Creed

Creed
PG-13
133 Minutes
Director: Ryan Coogler
Writers: Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Michael B Jordan, Tessa Thompson

CAST
Michael B. Jordan...Adonis Johnson
Sylvester Stallone..Rocky Balboa
Tessa Thompson...Bianca
Phylicia Rashad...Mary Anne Creed
Andre Ward...Danny 'Stuntman' Wheeler
Tony Bellew...'Pretty' Ricky Conlan

'This movie has a lot of boxing. One time I punched a guy from 311, but I never actually boxed.' -Scott Stapp (Interview)

Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is not about Scott Stapp, or his band, Creed. Because there's so many questions. Like what really happened on that tour bus with Kid Rock, and all those groupies. Additionally, how did Scott uncover all those government conspiracies...while strung out on drugs. Not that the two are necessarily related. All kidding aside, Scott Stapp really does have a problem with CREED (the film). At least I thought so, it's difficult to detect sarcasm from a printed article. But after I watched the FUNNY OR DIE clip, I couldn't help but feel let down. His newly found sobriety has made him far too self aware to be funny.

I don't consider myself much of an expert on Sylvester Stallone movies, because I'm really more of a savant. Do you know anyone else who has seen all of Stallone's movies... multiple times...voluntarily? And for the record, I'm not including THE ITALIAN STALLION (1970), a softcore adult film. His character's name was 'Stud'...enough said. But I am including those horrific films he made in the nineties. However, things did slowly improve, moving forward into the 21st century. In what I like to call his 'post-GET CARTER' years. Purely by accident, Stallone has started making movies that people actually want to see. That's not to say he's above taking a big paycheck for a bad project. CREED exists only to make up for GRUDGE MATCH, a film that will forever haunt my dreams. But in all fairness, GRUDGE MATCH is mostly De Niro's fault.

Hmmm, I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about the plot. From the title alone, I think you get the gist. Apollo Creed's son has something to prove, so he trains Rocky for one last fight against George Forman. Need I say more?

In a world that seems so chaotic, people crave something familiar: the warm embrace of a Sylvester Stallone movie. And just like your dog leaving presents under the Christmas tree, it's something you can count on. Creed isn't coming out on DVD for a while, so this holiday season, put a card saying 'I-O-U one CREED DVD' in your mom's Christmas stocking.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Fateful Findings

FATEFUL FINDINGS 
100 Minutes 
R 
Writer: Neil Breen 
Director: Neil Breen 
Danielle Andrade, Jennifer Autry, Brianna Borden 

CAST 
Danielle Andrade...Ally 
Jennifer Autry...Leah 
Neil Breen...Dylan 
Klara Landrat...Emily 
David Silva...Jim

Stop whatever your doing, and watch FATEFUL FINDINGS. It makes THE ROOM look like CITIZEN KANE. And like THE ROOM, this filmmaker, Neil Breen, is pretending that FATEFUL FINDINGS was made bad...on purpose. But this claim is a rather dubious one at that. First, no one with a .biz website should ever be trusted (fatefulfindings.biz). I've heard some accounts of people not getting DVDs they've purchased through the site. And second, if campy were a race, FATEFUL FINDINGS goes on a warp speed detour into the Andromeda Galaxy, before arriving at the finish line.

What's This Thing All About? 

Officially, FATEFUL FINDINGS is about a computer hacker who uncovers government and corporate secrets. It's the only vaguely true plot point I'm able to decipher. Everything else unfolds in a truly random fashion. The same way you might recall a dream...nay, nightmare.

Dylan drops his vintage cellphone, while crossing the street. He tried to retrieve it, but gets hit by a Rolls Royce. In the next scene, Dylan is in a hospital bed, covered in bandages. After getting imbued with magic powers, he walks out of the hospital, and heads home. Once he's home, we're treated to an awkward love making session in the shower. Where Dylan has yet to take off all the bandages, and gauze from his face. And now, the protagonist's metamorphosis from man, to magic man, is complete.

Jim: We haven't had sex in a while, do you realize that?
... 
Jim's Wife: I'm very busy, my back is killing me. My office at the bank is having major problems.

Jim is Dylan's friend, although you would never think so, based on their lack of social interaction. Jim is an alcoholic. He's always knocking things down, and acting surly towards his wife. Don't worry, things get better for this couple. One day, when he's polishing his Lamborghini in the garage, his wife attempts to destroy the car...with bullets. One of those bullets hits her husband, and she immediately tries to cover up the accidental homicide, by making it look like a suicide. If I were in her place, I think I would at least attempt to wipe the finger prints off the gun. But who am I to judge, I don't know what it's like to kill a spouse.

Speaking Of Killing A Spouse

With all the computer hacking, Dylan forgets to pay attention to his wife, and she starts abusing alcohol and pain meds. Things end poorly for her, alone in her bed, she overdoses. It's okay though, he still has his childhood girlfriend, who has aged very well. It's almost as if she turned 30 and stopped aging entirely. Smash cut: the girlfriend and Dylan are making love in the woods. I know this guy sounds awful. Sleeping with another woman, right after his wife dies. But the grieving process is different for everyone. Just ask John Edwards.

Worse Than Corky Romano?

Movies this bad are a once in a lifetime experience. It's like a Mexican soap opera, without the production values, or storyline. Savor each morsel, like you would a discontinued candy bar, because nothing that sweet is ever coming back again.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Straight Outta Compton

STRIAGHT OUTTA COMPTON
R
147 Minutes
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writers: Jonathan Herman, S. Leigh Savidge, Alan Wenkus, and Andrea Berloff
Corey Hawkins, Jason Mitchell, Paul Giamatti

CAST
O'Shea Jackson Junior...Ice Cube
Corey Hawkins...Dr. Dre
Jason Mitchell...Eazy-E
Neil Brown Junior...Dj Yella
Aldis Hodge...MC Ren
Marlon Yates Junior...The D.O.C
Paul Giamatti...Jerry Heller
R. Marcos Taylor...Suge Knight

REAL MUTHAPHUCKKIN G'S

As a kid, I ate fruit loops every morning, with my YO! MTV RAPS. And I'd go to the public library just to read all of those SOURCE magazines. I'm like that Micheal Bolton character from OFFICE SPACE, nay, that Micheal Bolton character is totally based on me. I've been stoked for months for STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON to come out. And I was not disappointed. It's like this movie was made, specifically for me

My nickname was Eazy-E for my unofficial, intramural, soccer team (in my early twenties). I probably took the persona too far, with the Jerry curl wig, and the White Sox hat. At the time, I didn't care for the nickname, because I thought Eazy-E was a bit of a poser. On account of Eric not writing his own songs, and pretending to be a teenager. But dat shit don't even phaze me more...(clears throat) excuse me...no mo. Eaz quit school in the tenth grade to sell drugs, fund Ruthless Records, and discover BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY. If datz not gangsta, den 'you straight trippin boo', to quote Steve Martin...in BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.

If there's one thing that transformed a good movie into a great one, it's the believable 2Pac. Someone found the right-looking guy, and they dubbed in someone's real voice, who sounded just like Pac. In related news, another picture is in pre-production that focuses on 2pac, and Snoop. But that situation isn't going to work for a full-length movie. Perhaps the real 2Pac is going to have to come out of hiding for this one. Daz Dillenger is in charge of that project. Judging by the DVD that came with his U KNOW WHAT I'M THROWIN UP album, I'm concerned with how this follow up movie will turn out, very concerned.

How many people did Eazy-E, inadvertently, give AIDS to? Considering 'Eazy' is in his nome de plume, quite a few. Magic Johnson got HIV, and he's still alive. But that's because a man with a 'Magic Johnson' could never die or transmit AIDS. But Eazy's fate wasn't so magical. SPOILER ALERT, he died. No wait, I can't end a review on such a glib, and morbid note. Eric Wright still lives on...in hologram form...at minor league baseball stadiums, with BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY.
(Mic Drop)

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100

I Am Chris Farley

I AM CHRIS FARLEY
PG-13
96 Minutes
Writer: Steve Burgess
Director: Brent Hodge, Derik Murray
Adam Sandler, Bo Derek, Chris Farley, Christina Applegate, David Spade Mike Myers, Kevin Farley

'I want to live fast and die young.'
-Chris Farley

I know, I know, I must be a masochist. First, I saw INSIDE OUT, and now,  I AM CHRIS FARLEY. Somebody call Jermaine Dupri because I am ballin' out of control with these sad movies.  I've seen that E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD on Chris Farley...33 times, and every time I watch it, I think, 'maybe this show will end differently...this time around. Deep down, maybe I believe he's playing an Andy Kauffman-esque  joke, and Chris will ring my doorbell, and explain this elaborate ruse. Then I'm disappointed, and watch the E! Phil Hartman special, because that's all the E! network used to play: stories about celebrities who've died tragically. 

Chris Farley was a lot like John Candy, and I'm not just talking about in the obvious way. John and Chris weren't always funny, but they could always put a smile on your face. On a related note, without drug problems, Chris still would have died before the age of 50. Which was last year. I don't know for sure, but maybe it's better that Chris wasn't around to turn into a regular on Adam Sandler movies. But that would also mean Kevin James wouldn't have a career. 

Have you ever noticed that SHREK looks nothing like Michael Myers? Well, Mike Myers did. One thing that wasn't included what's the fact that Chris Farley recorded 'niner'-five percent of the voiceover work for Shrek before he died. I don't know why someone couldn't have given the movie the ol' Paul Walker treatment. Just tweak a couple things, that's it. Oh wait, I know why: you can't make eight sequels with a dead guy, not yet anyway.

Everyone needs to purchase this movie. Partially, because I would like to see a documentary made on Phil Hartman. But mostly because Chris Farley was a beautiful human being. It 's really a shame this film never got a wide release.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100

Ant-Man

ANT-MAN
PG-13
117 Minutes 
Director: Payton Reed
Writers: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish, Paul Rudd, Adam McKay, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby
Paul Rudd, TI, Michael Douglas

CAST
Paul Rudd...Ant-Man
Michael Douglas...Dr. Hank Pym
Evangeline Lilly...Hope van Dyne
Corey Stoll...Yellowjacket
Michael Peña...Luis
TI...Dave

I saw this without really knowing what it was about. I saw ANT-MAN because I had to. There was only one movie playing in the two-hour window when my cell phone was getting repaired. What else was I going to? Watch a movie on my phone? Can't. How about reading a book? A little hard to do, without the kindle app on my phone. Even if I remembered to bring my tablet, the WIFI at the Barnes And Noble across the street isn't strong enough to reach the repair shop.

The Ant is a creepy insect, and I'm not just referring to Woody Allen's character in ANTZ. They aren't as creepy as cockroaches, water bugs, or praying mantises. Most ants are fairly benign, they just crawl around, and scavenge food for winter. Usually, you won't encounter large ant colonies, unless leave an open, 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in the attic. But how does all this information relate to the movie? It doesn't, ANT-MAN is a misnomer. Paul Rudd doesn't turn into ant, the way Bart Simpson turned into a human-fly hybrid, in that Halloween episode. No, Ant-Man can shrink to the size of ant,...oh, and he can control hundreds of ants with his mind, but that's it.

Could you imagine if Spiderman shrunk to the size of a spider, and mentally controlled large clusters of brown recluses? I know, it would be freaking awesome...yet terrifying. Although, that kind of power is rarely used. ANT-MAN is great, albeit, light entertainment, so the dark side of shrinking is never explored. But maybe it's completely unnecessary. Look at HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS, or HOLLOW MAN (I know shrinking and disappearing aren't quite the same thing, but c'mon). These two films aren't exactly the pinnacle of cinematic excellence, so don't fret, ANT-MAN is best movie that could have been made with the source material. The jokes were actually funny, and I was never confused; that is something very rare in a comic book movie.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Inside Out

INSIDE OUT (With Spoilers)
PG
94 Minutes
Directors: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen
Writers: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader
Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Richard Kind, Bill Hader

CAST
Kaitlyn Dias...Riley Andersen
Amy Poehler...Joy
Phyllis Smith...Sadness
Richard Kind...Bing Bong
Bill Hader...Fear
Lewis Black...Anger

SPOILERS BELOW!

Read at your own risk, and please kindly refrain from sending any hate mail...directed at me. Although you should probably refrain from sending hate mail altogether.  So just pause a moment, and reflect on whether composing electronic vitriol is the most constructive use of your time. What are you really getting out of it?  More importantly, what are others getting out of it? This is why you have no friends. Dats da end, back to the review.

There's Someone In My Head But It's Not Me

INSIDE OUT is a Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a 12-year-old girl, who moves from Louieanderton, Minnesota to San Francisco. Which can take a toll one's mental health.  Upon arrival, little Riley developed paranoid schizophrenia. This girl goes from normal to Syd Barrett, practically overnight.  She hears all these voices: Joy, Sadness, Fear, and Anger.  And Riley plays with someone who doesn't actually exist, Bing Bong (more on Bing bong later).

There are one lie in the preceding paragraph.  I'll let you figure which one out on your own.

The Bing Bong Section

Saying, 'I can't believe that made that guy die', shouldn't count as a spoiler. There are 33 characters in this movie. That shouldn't narrow things down enough to justify a spoiler warning, but my coworkers disagree. Because once you start watching INSIDE OUT, and you know a character is going to die. It becomes painfully obvious which one gets it. Just like MARLEY AND ME, the most adorable character dies...Owen Wilson...I mean Marley (don't get mad, I already warned you about  spoilers). In this movie, you get so attached to this Bing Bong character. You like him the same way you like Buddy from ELF. Buddy was just pure goodness personified. So imagine if Buddy the Elf died, tragically, falling off Santa's sleigh or something (diabetes?). You'd cry yourself to sleep, and life would become a permanent state of misery. That's what Bing Bong's death did to me, it felt like part of me died as well. Yeah, that's right, this film is TURNER AND HOOCH-Level sad. Life would be so much easier if only human characters died in movies, but that life would be much less meaningful.

Final Verdict: 98.6 out of 100

Jurassic World

JURASSIC WORLD
PG-13
124 minutes
Director: Colin Trevorrow
Writers: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly, Michael Crichton
Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D’Onofrio, BD Wong, Judy Greer

CAST
Chris Pratt...Owen
Bryce Dallas Howard...Claire
Ty Simpkins...Gray
Judy Greer...Karen
Irrfan Khan...Simon Masrani
Vincent D'Onofrio...Hoskins

'DINO-MITE!'- JJ WALKER

Every young boy goes through a dinosaur phase. They'll devour anything with dinosaurs, and this includes that Whoopi Goldberg movie, with the crime solving T-Rex. But for some of us, that dinosaur phase never ends. As we grow up, we gradually learn when it is socially acceptable to talk about dinosaurs in adult conversation...which is never, unless you become a paleontologist, or a Jeff Goldblum impersonator. Both of which exclude people who aren't geniuses.

JURASSIC PARK set the standard for dinosaur movies. Which is both good and bad. The sequels were okay, but only for hardcore JP fanboys. Other dinosaur movies were mostly disappointing, with the exception of VIVA ROCK VEGAS. Luckily, basic cable has helped me get my fix. With programs like, WALKING WITH DINOSAURS, and DINOSAUR PLANET. Still, I was getting a little antsy, over the past few years it's felt like dinosaur programming has gone extinct. Luckily, JURASSIC WORLD came around to fill the Argentinosaurus-sized hole in my heart.

'YOU JUST WENT AND MADE A NEW DINOSAUR?'

I like the fact that there's a reasonable explanation for all the scientific inaccuracies. Like the lack of feathered creatures. Lab created, dinosaurs were not made from complete dinosaur genomes. So scientists had to insert missing pieces of Dino-DNA from modern animals, none of which were birds. Additionally, you may have noticed most of the dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous period, not the Jurassic. Realistically, the older, less evolved species couldn't peacefully, coexist with the Jurassic bad boys. But I'm cool with the deliberate, poetic license. Would you really want to watch a film called 'CRETACEOUS WORLD'?

JURASSIC WORLD does something completely different: create a completely new dinosaur. Dealing with a crazy Franken-Saurus is what this movie is all about. I guess GMOs really are bad for your health...does anyone else hear crickets chirping?

Vincent D’Onofrio is a tad one-dimensional in this film, but great nonetheless. He's the Wayne Knight of this JURASSIC WORLD. This corporate monster wants raptors to fight America's wars overseas; ironically, for 'fossil fuels'. I think any forthcoming sequel will involve dinosaurs fighting human wars...before turning on us. Altering dinosaur DNA to make them bulletproof? Absolutely nothing could go wrong.

GET READY FOR SOME T-REX KICKASSERY

First off, watch this movie...several times at an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses. Secondly, buy JURASSIC WORLD (Director's Cut) on Blu-ray. And lastly, replace your puny, 1080p flat screen, and upgrade to a 4K, 80-inch TV set. When you watch it, share the love. Pull the blinds up, and let young, impressionable children walking by see the magic of dinosaurs. Who knows, maybe one of those kids will become the next Steven Jay Gould.

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100

Love and Mercy

LOVE AND MERCY
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Bill Pohland
Writer: Oren Moverman

CAST                                                                John Cusack...Brain Wilson
Paul Dano...Brian Wilson
Elizabeth Banks...Melinda Ledbetter
Paul Giamatti...Dr. Eugene Landy

BRIAN WILSON: WEIRDO OR LUNATIC, A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS

When I think of the Beach Boys, I think of them doing that song for the PROBLEM CHILD soundtrack. You know, the one where John 'DUI' Stamos plays drums. But the Beach Boys cameo appearance on FULL HOUSE also comes to mind...no, wait...they where on there twice...no, thrice. First, as themselves, in BEACH BOY BINGO. Secondly, when Uncle Jesse got married. And lastly, as backup vocalists; when Jesse did a cover of the Beach Boys song, FOREVER (yes, that is a cover song... no, I don't know why Stamos can't write his own songs).

CHARACTERS AND ACTORS

Paul Giamatti really knows how to play a little shit...perfectly. Kind of like Jeremy Piven, except one of these guys is a legitimate actor, who didn't need bad hair plugs.

John Cusack played the older Brian Wilson, and Paul Dano played the younger version. This may not be much of a shocker, but the Paul Dano parts were better than the Cusack parts. But surprisingly, John Cusack was still tolerable. Because none of his films of the last 12 years haven't come close to the vicinity of tolerable.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED

I had many questions about the Beach Boys, before I saw the film. And some of those questions had answers, such as:

Did Mike Love always wear a hat?

Yes, but he didn't always wear a hat embroidered with 'The Beach Boys' on it.

Are the Beach Boys a good band?

From a technical standpoint, it's hard to argue the Beach Boys made bad songs. That said, for the most part, their music isn't for me. I do like a few of their songs. And for those of you that hate the Beach Boys, don't worry (baby), the soundtrack consists of more than Beach Boys songs.

Do I understand PET SOUNDS now?

No, I still don't understand PET SOUNDS. And now, I have even more questions about the album.

So John Cusack is appearing in movies with theatrical releases now?

Yes, and no. Yes, LOVE AND MERCY is ONE movie with a wide release. Movies, in the plural sense, means more than one. And I don't think we should be getting ahead of ourselves.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100