Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 1
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Francis Lawrence
Writer: Peter a Craig, Danny Strong, Suzanne Collins
Jennifer Lawrence, Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman

CAST
Jennifer Lawrence...Katniss Everdeen
Willow Shields...Primrose Everdeen
Josh Hutcherson...Peeta Mellark
Julianne Moore...President Alma Coin
Stanley Tucci...Caesar Flickerman
Jeffrey Wright...Beetee
Philip Seymour Hoffman...Plutarch Heavensbee
Woody Harrelson...Haymitch Abernathy

Welcome To The Machine

For John Candy it was WAGONS EAST, and for Chris Farley it was ALMOST HEROES. MOCKINGJAY (Parts 1 and 2) is Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. There's one thing I'm certain of: Hoffman wants to be remembered only for this movie, nothing else.

I like how this film didn't actually center on the Hunger Games themselves. The key players aren't kids anymore. This means less awkward, romantic scenes. Also, most of the young children have been vaporized in the bombing by the ruling government. Which is great. No, no, no...hear me out. Okay, I realize I might be stirring up controversy here, but I don't approve of bombing children. It's great because I didn't have to see kids vaporized on-screen. All the action took place off-screen.

MOCKINGJAY focuses on overthrowing the government of Panem. Now that's something I can get behind. This revolution is in the Pre-Stalin, Post- Bolshevik stage. Julianne Moore is the Lenin figure. Right here, it's tempting to give a ten page, in-depth analysis, on the Marxist overtones in THE HUNGER GAMES. But that will have to wait for another time. I don't know why I'm just noticing this now. But all the people in THE HUNGER GAMES have very made-up-sounding names. Jeffrey Wright plays one of the black characters. His name is Beetee. The funny thing is when you say that name it sounds like B-E-T. I don't know which is more racist: his name or the fact that there's only two black characters in the movie. What I liked most was how Lenny Kravitz wasn't in this film, because of his tragic death in the last HUNGER GAMES. You could hear everyone in the theater groan after the movie was finished. Don't leave us a '...to be continued' TV episode. Because this movie doesn't stand well on its own. You can make MOCKINGJAY into two parts, but give us some closure in PART 1. I know I could read the book, but that book was made for 13-year-old girls, and I'm not allowed in the Young Adult section at Barnes and Noble...anymore. Furthermore, unlike the book, A HUNGER GAMES film is a piece of art. All that being said, I was thoroughly entertained. Until the conclusi...

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Dumb and Dumber To

DUMB AND DUMBER TO
PG-13
109 Minutes
Director: Farrelly Brothers
Writers: Sean Anders, Mike Cerrone, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly, John Morris, Bennett Yellin

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CAST 
Jeff Daniels...Harry Dunne
Jim Carrey...Lloyd Christmas
Rob Riggle...Travis/Captain Lippincott
Laurie Holden...Adele

'Do you worry at all about being typecast? At all. I mean, do you worry about always being the guy in the toilet? I mean....Jeff 'Diarrhea Head' Daniels.' 
-SNL, Season 20 Episode 10 (Chris Elliot)

This reviewer is not afraid to admit he likes Jim Carrey movies. I don't care if Matthew Broderick killed the guy in Ireland, it was an accident. The original Dumb and Dumber was the funniest movie ever made. As for DUMB AND DUMBERER, the prequel...Let's pretend that was never made.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize that Jim Carey hasn't made a good movies since ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.  Yes, 'blessed are those who forget'; they don't have to remember those awful films.

DUMB AND DUMBER TO continues 20 years later. For some reason, Jim Carrey feels compelled to wear a really bad wig. Anyway, Harry and Lloyd are looking for Harry's long lost daughter.  This is where the very long and pointless journey begins. They find the daughter, and her adoptive father is wealthy. This man's attractive wife is trying to kill him, for all his money. That's it, plot-wise. You wait your whole life for this moment, when you walk into a movie theater, to see the sequel to DUMB AND DUMBER. It's all very disappointing, the entire mess of a film. An unsatisfying,  cliché-riddled sequel. 

Part of me senses Jeff Daniels didn't put enough effort into this movie. I can just see it now, Jeff is in bed, with his reading glasses on. He has two scripts on the nightstand. One is for THE NEWSROOM, and the other is for DUMB AND DUMBER TO. Is he really going to be looking over the script for this film, while huffing paint to get into character? You're dumber than Harry and Lloyd if you think so.

There were more funny gags than most films. But the jokes weren't the problem. DUMB AND DUMBER TO lacked the heart and soul of the first one, and it wasn't as funny. I guess what I'm really yearning for is a John Hughes movie experience. So this Thanksgiving I recommend watching PLANES TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES instead.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Interstellar

INTERSTELLAR
PG-13
169 Minutes
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan

CAST Ellen Burstyn...Murph (older) Matthew McConaughey...Cooper Mackenzie Foy...Murph (10 Yrs.) John Lithgow...Donald  Timothée Chalamet...Tom (15 Yrs.)

'I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.'             -ZOOLANDER (Derek Zoolander)

Well, I'm all out of Matthew McConaughey jokes, and my previous jokes don't seem relevant anymore.I don't know of any other ditzy blondes that magically transformed into talented actors. Except for maybe Zachery Ty Bryan.

INTERSTELLAR is about a guy that goes into a worm hole to save humanity. I like how the worm hole is in Saturn, that's my favorite planet, car, and gaming system. Unfortunately, this planet is not Saturn, it's not even Europa. This guy needs to find a habitable planet, or humanity is doomed. So Mr. Cooper and a hot female astronaut go at it, and they start a Mormon-sized family. Fast-forward several thousand years, and we have a planet of only beautiful people. I wish it weren't so, but I was joking about the last part, with Planet McConaughey.

This movie didn't get too technical. I'm sure there were plenty of scientific inaccuracies. Just check Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Twitter feed...no go ahead, check it, and then come back to my review...I'll wait. Rather the story is more humanistic. The closest film to this movie is CONTACT. Like CONTACT, INTERSTELLAR is fixated on the father-daughter bond. But unlike CONTACT, Matthew McConaughey plays a smart person. Like Carl Sagan smart. I know McConaughey has had a bit of a renaissance, career-wise, but does this film have to be released right after those Lincoln commercials? I need a stepping stone for suspending disbelief. This stepping stone could be a movie, where he plays a teacher, or a mattress tester. But hopping from Lincoln commercials to this INTERSTELLAR business, that is really asking too much. 

INTERSTELLAR takes place over a century. I don't understand why LCD technology hasn't changed much in those 100+ years. In a big budget film, it wouldn't take much to add holographic, CGI computer monitors. This issue isn't a big deal, but it was a little distracting. 

This film falls short of CONTACT, and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. But not by much. There's no way you're going to see a better science-fiction movie this year, or a century from now.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Up and running again

Looks like everything is running smoothly after the upgrade. Thanks for your patience.

-E Dunn

The Judge

THE JUDGE
R
141 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Nick Schenk, Bill Dubuque, David Dobkin

CAST Robert Downey Jr...Hank Palmer Robert Duvall...Joseph Palmer Vera Farmiga...Samantha Powell Billy Bob Thornton...Dwight Dickham Vincent D'Onofrio...Glen Palmer

'...judge not lest ye be judged.'
-THE BIBLE, (Somewhere In The Back)

Judge Reinhold was riding high after the SANTA CLAUSE trilogy. But his addiction to huffing all that copier toner was taking a huge toll on his health. So Tim Allen and Steve Gutenberg held an intervention. And Judge got the help he needed at Passages Malibu. But then he relapsed two years later, breaking into a Xerox plant at 2 AM, one Friday night. Authorities found him passed out on the warehouse floor, looking like an Al Jolson character. During the court proceedings, there was a lot of confusion with the real judge, and the man named Judge. Kind of like an Abbott and Costello bit.

Judges have to be judged from time-to-time. Back in March, Judge Joe Brown was held in contempt of court, and sentenced to five days in jail. What's this have to do with the movie? Nothing, I just found it funny. Pardon my digression.

The Real Movie

After the mother dies, the Palmer Family reunites at her funeral. Several, days after the funeral, Judge Palmer ran over a motorcyclist, and left him for dead, allegedly. The death of the mother and the motorcycle incident with seem unrelated, at first glance. But are they? THE JUDGE is about the trial that ensues afterward.

Joseph Palmer was a judge for 42 years. He has three sons visiting him. As for that fourth son, Robert, that remains a mystery.

It's a good thing his city-slicker attorney, son can save his father from prison...all pro bono...that's not true, more like pro bonner, the way Hank is stickin' it to pops. Seriously though, Hank charged his father, but at a discount.

You feel like you knew this Hank character already. He's Slick lawyer that would defend anyone for a paycheck. Kind of like Tony Danza in FAMILY LAW, John Larroquette from NIGHT COURT, or Jim Carey from LIAR LIAR.

There is nothing wrong with the acting. Which means the story was the problem. The screenplay could have been more compelling. There wasn't enough focus on any major subject. Everything felt so tangential. I don't know anything about the Judge's mentally challenged son. Or the daughter Hank didn't know he had.

Vincent D'Onofrio was superb. Although it didn't seem like it at first. His character was this dull, average guy. But underneath this plain exterior, Glen has a deep well of unconditional love for his deeply flawed family members. The genuine brotherly moment between Hank and Glenn transformed a film from just okay, to good. At least I think so, I’ll let you be the judge.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Necessary Roughness (Retro)

NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (1991)
PG-13
108 Minutes
Director: Stan Dragoti.
Writers: Rick Natkin, David Fuller

CAST
Scott Bakula...Paul Blake Hector Elizondo...Ed Gennero Robert Loggia...Coach Wally Rig Larry Miller...Dean Phillip Elias Sinbad...Professor Andre Krimm

MAKING THE QUANTUM LEAP

Less preposterous than MAJOR LEAGUE III: BACK TO THE MINORS, where Scott Bakula played a baseball player in his 40s; NECESSARY ROUGHNESS is about a 34-year old who gets to play a college quarterback. All because of a technicality. I think it's the same technicality that allows angels and golden retrievers to play competitive football.

Texas State University has a shortage of eligible players. So all the Armadillo players have to play offense and defense.

BACK TO SCHOOL: RODNEY DANGERFIELD STYLE

The cast of 90210 were all pretty old, but  there was only one actor in their 30s, Andrea, and she wasn't around very often either (I know, technically, she was only 29 when the show started...freshman year). But in this movie, just when you came to terms with the 34-year-old quarterback. We are asked to suspend disbelief once again.  Sinbad shows up, he's a chemistry professor, working on a PHD, yet he has enough stamina to play offensive, and defensive football.

GARBAGE PICKING FIELD GOAL KICKING PHENOMENON

Kathy Ireland is the greatest actor...ever. Yeah, she's a girl, and a field goal kicker...get used to it.

Larry Miller plays the classic college dean as only he can play. Like he did in those NUTTY PROFESSOR films. This dean is always menacingly, watching the football team. That asshole thinks academics are more important than sports. Don't worry though, he gets his. Right before the credits roll, a gun was pointed at his head (that's not a joke).

Rob Schneider made a cameo. Well, it was more like several cameos. But things are not as bad as they seem. I can deal with a pre-DEUCE BIGALOW Rob Schneider. Because he never attempts to make any jokes, from what I can tell anyway.

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

In this role, Scott Bakula looks more ridiculous than Payton Manning in a Papa John's commercial. With his jersey tucked into his jeans. Nonetheless, this movie has its moments, but not too many. I think it was because Scott Bakula starred in QUANTUM LEAP, while this film was getting made.

'DILLOS...MORE LIKE DILDOS

Football movies are either good or very bad. For every FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, or VARSITY BLUES, you have terrible counterparts. Like THE REPLACEMENTS, or WILDCATS. But NECESSARY ROUGHNESS performs a rare feat, and manages to keep things at the 50-yard line, being neither good, nor bad, nor memorable.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Left Behind

LEFT BEHIND
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Vic Armstrong
Writers: Jerry B. Jenkins, Tim LaHaye, Paul Lalonde, John Patus

CAST
Nicolas Cage...Rayford Steele
Lea Thompson...Irene Steele
Chad Michael Murray...Buck William

LEFT BEHIND is a biopic of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, before TLC, when she worked at a gentleman's club. No, I'm only joking, but my fictional movie would be better than the real LEFT BEHIND.

Walking in, I thought I'd be in an empty movie theater. Where I could just kick up my feet and live tweet through the movie. But no, the theater was filled to about 25 percent capacity. Ben Affleck's movie was sold out. So I think that may have factored into this equation

Anyone who has seen FULL HOUSE knows all the episodes end the same way. There's serious music playing, while Danny lectures Stephanie on the dangers of cigarette smoking. LEFT BEHIND felt like an extended version of a FULL HOUSE ending. Which includes one prolific, father-daughter hug session at the end. For the record, I'm not hating on FULL HOUSE, I'm just pointing out the worst part of the show. So please, no angry emails.

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

Kirk Cameron was right, the rapture has begun. Maybe I'm the cause of this, with all those impure thoughts I've had about Mrs. Butterworth.

Everyone under the age of 18 disappears spontaneously. To heaven? Perhaps, but physical bodies disappeared as well.  Souls go up to heaven, people don't. So I don't understand where the physical bodies went. It's like in ENVY (yeah, don't watch that movie). Jack Black invented Vapoorize. It made dog crap disappear into thin air. But the dog crap went somewhere? We never find out.

Some of LEFT BEHIND feel Stephen Kingish. If you pay attention closely, you'll notice hints of THE LANGOLIERS, scattered about the film. Like the part where a bunch of people spontaneously disappear on an airplane.

Part of the movie took place at the hospital where I was born, just outside Garden City, New York (not really though, this movie was filmed entirely in Louisiana). LEFT BEHIND makes Long Islanders look horrible. If children spontaneously disappeared, we wouldn't start murdering each other.We would start looting iPads, Sean John wear, and pharmaceuticals. Even the looting would only last so long. Without children people would be too depressed to do much of anything.

LEFT BEHIND is offensive to religious and non-religious people. No one should be subjected to Nick Cage's worst movie.  In the real rapture, this film would start playing in every movie theater.

Final Verdict: 2 out of 100