The Shape of Water

THE SHAPE OF WATER
R
123 Minutes
Director: Guillermo del Toro
Writers: Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor
Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Michael Shannon

CAST
Sally Hawkins...Elisa Esposito
Michael Shannon...Richard Strickland
Richard Jenkins...Giles
Octavia Spencer...Zelda Fuller
Michael Stuhlbarg...Dr. Robert Hoffstetler
Doug Jones...Amphibian Man

It's difficult to watch movies about bizarre, misunderstood creatures. Which is why I avoid Gary Busey films. But seriously, go watch KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, or IRON GIANT. Preferably, later in the evening, otherwise your whole day will get ruined. Those movies are especially sad. With MARLEY AND ME, the dog dies, but at least Marley died surrounded by a loving family. King Kong dies Tupac-style, alone in a hail of gunfire, never to experience any of the love this world has to offer. THE SHAPE OF WATER is a different type of 'monster' movie. It posits that the real monster is...humanity. Just kidding, this review isn't about to get pretentious. Humans and a single, strange creature can live in harmony. Just look at ALF, or HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS. But once there's a group of strange creatures, like in ALIENATION, conflict ensues. Like confronting a coworker who keeps weird smelling food in the fridge at work. You try having that conversation, without sounding culturally insensitive. This is a film for those of us who would like monster movies, if it weren't for those callous, tragic endings.

The SHAPE OF WATER is about a strange amphibious creature. He's chained, and tortured in a government facility. Elisa Esposito is a mute woman, who is a janitor at this facility. She and Aquaman soon develop a secret friendship. Elisa has a plan to break him out. But things don't go so swimmingly. Because this monster is scheduled to get euthanized in the near future. That's all you need to know.

I remember reading about a scientist that slept with dolphins in the 60s, and by slept, I mean had sex with. Humans can't sleep in the water, and as far as I know, she didn't boink dolphins, in the plural sense. She remained monogamous to 'Peter', but who knows for sure, dolphins all look the same. In this film, Guillermo del Toro celebrates bestiality. It's not looked at as something icky, shameful, or questionably consensual. They didn't get into the mechanics of intercourse between the two, but I assume it's the way Chris Farley, and Connie did it in CONEHEADS; with rings on their heads.

Aside from the story, it's the actors that make this movie particularly enjoyable. I like Sally Hawkins more than most people, because I think she's the character from HAPPY GO LUCKY, and she's not that character. The same goes for Michael Stuhlbarg. I like him, but only because he played a psychopath on an episode of LAW AND ORDER:CI. I enjoyed watching Michael Shannon, because he looks like Bill Hader. Who knows, maybe they're the same person. Like a Andy Kauffman/Tony Clifton situation. I'm on to you...Michael Hader. And as for Doug Jones, I liked him better on TWIN PEAKS.

Final Verdict: 98 out of 100

It

IT
R
135 Minutes
Director: Andy Muschietti
Writers: Chase Palmer, Cary Fukunaga, Gary Dauberman, Stephen King
Jaeden Lieberher, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Sophia Lillis, Bill Skarsgård

CAST
Jaeden Lieberher...Bill Denbrough
Jeremy Ray Taylor...Ben Hanscom
Sophia Lillis...Beverly Marsh
Finn Wolfhard...Richie Tozier
Chosen Jacobs...Mike Hanlon
Jack Dylan Grazer...Eddie Kaspbrak
Wyatt Oleff...Stanley Uris
Bill Skarsgård...Pennywise

I heard a lot of chatter on this movie months before the release date. I didn't watch any of the trailers, but I knew it was scary. Which left me puzzled. How could a film about information technology be scary? Then I figured it was a movie version of the SNL sketch, 'Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy'. Nothing is scarier than watching a two-hour Jimmy Fallon film. But alas, that was not the case. Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised with this movie about a psychopathic clown who terrorizes children.

I love how IT takes place in 1989. It really takes me back. Fine Young Cannibals were topping the charts. HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS was disappointing theater goers everywhere. Culturally, we reached peak blandness. Nonetheless, I still have fond memories of that magical summer before I started kindergarten. More than anything, IT is a love letter to a bygone era. Twas a much simpler time in America, when fanny packs were considered acceptable attire.

I can't overemphasize how historically accurate this film is. The clothes, movies, cars, and music are spot on. The bad things aren't whitewashed either. Back then, people used the 'other f-word' with reckless abandon. And bullies had free reign to torture kids, without interference from adults.

Good horror movies are rare, and a good Stephen King film is even rarer. First, the group of 13-year old friends is realistic. This is really how kids would interact with one another, kind of like SUPER 8. Secondly, the clown is actually creepy, and so are the adults. Like when the girl flirts with the pharmacist to steal cigarettes, the pharmacist actually flirts back. And her father, to put it delicately, had some serious boundary issues. And lastly, the acting is passable, which is no minor miracle with this many child actors.

I recommend you see IT. Isn't that a confusing statement, especially if those words were spoken aloud to another person. Uttering the sentence could start an Abbott and Costello routine. So instead of recommending IT, you should say 'I recommend you see the clown movie'. People will know what you mean. It's not like they're going to think you're talking about KILLJOY, or KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

War Of Planet Of The Apes

WAR OF PLANET OF THE APES
PG-13
140 Minutes
Director: Matt Reeves
Writers: Mark Bomback, Matt Reeves, Rick
Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Pierre Boulle
Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Steve Zahn

CAST
Andy Serkis...Caesar
Woody Harrelson...The Colonel
Steve Zahn...Bad Ape
Karin Konoval...Maurice
Amiah Miller...Nova

Dawn Prince-Hughes, an anthropologist, noticed that Gorillas at zoos talk to each other (nonverbally), and it's mostly about humans outside their cage. So there's no need for me to suspend disbelief about apes conquering a planet. Clearly, they're just waiting for the right moment to take shit over.

Normally, I'd take the time to describe the plot, but the title says it all. Everything takes place on an Earth-like planet. Where people and animals speak (and sign) in English. Ron Pearlman...I mean Caesar is the chief of apes. And the apes are fighting humans in a war.

It would be easy to point to the symbolism and the use of metaphors, because those things aren't exactly subtle. The apes are kind of like Native American/Slaves. While the colonel and his men are like that KFC guy with a Confederate Army. But I won't go into further detail. If you think too much about it, you might not enjoy the film.

Only dead animals in movies can make me cry. So if an animal dies after a heroic act, I'm scarred for life. I know these animals are computer generated, but it doesn't matter. The battle scenes are still difficult to watch. It's like one of those Sarah McLachlan commercials...times a hundred; except my donation to the ASPCA won't keep these animals from the arms of an angel.

This story isn't all tragic though. You already know the apes prevail in the end. After all, it's called PLANET OF THE APES, not PLANET OF THE HUMANS, or PLANET WHERE APES AND HUMANS PEACEFULLY COEXIST. On another positive, the apes are adorable, even when they're acting super serious. If I watched Caesar read the DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, I'd be unable to suppress that ear-to-ear grin on my face.

In closing, I want to say that it's very difficult to make a part III worth watching. Remember BACK TO THE FUTURE III? Neither do I, and I'm pretty sure I watched it. I'm impressed with the APES franchise thus far, and just like those LAND BEFORE TIME cartoons, WAR OF PLANET OF THE APES demands several follow-up films.

Final Verdict 95 out of 100

All Eyez On Me

ALL EYEZ ON ME
R
140 Minutes
Director: Benny Boom
Writers: Jeremy Haft, Eddie Gonzalez, and Steven Bagatourian
Demetrius Shipp Junior, Danai Gurira, Kat Graham

CAST
Demetrius Shipp Junior...Tupac Shakur
Danai Gurira...Afeni Shakur
Kat Graham...Jada Pinkett
Hill Harper...Interviewer
Annie Ilonzeh...Kidada Jones
Jamal Woolard...Biggie
Dominic L. Santana...Suge Knight

Except for that poetry album, read aloud by Malcolm Jamaal-Warner. I've listened to all Tupac's music, watched all the documentaries, and movies. Which unfortunately, includes NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. So naturally, I had to watch this film. As a fan, I'd be inclined to like any movie about Tupac. That is, unless it's this bad.

First and foremost, let's talk about how good all the impersonators are. At the most basic level, I have few complaints. Even the ancillary characters: Dre, Snoop, Daz, and Kurupt were true to life. No Nate Dogg though. I suspect his silky smooth vocals were just too difficult for any mere mortal to imitate. Aside from his psychopathic tendencies, Suge Knight plays as a cliché record executive. But I can't fault the movie for that. If all record executives are the same, then it leaves very little room for nuance. As for Tupac; appearance wise, Demetrius Shipp is impeccably close. His voice isn't spot-on, but is nonetheless adequate. The one thing missing is Tupac's charisma.

The lack of charisma, is the same issue I had with the Biggie movie. While larger-than-life people can never be duplicated, filmmakers can still approximate them better. Like in THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY (1978). A pre-motorcycle-accident Gary Busey literally thought he was possessed by the spirit of Buddy Holly, and you know, I'm inclined to believe him.

Next, I want to talk about...nothing else. Aside from the characters, I'm not left with much substance. Large segments of the movie are recreations of documentaries, music videos, and concert footage. It felt like there was only about thirty minutes of unoriginal original dialogue. Which leaves me with no new insights into the man, or his life. And even though this picture is over two hours, it still felt like the movie was fast-forwarding through the rapper's life just to get to the last scene of the Vegas shooting.

If he were actually dead, Tupac would be rolling in his grave. ALL EYEZ ON ME is bad for a reason: because something this egregious just might get the rapper to come out of hiding.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Captain America: Civil War

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
PG-13
143 minutes
Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
Writers: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Mark Millar, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby

CAST
Iron Man…Robert Downey Junior
Captain America…Chris Evans
Hawkeye…Jeremy Renner
Falcon…Anthony Mackie
Ant-Man…Paul Rudd
Black Widow…Scarlett Johansson

CIVIL WAR?

One look at the title, and you know what it’s about: the American Civil War. The Avengers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, as a team building exercise, but they never get to reenact anything. Before the fake battle begins, Loki and his intergalactic minions open a wormhole, and the Avengers are transported into the real Civil War. And this time the right side will win. No, hear me out. I mean if the South won, Lincoln doesn’t get assassinated. Honest Abe retreats to Toronto. And the Confederacy would get their own country, for a while anyway. Before killing themselves, through bar fights, incest, and slave rebellion…right around 1870. At which point, Lincoln moves back to the states, to sew together the tattered pieces of old America; because that’s how history works. To my surprise, CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR wasn’t about the American Civil War. Which goes to show that you can’t always get the gist of a film from the title alone, like NAKED LUNCH. Sometimes it’s best to watch the trailer.

THIS WAR DOESN’T SEEM SO CIVIL

I might as well start with the things I didn’t like. The fight scenes were frequent, and lengthy. Generally, I don’t mind fight scenes, but do they have to be so long. I can suspend disbelief for short bursts of time, but overly long fight scenes make you realize your watching a cartoon. I can now envision a future where actors become obsolete. And CGI people star in their own two-hour fight scene.

HAWKEYE…WHAT’S HIS DEAL?

It’s not Jeremy Renner’s fault, but of all the Avengers, Hawkeye is the least compelling. He shoots arrows, accurately…that’s it. If things took place in Middle Earth, and Jeremy Renner were Orlando Bloom, then I’d find Hawkeye’s antics more impressive.

LAST WORDS

At this point, you may have the impression that I didn’t care for this AVENGERS movie, but that’s not the case. I was never bored because I never had a chance to think about what was going on. Nonetheless, CIVIL WAR is still a solid, BM…I mean, solid, B-movie. Sharp humor, and an interesting cliffhanger, push this into I-wouldn’t-mind-seeing-this-again territory.

Final Verdict: 81 out of 100

God Is Not Dead 2

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2
PG
120 Minutes
Director: Harold Cronk
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Melissa Joan Hart, Jesse Metcalfe, David A.R. White

CAST
Maria Canals-Barrera…Catherine Thawley
Pat Boone...Walter Wesley
Robin Givens...Principal Kinney
Melissa Joan Hart...Grace Wesley
Brad Heller...School Attorney
Ernie Hudson…Judge Robert Stennis

Clarissa Explains It All

GOD IS NOT DEAD 2 was more compelling than the previous installment. In that there  is actually something at stake. First off, this movie takes place in a courtroom, instead of a Philosophy 101 class. But the courtroom proceedings are so ridiculous, it makes an
episode of NIGHT COURT look like a Nuremberg trial. Furthermore, Kevin Sorbo is conveniently absent from the proceedings, so I’m going to award seven bonus points.

Drive Me Crazy

This film has a simple premise. Clarissa is a history teacher that gets fired for quoting a bible verse. This quote stated a non-controversial, historical fact. Nonetheless, it’s a big deal. Sabrina has to fight for her job in court. Now, the school district is making it their business to persecute a Christian educator. There are other plot points, but I won’t into them, because can see how bored you’re getting.

The only chance a faith-based movie has at success, is with Hollywood stars…of yesteryear. Melissa Joan Hart, Robin Givens, Ernie Hudson. Also, it was strange to see the sister from THE GOLDBERGS,  play one of the main characters.  I like her on that show, and I don’t know how she got roped into this. Because it’s not like this gig pays network sitcom money.

Salem Witch Trial

As I stated earlier, Melissa Joan Hart stars in this film. Yes, that Melissa Joan Hart.  Star of CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL, and SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. And let me tell you, this movie could really use a talking cat, especially one hell-bent on world domination.  His name would be Jesus, and he could take the witness stand. I know he’s not the real Jesus, but no one else has to know.  Because a talking cat must be…feline…I mean Divine.

Final Verdict: 7 out of 100

Race

RACE
PG-13
134 Minutes
Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writers: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse
Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Eli Goree

CAST
Stephan James...Jesse Owens
Jason Sudeikis...Larry Snyder
Eli Goree...Dave Albritton
Shanice Banton...Ruth Solomon
Adrian Zwicker...Adolf Hitler

‘Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon.' -Ice Cube, (YOU CAN DO IT)

First, I love the title, RACE. It's clever, because it's about a race, and a race. This movie is released in February, and everybody knows that only the best throwaway films are released this time of year. February is also Black History Month, which is a strange coincidence. I think RACE is a little too on the nose, titlewise. It should've been called: HITLER'S RACE.

Speaking Of Hitler

The main reason I wanted to watch this is for the fictitious Adolph Hitler. I pondered on all the possibilities. What's the mustache going look like? Real, fake, electrical tape, I don't know. Is he going to be cartoonish, like in the HEIL HONEY I'M HOME television show (yes, that was a real show). Hitler can be funny. One time, after eating a chocolate lava cake; inadvertently, I gave myself a little Hitler mustache. I wish I was lying, but I dealt with dozens of snickering customers that day, before a coworker finally pointed it out. But I digress. Anyway, would this be an alternate history film, where Jesse Owens shoots Hitler, before hijacking the Hindenburg? Sadly no. This Hitler did nothing interesting. He just sat there, glaring at Jesse Owens. I kind of feel cheated in a way. Hey filmmaker, why are you showing Hitler in the trailer, if he's not going to do anything cool.

The Movie Itself

RACE, the film, isn't terrible. Uneven? Absolutely. Well acted? Definitely. And while I enjoyed the last third of the film. The first two-thirds of the movie were just kind of...meh. Nothing exciting, just your not-so-typical athlete, overcoming adversity. I don't need to explain any further, you've all seen COOL RUNNINGS. But if you have money to throw away, go see RACE at a theater...and since you already get the gist of the movie, walk in around the two-thirds point of the film. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

SIDENOTE: DID YOU NOTICE THE LACK OF SPORTS CLICHÉS IN THE REVIEW? THERE WASN'T A 'DOWN THE FINAL STRETCH'; NOR 'WALK, DON'T RACE, TO SEE THIS FILM'. SORRY, I'M BABBLING ON SO MUCH. I GUESS I LOST TRACK OF TIME, AFTER MY PHOTO FINISH.

Anomalisa

ANOMALISA
R
90 Minutes
Writers: Charlie Kaufman
Director: Duke Johnson, Charlie Kaufman
David Thewlis, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Noonan

CAST
David Thewlis...Michael Stone
Jennifer Jason Leigh...Lisa Hesselman
Tom Noonan...Everyone Else

ANOMALISA is a stop-motion movie, about the desolation of life on the road; kind of like UP IN THE AIR. Except this film focuses on one character, Michael Stone. He's a customer service guru, author, and motivational speaker.

Because Tom Noonan plays most of the females in a male voice, I thought many of the females were transvestites. Which means Tom had a thing for pre-op females. It's a possible scenario, because none of the characters actually take their clothes off. But I'm most likely wrong. Just look at Eddie Murphy, he played many female characters in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys the company of transvestites. Besides, puppets don't really have a gender.

I've waited far too long for another Charlie Kaufman film to get made. But it's understandable. SYNEDOCHE was as ambitious as movies get. Exploring the entire human condition in a look two-hour film, is no easy task. And like SYNEDOCHE, so much effort was put into this ANOMALISA picture, that I suspect we'll be waiting many years for the next Kaufman movie.

If my review still hasn't persuaded you, you should still watch ANOMALISA, if only for the spectacular puppet love scene, rivaling that of TEAM AMERICA.

Final Verdict 98 out of 100

SIDENOTE: IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF CHARLIE KAUFMAN'S WORK, CHECK OUT THE EARLY 90S SITCOM, THE TROUBLE WITH LARRY. FEATURING BRONSON PINCHOT (BALKI), OF PERFECT STRANGERS FAME.