McClane can't do shit without the young computer hacker leading the way.

Back From My Digression

The new class gets kidnapped and, guess what, the old fogeys have to rescue them. Oh, you thought the old guys where going to drink themselves to death. No, not yet. The original crew has a couple of additions. First, we have Wesley Snipes, his specialty is cutting people up...with blades. And Secondly, there's Harrison Ford, head of the CIA. I think Ford is in this movie only because Stallone didn't want to be the oldest guy on the set.

He's doesn't hang out for very long, but there is no reason for Kelsey Grammer to appear in any EXPENDABLES movie. Yeah, I'll give him a few points, since he was once married to a softcore porn star. But growing a five o'clock shadow, and drinking out of a flask, doesn't fool anyone...Fraiser Crane.

'Hey Barney! You should have killed me when you had the chance, if you want the kids, come get 'em!'

Mel Gibson is the perfect villain. His character is a disgruntled, Ex-Expendable. It's like SKYFALL, when the villain was a member of MI6, before going rogue. Gibson made this film the best of the franchise. All the trouble he's gotten into in recent years has worked out in his favor. He's so good at acting like a crazed psychopath, you forget he's even acting. 

EXPENDABLES 3 pushes the bounds of a PG-13 rating. There's a couple of F-Bombs, so you may want to leave the toddlers in the car, while you watch it. In conclusion, if you like seeing people die, this is the film for you.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Life Itself

LIFE ITSELF R 115 Minutes Director: Steve James

CAST Roger Ebert Gene Siskel Chaz Ebert Werner Herzog Marty Scorsese

‘I love seeing the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard’- Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS (7F12)

Just like his reviews, LIFE ITSELF documents the life of Roger Ebert. But because he was so open about his life, there isn’t much new information. Except the alcoholism in the 60s and 70s. Knowing he was drinking all the time kind of makes his Pulitzer Prize all the more impressive.

This film really put an end to the feud between Siskel and Ebert. There’s a reason we have no Gene Siskel documentaries. Because Ebert won the popularity contest.

I’m sure there’s a reason. This documentary was getting made, regardless of whether Ebert died. So I think it was Roger’s decision. It’s like if you did a documentary on the Four Tops, you wouldn’t feel the need to include the current, 23 year-old, lead vocalist.

Werner Herzog laughs and cries, well, for the first time in his entire life. That’s worth full, non-matinee ticket price, with a large popcorn, large Coke, Milk Duds, and another movie ticket, so you have a place to put all these concessions.

It feels a little meta, criticizing a critic. Full disclosure: I’d give the documentary a good review, even if it were bad. But I doubt Roger Ebert would give LIFE ITSELF four stars (maybe five or six). He might have hated the predictable ending. So I’m erring on the side of caution.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100