All Eyez On Me

ALL EYEZ ON ME
R
140 Minutes
Director: Benny Boom
Writers: Jeremy Haft, Eddie Gonzalez, and Steven Bagatourian
Demetrius Shipp Junior, Danai Gurira, Kat Graham

CAST
Demetrius Shipp Junior...Tupac Shakur
Danai Gurira...Afeni Shakur
Kat Graham...Jada Pinkett
Hill Harper...Interviewer
Annie Ilonzeh...Kidada Jones
Jamal Woolard...Biggie
Dominic L. Santana...Suge Knight

Except for that poetry album, read aloud by Malcolm Jamaal-Warner. I've listened to all Tupac's music, watched all the documentaries, and movies. Which unfortunately, includes NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. So naturally, I had to watch this film. As a fan, I'd be inclined to like any movie about Tupac. That is, unless it's this bad.

First and foremost, let's talk about how good all the impersonators are. At the most basic level, I have few complaints. Even the ancillary characters: Dre, Snoop, Daz, and Kurupt were true to life. No Nate Dogg though. I suspect his silky smooth vocals were just too difficult for any mere mortal to imitate. Aside from his psychopathic tendencies, Suge Knight plays as a cliché record executive. But I can't fault the movie for that. If all record executives are the same, then it leaves very little room for nuance. As for Tupac; appearance wise, Demetrius Shipp is impeccably close. His voice isn't spot-on, but is nonetheless adequate. The one thing missing is Tupac's charisma.

The lack of charisma, is the same issue I had with the Biggie movie. While larger-than-life people can never be duplicated, filmmakers can still approximate them better. Like in THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY (1978). A pre-motorcycle-accident Gary Busey literally thought he was possessed by the spirit of Buddy Holly, and you know, I'm inclined to believe him.

Next, I want to talk about...nothing else. Aside from the characters, I'm not left with much substance. Large segments of the movie are recreations of documentaries, music videos, and concert footage. It felt like there was only about thirty minutes of unoriginal original dialogue. Which leaves me with no new insights into the man, or his life. And even though this picture is over two hours, it still felt like the movie was fast-forwarding through the rapper's life just to get to the last scene of the Vegas shooting.

If he were actually dead, Tupac would be rolling in his grave. ALL EYEZ ON ME is bad for a reason: because something this egregious just might get the rapper to come out of hiding.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Captain America: Civil War

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
PG-13
143 minutes
Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
Writers: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Mark Millar, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby

CAST
Iron Man…Robert Downey Junior
Captain America…Chris Evans
Hawkeye…Jeremy Renner
Falcon…Anthony Mackie
Ant-Man…Paul Rudd
Black Widow…Scarlett Johansson

CIVIL WAR?

One look at the title, and you know what it’s about: the American Civil War. The Avengers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, as a team building exercise, but they never get to reenact anything. Before the fake battle begins, Loki and his intergalactic minions open a wormhole, and the Avengers are transported into the real Civil War. And this time the right side will win. No, hear me out. I mean if the South won, Lincoln doesn’t get assassinated. Honest Abe retreats to Toronto. And the Confederacy would get their own country, for a while anyway. Before killing themselves, through bar fights, incest, and slave rebellion…right around 1870. At which point, Lincoln moves back to the states, to sew together the tattered pieces of old America; because that’s how history works. To my surprise, CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR wasn’t about the American Civil War. Which goes to show that you can’t always get the gist of a film from the title alone, like NAKED LUNCH. Sometimes it’s best to watch the trailer.

THIS WAR DOESN’T SEEM SO CIVIL

I might as well start with the things I didn’t like. The fight scenes were frequent, and lengthy. Generally, I don’t mind fight scenes, but do they have to be so long. I can suspend disbelief for short bursts of time, but overly long fight scenes make you realize your watching a cartoon. I can now envision a future where actors become obsolete. And CGI people star in their own two-hour fight scene.

HAWKEYE…WHAT’S HIS DEAL?

It’s not Jeremy Renner’s fault, but of all the Avengers, Hawkeye is the least compelling. He shoots arrows, accurately…that’s it. If things took place in Middle Earth, and Jeremy Renner were Orlando Bloom, then I’d find Hawkeye’s antics more impressive.

LAST WORDS

At this point, you may have the impression that I didn’t care for this AVENGERS movie, but that’s not the case. I was never bored because I never had a chance to think about what was going on. Nonetheless, CIVIL WAR is still a solid, BM…I mean, solid, B-movie. Sharp humor, and an interesting cliffhanger, push this into I-wouldn’t-mind-seeing-this-again territory.

Final Verdict: 81 out of 100

God Is Not Dead 2

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2
PG
120 Minutes
Director: Harold Cronk
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Melissa Joan Hart, Jesse Metcalfe, David A.R. White

CAST
Maria Canals-Barrera…Catherine Thawley
Pat Boone...Walter Wesley
Robin Givens...Principal Kinney
Melissa Joan Hart...Grace Wesley
Brad Heller...School Attorney
Ernie Hudson…Judge Robert Stennis

Clarissa Explains It All

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2 was more compelling than the previous installment. In that there  is actually something at stake. First off, this movie takes place in a courtroom, instead of a Philosophy 101 class. But the courtroom proceedings are so ridiculous, it makes an
episode of NIGHT COURT look like a Nuremberg trial. Furthermore, Kevin Sorbo is conveniently absent from the proceedings, so I’m going to award seven bonus points.

Drive Me Crazy

This film has a simple premise. Clarissa is a history teacher that gets fired for quoting a bible verse. This quote stated a non-controversial, historical fact. Nonetheless, it’s a big deal. Sabrina has to fight for her job in court. Now, the school district is making it their business to persecute a Christian educator. There are other plot points, but I won’t into them, because can see how bored you’re getting.

The only chance a faith-based movie has at success, is with Hollywood stars…of yesteryear. Melissa Joan Hart, Robin Givens, Ernie Hudson. Also, it was strange to see the sister from THE GOLDBERGS,  play one of the main characters.  I like her on that show, and I don’t know how she got roped into this. Because it’s not like this gig pays network sitcom money.

Salem Witch Trial

As I stated earlier, Melissa Joan Hart stars in this film. Yes, that Melissa Joan Hart.  Star of CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL, and SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. And let me tell you, this movie could really use a talking cat, especially one hell-bent on world domination.  His name would be Jesus, and he could take the witness stand. I know he’s not the real Jesus, but no one else has to know.  Because a talking cat must be…feline…I mean Divine.

Final Verdict: 7 out of 100

Race

RACE
PG-13
134 Minutes
Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writers: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse
Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Eli Goree

CAST
Stephan James...Jesse Owens
Jason Sudeikis...Larry Snyder
Eli Goree...Dave Albritton
Shanice Banton...Ruth Solomon
Adrian Zwicker...Adolf Hitler

‘Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon.' -Ice Cube, (YOU CAN DO IT)

First, I love the title, RACE. It's clever, because it's about a race, and a race. This movie is released in February, and everybody knows that only the best throwaway films are released this time of year. February is also Black History Month, which is a strange coincidence. I think RACE is a little too on the nose, titlewise. It should've been called: HITLER'S RACE.

Speaking Of Hitler

The main reason I wanted to watch this is for the fictitious Adolph Hitler. I pondered on all the possibilities. What's the mustache going look like? Real, fake, electrical tape, I don't know. Is he going to be cartoonish, like in the HEIL HONEY I'M HOME television show (yes, that was a real show). Hitler can be funny. One time, after eating a chocolate lava cake; inadvertently, I gave myself a little Hitler mustache. I wish I was lying, but I dealt with dozens of snickering customers that day, before a coworker finally pointed it out. But I digress. Anyway, would this be an alternate history film, where Jesse Owens shoots Hitler, before hijacking the Hindenburg? Sadly no. This Hitler did nothing interesting. He just sat there, glaring at Jesse Owens. I kind of feel cheated in a way. Hey filmmaker, why are you showing Hitler in the trailer, if he's not going to do anything cool.

The Movie Itself

RACE, the film, isn't terrible. Uneven? Absolutely. Well acted? Definitely. And while I enjoyed the last third of the film. The first two-thirds of the movie were just kind of...meh. Nothing exciting, just your not-so-typical athlete, overcoming adversity. I don't need to explain any further, you've all seen COOL RUNNINGS. But if you have money to throw away, go see RACE at a theater...and since you already get the gist of the movie, walk in around the two-thirds point of the film. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

SIDENOTE: DID YOU NOTICE THE LACK OF SPORTS CLICHÉS IN THE REVIEW? THERE WASN'T A 'DOWN THE FINAL STRETCH'; NOR 'WALK, DON'T RACE, TO SEE THIS FILM'. SORRY, I'M BABBLING ON SO MUCH. I GUESS I LOST TRACK OF TIME, AFTER MY PHOTO FINISH.

Anomalisa

ANOMALISA
R
90 Minutes
Writers: Charlie Kaufman
Director: Duke Johnson, Charlie Kaufman
David Thewlis, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Noonan

CAST
David Thewlis...Michael Stone
Jennifer Jason Leigh...Lisa Hesselman
Tom Noonan...Everyone Else

ANOMALISA is a stop-motion movie, about the desolation of life on the road; kind of like UP IN THE AIR. Except this film focuses on one character, Michael Stone. He's a customer service guru, author, and motivational speaker.

Because Tom Noonan plays most of the females in a male voice, I thought many of the females were transvestites. Which means Tom had a thing for pre-op females. It's a possible scenario, because none of the characters actually take their clothes off. But I'm most likely wrong. Just look at Eddie Murphy, he played many female characters in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys the company of transvestites. Besides, puppets don't really have a gender.

I've waited far too long for another Charlie Kaufman film to get made. But it's understandable. SYNEDOCHE was as ambitious as movies get. Exploring the entire human condition in a look two-hour film, is no easy task. And like SYNEDOCHE, so much effort was put into this ANOMALISA picture, that I suspect we'll be waiting many years for the next Kaufman movie.

If my review still hasn't persuaded you, you should still watch ANOMALISA, if only for the spectacular puppet love scene, rivaling that of TEAM AMERICA.

Final Verdict 98 out of 100

SIDENOTE: IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF CHARLIE KAUFMAN'S WORK, CHECK OUT THE EARLY 90S SITCOM, THE TROUBLE WITH LARRY. FEATURING BRONSON PINCHOT (BALKI), OF PERFECT STRANGERS FAME.

Creed

Creed
PG-13
133 Minutes
Director: Ryan Coogler
Writers: Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Michael B Jordan, Tessa Thompson

CAST
Michael B. Jordan...Adonis Johnson
Sylvester Stallone..Rocky Balboa
Tessa Thompson...Bianca
Phylicia Rashad...Mary Anne Creed
Andre Ward...Danny 'Stuntman' Wheeler
Tony Bellew...'Pretty' Ricky Conlan

'This movie has a lot of boxing. One time I punched a guy from 311, but I never actually boxed.' -Scott Stapp (Interview)

Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is not about Scott Stapp, or his band, Creed. Because there's so many questions. Like what really happened on that tour bus with Kid Rock, and all those groupies. Additionally, how did Scott uncover all those government conspiracies...while strung out on drugs. Not that the two are necessarily related. All kidding aside, Scott Stapp really does have a problem with CREED (the film). At least I thought so, it's difficult to detect sarcasm from a printed article. But after I watched the FUNNY OR DIE clip, I couldn't help but feel let down. His newly found sobriety has made him far too self aware to be funny.

I don't consider myself much of an expert on Sylvester Stallone movies, because I'm really more of a savant. Do you know anyone else who has seen all of Stallone's movies... multiple times...voluntarily? And for the record, I'm not including THE ITALIAN STALLION (1970), a softcore adult film. His character's name was 'Stud'...enough said. But I am including those horrific films he made in the nineties. However, things did slowly improve, moving forward into the 21st century. In what I like to call his 'post-GET CARTER' years. Purely by accident, Stallone has started making movies that people actually want to see. That's not to say he's above taking a big paycheck for a bad project. CREED exists only to make up for GRUDGE MATCH, a film that will forever haunt my dreams. But in all fairness, GRUDGE MATCH is mostly De Niro's fault.

Hmmm, I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about the plot. From the title alone, I think you get the gist. Apollo Creed's son has something to prove, so he trains Rocky for one last fight against George Forman. Need I say more?

In a world that seems so chaotic, people crave something familiar: the warm embrace of a Sylvester Stallone movie. And just like your dog leaving presents under the Christmas tree, it's something you can count on. Creed isn't coming out on DVD for a while, so this holiday season, put a card saying 'I-O-U one CREED DVD' in your mom's Christmas stocking.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Fateful Findings

FATEFUL FINDINGS 
100 Minutes 
R 
Writer: Neil Breen 
Director: Neil Breen 
Danielle Andrade, Jennifer Autry, Brianna Borden 

CAST 
Danielle Andrade...Ally 
Jennifer Autry...Leah 
Neil Breen...Dylan 
Klara Landrat...Emily 
David Silva...Jim

Stop whatever your doing, and watch FATEFUL FINDINGS. It makes THE ROOM look like CITIZEN KANE. And like THE ROOM, this filmmaker, Neil Breen, is pretending that FATEFUL FINDINGS was made bad...on purpose. But this claim is a rather dubious one at that. First, no one with a .biz website should ever be trusted (fatefulfindings.biz). I've heard some accounts of people not getting DVDs they've purchased through the site. And second, if campy were a race, FATEFUL FINDINGS goes on a warp speed detour into the Andromeda Galaxy, before arriving at the finish line.

What's This Thing All About? 

Officially, FATEFUL FINDINGS is about a computer hacker who uncovers government and corporate secrets. It's the only vaguely true plot point I'm able to decipher. Everything else unfolds in a truly random fashion. The same way you might recall a dream...nay, nightmare.

Dylan drops his vintage cellphone, while crossing the street. He tried to retrieve it, but gets hit by a Rolls Royce. In the next scene, Dylan is in a hospital bed, covered in bandages. After getting imbued with magic powers, he walks out of the hospital, and heads home. Once he's home, we're treated to an awkward love making session in the shower. Where Dylan has yet to take off all the bandages, and gauze from his face. And now, the protagonist's metamorphosis from man, to magic man, is complete.

Jim: We haven't had sex in a while, do you realize that?
... 
Jim's Wife: I'm very busy, my back is killing me. My office at the bank is having major problems.

Jim is Dylan's friend, although you would never think so, based on their lack of social interaction. Jim is an alcoholic. He's always knocking things down, and acting surly towards his wife. Don't worry, things get better for this couple. One day, when he's polishing his Lamborghini in the garage, his wife attempts to destroy the car...with bullets. One of those bullets hits her husband, and she immediately tries to cover up the accidental homicide, by making it look like a suicide. If I were in her place, I think I would at least attempt to wipe the finger prints off the gun. But who am I to judge, I don't know what it's like to kill a spouse.

Speaking Of Killing A Spouse

With all the computer hacking, Dylan forgets to pay attention to his wife, and she starts abusing alcohol and pain meds. Things end poorly for her, alone in her bed, she overdoses. It's okay though, he still has his childhood girlfriend, who has aged very well. It's almost as if she turned 30 and stopped aging entirely. Smash cut: the girlfriend and Dylan are making love in the woods. I know this guy sounds awful. Sleeping with another woman, right after his wife dies. But the grieving process is different for everyone. Just ask John Edwards.

Worse Than Corky Romano?

Movies this bad are a once in a lifetime experience. It's like a Mexican soap opera, without the production values, or storyline. Savor each morsel, like you would a discontinued candy bar, because nothing that sweet is ever coming back again.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Straight Outta Compton

STRIAGHT OUTTA COMPTON
R
147 Minutes
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writers: Jonathan Herman, S. Leigh Savidge, Alan Wenkus, and Andrea Berloff
Corey Hawkins, Jason Mitchell, Paul Giamatti

CAST
O'Shea Jackson Junior...Ice Cube
Corey Hawkins...Dr. Dre
Jason Mitchell...Eazy-E
Neil Brown Junior...Dj Yella
Aldis Hodge...MC Ren
Marlon Yates Junior...The D.O.C
Paul Giamatti...Jerry Heller
R. Marcos Taylor...Suge Knight

REAL MUTHAPHUCKKIN G'S

As a kid, I ate fruit loops every morning, with my YO! MTV RAPS. And I'd go to the public library just to read all of those SOURCE magazines. I'm like that Micheal Bolton character from OFFICE SPACE, nay, that Micheal Bolton character is totally based on me. I've been stoked for months for STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON to come out. And I was not disappointed. It's like this movie was made, specifically for me

My nickname was Eazy-E for my unofficial, intramural, soccer team (in my early twenties). I probably took the persona too far, with the Jerry curl wig, and the White Sox hat. At the time, I didn't care for the nickname, because I thought Eazy-E was a bit of a poser. On account of Eric not writing his own songs, and pretending to be a teenager. But dat shit don't even phaze me more...(clears throat) excuse me...no mo. Eaz quit school in the tenth grade to sell drugs, fund Ruthless Records, and discover BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY. If datz not gangsta, den 'you straight trippin boo', to quote Steve Martin...in BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.

If there's one thing that transformed a good movie into a great one, it's the believable 2Pac. Someone found the right-looking guy, and they dubbed in someone's real voice, who sounded just like Pac. In related news, another picture is in pre-production that focuses on 2pac, and Snoop. But that situation isn't going to work for a full-length movie. Perhaps the real 2Pac is going to have to come out of hiding for this one. Daz Dillenger is in charge of that project. Judging by the DVD that came with his U KNOW WHAT I'M THROWIN UP album, I'm concerned with how this follow up movie will turn out, very concerned.

How many people did Eazy-E, inadvertently, give AIDS to? Considering 'Eazy' is in his nome de plume, quite a few. Magic Johnson got HIV, and he's still alive. But that's because a man with a 'Magic Johnson' could never die or transmit AIDS. But Eazy's fate wasn't so magical. SPOILER ALERT, he died. No wait, I can't end a review on such a glib, and morbid note. Eric Wright still lives on...in hologram form...at minor league baseball stadiums, with BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY.
(Mic Drop)

Final Verdict: 99 out of 100