I Am Chris Farley

I AM CHRIS FARLEY
PG-13
96 Minutes
Writer: Steve Burgess
Director: Brent Hodge, Derik Murray
Adam Sandler, Bo Derek, Chris Farley, Christina Applegate, David Spade Mike Myers, Kevin Farley

'I want to live fast and die young.'
-Chris Farley

I know, I know, I must be a masochist. First, I saw INSIDE OUT, and now,  I AM CHRIS FARLEY. Somebody call Jermaine Dupri because I am ballin' out of control with these sad movies.  I've seen that E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD on Chris Farley...33 times, and every time I watch it, I think, 'maybe this show will end differently...this time around. Deep down, maybe I believe he's playing an Andy Kauffman-esque  joke, and Chris will ring my doorbell, and explain this elaborate ruse. Then I'm disappointed, and watch the E! Phil Hartman special, because that's all the E! network used to play: stories about celebrities who've died tragically. 

Chris Farley was a lot like John Candy, and I'm not just talking about in the obvious way. John and Chris weren't always funny, but they could always put a smile on your face. On a related note, without drug problems, Chris still would have died before the age of 50. Which was last year. I don't know for sure, but maybe it's better that Chris wasn't around to turn into a regular on Adam Sandler movies. But that would also mean Kevin James wouldn't have a career. 

Have you ever noticed that SHREK looks nothing like Michael Myers? Well, Mike Myers did. One thing that wasn't included what's the fact that Chris Farley recorded 'niner'-five percent of the voiceover work for Shrek before he died. I don't know why someone couldn't have given the movie the ol' Paul Walker treatment. Just tweak a couple things, that's it. Oh wait, I know why: you can't make eight sequels with a dead guy, not yet anyway.

Everyone needs to purchase this movie. Partially, because I would like to see a documentary made on Phil Hartman. But mostly because Chris Farley was a beautiful human being. It 's really a shame this film never got a wide release.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100

Ant-Man

ANT-MAN
PG-13
117 Minutes 
Director: Payton Reed
Writers: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish, Paul Rudd, Adam McKay, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby
Paul Rudd, TI, Michael Douglas

CAST
Paul Rudd...Ant-Man
Michael Douglas...Dr. Hank Pym
Evangeline Lilly...Hope van Dyne
Corey Stoll...Yellowjacket
Michael Peña...Luis
TI...Dave

I saw this without really knowing what it was about. I saw ANT-MAN because I had to. There was only one movie playing in the two-hour window when my cell phone was getting repaired. What else was I going to? Watch a movie on my phone? Can't. How about reading a book? A little hard to do, without the kindle app on my phone. Even if I remembered to bring my tablet, the WIFI at the Barnes And Noble across the street isn't strong enough to reach the repair shop.

The Ant is a creepy insect, and I'm not just referring to Woody Allen's character in ANTZ. They aren't as creepy as cockroaches, water bugs, or praying mantises. Most ants are fairly benign, they just crawl around, and scavenge food for winter. Usually, you won't encounter large ant colonies, unless leave an open, 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in the attic. But how does all this information relate to the movie? It doesn't, ANT-MAN is a misnomer. Paul Rudd doesn't turn into ant, the way Bart Simpson turned into a human-fly hybrid, in that Halloween episode. No, Ant-Man can shrink to the size of ant,...oh, and he can control hundreds of ants with his mind, but that's it.

Could you imagine if Spiderman shrunk to the size of a spider, and mentally controlled large clusters of brown recluses? I know, it would be freaking awesome...yet terrifying. Although, that kind of power is rarely used. ANT-MAN is great, albeit, light entertainment, so the dark side of shrinking is never explored. But maybe it's completely unnecessary. Look at HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS, or HOLLOW MAN (I know shrinking and disappearing aren't quite the same thing, but c'mon). These two films aren't exactly the pinnacle of cinematic excellence, so don't fret, ANT-MAN is best movie that could have been made with the source material. The jokes were actually funny, and I was never confused; that is something very rare in a comic book movie.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Inside Out

INSIDE OUT (With Spoilers)
PG
94 Minutes
Directors: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen
Writers: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader
Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Richard Kind, Bill Hader

CAST
Kaitlyn Dias...Riley Andersen
Amy Poehler...Joy
Phyllis Smith...Sadness
Richard Kind...Bing Bong
Bill Hader...Fear
Lewis Black...Anger

SPOILERS BELOW!

Read at your own risk, and please kindly refrain from sending any hate mail...directed at me. Although you should probably refrain from sending hate mail altogether.  So just pause a moment, and reflect on whether composing electronic vitriol is the most constructive use of your time. What are you really getting out of it?  More importantly, what are others getting out of it? This is why you have no friends. Dats da end, back to the review.

There's Someone In My Head But It's Not Me

INSIDE OUT is a Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a 12-year-old girl, who moves from Louieanderton, Minnesota to San Francisco. Which can take a toll one's mental health.  Upon arrival, little Riley developed paranoid schizophrenia. This girl goes from normal to Syd Barrett, practically overnight.  She hears all these voices: Joy, Sadness, Fear, and Anger.  And Riley plays with someone who doesn't actually exist, Bing Bong (more on Bing bong later).

There are one lie in the preceding paragraph.  I'll let you figure which one out on your own.

The Bing Bong Section

Saying, 'I can't believe that made that guy die', shouldn't count as a spoiler. There are 33 characters in this movie. That shouldn't narrow things down enough to justify a spoiler warning, but my coworkers disagree. Because once you start watching INSIDE OUT, and you know a character is going to die. It becomes painfully obvious which one gets it. Just like MARLEY AND ME, the most adorable character dies...Owen Wilson...I mean Marley (don't get mad, I already warned you about  spoilers). In this movie, you get so attached to this Bing Bong character. You like him the same way you like Buddy from ELF. Buddy was just pure goodness personified. So imagine if Buddy the Elf died, tragically, falling off Santa's sleigh or something (diabetes?). You'd cry yourself to sleep, and life would become a permanent state of misery. That's what Bing Bong's death did to me, it felt like part of me died as well. Yeah, that's right, this film is TURNER AND HOOCH-Level sad. Life would be so much easier if only human characters died in movies, but that life would be much less meaningful.

Final Verdict: 98.6 out of 100

Jurassic World

JURASSIC WORLD
PG-13
124 minutes
Director: Colin Trevorrow
Writers: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly, Michael Crichton
Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D’Onofrio, BD Wong, Judy Greer

CAST
Chris Pratt...Owen
Bryce Dallas Howard...Claire
Ty Simpkins...Gray
Judy Greer...Karen
Irrfan Khan...Simon Masrani
Vincent D'Onofrio...Hoskins

'DINO-MITE!'- JJ WALKER

Every young boy goes through a dinosaur phase. They'll devour anything with dinosaurs, and this includes that Whoopi Goldberg movie, with the crime solving T-Rex. But for some of us, that dinosaur phase never ends. As we grow up, we gradually learn when it is socially acceptable to talk about dinosaurs in adult conversation...which is never, unless you become a paleontologist, or a Jeff Goldblum impersonator. Both of which exclude people who aren't geniuses.

JURASSIC PARK set the standard for dinosaur movies. Which is both good and bad. The sequels were okay, but only for hardcore JP fanboys. Other dinosaur movies were mostly disappointing, with the exception of VIVA ROCK VEGAS. Luckily, basic cable has helped me get my fix. With programs like, WALKING WITH DINOSAURS, and DINOSAUR PLANET. Still, I was getting a little antsy, over the past few years it's felt like dinosaur programming has gone extinct. Luckily, JURASSIC WORLD came around to fill the Argentinosaurus-sized hole in my heart.

'YOU JUST WENT AND MADE A NEW DINOSAUR?'

I like the fact that there's a reasonable explanation for all the scientific inaccuracies. Like the lack of feathered creatures. Lab created, dinosaurs were not made from complete dinosaur genomes. So scientists had to insert missing pieces of Dino-DNA from modern animals, none of which were birds. Additionally, you may have noticed most of the dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous period, not the Jurassic. Realistically, the older, less evolved species couldn't peacefully, coexist with the Jurassic bad boys. But I'm cool with the deliberate, poetic license. Would you really want to watch a film called 'CRETACEOUS WORLD'?

JURASSIC WORLD does something completely different: create a completely new dinosaur. Dealing with a crazy Franken-Saurus is what this movie is all about. I guess GMOs really are bad for your health...does anyone else hear crickets chirping?

Vincent D’Onofrio is a tad one-dimensional in this film, but great nonetheless. He's the Wayne Knight of this JURASSIC WORLD. This corporate monster wants raptors to fight America's wars overseas; ironically, for 'fossil fuels'. I think any forthcoming sequel will involve dinosaurs fighting human wars...before turning on us. Altering dinosaur DNA to make them bulletproof? Absolutely nothing could go wrong.

GET READY FOR SOME T-REX KICKASSERY

First off, watch this movie...several times at an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses. Secondly, buy JURASSIC WORLD (Director's Cut) on Blu-ray. And lastly, replace your puny, 1080p flat screen, and upgrade to a 4K, 80-inch TV set. When you watch it, share the love. Pull the blinds up, and let young, impressionable children walking by see the magic of dinosaurs. Who knows, maybe one of those kids will become the next Steven Jay Gould.

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100

Love and Mercy

LOVE AND MERCY
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Bill Pohland
Writer: Oren Moverman

CAST                                                                John Cusack...Brain Wilson
Paul Dano...Brian Wilson
Elizabeth Banks...Melinda Ledbetter
Paul Giamatti...Dr. Eugene Landy

BRIAN WILSON: WEIRDO OR LUNATIC, A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS

When I think of the Beach Boys, I think of them doing that song for the PROBLEM CHILD soundtrack. You know, the one where John 'DUI' Stamos plays drums. But the Beach Boys cameo appearance on FULL HOUSE also comes to mind...no, wait...they where on there twice...no, thrice. First, as themselves, in BEACH BOY BINGO. Secondly, when Uncle Jesse got married. And lastly, as backup vocalists; when Jesse did a cover of the Beach Boys song, FOREVER (yes, that is a cover song... no, I don't know why Stamos can't write his own songs).

CHARACTERS AND ACTORS

Paul Giamatti really knows how to play a little shit...perfectly. Kind of like Jeremy Piven, except one of these guys is a legitimate actor, who didn't need bad hair plugs.

John Cusack played the older Brian Wilson, and Paul Dano played the younger version. This may not be much of a shocker, but the Paul Dano parts were better than the Cusack parts. But surprisingly, John Cusack was still tolerable. Because none of his films of the last 12 years haven't come close to the vicinity of tolerable.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED

I had many questions about the Beach Boys, before I saw the film. And some of those questions had answers, such as:

Did Mike Love always wear a hat?

Yes, but he didn't always wear a hat embroidered with 'The Beach Boys' on it.

Are the Beach Boys a good band?

From a technical standpoint, it's hard to argue the Beach Boys made bad songs. That said, for the most part, their music isn't for me. I do like a few of their songs. And for those of you that hate the Beach Boys, don't worry (baby), the soundtrack consists of more than Beach Boys songs.

Do I understand PET SOUNDS now?

No, I still don't understand PET SOUNDS. And now, I have even more questions about the album.

So John Cusack is appearing in movies with theatrical releases now?

Yes, and no. Yes, LOVE AND MERCY is ONE movie with a wide release. Movies, in the plural sense, means more than one. And I don't think we should be getting ahead of ourselves.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2
PG
94 Minutes
Director: Andy Fickman
Writers: Kevin James, Nick Bakay

CAST
Kevin James...Paul
Raini Rodriguez...Maya
Eduardo Verástegui...Eduardo Furtillo
Daniella Alonso...Divina
Neal McDonough...Vincent

'Take the money and run.'
-Steve Miller

Kevin James is at it again. No, they didn't reboot the ZOOKEEPER. This time, we get a sequel to the mall cop movie... no, the one without Seth Rogen (Seth's character is in jail for a very long time). I didn't really have a problem with the first PAUL BLART. Sure, it was dumb, but it had heart. It was a family film, but for what it was, it was fine. Now, this whole franchise feels like an adult version of HOME ALONE. One person, foiling the plans of incompetent criminals. And like HOME ALONE, we got a sequel that no one asked for.

This movie doesn't take place in a suburban, New Jersey mall. Now this time were in for a real treat. There's a security guard convention in Las Vegas. Doug...I mean Paul Blart has to prevent an evil crime lord (the villain from WALKING TALL) from stealing all the artwork at a hotel.

I always feel uncomfortable sitting in the movie theater, full of other people laughing...at things that aren't very funny. Is there any hope for humanity, if I to share the planet with these people. Forget I said that, I'm just being elitist.

Kevin James is not a completely inept comedian, or a comic actor. I kind of like his standup specials. And if I don't feel like thinking, I might turn on an episode of KING OF QUEENS. But this film is completely unacceptable. Yes, there were a few laughs and PAUL BLART 2, and I mean that literally, three laughs. I'd share them, but I don't want to spoil the movie for you.

Paul's mother gets hit by a milk truck, at the beginning. And this fact kind of gets glossed over, and made light of. I'm no prude, but getting killed by a milk truck isn't very funny. She should have gotten hit by an Oscar Myer Wiener Mobile...right in the keister. Now that's funny.

After the first movie, Kevin James lost a bit of weight. He hired a personal chef, and regularly drank kale smoothies for breakfast. So it looks like James had to gain about 50 pounds to play the role (rolls) again. Because a physically fit security guard is absolutely ludicrous. Risking your personal health for a mall cop movie is an interesting move. One day, Mr. James will find himself in a hospital bed after a heart attack, and he'll be glad he made PAUL BLART 2.

This film isn't completely irredeemable. There is a time and place to watch it. And that place is in prison, at Guantanamo Bay.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 10

Sidenote: Those dolphins on poster never actually appear in the movie

Get Hard

GET HARD (Mini-Review)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Etan Cohen
Writers: Ian Roberts, Jay Martel, Adam McKay

CAST
Will Ferrell...James King
Kevin Hart...Darnell
Tip 'T.I.' Harris...Russell
Alison Brie...Alissa
Craig T. Nelson...Martin

You Had Me At Craig T. Nelson

At first blush, get hard looks crass, sophomoric, and shamelessly offensive. And from the previews, and many reviews that's what I was expecting; something about as funny as BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE … PART THREE. Instead I found myself laughing at this multiple times. Kind of a similar phenomenon too that's my boy. Except the humor here is intelligent, and insightful. People don't understand the nuanced humor, and the social satire. This movie pokes fun and criticizes the American justice system. And it's done in a way that isn't too preachy.

Yes, there were bad innuendos, rape jokes, racial jokes, and walking jokes, such as Craig T Nelson . But even with all these handicaps, get hard gave me a raging…side ache, from all the laughing I was doing. I've never enjoyed a movie more that got an unjust (ironically) 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Final Verdict: 84 out of 100

Sidenote: No, the director's name is not a typo. The spelling of Etan Cohen's name is suspiciously close to another famous director. Essentially, I was fooled into seeing this movie. It all worked out though.

Do You Believe?

DO YOU BELIEVE
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Jon Gunn
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Ted McGinley, Mira Sorvino, Sean Astin, Alexa PenaVega

CAST

Mira Sorvino...Samantha
Sean Astin...Dr. Farell
Alexa PenaVega...Lacey
Delroy Lindo ...Malachi
Ted McGinley...Matthew
Andrea Logan White...Andrea

CHRISTMAS WITH A CAPITAL C

I had to see it for myself. Ted McGinley, starring in his own movie. Usually, he's the guy that shows up, right before a sitcom goes into the woods to die. Ted hasn't done his own movie since REVENGE OF THE NERDS. But was DO YOU BELIEVE better than REVENGE OF THE NERDS. No, but what movie is? Ted played the best, dooshy frat guy...ever, and I'm including Ryan Reynolds. Because this frat guy is really a self-hating nerd in denial; as we find out in the made-for-TV movie, REVENGE OF THE NERDS IV.

I could write a whole article on Ted McGinley. What can I say, he's a fascinating character. Ted did an adequate job on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, and that one episode of PERFECT STRANGERS (Larry's brother). But when you show up on HAPPY DAYS, after Ron Howard leaves, people aren't going to be too fond of you. Scott Baio likes him though; the day Ted showed up to the set, miraculously, people stopped picking on him.

And Another Thing

Why couldn't they get that dad from 7TH HEAVEN to play the pastor...what's that...pedophiles can't play pastors. Well I beg to differ.

Cut Them, Mash Them, Put Them In A Stew

Sean Astin has really fallen on hard times. In this movie, he plays a doctor who hates religious types (mostly Buddhists). That's his entire character. 'Doctoring' and killing the hopes of the faithful among us. Oh, and his attorney wife, she only cares about money. Well money, and the separation of church and state. That bitch!

Wasn't I Reviewing A Movie?

Not that long ago, one religious film was released a year...max. Before this film, there were six trailers for religious movies. DJ Tanner (from FULL HOUSE, not the disc jockey) is in one of these movies. Just look at the demon children Kirk Cameron has spawned. There is no stopping him. SAVING CHRISTMAS was the least successful, and the worst movie of 2014. Yet the American public is inundated with countless bad religious movies. Men who inspire this type of madness should be banished to the Island of Misfit Mascots.

Judgement Day

I was expecting to see something unapologetically bad. But aside from the Jesus stuff, most of the content was merely bland. Surprisingly, DO YOU BELIEVE is not the worst religious movie you're going to see. Sure it was preachy, but not too preachy. And there were interesting characters and situations, but there really wasn't enough suspense. While most of the characters lives were in serious peril throughout the picture. But you knew that most of the good ones would be okay. Only two of the twelve main characters died. A thug and an unwed teenage mother. I could've told you that without actually seeing the movie. Because after all, God created a just world.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100