Taken 3

TAKEN 3
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Oliver Megaton
Writers: Lucy Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

CAST                                                   Liam Neeson...Bryan Mills Forrest Whitaker...Franck Dotzler Maggie Grace...Kim Mills Dougray Scott...Stuart St. John Dylan Bruno...Smith

The Russians Are Coming

To state the obvious cliché, good things really do come in threes. There are so many good ones, where do we start. THE GODFATHER, BACK TO THE FUTURE, and THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES come to mind. But regardless of quality, third films never do well. Probably because you can only find them at 7-11. Additionally, I think people recognize these movies for what they are: cash grabs.

TAKEN 3 is about Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who's framed for jaywalking...I mean murdering his ex-wife. I think this involves a life insurance scam by the ex-wife's new husband. Without his ex-wife's murder, I think it's safe to say Bryan would have rekindled his old marriage. Which is why this story is so tragic.

I'm surprised Liam Neeson signed on for this project. If my wife died, I wouldn't make movies that remind me of that fact...everyday, for six months. Neeson constantly makes movies to avoid his complex emotional issues. Since he probably has the last say on the final screenplay. Why the man would choose to torture himself is beyond me. Perhaps it's therapeutic in some way. Or maybe a producer is holding one of his real kids hostage, until Liam repays his gambling debts.

The daughter doesn't seem like she was kidnapped, or 'tooken', for very long. Also, toward the end of the film, a gun is held to her head, but that's it. She's pregnant, so I suppose the daughter is kidnapping her own child. Or maybe the wife got,kidnapped, before getting killed, but that's just wild speculation I don't know that it actually happened. We shouldn't have to get bogged down in semantics to understand a film.

Liam Neeson is a white, modern-day, Denzel Washington. Like EQUALIZER-BOOK OF ELI Denzel. He's capable of assassinating world leaders and/or foiling terrorist plots. But not without a Life Alert necklace. Because now he's an older, reluctant, all-around-badass. An action packed day, full of ass-kicking, now requires about a month of rest on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

If you haven't seen the first or second TAKEN installments, I recommend seeing TAKEN 3. If they are all the same movie anyway. I guess it doesn't matter which one you see. All of them are equally predictable and bland. I'm saying don't watch this movie, unless a loved one is kidnapped by Russian gangsters, and you lack the CIA know-how to get her back. But even then, TAKEN 3 is going to be the most strenuous homework assignment you're ever going to do.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Interview

THE INTERVIEW
R
112 Minutes
Director: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Dan Sterling, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

CAST James Franco...James Skylark Seth Rogen...Aaron Rapaport Lizzy Caplan...Agent Lacey Randall Park...President Kim

Blowing The Mind Of Kim Jung-un...Without A Chronic Sack

THE INTERVIEW has a simple plot. A tabloid journalist (Franco) scores an interview with Kim Jung-un, and he works with the CIA to kill this leader of North Korea. 

I don't know if James Franco plays a convincing Mario Lopez. Because we know he's a college professor in real life. And the  professor thing is just a side gig. It's like Louie Anderson playing Tracey Gold in FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

Seth Rogen is the producer of the tabloid show. He's the voice of reason in a clusterfuck of craziness. That is until he tried to put the moves on the hot chief of propaganda. That part is more boring than you think.

I don't want to look like a raving, fanatical  bureaucrat, but last time I checked, assassinating world leaders is illegal. And I have a hard time believing that the CIA would break international law, to stop a benevolent dictator from oppressing the people of North Korea. I'm docking points, because this assassination plot should be discussed with other members of the UN, before it gets bottled up in committee by a Russian delegate. 

If you haven't seen THE INTERVIEW yet,  shame on you. It's your patriotic duty to see this deeply flawed comedy. Best case scenario: after a bloody, HUNGER GAMES-style revolution, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes a beacon of democracy, and prosperity. Worst case scenario: thermonuclear war, leaving only teenage mutant ninja cockroaches to repopulate our planet. All because of an otherwise forgetful stoner comedy. THE INTERVIEW may not be a great film, but it's definitely an important one.  Fifty years from now, Seth Rogen's picture will be in kids history books, nay, history holographic readers, with scratch-and-sniff technology so powerful, your grandchildren will suffer irreversible brain damage from the contact high.

This movie suffers because the main character isn't very likable. I can't relate to third-world dictator. Kim Jung-un is a total buzzkill. But at least he speaks perfect English. It'd be a shame if I had to read subtitles, while I'm completely baked.

You should see THE INTERVIEW. Not now, of course. Wait for it on basic cable. Flip it on during the commercials, when your watching ROAD HOUSE on CMT for the twelfth time...this month. 

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 1
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Francis Lawrence
Writer: Peter a Craig, Danny Strong, Suzanne Collins
Jennifer Lawrence, Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman

CAST
Jennifer Lawrence...Katniss Everdeen
Willow Shields...Primrose Everdeen
Josh Hutcherson...Peeta Mellark
Julianne Moore...President Alma Coin
Stanley Tucci...Caesar Flickerman
Jeffrey Wright...Beetee
Philip Seymour Hoffman...Plutarch Heavensbee
Woody Harrelson...Haymitch Abernathy

Welcome To The Machine

For John Candy it was WAGONS EAST, and for Chris Farley it was ALMOST HEROES. MOCKINGJAY (Parts 1 and 2) is Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. There's one thing I'm certain of: Hoffman wants to be remembered only for this movie, nothing else.

I like how this film didn't actually center on the Hunger Games themselves. The key players aren't kids anymore. This means less awkward, romantic scenes. Also, most of the young children have been vaporized in the bombing by the ruling government. Which is great. No, no, no...hear me out. Okay, I realize I might be stirring up controversy here, but I don't approve of bombing children. It's great because I didn't have to see kids vaporized on-screen. All the action took place off-screen.

MOCKINGJAY focuses on overthrowing the government of Panem. Now that's something I can get behind. This revolution is in the Pre-Stalin, Post- Bolshevik stage. Julianne Moore is the Lenin figure. Right here, it's tempting to give a ten page, in-depth analysis, on the Marxist overtones in THE HUNGER GAMES. But that will have to wait for another time. I don't know why I'm just noticing this now. But all the people in THE HUNGER GAMES have very made-up-sounding names. Jeffrey Wright plays one of the black characters. His name is Beetee. The funny thing is when you say that name it sounds like B-E-T. I don't know which is more racist: his name or the fact that there's only two black characters in the movie. What I liked most was how Lenny Kravitz wasn't in this film, because of his tragic death in the last HUNGER GAMES. You could hear everyone in the theater groan after the movie was finished. Don't leave us a '...to be continued' TV episode. Because this movie doesn't stand well on its own. You can make MOCKINGJAY into two parts, but give us some closure in PART 1. I know I could read the book, but that book was made for 13-year-old girls, and I'm not allowed in the Young Adult section at Barnes and Noble...anymore. Furthermore, unlike the book, A HUNGER GAMES film is a piece of art. All that being said, I was thoroughly entertained. Until the conclusi...

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Dumb and Dumber To

DUMB AND DUMBER TO
PG-13
109 Minutes
Director: Farrelly Brothers
Writers: Sean Anders, Mike Cerrone, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly, John Morris, Bennett Yellin

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CAST 
Jeff Daniels...Harry Dunne
Jim Carrey...Lloyd Christmas
Rob Riggle...Travis/Captain Lippincott
Laurie Holden...Adele

'Do you worry at all about being typecast? At all. I mean, do you worry about always being the guy in the toilet? I mean....Jeff 'Diarrhea Head' Daniels.' 
-SNL, Season 20 Episode 10 (Chris Elliot)

This reviewer is not afraid to admit he likes Jim Carrey movies. I don't care if Matthew Broderick killed the guy in Ireland, it was an accident. The original Dumb and Dumber was the funniest movie ever made. As for DUMB AND DUMBERER, the prequel...Let's pretend that was never made.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize that Jim Carey hasn't made a good movies since ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.  Yes, 'blessed are those who forget'; they don't have to remember those awful films.

DUMB AND DUMBER TO continues 20 years later. For some reason, Jim Carrey feels compelled to wear a really bad wig. Anyway, Harry and Lloyd are looking for Harry's long lost daughter.  This is where the very long and pointless journey begins. They find the daughter, and her adoptive father is wealthy. This man's attractive wife is trying to kill him, for all his money. That's it, plot-wise. You wait your whole life for this moment, when you walk into a movie theater, to see the sequel to DUMB AND DUMBER. It's all very disappointing, the entire mess of a film. An unsatisfying,  cliché-riddled sequel. 

Part of me senses Jeff Daniels didn't put enough effort into this movie. I can just see it now, Jeff is in bed, with his reading glasses on. He has two scripts on the nightstand. One is for THE NEWSROOM, and the other is for DUMB AND DUMBER TO. Is he really going to be looking over the script for this film, while huffing paint to get into character? You're dumber than Harry and Lloyd if you think so.

There were more funny gags than most films. But the jokes weren't the problem. DUMB AND DUMBER TO lacked the heart and soul of the first one, and it wasn't as funny. I guess what I'm really yearning for is a John Hughes movie experience. So this Thanksgiving I recommend watching PLANES TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES instead.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Interstellar

INTERSTELLAR
PG-13
169 Minutes
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan

CAST Ellen Burstyn...Murph (older) Matthew McConaughey...Cooper Mackenzie Foy...Murph (10 Yrs.) John Lithgow...Donald  Timothée Chalamet...Tom (15 Yrs.)

'I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.'             -ZOOLANDER (Derek Zoolander)

Well, I'm all out of Matthew McConaughey jokes, and my previous jokes don't seem relevant anymore.I don't know of any other ditzy blondes that magically transformed into talented actors. Except for maybe Zachery Ty Bryan.

INTERSTELLAR is about a guy that goes into a worm hole to save humanity. I like how the worm hole is in Saturn, that's my favorite planet, car, and gaming system. Unfortunately, this planet is not Saturn, it's not even Europa. This guy needs to find a habitable planet, or humanity is doomed. So Mr. Cooper and a hot female astronaut go at it, and they start a Mormon-sized family. Fast-forward several thousand years, and we have a planet of only beautiful people. I wish it weren't so, but I was joking about the last part, with Planet McConaughey.

This movie didn't get too technical. I'm sure there were plenty of scientific inaccuracies. Just check Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Twitter feed...no go ahead, check it, and then come back to my review...I'll wait. Rather the story is more humanistic. The closest film to this movie is CONTACT. Like CONTACT, INTERSTELLAR is fixated on the father-daughter bond. But unlike CONTACT, Matthew McConaughey plays a smart person. Like Carl Sagan smart. I know McConaughey has had a bit of a renaissance, career-wise, but does this film have to be released right after those Lincoln commercials? I need a stepping stone for suspending disbelief. This stepping stone could be a movie, where he plays a teacher, or a mattress tester. But hopping from Lincoln commercials to this INTERSTELLAR business, that is really asking too much. 

INTERSTELLAR takes place over a century. I don't understand why LCD technology hasn't changed much in those 100+ years. In a big budget film, it wouldn't take much to add holographic, CGI computer monitors. This issue isn't a big deal, but it was a little distracting. 

This film falls short of CONTACT, and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. But not by much. There's no way you're going to see a better science-fiction movie this year, or a century from now.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Up and running again

Looks like everything is running smoothly after the upgrade. Thanks for your patience.

-E Dunn

The Judge

THE JUDGE
R
141 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Nick Schenk, Bill Dubuque, David Dobkin

CAST Robert Downey Jr...Hank Palmer Robert Duvall...Joseph Palmer Vera Farmiga...Samantha Powell Billy Bob Thornton...Dwight Dickham Vincent D'Onofrio...Glen Palmer

'...judge not lest ye be judged.'
-THE BIBLE, (Somewhere In The Back)

Judge Reinhold was riding high after the SANTA CLAUSE trilogy. But his addiction to huffing all that copier toner was taking a huge toll on his health. So Tim Allen and Steve Gutenberg held an intervention. And Judge got the help he needed at Passages Malibu. But then he relapsed two years later, breaking into a Xerox plant at 2 AM, one Friday night. Authorities found him passed out on the warehouse floor, looking like an Al Jolson character. During the court proceedings, there was a lot of confusion with the real judge, and the man named Judge. Kind of like an Abbott and Costello bit.

Judges have to be judged from time-to-time. Back in March, Judge Joe Brown was held in contempt of court, and sentenced to five days in jail. What's this have to do with the movie? Nothing, I just found it funny. Pardon my digression.

The Real Movie

After the mother dies, the Palmer Family reunites at her funeral. Several, days after the funeral, Judge Palmer ran over a motorcyclist, and left him for dead, allegedly. The death of the mother and the motorcycle incident with seem unrelated, at first glance. But are they? THE JUDGE is about the trial that ensues afterward.

Joseph Palmer was a judge for 42 years. He has three sons visiting him. As for that fourth son, Robert, that remains a mystery.

It's a good thing his city-slicker attorney, son can save his father from prison...all pro bono...that's not true, more like pro bonner, the way Hank is stickin' it to pops. Seriously though, Hank charged his father, but at a discount.

You feel like you knew this Hank character already. He's Slick lawyer that would defend anyone for a paycheck. Kind of like Tony Danza in FAMILY LAW, John Larroquette from NIGHT COURT, or Jim Carey from LIAR LIAR.

There is nothing wrong with the acting. Which means the story was the problem. The screenplay could have been more compelling. There wasn't enough focus on any major subject. Everything felt so tangential. I don't know anything about the Judge's mentally challenged son. Or the daughter Hank didn't know he had.

Vincent D'Onofrio was superb. Although it didn't seem like it at first. His character was this dull, average guy. But underneath this plain exterior, Glen has a deep well of unconditional love for his deeply flawed family members. The genuine brotherly moment between Hank and Glenn transformed a film from just okay, to good. At least I think so, I’ll let you be the judge.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100